Original subtitles

How ya doin'?

I'm Jimmy Falcone, former New York capo.

In the old life, the Feds were always up in my business.

These guys had ears everywhere,

and by ears I mean bugs.

But I didn't let that keep me from bein' a normal family man.

Found one!

That's my girl.

Messin' with the Feds was a game.

[radio] I got the fat bastard right here.

I'm gonna chop off his legs and feed 'em to the dogs.

On the ground! Now!

Ha ha! Gotcha!

Ho-ho! Good one Jimmy!

I'd offer you guys a turkey sandwich,

but [beep] you.

If it was real important, we'd talk in code.

But, that came with its own problems.

Cheech, I need you to pick up that "magic potion"

from the "Maharaja",

and take it to the "Wizard".

And make sure ya "look into his crystal ball".

Capiche?Capiche!

By "magic potion",

you mean the eight keys of heroin, right?

On the ground! Now!

Now that I'm in witness protection livin' in Canada,

I don't ever gotta worry about bugs again.

[loud buzzing]

[muffled] Fugga' bou' it.

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'bout a friend or ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss,

♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

Oh! Fugget about it!

Cookie, that was superb!

You're a regular George Foreman in the kitchen.

Thanks, Jimmy.

And now for the knockout.

[doorbell]Cannoli!

[grumbling]

James McDougal?

Who's askin'?Angus MacTavish!

Don't ring a bell. Do I know you?

No lad, but our ancestors fought on the moors

for three centuries.

This weekend, you and I pay tribute to their bravery -

at the Regina Highland Games!

Uh...speaky die English?

I'm throwin' down the gauntlet, laddie!

See you at the caber toss!

Gooooo MacTavi -

Who was that?

Some Australian lunatic in a skirt.

[sighing]

I'm gonna regret askin', but what's your problem?

There's this Dutch exchange student at school, Jetsie.

No one pays attention to him.

He said he feels invisible.

...and you care about Dutchie, why?

I consider it a civic duty to aid new students.

Yeah yeah yeah, bleedin' heart,

save the whales, help the Dutchman, I get it.

Here's my advice. School's like prison.

He wants a rep?

Tell him to kick someone's ass.

Gina, not every problem can be solved through violence.

I'm not helpin' you with the dishes no more, got it?

Okay!

See Petey?

I had a problem and violence solved it.

Want me to demonstrate again?

No!

I'd appreciate it if you could keep riff-raff

like Scotty McBozo off of my doorstep.

But you're a McDougal now!

The Scottish Community

is finally inviting you into the fold.

Ya' just had to go and make me Scottish, didn't ya?

Why couldn't ya just make me Italian?

Because you'd have been too easily identified

as ex-Mafioso.

Hoh!

So Italian automatically means mob to you?

Ya racist sack a [beep].

I oughta put one in your head,

run your body through a meat grinder,

and bury ya in cement!

But I take your point.

So you'll attend the Games then?Not a chance.

If you refuse this challenge,

the Scottish-Canadian Times will brand you a coward!

You'll wind up on their "shite list"

along with other things Scottish people hate:

like the queen, underwear, and fresh vegetables!

Do you want your friends back home

to find your picture in here, Jimmy?

I guess not.

Then have fun at the games!

For Canada!

Where every culture gets a ridiculous summer fair!

[sonic boom]

♪ [pipes and drums]

Remember, everybody be cool and act like you're Scottish.

Just be crabby and cheap.

Don't worry, Jimmy.

We'll blend right in with these weirdoes.

Uncle Cheech, stay out of my closet!

That's a good colour on you.

So, ye lily-livered McDougals

grew a pair and showed up!

Welcome to the Highland Games, ya wankers!

Thank you for inviting us.

Don't get a swelled head, lass.

Every Scot in the phone-book was invited.

Right, to the kitchen with ye, Nessie.

You're on haggis duty. Go on!

Those sheep stomachs don't stuff themselves!

Blend...Augh!

To the field of combat, lads!

Or should I say lassies?

Haha!

See? Blendin' right in.

Lemme get this straight.

We gotta cook this thing's stomach?

How we gonna get it out, ma?

Same way your father did with Joey the Fink.

[grunting]

[grunts]

Ho ho, look at that! [applause]

Hammer toss! Beat tha', McDougal!

[grunts]

Y'know, this kinda reminds me

of collectin' protection money back home.

[loud crash]

[crash, car alarm]

Off the field! [laughs]

Ahh ye throw like a bloody Englishman!

Thanks Angie.

That's supposed to be an insult, ye tit!

Come here you!

[grunting]

Oww! Ahh!

[panting]

I salute you... [bleat]

[grunt]

[laughs]

Wheat Sheaf Toss!

Snack on that, McDougal.

This reminds me of the time

we threw Big Cheese Romano off the roof.

[sobbing]

Somethin's missin'.

[screaming]

Ah, there ya go.

[crash]Haha!

And ye call yerself a Scot?

When'd you change your name to Scott?

Ah! Ooh!

Oh, it's on!

[gasp] What are ye doing?

That's my girlfrien -

ah mean, my mascot!

There's a raft o' sheep stomachs in the fridge,

ya daft Marys!Oh...

Watch your back, lambchop.

[bleats]

[grunts]

[laughs]

Caber toss!

In yer face, McDougal!

This reminds me of somethin' too...

[various screams]

Huh, I guess I never killed no one

with a tree trunk before.

What? You been livin' in a cave?

[grunts]

[laughs]

Off the field again!

Victory for Clan MacTavish!

Good game, Anus.[laughs]

Jimmy, aren't ya mad he beat ya?

You're the sorest loser I know.

Did I lose, Cheech? Did I?

Ma car![alarm]

Ma house!

William!

Oh, William!

Me baby brother!

Akgh! But that's what you get

for not going to the Games, ya bastard!

Sorry Jetsie.

Who'd have guessed

the Saturday Academic Achievers Jamboree

was just a bunch of grade-grubbing dorks.

But don't worry, we'll find you some cool friends.

My sister suggested

you pick a fight with someone to get noticed.

Which is totally absurd.

Jetsie, cut it out!

That's not going to work!

Will you stop it! That's enough!

Ahh!

Aw, [beep].

Jetsie! I'm so sorry!

Wait, you forgot your teeth!

Hey everyone! Thought I'd drop in.

[laughter]

Oh look.

It's eccentric billionaire Richard Wheatthin.

Do I smell haggis. Or is that Jimmy's feet?

[laughter]

...and he brought a studio audience

to laugh at his dumb jokes.

Might I say, Cookie, you look delicious.

[raucous cheers]

Can I try a bite?

When it comes to Haggis, I'm a bit of a gastronome.

I've eaten it all around the world.

Around the world?

That would make you a gastronaut!

[crickets chirping]

Seriously? That was gold!

Mmm. Amazing!

You can barely taste the intestines!

Cookie, I have a proposition for you.

I been gettin' propositioned all day.

[laughter]

That gets a laugh?

You're a buncha dicks!

This is my Scottish restaurant, Wee Wee Wheatthin's!

For some reason, business has been slow.

But I think we can turn this place around,

with Cookie as my new executive chef!

Wow! Jimmy, what do you think?

What's to think about?

You can do this in your sleep.

But who'll run the house?I will!

How hard can it be to take care of two kids?

Three kids.

See? We'll all be learnin' new things.

Go for it. It might be fun.

In that case, Mr. Wheatthin, I accept!

To home, Betty.

I've a stirrin' in me kilt

and I'm feelin' a wee bit baaaahd.

[bleats]

I'm your new chef, Cookie McDougal.

Now, I'm a little new to Scottish cooking,

but I been doing a "wee bit" o' research,

and ah'm sure all you "lads and lassies"

will be "grrreat."

[laughs]

These have been in the freezer for three months

and you wanna serve 'em to the customers?

This is a restaurant, ya jagoff,

not a Vietcong prison camp!

[crash]

Are you sweatin' in the soup?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Ya know what?

Screw it, let's just serve 'em warmed over piss.

Squat down.

No? Then start over!

[whimpering]Ya can't cry in the kitchen!

If I see one more of you mother[beep] cryin' in here,

it's in the [beep] oven you go!

Head first!

Ya think I'm playin'?

[screaming]

And let that be a lesson to alla ya!

[♪]

[rattling]

[coughs]

[♪]

[whirring]

[plates breaking]

"Brown meat in pan."

This stuff's red, but it'll have to do.

"Add onion." Done.

Why doesn't it look like the picture?

Daddy, I need help with my homework.

I'm a little busy, but-

What's the capital of Canada?

That's easy. Capital "C."

Daddy, I only eat gluten-free. Is that gluten-free?

Don't worry, I ain't gonna charge ya.

Pop, I broke Jetsie's jaw.

Good for you, son.But he's my friend.

So you straightened out your friend, I'm proud of ya.

But I feel like a monster!

I said I'm proud of ya!

Quit fishin' for compliments!

Daddy! Can you hand-wash my bras and panties!

Hoooh! I ain't touchin' that stuff.

Pop, what's an inukshuk?

Mom does it!

Pop, is that meat sauce?

I don't eat anything with a face.

We're having face for dinner? I wanted chicken fingers!

Daddy I gotta make a solar system!

Daddy, I need clean panties!

Pop, I almost killed Jetsie!

I wanted chicken fingers!

[loud cross-talk]

Chicken fingers!

[loud scream]

That's it!

Go to bed, all of ya!

But it's only six-thirty.

I said go to bed!

[growling]

Ya know what? Change my order to face.

You too, Cheech! Bed!

But Jimmy... Do I have to take off this belt?

I'll be good!

I hope Jetsie's in school today.

I feel terrible about...

What the hell?

Aww poor little Jetsie.

Do you want another blended cheeseburger?

Hey!

There's the bully that did this to Jetsie!

Gina's wrong!

High school's not like prison.

Though I do have goo all over my face.

I bet that happens in prison.

Amazing, Cookie!

In just one week you've totally turned this place around.

How did you do it?

Get the hell outta my kitchen!

I'm tryin' to work here!

[chuckles] Now, now...

I am your boss!

Sorry! Sorry!

Mom! Pop ruined my underwear!

He made me go to bed at 6:30 last night.

I been up since 3am!

I ain't namin' no names,

but a certain fat-ass ruined my homework.

CHEECH: Jimmy I need a change!

What the hell?

Look at this freakin' place!

There's footprints on the ceiling, the TV's on fire...

and why am I standing in three feet of water?

Oh for God's sake... Where's your father?

JIMMY!

Hey Cook.

What the hell's going on here?

Nice to see you too.Look at this place.

What exactly do you do all day?

Besides work nine to five?

Okay, ten to three...

eleven to two with a long lunch.

I'm bustin' my butt at the restaurant twenty-four-seven

and you can't even keep this house goin'?

Me? What kinda mother

leaves her family starving and laundry-less

and having to figure out the capitals of Canada

all by themselves?

What about your womanly duties?

Oh of course! My womanly duties.

How could I forget?

Remind me again what those are?

Like havin' dinner ready on the table for your husband,

like it says in the Bible.

What part of the Bible says that?

You know, the part where Jesus fights the whale!

I thought this restaurant thing

was gonna be a nice little hobby.

Did you just say "nice little hobby"?

That's it. I'm outta here!

Where you goin'?

Back to work! Where I get some respect!

I respect you plenty!

It's not like I told ya to get in the kitchen,

take off your top, and make me a sandwich!

[door shuts]

Which actually sounds pretty good.

Since Cookie won't listen to reason, or the Bible,

we gotta shut this place down.

Ya know, for the good of the kids.

Kills me to see 'em neglected like that.

Special Agent McCool.

Nice of you to drop by. [chuckles]

Full disclosure Cookie,

I sometimes moonlight

as the regional health inspector...

Well, I'd offer ya a bribe,

but my kitchen is so spotless ya could eat off the floor.

Speakin' of which...

Ya done lickin' the floor yet Rodney?

Don't worry Cookie, my visit tonight

is strictly as a haggis

and cock-a-leekie-soup craving foodie.

Waiter, there's a hand in my soup.

And you're closed.

You can't do this!

Sorry, Cookie.

Wee Wee Wheathin's is now officially a crime scene.

Geez, tough break, Cook.

But hey, you had a good run. No shame in that.

McCOOL: Oh, for shame!

There's a foot in the salad bar!

You're a great chef. You deserve success.

And you woulda had it, but what are ya gonna do?

It's the unpredictable hand of fate.

Actually, it was the hand of Lorenzo.

What I'm sayin' is, maybe this is a sign.

That your place is at home.

With your family. And their laundry.

You're right, Jimmy.

Nothing to do now but take my failed ass home.

Bada-bing!

[singing happily]

What the hell?

Excuse me, sir. Do you have a reservation?

What are ya talkin' about? Theresa, it's me.

This is my house.Nope!

This is Mighty McDougal's House of Haggis!

You turned our house into a restaurant?

Ya said ya wanted me home, so I came home.

But it ain't fair to my customers to shut down,

so I brought 'em with me.

Thanks for being so supportive, sweetheart.

I do not remember being supportive.

And I do not remember you having a reservation.

Cheech, will ya look at what Cookie's done to this place!

I know!

If I do a good job, I could make dishwasher!

Gina, how 'bout gettin' the old man some food?

I'm starvin' here!

No can do, Pop. We're full up.

I'll getcha a shrimp cocktail.

And a beer?

No dice.

All we gots here is Rob Roys.

Can we get a Heineken, spritzer, and a Fuzzy Navel?

Three Rob Roys, comin' up.

For the last time, I do not wanna buy a [beep] rose!

Finally, a little peace and quiet.

[shivering]

WOMAN 1: ...I'm like, ohmigod, seriously?

And he's like, totes seriously!

WOMAN 2: Wow, so you do have genital warts!

JIMMY: That's it![both scream]

Restaurant's closed![gasping]

You want a doggie bag? Bag this!

[screaming]

Hey jagoff, soup's on! [screaming]

Jimmy! Have you lost your freakin' mind?

I can't stand it no more, Cook!

I tried bein' supportive,

but this restaurant thing is tearin' our house apart!

Schwah-sch-

Baby, I need you.

The kids need you.

Shut down this circus and let's be a family again.

But you said I was great.

You said I deserved success.

And now you're runnin' around

like a freakin' animal killin' my business!

We're shuttin' this place down too?

Ah well, beats sawin' off hands.

Ah, crap.

That was you?

How could ya do that to me?

Cookie, I'm sorry! I was losing my mind!

Ya don't know how hard it is to run a household on your own!

I don't?

Ya looked after the house for a week, Jimmy!

I been doin' it sixteen years!

Enjoy sleepin' on the couch, mister.

'Cause you ain't getting nowhere

near my meat locker tonight.

That's kind of a weird thing to call your va-

Oh, you mean the bedroom.

Ahh!

If ya want this shrimp cocktail,

you're gonna have to throw some pants on.

[sigh]

Cookie's miserable and I feel terrible.

That's marriage for ya.

Whaddaya gonna do?

She was happy workin' at the restaurant and we blew it.

I gotta go make this right.

How much righter can ya get?

She's back in the kitchen where she belongs.

She WAS in a kitchen, ya moron!

And I'm puttin' her back there.

Jimmy, she's already there!

Cheech, maybe sit this one out, alright?

Fine by me.

I want off this freakin' emotional roller coaster anyway!

Alright. Whaddaya want?

I've realized that prison rules don't apply in Canada.

Here, people reward the victim, not the aggressor.

If I want to be surrounded by girls like Jetsie,

I need to get my ass kicked.

Wait a second, you want me to beat you up?

In front of girls?

I want some of the action he's getting!

What better way to gain sympathy

than by being unjustly trounced by a thug?

Petey, think this through...

Hurry up! [Come on, hit me!

No! Get lost, ya whack-job!

Come on, just a few good shots!

Real quick! Give me what I want!

Let go of me, ya freakin' psycho!

[gasp]

Now Jetsie's bully is assaulting a little girl!

Get him!

[grunting]

Hey, what are you doing?

What? When in Rome...

[grunting]

Okay what are we doing here?

McCool called.

Said there was a major situation happening.

Jimmy, what's going on?

And why are you dressed like an undertaker?

Good evening, Chef Cookie.

Welcome to the reopened Wee Wee Wheatthins.

I'll be your new Matron Dee.

Good news, Cookie.

Your husband helped us solve the mystery

of the severed hand.

[whispers] Help!

Thanks to Jimmy, you're back in business!

Aw, Jimmy!

You big, sweet moron, you.

Sorry I messed things up for ya, Cook.

It's kind of slow tonight, only two customers.

It's eight thirty, the place should be packed!

Maybe they heard about the hand in the soup.

People talk, ya know.

Or maybe it was the fat naked hairy guy

hittin' people with his junk.

Hmm... I was worried this might happen.

You see Cookie, Haggis is strictly a novelty food.

People only ever try it once,

usually under the influence of alcohol.

So there won't be any repeat customers?

Not a one.

I'm afraid Wee Wee Wheatthin's has run its course.

Then why'd you bother re-opening?

Yeah, why'd I get my hopes up?

What can I say?

For me Scottish food can be very...

"haggis forming".

[laughter]

Give it a rest!

You and your stupid restaurant

just about ruined my marriage.

Well, I guess I ain't a cook no more.

Baby, in the kitchen of my heart,

you'll always be head chef.

[audience 'Aw's]

A round of drinks for everyone!

We're celebratin' the birth of me son!

[bleats]