Original subtitles

How'ya doin'?

I'm Jimmy Falcone, now known as McDougal.

They say there's two things ya can't avoid in life:

death and taxes.

...wiseguys don't pay taxes,

which only leaves death.

Back in the old neighborhood,

the funeral home was doin' great business.

The guy who ran the place was rollin' in dough.

Strutted around like he owned the freakin' neighborhood.

So, we took over the joint.

You're fired.

[screaming]

At first it was great, but after a while,

my guys were so busy workin' funerals,

none of 'em were out on the street causin' the funerals.

I realized ya can be a gangster or an undertaker,

but ya can't be both.

Now I live in Regina, Saskatchewan,

which is about as much fun as a funeral home.

...and it's got more stiffs!

I actually find Regina relaxing.

Petey, this town's D.O.A.

Fugget about it.

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'Bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ Made wise guy and a capo with the Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out that they'd be ♪

♪ Whackin' Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss, he threw him ♪

♪ From the nineteenth- floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob all wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the feds ♪

♪ The feds say they'll help if they could use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends ♪

♪ And moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it♪

Oh! Fugget about it!

...and I am sick and tired of your shenanigans!

Every time you and Cheech get into one of your mishaps,

Canadian taxpayers have to foot the bill!

You're makin' a mountain outta moleskin, McCool.

Calm down!

I will not!

You are on very thin ice here, Jimmy.

Okay, okay, I see what this is about.

How much we talkin'?

That is hardly going to cover the cost

of this latest debacle!

What debacle?

It's a coupla cows!

This is gonna be great!

We're gonna have steak on demand!

I pumped 'em fulla steroids so they're extra-beefy.

[rumbling]

[mooing]

[moo]

Sorry Jimmy, but my superiors

were very clear on the matter![moo]

One more mistake... One more hi-jink...

[moo]

One more incident and you will be expelled

from witness protection!

Good day to you, sir!

For Canada!

Where there is a limit to the taxpayer's good will!

[sonic boom]

[mooing]

You guys won't believe what happened!

Petey got a date?

Pfft! No! I got a summer job!

No way!Good for you, kid!

I remember my first job...

I made a mint off that blue-tinted peanut brittle!

What kinda job is it?

That's what I wanna know, but Theresa won't tell me!

Well, I could tell you...

Or... I could show you.

I don't like this...

Suppose her summer job is whackin' us!

You been drinkin' paint thinner again?

Think about it.

She tricks us with this b.s. job story,

drives us to the middle of nowhere and pow!

Remind me to compliment her

before I put one in her temple.

That's my first-born you're talkin' about.

If anyone's gonna shoot her, it'll be me.

Alright, take off the blindfolds.

Holy crap!

We're all the way back in New York!

Theresa, were you speedin'?

What did we say about speedin', young lady!

It's like a dream...

except mama's not chasin' me with a knife.

[tires squealing]

I knew it! She set us up!

[loud crash]

Ah, it's good to be back!

And... cut!

What?

That's a wrap![bell rings]

We're not actually in New York.

I got a job on a big Hollywood movie

filming right here in Regina!

So this is a set? What's the movie?

It's called "Wiseguys Versus Aliens".

Sounds arty-farty.

Wait, was there a casting couch involved

when you got hired?

No, I'm just an assistant.

It's actually a really easy job.

Standing around all day sure is hard on your feet.

Please, take my chair, I'll sit on the floor.

Aw, thanks Mr. Spielberg!

I better get to work.

I got ten long hours of sittin', eatin',

and textin' ahead of me.

Kid sounds like an old pro already.

C'mon, let's take a look around.

Wait, I know this door...

Rizzo!

Open up or I'll break your legs!

You still owe me a c-note!

Rizzo! Rizzo!

Rizzo's been dead for ten years, ya moron!

[crackling]

Nice try, Rizzo!

[doorbell]

What do you want, Kojak?

I ain't touchin' that.

What is it?

I'm talkin' to you, Professor X!

Wait Gina, that's a Buddhist monk.

He don't talk.

I think he's on mute.

It's called a vow of silence.

"Dear Parent or Guardian.

A vision has foretold that a child in this home

may be the reincarnation of the Bali Lama."

The who-the-what-now?

The Bali Lama.

It's just like the Dalai Lama, except from Bali.

Wow.

I always knew I was special, but not this special.

I am honoured.

What? Her?

Oh, you gotta be [beep]in' me!

"High priests will soon arrive

"to determine the veracity of the vision.

Please prepare."

I ain't givin' no priests no eye test, ya got it?

Now get the hell outta here!

Jackpot. Fifty G's!

That's Indonesian money.

It's only worth five bucks.

Says the guy who is not the Baldy Lama.

Jesus! Canadian coffee tastes like dishwater

filtered through dirty underpants.

[crash]Get me an espresso!

Y'know, I could get used to all this movie magic.

And by magic I mean free sandwiches.

Hey look at this!

I've been here ten minutes and already I got a trailer!

Why do you get a trailer?

What kinda low-rent flick is this?

[moaning]Hey, get outta my trailer!

If anyone should be bangin' a bimbo

in that Winnebago, it's me!

Relax, it's probably just some guy

with the same name as you.

Ya mean like my evil twin?

Cheech, look back on your life.

If you was twins, you would not be the good one.

Freakin' goody two-shoes.

Always stealin' my girls.

Did I ever tell you ladies about the time

when my nephew Jimmy Falcone

whacked the D.A. with a frozen fish?

We knew the cops were gonna be onto us,

so to get rid of the evidence...

we ate the fish!

[laughter]Hoh! What are you talkin' about?

What just happened?

I never met that guy in my life!

And I never killed nobody with a fish...

I just fed 'em to live ones.

This is identical theft.

The son of a bitch is pretendin' he's me!

And he's not even as handsome.

Yo Petey, I been thinkin' about it.

I'm gonna do this thing.

Ya know with the Butt Monkeys.

Buddhist Monks?

Yeah, that's the one.

Religion's a cash-grab and I want a piece.

I just need to fool them Monks long enough

to start bilkin' my followers.

You know what? I think I'll help you.

You? Mr. Squeaky Clean No-Balls? Why?

Because I think the simple, gentle wisdom of the Buddha

may just penetrate your heart,

like water through cracks in stone.

Whatever, but if ya screw this up,

I'm gonna crack you with a stone.

Alright Jimmy, I'm callin' in every favour you owe me.

Help me whack this scumbag.

Since when do I owe you any favours?

He's disrespectin' the Falcone name

and he's making money off it!

Which kinda makes me respect the guy.

Cheech, what the hell are ya doin'?

Phony Cheech is about to go to work

for "Industrial Light and Tragic".

[gasp]

Theresa, watch out!

[screams]

[screams]

It's okay! It's okay! Theresa's fine!

[crowd cheers]

Yeah, we're gonna need five more Canadians.

Alright, ya moron.

How'd you steal my face?

Whoa... Cheech Falcone!

What are you doin' here? And Jimmy!

Since we're playin' the name game,

ya mind tellin' us yours?

So we can put it on your tombstone?

It's me. Enzo, from Brooklyn!

Narrow it down a little.

I know like, fifty Enzos from Brooklyn.

Enzo Pistone!

I ran Pistone's Pizzatorium!

You guys ordered from me all the time.

Why you interpersonatin' Cheech?

It's like this.

I always wanted to be a director in Hollywood,

but who's gonna hire a guy who smells like anchovies?

So take a shower.

When you guys disappeared, I got an idea.

I moved to L.A., shaved my head,

slapped on a moustache and pretended to be Cheech.

What are you, insane? Why Cheech?

There's no way I could pull off being you Jimmy.

I don't smoke!

Anyway, I got a job as an advisor on Mob movies.

They call me "Il Consultiari".

What the hell do you know about bein' a goodfella?

Nothing.

I just tell them stuff I know from other mob movies.

Bada-boom! Bada-bing! I'ma gonna shoota you!

I'ma shoota you!

You do realize there's a contract out on Cheech.

So what? I'm in Hollywood.

They're great at keeping secrets.

Especially once you join Scientology.

What's this?

Oh, it's a sweet gig, Jimmy.

I get free food, they pay me in cash,

I got a fancy car to drive

and a hotel room you wouldn't believe!

Congrats Enzo.

You just got some partners.

He had me at free food.

This is called a sand mandala.

It's an exercise in the transitory nature of life.

I guess it's pretty easy to impress them Boobists.

Mother[beep]!

Why'd ya do that? Now I gotta start over!

Gina, the picture is no longer a picture,

but the sand remains sand.

[♪♪]

Petey, use your freakin' head!

This kindergarten crap ain't gonna cut it.

If we're gonna impress these Monks,

we gotta do somethin' big.

Like a steak dinner and a couple of hookers!

Alright, Enzo, here's the deal.

Me and Cookie are gonna spend a couple of nights here

livin' in the lapse of luxury.

And I'm gonna live in your trailer.

I mean my trailer.

Where am I supposed to sleep?

They gave ya a car, didn't they?

I'm above-the-line.

I can't sleep in my car like, ah, some kind of Teamster.

Enzo, don't kid yourself.

Your days in Tinseltown are numbered.

I saw a clip from this

flopperoni pizza you're cookin' up.

I'ma gonna shoota you!

Agh!

Dont look at me!

It's them hack Hollywood writers!

[laughter]

[♪♪]

Whoa! [laughs]

[laughter]

Agh!

[laughter]

[♪♪]

[giggles][sigh]

Ahh...

Hey!

Agh!

[grunt] [car crash]

[laughter]

[honks]

[honking]

[hissing]

[snoring]

This is so much fun!

I ain't been this relaxed in months.

Exploitin' another human being for my own amusement

just melts the tension.

[knocking]

Must be the bellhop with the new bed.

Took him long enough.

Oh! Ah! Ah!

Is that the guy whose car we hit with the TV?

Nah, Canucks don't shoot!

They just give ya a respectful talkin'-to.

I think Hollywood Enzo ratted us out!

Why we runnin'?

You coulda took that guy.

I left my gun in my pants!

Like you need a gun.

True. But I don't fight naked.

Learned that lesson from One-Nut Nunzio.

Ah! Ah!

[wolf whistle]

Turn around.

I don't want the whole world seein' your cans and my sausage.

[sobbing]

[gasp]

Whoa, memory foam really works!

I'm still not tippin' him.

You tried to have me killed!

What are you talking about?

Don't act all innocent ya little rat!

You called the mob on me, didn't ya?

Really? Why would I do that?

I might be a liar and a faker, but I ain't no back-stabber.

If I was, I'd already be directing movies.

Well watch your back, Francis Fraud Coppola,

'coz someone's after ya.

A guy just shot up your hotel room!

Time for me to make my exit.

If that guy went to the hotel,

he'll probably go to my trailer next.

Cheech! We gotta warn Cheech!

[thumping music]

Oh no, Cheech!

My uncle... My friend...

My bookie.

[sobbing] That mooch owed me twenty grand!

[sobbing]

Ya happy now, pizza guy?

Ya got my uncle killed!

Sure, he mighta been a moron, but he was my moron!

Aw Jimmy, there'll be other morons, you'll see.

Not like Cheech there won't!

When they made him, they broke the mould.

Probably in shame, but still!

I swear to God, if I had my gun, I'd shoot ya.

But as it stands... I gotta choke ya.

I don't know about gotta.

[gasping]

What'd he do?

Stay outta this, Cheech!

Cheech!

I thought you was dead!Dead?

Nah, I just went out for some chewin' gum and condoms.

Canadian gum tastes like rubber.

[gasp] Marone! My girls!

They were all in there!

Candy, Sherri, Britney and Ethel!

Poor Ethel.

She was ugly, Jimmy,

but...willing... so willing!

It's true!

My little sister is the reincarnation of the Bali Lama!

That's Ms. Bali Lama to you.

How did you do that?

Gina, you can't fool those Monks.

You're either the Lama or you're not!

When them guys get here, keep your mouth shut,

or the Queen of Peace is gonna cut ya.

Jimmy, we need to call McCool.

No way, McCool's been on my case

and I don't wanna rock the boat.

I can handle this.

But what if the Hitman recognized us at the hotel?

It was dark, we was naked.

Trust me, he wasn't lookin' at our faces.

I think I'm gonna go back to L.A.

to focus on my directing career.

If I ever get a movie made,

I'll invite ya's all to the premiere.

I'll need a "plus four".

Ethel and the girls are gonna need some cheerin' up

when they get outta the burn ward.

You ain't goin' nowhere.

You're layin' low here

until we're sure that hitman's outta town.

And the kids should stay home, too.

Theresa!

She's at work.

James Cameron gave her a lift.

Nice guy, drives a submarine.

[sigh]

Ah...

Ooh! Pretty.

Ugh!

Stop moving, stupid necklace!

Funny - Whenever I'm in this position,

there's a necklace involved.

[phone rings]

Hello?

THERESA: Um, Daddy?

There's a man here who says he's gonna shoot me

unless you and Cheech give yourselves up.

Oh, and did you know there's a guy on this movie

named Cheech Falcone?

Weird, huh?

You tell that son of a bitch not to lay a finger on you.

Hurry Daddy! He's treatin' me real brutal.

[Jimmy shouting] What did he do to you?

He took away my chair and won't give me a latté.

Man that kid's really gone Hollywood.

If bullets start flyin', Cheech, you hit the deck.

Enzo, you're my human shield.

Okay... Wait, what?

It means he trusts you.

[horse neighs]

Whatever it is, McCool, I don't have time!

There's been a number of incidents, Jimmy.

A hotel shooting, an explosion on a movie set.

Please tell me you're not involved.

Define involved.

So instead of reporting the possible breach of security,

you exploit the situation for some cheap thrills!

And free food. Don't forget the free food.

I have to call in the Special Tactical team!

This is going to cost thousands!

Jimmy, I am so angry with you I could...

[rumbling]

[scream]

[sonic boom]

Jeez, I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice.

And you can kiss witness protection goodbye.

Even if we get the hitman, every goodfella

in North America will be gunning for you!

Or will they?

Gentlemen, I's got an idea.

And? Spit it out, Scorsese.

Jimmy, first rule of directing: Dramatic tension.

Oh, right... I don't get it.

"The high priests apologize.

The vision was mistaken."

No! The vision was right!

I'm the freakin' Bali Lama.

I swear to God!

You guys believe in God, right?

'Coz I'm him...her...it.

You need a mint.

[♪♪]

[giddy laughter]

Stupid girl!

You're not the Bali Lama,

you're the embodiment of evil!

Ah [beep]!

A thirty year vow of silence down the crapper!

Ow! What did I do?

I hope you get reincarnated

as a tapeworm in a starving donkey!

Gina... Look.

They had the right vision, but the wrong address!

Should we tell him to come back?

Nah, [beep] that guy.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, honey.

We'll have ya out of there in a minute.

[whispers]

He says to drop your guns!

First he lets you go!

[whispers]Guns first!

Why doesn't he just tell us himself?

[whispers]

He's self-conscious about his accent!

[whispers]And he likes my perfume!

[cocks gun]

Wait! I believe this is the man you're looking for!

You were sent here to kill Cheech Falcone

and this is Cheech Falcone!

You bastard!

You got my best friend killed...again!

So what?

You morons ruined a perfectly good scam I had going!

I'ma gonna shoot you!

Agh!

[screaming]

[bell tolling]

They are all dead.

[creaking]

Enzo, ya might be a terrible technical adviser,

but you are one hell of a director!

Thanks Jimmy.

Looks like we're in the clear.

The Mob thinks you're dead,

and I didn't have to report anything.

All's well that ends well.

What about me? I took a real bullet.

Yeah, but you had a bulletproof vest.

I took it off, it was clammy.

[phone rings]

Pistone Productions.

What? Really? No way! Thanks!

I just got offered a directing gig on a Canadian movie!

Congrats pal. Good luck.

You should probably take him in.

He knows too much about us.No need, Jimmy!

He's directing a Canadian film.

He'll never be heard from again!

[laughter]