Original subtitles

How'ya doin'?

I'm the FBI informant and shell of a man

formerly known as Jimmy Falcone.

One thing I don't miss about the old life

is how nobody did nothin' without an interior motive.

Oh, Frankie brought cake!

Really? What's the occasion?

What, I need an occasion to do somethin' nice?

Kill my brother in law?

Before or after the sugar high,

ya lazy bastard?

Thanks for helping me move, Joe.

No problem!

Just help me get these on the truck.

JIMMY: And it didn't matter how small the favour.

They always expected somethin' in return.

Really Joe?

Ya moved like one box!

Thanks for drivin' us to the airport, Bruno.

Here, swallow these.

You'll need a laxative when ya land...

Your brother-in-law says "hey".

[Choking]

I'm gonna need that laxative.

Here in the Great Bland North,

people are nice for no reason at all.

Gives me the creeps.

I still haven't figured out their angle.

But if you think I'll ever

get used to Canadian polite-itude, you can...

[Farts]

Hey the drugs came out!

Fugget about it.

♪ Lemme tell you somethin'

♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ A "made" wise guy and a capo with Gambini ♪

♪ But then he found out they'd be whackin' Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss and threw him the nineteenth floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long till the mob all wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the feds ♪

♪ The feds said they'd help if they can use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved t'Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it!

Oh! Fugget about it!

And the answer to

"What Sexual Position Are You" is...

"Missionary?!"

Stupid online quiz.

I thought for sure I'd get Belgian Wishbone.

That was there when I got here...

and I need a new computer.

No problem, Jimmy!

So last night I was at home thinking about you,

long and hard...

[Giggles]

It occurred to me what a breath of fresh air

you've been to this office.

And I wanted to show my appreciation.

So... what do ya want?

Nothing, Jimmy.

Want me to whack somebody?

Oh gosh, no!

Move some merchandise?

Not at all.Then what is it?

It's just a cake, Jimmy.

I also wanted to give you a hug.

But provincial guidelines forbid it,

so I got you a 'Hug Mug' instead!

I don't know what to say.

I'm... I'm very confused.

Oh look, your uncle is here!

Hey slugger!

Lookit you! I love this kid!

What a face!

Now get outta here, champ. Who's that schmuck?

What are ya doin' here, Cheech?

My printer's on the fritz.

Paper jam?Nah, I shot it.

No one tells Cheech Falcone

to "load cyan cartridge".

I gotta print some pictures of cats

askin' for cheeseburgers.No ya don't.

How else am I s'posed to share 'em with my friends?

Get with the future, Jimmy.

A] you're not stealin' my printer,

B] ya got no friends,

and C] get the [bleep] outta my office.

Ya didn't say there was gonna be a test!

I'm outta here!

Vagina Tourism.

CHEECH: Yo, this thing prints in color, right?

Goddammit! What did I say?

You printer-stealin' mother[bleep],

I oughta rip your [bleep] head off

and shove it straight up your [bleep] wazoo!

Okay Jimmy, thanks!

Uh... Jimmy, we should talk about that anger,

right after I change my pants.

Sorry I had to knock with my boot--

You can knock boots here anytime, McCool.

[Chuckles]

It appears Gina somehow

got ahold of my, er, handcuffs...

...and I need the keys.

Well lookie here!

Our big Mountie's in handcuffs.

[Chuckles]

I wonder if he's ticklish?

Will you stop!

Haha! This is highly irregular!

Haha! Ladies stop!

Hahaha!

Ya want those keys,

you're gonna have to give us somethin', McCool.

Yeah! Dance!

Certainly not!

[Giggles]

[All giggle]

For cryin out loud!

Here-- Let him go!

You're takin' all the fun outta illegal confinement.

Gina Madonna Falcone

you're confined to your room for the rest of the day

for this little stunt.

Pfft.

I can do that standin' on my head.

That's gonna give ya a bald spot.

I'm not actually standin' on my head, genius.

Cookie, have you ever thought of enrolling Gina

in the 'Scared Straight' program?

Is that when hardened criminals

yell and intimidate kids?

'Coz that's dinner at our house.

Early prevention is crucial for wayward youth.

In my spare time I volunteer with at-risk children who--

Yeah, yeah, scared straight, you're a saint, I get it.

Now, what are ya gonna gimme for these keys?

I'm confused, Toby, you never get mad.

What do you know about anger management?

Oh, Jimmy.

I'm angry in ways that defy logic

and international convention.

But, I manage my anger issues.

I don't got angry issues,

my uncle was just drivin' me nuts!

Can I go?

You can't blame family for pushing your buttons.

That's called deflecting.

Guess who's getting a gold star?

Boop!

You try livin' with a nutjob like Cheech.

He doesn't just push buttons.

He craps on 'em and doesn't flush.

I have a family member who's hard to deal with, Jimmy.

Why don't you come to my house for dinner

and see how I deal with my hard member?

Can I come, too?

Any more questions?

Why do I gotta go to prison?

Ya got your damn keys back, didn'tcha?

Yes, but I had to promise your mother

a summer of yard work in my daisy dukes.

In any case, this is the intake

where they check convicts for contraband.

Ya missed a few things.

Gord Downey's impenetrable lyrics!

What do you need with all these weapons?

How else am I supposed to make someone my bitch?

What was that for?

She was reachin' for the rubber gloves!

I know what that means!

Alright, now take me to jail.

Where ya goin'?Out for dinner.

Great, I'll get my coat.

Keep your coat. I'm goin' alone.

But I'm starvin'!

There's never any food around here.

Awww. Leftovers again?

[Sighs]

What are ya gonna do? I'm here now.

Alright fine, but be on your best behavior.

That's my boss' house.

Church rules, okay?

Right. The pants stay on.

I know Cheech wasn't invited,

but he tagged along anyhow.

See what I mean about this guy?

This is why you're here.

To see how I deal with my own "Uncle Cheech".

Ha ha!

Hi Mom, good one.

Who are these dicks?

This is Jimmy and his Uncle Cheech.

Guys, this is my Mom, Greta.

Hey jerks, check this out--

[Farts]

C'mon, how 'bout now?

What'd I have for lunch?

Guess I'll get dinner on the table.

My thong's chaffin'.

Be right back.

Jesus, what a monster.

Toby didn't even flinch. That's impressive.

No, Jimmy, that's impressive.

An ugly statue of a Goose?

That "ugly" statue is the Gibraltar Goose.

It's worth a fortune.

People been cuttin' each others throats

to get their hands on it forever.

I had it once,

but it slipped through my fingers...

I killed my best friend,

double-crossed my mother,

and betrayed the woman I love,

but I finally got ya!

Next stop, Coney Island!

Oooh, rolly-coaster!

I tried to get it back, but I was outta subway tokens.

This here Goose is the stuff

dreams are made outta, Jimmy.

Well don't get any ideas about stealin' it.

What's eatin' you?

Toby's tryin' to help me.

You're not robbin' him!

Rob him? I don't even know who he is!

[Both struggle]

Gimme that... Let go of it!

I said hands off!

Jimmy!

Stop abusing Uncle Cheech!

This is not how you deal with anger!

[Farts]

It's hummus, for Christ sake.

I had hummus.

[Chuckles]

The barista gave me cinnamon sprinkles

instead of chocolate.

I spoke very sharply to her manager.

I'm a monster!

I just want to cut myself, over and over--

Hold that thought Agnes.

I want to focus on someone who really needs help.

Jimmy?

Is there anything you'd like to talk about?

Why yes there is.

I move that these meetings be catered.

Someone's deflecting again!

What was it Cheech did last night

that made you want to, what was it?

'Skull bang him straight to hell'?

Whatever he did...

[Sighs]

I have learned that I can't be responsible

for his behaviours, only for mine own.

Question for the group -

who's getting a gold star today?

Not Agnes, I'll goddamn tell you that.

Boop!

And speaking of Cheech.

Did you know he asked my mom out on a date,

and she said, [bleep] yes, end quote.

Isn't that great, Jimmy?

We'll practically be brothers!

Call off the date, Cheech.

No can do.

I really like this broad.

Gimme a break! You're just usin' her.

Keep your hands off that freakin' goose, capice?

Ya got it all wrong, Jimbo.

I wanna woo this dame, show her a good time,

make her feel good, then--

Rob her blind?

No!

Bang her in the back seat!

...of the car. ...in her butt.

Oh, and I'm borrowin' the SUV.

Think you're tough?

I eat tough for breakfast... sometimes a smoothie.

I'm doin' ten years for robbery.

Got caught 'cause my tank was empty.

Worst part is, I was robbin' a gas station.

Isn't it ironic?

Get outta my head, Alanis!

What a mook.

What'd you say to me?

You're a mook, a gafone, a stronz.

Don't ya speak English?

Robbin' a gas station?

Get some [bleep] class!

Banks are where it's at!

Ya strap a bomb to your chest and pretend you're a victim.

"Empty the vault

or they splatter me all over this joint!"

Ya with me so far?

Then hand off the money to an accomplice

while the cops are busy with the bomb on your chest.

[Gasps]

Ya give the fuzz a bogus description of the "robbers"

so they don't know who the hell they're lookin' for.

Then meet up with your friend, get the cash,

and stick a knife in his back.

Right McCool?

Sweet blessed Monarchy.

Yo, this advice ain't free.

Gimme all your cigarettes.

Oh Jimmy, this is so romantic!

I can't remember the last time ya wined and dined me.

What say we sneak into the bathroom

for a little appetizer?

[Giggles]

Sure, get an appetizer. Who gives a [bleep]?

Are you even listenin' to me?

Why do ya keep lookin' over there?

Oh God, ya brought me here

just so ya could watch Cheech?

So what?

I can't sit by myself like some pathetic loser.

Hey!

Ugh!Where ya goin'?

You're spyin' on your elderly uncle while he's on a date.

Ya got some serious problems, Jimmy.

Who's pathetic now?

Still you.Yeah.

[Moaning]

He's givin' her the ol' Belgian Wishbone!

Oh, that's nasty...

CHEECH: Moussaka!

GRETA: Opa!

You hear that, Toby?

He got it on the first try!

CHEECH: Who's Toby?

[Chuckles]

What's your game here, Cheech?

[Screams]

I could ask you the same thing.

Toby, I can explain.

No need, Jimmy.

You're under a lot of strain

coping with your feelings toward your uncle.

Not to mention the ridiculous pressures at work.

Actually, work's pretty easy.

You're such a trooper!

That's why you deserved that cake.

Toby, listen, Cheech is gonna rob your mother.

Too late, Jimmy.

He already stole her heart

and some change from the bedside table.

But don't worry,

we're going to get you the help you need.

My name is Jimmy McDougal and--

Uh, Jimmy...

My name is Jimmy McDougal and I am a peeping tom.

Uh, that's my seat.

Finally, some action around here.

But I can sit somewhere else if you're already eating.

You are, aren't you?

Sorry. I'll just go--

[Prisoners yelling]

Lord Stanley's Cup!

We've never had a riot before!

Gina, hit the floor! I will come and get you!

Don't bother!

I'm just startin' to have fun!

But you're in danger!

Ha! McCool...

...I am the danger!

[Screams]

[indistinct voices]Alright Cheech...

...how ya gonna steal the goose

if it's already stole?

Stolden?

Dammit, what's the word I'm lookin' for?

Ah Jimmy?

Are you spying on Cheech and my mother again?

What? No, not at all!

Um, I think maybe you need another session

at Peeping Toms Anonymous.

Ya got it all wrong.

I'm just tryin' to stop Cheech from robbin' your mother.

Look, lemme show ya.

God no! I don't wanna see it.

Aw crap it's stuck...

Jimmy, please, don't show it to me.

It's very inappropriate!

C'mon baby. C'mon.

Here it comes.

Right there. Right there.

For the love of God, Jimmy,

stop masturbating in front of me!

Right there!

[Screams]

[Offscreen farts]

CHEECH: Peking Duck!GRETA: Nailed it!

Why are we havin' a stapler safety meeting?

It sounds made up and stupid.

You know what they say.

An ounce of prevention

is worth point-four kiligrams of cure.

Oh I can't lie to you, Jimmy.

But you're going to thank me after this.

After what?

TOBY: Your intervention!

Aw, Jesus Christ...

These people are here because they love you.

Except my Mom.

She's here because her finger's stuck

in Cheech's zipper.

I was giving him a diddle!

Everyone has written a letter

about how your problem has affected them.

All we ask is that you hear us out.

Yeah, c'mon, Jimmy.

You're tearin' this family apart or somethin'.

Don't you start with me, Cheech.

Will you listen to what the people

who love you have to say, Jimmy?

You bet your ass he will.

Wait a sec, where's Gina?

McCool took her to prison.

That's about the only thing

that makes any sense right now.

Alright, Cookie, you're first.

[Sighs]

Sorry, this is hard for me.

Dear Jimmy...

Ya owe me a dinner.

Love, Cook.

That was beautiful.

Sometimes we have to listen

to what isn't being said, Jimmy.

Can I listen from the bar down the street?

Okay. Who's next?

Dear Jimmy, ya know when you gotta whiz at night

but ya don't wanna turn the lights on

'cause it hurts your eyes?

Well what if ya put lights

around the toilet seat so--

Cheech, what the hell are ya doin'?

Readin' my invention letter.

Okay... Theresa?

I didn't know we were reading these out loud.

Be brave, this is a safe place.

Sad face. Angry face.

Thumbs down. Dark clouds.

Japanese Goblin--

What are you talkin' about?

I wrote my letter in emojis.

That is so dumb face.

Dear Father, this is the hardest thing

I've ever had to write.

You are more important to me than--

Boring!

[Farts]

Ya make me wanna be a better man, you know that?

Alright, that is it!

But I'm not finished my--Petey I'm talkin' here!

You wanna know what my problem is?

I'll tell ya - the only reason Cheech

is goin' out with Greta is so he can steal her Goose.

Don't you mean 'gobble her goose'?

Ew, I just pictured it!

It's the Gibraltar Goose!

It's this famous old statue that's worth a lotta money.

Ain't that right, Cheech?

You have always been my rock--

Jimmy, you of all people should know

how hard I've tried,

how long I've searched for the one thing

that has deluded me all these years...

See? He's after the Goose!

I'm after love!

And now that I finally got it,

ya wanna take it away from me.

My port in the storm, but now...

I think you owe Uncle Cheech an apology.

I got Cheech's apology right here.

I'm not the one with a problem.

It's you people! You're all crazy.

Call me when you're havin' a real stapler safety meeting!

Ever since I was a little boy, I longed for--

I think that went well, don't you Uncle Cheech?

Have we met?

[Laughs]

Canadian prisons are the kindest in the world!

Why are they doing this?

Stop rioting this instant!

MAN: Screw you!

Someone's comin' out with demands!

I say this at the risk of being unsportsmanlike,

but as soon as the bastard shows himself,

make an example of him.

Cancel that order! Stand down! Stand down!

Gilbert, lower the shotgun!

Gina! Thank goodness you're alright.

Those cowards!

Sending a child to do their dirty work!

Ya wanna hear the demands or what?

Yes, but first let's get you to safety!

Never mind that!

There's only one demand, McCool.

Don't ever try to scare me straight again.

That's why they're rioting?

Yeah, they do whatever I tell 'em.

Now do we got a deal or what?

Yes, fine, but how--

[Whistles]

Alright jagoffs, back to your cells!

No one mentions this at the staff meeting, understood?

I'm looking at you, Gilbert!

A-ha!

Whoa! A-ha!

A-ha!

A-ha!

You're adrift in a sea of sorrow and I want to--

What's going on here?

Oh c'mon!

See? I caught him red-handed.

Cheech is trying to steal the goose.

In fact they all are!

If I wasn't so damn mad, I'd be pretty proud right now.

For the last time

I ain't here to steal no goose!

I'm here for love.

Greta... I wanna say 'Smith'?

Will you make me the happiest man in Vagina

and become my wife?

Oh, Cheech. Yes.

I can't wait for you, me,

and Toby to start our new life together.

Who's Toby?

I'm Toby! Me! Me!

How can you not know that by now?

I co-signed your small business loan!

I gave you a bath!

I helped you design the toilet light!

Oh. Nice to meet'cha.

I am Toby! Nice to meet you!

I'm Toby! Toby!

Got that? My name is Toby!

T-O-B-Y Toby!

H-E-double hockey sticks!

Why doesn't he get it!

You never mentioned you had a kid!

I was young, I needed money.

But no one would buy the baby off me--

Yo, back off,

I can't be in a relationship without trust.

I don't suppose you learned anything

from this experience?

Just how to turn a toothbrush into a knife

and make a bomb outta coffee creamers.

What am I going to do with you, Gina?

I dunno, but after this debacle,

I'm gonna have your badge.

Because I placed you, a minor,

inside a prison among hardened criminals

and a riot broke out?

No.

'Coz I lifted it just now while you were yakkin'.

That's your cue to hop on your horse

and yell something stupid, hot shot.

[Sighs]

What's this for?

I brung ya a cake.

I gotta have a reason? Look inside.

I knew it!

You were gonna steal it the whole time!

Not at all.

But that bitch lied to me.

Ya lie to me, I steal your goose.

General principles.

So? What's it worth?

Nothin'.

It's a Chinese knockoff.

Hi Cheech. Ow!

It's... Tracey, right?