Original subtitles

How y'doin?

I used to be Jimmy Falcone,

a capo in a New York crime family.

Now I'm Jimmy McDougal,

livin' like a schnook in Canada.

Now gangsterin' wasn't exactly your safest line of work...

Uh... Got any twos?

Go sleep with the fish.

[loud bang]

But that's exactly what I wanted.

I lived danger. I breathed danger.

Danger was my middle name.

I never did forgive Ma for that.

Don Gambini, we did as you asked.

The charge is set.

Pretty soon Tall Bobby is gonna be Little Bobby Chunks.

But if I may inquire, what exactly did Tall Bobby do?

He didn't show respect, Jimmy.

It always felt like he was looking down at me.

You too? I never did like that guy.

Good riddance.

In exactly ten, nine--

Cheech! When you were under Tall Bobby's car,

why didn't you set the charge?

I did, just like you said. See?

You were supposed to leave it...

under his car!

JIMMY: You know, it's a wonder I lasted as long as I did.

But just because I'm in witness protection now

doesn't mean I don't still face danger.

'Cause if you think minus fifty-five in January

ain't real danger...

...Fugget about it!

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss,

♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

Oh! Fugget about it!

Jimmy, may I speak to you for a moment?

Yeah, yeah, one sec. I just gotta beat this level.

[video game noises]

[explosion]

Oh! Ha ha ha!

Alright, this better be good.

Human Resources can't find

your high school diploma on file.

I hate to be a bother,

but can I get you to send it over again?

Tell 'em to look harder.

Actually, I was being polite.

Truth is you still haven't submitted one.

So now ya need a diploma

to sit at a desk and not work all day?

Uh huh.

Only the best and brightest for Regina Tourism!

What if I don't got no diploma?

[laughs]

You're such a kidder, Jimmy.

Only losers don't finish high school.

And did those losers beat you up

before they dropped out?

Yeah...

Jimmy, I don't understand.

Why didn't you complete high school?

The mob wasn't big on book-smarts.

I mean, look what they did to Don Poindexter.

Allow me to quote Einstein -

[screams]

So, can ya take care of it, or not?

Well, yes.

It would take just a few simple keystrokes

to enter a high school diploma into your file.

Great. See ya later.

But I won't do it.

Why not?

Jimmy, I can't deprive you

of this invaluable learning opportunity.

Sure you can! Go ahead, deprive me!

I was lookin' for something

to give up for Lent anyway.

Jimmy, education is the very cornerstone of society.

What kind of friend would I be

if I took that experience away from you?

The kind I don't want to whack in the face with a 2x4?

Oh, how I envy you.

Jimmy, you are about to embark on a voyage

across the sea of knowledge,

a sea peppered with islands of information,

archipelagos of insight and atolls of wisdom.

You are one lucky bastard.

Right back at ya. Minus the lucky part.

See? You're already doing math!

For Canada, where you don't need

to play football to afford college!

[sonic boom]

[goose honks]

Great, look what ya made me do.

[goose honks]

Shut up!

You're startin' to piss me off here...

Whoa!

[honking]

Aw Jeez.

I better put you outta your misery.

[honking]Alright, hold still.

I said hold still! It'll be over in a second.

There, got it. Stupid goose.

Only fat guys drink beer

[honking]

What do ya want, a medal for not dyin'?

Scram.

I ain't kiddin'. Quit followin' me...

Last warnin', pal,

unless you want an ass fulla buckshot.

So this diploma you got from the Internet

wasn't good enough for 'em?

Apparently Harvard's not a high school.

And it's spelled with two A's.

Ya learn somethin' new everyday.

If I don't get 'em a real diploma,

they're gonna gimme the axe.

You know who coulda done this for ya?

Freddy The Forger.

One time he made me a fake ID - got me into Vito's Bar.

Cheech. You were like fifty.

What'd ya need a fake ID for?

It was Ladies Drink Free night.

[♪]

Man, I got bombed.

Next morning I woke up in some guy's bed.

Boy was he embarrassed.

God, I miss all those guys.

Freddy The Forger, Carmine The Counterfeiter,

Tony The Tiger Smuggler.

The guys you find on Craigslist, they're just not the same.

Hey, how come Daddy got to drop out of high school

but you won't let me.

You're such a "high-po-crit".

And that's exactly

why you're staying in school, young lady.

Theresa, it's apples and orange juice.

When I was your age, I was on the streets,

hustlin', doin' whatever it took to make a livin'.

[♪]

[cheers]

[screams]

So what'cha gonna do, Jimmy?

I guess I'll just quit and live off the nest egg.

COOKIE: Over your dead body.

What the hell kind of example is that to set for the kids?

I used to kill guys for a livin'.

Settin' a good example ain't exactly high on my priorities.

Well now you're a civilian.

So act civilized and get a [beep] diploma.

Fine! I'll go back to high school!

Pop, you can just get a GED.

Gina's not here, Petey.

If you want to swear, you don't have to spell it.

Oh, you are so staying in school.

PETE: It means General Educational Diploma.

All you have to do is pass an equivalency exam

at the community college.

That's it? Just pass one test?

Uh-huh. I got mine when I was five.

I only stay in school for the camaraderie.

And how many friends do you have, Petey?

One hundred and twenty-seven.

Facebook doesn't count.

Counting you?Don't you dare count me!

Zero.

So look, I see ya got a lotta wood in this joint.

Be a real shame if it were to go up in flames,

if ya catch my drift.

'Course, for a fee,

I could protect ya from that kinda thing, eh?

Aren't you adorable?

Now run along, little girl.

[screams]

[honking and screaming]

[whistles]

I'll be back for more on Friday.

Ya got some nice moves there, kid.

How'd ya like to join my crew?[honks]

So what do I call yas? Honker?

Nah, that sounds stupid.

How 'bout Beaks?[honks]

Alright, Beaks it is.

Welcome aboard.

I dunno how you're gonna do it, Jimmy.

The studyin', lectures, readin'.

You couldn't pay me enough.

On the other hand -

it's never too late to learn your ABD's.

WOMAN: You've got big dreams.

You want fame. Well, fame costs.

And right here is where you start paying.

Yo lady, is this the GED class?

Room 102, down the hall.

Thank you. Sorry.Pardon me.

Excuse me.Ouch!

Comin' through here.Sorry.

Good luck, you're gonna need it.

Whoa-hoh! You are Flexi'!

What's your number?

Welcome to High School Equivalency 101.

I'm Mr. Russo.

Is that gonna be on the test?

No.

Now, I know many of you

are going through some life changes.

Divorce, mid-life crisis, menopause...

Don't forget parole!

But this is your one chance at a second chance,

so seize it.

Actually you can take the test as often as you like;

I just said that for dramatic effect.

Is any of that gonna be on the test?

No, but since you're so interested in tests,

let's start with a practice one.

[♪]

Hey Teach, you forgot the eyes and mouth

in this smiley face.

Actually, that's a zero.

What?

Don't I even get a point for spellin' my name right?

You didn't.

Who the hell's Jimmo? [bell rings]

This is gonna be harder than I thought.

I gotta figure out a way to pass this class.

Wanna join my study group?

Beat it, nerd.

Jimmy, it's been thirty years since you were in school.

You gotta get used to bein' a student again.

But how?

I don't even remember what it was like bein' a student.

[screams]

Probably 'coz I majored in hookey.

You'll figure it out.

Anyways, listen, this broad in our class, Debbie,

lost custody of her kids.

And?

And they're having a kegger at her place.

You comin'?

[beep] yeah!

[shouting] Chug! Chug! Chug!

[cheering]

Ah, it's all comin' back to me now.

This is just like when I was in high school.

There's the snobby Prom Queen.

[scoffs] No, I DON'T want a beer!

Leave me alone, nerd!

JIMMY: The drug-pushin' preppie...

Come on, Cindy.

All your peers are doing it...

My peers? Well, in that case...

[loud snorting]

And who can forget...

the slutty girl.

You know what, Cheech?

Maybe this high school thing

ain't gonna be so bad after all.

To second chances.To second chances.

Oh God! Cindy has no pulse!

[♪]

[honk]

[register bell rings]

[♪]

[chuckles]

[chuckling]

[belches]

[♪]

[chuckles]

[gasp]

[♪]

[honks]

Ugh!

That. Was. AWESOME!

[honks]Here's your cut.

Don't spend it all in one pond.

[gags]

[disgusted sigh]

Cheech, I feel like a teenager again.

I'm havin' the time of my life.

Me too.

Well, except for this terrible acne.

And I keep gettin' urges to cut myself while masturbatin'.

Just don't use the good knives, okay?

Shh, shh, shh, you'll wake somebody.

COOKIE: Where the hell have you been?

No call? Not even a text?

I been worried sick!

You could be lyin' dead in a ditch for all I know.

And I'm this close to puttin' ya there myself!

Get off my case! You don't understand!

I understand plenty.

You're a grown man with a wife and three kids

and a job you're gonna lose if you don't get serious

and get that diploma.

I mean look at this homework!

It says "Find X",

and you drew an arrow pointin' to the "X"!

Well, that's where it is!

You're not even tryin', Jimmy.

All you're doin' is partying and foolin' around.

But -No buts!

Now march up those stairs and go to your room, old man!

You're grounded!

It's not fair!

What the hell is this?

JIMMY: There's a field trip. You need to sign it.

Jimmy, can I see you for a minute?

What up, Teach?

Can I just say what an amazing time

I've been having in this class?

No really, I mean it.

Here, go buy yourself an apple.

Jimmy, night school isn't all fun and games.

Except for recess.

You're struggling in class and failing your practice tests.

I think you might have a learning disability.

Ho! Did you just call me a gimp?

No, and I would never use that term.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

I am not a gimp!

I agree.

All you need is some extra help.

Oh yeah? Well, help this!

Just to be clear, I do not have erectile dysfunction.

Yeah, I got that.

Did you see the look on that shopkeeper's face?

"Ooh, don't hurt me. I have a family."

[laughs] What a wuss.

[yawns] G'night.

I love you, Beaks.[honk]

Tell anyone I said that, I'll cut out your liver.

I've been expecting your call, Jimmy.

Let me guess.

You need help with Canadian history,

or as we call it - history.

While it is a long and noble saga,

I wish to start on the day in 1814

when we marched on Washington

and burned down your White House -

Stop makin' [beep] up, McCool.

This is serious.

Turns out I got a learnin' disability.

So seein' as I'm a moron,

I'm gonna need you to fake that diploma for me.

That can't be right, Jimmy.

You ran a large criminal organization.

The numbers running alone

would have taken tremendous mental ability.

Not to mention outsmarting

legions of dedicated law enforcement officers.

Do you see what I mean?

I gotta go back to crime?

NO!

It means there's nothing wrong with your intelligence!

Of course, your morals are another story.

You're right, I am smart.

It's like the time Don Fanucci

was leavin' Chicago on a train goin' eighty miles an hour

and Don Polozzo left New York

on a train goin' fifty miles an hour...

And I whacked 'em both!

I'm a [beep] "gee-nus"!

You mean 'genius'.Whatever.

But Jimmy, don't forget,

genius is one percent inspiration

and ninety-nine percent perspiration.

Perfect! I sweat like a pig!

You can do this, Jimmy! Say it!

I can do this, Jimmy!

[beep]

How do ya get a minus two percent?

Not everyone learns at the same pace.

So you're on the slow side, Jimmy.

This is the number for the student help center.

All you need to do is ask.

"Doy!

"I'm Jimmy. I'm slow.[cackles]

I have a learning disability."

[kettle whistling]

[screams][screams]

[grunts]

Jimmy, what about your diploma?

JIMMY: Screw that! School is for suckers!

I hear ya.

Though I'm really gonna miss Debbie's keggers...

and I don't mean her beer parties.

[chuckles]

You dropped out of school?

What the hell is wrong with you, Jimmy?

All you have to do is ask for a little help.

That's it. Why can't you ever do that?

Tell me about it.

Remember our trip to Hawaii?

COOKIE: Would you just ask someone?

I got it!

You better get that diploma, Jimmy.

It's one thing to drop out of high school,

but I am NOT livin'

with a night school dropout, ya got that?

I got it!

Here. Go nuts.

Wait.

Are you asking me to take your GED test for you?

No. I'm telling you to take my test for me.

I'm afraid I can't do that.

Why not?

There's an old saying:

"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime."

I don't understand a thing you just said.

And now I'm hungry for sushi.

If you want my help, Pop, just ask.

I'll be happy to tutor you.

But I'm not taking the test for you.

Fine.

If you won't do it, I'll find someone who will!

Sir, I understand you wish me

to take the high school equivalency exam for you,

is that correct?

Aw, crap. Can you believe this?

The guy doesn't even speak English.

Sir, it's my native language.

You getting any of this?Waka-waka-waka.

Must be Chinese or something.

[grunts]

I was valedictorian of my high school.

I have a PhD from Princeton.

Speak English!

[honks]

[engine starts]

Alright, so we just gotta make

a few stops on Albert Street.

[geese honking]

[truck honks]

Eyes on the road!

You tryin' to get us killed?

What are ya lookin' at?

Aw, nuts.

Don't ya get it, Beaks?

You don't gotta fly south ever again

unless the cops are chasin' ya. [horn honks]

[honks]

Did I, or did I not just tell you

to keep your freakin' eyes on the road!

What the hell?

It looks like you whacked a library in here.

"There are two blue marbles and three red cups.

How many different ways

can you place the marbles into the cups?"

I can't do this, Cook. I'm disabled.

Oh for the love of God, you're not disabled.

[loud crash]

We both know you didn't quit high school

because you had to earn a living.

You quit because you wouldn't ask anyone for help.

Because of your stupid pride.

Your stupid, stubborn, sexy pride.

Cookie... [grunts]

where we come from, a man doesn't ask for help.

A man does things for himself.

There's only one thing I want you to do for me, Jimmy.

Name it.Pass.

I want you to pass.

[moans]

Wait a minute. Two balls, three cups.

Six! The answer is six!

[moans]

Uh...Petey?

Yeah, Pop?

I need your he-eh- [stammers]

I need your he-eh-eh-eh-eh. [stammers]

You need a helicopter?[stammers] Heh-ehh...

You're having a stroke?

Timmy's in the well?"Timmy's in the well"?

Help! I need your freakin' help!

Alright, you got it.

But if we're going to do this, we're going to do it my way.

You're going to become a lean, mean, learning machine.

When I'm through with you,

you're gonna eat Latin and crap prime numbers.

[grunting][♪]

Read.

[♪]

Faster! Faster!

PETEY: Read! Read!

Okay, but why is he exercising?

Because that's the way he learns!

Pick it up. Faster! Faster!

Slow down! Check your work!

Check your answers!

Forty one. Forty two. Forty three.

Fifty seven. Fifty eight.

Fifty nine.

Twelve, times twelve, one forty four.

Again![screams]

Again![screams]

Correct!

[screams]

I got it right!

So?

Push! Harder!

Educated guess! Fill it in!

[honks][grunts]

[cheering]

PETEY: Read! Read! Read!

[screams]

[bell dings]

Sorry, the school bell is broken.

This is it. You all worked hard.

Good luck. You may begin.

[grunts]

[honks]

Cut it out, Beaks. Ya honked an oath.

Once you're in the life, ya can't leave.

Sweetie, ya gotta let him go.

But I don't wanna let him go.

Honey, it's the call of the wild.

Everyone has to leave sometime.

Just like one day

you're going to grow up and leave me...

I will? Uh-huh.

And it's gonna be the hardest day of my life,

but I'll know that even when we're apart,

you'll always be with me, here in my heart.

I'm gonna miss ya, ya mook.

[honks]

Alright, alright, don't get all mushy on me.

[geese honking]

What if he can't survive in the wild no more?

He's a Falcone now.

He's gonna do just fine.

[honks]

He's gonna do just fine.

Congradu -

Aw, [beep].

I passed!

You passed!

Hey, me too!

Cheech! That's great! But -

and don't take this the wrong way or anything -

how?

Ah, it wasn't so tough.

Goddamit! Why didn't I think of that?

Jimmy, I'm proud of you.

You earned it on your own.

And no one can take that away from you.

Cookie, I'm sorry I was actin' like a high school jerk.

Correction. High school GRADUATE jerk.

I want to make it up to you.

Cookie, would you go

to the high school equivalency prom with me?

Of course I will.

But I need eight hundred bucks for a dress.

[♪]

What do you mean there's no [beep] Prom Queen?

[glass shatters]

It only took me thirty years to get ya to a prom,

but here we are, baby.

What do ya think?

I think if you play your cards right

you might get lucky in the car later.

[cackles]

Every day I'm with you I'm the luckiest man on Earth.

Oh we are definitely doing it in the back seat.

[moans]

[feedback]

Congratulations, Equivalency Class of 2013!

By the power vested in me

by the Province of Saskatchewan,

I now declare you...graduates!

[cheering]

[♪]