Original subtitles

How'ya doin'?

I'm Jimmy Falcone,

currently known as Jimmy McDougal.

Back in the old days when I was a big-shot,

the most important person in my life...

was my lawyer.

When ya make an honest livin' breakin' the law -

never mis-underestimate the value of a good shyster.

Suppose I allegedly tried to whack a guy

and he went to the cops...

Would I be in trouble?

Hmm...

[ringing] The guy was available night and day.

It's me. I know it's four a.m. and you're in the Hamptons,

but you gotta come to the city and bail me out.

[sigh]

I need ya to get rid of this for me.

[retches]

Nothin seemed to phase this guy.

Then, outta the blue he robs a liquor store

and gets sent to jail.

This guy went to Harvard! Why would he do that?

Thank God!

Just put me in a deep, dark hole

and get me away from Jimmy Falcone!

Anyway, now that I'm in witness protection,

I don't need no lawyer...

'coz I got my own personal Mountie!

Hey McCool, can you get me one of them

new smartie pants phones?

We've been through this, Jimmy!

I can't cater to your every little whim.

The answer is no, so just...

I can't believe I'm going to say this...

Forget about it!

ALL: Hoh!

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'bout a friend or ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ Made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss,

♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ The Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

Oh! Fugget about it!

So they took your appendix, huh McCool?

I'd give ya one of mine,

but it's probably messed up from hard livin'.

But Uncle Cheech, the human appendix

is a vestigial organ -

I been kicked in the vestigials.

I feel your pain, McCool.

I hope you like the flowers.

It was the most expensive ones they had.

Nothin's too good for our Mountie.

We got the banner just in case.

Listen Doc, this guy's a friend of the family.

Send his bill to us.

What bill?

I like you. Ya learn fast.

Cookie... Is Jimmy coming?

His smiling face and ceaseless cigar smoke

always brighten my day.

Don't worry, I'm sure he's on his way.

I sent that bonehead plenty of reminders.

[snoring]

[ding]

[dinging]

Whoa!

Aw crap, I slept past five.

What's with him? He's lookin' right at me.

He's still there.

What if he's a hit man? This is bad!

Son of a--

Toby, what are ya doin' sneakin' up on a guy like that?

[straining] Ahh, sorry Jimmy!

I just came to remind you.

If you're going to stay late... [groan]

don't forget to put in for overtime.

Thanks Toby.

My pleasure.

[alarm beeps]

[quietly] Alright ya bastard.

Ya want me?

Come get me.

Gotcha!

Toby? Jeez, sorry!

I thought you was someone else.

Maybe I should start wearing a bell.

Wish ya woulda thought of that earlier!

It's that guy again!

What guy?

All I can see are fuzzy shapes.

[ringing]

You've reached Special Agent Strait McCool.

Just leave a message, Jimmy.

You're the only one who ever calls. [beep]

McCool, I been made. There's a guy tailin' me!

Meet me at home!

And grab me a slice on your way, I'm starvin'.

Ow, what the hell, Ma?

Ya know that bear Gina has in her room

with the dollar sign on it?

Sure, sure, Moneybear.Okay.

I was in her room gettin' rid of anything

that might be construed as evidence, and...

I think I mighta threw out Moneybear!What?

You know how Gina gets when you touch her stuff.

Remember when you tried to get her off the pacifier?

She was like a badger, clawin' and scratchin'.

And that sound she made!

[whimpering] [growling]

[shudders] I wore an eye patch for a year!

Exactly, so I don't wanna know about this.

I can't believe my own daughter's gonna abandon me

in a time when I'm...

in danger from my other daughter. [door opens]

What?BOTH: Nothing!

No! Why'd you hafta drag me into this?

I didn't do anything!

Shut up! Shut up! You're in it now!

Someone's after me! I need a gun!

Thanks, kid... Where'd you get this?

Ya wanna gun or ya wanna ask stupid questions?

Where the hell were you?

Poor McCool's lyin' in the hospital and you can't -

Wait a second, McCool's in the hospital?

Why didn't ya tell me? That means we're on our own!

What are you talkin' about? [doorbell]

I don't got time to explain, I think we been made.

[inhales]

Whoa! Easy tiger!

Boy, Jimmy,

I've been trying to introduce myself all night,

but you kept giving me the slip.

Who the hell are you and who sent ya?

I came as soon as I got your message.

Jimmy, this is FBI agent Rick Chickmagnet.

Is pepperoni okay? All they had was pepperoni.

It's kinda cold.

What do you Feds want from me now?

The bureau wants to interview you

for an ongoing investigation, Jimmy.

Nice to meet you. I'm Special Agent McCool.

Let me guess, first name "Not So"?

Nice uniform, Not So.

[laughter]

So what do you say Jimmy, deal or... not a deal?

No way.

I had enough of bein' a no good snitch for one lifetime.

In the eyes of the U.S. Government, you're no snitch.

You sir, are a hero.

You sure you got the right Jimmy?

Oh, and by the way, I brought eight pounds

of gabagool from Pauly's Deli in New York!

[cheering]

Jimmy, what's a gabla-goo?

It's lunch meat. Now put on some pants will'ya?

Come on in, Chickmagnet.

I guess I'll be heading back to the old hospital...

[chatter]

[grunt]

For Canada and...

Ow! My stitches popped...

Well Jimmy, you've been a huge help.

That tip about Don Barzinni alone

is enough to blow the case wide open.

When ya take him down, tell him I said "Yo".

Heh, I sure will.

Now listen.

Between you and me, how do you like it up here

in the Great Mild North?

Don't ask.What if I told you

that as a reward for your cooperation,

the Bureau is willing to relocate your family.

What?That's right, Jimmy.

To sunny California!

Really?What'd you say?

California? Are you serious?

The details are right in there.

I'll take you and Cheech

down to the North Dakota field office for processing

and the family can meet us in California.

Ya hear that? We're gonna be Americans again!

But wait! I was just getting to like it here.

The schools are better, the medical care is top-notch,

and I just finished building my first igloo

in the backyard.

Pipe down Petey.

Ya can build plenty of googy-goos in California.

Hang on! Petey might have a point.

Is it right to keep movin' the kids around

like homeless gypsies?

Let's get the [beep] outta here! Woooo!

Chickmagnet's giving you a six bedroom house,

a full cable package, and a job as a nude beach lifeguard?

Are you sure you don't want to stay in Canada, Jimmy?

I'm positive.

California's got sunshine, no snow,

and unfettered access to burritos.

My hands are tied here.

Well then I suppose this is...goodbye?

Really?

I never hugged a cop before unless I was stabbin' him.

In a way you have stabbed me, Jimmy.

Right through the heart.

Sheesh. Alright.

[whimpers]You're cryin' now?

No, no, my incision became severely infected

when I left the hospital to meet you last night.

That's what ya get for ignorin' doctors orders!

Anyway, I'll send ya a postcard.

It'll have my new name on it: "Jimmy Gonzales".

[whimpers]

What are you doing?

I got a replacement for Moneybear.

You think that piece of crap's gonna fool Gina?

Where's the dollar sign on the front?

I'll sew it on!

But first we gotta age it to look like Moneybear.

What's he look like? I need details.

I don't know! Ask Petey!

I can't.

He'll say, "Mother, honesty is the best policy"

and get us all killed.

Wait, it had an eye missing!

Good, good, so we'll pry off one

of this son of bitch's eyes. Which one?

Think!

I had it, but you slapped it out of me!

Well igloo, in saying goodbye to you,

I'm also saying farewell to Canada.

CHICKMAGNET: Yeah, we're leaving right now.

Don't sweat it, they don't suspect a thing.

[gasp]

I'm not telling you where they are!

You'll send guys to whack 'em

and I don't get my million dollar bounty.

See you in Fargo.

You bring the money. I'll bring the Falcones.

God, I hate Canada.

[muffled] Ow, ow, ow!

Snow in my pants!

Alright boys,

let's head off to your new life.

So long, Cook.

Next time ya see me, we'll be in sunny California.

And I'll be sellin' oranges

at the off-ramp in a leopard print thong.

You take good care of my Jimmy, okay?

'Course I will!

It's not like I'm gonna get him across the border,

put a bullet in his head,

and sell him to the mob or anything.

[laughter]

[panting]

[panting]

Call... McCool...

PHONE VOICE: Searching for my stool,

would you like me to book a colonoscopy?

Agh!

[ringing]

Agent McCool Special here...

PETEY: McCool!

Rick Chickmagnet is gonna kill my Dad!

Slow down.

I'm on morphine, so I'm having trouble following...

Who's this again?

It's Petey!

Rick Chickmagnet is taking Dad and Cheech to the mob!

Chick Rickmagnet?

What are you calling me for?

You think you're so cool.

You want cool? Try morphine.

This [beep] is awesome.

This isn't Chickmagnet! It's Petey!

Petey! Hey, kid.

I tell you,

if I tried this morphine junk when I was your age,

I never would have become a cop.

I'd have become a jazz dancer...

Snap out of it! My dad's in trouble!

Did I ever tell you

how Mummy supported us when Daddy left?

The men she brought home...

We called them my "uncles"...

No "uncle", I won't fix you a drink...

get your own damn highball, ye filthy pervert!

[snoring]

[grunts] What am I gonna do?

Dad's gonna die! Help!

[muffled] Help!

I'm bored. Are we there yet?

Hey, let's play "I Spy".

What are you, six?

Take it easy Chickmagnet!

Just kidding, heh heh heh.

Alright, I'll go first.

I spy with my little eye...

something that's gonna get slaughtered.

What?See? A truck full of lambs.

[bleating]

Oh, right. Good one.

I'll try again.

I spy with my little eye...

...dead meat!

Who, me?[chuckles] No, no.

There's some road kill over there.

[chuckles]

One more! I spy with my little eye...

Two wiseguys who are gonna get whacked!

Alright, you're freakin' me out.

What? Relax.

It's just Martin Scorsese's new movie.

We are so seein' that. Hey Cheech?

Cheech?

Aaaaw, he fell asleep...

[farts]

[gurgling]

Mummy, you don't have to turn on the red light!

Wow. What a trip.

Won't be doing that again.

Oh look, Petey called.

Thundering Thunder Bay! Jimmy!

[whistles]

[screams, loud crashes]

Gallop like the wind, Horse! Jimmy's in trouble!

For Canada!

Where friendship trumps infection every time!

[sonic boom]

Okay, now we run him through the dryer a buncha times

to make him look old.

I can't do this.

I can lie to you and Pop, but Gina?

She's got those eyes...

They burn right through ya.

Don't you fall apart on me now!

If this doesn't look exactly like Moneybear-

you and me are goin' to California in a pine box!

What the hell are they talkin' about Moneybear for?

He's right down here.

What are they so freaked out about?

THERESA: I'm out! [slap]

COOKIE: You're out when I say you're out.

Hehehe...

I could have a lotta fun with this...

JIMMY: Look at that.

Three more kims and we'll be in the good ole U.S. of A.

First thing I'm gonna do is get me some poutine

and a bottle of maple syrup...

[sonic boom]

Hey, get a load of McCool!

Jesus Christ, are you kidding me?

Let us go! It's for the best!

For us at least.

It's a double-cross!

I can't hear ya! I'll Skype ya from Cali!

[engine roars]

[grunts]Yo, Chickmagnet, relax.

He's just tryin' to say goodbye again.

Pull over.Screw that!

You're under my jurisdiction now!

Technically not for two more kims.

BOTH: Hoh!

Hoh!Hoh!

[tires screech]

[whimpers]

We're alive, Jimmy! Ya know what this means?

Seatbelts actually work!

McCool, ya crazy bastard.

What are ya doin'?

[whimpers] Run... Run...

What's he sayin'? Rum?

Rum! Poor bastard needs a drink.

I know the feelin'.

[gunfire]

Quit foolin' around! This guy needs help!

Oh God, could you possibly be more dense?

I'm trying to kill you, you stupid moron!

But what about Calif -

Oh...

[loud gunfire]

Why the hell are you tryin' to kill us? You're a Fed!

I'd explain, but I hate it when bad guys

stand around telling their plan

when they could just kill the hero.

I'm a lotta things, but a hero ain't one of 'em.

Aaah! My eyes!

Gahhh, do you ever wash your feet?

[loud bang]

[grunts]

Hey Jimmy, if I drop my pants,

do I get a piggy-back too?

Between you and me,

my nuts are like ice cubes.

I know, I know. I'm cold too.

No, I mean all the time.

We need to find shelter.

Hey! Maybe there's a Howard Johnson's out here.

How 'bout that old barn?

I bet that joint don't even got cable...

[loud thumping]

Dammit! It still looks good as new.

[sniffs] And he smells spring fresh!

I'll warm up the car.

We'll run over his head a couple times.

Whose head is Ma gonna run over?

Oh, hi Gina!

How are ya, little sis!

What's behind your back?What?

Oh, nothing...

Alright, now ya got me curious.

When I get curious, I like answers.

Ya know how I like to get answers, Theresa?

[teeth chattering] How?

The hard way!

[battle cry]

[grunting]

Poor guy's turnin' blue.

We gotta find somethin' to start a fire.

Don't waste your time.

He knew this was a one-way ride.

C'mon Cheech, the guy risked his life to save my ass

after I treated him like a jerk.

Which makes him a huge pushover, but still...

Way I see it, if he dies,

we can survive on him for weeks.

He's built like Conan...

the barbarian, not the weird redhead on TV.

Cheech, I'm hungry, too, but we're not eatin' McCool.

Get a fire goin'!

You worked nights as an arsonist, should be a cinch!

Look for anything that'll burn.

Forget it, Jimmy, we're all gonna freeze in here.

Wait! I know!

This oughta burn for a while.

Changed your mind?

Nah, the tag was chaffin' me.

[grunting]

So ya threw out Moneybear?

You got any idea why I call him Moneybear?

[whimper]

'Coz I keep money in him, that's why!

I had three grand in there!

Hey, where's Mom? Dad's in troub-heh..

[nervous chuckle]

Now, let's have a little talk

about how I'm gonna get my money back.

[panting] I'm not the one you want!

It's Ma! She dragged me into this.

Oh sure, I get it.

You was just an innocent by-stander.

Oh God! I'm so sorry, Gina.

I'll get your money, I promise!

Whatever it takes!

Just don't hurt me!Alright.

Seein' as you're family, I'll cap the vig at three percent.

And let this be a lesson to ya.

Don't keep no secrets from me.

Heh heh.

Easiest three grand I ever made.

This ain't what it looks like!

Get up to your room. You're grounded!

Aw crap!

That's it? She's grounded?

You didn't say a word about throwin' out her stupid bear!

What am I gonna incriminate myself?

Oh that's great! I owe her a buncha money.

And you got off with nothin'!

Well kid, I'm a mob wife.

I got an instinct for dodgin' bullets.

How much are you into her for anyway?I don't know.

How many dollars are in three percents?

[snoring]

I can't take this no more! We gotta fight back.

Our first mistake was not bringin' guns...

Wait, a sec! McCool might have a gun.

Haha I'm way ahead of ya!

What are you doin'?

Passin' the time til help comes!

Gimme that!

Find somethin' to make clothes.

We're goin' outside.

Hey, we coulda just burned this stuff!

Alright Chickmagnet! Get 'em up!

Get 'em up? Ya sound like a no-good cop!

Let's see them hands!

Yipee-ki-yay sheriff.

Hoh! You makin' fun of me?

Nah, just kiddin' around, officer.

Spit it out you sayin' I gone soft?

No, I'm sayin' I'da shot the guy already.

Oh yeah?

How's that?

Ya missed.

The old snowman decoy trick.

Works every time. Except in summer.

You're a disgrace, Chickmagnet.

Turnin' your back on your badge for a few lousy bucks.

More like a million bucks, Jimmy.

What? Me and Cheech are worth a million bucks to the mob?

Just for you. For Cheech I get a coffee maker.

Hoh! I went up!

I used to be worth a three-pack of tube socks!

The only coffee you'll be brewing

will be in prison, Chickmagnet!

McCool! You're alive!

Now who'm I gonna have for lunch?

Your humble shirt and pants fire

was enough to temporarily spur my immune system, Jimmy!

Now let's see how your immune system

handles a hot lead injection, donkey dong!

[tense music]

[whinnies][screams]

Horse! Good boy!Give 'em hell, Horsie!

Stop it, Horse.

You're only stomping lifeless pulp!

Hop on boys!

No sense ridin' on an empty stomach,

let's roast up the G-man before we go.

Enough with the cannibalism!

What do ya want from me, I got a craving.

Petey told us what happened, are you boys okay?

Everyone's fine.

Despite being chased by a lunatic out for personal gain.

Funny, same thing happened to me and Theresa.

But why let one rogue Federal Agent

ruin the big move to California...

About that, Cookie.

It appears that Chickmagnet engineered the whole thing.

I know. What a bastard.

But we're still goin' right? Right?

Sorry Cook...

Jesus Christ.[beep] this.

[hums O Canada]

Well McCool, I guess you ain't gettin' rid of us that easy.

I supposed not. I must thank you, Jimmy.

You went above and beyond to keep me alive.

Ah, I just burned the shirt off my back.

It was nothin'.

No Jimmy, it was proof.

You like me! You really like me!

Well, I should get back to the hospital.

The infection is starting to take hold agai -

Let's cook him like a Christmas ham.