Original subtitles

Finally.

It's about freakin' time I get to tell my story.

In case you're deaf, blind,

or not into smokin' hot chicks,

I'm Theresa Falcone.

When I was younger,

I used to love "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day".

The guys at Dad's work were so much fun.

There was Frankie No-Fingers.

Such a klutz,

but boy could he thumb-wrestle!

And Johnny Calculator used to help me

with my counting homework.

See Theresa?

X minus Y equals Z.

I'm supposed to be doin' math,

not spelling.

And Freddy Chuckles was always good for a laugh.

Hey hey, Theresa.

Smell my flower.

(Sniffing)

(Sneezing)

Aw look.

I'm all wet.

(Sexy music playing)

(Music stops abruptly)

Theresa, get in the car.

THERESA: I never saw those guys again.

Now that we're livin' in Regina,

I really miss the guys from Pop's work.

Whatever happened to them?

Nothin'.

They just got "froze" outta the business.

(Chuckling)

What was that, Daddy?

Nothin'. Fugget about it.

But you just said--

Yeah, I said FUGGET ABOUT IT!

* Let me tell you something *

* 'bout a friend or ours named Jimmy *

* made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini *

* When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech *

* He take the boss,

* He threw him from the 19th floor suite *

* Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead *

* So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds *

* the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn *

* So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan *

* Fugget about it

* Fugget about it

* Fugget about it

(Grunting)

Anything yet?

Little more!

Alright, that's perfect.

TV ANNOUNCER: GANGSTER TV!

All gangsters, all the time!

Good job, kid.

Now get down here!

PETEY: Woa-woahhh!

But be careful, it's slippery.

What's all the racket?

Yeah, I can barely hear myself think.

What was I thinkin' about?

Oh yeah.

Boobs.

Everybody get in here!

I'm gonna be on TV!

You're gonna be on TV?

It's like I'm livin' with John Stamos over here.

I never been on TV before.

Unless they were callin' me a 'possible suspect'.

Or 'alleged perpetrator'.

It made me so proud.

Jimmy, you think they'll get Bobby DeNiro to play you?

Or someone sexy

like that froggy-faced guy from Aerosmith!

She's a guy?

I been whackin' off to him for years.

Nah, it's a documentary.

I'll be playin' myself.

Next on Gangster TV:

Jimmy Falcone: Diary of a Dirty Snitch.

WHAT?!

Jimmy Falcone was a Capo in the Gambini crime family,

until this self-serving scumbag

killed his boss and sold out his mob cronies.

Sold out?!

The Feds never paid me a red cent!

Every gutter-king needs his queen,

so Jimmy married former stripper

Cookie DeFazio.

This good-time floozy latched onto Jimmy

like a pitbull on a trailer park toddler.

(Sexy stripping music)

How'd the hell did they get a video of me strippin'?

So that's where that tape wound up!

But Jimmy had a fatal flaw

who went by the name of Cheech;

an idiot man-child

whose bumbling almost got them all killed.

Can't argue there.

I can't watch anymore!

They made us look like scumbags!

Hey, it wasn't so bad.

They got our names right.

Ah, who am I kiddin'?

It was a smear job!

We weren't scumbags, were we Jimmy?

Remember the classy people who used to come by the house?

Joey Dirtbag, Larry the Pimp,

Paulie the Pornographer.

Back home we was like royalty!

Aw, you'll always be royalty to me, Cook.

Now c'mon.

Let's go fish the dead rats out of the septic tank.

(Wailing)

That's for callin' me a man-child!

Jimmy, I wanna juice-box!

Big news from Student Council President Petey!

Wayne Gretzky High

has sponsored an endangered polar bear.

(Sappy music playing)

After global warming tragically melted his ice floe,

Blumpkin was forced to swim for five months,

no home, no food, no hope for the fut--

Quit it!

I'm trying to make a speech here.

But no longer!

Because our money will help Blumpkin find a new floe!

Petey, did you slash the Prom committee budget

to pay for this poodle bear?

Not yet I haven't.

Well, you better not!

We have a big wish list this year.

Glad to see we're being reasonable.

Petey McDougal?

Sign here. Oooh, I love big packages!

And that's why you're goin' to Prom alone.

(Roaring)

Holy crap, Petey.

You didn't sponsor it.

You bought it.

(Roaring)

Eew! (Coughing)

That teddy bear stinks!

That's not the bear...

Attention everyone,

I have a very important announcement

so I need everyone's undivided attention.

Please listen carefully to every word I say.

(Jimmy thinking) Who do those Gangster TV gavones think they are?

I'd like to go over there

and teach 'em a lesson they won't forget.

That two-bit hack job you showed about my family

made my wife cry.

Now say hello to my little friend.

(Speaking in indiscernible language)

(Grunting)

(Grunting)

(Grunting)

(Laughing)

They'll never see that one comin'.

Uh, Jimmy?

Did you get all that?

What?! Oh, sure.

Sure. Every last bit.

So you're clear we'll be hosting a VIP?

Yep. VIP.

Most Valuable Player.

Got it. Hahaha! Jimmy, you kidder.

It's Very Important Person.

For security reasons,

we will only refer to the VIP by their secret code name.

"Spotted Dick".

I need you to get in touch with Spotted Dick's people

and tell them where the dinner is, okay?

Say, is this VIP important enough

that if they was to come to dinner,

my wife would be impressed?

Oh she'd be more than impressed, Jimmy.

'Nuff said!

(Dialling)

How ya doin'?

Jimmy McDougal from Regina Tourism.

Tell Spotty Dick the dinner's at 123 Jim Carrey Lane.

And tell the VIP it's BYOB.

Cook! Guess what?!

Flowers?

What're ya bringin' me flowers f--

Who'd ya sleep with?!

I'll kill her!

Then I'll kill you!

Then I'll mount both your heads on stakes

to teach the kids what we do with cheaters.

Sorry, Jimmy.

I'm still upset about that stupid movie.

Well I got just the thing.

We're havin' a VIP over for dinner!

Just like the good ol' days.

Aw, Jimmy.

Whatsamatter with you?

You invite someone for dinner and you don't tell me?

Who the hell is this VIP anyway?

Yes sir, I'm here!

Jimmy, regarding the dinner for Spotted Dick.

(Doorbell ringing)

Oh, so McCool knows about it?

Why am I the last one to know anything around here?!

JIMMY: Why you gettin' so mad?!

What's the big deal?!

Just a second hon, okay?

The big deal is I haven't cleaned,

there ain't a thing in the fridge.

And look at me! My hair's a disaster!

Don't worry! We'll order in.

And your hair--

I don't know what to tell ya.

What the hell's that supposed to mean?

You sayin' I got bad hair?

Jimmy, Cookie, shush!

Stay outta this, McCool.

Cook, I didn't say ya got bad hair,

I just said ya don't got no time to do nothin' about it.

Oh, so now I'm fat and lazy.

You believe this jagoff?

JIMMY: Whoa, Cook, relax.

Why you gotta get so personal?

None of us is 22 any more.

Oh, so now I'm old!

Let me tell ya somethin', ya fat sack of (Bleep)!

I beg your pardon?

BOTH: WHAT?!

Is this 123 Jim Carrey lane?

Your Majesty, if I may--

"Your Majest--"

Holy (Bleep)!

The VIP is the Queen of freakin' England?!

Your Majesty, my apologies.

You were given the wrong address.

Now if you'll just follow me.

Nonsense, officer.

I'm in the right place.

And I'd rather like to see how this turns out.

Let me give you the Royal tour.

This is the grand foy-yer,

that's the blue drawing room.

And the throne's just down the hall if ya need it.

Be a pal and light a match when you're done.

Ho-oh!

Ain't this the broad on the twenty?

You are correct.

It is me.

You wanna sign this for me?

And these.

McCool, what the hell you still doin' here?

What am I doing here?

The question of the day--

Nay, the question of the century is

what is the Queen doing here?!

Hey, don't look at me.

With a code name like Spotted Dick,

it coulda been anyone in Hollywood.

Jimmy,

do you have any idea of the vast importance of this dinner?

Canada's place in the Commonwealth of Nations

rests on tonight.

Speak American.

Jimmy do bad.

Alright now we're communicatin'.

Jimmy do bad how?

The Commonwealth is a collection of countries

loyal to Her Majesty the Queen.

Y'mean that old broad owns a whole collection of countries?

I dunno. You'd think she'd dress better.

Yes, you would,

but recent austerity measures

have forced her to cut one nation from the Commonwealth.

Word is it's either going to be Canada or Tonga.

Tonga?!

Is that where they make the trucks?

No, it's a country in the South Pacific!

The odds are against us, and you're making them worse.

They have coconuts, Jimmy!

Coconuts!

You tellin' me the Falcones aren't good enough

for some stuffy Queen?

That's exactly what I'm telling you!

At the very least, try to be classy.

Hey, no problemo.

We got classy comin' out the freakin' wazoo here!

(Sighing)

I can't believe the fate of Canada

rests on what comes out of your wazoo.

(Barking)

(Grunting)

(Roaring)

Well Blumpkin, I think you're a hit.

The kids all love you.

Except maybe for Stumpy,

who should've known better

than to get so close to your cage.

(Barking)

(Grunting)

You're feeding him baby seals?

What?! They were out of baby dolphins.

Aren't those expensive?

What about Prom!

Who cares about Prom?!

Blumpkin's on the endangered list.

Horny teenagers are not.

You're gonna be endangered

if you spend all the Prom money.

There's only one way to settle this.

President Petey will put it to a vote!

(Growling sadly) Don't worry, Blumpkin.

The students will do the right thing.

After all, who couldn't love that face?

Ew.

Not that face, the other one.

A drink fit for royalty.

Mmm, what's in it?

Crown Royal and Royal Cola.

It's got a kick like a (Bleep)ing mule.

Oh, my.

Perhaps we should cut cocktail hour short

and go straight to dinner?

We will!

As soon as the pizza gets here.

Splendid! We'll just wait for the--

-- PIZZA?!

JIMMY: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Yo Queen! Scooch down.

Make room for the uninvited guest.

Thank you, officer.

Ma'am.

Gina, we got company!

Maybe our guest would like to wear the Pepperoni King crown?

What are ya kiddin', Pop?

She's a Queen!

She's got plenty of crowns, don't ya?

You heard your father, young lady!

Fine. Here. Throw it on the pile.

No, no, no.

One always waits for the Queen to dine first.

Sure, sure.

Liz, grab a slice.

It looks delicious,

but I rarely eat at these "events".

All right then. More for me!

Watch your (Bleep)in' manners in front of the Queen.

(Gasping)

So, Your Harness,

do you and James Bond still keep in touch?

And how do I get me one of them a licenses to kill?

(Chuckling)

There's no such thing as a license to kill!

Or so they'd have you think.

COOKIE: Jesus, Petey!

You smell like a slaughterhouse.

I never thought I'd say this,

but I had a long day bludgeoning seals.

Who is this person?!

This is my boy Petey.

Petey, this here's the Queen.

Barbaric rituals such as bludgeoning innocent seals

cast a dim light on Canada's future in the Commonwealth.

Oh, I'm sure it seems cruel

to an entitled monarch like yourself,

but I got a polar bear to feed,

Your Irrelevance.

Jimmy?

A word?

Now?!

This evening is a total disaster!

You're serving pizza,

Petey just insulted the Queen,

and you're not even wearing shoes!

How can I put this so you'll understand...

Say this was The Godfather .

Which part?

'Cause if you mean three, I don't wanna talk about it.

Jimmy, focus.

Think of the Queen as Vito Corleone.

and you're Fredo.

Holy crap!

So she's like a Don?

Jimmy, for Canada, she's the Don of all Dons.

Whoa. You think someone woulda mentioned

she's a very important person.

Don Liz.

I just been informed of your importance

to the organization

and I wanna offer my most humble apologies.

You may rise.

Look, we been acting like a buncha morons.

Why don't we start over,

and I'll show ya how we entertain

a person of your statue.

Break out the grappa!

Jimmy, I don't think this is a good idea--

These good people have opened their home to me

and I would like to enjoy their hospitality.

Your Majesty--

Enough of your blathering and hectoring!

Away with you!

You heard the broad.

Away with ya!

Yes ma'am.

Hello? Tonga Police?

Are you accepting resumes?

(Lively music playing)

ALL: WOAH!

(All laughing)

So Your Majesty,

will Prince Harry be joining us?

I don't know, my dear.

Let me call him.

Really?

Certainly not.

Hahahaha-- Got you! Haha!

(All laughing)

Oh, my!

Let me get this straight.

Your family's been in power for, like, a hundred years.

How'd ya pull that off?!

Sometimes one must rule with an iron fist.

Spoken like a true tyrant.

Spoken like a true nobody.

Iron fist.

No fingerprints.

You sure you ain't from Brooklyn?

Oh my!

(All laughing)

(Laughing)

(Gunshot firing)

(Gunshots firing)

Aah!

(Lively music continues)

What the hell happened last night?

I can't feel my tongue.

I can't hear you on accounta all this pounding!

I got this naggin' feelin' somethin' bad happened.

(Barking)

I gotta tell ya, Pop.

Far as I'm concerned the Queen's our kinda people!

Oh crap!

The Queen!

Hahaha.

Remember when Cheech and her did the lambada?

Who knew she could go so low?!

(All laughing)

Remember when she knighted us?

The ceremony was a lot like gettin' Made.

Only more blood.

(All laughing)

Remember when she called up Bucket Ham Palace

and told them to go screw themselves?!

That she was evacuatin'?!

'Cept she didn't say evacuatin '.

She said some other word.

She said abdicatin '.

It means she quits.

Don't you people (Bleep)in' read?

What's that, Gina?

Talk in my good ear.

Uh, Your Hydrant,

did you quit bein' the Queen last night?

Indeed I did.

Last night's revelries finally opened my eyes.

I wish to live out the rest of my days as a--

What do you call it again?

A regular schnook?

Precisely.

Hey McCool.

Hey? Hey?!

The Queen of England is abdicating her throne

and all you can say is "Hey"?

What?!

We had a few too many last night.

Oh good for you!

And now we're on the verge of an international crisis.

She's the Queen!

She can't just leave the royal family.

Not until she dies.

Whoa.

She really is like a Don.

If word gets out that she's here,

this house will be swarmed with news cameras.

I need you to take care of her

until we can figure something out.

Got it.

I'll "take care" of her.

No Jimmy!

Just keep her in the house,

keep her happy,

and above all, keep her out of sight.

Understood?

What's that for?

Lookin' after the Don ain't cheap.

Keep it comin'.

(Ringing)

Why did I look? Why did I look?!

Oh!

You have a gentle touch, James.

My pleasure, Your Highball.

Why did I look?

Why did I look?!

As royal taster,

I gotta tell ya.

This ain't good.

Good heavens!

James? James?!

Oh, so now Sir Jimmy's too good for my cookin'?!

Jimmy, what's this?

Ya robbed a jewelry store?

Without me?!

Nah, the ol' broad's got me polishin' her jewels.

What?! Like you ain't thinkin' about it right now?

Cut it out.

Ah, you're no fun.

Really, Cheech? Really?

No hablo ingles .

Get outta here.

C'mon, she ain't gonna miss one little necklace.

Yes she will.

Now scram.

Just let me try on one, Jimmy.

No!

I'm responsible for these.

Anything goes missin',

the Queen said she'd lock me in a tower.

Now, you're not even tryin', Cheech!

Who's this Cheech of what you speak?

All right, everybody out!

No one comes in this room.

Hmph!

Mm-mm!

Just givin' it the ol' spit shine...

(Whistle blowing)

It's time to vote.

All in favour

of saving this most majestic and endangered creature,

raise their hands.

All in favour of saving Prom?

This is bad.

What do I do? What do I do?!

(Queen's voice) Sometimes one must rule with an iron fist...

iron fist...

iron fist... iron fist...

You elected me to lead, and lead I shall!

Screw the Prom!

I'm cancelling it for your own good.

Get him! Get outta here!

Where'd you get pitchforks and torches?

Violent revolution is very un-Canadian, people!

(Barking)

All right, boys.

Do your business.

I can't believe this,

I went my whole life without havin' to clean up after a dog.

Ugh!

Ah, look at the bright side.

At least it's a small dog.

(Barking, splatting noise)

Yeah, keep smilin'.

If you wasn't so connected,

I'd put a (Bleep)ing bullet in you.

That's it, Liz!

I can't do this no more!

Whatever are you talking about, James?

Look.

I know you think living like a schnook is all good times,

but you gotta get back to your ol' life

before someone, and I'm not namin' any dogs', gets hurt.

But for the first time in years,

I feel like I can breathe.

No schedules, no international crises,

no buck-toothed politicians looking for a pat on the back

from a substitute mother figure.

C'mon, Liz.

You're the Queen of freakin' England.

Ya can snap your fingers and get room to breathe.

My subjects expect so much of me, James.

Yeah, well, sometimes ya gotta make sacrifices

for the gooder great--

Greater good.

Yeah that's the one.

Look at me.

I gave up my whole life for the sake of my family.

GINA: No, ya didn't!

Ya ran like a scared little snitch

to save your rat ass--

Go to your room!

I'm already goin', snitch!

Alls I'm sayin' is,

sometimes ya gotta give the people what they want.

Even if it means givin' up what you want.

All right, all right!

I'll give them their God damn Prom!

Get off my freakin' back!

James, your son appears to be angry...

and bleeding.

Ah teenagers. What're ya gonna do?

In any case, thanks to your rousing speech,

I have decided to return to my Royal duties.

Yes!

Hello? Tonga Police?

I'd like to cancel my interview tomorrow.

Oh, now you tell me the precinct has an ocean view!

Going with Prom was the right thing to do.

The arctic theme's a nice touch.

It was inspired by Blumpkin.

Besides, Hawaiian Luau is so overdone.

So what's gonna happen to Blumpkin after tonight?

He's going to live out his days at the Winnipeg Zoo,

in an eight-by-ten cage,

with all the anti-depressants he can handle.

But, I thought you cared about him.

You wanted a Prom, you got a Prom!

Leave it at that!

In the meantime,

he really adds to the atmosphere,

don't you think?

(Blumpkin roaring)

(Kids screaming)

Up for a movie?

Popcorn's on me.

I recently spent some time with a delightful Canadian family,

the McDougals.

Their grace, gentility, and dare I say, class,

reaffirms my commitment

to keeping Canada firmly in the Commonwealth.

Haha!

Suck on those coconuts, Tonga!

Did ya hear that, Jimmy?

She said we was classy.

Yeah, but she said the McDougals,

not the Falcones.

Don't worry.

The McDougals saved Canada.

What'd the freakin' Falcones do for us lately?

Well they did get Gangster TV booted off the air

due to low ratings.

There's still one tiny problem.

After the press conference,

the Queen failed to show up at her hotel.

Any idea where she could be?

Jimmy said ya needed some breathin' room.

How do ya like them apples?

Breathtaking.

(Propellers whirring) That would be my ride.

Thank you, Francesco...

and farewell.

Gimme a call, willya?

Yo Liz, you gonna call me or what?

Never mind!

(Whirring overhead)

Ah well, we'll always have Regina.