Original subtitles

[beep]

-[Jimmy snoring]

-[Ellye groans]

It's happening. It's happening.

-[Jimmy grunts]

-[taps hard] It's happening!

-What is...? Now?

Now?

-Yeeeesssss!

[oxygen hissing]

[Kevin] I can smell colors.

[Dr. Tamblyn] Thank you for shaving your scrotum,

by the way. -[Kevin] Oh, sure.

-I know it's just a little gesture,

but the nurses sure do appreciate it.

-Ah. -Now you're going to feel

a little tug.

-Why does he keep saying little? Why does he repeat that word?

-Last chance, folks.

Sure you want to go through with this?

-[soft chuckle]

We're sure.

[flesh sizzles]

[phone ringing]

-I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, hon. -What?

-Let me-- let me turn that off.

-Who's cooking bacon?

-Bitsy? -[Ellye] [over phone] Amy?

-Hi. Yeah. Honey, now-- now's not a good--

[Ellye] It's happening.

-What? -[Ellye] I know.

Okay, well, you have to get here.

-You're not due for another week.

[Ellye] I know, but it's happening.

[Amy] Uh, we will be there.

[Ellye] Okay. Hurry. I don't know

when it's gonna happen. -I know, I know.

Okay, okay. - So you need to get here now,

just in case. -Yes. I love you too.

Bye-bye. -[Kevin blows raspberry]

-Um...

-What up?

-I'm gonna be an auntie.

-[Ellye] Daddy? - [Howard] Hey! Hello!

[Ellye] Did you remember the camera?

-Yes, I've got the camera.

I've got the SD cards. Battery's all charged up.

Even stopped and got a wide-angle lens

so I can get all of you.

[Ellye] Dad! What is that supposed to mean?

-Uh...okay. All right. Poor word choice.

-[Ellye] Get all of me, really? -All right, I'm sorry.

-[Ellye] God. -Honey, I'm sorry.

[Ellye] Have you left yet?

[Linda] Sweetheart, we left Tahoe just now.

[Ellye] You should be on the road!

-We are on the road.

[Ellye] I called you an hour ago.

-We'll be there as soon as we can.

Don't you worry.

[Ellye] Okay.

-[whispers] Is the back door locked?

Is the coffee machine off?

-[Ellye] Mom? -Did you at least see the cat?

[Ellye] Mom! Are you still there?

-Honey? Honey, you know you weren't supposed to

go into labor until next week.

[Ellye] I understand that, Mom.

I can't really control... -Did you pack your pills?

[Ellye] ...when the baby comes, okay?

-[Gary sighs] -[Ellye] Mom.

-Make sure you actually

see the cat. -[Ellye] Mom.

Eew.

[electric razor whirring]

-Wow. -You okay?

-Yeah, I'm okay.

My balls are sad frozen grapes, but I'm okay.

-[Amy] I love grapes. -[Kevin] How are you holding up?

[Amy] Well... you know, it's a lot.

-It is a lot, but, uh, I got you.

-I got you. I got you. [chuckles]

-I got you so hard. -I-- oh.

[Jimmy] Hey, there they are.

-Hi. -Here he is.

Thank you, for... -Oh, anytime. Anytime.

-Hey, congratulations. -It's so good to see you.

Hey! No!

-I just-- -No!

-Let him. -No, we are family.

Don't do that. Don't do that. I got this.

-Thank you very much. -My man. Come here. Hug me.

-Come on, man.

-Agghhh! So good to see you again.

-Good to see you.

Hey, uh, what's the spread on boy versus girl?

-Four to one.

-Four to one? Put me down for a C-note.

You want in on this?

-On, uh-- oh, do I want--?

No. -You sure?

-Next time. -No, we're good.

-It's...a grand. -Oh. Next time.

We'll think about it next time. -[Amy chuckles]

-You going to the game tonight?

-You know it, boss. -All right, look.

No street dogs. Please.

I'm-- I'm-- I'mma pay you. No street dogs, all right?

I need all hands on deck tomorrow.

It's a big day, bro. -Okay.

[perky music playing]

[Ellye] ...get your skinny butt over here.

-There she is.

Oh. I'm coming. I'm coming. You are so preggo this time.

-I am so preggo.

-Oh, my gosh. Five months really makes a difference.

-I know. I totally popped. -Look at you.

-Not much longer though. Fingers crossed. Legs open.

Hi. -Oh, my god. Gorgeous as ever.

-Oh, stop. I feel like the Jolly Green Vagiant.

-You look beautiful.

-Do you want to touch it?

-Go ahead. -Go on.

Yeah, fam.

-Whoa! -That was-- yeah.

-You felt that? -It's a fucking alien, right?

We got our own little chest-burster.

-Come on. Come on. I wanna give you the tour.

Welcome. Welcome. I'm so happy you're here.

Thank you, babe.

-It's like the Jetsons. -[giggles] So much glass.

-[Ellye] Isn't it amazing? -[Amy] Look at that.

It's so beautiful.

[Ellye] Oh, you should have seen it before.

It was a total bachelor pad, okay?

-Beautiful.

[Ellye] Like a wet bar over here

and there was like black leather couches.

It was terrible. -I don't miss it.

-Oh. Jimmy's been so sweet.

He let me play house. Don't you love that?

[indistinct] has done all the celebrity pregnancies.

[Jimmy] Baby, I could stare at that all day.

-It's very tasteful. -I know. [giggles]

[Ellye] We love it. [squeals] It turned out so good.

So yeah, everything else you're looking at,

I pretty much got from shoots, you know.

Like, oh my gosh, this thing.

Ah, you need this. This is from Bali.

You guys can have it if you want.

It's like a fertility goddess. Worked for us.

Also, I'm sorry, but if it's okay,

I-- I-- I had to put you guys in here.

It's just, Mom-- Mom's snoring is so bad.

-Oh, to sleep. -Yeah.

-Oh, we'll sleep right there? -Okay.

-Yeah. -[Jimmy] It folds out.

-It's just-- I can't have her waking the baby.

The snoring's really bad.

And please don't tell her I said so,

because you know how she is. -Whatever you need.

-It's like a chainsaw starting.

-I don't know how Gary gets any sleep.

-Is that Grandma Evans' china?

-Wasn't that a wedding gift, baby?

-I think so. I... -I think it was...

I think it was a wedding plus a housewarming gift.

I mean, you know how Mom is.

She's like, we're having a baby, so we'll probably be hosting

Christmas or Thanksgiving, just for ease.

-So weird, because you've never even been home

for Thanksgiving since you landed Victoria's Secret Plus.

-Where should we stick this luggage?

-The gym. The gym.

-Put it in the gym? -[Jimmy] Yeah, you know what?

It's down that hallway right there.

You go down, to the right, last door.

-Make yourselves at home, please. Be comfy.

-Will do. It's really beautiful.

-Oh, god. I'm so glad you're here.

-Such a treat. -[Ellye chuckles]

Didn't even take 15 minutes.

-"Since we're the ones with the baby coming."

That's very subtle. Very subtle.

-Baby, I think you should say something.

-Why? She's gonna take her side.

-Well, that's questionable. -She always takes her side.

You know what? She can have the china.

I don't even care. -Okay. Big of you.

-But she is not taking our baby name.

-Oh.

-I have had a name picked out since I was 14 years old.

-Yeah, I know.

-And if she thinks that she can just swoop on in here

because she's the one that got pregnant, she can eat...

-Nope.

-...my ass. She can-- -That's my job.

But I will go Mad Max if

she tries to take our baby name. -[laughing]

[emotional music playing]

[Ellye] [over baby monitor] Redrum. Redrum. [laughs]

-Bitsy.

[Ellye] Hi.

-This room, it's... perfect.

-Okay, this is what they're rocking.

A elliptical, a Peloton, and a vintage Bowflex.

Jimmy is so loaded, babe. My god.

'Cause I know how much her money went to-- [snorts]

-Honey.

[Ellye] Hi, Kevin.

-[sniffs] Ellye, what is that smell in here?

What is that? Is that a scented candle?

What's that? Sea salted papaya?

Is that... I'm so sorry.

-It's okay.

-So nice.

[Ellye] Ams, what is all this?

-We have presents for the baby.

-You already sent me so much for the shower.

You know what, I actually never will forgive you

for not coming to the shower.

-I know. I'm sorry.

I-- it was-- I-- They were-- I--

-They were-- they switched over

to a new electronic record system--

-Yes. -At the office,

and the IT guy was a clusterfuck.

-IT was-- -Oh!

Little ears. Sorry. -Oh.

-We're trying to watch our language around the baby.

It is sexing hard--

-It's impossible is what it is.

-But look, if I can quit drugs...

-One day at a time.

-...then I can sure as poop clean up my potty mouth.

-Yeah. -Yeah. It is a fun thing.

-[chuckles] -Presents. Presents.

Okay. -Let's go. Do it.

-[gasps] Aim!

-You remember when I used to read you Monkey Business ?

-Of course I remember.

-That's Monkey Business , so...

-That's very sweet.

-I should have asked if there was a theme.

-No, no, no, no.

It's so-- yeah, look. -[laughing]

-It's so sweet. -[Amy] Cute.

-Look how little it is.

-You can always-- you can return it.

-No, no, no. I love the book.

I have to have the book. And you know what?

I have a ton of showers coming up.

There's like so many people having babies, so.

[giggles] Okay, moving on. Put this here.

Amy. -[Amy chuckles softly]

-What--? Mom said that she lost this--

-She lost it to that black hole that was the garage,

but when they were doing the Oakland move,

they found it in a box with Grandma Evans' quilt.

-Did you find my wubbie?

-The rats kind of had their way with it,

but I'm sure they loved it... -It was gross.

-...as much as you. -What is that?

-Babe, it's my baby book.

-You were so mad at Mom for not finishing it,

I just like took whatever I could find

and I put it in there. -Aim, I can't-- I don't...

Come over here. I love you.

-[Kevin groans] [Jimmy] You okay, buddy?

-Oh, uh, pulled my back. Just a scooch.

-Oh, right? You know, we got a hot tub.

-Oh, uh, they're-- I love a hot tub.

-Ain't nothing like a hot tub party.

-Rain check that. -Okay.

-Oh, Bits, you're not supposed to eat soft cheeses.

-No, that's not soft cheeses, that's moldy cheeses.

-What do you think that white stuff on the outside is?

-The rind. -The-- the rind is mold.

-That is the mold.

-What? -[Kevin] Yeah.

Pregnant women should avoid soft cheeses like gorgonzola--

-Blue cheese or gorgonzola or brie--

[Ellye] Yeah, I know that.

-What-- what-- what does it do?

-Can cause listeriosis.

-I mean, there's a bacteria in it.

[Jimmy] What the fudge does that do?!

-Are you kidding me?

-It can travel through the placenta

and may induce a miscarriage, but you have to eat gobs--

[Amy] So much. You-- -Amy, I eat brie every day.

I love brie. You know I love brie.

What if I'm having a miscarriage right now?

-No, you're not having a miscarriage.

-Could this be a miscarriage? -[Jimmy] You're not having--

I mean, I'm a week early. -[Jimmy] Baby, baby.

-That's the thing. I'm a week early, babe!

-You're not having a miscarriage.

[Ellye] Are you a doctor? No.

So I could be having a miscarriage.

-You are not having a miscarriage.

You are fine. -If you ate wheels.

[Sara] Let's go. Let's go. I got you. Let's go.

-Brie has mold. I need a Doppler.

I wanna hear the baby's heartbeat.

I need to hear the baby's heartbeat right now.

[Amy] What do we do? We just-- we follow?

-[Jimmy] That's Sara. -[Kevin] Who's Sara?

-[Jimmy] Sara's our midwife. -[Sara] Okay. Ellye--

-I wanna hear the baby's heartbeat right now.

[Sara] There's nothing wrong

with your baby. -The only thing that's gonna

calm me down right now is if I hear the baby's heartbeat

so I'm gonna need you to do that for me right this second.

-Ellye-- -Okay?

You know what's so funny?

I've actually been doing everything right.

I've been doing everything right,

and he's been poisoning me with brie!

-That I-- -Oh god. [grunts] Oh god.

Oh, it's happening. -Okay. Twelve minutes.

Twelve minutes. Good. That's good.

-I want to hear my baby's heartbeat.

-Ellye. Ellye! Remember your training.

Feel your body opening up-- -Okay

to let this baby out. Okay? -Okay.

-The All-Mother inside you already knows how to do this.

-Am I supposed to be pushing right now?

Oh, god! [screaming]

[screaming] Oh, god!

-We're gonna miss it. We're gonna miss it.

Come on.

-Oh, god! -[Sara] Breathe, Ellye. Come on.

-[doorbell ringing] -I'm gonna get the front door.

-Okay. -[Sara] Welcome the pain.

Ride the pain.

-Hey! Oh, good.

-Has the baby happened? -Not yet. Not yet.

-How's she doing? -She's good. She's bold.

-Bitsy! Mommy's here.

[Ellye] Aaaahh!

-Ah.

Jimmy, what are you doing?

-Rubbing the nipples releases oxytocin. Sara?

-Hi. You must be her mother.

-Keep going. -I'm Sara, the midwife.

-[Ellye breathing heavily] -You know what, uh...

Hi, sweetheart. Pardon me.

She likes Swedish massage. Let me just...

-Hey, Ma. Oh, god. -Yes. I'm here.

I'm here. I'm here.

I bought some Midol for you. It's in my purse.

Gary, get me my purse!

-No, Mom. That's not part of the birth plan.

Oh, my god!

-Angel, sshhh.

The whole neighborhood can hear you.

-Ellye? Take hold of your womanhood.

Okay? Use your power.

-Okay. -[Jimmy] You can do this.

You can do this. Let's go. Grab it.

-[moans] -Get it.

-[moaning]

-Hi. Whoa!

-[Gary] I'll go-- go unpack now. -[Kevin] Let's go. Let's go.

You okay? -[Ellye moaning]

-[Jimmy] Yes, yes. -[Sara] Just like we practiced.

[Ellye moans]

-[shrieks] -[Jimmy laughs]

-All-Mother is smiling with you.

-I'm so proud of you. -[both moaning]

-I did it.

-[both laughing] -[Sara] Very good, Ellye.

-I did it.

-Now you can hear.

[fetal heart beating]

-Hear that?

-Oh.

[Amy] Is that the heartbeat?

-There you are.

[Sara] Welcome to the birth of Ellye and Jimmy's child.

My job is to make sure

one person's needs are taken care of.

And that is Ellye.

Your job is to create a calm space, a loving space,

where we all work together to--

-Hi.

-Gary. Hi.

-Hi, Bitsy.

-Hi. I'm so glad you're here.

-Of course. Mommy made me stop

to get some of your favorite things.

I got your brie.

-Oh. Oh, she can't actually eat that.

The brie. -[Linda] Says who?

-Um, doctors and things. It causes listeriosis, so--

-Throw it out. -What?

[Amy] No. We don't need to throw it out.

We will all eat the brie. It's fine, Mom.

-Oh, we're gonna have Bitsy watch us

eat her favorite food and not have any?

No, no. I cannot enjoy myself that way.

Throw it out.

-I'm not throwing it out. -[Sara] As I was saying,

we all need to work together

to create a serene, peaceful environment.

That means no fighting.

Nothing that's going to disrupt the flow of this--

[Howard] Hello!

-Daddy! -[both laughing]

-Oh, I can't believe...

-I got your favorites also.

[Howard] ...this gorgeous creature came from me.

[Ellye] You're gorgeous.

-Hey, Jimmy.

-Good to see you.

-Jimmy. Kevin. Oh.

-Bud.

-Come on. Come on.

-Hi, Daddy. Hi.

-I'm Howard Evans. Father. Grandfather.

As they say in Soweto, Great Father.

It's-- it's a little presumptuous,

but I don't know. It's got a good ring to it.

You must be the midwife. -I am.

-Well, it is an honor to hold hands

that have brought life into this world.

Although I have brought clean water

to several villages in Uganda,

and there, as we know, water is life, so.

-Mm. -Yeah.

-Life. Yes.

-All right.

-As I was saying-- -Oh, and I-- I-- I'm sorry.

If I could just recite a Bantu prayer for childbirth

that I came across on a National Geographic shoot.

-Why not? -All right.

"Gently. Smoothly.

Bless this child and make him..."

wait, do we know the gender?

-No. -No.

-"Bless this child and make him or her live and grow.

"May his or her perspiration be good.

"Make this child be rich,

"so that when we come to visit, he or she can kill an ox for us.

"May this baby trample on its enemies.

"May he or she drink water wherever they go,

and let that water make him or her... happy."

[Ellye] Thanks, Dad.

-As you were saying--?

-Thank you.

Obviously, some of you have experienced birth firsthand.

But, for those of you who haven't,

it is the most intense experience

a woman will ever go through.

Now I'm sure you've seen movies where women scream in pain.

But, the truth is, a laboring woman sounds a lot

like a woman in the grip of a full-body orgasm.

-Oh, please.

-Mom! You promised.

-Is it so strange?

The baby's head stimulates the same parts of the vagina

that are stimulated in sex.

-The feeling I had was definitely not orgasmic.

-Oh, that's not your fault.

Your generation was the first to experience

the baby-industrial complex.

How could you get in touch with an orgasmic birth

with your legs up in the air

and your lower body numbed by an unnecessary epidural?

-This one was a breach.

This one tore straight through me.

I had to have seven stitches.

Thank goodness I was in a hospital.

-I had a kidney stone once.

It was-- it was only yay big, but hurt like the devil.

-Well, on a practical level,

orgasms release serotonin and oxytocin,

which are natural painkillers.

-Yes. And given my history,

I'll take the natural high, thank you very much.

-Bitsy, we love you so much.

We are all here to support your choices.

But could you maybe like give us a little heads up

when you're gonna, you know, do that part?

-And I think on that note,

how much of the "down there" do you want me to film?

-Well-- -Excuse me?

-Oh, Daddy's gonna film the birth.

-[whispers] Do you really want your father

to film your girly parts?

-I wiped her off down there when she was a baby.

-Hardly.

-I'm going to be focused on getting this baby out

and I want to relive this moment with my child

so they know how hard I worked to bring them into the world.

-No child should ever see that.

-Sweetheart, I can be on your face

and I pan down when the baby comes out.

-No, no, no, no.

I want to see the head coming out of me.

-Oh. -Oh, speaking of,

I need to borrow Amy.

Come on, Aims. -Wait, speaking of what?

-Uh, have fun.

-Okay, just please, please,

please do not break your water right now. Okay?

-[laughs] -No, don't...

-You're the best. -I'm not kidding.

I wouldn't be able to handle it.

-Stop. I'm gonna pee.

-No, that's worse. I think. I don't even know.

So, what is with this whole orgasmic birth thing?

-[sighs] I want the drugs, trust me.

But I made a promise to myself and my baby to stay clean.

So if an orgasm can dull the pain,

I'm gonna rub this one all the way out.

-I don't know.

I've never heard any of my friends say, like,

"Oh yeah, I got off during my delivery."

-That buzzer's actually starting to feel pretty good,

if I do say so. -Bitsy!

-I feel like I should be holding your face

in my hands, like, -No, do not touch me.

-"Come on, baby." -That's so gross. Stop it.

-[laughs]

[Kevin] Oh, cheese board. Yum.

What do you think they're doing?

-I don't know.

But whatever it is, it's bound to be hashtag-blessed.

-What's that mean?

-She's on this kick where she writes hashtag-blessed

after every post, so it's like, uh...

"Sunset in Malibu: Hashtag-blessed."

-Oh, okay.

-Um, "Honey lavender ice cream: Hashtag-blessed."

-Sure.

-"Just took the biggest dump of my life:

Hashtag-blessed."

-Oh, that's a bit much.

[phone dings]

-What's haps?

-Huh? -What is going on?

-Nothing, it's just the baby's gonna come

when the baby's gonna come.

But you think it cares that tomorrow's the Emmys?

-Yeah. You take the--

you do the television Emmys? You work that?

-Are you serious? Yeah.

It's the biggest night of the year for me.

I got all 20 limos out, including the Pimpmobile.

-Are you telling me right now

that you drive celebrities around?

-Oh, I don't want to rush you but we've got like,

five minutes till the next contraction, so.

-I'm sorry, there's-- there's a lot.

-Oh, come on, stop acting like

you've never seen a vagina before.

-I've never had eye contact with one before.

-Hello. [laughs] -[Amy] Stop it. [chuckles]

[Jimmy] Two weeks ago,

I drove Machine Gun Kelly to Bed Bath and Beyond.

I drove, uh, Nicki Minaj to the DMV.

-[laughs] -I drove Beyoncé to Taco Bell.

-Okay. I'm gonna ask you a question

and I need you to answer it straight up.

-You got it.

-Crunch wrap or no crunch wrap?

-Burrito Supreme.

-Shut the-- OG Supreme? -Yeah. The classic.

-Shoot.

-Wait, wait, wait. Beyoncé?

-Yeah.

-Oh, I love that "Bootylicious."

-Who doesn't love the "Bootylicious," Gary?

-She can jelly my donut anytime.

-Okay. [laughs]

-[electric razor whirring] -And what about, um, names?

-Yeah. We have a boy name.

And then we have two names for girls.

I just, I feel like I need to meet them first, you know,

and like get a vibe.

-Okay. Well, if you wanted some suggestions, you know,

I really like, uh, Clitora. -What?

-Or, um, Vulveeta.

-[Ellye] [laughs] Stop it. -Or, I don't know,

Labiana?

-Labiana?!

-[Amy] That's pretty. -That's actually really good.

Labiana Fergus, that sounds so regal, like an actress.

-Labiana Ferguson, you go to your room.

-Get your butt over here, Labi.

[phone pings]

-What do you think of that? -That's--

-Too much, right? -Wait, that's posted publicly?

-Yeah, this is-- this is online right now.

-Why?

-She's ready for her close-up, Mr. DeMille.

Ready for it.

Plus, tomorrow's also the deadline

for my fantasy football draft.

-Oh. -Yeah.

Do you play? You, you in a league?

-Me? I'm not currently. Have been. Will again.

-You should join mine. -[whispers] Sign me up.

-Yeah? -I'm ready for it.

-It's done. -Okay.

-You're in.

I traded three rounds for Saquon Barkley.

-Oh, that's such a good call, because he's so fast.

-[electric razor whirring] -Oh. [exhaling in pain]

-[Ellye] Amy! What the heck? -[Amy] Sorry.

Just-- just breathe.

-Oh, my god. She's bleeding.

-Mom. Yeah, sorry, that's my bad.

-Ellye, Ellye. Oh, gosh.

Ellye, you-- you need anything?

-[Linda] No. -[Gary] Band-Aid?

-Why don't you go and swim some laps?

-[straining] -No, no, no, no.

It's not time to push yet. -Ah, sex that poop!

This baby is coming right now. -You okay, baby?

[Sara] No. The baby's not fully descended.

Amy, rub her nipples. -Oh no, no, no, no.

-Grow up, Amy! -Rub 'em.

[Howard] I'm so happy to see you two working together.

-Dad!

-I need to be here.

-Baby. Baby. -Yeah.

-Mwah.

-Fuck it. Just the nipples. Just the nipples.

No. That's tearing me apart!

-I've got the tub. The tub. The tub.

-Oohhhhh.

-Move! -Do you need help?

[Sara] Ellye. Ellye. Grab hold of your womanhood.

-Nuh-uh. No, it hurts too bad.

[Sara] Amy, go run a bath. -Oh, yeah.

-Wait! I haven't cleaned it out yet.

-I have housekeepers, Mom! -But you knew I was coming.

-Oh, god! Get the fudge out of my way.

-Come on, darling. -[Ellye] Don't touch me, Mom!

-Okay, I'm sorry. -[Ellye] Mom!

[Sara] Ellye, you're fine. Just remember your breathing.

Remember your breathing, okay? You've done this.

[overlapping chattering]

-You're kidding, right? -[Sara] Okay?

-And cut.

[water splashing]

-Um...

I-- I just feel like we got off to a bad start.

All this orgasmic delivery business,

it just, it feels like one of Bitsy's fads.

You know, like the raw food Christmas

she made us go through. -[breathing deeply]

-[Linda chuckles]

It's not like you're gonna do a rain dance

to make her water break. [laughs] Right?

It's just that you...

you hear about babies dying from simple complications

because the mother insisted on a home birth.

It's just like Bitsy to make things difficult.

She always has to make it difficult.

She's like her father that way. I just really hope...

that you explained to her what a real delivery is like,

because Lord knows she won't listen to me.

[Howard] Not for lack of trying.

-Oh, man.

-Hasn't it been a while since her last contraction?

-This happens with first-time mothers.

Contractions are scary and fear inhibits the release of relaxin,

which helps open up the pelvis.

-Well, what happens if labor stops?

-We wait. There is no rush.

Her baby will come when it's ready.

-I am having this baby today. Okay?

Sara? -[Sara] Hm?

-Isn't there anything that we can do to speed things up?

-I always suggest sex.

You get contraction from an orgasm

and semen has prostaglandins, which ripen the cervix.

-Do you hear that? -Love puts it in,

love gets it out.

-Jimmy! It's showtime, babe.

-Jimmy? -[Jimmy] Huh?

-You make sure you give her a good strong orgasm, okay?

-[Linda gasps] -Damn straight.

-Come on, baby.

-I'm coming. I'm coming. Ssshhh.

Linda.

-What are you doing?

-You better grab a seat, get nice and cozy,

'cause Daddy about to sex your daughter real good.

-You're so stupid.

Come on. Let's go. Oh. Let's go. Yes.

-You like that? -Oh, it feels so good.

Oh, my god. [moans] I love you.

I love you so much. Oh, baby. Yeah.

-Baby, isn't the baby's head right, like,

right there? -Yeah.

-What is the soft spot called again?

-The, uh, the fontanelle.

-I don't know. What if he pokes that?

-Oh. -[Ellye] Oh, my god. Yeah.

-I would feel awful

if I lobotomized my baby with my dick.

-[Amy chuckles] -[Ellye and Jimmy moaning]

-No. No. -[Jimmy] Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you. -[clapping]

-[chuckles] Come on. -[clapping]

-What'd I miss?

[crickets chirping]

[phone beeps]

[message dings]

-Hey, Jimmy. -Hey.

-Is now a good time?

-Ah, yeah. -Fine.

-Yeah. -Ah...

[sighs]

Hey. -Hey.

-I'm glad that you and Ellye

had that moment to-- to... connect.

-I, uh, I'm sorry you heard that.

-You know, I don't know if you heard

that might be the last time for a while.

Yeah. At least a month.

-Yeah? -Longer if she tears.

-Okay. -Oh, oh, oh, oh.

When we had the girls, we went to Lamaze,

did the breathing, but nothing prepared us

for what it would be like once that baby came out.

I just want to impart some hard wisdom

that I learned from mistakes that I made.

-Thank you.

-Uh, we both know, like, sex is not just sex, right?

It's the connection. It's the intimacy.

She's going to be getting all that soon from the baby.

The last thing she's going to be wanting to think about is,

uh, [mumbles] down there. -Mm-hm. In this area.

-The good news-- most women say that

watching a man be a good father,

that is the most powerful aphrodisiac there is.

I missed out on all that.

Being on shoots and whatever.

-Oh, don't you-- -So don't you do that.

-I won't. I promise.

-Now, let's talk about your self-care.

-We don't have to. -Your release, uh...

-We don't...

-Fortunately, there's the internet.

You don't need some secret stash of...

-We're doing it. Okay. -...of magazines and videos.

And you know, Ellye shouldn't have a problem with that.

I mean, come on. She stayed at my place.

She watched the videos. Yeah. I know that for a fact,

because she never rewound them to the right spot. Right?

-[sighs deeply]

-I just wanted to tell you I am here for you.

-Thank you. -Man to man.

-Man to man. -Father to father.

As they say in Swahili, baba to baba.

-Yeah. You went Swahili on me. [laughs]

-Come here. -Look at that.

You okay? You okay? -Yeah.

[door opens, closes]

-What the fuck was that?

[Sara] Still only three centimeters,

and it's been 50 minutes since your last contraction.

So, I'm gonna take off.

-What do you mean, you're gonna take off?

-If your contractions start up again,

I'm only 20 minutes away.

-No. I really don't think it's a good idea.

I think you need to stay here because I mean,

it could change at any second. -Ellye? Ellye.

It's all perfectly normal. Okay?

The All-Mother inside you knows

when this baby's supposed to be here,

and we can't rush her. Okay?

Now just try to relax. Enjoy your family.

I'll be back.

[crickets chirping]

-Ugh, I want food.

-We are eating soon, right?

-Yes. I want it in my body.

-I'm worried we're gonna have to cook.

I don't know. -No.

-'Cause my stomach is mining itself for trace nutrients.

-[scoffs]

-What's that?

-[reading] "Stolen from Martha Evans."

Who is that? Oh, your grandma?

-Towards the end, when she was getting sick,

she thought that everyone was stealing from her,

so she wrote "Stolen from Martha Evans"

on the bottom of everything she owned.

-Salty. Your mom stole it?

[Amy] Mm-hm. Oh, hey. -Hey.

-I don't remember, uh, seeing this

when we were cleaning out the garage.

-Oh, she must have given that to Ellye

before she passed.

-What teenager wants a vase?

-[scoffs] Your father wanted to give away

all of his mother's things

to one of his godforsaken charities.

The only reason you two have anything...

-[doorbell rings] -...is because Gary

went to the house

and brought everything back to our garage.

You're welcome. -[doorbell rings]

[door closes]

-Hey, here's your, uh-- -Where are you going?

-Well, Ellye's body is taking a break.

Maybe the rest of you should as well.

-[man] Uh... -Watch a movie,

and try to enjoy each other's company.

-Oh, so that's it? You're just clocking out now?

[Sara] Linda...

My job is to help her focus on the job of labor.

-I'll just put this down here. -Your job is to support her.

Instead, you've been layering on more and more stress.

-Oh, excuse me. So now I'm to blame?

-If I were you, I would be thankful

that Ellye wanted the woman who brought her into the world

to share this.

She doesn't need any of you here.

-Oh. -Try to remember that. Okay?

-[man] Have a good night. -Oh, god.

-I can just put these down anywhere.

It's not a big deal.

-Gary, tip this guy. -It's included.

-Indeed it is. Have a good night, sir. Thank you.

[door closes]

-[giggling]

-[Ellye stomping]

-Mom, what is so funny about Ellye stopping labor?

-There's nothing funny.

[reading] "Poor baby stopped labor.

Lots of love."

-No, Mom. LOL means laugh out loud.

-Mom! What the fudge is this?

-God. Oh, god. I don't know how to do this.

Oh, my god. How do I get out of here now?

How do I get rid of it?

Will you stop walking back and forth?

You're gonna-- you're gonna trip and have a miscarriage.

[Amy and Ellye] Mom!

-All right, everybody,

who wants to see some home movies?

-I do. I do. -Oh, yes!

-Got lots of good memories here.

-Oh, that's because you only took the camera out

for holidays and birthdays.

-Look, we don't have to watch this.

[Amy] No. Yes, Daddy. We do.

Let's do it. Come on. -Let's go. Let's go watch.

-Ellye, let's go. Mom.

-Delete that. -I don't know how.

Oh, god.

[Linda] Oh, look at that, Amy.

-[Amy] I'm very studious. -[Kevin] That's so cute.

[Howard] I always made you read.

-[gasps] Oh, my-- that's my Missis Bixby!

-No, that's my Missis Bixby.

-Uh, no. It is not. That's my Missis Bixby and see?

That's the dress that Mom made for it.

-Your sister's right. I remember making that dress.

-Yes. You made that dress when I went away to summer camp

because you thought when I came back,

if the doll looked different, I wouldn't think it was mine.

-You had outgrown that doll.

-It was still my doll. -Are you kidding me?

Missis Bixby was a hand-me-down? -[Amy] Yes!

-Mom! -Girls. Girls.

-That is savage. I loved that doll.

-Oh, my god.

[Howard] Hey, girls, there's your Grandpa Evans.

[all] Aw.

-He was such a good man.

-He was so sweet. -Yeah.

[Amy] What?

[Linda] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Stop it! Stop it! -[Amy] Mom?

-Stop it! Stop it! -[Jimmy] Don't stop it.

-[Jimmy] God. -[Amy] Mom!

-[Howard laughs] -[Ellye] Dad, you are so...

-[Amy] Mom! -[Ellye] Mom!

-I assume we're all getting a copy of this for Christmas?

[Linda] Seriously!

-[Amy] That is my mother. -[Jimmy] Your mom's fine.

-I will take the crack for you.

You have been dealing with my family.

I will sleep against the wall. -Oh, that's an unfair trade.

That's a Pilgrim-style trade. -[Amy chuckles]

[Jimmy] Kevin. -Hm?

-It's time. -Time?

-Hot tub time. It's hot tub time.

-Oh my god. That sounds so delightful but I can't.

-Yes, you can.

-No.

-[whispering] Ask him about the name.

-I-- I can't 'cause I don't--

I don't have my swim trunks. Don't have my gear.

I want to.

-All right, don't trip.

I'll let you borrow a pair of mine.

[Kevin] Oh. -Yeah, I got you.

-I never trip but, uh-- [mouths] Fuck.

-Have fun.

-Boiling water and a shredded penis.

-[Jimmy] Get in the water. -[Kevin] Oh, I'm getting in.

-Do it. -I'm gonna do it.

-Here we go. -I'm gonna...

-Yes. Yes! -Haaaaaahhhh!

Oh, yes. It feels so good. -Yeah, it does.

-It feels so soothing.

Oh, I'm grateful for this-- this time.

-Man, I'm glad you are here with me.

Can I get something off my chest?

-I would-- I would be sad if you didn't.

-Fuck. Shit. Ass. Dick.

-Uh-huh. -Pussy. Fucker.

Motherfucker. Shit ass plot. [laughs]

-That felt good for me, too.

-Feels good. That's much better.

-[moans]

-I gotta be honest. I don't know what Ellye's

more stressed out about,

you coming or the baby coming.

-Uh, sure. -And when I say you,

I don't-- I don't mean you you. I mean--

-Oh, no. I know. Me.

I've been dealing with all this for seven years, man.

It's tense.

-What the fuck is up with this china?

-The china.

-Why don't you guys take the china?

-I'm not gonna take the china. -Please take the china.

-I will not take the china. -I want to give you the china.

-I want to push the china back in your face

and let you guys deal with that shit.

I actually think if Linda wasn't around,

the girls would be better friends.

-Fat chance on that now that she's moving here.

-Whoa.

-I didn't say that. You didn't hear me.

Look, do me a favor. Do not tell Amy.

-Come on. -I know.

-I do have to tell her. You know this.

-Yeah.

Well, I wasn't planning on having sex anytime soon

due to the birth of my child, so.

-We're good. -You got some names picked out?

-Don't do that. -[snickers]

-[laughs] Fuckin' A. What the fuck.

-It's so obvious. She made me ask.

-I know she did. I can't tell you.

-She wants to know so bad. -I want to tell you,

but I fucking can't tell you.

And she's just so afraid somebody's gonna criticize

the baby's name or steal it.

-Oh, really? She's worried about that shit?

-She's worried. I'm not worried about that shit.

-Well, I couldn't find my bathing suit on the 'Bago

but we're all family here, right?

-Sure. -Oh.

-That's twice in one day.

-I'm sorry. -[Kevin groans]

-You okay? -Yeah, I'm okay.

And while you're down there, do you want to...?

-Ha-ha-ha. Very funny.

-I'm just looking for a joke somewhere.

-Okay. Oh. Oof. Okay, so? -Oh, yes. Okay.

So yes, they have picked some names out.

But Jimmy said Ellye doesn't want to share them

because she's worried people will criticize or steal them.

-She's worried someone will steal it?

-[gasps] Yes. -I'm sorry. I am sorry.

-I know. And there's one more thing, um...

-Yeah?

-...that I need to share with you.

It's that your mom and Gary are gonna move here.

Watch it, please.

-What? -[Kevin] Ginger, I know.

-Goddamn. -It's bullshit.

-You know they would never do that for us.

-Of course not. -[Amy] Oh, no.

Only for Bitsy. Bitsy's the baby. God-- mother--

-Oh, you gonna go now? Okay. Um, I got this.

[tense music playing]

[knocks on door]

-My glaucoma is really acting up.

Thank you.

I'm sorry that Mom freaked out about the movie.

[lighter clicks]

-[chuckles] I'm so used to playing the villain by now.

-Well, I loved seeing the old house.

-Yeah. -And my old room.

-I know. -Dad.

-I'm so glad somebody's got some good memories.

Gosh, you are a tangle of knots.

-I wonder why.

-You cannot keep this stuff bottled up.

-I know. But come on, if I tell her,

she's gonna make it all about her.

That's what she always does.

Where do you think Bitsy gets it from?

-You know, the Yoruba tribe had this expression:

"Keeping silent is an attribute of the dead."

[clicks tongue]

Might be the Kikuyu tribe.

-I can't get that image out of my brain.

-I know. And if I'd known

that that was laying around, I would have--

I would have gotten it in the divorce and--

and I would have burned it.

I absolutely would not want to know

what you were doing before we were together.

For real.

-Who can remember?

-[laughs]

-I think I had sex in an airplane bathroom once.

-I hope it was first class.

-Coach. Impossible to maneuver.

-I wish I had met you first...

You know... you had a similar view,

but many more times than Howard.

-How about an instant replay?

-[laughs]

-Hi. -[Amy] Hi.

What are you working on?

-Uh, a fantasy football thing.

Jimmy asked me to--

what are you working on, little sauce packet?

What's happening? -You don't like football.

-I know. But he loves it.

I need something to talk to him about

when we come here every fucking holiday.

This house. That painting. -Oh.

-This is our Thanksgiving from now on, baby.

-Well, I've been thinking

that this has been so hard on you.

Um, how about if I go hard on you? Hm?

-Lemme just-- lemme just...

let me try to get this right.

-[giggles]

-You're offering to go hard on me.

-Mm-hm. With all this. -Wait, all-- with this?

-I mean, this.

-These jammies? -This.

This. -These Tar-jay jammies?

-Oh, my Tar-jay jammies, yeah.

-I want to tear 'em apart, but Dr. Tamblyn told me

I can't do any vigorous or strenuous exercise

because I'll will tear open my ball stitches.

-Ohhh.

-And you know I bring the vigor and strain when I...

-You really do. -...when I bring anything.

-[giggles]

[Amy moaning]

-[Linda grunting]

-Oh, poor Ellye.

-Oh, god.

-[Linda moaning]

-Oh, god. -What?

-[Linda] Don't stop. -That's not Ellye.

-Stop that. -Oh, god.

-They should stop doing that. -No, no, no, no, no, no.

-They should stop do-- you should stop doing that.

-No, no, no, no, no.

-Ugh. Jimmy! -[Jimmy] Yeah.

-Can I get a fresh roll?

-[Linda moaning]

-Is that Amy?

-[Linda and Gary moaning]

-Your mom.

You guys kind of sound alike.

-Get out of here.

[door closes]

-It's like I'm 12 all over again.

They used to do this all the time

when they first started dating.

They didn't even wait until I fell asleep.

-That's terrible. -Yes.

-I think we're the only people in this house

not having sex.

-Well, and my dad.

[Russian porn dialogs]

[Howard] No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Oh, this stupid buffering.

-[snoring]

-[snoring]

-[owl hooting] -[dog barking]

-Ugh.

["Somebody New" by Broken Bellows playing]

-Wow. [laughs] Great.

-Hi. Good morning.

-Good morning. -Hi.

-Ooh. Did someone make bacon?

-You mean, aside from Mom and Gary?

-Deee-ammn!

-So gross.

-You two can sneak off anytime.

Your eggs aren't going to last forever, you know.

-Hey, you want some pancakes?

-Yes. So... any progress?

-Mm. Baby kicked a lot.

-Oh, damn.

-[into phone] No, no, no, I get that there's a problem

but I just don't understand how it's my problem.

-[Howard groaning]

Well! Today's the big day, huh?

-[blows raspberry]

-I hope everybody slept well.

-You know, some less than others actually.

Right, Mom?

-[laughs]

-All right now. -Mm.

-Let's bow our heads in prayer.

-Yeah.

-Okay? Here we go, y'all. Grace time.

Father, God, who art in heaven,

we are so blessed to have our family here together

to celebrate this blessed event.

Thank you so much for keeping us strong

on this path of sobriety all these months.

-Ten months and counting, baby.

-Ten months. One day at a time.

I know we ask for a lot and we are very grateful,

but if you could just give our baby a little push...

-[Amy chuckles]

-There are seven individuals right here at this table

who are eager to meet him or her.

And with that, we praise your name. Amen.

-Amen.

-[exhales] So beautiful, baby.

Looks great.

-Mm. Smells so good.

-Oh. [groans]

[Ellye groaning]

Oh, sorry. I'm just... I'm just gassy.

-So, Gary, how's the remodel going?

-[groans] Oh, you know, it is what it is.

Ugh, I'll tell you one thing, though,

the guy we bought that house from at Yahoo,

he screwed it up but good.

He-- he used interior caulk for exterior pipes.

I had to run all of the caulk out of the house.

I called the insurance company.

They went right to the sewer line.

And-- and it was caulk coming out everywhere.

-Call-ck. -What?

-Call-ck. Call-ck. -[Gary] That's what I said.

Anyway, I-- I-- I had to pull out all of the caulk

and install all new cock-eyed caulk coming out of my ears.

-God.

-That is such a shame, Gary.

No, that is a shame. That's awful.

-It is.

-And that's really tough, honestly.

-I mean, you have to put all that money in.

You-- you got to do the work. I mean, it's your dream house.

You guys are gonna live there for the rest of your lives.

-[whispers] Baby.

-Oh, I don't know. Priorities shift.

-Clearly. You don't even have a house.

-That is not true.

-[laughs]

-Like the turtle or the snail, I live in my home.

And if I want to be closer to my kids,

I just gas up the 'Bago and...

-We're so happy you're here, Daddy.

-Thank you.

-Who wants a mimosa? Hm?

I can't be the only one here who wants a goddamn drink.

-[Ellye] Mom. -What?

-You can't drink in my house. I mean...

-[chuckles] Okay, fine.

We'll serve it poolside. Come on. Cheers.

[cork pops]

[indistinct chattering]

- ...okay? We're gonna-- we're gonna [indistinct] this.

And you're gonna talk to them. I'm not gonna say--

-Hi. Um, just, how long do you guys,

uh, want us to wait around for things to, you know, happen?

-Don't tell me you're thinking of leaving?

What if you're on a plane and Bitsy goes into labor?

Why don't you take a vacation week?

-No, we can't actually. They're all accounted for.

-I didn't travel until you girls were teens.

It must be great not to have kids to cramp your style.

-I'm curious, Mom. Would you, um, ask Bitsy

to miss a photoshoot for my delivery?

-Oh, come on. It's not the same thing.

-No, of course. It's not the same,

which is why you guys are moving here

so you can help out your widdle baby

and your grandbabykins.

-Bitsy is going to need all the help she can get

with childcare.

When she went into rehab, she lost a lot of contracts.

And now, she has to reenter the world

and reclaim herself as a supermodel.

-She's not a supermodel. She's a supersized model.

-Amy, that's a terrible thing to say.

You're better than that.

-She can be when she wants to be.

[chuckles] Okay.

If nothing's happening by tomorrow, you can leave.

-I wasn't asking for permission.

-Uh...

-Hm. God.

[doorbell rings]

[Calliope] No, no, no. Stop, stop.

No, no. Stop, stop. Don't--

-Hi. -Hi.

Oh, my god.

You are the one who shaved Ellye's vajayjay.

-Oh, yeah. That's me.

-Hi. I brought cupcakes. -Hi.

-Whuzzup, slut?

-[Calliope] Hi. -Oh, my god.

What are you doing here?

I didn't know you were gonna come.

Oh, my god. Hello, little one.

Oh, my god. He's so cute.

He's so big.

-I know. He's a giant.

-Amy, isn't he so sweet?

Hello. -Do you wanna hold him?

-Oh, no.

-So I don't want to take up too much of your time.

He's teething, he's a total savage,

and all he wants are titties.

-Give him the titties. -Yeah?

-Yes, nurse him here. Let's go. Ah, yeah.

There's a glider in the baby room.

It'll be, it's-- it's perfect.

Jimmy. Jimmy, we need some water.

Please. There's a nursing woman in the house.

-I know. -[baby] Da-da.

-Da-da. -I'm Mama, okay?

Stop being so rude.

-[giggles]

-I'm just gonna, if it's okay with you,

just take a little nap, and like, once I fall asleep,

just put a pillow over my head

and take me out of my misery, okay?

[Ellye] [over baby monitor] Okay.

[Calliope] Oh, my god.

And like when he finishes? I'm so dehydrated that my tits,

they just look like little sad raisins.

-It's a show. -[Ellye] Oh, no.

-We're listening to this? -Yeah.

[Ellye] Oh, don't worry about it.

Ronny will buy you new ones. - [Calliope] Oh, right.

Fuck yeah, he will. I put it in the prenup.

-Oh, good girl. That's my girl.

-So have you thought about like, maybe getting induced?

I know it's a bad word. I know.

-No. I sleepwalked through my 20s, Callie.

I barely remember them.

For this, I... I really want to be present.

I just want to feel everything.

-Oh, that is so sweet. And just like super wrong.

It hurts so bad, girl. -Okay. Okay.

-I know I'm supposed to only say nice things, right?

-Yeah, you're supposed to tell me I can do it.

-You can do it. -It's gonna be great.

-You're gonna be great. It's gonna be amazing.

And you need no drugs. You just need orgasms.

And speaking of which,

have you heard of a Sybian machine?

-No.

-It's like, it's like a vibrator.

But it's got this thing in the center.

You straddle it like a bucking bronco

or more like a fucking bronco.

-No. -Yeah.

-I don't know. Jimmy and I tried sex

and it didn't really do anything.

-No offense to Jimmy,

but what man can compete with a vibrator?

-This guy. This guy.

-I can compete, and I win against vibrators.

-So how is it having everybody here?

Your sister? -[gasps] It's me.

-[Calliope] She seems nice. -[Ellye] Yeah.

[Calliope] Like what's her deal?

Does she not want kids?

-She doesn't really talk about it.

-[Calliope] Yeah. -I--I think she wants kids.

-I mean, she looked at me

like I was like the evil wicked witch

when I asked her if she wanted to hold him, right?

I mean, like what-- -[Ellye] That was weird.

-person doesn't want to hold a cute baby?

-[Ellye] I know. -[Kevin] Okay, let's just--

[Ellye] I can't really get a read on her, honestly.

She definitely does not have a maternal vibe.

[Calliope] Yeah.

[Ellye] You know, maybe she'll be a really good aunt.

She can just swoop in, spoil the crap out of him,

and then peace-- -All right.

-No. -No, I'm just gonna turn it off.

-Hon. -Babe. We're gonna tell them.

-No, because she's gonna think

that we're trying to upstage her.

Please don't. Please.

-Upstage?

-Shit. Damn it.

Shit. -Hey, Linda.

I think it's time we have a talk.

-[water splashes] -[Linda] Oh!

-[mumbling under water]

-What's happening? What's he doing?

What--what's wrong?

[Gary] I think he's drowning.

[Linda] What?

[Jimmy] Yeah. -He's saying something.

-[mumbling under water]

[Linda] Wait a second.

-I might have to call you back.

-He just did something really rude under there.

Okay, hold on.

-[mumbling under water]

-Hey, are you two fighting?

-It's nothing. Don't worry about it.

-Well, worrying is what a mother does.

Well, you'd find out if you had kids.

-Well, I can't.

-What do you mean you can't? -She can't get pregnant.

-How do you know?

-Linda, she told me because she knew

I would listen and not try to fix it.

-That's you in a nutshell.

-Yeah, that is me in a nutshell.

-Um, I'm sorry.

I thought that I could do this, but I can't.

-Wh... what's going on?

-Bits, um, I love you.

And I really, I want to be here for you.

But, uh, I just can't even look at you

without feeling like a failure, so, um...

-Trust me, it looks really glamorous,

but you wouldn't want to be a model.

-Sweetie, your sister can't get pregnant.

-I don't see how you could get pregnant

with your husband on the road--

-Don't you talk about Kevin. You don't get to do that.

Don't you dare.

He has jerked off into cups and he got his blood drawn

and he took out a second mortgage on the house

all because I wanted to have a baby, myself, in me...

but...

I... I can't.

I've, um... I've had seven miscarriages.

-Oh.

-Yeah, seven.

And um, each time, I would feel so hopeful,

you know, and--and then it was just...

it was just over and I felt so broken and betrayed

by my body and--and-- and uncomfortable in my skin

and it got to a point where

I didn't even want him to touch me

and I said to him that i--i-- if he wanted to get a divorce,

I would totally understand it, and do you know what he did?

Do you know?

[door sliding]

Do you know what this good man did?

He got a vasectomy because he said

that he didn't want to have kids if it wasn't with me.

So you don't get to talk about him.

Are you okay? -Hey... hey.

[Amy cries]

-I'm-- I'm just gonna go.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-I'll call you. -Yeah.

[distant dog barking]

[Amy] Hm?

-Hi.

-Hi.

-I'm so sorry.

I just, I had no idea.

-I know.

-Why didn't you tell me?

-I just, um, I didn't want it to be true.

-God.

-Yeah.

-Do you want to see your niece?

-What?

Who is that?

-It's our baby.

-No. -Yeah.

-You're adopting? -[Amy] We are.

-Oh, my god. Amy!

Oh, my god...

I'm gonna be an auntie.

Kevin. Do they know?

Do they know? -No. No one knows.

-Everybody, get in here!

-They're gonna know it now. -Mm-hm. They're gonna know.

-Kevin and Amy are adopting!

-[Linda] What? -[Jimmy] What?!

-[Ellye] Yes! -[Howard] Hey!

-Come on. -[Howard] Hey.

-Come on. Gotta get it done somehow.

-I'd do it.

-Yeah. It's actually,

um, why we couldn't stay the whole week because we're,

um, banking our vacation days because in India--

-India?

-Yeah. Even after you get the baby,

you have to stay for a couple of weeks.

-India?! -[Amy] Yeah.

[Ellye] You are gonna love India.

Oh, my god.

Okay, you have to go to the Taj Mahal.

That's a given. And then--

oh, there's this great place to stay,

the Leela Palace Udaipur.

They have tons of weddings there, so crash one.

Remember Nick

and Priyanka's wedding? -Babe. Babe. Babe.

-Bits, it's not that kind of trip.

-Howard! We're gonna be double Pop Pop.

-Yeah!

[laughter]

-I love you, kid. -Pop Pop Pop Pop.

-From the moment I met you, like you were mine,

but--I mean, you never called me Dad

but I never minded.

[Linda] She looks like you. She's so sweet.

-[whispers] I gotta talk to you.

-Be right back.

[Amy] She's so cute.

-[Ellye] What's going on? -Okay. You know I love you.

-[chuckles] Just-- just tell me.

-You mean everything to me.

-Mm-hm.

-I gotta go into work and drive Guy Fieri.

-[scoffs] Are you kidding me?

-No, I'm not kidding you.

And I don't want to do it, but it's--

-Then don't. -Hector broke his wrist

and Big John went to the game last night

and I told him not to eat the fudging street dogs

and that muffin-farming, cork-sucking--

-I really need you here. -I can't.

-With me, okay?

I'm literally having our baby right now.

Do you understand that? -Well...

But are you right now... doing it, like, right now?

We're not in a labor pattern right now.

It's kind of like we pushed pause--

-This is fucking great.

-Baby ears.

[Kevin] [into phone] Messina.

That's M-E-S-S-I-N-A.

Yeah, I understand about the fee.

But we do want to switch the tickets to today, please.

-You're-- you're not leaving today.

-I'm so sorry, Ellye.

I have a trade show that I have to prep for.

We'll be back in a week.

If the baby comes sooner, Amy'll take an earlier flight.

[into phone] Okay, is that LA or Denver?

Yes, we will take those two. Can I use miles

for any of that, please? -[doorbell rings]

[Kevin] [into phone] Oh, that's great.

All right. Yeah, I'll hold.

-Oh, hi. Everyone, Sara's here.

The midwife, she's back.

-How's our hot mama doing?

-Good. Good. Come in. Come in.

-Well, you're five centimeters and completely effaced.

The baby's in position. Everything seems ready.

-Uh, that looks like more than a little blood.

-It's okay. We call it bloody show.

-[laughs] Hey, baby.

It's a great name for a metal band, right?

-That means that I'm gonna go into labor

soon though, right?

-In the next few hours. Typically.

-How many hours are we talking here?

-We won't know until her contractions start up again.

-See, babe? Nothing to worry about.

Got all the time in the world.

All you do is you... mwah... you stay here [kisses]

looking as lovely as you do,

and just keep listening to your body.

Keep listening.

-Isn't there anything that you can do?

-Well, Ellye, you can go to a hospital

and get started on Pitocin if it's that important to you.

But, in your baby plan, you said you wanted

a natural, stress-free delivery.

-Yeah, this has been incredibly relaxing.

-How about I go make you some Ashwagandha tea?

[Amy] She's gonna be your grandbaby, too.

[Gary] Don't worry about it.

We can split our time between the two of you.

It's gotta be cheaper in Denver

and Ellye and Jimmy can certainly afford a nanny.

Kevin's on the road. [continues indistinctly]

[lively music plays]

[vibrator whirrs]

-Didn't Becky and Jonah's son adopt?

-Uh-huh. -Sweet kids. Smart, too.

-Oh, yeah. -Yeah, but it took them years.

[vibrator whirring]

-Found out that you can speed things up

if you're willing to take a child

with a medical condition,

and since we have really good insurance,

we decided to do that.

-Wh--wh--what kind of medical condition?

[vibrator whirring]

-Born with extra fingers. -Born with not enough fingers.

-Born without a hand. -Webbed fingers.

-[vibrator whirring] -[moaning]

-Club foot. -Cleft palette.

-Albinism. -Dwarfism.

-[vibrator whirring] -[moaning]

-Deaf from birth.

-Blind from birth. -Um, partially deaf.

-Partially blind.

-[vibrator whirring] -[moaning]

-Organs on the outside.

-Wait, organs on the out--outside?

-[vibrator whirring] -[moaning]

[moaning loudly]

-Organs on the outside.

-[vibrator whirring] -[moaning]

Oh, god. [panting]

-[phone ringing] -What happened?

-Okay. Looks like we're back in business.

-It's happening, baby, it's happening again.

[Sara] Hello? Yes.

Hey, no, no.

Sshhh. Baby, baby. Slow down.

-[Jimmy] Are you okay? -[Sara] I can't... what?

When? [Gary] Breathe. Breathe.

[Sara] Are you okay?

Okay. Thank god. -[Gary] Cold compress.

[Sara] And Daddy, is he--?

What?

Wh...?

[Gary] How about some water?

[Howard] Sweetheart, you're awfully backlit here.

Maybe we--can we just go to the other room?

You know, the light is much better there.

[Linda] You're okay. You're okay.

-My--my husband got hit

on his way to my daughter's soccer game.

-Oh my god, are you okay? -What?

-I don't know. I don't know.

He got t-boned on the driver's side.

[Amy] Oh, my god. Okay. Sit down.

-Sit, sit, sit.

-I'm gonna get-- I'm gonna get some water.

[water running in glass]

[Howard] Where did they take him?

[Sara] I don't know.

[Amy] Here you go.

-Kaiser, I think. I...

I have... I--I have to go.

-Uh, but, uh, well, Ellye needs you here.

-Her husband just had a car accident.

-It's a terrible tragedy.

But--but if it was a major accident,

he'd be in the operating room. And--

-Mom!

[Linda] I'm not a monster.

I'm just pointing out that you won't be able to see him.

And if it's a minor accident,

then your daughter is gonna with him.

So Ellye needs you here right now.

And she's paying you.

-Linda! Stop talking.

-Let me take you to the hospital.

-Okay. Thank you. -Yes, yes.

-[Ellye] Wait, what do I do? -Um, um...

I'll call the backup.

-Oh, now you say it.

[Ellye] Oh, my god. -Ellye, I'm sorry.

I, uh... you know, remember your training and your...

-Text me the number, Sara.

-Calm down. Don't worry. Don't worry.

We're gonna get a backup.

-Wait, wait, wait, wait, please,

before you go. Do you have a backup?

Oh, okay.

Oh.

Okay.

If you did that, that would be so amazing.

Oh my god. You sound so--hello?

Okay, uh, Sara's backup is in delivery right now

and the backup to the backup just went into labor

two weeks early, so we are fucked.

-Did you tell her it was an emergency?

[Jimmy] I--I--I said it was an emergency.

I did, Linda. I did.

But she did say that she would make a call

and find out if anybody is available

if she got another break.

But the way it sounds, she's gonna be swamped.

I don't see that happening anytime soon.

-Do your docs know any OBs?

-I--I work for dermatologists.

[Ellye] Jimmy, that is not part of our birth plan!

-Babe, I know. Okay? What would you have me do?

[Ellye] Find me a midwife. It's a big city.

[car door closes]

-Fuck.

[breathes deeply]

Siri, find a midwife near me.

[Siri] I found these results for find a midwife near me.

-Amy! -[Amy] Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

-Aims, can you come press on my back, please?

Press on my back. -I'm here. Yes, yes, yes.

I'm here. -This is me? I'm on this.

I'm on this.

-[groaning] Oh God. Yes. That's good.

[Kevin] You get her, I'll get you.

-Mommy. -Yes. Yes, doll.

-Can you, um, can you make me a roast beef sandwich

on the cute little Hawaiian roll, please?

-Oh, absolutely.

I'm so glad you're eating meat again.

-[Ellye] Yeah. -I just wish Amy would.

-Oh yeah, this is good.

-[laughing]

-My name's on the-- on the business...

So, you know, if you say my name, she's gonna be like,

"Well, what about us?"

Our name. Fuck it.

Yeah. Our name's on the business card,

even though it's my name on the fucking bills.

[phone message beeping]

Please, God, make this...

Fuck, yeah.

-Argh.

I bet it was from freezing off those vaginal warts.

[Ellye] Excuse me?

[Linda] When Amy came back from her sophomore year,

remember you went to Dr. Allen?

-What's your point?

-That's why you can't have kids.

-Oh, Jesus, Linda.

-Oh, it must be scorched earth down there.

-Christ, woman. -I'm sorry.

-I'm just saying, look, it--it can't be genetic.

That's all. -Oh, okay.

Well, there it is, guys.

-By the way, Bitsy, I've been very worried

about your body.

I mean, the junk you've put in it.

-Ugh. -Dad.

-But you had an amnio. So we're good.

-No amnio.

-What? Are you crazy?

Your Aunt Judy didn't have an amnio

and she had a baby born without a brain.

And she only smoked pot.

[both] Mom!

[phone message beeps]

-Baby! Baby!

-What's happening?

-What's going on?

-Babe, you gave your man a task

and he got it done, girl. I found a midwife.

[Ellye] Oh, my god.

-I found a midwife. Now open your legs.

-What are you doing? -I need to check

how many centimeters you're dilated. Let's go.

[Ellye] That's not how it works, baby.

You don't put up a ruler up there.

Just text her and tell her five centimeters.

[phone message beeps]

-What'd she say?

-[phone message beeps] -[reading] "On my way."

-We got a midwife. -I'm happy for you.

-We're back on track.

[grunting]

[doorbell rings]

Jimmy!!

-Hey!

Yo. Shit.

Um... hi, I'm--I--I'm Jimmy.

-Cheyenne. I'm your midwife.

-Babe!

Babe!

-[Ellye] Is it the midwife? -The midwife is here.

[Ellye] Oh, thank god. Okay.

Thank god. Um...

-Woo, look at you. Mm.

-Hi.

-Cheyenne. -The midwife?

-The midwife. -Yes.

-Amazing. Um, could you just give us...

could you give us a second?

-Sure, of course.

Take your time. Yeah. -Just one.

-I'm so sorry. One second.

-Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

-You said she.

-No, you know, um, when I think back,

I believe I said

they or them. -No, baby. No.

I said text her and you were like,

"Okay, I'm gonna text her right now."

-No, I didn't say her. I just got a text back.

-[Ellye] Baby. -[Jimmy] What?

[Ellye] It's mid wife !

-Midhusband sounds weird.

I can hear everything you're saying, so.

-Okay. Uh...

-What?! -Do you want me

to send him away? -Oh, my god.

Oh, I'm gonna kill you.

-No.

-Just let him in.

-Come right on in.

-Okay. Mm, beautiful space.

-Thank you. We were expecting a woman.

-Yeah. -Why, you don't think a man

can do as good a job as a woman? [laughs]

You know what? Let's start over again.

Let's just get rid of all of this negative energy, huh?

-[both] Okay. -Come on. Come together.

-Mm-hm. -Hands.

Hands Across America. -[both laugh]

-Now, let's meet this baby.

What do you say? Okay? -Yeah. Let's do it.

-Okay. -Um, it's just

right over here, sir.

We've set everything up and... -Okay.

-Hands.

-Looks just like Hands Across America.

-Hi, there. -Hello.

-This is my family.

-Oh, hello, family. My name is Cheyenne.

I'm the midwife. And, uh, yes, I am a man.

Good. Okay, we got that out of the way.

Are you filming? -[Howard] Yes. Is that okay?

-Absolutely, as long as you send me a copy

for my TikTok. [laughs]

Okay, why don't you take off your pants?

I mean, unless you'd like us all to get naked

so you don't feel so exposed? Right, family?

[Amy] Um, no.

-I have delivered plenty of babies in the nude.

Usually in a tub, but hey, I'm open.

-Okay. -No, no, no.

-Dad! No. -Howard.

[Ellye] Maybe just pants.

-Okay, just pants. Everyone?

-Oh, no. Um... oh, sorry.

I just meant, um, maybe just my pants.

-All right.

-[grunting]

[Amy] Are you okay?

-[Jimmy] Baby, baby, baby. -Oh, god!

-And so it begins. -Oh, it's a big one.

It's a really big one. -[Howard] Yeah. Oh, yes.

-Wait, should I take my pants off?

-Yes, take your pants off, by all means.

-[Ellye] Okay. Okay. -[Kevin] Oh.

-Okay, good. Now.

-[Linda] Over here. -[Kevin] What's he rubbing?

-[growls] Feel that? That's Reiki.

That's a transference of energy through touch.

-Ooohhh!

-Okay? I want you to take my energy in

and let it ooohhhhpen your birth canal.

-Ohhhhhhh.

-Ohhh. Open up the birth canal.

Rock your pelvis forward.

We want its little head to be right at the entrance.

Stretch that vagina out.

-Oh, no! It's too big.

I just don't know. It feels way too big.

It's not gonna come out!

-Ellye. That's such a beautiful name.

Okay. I want you to do something for me, okay?

I want you to look at your vagina.

-No. -Look at your vagina right now.

Admire it. Take it in.

There we go. Good.

Now, I know it's kind of scary.

You're thinking how does a human being

come out of this teeny-weeny little hole?

But guess what?

That's what vaginas were made for.

Am I right, Papa Bear? -You are absolutely right.

-Get your butt down here.

-Yes. -Okay.

You can look at her vagina too.

There you go. Yeah.

-Mm-hm. -Does it look all right?

Does it look okay? -It looks amazing, baby.

You have a very beautiful vagina.

-Oh, that's so sweet. Now, the two of you made love.

And I can think of no more pure connection

to the creative force of the universe than that. Okay?

Now, I don't know if you believe in a higher power or not,

but I truly believe that there is no more holy organ

than the vagina.

-Amen.

[Cheyenne] So what I want you to do now

is thank your vagina for the job it's about to undertake.

-Go ahead, baby.

-Hi. Thank you. [groans]

-Thank you who?

-Oh, sorry. Oh, thank you--

thank you, vagina.

-At the top of your lungs!

-Thank you, vagina! -Yes.

-Agghh! -You too, Pop Pops.

-[shouts] Thank you, vagina!

That's too loud? Sorry.

[whispers] Thank you, vagina.

-Oh. -Oh, we're through it.

-[laughs] -It worked.

-For now. For now.

Okay. Oh, um, have you been massaging your perineum?

-Excuse me?

-Have you ever run a marathon?

-I did a 5K.

-Hey, good job, sweetie. -Thanks.

-Would you ever consider doing that

without stretching first?

Believe me, you do not want a tear down there.

-For once, I agree with Granola.

[Cheyenne] Oh, and before I forget,

do you have any plans for the placenta?

-Meaning?

-Many people like to keep a portion of it,

plus the umbilical cord is a keepsake.

But there are health benefits to ingesting it.

[Kevin] I have seen bags of placenta crisps

at Whole Foods. -Eat the placenta?

-The Chagga people of Tanganyika

actually make a porridge out of it

and feed the old women of the family,

thus the circle of life.

[Cheyenne] Now I certainly understand your squeamishness,

but it has been clinically proven

to combat postpartum depression

and increase milk flow. -See?

-After you have birthed the placenta,

I will clean it, dry it out, turn it into a powder,

which you can ingest in capsule form

or sprinkle on a smoothie.

I have a recipe for a placenta truffles

that is to die for. [chuckles]

-Are you seriously going to let this Yeti

deliver your baby?

-Linda. -You're not helping.

-He came highly recommended.

-Uh, speaking of which, after the birth,

if you could leave me a positive review

on Google and Yelp.

That way, people can find me easier.

I mean, Craigslist is great,

but they don't really have a reviewing system.

-I'm sorry.

You found our midwife on Craigslist?

-Is that what he said?

-He said... -Right.

-Craigslist.

-It was Google. I thought Go--

-No. It was definitely Craigslist.

-Don't you... Thank you, Cheyenne.

-Jimmy? -It looks like, Cheyenne,

you got this all under control, right?

-[Linda] He's nuts. -Baby, I gotta go.

I'm so sorry. Mwah.

I love you. I love you so much.

-Are you...? -I got to. Sorry.

-Is--is he leaving-leaving?

-[Ellye] Jimmy. -Yeah.

[Kevin] He's not going anywhere.

-Jimmy, get back here right now.

-Babe, I gotta go.

-[Kevin] Oh, my god. Yes. -Jimmy.

[Linda] What's going on?

-You're really leaving me?

-Baby, I'm not leaving you. I'm just leaving the house.

-Is this the kind of father you're gonna be?

You're gonna go do the Oscars

when your kid is in a soccer tournament

or the Cowardly Lion in the school play?

-She'll never let go of it.

-It's our business. Our name is on the card.

-Yeah. -It's our reputation.

Please. You have to understand. -[Ellye] Oh, my god.

Jimmy, you think because you drive Kanye to Lakers games

that that makes you a badass motherfucker?

-Baby ears.

-When I get my contracts back, I could buy you out.

In fact, I will buy you out. That's what I'll do.

And then I'll fire you,

and you can stay home with the baby while I work.

How does that sound?

-It sounds like your pregnancy hormones

are going crazy.

-No, I feel very clear actually.

-Look, I'll be right back. It's not that.

I love you so much, all right?

-If you really loved me, you would fucking stay.

-Oh, my god, Bitsy. Go easy on him.

The only reason why you're even having contractions right now

is because you used a vibrator to start them.

-Actually, a vibrator can be very helpful

in relieving the pain of contractions.

-Thank you, Cheyenne.

I'm sorry I came, Amy. -Okay.

-There's a baby inside of me that I would like to come out.

-This is why I didn't want to talk about the adoption,

because she's just incapable of functioning

if it's not about her.

I mean, God forbid, it's about me for two seconds.

-Really?

-We didn't know anything about the adoption. We--

-Yes, you didn't know

because you never asked me about my problems

because we're always just a part of the Bitsy Show.

-Oh, really, Amy?

When have you ever been there for me? Really?

You left for college when I was 12 years old.

Like and then when Mom met Gary, she disappeared too,

so Bitsy Show, my ass.

I invited you here to my home because I-I-I wanted, I...

I hoped that this baby would show you

that I've--I've matured.

-Yeah, it's really mature getting pregnant by a guy

that you just met.

-Well, at least he sees me for who I'm trying to be.

No. Don't fucking touch me. Just go, Jimmy. Go.

Go drive Guy Fieri or whatever.

-[Jimmy] Three hours. -[door opens, closes]

-[whispers] I freaking love Guy Fieri.

-Do you want to know what my first addiction was?

-Okay.

-Diet pills.

Which is fucking speed, by the way.

Thank you, Mom, for supplying those.

I wanted to be you so bad. [laughs] It's crazy.

I used to go in your closet and get your prom dress,

you know the one.

Oh God, it was so pretty. It was cream and lace

and it had the slit up the side and I put it on

but I couldn't get it zipped up.

I was chubby and ugly and you were so perfect

and you were so beautiful and smart.

And--and everybody fucking loved you

and all the guys wanted to fuck you.

-Jesus, Bitsy.

-Don't feel bad for me. I'm really good now.

I'm good, Mom. Actually, I'm great.

People can't get enough of me.

I--I'm on the cover of fucking magazines and--

and I have a house, a beautiful house,

and--and a husband that fucking loves the shit out of me

and he loves my body and he loves fucking me.

And I have this baby coming.

And--and I have a big-ass bank account.

So I'm good. I really am good.

But you...

this was your last chance

but you're fucking toxic. You are all toxic to me.

So if you want to leave, you can go.

Just go.

Fine. That's fine. I'll go.

Jesus.

-Bits... -[door open]

-My name is Ellye. E-double L-Y-E.

[door closes]

[door opens, closes]

-We're not going to go after her?

-She does this to get attention.

-I mean, Linda's right. She'll be back.

-That's our daughter out there.

-Just...? -Yeah. Yes.

[door opens]

[door closes]

[birds chirping]

[dog barking]

-Ellye! Ellye. Ellye, come back.

We're all sorry.

-Hey, what's...? Are you okay?

What's happened? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you okay? Come here. Come here.

-My angina. -Really?

-I'm fine. -All right.

-Gary! Slow down.

-Should we wait so they can catch up?

Let's wait. -No. No.

I just pretend I can't hear her.

-Oh, that's genius.

-That man is deaf as a post.

-[panting]

-Ellye!

[dog barking]

-I'm sorry. That's my little Chick.

Going a little blind, you know. She gets scared easily.

-That's okay. She's really cute.

-Yeah. Well, are--are you okay?

-I'm okay. Thank you for asking.

Oh. Oh, my... my water broke.

My water broke! Oh, my god.

-That's not water.

-What?

Oh, no. -[Amy] You guys lost her?

[Kevin] Yeah. Yeah.

[Gary] She lost us.

Okay, hush. Hush. -[Kevin] Very agile.

-[Ellye] Help! -Where's that?

[Linda] Oh, there. It's from there.

[Amy] Dad.

-Ellye?

-Oh, hi. -Okay.

All right. Let's take a look here.

Uh, ca--can we have a little privacy, please?

-Oh. Yeah, like, yeah, okay.

-Yeah, your water definitely broke.

There's a little more blood than I'd like.

-It's just bloody show.

-Someone call an ambulance, please.

-Yeah, yeah. I'm on it. I'm on it.

-Mom, I wanna go home.

-Oh, no, no, no, no. We need to go to the hospital.

-[Ellye] No. -[Cheyenne] Okay?

-Please don't take me there.

It's not part of the birth plan. I don't wanna do that.

-Bleeding out is also not part of the birth plan.

-You're gonna be fine, honey. -Squeeze your legs together.

Make it really, really, really tight.

[Kevin] Please, please.

[Cheyenne] Deep breaths.

Good news. I've got a heartbeat.

-Let's carry her. Let's carry her.

[Kevin] Okay, here we go.

-[Amy] Three. -[Kevin] Together. Together.

Stop, stop.

[Ellye groaning]

[Gary] [into phone] We're at the park.

Yes. Oh. No, I-I-I... what street are we on?

-Call Jimmy, please. -[Amy] Okay, I will. I will.

-Somebody call Jimmy.

-Ga--Gary, we're near Watergate, I think.

-We're near Watergate.

-[Kevin] Yeah. -No, no, no, no.

Not on Watergate. Near Watergate.

-How are you doing? -I don't know,

I'm not from around here. What? -Are you doing okay?

Are you doing okay?

Are you taking your pills? -Yes. Honey, I'm on the phone.

-I know you are but...

-Yes. We're in a park. How's the--

ambulance gonna get here? -Jimmy, thank god.

-Talk to me, Amy. What's going on?

-Something's happened with Ellye.

No, no. We have to get her to the hospital.

-Mommy.

[Amy] [into phone] Yeah. We're...

no, we need you to come. -Here we go. Here we go.

-Put Ellye on the phone! Put Ellye on the phone!

-Tell your driver to

turn on the sirens like a goddamn ice cream man

and when I hear it, I'll know you're near.

-Hi. I have Jimmy.

I have Jimmy. Say hi. It's gonna be okay.

-Baby, where are you?

[Jimmy] I'm coming. Where are you?

-[into phone] Oh, yeah. I'm, um... on the Greenbelt.

-All right, I'm coming. Hang on.

-He's coming.

-The guy's coming? Did you say the guy's coming?

-He's coming.

[Cheyenne] Hey, hey, stay with me here.

Stay with me. -[Howard] Almost.

-[Cheyenne] Okay. -All right, everybody else.

-That's it. It's here. Dad.

[Howard] Your carriage awaits, my dear.

[Ellye] Oh.

-My mommy just had a baby.

She has a scar right here where they cut it out.

-Okay. -[Linda] It's all right.

That's not gonna happen. -[Amy] Yeah.

-Okay.

[Howard] Here we go. Here we go.

Okay. Here we go.

-Oh, god. [grunts]

[car engine revving]

-Okay, come on. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go.

[car brakes screeching]

[car door opens, closes]

[Ellye] Jimmy.

-Whoa, whoa. Okay, okay.

Come on. Come on. -Baby, what about Guy Fieri?

-Guy Fieri can wait. Don't worry about it.

The worst thing that'll happen to me is

I'll probably get banned from Flavortown.

-Okay. -Hey, get over.

-If you need, I can--I can drive.

You know, I know this is very important for your business,

but also Guy shouldn't have to miss the Emmys.

-[Jimmy] I appreciate it. -[Kevin] I have a blazer.

-[Amy] Now is not the time. -[Jimmy] It's pretty sharp,

there's piping...please get-- -[car engine revving]

[Jimmy] Run, run, run, run.

[Ellye] Oh, baby.

-Got 'em.

I need you to admit her right now.

-Our maternity ward is completely booked.

[Jimmy] I don't give a shit about that.

She's bleeding. Please, please.

-And if she crashes--

-Just type something on the computer.

Just type her name and it's Ellye Ferguson.

Ellye Ferguson. Please.

-And if she crashes--

-Type the fucking keyboard, lady.

Please!

-If she crashes, we will take her to the ER.

Are you in our system? If not--

-Fuck your system, lady! Are you kidding me right now?

Are you--? -Listen, I'll take care of it.

I'll take care of it.

[announcement on intercom]

[Vonda] Hi. I-- I don't mean to be rude...

-Then don't.

-Excuse me? -You're excused.

-No one needs to see that. -[Linda] Fuck you.

-There's a child here. -[Linda] Fuck him too.

[Vonda scoffs]

-Well, it is how we got here.

[Linda] And this one is for my husband.

-I told you I'm... ugh, I'm fine.

I just forget to take my pills.

[door opens]

[male nurse] All right.

Thank you. Thank you. -[Cheyenne] You can go.

-You're gonna be fine. Baby, it's gonna be fine.

-You can't come past this point.

-What? I'm her husband.

-Hospital policy. ER's a sterile environment.

-Wherever she goes, I go. I have catching rights.

And if you have a problem with that,

well, then you can take it up

with the California Midwife Association.

I'm gonna need that.

-Take care of her.

-Wait. You're just gonna leave her there?

-We'll get her a room as soon as we're able.

-When's a doctor gonna be able to see her?

-As soon as they're able.

-What?

[cries]

[elevator pings]

[rapidly pushing elevator button]

-Hold it. Aaah!

[elevator pings]

-Hey. We called to schedule a tour.

-Last name Messina.

[Dr. Faraj] Well, it's a good thing that this is hypothetical.

If she was allergic to penicillin,

then we'd have a severe allergic reaction on our hands.

Congratulations, Dr. Serrano. She's--

-[clears throat] Uh, hello.

I am with Administration, and I just need a favor.

-I'm right in the middle of something--

-I totally understand.

It's just that we got so many complaints

about abusive conditions and long hours

and totally want to nip this in the bud

before OSHA gets involved. Right?

So, uh, if you don't mind,

I would love to just borrow one of your med students.

-Residents. -That's what I...

This one would be...

I'm sure she would have some valuable insight.

-Just go. -Yeah, perfect. Excellent.

-Okay. -Thank you so much.

-[grunting]

-Exhale, exhale. Whoooh.

All the way out.

-Whoooooh!! -There you go.

Just a contraction.

Okay, yeah, you're good. Breathe out. Remember?

-[straining]

-All the way out. Good. Good. Good.

Hey, hey. Ellye. Ellye.

Hey, you never told me, how did you and Jimmy meet?

Hm?

-Oh. Oh, yeah. We met at rehab.

He sat next to me in the group session.

He always used to whisper the meanest things about people.

[laughs] He made me laugh.

-And how long you been sober?

-About a year. -Oh.

Well, congratulations.

-[Ellye] Thank you. -Me, 17.

-Wow. -[Cheyenne] Yeah.

And how often did you want to use during this pregnancy?

-Every day.

-Hm. Every day. And you didn't, did you?

-Nuh-uh.

-Because you're a fighter.

Listen, there may come a point before the end of all this,

you feel like giving up,

but I'm gonna need you to keep fighting.

The baby's gonna need you to fight.

Jimmy is going to need you to fight.

Can you do that for us?

-[sighs]

[door opens]

-[Jimmy whistles] -I think I left my, uh,

oh, do you have my phone?

-I wish.

-Might have left it in the car.

-Okay. -Um...

-Pregnancy brain. -I'm so sorry.

We will be right back.

Thank you for everything. -[elevator pings]

-Okay, here's the deal. My wife is in labor right now,

but all the beds are taken in this hospital.

She's bleeding a lot. We really need a doctor.

-Oh. But I'm only a resident.

-You are so much more qualified than all of us combined.

-Yes, please. We are... we are good people. [chuckles]

-Okay.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

[elevator pings]

-I owe you a trip to Flavortown.

-Oh, I hope that's a double entendre.

-[laughs]

[male nurse] Sir.

-That's my wife. Do you understand me?

That is my wife. I made a vow,

through sickness and in health, and this is the sick part.

If she dies... [sobbing]

If she dies... [cries]

-Come on back.

-Thank you.

-Come on back.

Let me offer you some scrubs, sir.

-Well, um, there's two things I think it could be.

-Okay. -One is really bad.

Uh, I think what she's got is placenta previa,

which basically means that the placenta

is blocking the cervix, and we need to do a cesarean

and get the baby out right away.

-[Ellye] No. -Baby.

-[Ellye] No! -Baby. Okay.

Well, what's the good thing it could be?

-That was the good thing.

-I don't want it. I don't want it.

-I love you so much. I love you so much.

What are we waiting for? Please. Please.

-[phone button beeps] -[phone ringing]

-Here goes my letter of recommendation.

Yeah. We have a code pink in the ER.

[door opening]

-I wanna see.

-It's happening. It's happening.

-I love you.

-We need you to wait outside.

-No! -We have to put you under.

You won't even know they're missing.

-No, you can't. I have to be awake.

-There is no time for an epidural.

We need to get this baby out now.

-I love you. -I need to talk to you.

Really quickly. I love you.

-No, no. What's that? Tell me what that is.

-That's the nine-pointed star.

It's a religious symbol of the Baha'i.

-Okay. What's Baha'i?

-I'll explain later, after the baby's born.

-Will you say a prayer for me?

-Listen to me. Will you save my wife? Please.

-The doctors will do everything they can

for both of them. -Okay.

[breathing deeply]

[crying]

[heart monitor beeping]

[Cheyenne] [VO] Thy name is my healing, O my God,

and remembrance of Thee is my remedy.

Nearness to Thee is my hope,

and love for Thee is my companion.

Thy mercy to me is my healing and my succor

in both this world and the world to come.

Thou verily art the all-bountiful,

the all-knowing, the all-wise.

-I hope that shit works.

-Well, maybe don't refer to it as shit.

-[Jimmy scoffs]

I didn't grow up religious.

I actually didn't find God until I first laid eyes on Ellye

when she walked into the rehab facility.

-[laughs]

-I thought to myself, "Dear God, please, please,

I will clean up my entire act, my whole life,

if you just make it so I can get with her."

-That is a beautiful prayer.

-[chuckles]

[door opens]

-It's a boy.

[both laugh]

[phone message beeps]

-Oh. I got a Lil' Jordan.

-I'll go tell the family.

-What about my wife?

-They're still with her.

-Wait, wait. What does that mean?

-May I have your attention?

Lil' Jordan Ferguson was born at 3:49 p.m.

[all chuckling]

And with that, my work is done.

-Well, who's Big Jordan?

-What about my daughter?

-Let me... let me check.

[door closes]

-Baby's doing fine.

-Ah, thank God.

-We need to monitor him in the NICU.

-What about my wife?

-And we couldn't stop the bleeding.

Oh no, no, no.

We had to perform a hysterectomy,

but she's going to be fine.

[both cheer and laugh]

-Maybe, uh, next time, just lead with

"She's going to be fine."

-If you ever need a limo ride, I got you.

Come here! -[both laugh]

[heart monitor beeping]

-Drama queen.

-Oh, hi.

Hi.

-You're a mom.

-Amy. [cries] -Honey, what?

-[sobs] I just...

all I wanted was a natural birth

and-- and I wasn't even awake for it.

-Oh, honey, fuck natural. You know what's not natural?

My crown.

Do you think I'd ask for a "natural" root canal?

-They cut me open. -[Amy] I know.

-And I... I can't have any more babies.

-Well, you have a baby.

And that baby has the bravest mom that I have ever known.

-[Amy] Really? -Yeah.

-Maybe our bodies just aren't meant

to have babies, you know?

-That's right. Blame it on me.

-[chuckles] -Hey, Mommy.

-Sweetheart.

-Well, I asked the vet to put him down but he refused.

-Dad?

-[Gary] Hey. -What happened to you?

-I-I told them not to make a fuss,

but what are you gonna do? Doctors.

-Yeah.

-Hey, what's all this?

-Ugh.

-Oh, wow.

-Compliments of Guy Fieri, actually.

-Oh wow. -Yes.

-Flavortown. I'm taking them as souvenirs.

-[Ellye laughs] -Oh, I know.

-Did you ever think our babies

would be having babies?

-Yeah. I kinda thought we'd have scared them off it.

-I think we did okay. -[Linda chuckles]

-Hey. [chuckling]

-Oh, my...

-Do you want to meet our baby? -Yes.

Hi, baby. Come here. Come to Mommy.

Hi, baby. -[Lil' Jordan cries]

-Yes. Okay, baby. It's okay.

-Hey. -Come on. Let's take a picture.

-[Lil' Jordan coos] -[camera shutter clicks]

-[Ellye cries]

He's perfect.

-Mom and Dad, we need you to wear these

to prove you belong to

this precious little boy. -Yeah.

-Hi. Do you like those?

Do you like that? Ssshhh.

-It's okay, buddy. -[Lil' Jordan cries]

[Ellye] Thank you.

You're so perfect.

Lil' Jordan?

-What? -What the fuck!

[Jimmy] Baby ears.

["Baby (Do You Wanna Be Mine)" by Red Stags playing]

[music fades out]