Original subtitles

How ya doin'?

As a former gangster,

I might not have lived a completely moral life,

but I did some good things, too, like the time I -

McCOOL: Excuse me, Jimmy, you can't park here.

Hoh! Get that thing outta my face!

What's with you, anyway?

I was gettin' used to seein' ya without

a billy club in your pants.

Now the ol' attention hog's back?

What gives?

Allow me to explain.

♪ ["Fugget About It" theme]

McCOOL: ♪ Let me tell you something

♪ of myself without a doubt

♪ The best cop around who liked to "let it all hang out" ♪

♪ When my bosses said I had to put on underwear, ♪

♪ I tried to take it off,

♪ but they said, "Oh, don't you dare!" ♪

♪ Wasn't very long before it wound up in the courts ♪

♪ The judge said, "No, man, ♪

♪ you don't have to wear those shorts!" ♪

♪ So I won the case because there are no precedents ♪

♪ for a servant of the Crown to put on his underpants! ♪

♪ Fugget About It!

♪ Fugget About It! ♪

♪ Fugget About It! Hey, fugget about underpants! ♪

Lemme get this straight.

You sued for the right not to wear a banana hammock?

I need to be free, Jimmy.

The justice system is broken.

I think it's just fine.

Heck, McCool, if you didn't wanna wear any clothes at all,

I'd have no problem with it.

[Chuckle]

Ya know what bugs me? That's not how the song goes.

Fugget about it.

♪ Fugget about it! Oh, fugget about it! ♪

Pop, why'd you drag me out here?

I despise hunting.

Ya gotta toughen up, kid.

No more cryin' over dead mice.

...That you stomped on in the garage.

Is that any reason to make me sit through

a three-hour mouse funeral?

Oh, that reminds me.

You're free now, Mr. Whiskers.

[Sigh]

What the hell was that?

Sorry, fella, my kid dropped his gun.

Well, be more careful, ya wombat licker!

Oh! I said sorry!

What do ya want, a note and some flowers?

No, I want you wank-stains to bugger off somewhere else!

How 'bout I "wank-stain" all over your face?

No, how 'bout I bugger you -

No, how 'bout - I will punch you.

That's enough, gentlemen!

No need to escalate beyond

Australian insults and Scottish machismo.

Be on your way, my Commonwealth compatriot.

Jimmy, I need a word.

Lucky your boyfriend stepped in.

No, YOU'RE lucky my boyfriend stepped in-

Oh [bleep], Jimmy, just stop.

Jimmy, what did I tell you to do

before embarking on this trip?

Go pee pee before the long drive?

No, the other thing!

A cursory search of the Fish and Wildlife database

tells me you did not obtain a hunting license!

Hold it right there, McCool...

What does "cursory" mean?

As of now, this hunting excursion is officially over.

Yay!

Hear that, woodland creatures?

The nightmare is ended!

The forest is yours once again!

♪ [Cheery instrumental]

♪ [Cheery instrumental]

I guess makin' a man outta Petey is off the freakin' table.

Why didn't you go huntin', Cheech?

'Cause starin' down a rifle

at one of God's majestic creatures

ain't my idea of fun...

I like to get in close with a blade.

By the way, nice fur, miss.

Cookie was gonna throw this out, can you believe it?

♪ [Sexy R&B]

♪ [Sexy R&B]

Marone!

That's the most gorgeous broad I ever seen -

and I once met Prince!

I don't know if she's your type.

What, ya think I'm prejudiced or somethin'?

I'll bang any kinda broad!

No, look!

She can't see -

which might help ya.

I've dated a blind.

They're terrible drivers

and they never compliment your outfit.

Only outfit I'm wearin' for her

are tube socks and a smile.

[Cough] I'm choking!

[Cough] Woof! Woof! Woof!

Oh, poor boy.

Did someone leave you all alone at the mall?

Woof! [Grunt]

I think someone wants a tummy rub!

Let's scram before his little lipstick pops out.

[Cheech grunts]And there it is.

Who the hell asked you

to come up here and be my babysitter?

All you had to do was go online,

fill out an SK106294 application,

wait the seven day processing period,

go to your local Service Saskatchewan kiosk,

pay the thirty dollar fee - cash only -

and pick up a hunting license!

But did you? No!

And nothing could be simpler!

Uh, McCool?

What are you doing?

Felling trees here is against the law!

Must you do something reckless every time I turn my back?

No - Sometimes when ya turn your back,

I hang signs on it.

Oh very funny, Jimmy.

[Gunshot]

Stop that! It's off, okay?!

[Giggle]

[Animal growl]

Hey, they have a wild animal in there.

That's not right!

I've got a license for it, ya tit!

A live animal removal permit...

See, Jimmy, this is how you follow the rules!

You must have some serious connections in government to -

Oy! What are you doin'?!

Don't worry, gentle friend,

you can run free now.

[Frightened shrieking]

[Shocked stammering] I don't know what came over me,

I was so terrified...

I hope I didn't hurt anyth-

[Gasp]

What have I done?!

Oh, thank God.

[Gasp]On the bright side,

you're a man now, son.

What's this about you ditchin' the girls

to pick up some blind broad?

I didn't pick her up. She adopted me.

What the hell is that?

It's my harness, Cook.

I'm a seein' eye helper.

Ya mean dog?

If ya wanna put a label on it.

I know bein' a dog

is a helluva step up for you,

but you gotta tell this woman the truth!

And break the bond of trust between us?

I'll never get her in the sack!

She's blind,

but she's not gonna screw a dog!

No, but maybe she'll make love to one.

Now 'scuse me. I gotta get a flea collar.

Those work on crabs, right?

That was some good shootin', son.

I'm gonna be sick again...

[Puking]

I puked after my first mass murder, too.

It gets easier.

I'm so ashamed.

Hunting is nothing more than

recreational murder.

Petey, God put animals on earth for us to hunt, eat,

and throw peanuts at when we go to the zoo.

No, they're thinking, feeling, sentient creatures,

just like you and me -

Well, me.

[Monstrous growl]

MYSTERY VOICE: I agree with the boy.

[Both scream]

[Screaming]

[Empty rifle clicking]

I think it's empty, sir.

[Scream]

Why do people keep running away from me?

Maybe 'cause ya hitch rides without askin', or...

'cause you're eight feet tall

and smell like a biker's armpit!

I think that smell is all you.

[Sniff] Oh, sorry.

I don't know what your game is, ya sonofabitch,

but you stay away from my girl.

[Sasquatch loudly chowing down]

[Sasquatch loudly chowing down]

Boy, you're a hungry fella!

Mmm!

This is the best thing I ever crammed down my food-hole!

[Chuckle] Oh, stop.

Sorry about trying to shoot you.

It's okay. People shoot at us all the time.

We think of it as a game...

[Gulp] ...that you can die from.

[Gulp] But I forgive you.

This guy!

He's so forgivin', like a big hairy Jesus!

Unlike Jesus, this guy isn't imaginary.

Why are you in the prairies?

I don't know!

One minute I'm enjoying a nice mushroom snack in the forest,

next thing ya know I wake up in a farmer's field

next to a very happy-looking pig -

and for some reason my penis was really sore.

Plus those hunters have been chasin' me since BC.

You been around since before Christ?

Settle an argument -

Jesus was real, wasn't he?

And white?

Yeah, and from British Columbia.

Those hunters want to take me to a place

where millionaires can hunt me for sport.

I dunno what millionaires are,

but they sound like dicks.

I know how ya feel. I was hunted once, too.

'Til he ran cryin' to the Feds and wound up here.

What's a Fed?McCOOL: Jimmy?

You're about to meet one.

Jimmy, I feel terrible about my tirade, so -

Sweet Burton Cummings!

Hey, a Mountie!

Sometimes they chase me in helicopters.

Jimmy... A word?

How do you manage it, Jimmy, how?

Manage what?

To consistently put your own well-being in danger.

There is a bona fide mythical creature

cramming lasagna into his food-hole

at your dining room table!

So? He's not dangerous. He's a sweetheart!

It's people like you who give Bigfeet a bad name.

SASQUATCH: The term "Bigfoot" is actually kinda racist.

You know, just sayin'.

What's next, is the Loch Ness monster going to

emerge from your toilet for a tea party?

Will a flying saucer land in your backyard

piloted by Jimmy Hoffa?

Hoffa ain't on no flyin' saucer, I'll tell ya that much.

That creature is a veritable magnet

for the world's press!

If word gets out about him,

every reporter on the planet

will show up outside your door!

Ooh, that ain't good.Exactly!

So until I figure out what to do,

keep that beast in the house.

Is that clear?

Crystal. Gina, you're grounded!

No!Oh right, the Bigfoot.

For Canada, where...

A Sasquatch, Jimmy, really?!

[Crack]

What's this about me being [bleep]ing grounded?

Here's some rib-eye, big fella!

Roof! [Gobbling food]

I'm going to take a bath.

Hey, get on outta here!

[Sad dog grunt]

You're a bad, bad boy.

Don't make me get a rolled-up newspaper!

[Bleep]! Yow!

Uh - [Dog whimper]

Oh no!

Did I get you with the door?

Come here, baby.

Don't worry.

We'll take you to the vet and get you checked out...

...and maybe neutered.Ruh?

Why can't I go outside?

Father Sun's awake, Mother Moon's asleep,

and Brother Sasquatch needs to drop a coil.

It's dangerous out there.

'Sides, you've seen the great outdoors.

Why not experience the great indoors?

That's not a thing, silly.

You made that up.

What are ya talkin' about?

Ya got TV, the internet, video games.

Is that all humans do?

Sit around lookin' at screens?

No, they also masturbate to those screens...

and order in food.

Some folks live rich and fulfillin' lives

and never leave the house.

Like who?Americans.

Greatest people on Earth. And the heaviest.

Here's the remote. I'll get ya a bowl of chips.

[Crash]

Salt n' Vinegar or Ketchup? Dammit!

One episode of Breakin' Bad

and he'da never left that chair.

[Frantic quacks]

[♪♪♪]

[Sighs]

[Barks]

[Whines]

[Both scream]

[♪♪♪]

[Loud vacuuming]

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Jimmy!

You see the leg room in this thing.

What are ya doin'? You're supposed to be at home.

I can't sit around all day.

TV's boring, video games are confusing,

and the internet keeps tryin' to sell me boner pills.

And between you and me,

I'm also kinda terrified of the vacuum cleaner.

Look, back where you come from,

what would the other Bigfoots do

if ya let humans know ya exist?

Oh, their vengeance would be swift and merciless.

They'd take away my berries.

We're gentle creatures at heart.

Okay, I'm in a situation where if people found out about me,

they'd let me keep my berries,

but they'd probably remove my nuts...

and then feed 'em to me.

That's... confusing.

I need ya to blend.

If people come lookin' for you, they might find me -

and then I'm chokin' on a mouthful of my own nuts.

I don't get it... Oh, you mean balls!

Bingo. Let's go home.

Okay, I'll drive.

The same thing kept happening in Grand Theft Auto!

[Barks]

[Growls]

It's hard on my knees,

my hands are gettin' calloused.

But the real problem is

I'm carryin' a lotta tension in my shoulders.

Oh, and if ya let on that I'm not a dog,

I'll break your legs.

I'm tryin' to nail this broad.

[Laughs]

So can ya gimme somethin' for my shoulders?

How's my boy doin'?

He's just fine, Ma'am.

In fact, if it was me, I'd have sex with this animal.

Of course, that's just me.

There's reports of a hairy man stalking the city

and a 600 percent rise

in dog disappearances.

I'm doin' my best, but the guy don't listen!

Remind you of someone?

Yeah, he's almost as bad as Cheech.

I checked the protocols for animal handling

and couldn't find anything related

to Cryptosimius Giganteus.

Leave your wang out of this.

I'm talking about your furry friend!

Leave my wang out of this!

Focus, Jimmy!

We're simply going to have to

drive Sasquatch back to his home.

Hopefully, my animal trailer requisition goes through.

I lied on the form.

I circled "other" where it asks what type of animal.

That's not really a lie.

But it's not specific, Jimmy!

That's tantamount to lying!

[Grunts]

[Screams]

[Girlish scream]

What the hell are ya doin' here?

I was gonna apply for a job.

What better way to blend in

than by becoming a faceless office drone?

I did up a resume and everything.

Nice font.

But that outfit ain't gonna fool anyone.

C'mon I'll buy ya lunch.

But I brought mine.

CHEECH: Look at her. She's so beautiful.

Maybe we got a shot - not as dog and owner,

but as man and smokin' hot chick.

I gotta end this before it gets weird.

Finished, boy?

[Grunts and farts]

I'm sorry pal, but McCool's sendin' ya back

to Columbus Brittanica.

This isn't fair.

I'm just startin' to live like a real human person.

No outside food.

Here, try this.

It makes life's disappointments

a little easier to take.

It also leads to Cookie gettin' pregnant.

Wow, that waitress just got really attractive.

I love you, Jimmy.

You're my best friend.

That's the beer talkin'.

I think those two jerks at the bar wanna fight me.

What'd you say about my mother?

Whoa! Take it easy!

And what's that hairy guy pointin' at, huh?

Screw you, fella.

Nobody understands me!

[Roars]

[Bar getting smashed, patrons screaming]

[Roars]

[Growls]

[Roars and loud crashes]

Oh, screw it.

[Roars]

Toby, get up!

The city is going to [bleep] and you're just lying around?

He went on a rampage from one beer?

Lucky ya didn't order a pitcher, ya'd be dead right now.

It's not funny, Cook. I'm worried about the guy!

What if he gets shot by the cops,

only to escape at the last second,

save a little girl from a fire,

and die as everyone mourns his essential humanity?

What the hell are you talkin' about?

This is what happens with monsters!

Don'tcha watch old movies?

I gotta find him before he gets killed,

or grabs a blonde and climbs a building.

[Doorbell]

Evening, Ma'am.

My name's Cheech McDoggy, I mean McDougal.

Have we met? I feel like I know your voice.

You know my bark, you know my whimper,

and you're about to know my truth.

Please don't ask if I've found Jesus.

I can't even find my shoes.

I gotta level with ya.

I been a real heel...

when I was heelin' at your command.

But I can't live a lie no more.

Plus my knees are killin' me.

And the collar chafes.

Tummy rubs are good.

And the food! Fugget about it.

Anyway, long story short,

I been pretendin' to be your dog.

[Laughing]

Boy, you kept this up way longer than I thought you would.

Pardon me?

Of course I know you're not a dog!

I'm blind, not stupid.

How many dogs have a zipper,

and pockets, with keys in 'em?

Slow down, I'm still figurin' out zipper dogs.

And you talk in your sleep, Cheech.

But thank you,

I haven't had this much fun in years.

That's great! I'm a fun guy...

as well as a dog.

I was thinkin' maybe you an' me could -

[Door slam]

I guess this is a bad time to admit

I been stealin' your panties.

I'm calling the police!

Yipe yipe yipe!

It's out of our hands, Jimmy.

Animal Control will take care of

that drunk and disorderly hairball.

That's what I'm afraid of.

He's gonna wind up dead or in a lab...

Or dead in a lab

with a pervy scientist proddin' his butthole.

You don't know what science does, do you?

Help me find him, then I'll drive him back to D.C.

B.C.

[Bleep]in' metric system. You know what I mean!

C'mon, if it was me, you'd do the same thing.

Sure, ya'd lecture me the whole time,

but ya'd still do it.

Damn it, Jimmy, alright!

But how can we find a creature

who's eluded detection for hundreds of years?

Pop! McCool!What is it, boy?

The Australians nabbed Sasquatch outside our house!

I ran out to help him, but they drove off...

I tried to chase them on my bike

but I ran over a cat.

Wait.

Those Australians had a B 624 dash 180

animal removal permit!

Of course!

I have no idea what that means.

It allows for air transport of live animals.

My obsessive knowledge

of protocol and procedure pays off once again!

To the airport!

What to do?

Technically, they're not breaking the law.

But aren't they breaking a moral law?

Is it my responsibility, as a servant of the Crown,

to enforce moral laws?

No, but as a human being,

you have an ethical imperative!

But are ethics not bound by a set of subjective values?

There's nothing subjective

about the rights of a sentient being!

Back me up, Pop.

Oh no!

Once he's dead, we'll feed him to the Yeti.

Why wait 'til he's dead?

For animal rights everywhere!

How do I stop? HOW DO I STOP?

Oh my God please stop, please stop, please stop.

[Dogs barking]

Nooooo!

Cheech?

Them guys jumped me outside our house.

I thought the blind chick sent 'em.

The Man They Call Reveen!

If Cheech is here, then where the devil is Sasquatch?

C'mon lady, which one pretended to be your dog?

Well let me see...

Oh right, I can't.

Ya dumb mother[bleep]er.

Yo, dogbreath, ya made bail.

Wow! What an adventure.

I got drunk, I got kidnapped,

and I had sexual relations with a pig.

That's an average weekend in Winnipeg.

I also learned that humans are terrible

and my people should kill and eat them.

What?Nothing.

Well, McCool, I learned my lesson.

It warms my heart to hear you say that.

I hope from now on you'll try to meet me half way.

Not that!

I mean I went before we left.

This is a long drive.

I shoulda gone before we left.

Hey, oh! Why's the floor wet?

It's nice he went back with a piece of our culture.

The Sasquatch population is doomed.

Ah man! We forgot to get a picture.

Oh God!

♪ [Haunting, mysterious theme]