Original subtitles

How'ya doin'? I'm Jimmy McDougal.

Used to be Jimmy Falcone.

I may be livin' like a jerk in witness protection,

but back in the day, I was a Made guy;

I was the head of a crew and no one could touch me.

Basically, I had it made.

It's a funny story how that happened...

This one night, they told me to keep Don Gambini

away from his house 'cause his wife

was throwin' him a surprise birthday party.

Everyone's actin' all weird and secretive, Jimmy.

I'm tellin' ya, somethin's goin' on.

If I screwed up the surprise

his wife would kill me...literally.

She was built like a lumberjack.

And she was real good with an axe.

Anyway, I should get goin'...

We just got here, boss.

At least finish your drink.

Hey, look!

Lookit Cheech go!

Hahaha

[grunts]

I could swear I just finished that.

JIMMY: The thing about the Don was

he got jumpy when he drank too much....

Who did that? I'll plug ya, ya rat!

But I got him home in time, just like I was supposed to.

CROWD: Surprise!

[screaming]

[groaning]

I guess the "surprise" was on them.

[gun clicks]

The Don took out so many guys that night,

I wound up gettin' Made!

But if you think I still got it made here in Regina...

Fugget about it!

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss,

♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

Oh! Fugget about it!

MWAH!

Oooh, someone's in a good mood!

What can I say?

The sun's up, the sky's blue,

and me and Cheech are goin' to the track.

My money's on Third in the fifth.

Who the hell names a horse "Third" anyway?

Isn't there somethin' you want to say to me, Jimmy?

What's for breakfast?

No, somethin' else...

Uhmmmm uhh...

Oh, right. Ya got your hair done.

Looks good.

No I didn't, ya moron!

You got no idea what I'm talkin' about, do ya?

Have a nice freakin' day at the track!

I hope a horse craps on ya!

Me too! It's good luck!

You get the feelin' Cookie was mad?

What are ya talkin' about?

She said have a nice freakin' day at the track, didn't she?

[horse whinnies]

Get a load of this.

McCool's bringin' me flowers.

Don't be silly, Jimmy. These aren't for you.

They're for Cookie.

Hold up there Kimosabe.

You wanna explain why you're bringin' my wife flowers?

And believe me, there's no right answer to that question.

Hahaha Jimmy, your sense of humor

is like a fresh breeze off the Canadian Rockies.

Do I look like I'm jokin'?

Seriously, tell me, 'cause I can't see my own face.

What a card you are, Jimmy! These are for Cookie's birthday.

Oh crap.

Listen, ya gotta help me out! Gimme those flowers.

Certainly not!

I cultivated, picked, and arranged these myself.

Well, would ya look at that!

Special Agent McCool remembered

what Mister what's-for- breakfast over here forgot!

Thank you, McCool.

You are most welcome.

Many happy returns, Cookie.

For Canada, where no one forgets your birthday!

...unless his name's Jimmy McDougal.

Whoa, Cook, ya got it all wrong.

I know it's your birthday!

I got a, uh, big surprise planned for ya.

Is that so?

Well, I'm callin' your bluff. Gimme those.

You're not pullin' together some crappy gift at the last minute.

Cook, I got a surprise planned like you wouldn't believe.

Prepare to have your mind blown.

Yeah, well prepare to never get blown again.

I know a load of bulls--- when I hear it.

[door slams] [horn honks]

Jimmy, if we're not goin' to the track, can you let me out?

Petey, why are my Cosmo pages all stuck together?

Whoa, what are you doing?

I realized what my biggest problem is

when it comes to girls.

That you're a complete loser?

No, not that.

The problem is, I don't know how to break the ice.

So...I built a robot to do it for me.

You sure that's a good idea?

Last time you built one it didn't work out so well.

First rule of Robot Fight Club: Build a robot.

[gears whirring]

Second rule of Robot Fight Club:

program that Robot to fight!

[beeping]

[gears whirring]

[gasps]

[whimpering]

[beeping]

Peteybot is programmed to meet, charm, and disarm girls.

Then I step in to seal the deal.

That won't work. He's still you.

Just wait until you hear him say something suave.

Some-thing suave...

[chuckles]

Petey, aren't you going to introduce me

to your robot friend?

Ew!

So ya forgot Cookie's birthday? Big deal.

She has one almost every year. She'll get over it.

Oh yeah?

Remember the time I spent in the hospital back in New York?

Sure, when those jagoffs

from the Vanucci crew plugged ya.

It wasn't the Vanuccis. It was Cookie.

I forgot our anniversary and she put one in me.

That was Cookie? Marone!

We went to war with the Vanuccis over that one!

I know.Lotta lives were lost, Jimmy.

Yeah, I get it, Cheech.

I mean some of our best guys -

Drop it will ya!

Fine. I gotta get ready anyways.

For what?

I needed some "me" time,

so I got a ticket to this all-gal revue.

All-gal revue?

You mean, like strippers?

Nah, it's classy.

Dinner and a show.

Like the nightclubs in the old days

before they all turned into discos.

Dinner and a show? That's perfect!

Cookie loves that kinda crap!

I'll order tickets right now.

Gimme your laptop.No can do.

It broke.

Alright, let's see some nakeds!

Holy s---, it's Cheech Falcone!

No it ain't!

Okay, it is. How ya been, Carmine?

I'm gonna get ya, ya stinkin' rat!

Missed me, ya sonofabitch!

Alright, listen.

I've had a crush on her for weeks,

but I've never been able to talk to her.

Go introduce yourself,

charm the pants off her, and set up a date.

Affirmative. Remove girl's pants.

No, that's just an expression! Come here.

I will charm the girl.

That's better. Go get her!

This is gonna be great.

Goodbye loneliness, goodbye Cosmo magazine.

Goodbye crinkly socks. [giggling]

Yes, it worked!

No! It worked too well!

How is she Frenching him? He doesn't even have a tongue.

"Broken Hips and Wrinkly Lips: A Geriatric Revue".

I don't know how you did it,

but this is definitely a surprise.

I gotta admit I'm kinda hurt ya didn't trust me, Cook.

Gimme two. Good seats.

Three hundred bucks.

Three hundred bucks?

Man, I should become a scalper...

Is that word offensive to you people?

Not at all.

Five hundred bucks.

♪ Hysterecto-me!

♪ Hysterecto-you

♪ Hysterecto-me!

♪ Hysterecto-you!

[applause]

What a show!

What? Huh? Oh yeah.

Bravo.

I loved it!

Especially that one song, "Hot Flashdance."

I liked the number where they fell and couldn't get up.

It really spoke to me.

Let's go backstage, Jimmy! I wanna get an autograph.

You comin'?

Nah, I'm gonna head home and see what I can do

with the hole I blew in my laptop.

If there's a tie on my door, don't come in.

This job must be so much fun.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be on Broadway.

When I was a kid,

I wanted to extort the unions on Broadway.

[gasp] Jimmy?

Are you Jimmy Falcone?

What? No! You got the wrong guy!

I don't know no Jimmy Falcone.

Aw crap, we been recognized.

Go call McCool.Alright.

But if it comes down to it and ya gotta whack her...

get me an autograph first.

Listen lady, if I was you,

I'd have a senior moment and forget you ever saw me.

It's me, kid.

It's you? You who?

Me! Your Pop. Sal Falcone.

Listen ya sick maniac, my Pop is dead...

and I'm not Jimmy Falcone!

Drop the act, Jimmy.

I know you're in witness protection.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna rat out my own son.

I hate to break it to ya, looney tunes,

but my father was a man.

Not anymore, I ain't.

C'mere, kid!

So, it's probably wrong

that I have a boner right now isn't it?

Look lady, I got no idea who you are,

but there's no freakin' way you're Jimmy's father.

Yeah, my pop disappeared when I was thirteen.

We all figured the Tortellini family offed him.

And I hate to keep harpin' on this, but he wasn't a broad!

I swear on the eyes of my only son -

which is you -

that I used to be Sal Falcone.

Okay, "Sal Falcone", what was my mother's name?

Appolonia Maria Theresa Falcone.

Lucky guess. What about her maiden name?

Bocchino.Not bad.

Okay, so when was I born?

A little too soon after the wedding,

[chuckles] if ya know what I mean.

This is crazy.

Are you an actual woman, or just dressed up like one?

Lemme explain.

Jimmy, I loved your mother.

She was a beautiful woman...

...but deep down,

I always felt like a broad trapped inside a man's body.

Of course, the mob don't look too kindly

on that kinda thing.

I hadda be careful.

It was startin' to affect my work.

I couldn't stop. I started takin' stupid risks.

I knew if I got caught, my friends would whack me.

[♪]

So I left to start a new life

where I could finally, surgically, become a woman...

Since then, I been livin' as Sally Manero.

That's quite a... I mean... What?

McDougals, down! Down! DOWN!

Hey, what's the big idea?

Alright, we've neutralized the threat.

You're safe for now.

I'll take her downtown, grill her, and assess the situation.

Don't worry, Jimmy, Canada has your back!

I don't know about you but I need a drink.

Make mine a double. Then double it.

What are you doing here?

I am waiting for my date.

I'm the one who's supposed to go on the dates.

You're supposed to step aside and let me jump in.

When the time is right.

When is that going to be?

Indeterminate.

Need additional data.

Come on, you're just jerking me around.

Indeterminate.

Need additional data.

This is not what I programmed you for.

[bell rings]

Hide. Here she comes.

Your presence is agreeable.

Is that a new hat?

[gears whirring]

Aw, come on!

Should I jump in now?

Not yet.

Now?Not yet.

[bed squeaking, moaning]

Now?

Not yet.

[robotic moaning]

[moaning]

Why did I make him anatomically correct?

[horse whinnies]So, what'd she say?

Good news, Jimmy!

There's absolutely no risk of her informing on you.

In fact, she's in more danger from the mob than you are.

You merely broke a blood oath

that you swore on your life to uphold.

She turned into a lady. They hate that.

[angry grunt]

Don't be that way, Jimmy.

She's a delightful person,

with a wonderful sense of humour,

and a sparkling personality.

Don't get any ideas, big guy.

So now what?

Do you make her disappear, or do I?

Disappear? Au contraire.

I suggest you spend some time with her

before she leaves town.

I, too, lost my father at a young age,

and not a day goes by

I don't wish for a chance to speak to him again.

To say, "Father, why do you care more

about huffing gasoline and chasing Thai ladyboys

than you do your own son?"

But alas, I cannot.

This is a gift, Jimmy. Open it.

I think I'll just return it for store credit.

Family is for life. All sales are final.

For Canada, where it's not gay to be with a transgender!

Heyy-yyyy! [hiccup]

It's four-fifteen and you're drunk?

I had some soup at lunch.

And it was so good!

And then a bunch of my friends were having soup...

And then it just got crazy.

[hiccup] Crazy!

That soup is so f---ing good!

You know your robot

is nailing anything that moves at school.

What?

He broke up with Sheila, then started seeing Jenna.

He broke up with her and saw Anna for a while

and now he's fooling around with Kelly.

[hiccup] Dude is a playa.

You should get in on that action.

[hiccup] I'm gonna hurl.

Listen Buster, I programmed you to get me a girlfriend.

Not to bang every girl in school!

According to Peteybot's calculations

the only chance of you having a girlfriend

is if Peteybot has one for you.

That's insane!

What can I say?

Playa's gonna play, haters gonna hate. Yo!

Hey Grampama Sal,

when you turned into a lady, did the operation hurt?

What operation, kid? I went into a coccoon.

[laughter]

Hey, whose car is in the -

Gotta go.Not so fast, Jimmy.

Oh my God Daddy, your daddy is so much fun!

You got lovely kids here, Jimmy.

What the hell is he/she doing here?

I went to apologize for gettin' her arrested,

we got to talkin', and I realized... she's family.

So what? Now every Tom, no-dick, and Sally

who shows up is family?

Give her a chance, will ya?No thanks.

You get your ass over there

and enjoy your goddamn family!

No!Jimmy, where ya goin'?

Don't run out.What?

Like you did to me?

What an a--hole!

Pull over!

We need to talk!No!

[tires squeal]

We got some things to work out.

No we don't!

[tires squeal]

C'mon kid, we gotta deal with this!

I don't gotta do nothin'!

[loud whirring]

[sputtering]

Ahh!

Oh! [grunts]

[horn honks]

Jimmy can you-

[grunts]HEY!

This ain't over, Jimmy!

Dammit, I chipped a nail.

That's for not calling me!

That's for sleeping with my sister!

That's from my mom!

[groans]

Your presence is agreeable...

[groans]

The guy's a machine!

NEWSCASTER: ...police deny the helicopter crash

had anything to do with a recent epidemic

[door opens] of teenage drunkenness.

Hey, when is Grandpama Sal gonna visit again?

She's gonna show me how to off a guy with a scrunchie.

She ain't comin' back to this house.

You kiddin' me? Why not?

I don't want her around ya.

You're takin' away the one woman

I can actually learn something useful from?

What?

You're seriously robbin' me

of the only strong female role model in my life?

I'm standin' right here!

Gina, I'm your father

and I can rob ya of whatever the hell I want!

Jimmy, that's enough!

Don't listen to him, Gina.

Go get yourself a cookie.

What's the matter with you?

Are you gonna crap on everyone

just 'cause your father changed into a woman?

That's his freakin' business.

What am I gonna do, change him back?

So what are you pissed off about?

I'm pissed off because he left me!

He never even said goodbye.

Why, what did I do?

Was there somethin' wrong with me?

Wasn't I good enough?

Oh Jimmy, it wasn't your fault!

Jesus Christ.

What is this, an after-school special?

Hey Gina! Get down here!

There's someone who wants to see you...

Grandpama Sal's here?

No, better than that.

I'm real sorry for yellin' at you...

so I got ya a pony!

What the hell I need a pony for?

Because you're the best little girl in the world

and you deserve it.

I don't want a pony.

Sure you do. It's great.

You can comb her hair, have tea parties, ride her around...

You don't know me at all, do ya Pop?

Of course I do.

What kind of father would I be

if I didn't know my little girl?

Come on, give 'er a spin.

I don't wanna. It smells like Cheech's room.

Just try it, will ya?

Heh, over here, here boy, here horse, here pony!

C'mon pony, c'mon!

C'mon, you f---ing horse!

[grunts]

Ah!

[grunts]

[whinnies]

Whoa! Whoa!Whoa!

You tryin' to kill me, Pop?

What the hell's the matter with you?

Have fun, sweetie!

F--- you!

I am a good father.

[car crash]

[Gina sobbing]

[knocking]

Sweetie?

Daddy, what are you doing?

Just checkin' in with my favourite oldest daughter.

How are things, kid? How's your life? [boy groans]

Fine, but I'm kinda busy right now.

I just wanted to see how you're feelin'.

A little weirded out.

Are you dying, or somethin'?

No, no, I'm just fine.

And I'm never leavin' you.

Well at some point you're gonna die.

Look, nobody's dyin'.

COOKIE: I'm gonna kill you Jimmy!

What the hell are you doing buyin' Gina a psychotic pony?

What! I'm just tryin' to be a good father!

You're already a good father...mostly.

Stop tryin' to prove it before you kill someone.

It's Sally you need to work things out with.

Now go talk to her, ya big dope.

She's right, Daddy. Go do that right now.

Like immediately.

Yeah, get your head outta your ass, will ya?

[groans] You're right.

I should probably go talk to him...her.

Darren, you can come out now.

Darren? Darren?

[gasps, screams]

Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!

C'mon, c'mon pick up! It's an emergency dammit!

Hey!Oh hey Brad, turns out I am free tonight.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, but for the good of those girls,

and the continued survival of my nads,

I need to power you down.

I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Petey.

Hasta la vista, Peteybot.

Wrong remote.

♪ [Mexican Hat Dance plays]

Forgot I installed that.

I am sorry, Petey, but it is you that must be terminated.

Why do robots ALWAYS turn on their masters?

Why do masters always anger their robots?

No... No...

Dammit, that's of no use to me.

Violence is never a solution.

Okay, maybe under some circumstances.

Hey, what's with all the racket?

I...killed...Peteybot.

No, I killed Peteybot.

No, I killed Peteybot!

Okay, I'm bored. [loud thump]

Pop! Wait!

[grunts]

MAN: You got the stuff?

SAL: You got the money?Ow!

Who's in your trunk? A cop?

What the hell you doin', Pop?

What's it look like? I'm sellin' weed.

You kiddin' me?

Hey, you can take the fella out of goodfella,

but that don't make him good.

What the hell you doin' here?

Alright, I don't like surprises.

We're going to have to plug you two.

The hell you will.

Pop, I don't care about you becomin' a broad,

but why the hell did you leave me?

Wait a sec, this lady's your father?

Yeah, I used to be a man, deal with it.

Do you got any idea how tough it was

growin' up without a dad around?

What?

Ya think it didn't tear my heart out to leave?

You abandoned your own kid?

That's unconscionable.

Let's kill her.

Wait, wait... I wanna see where this going.

If I stayed and got caught,

do you think you woulda ever grown up to be a capo?

No, you woulda been a laughing stock.

See? What choice did she have?

He could have suppressed his desire to be a woman

and raised his son!

That would have made for a real healthy father-son relationship.

You better forgive your dad, mister.

You mind your business.

ALL: Yeah!

Jimmy, can you ever forgive me?

Yeah, after all, you was just lookin' out for me.

I'm sorry I had to leave. C'mere, you...

[whimpering]

I'm gonna go call my step-dads.

All seven of 'em.

Are you crying, too?

Don't look at me! [sobs]

Pop, before you head outta town,

let's enjoy the time we have together.

I'd like that, Jimmy.

Now what do you say we take these jokers' guns away

and kick the s--- out of 'em.

Way ahead of you, kid.

C'mere! [thumps, screams]

This is delicious, Cookie, what is it?

A little thing I whipped up called Pony Parmigiano.

Say, who's the dish, Jimmy?

Mind if I take a crack at her?

Cheech, I don't know if you wanna -

Hey gorgeous.

Are you a thief, 'cause you stole my heart.

Cheech, you're hittin' on your own brother.

I'll take that as a maybe.

Well gang, here's to family.

To family.

[robot voice] To family.

[tense music]