Original subtitles

How ya doin'? I'm Jimmy "Turncoat" McDougal.

I been in Canada a while now,

but there was a time

when I was not so versed in its lame-ass ways.

THERESA: I'm confused.

I thought Canada was a State,

like Iowa or South America.

It's a separate country

attached to the top of America,

like a bad toupee.Or a braintumour.

Hey gang, I asked the mess hall to prepare some

authentic Canadian cuisine

in anticipation of our naturalization!

OTHERS: Ewww!

This is a French-Canadian dish.

It's French fries, cheese curds, and -

Whoa, did you say "cheese turds?"

Curds - Like "curds and whey."

In Little Miss Muffet?

I don't care who she is.

She just murdered them French fries.

And than someone blew a load all over 'em!

What's the brown stuff?

Looks like crap.

Do they eat crap in Canada?!

They do not eat crap in Canada!

So what do them Frenchies call this stuff?

Actually, it doesn't matter what it's called.

Sure it does! Let's hear it.I don't want to say.

Petey, ya can't just roll out [bleep]-covered cheese fries

and hold out on the name.

Fine, it's called poutine!What was that?

Ugh. Poutine, alright?

It's called POO-teen!

[Others laugh]

I rest my case.

But it ain't all bad up here.

They got this fluffy, delicious taste sensation

called a Beaver Tail.

Thanks, Petey.My pleasure!

Boy, those sure went fast.

I'm all over it! Get the maple syrup!

We'll be lickin' tail and eatin' beaver in no time!

Now that we live here in Regina,

if you think we're above making

a few obvious beaver jokes...

fugget about it!

♪ Let me tell you something

♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ Made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ he take the boss,

♪ he threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much longer 'til the mob want him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ The Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ so he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan. ♪

♪ Fugget about it! ♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it! Oh, fugget about it! ♪

ANNOUNCER: He's a big-city lawyer.

He's a West Coast beachcomber.

Along with their wacky special needs canine,

they're Two Men and Half a Dog!

That looks terrible!

Is it me, or is everything up here a crappy imitation

of stuff they do better in the States?

Codswallop, Jimmy!

Our culture is as strong as a California Redwood -

uh, er, a BC Redwood.

Here's a prime example -

The Canadian Football League.

A true original!

Adding "Canadian" doesn't make it original.

It just makes it suck.

Well, Cheech seems to like it.

COMMENTATOR: Hey, there's one of Rider Nation's

more dedicated fans!

I wonder if this guy could be any more green?

Yes, yes he can, folks.

Ew.

Eyyy, Jimmy!

What are ya doin'?

You're goin' to Canuck football games behind my back?

I go to games, I go to rub n' tugs...

I lead a rich and varied life, Jimbo.

It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

You're one of "them," a Canadian!

But it's great!

Three downs instead of four, a bigger field,

a faster, more excitin' game.

You're just jealous 'cause I'm assimilatin'

better than you.

Fine, I'll give it a shot.

Can't be worse than Canadian TV.

[Crowd cheering]

Go! Go! Go!

Touchdown!

We did it!

We're goin' to the Grey Cup, Jimmy!

Yes! Grey cup!

Grey cup! Grey -

Wait, what the [bleep] is a Grey Cup?

I dunno why they picked Petey

to work at the TV station.

Don't they want someone beautiful on camera?

I'm just observing for my elective credit.

I'm not actually on camera.

Aw, too bad...

said no one, but me, just now -

and I can't remember why.

Besides, ladies love journalists!

Hopefully they love guys who sit near them as well.

DJ: I don't need to tell anyone with a pulse

that this weekend Regina is hosting the Grey Cup...

That's the football championship

named after the fourth Earl of Grey.

No one gives a [bleep]!

DJ: Due to Sarah McLachlan harshing everyone's buzz

at last year's game,

Sunday's half-time show will be

hair-metal gods SNAKEHAMMER!

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

DJ: Call in now and sing your favourite Snakehammer song

for a chance to go to the game and meet the band!

Mom!

[Screams]

What's the number? What's the number?!

Nine-one-one...

[Phone dialling]

OPERATOR: Nine-one-one. What's your emergency?

I need Snakehammer tickets!!

Great game, Bubba!

We allowed in here?Sure!

I just wanna say hi to the boys.

ALL: Cheech!

Great game, fellas!

Way to take it up the middle!

That's how ya pound the weak side!

Nice ass, Billy!

Fellas, this is my nephew, Jimmy.

[Yelp]Good to meet ya!

Thanks, uh......Dexter.

G'on, now.

[Giggles]

That all you got, boy?!

[Giggles]

So, we on for Saturday, fellas?

Damn straight, Cheech.

I told the guys if they made it into the Grey Cup,

I'd take 'em all out for dinner.

Fugget that!

You're all comin' over to our place!

Who's with me!

[All cheer]

[Pained grunts]

Ma, someone's about to butcher

a song by that band ya like.

DJ: Among the many losers in our Snakehammer contest,

this next one's so awful

it can only be a sign of the coming apocalypse.

You're gonna love this.

They been playin' it all afternoon.

COOKIE: ♪ It's a rainy night on the boulevard, ♪

I know, right?

Cats gettin' gutted sound better than this.

COOKIE: ♪ So kiss my ass!

It's not that bad!

What are ya kiddin'?

It's terrib - Oh my God, this is you!

Don't you dare tell anyone that's me.

DJ: That was Cookie McDougal!

Cookie McDougal you are a terrible singer!

Ugh!

[Laughs]

[Muffled] Hey, let's all hear Cookie McDougal

literally murder this song one more time...

[Laughs]

Thanks for fittin' us into your busy schedule, Dexter.

Hey man, we play in the CFL.

Someone says free food, we come runnin'.

And what a runnin' game you guys got!

We're gonna need it against Toronto.

That's a world class city.

How's that?Ya ever meet someone from Toronto?

Within 30 seconds,

they tell ya they're from a "world class city."

New Yorkers have a name for Toronto.

"Nice try."

[Both laugh]

COOKIE: [On radio] ♪ It's a rainy night

[Electronic feedback]

What's goin' on, Cook?

Stereo's broken.

Who wants more six-alarm chili?

No thanks, I'm a vegetarian.

Don't worry, this ain't real meat.

It's pigeon.

Did you say "pigeon"?

It's good, huh?

I used my senior's discount at the dollar store.

North Korea's finest.

Aw Christ.

Jimmy, I don't feel so -

[Heaves]

Are you kidding me? Pigeon meat?

I suppose his majesty would prefer seagull?

The rich man's pigeon.

[Heaves]

[Heaving]

[Heaves]

[Heaving sounds]

[Screams]

[Farts]

It burns!

[Heaves]

[Screams]

[Coughing]

[Farting and heaving]

Hey, a beak!

In North Korea that's good luck!

Saskatchewan's Grey Cup dreams

took a nightmarish turn today

when the entire team fell violently ill.

Nothing means anything anymore.

I'm going home.

I'm just supposed to be observing!

Can I at least get some powder?

Football fans are gathered outside Wascana hospital

on the eve of the Grey Cup.

Defensive Tackle Dexter Mills

urged Rider Nation not to lose faith.

Please, let me die...

Sources suggest the team

got food poisoning at this area home.

Oh wow, that's my house!

Near that house

where the blood-thirsty mob has gathered.

Poor Jimmy can't catch a break.

[Angry shouting]

[Doorknob jiggling]

Ooh! Ow!

Jesus Christ Cheech!

Ow! What the hell?

Sorry Jimmy.

I thought you was one of them nutjobs tryin' to get in!

Ow! Good Lord!

Jimmy! Cheech! What the heck?!

What are ya doin' in here, McCool?

Ya should be outside gettin' them lunatics off my sidewalk.

Jimmy, if you thought crossing the mafia was dangerous,

wait until Rider Nation sobers up enough

to get their hands on you.

Excuse my French, but c'est un gros probleme!

I got no idea what you just said.

Well get used to it,

because that's what you'll be hearing

when I put you in Double Witness protection

in Northern Quebec!

Ooh, those guys hate Canada as much as we do.

"If we forfeit, you die.

Sincerely, the People of Saskatchewan.

PS - Sorry about the window.

We enclosed a cheque for the cost of replacement."

I think this is for you.

No one politely threatens me!

[All scream]

Make sure he gets his ball back!

[Jimmy screams]

Great catch, Jimmy!

[Grunts]

Great throw, McCool!

MAN: Great chili, Cheech!

McCool, excuse my French,

but I ain't [bleep]in' movin' to Quebec.

Ma, ya gotta snap outta this.

What?! I can't hear ya!

I can't hear anything! It's great!

Ew! Those are Cheech's sex pillows

Ya can't hide here forever.

This is the only place I'm safe

from that freakin' song!

And those angry Snakehammer fans outside!

Don't worry.

They're just here to kill Pop for wrecking the gay Cup.

[Cookie singing]

Ahh! That song!

Theresa, have a heart.

Put it on vibrate.

And miss a call?

Ma, calm down -

[Gasps]

Aw crap.

Nice shirt.

I got a truckload of 'em. What's your size?

[Screams]

Cheech and I assembled a team

to take the Riders' spot in the Grey Cup.

Yes, of course you have. Very good.

You do tickle my funny bone, Jimmy.

I'm serious!

This is the only chance we got to get the people on our side

and to keep them from crapping in our mailbox.

That's my toilet.

You'll be slaughtered.

Like Cookie slaughtered that song on the radio.

The alternative is we throw Cheech to the fans

and they rip him to pieces.

S'good to have options.

Premier O'Shea's playin' slotback.

Mayor Shwa-Shwa's Tight End.

There's one spot left to fill, McCool,

and it's gotta be you.

With your arm, and my smarts,

we can't lose.

Would that I could, but I cannot.

I once had a promising football career.

That was all before the injury -

[♪♪♪]

A concussion so severe, for weeks I thought

I was a late-night talk show sidekick...

So this football player walks into a bar...

Ouch!

Heyo! Who's with me?

I'm sorry, gentlemen.

I cannot risk another concussion

to help you in this ludicrous endeavour.

Fine, we'll do it without ya.

I'll be damned if the Grey Cup

gets cancelled on my watch.

Gimme a grand on the Argos.

Whaddaya mean, "no"? Screw you, Gina!

Despite unseasonably warm minus 35 temperatures,

the stands at Grey Cup are empty.

Regina will be out to forfeit momentarily,

so I will have the evening free...

ladies.

Wait!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

A group of middle-aged men posing as the Roughriders

are taking the field!

And here come the Toronto Argonauts.

PLAYERS: World class city! World class city!

World class city! World class city!

Betcha wish ya ate my chili now.

Oh boy, my dad is screwed.

Okay, so they're big.

Does that make 'em better than us?CHEECH: Yes.

So they're pro athletes.

Does that make 'em better than us?CHEECH: Yes.

So they're highly skilled -

Hang on. Lemme rethink this...

But I knew most of the answers!

When you guys are out there gettin' pulverized,

I want ya to remember what we're playin' for.

Endorsement deals?

Rider pride!

We're not gonna stand by

and be the first team to ever forfeit a Grey Cup!

Who's with me?!

[Screams]

[Shrieks]

Bit of a mixed message, but I'll take it.

Hey lady, what'd you do with my mother?

I am your mother, Gina.

And it's time I started actin' like it.

Is this about that horrible song, Ma?

'Cause if it is, you're overreactin'.

Snakehammer was fine when I was in my teens,

but I'm a grown-up lady now,

and you know what it says in the Bible.

Uhhh... wait, I know this.

Jesus throws a big dinner party?

Yeah, and one of the Jonas Brothers

betrays him for 30 peanuts of silver.

No! It says ya have to put away childish things.

Like rock albums and hopes and dreams.

And you two are so goin' to bible camp.

Ma, ya think you're a failure, but you've gone viral!

That was 20 years ago and penicillin took care of it.

No, no -

like that video of the toddler with a shotgun,

or the girl who plays trumpet with her butt.

Flattering as that is,

I think I'm gonna stick to bein'

an adult from now on.

No more Snakehammer.

[Doorbell]

Oh my God!

Izzy Copperhead from Snakehammer?!

I'm lookin' for the chick who mangled our song.

Here she is.

[♪♪♪]

World class city!

[Screams]

[Whistle]

Okay, so far so good.

It's our ball, and nobody's dead.

C'mon Jimmy. Lemme be quarterback.

Shut up! I'm quarterback.

But I got this play worked out.

It's a sure thing...

[♪♪♪]

[All growl]

26, four, Hindenberg, blue, hut!

[Grunting efforts]

[Screams]

Yay!

[Laughs]

[♪♪♪]

They'll never see it comin'!

Let's keep that one in our back pockets for later.

[Gasps]

[All cheer]

You weren't going to start this party without me,

were you?

What changed your mind?

You did, Jimmy.

You stood tall while others kneeled...

in front of the toilet, yakking their guts out.

C'mere, ya crazy son of a bitch.

If you guys are done chokin' each others' chickens,

we got some football to play.

Your call McCool.

Fast and loose, on two.

[Grunting efforts]

Ha ha!

[All cheer]

[All gasp]

You okay, McCool?

Is your conditioner making you impotent?

Find out after the break!

And we're back!

This Rider B-squad sure has heart!

In fact, I see one of their hearts on the field now!

And an Argo player just ate it!

There's a hearty meal, am I right?

You're not supposed to be up here.

Terrific!

Lucky we still got this guy.

The only Roughrider ya didn't almost kill with your chili.

'Cause he's a vegetable.

Ya mean vegetarian.

Hike.

[Whistle blows]

Now he's a vegetable.

At the half, the stadium appears to be filling up

as fans get behind this ragtag bunch...

or maybe they're just here for Snakehammer.

I hear the lead singer had a few too many backstage.

He got... Snakehammered.

Is this thing on?

[Pained grunts]

Sometimes in life,

ya take a few knocks...

...but ya gotta get back up

and give what ya got!

This little lady right here took a beating

and didn't let it get her down.

Put your hands together

for Cookie...

What's her name... Whatever her name, ow!!

[Crowd angrily murmurs]

[Instruments tune up]

Who's laughin' now, ya jagoffs!

Hit it boys!

[♪♪♪]

♪ It's a rainy night

♪ on the boulevard

♪ my socks are squishy

♪ my life is hard

[♪♪♪]

♪ my nose is runny

♪ but I'm a fighter

♪ kiss my ass

♪ and raise your lighter...

[Crowd cheers]

[♪♪♪]

Good for you, Cook. Good for you.

[Sobbing]

We're done, Jimmy.

Time to throw in the towel.

I'll do it, just show me where they keep the towels.

You wanna give up?

Lie down and die like stinkin' dogs?

No! I just wanna go home.

Why ya gotta make it sound so ugly?

Those people out there are startin' to believe in us!

We give up now, we're givin' up on them,

and ourselves...

and all the kids who dream of playin'

in a league fulla guys

who couldn't cut it in the NFL.

Those Argo-nutsacks got ya believin'

ya ain't good enough,

that ya ain't world class.

Well I say they're wrong!

And if ya agree with me, I'll see ya on the field.

Who's with me?

So we goin' for ribs or what?

And we're back for the second half.

Wow, my mom performed at half-time,

my dad's on the team -

Which one did'ja blow to get this job?

Hey!

Give me something I can use. I'm dying here!

CHEECH: Jimmy!

Cheech!

My speech worked?

God no. You're my ride home.

Let's hit 'em where it hurts.

It's time to get in their heads.

How do we do that? Tiny submarine?

ARGOS: World class city!

No, here's what we're gonna do...

Yo number ten, it's the NFL callin' for ya.

Really?

Nah, 'course not. You [Bleep] suck.

PLAYER: Hike!

[Crowd cheers]

So when's the last time Toronto hosted the Olympics?

Uh, never, but we had the Pan Am Games.

Pan Am Games. That's cute.

Two subway lines?

You're about as "world class" as Cleveland!

ALL: Hey!

[Crowd cheers]

This gutsy performance has brought Rider Nation back.

It doesn't get more exciting than this!

I am so hard right now.

Hey World Class [bleep]y,

is the CN Tower still the tallest building in the world?

Well no, but -

[Whistle blows]

[Crowd cheers]

I'm feelin' somethin' Cheech.

Somethin' I ain't felt since we moved up here.

Internal bleedin'?

No... it's pride.

Alright, let's finish this.

Hey [bleep]nuts,

how many years since the Leafs won the cup?

[All stammer]

Hut!

Touchdown!

[Crowd cheers]

Shouldn't someone tell 'em we lost?

Sure we lost, but look at Toronto!

They're miserable.

World Class City! World Class City!

Come on, guys. World class city!

Shut up, Doug!

But Jimmy, we still lost the game.

So what?

It's a whaddayacallit, moral victory.

But we lost!

It's not about winnin' or losin',

it's how ya play the game!

Oh God... You're one of them!

You turned Canadian!

[Gasp]

Noooooo!

Don't forget - Tonight's game will be followed by the second

and final episode

of Two Men and Half a Dog.

I love that show.