Original subtitles

How y'doin?

I used to be Jimmy Falcone,

a capo in a New York crime family.

Now, you probably think bein' a mobster

was all bustin' knees and deep sixin' guys...

...which it kinda was.

See, violence was our thing... even on a slow day.

Ha ha! Got ya!

[chuckles] Good shot, Jimmy.

But when it came to other gangs,

I had a real knack for keepin' the peace -

like a referee for wise guys.

For instance,

I was friendly with the Russian mafia...

Yo Boris, I brought vodka.

Let's get drunk and make fun of the Triad.

...I was respectful to the Chinese mafia...

[firecrackers]

Happy New Year!

What? I miss it?

You guys keep changin' the day.

Anyway... Chen,

you really gonna let those Ruskies

walk all over you?

Which one of you is Chen again?

Heck, I even had an open door policy

with the gay mafia.

Oh my god!

I can't believe you wore those shoes with that tie, Donny.

Oh yeah, coming from the guy who wore beige...

in December. [chuckles]

Fellas, fellas...

we gotta talk about the Chinese.

They really got it in for ya'.

[loud gunfire]

Then a gang war broke out

between the Russians, the Chinese, and the gay dudes.

Which I had nothin' to do with!

[screams]

Until I took over their business.

Ha-ha-ha.

Anyway, now I'm Jimmy McDougal,

livin' in witness protection in Canada,

where they don't know nothin' about peacekeepin'.

Actually, Pop, Canada's armed forces

are well known for -Lay off, will ya?

I'm tryin' to make a point.

What was I gonna say?

Oh yeah... Fugget about it!

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'bout a friend or ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss,

♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

Oh! Fugget about it!

Hey Jimmy, this guy says the test drive's over.

He wants us to get back to the dealership.

[laughs][screams]

Fugget I said anything.

You hungry?I could eat.

[loud crash]

[gibberish]

Yeah, I'll have the Deerburger.

Side of antlers.

[cocks gun] [deer cries]

Sounds good. I'll have the same.

[gunshot, deer cries]

Actually come to think of it,

lemme have a Bison burger.

[gunshot, bison groans]

Nah, you know what? [cocks rifle]

Deerburger's fine. [gunshot, deer cries]

[gasp]

Hang on, Cheech!

[loud crash]

Jimmy! I think we travelled back in time...

to an episode of Little House on the Prairie!

Are you hurt, strangers?

What the hell are ya doin'

ridin' a buggy in snowmobile country?

Actually, this is Mennonite country.

What the [beep] is that?

You know, where they make the deodorant.

No stranger, we are a humble, God-fearing folk

who shun modern conveniences

such as cars, electricity, and zippers.

So, in other words, you're poor.

Hope things pick up for ya'.

In truth, we are an ultra-orthodox branch

of the Mennonite tree.

We broke away from our brethren in nineteen -

Yo Rabbi, I'm on the edge of my seat here,

but I gotta run.

I fear the iron pig you ride is dead.

Looks like we're walkin' back to Regina.

Regina?

We too are travelling to that Sodom and Gomorrah.

I am Jakob.

These are my brothers Samuel and Eli.

We are going on our rumspringa.

I think you mean winespritza.

Rumspringa is a period in which young Mennonites

leave our community to experience modern society.

We are looking for

what you people would call "a good time".

Do you know where we can find such a time?

Tell ya what.

You boys give us a ride into town

and we'll help you out with that.

You would do that for us?

Hoh! Not so fast.

Throw in some chickens and you got a deal.

[♪]

So what kinda good time you boys lookin' for?

Disneyland or Playboy mansion?

Jakob! Samuel! Look!

The lights of the Emerald City!

[heavenly choir]

[sign buzzes]

Mine eyes! [horns honking]

Hey! We're walkin' here!

Where the hell have you been?

And what's this about you stealin' a snowmobile?

We didn't steal nothin'. We took it for a test drive.

It failed.

Jimmy, what have I told you

about taking things that don't belong to you?

It's not the Canadian way.

Unless we're talking Native land,

but we like to pretend that never happened.

My point is, what kind of nation would this be

if everyone just took whatever struck their fancy

with no regard for other people?

America?Exactly.

And who the hell are these guys?

This is Jakob and...

the other one and the other one.

Jimmy, why is the cast of "Witness" in my house?

It's like this, Cookie.

These are Men-in-tights on a Rumpelstiltskin

lookin' for a good time.

Speakin' of good times, I gotta use the john.

And I better get some groceries now that we got guests.

Relax, dinner's covered.

[loud clucking]

Hey. I'm Theresa.

He-hello. I am Jakob.

I am here to taste the delights of the big city.

Boy did you come to the right place.

I'm going to show Jakob my delights.

I mean my sights - the sights.

Bye.

Listen punk, rumspringa or no springa,

I expect you to behave like a gentleman.

Home by midnight.

And don't drink and drive.

I neither drink nor drive.

Good, now get the hell outta here.

Alright Cook, Cheech and I are gonna

take the other two out for some fun.

Jimmy, be very careful with those boys.

I've seen many a rumspringa turn to tragedy

when the modern world proves overwhelming

for young Mennonites.

Relax McCool, they're farmers, not cavemen.

Mm, your well-water is so clean and fresh...

and blue!

Oh, Jakob.

Your hay-baling arms make me feel

like I'm on the cover of a Harlequin Romance novel,

and that maybe, just maybe,

my dress is torn -

[grunts]

I think, Theresa,

you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met.

I think, Jakob, you are right.

You are also the only woman I have ever met

to whom I am not related.

Ah, what a gentleman!

I figure we'll loosen 'em up with a few cocktails

at the Sky Tickler Lounge,

then on to Little India for the snake and kitty show.

That darn cat is such a charmer.

[elevator dings]

It's only five storeys up,

but on a clear day you can see everything...

...which, really, ain't much.

[elevator dings]

How can this be?

We are not where we started.

We drove here in a $60,000 SUV,

but the elevator's a big deal?

What new wonders await us on three?

Not too bright, huh?

This from a guy who forgets to wear pants.

Aw crap.

You'd think four hours riding in the "magic closet"

would be enough excitement for anyone.

But no, you two have to go and pull the fire alarm.

[alarm ringing]

[♪]

[sighs]

THERESA!

Daddy!Brothers!

Theresa raised a barn...

in my pants!

Daddy! Calm down.

We didn't do anything!

We did not?

Then why are my unterhosen damp?

That's it!

What is goin' on down here?

I'm about to turn this Quaker Oats into porridge.

Daddy, all we did was make out a bit.

Promise.

Jakob and I are in love.

He's invited me to meet his family

and stay in their village, and I said yes -

Oh Jesus...

I love him. The real way.

Not just the yes-I'll-go-to-Cabo-

for-the-weekend way.

Hey, can I have her room?

Theresa, you do realize Jakob is a Mennonite.

I think you mean Mannonite,

and yes, he's my Mannonite.

Theresa Maria Falcone, there is no way

you're runnin' off with some weirdy-beardy you just met!

Mom! This is so unfair!

I'm old enough to make my own mistakes.

Okay lemmie get this straight.

You're gonna live without electricity?

Our love is electric.

And no running water?

Jakob's love is all the fluid I need.

[cackles]

I'm sorry, but you?

On a farm?

[laughter]

JIMMY: She's really going.

You sure you're okay with this?

You kiddin' me? She'll be back by dinner-time.

I'm givin' three to one on that. Interested?

Fifty bucks says she'll sleeps here tonight.

I want a piece of that action.

I abhor gambling.

Gimme twenty on noon tomorrow.

What a pleasant ride.

And it only took us nine hours.

You really oughta get your heater fixed.

Shhh. My father is coming.

Relax. Dads love me.

Jakob? What is this?

You were supposed to sample the modern world,

not bring it back with you.

Father, this is Theresa.

Father? Get outta town!

You look more like Jakob's brother.

Truth be told, I am a little of both.

Now young woman, we are not used to outsiders here.

As long as you remain in this settlement,

I trust you shall respect our customs,

our morals, and our values.

You got it, Pops.

So what's your wi-fi password?

This is a mall.

It's where people come

to buy things they don't really need.

Maybe you boys can pick something up for your Mom.

Something to take back to her...

when you go home... hopefully soon.

It's not gonna hurt you. Just get on.

Where do these steps come from?

What strange magic is this?

Weeee!

Weeeee!

Weeee!

Samuel look! The steps.

They vanish.

HEY! don't put your face down there-

Help! It wants my chin blanket -

[loud scream]

[siren]

Wait, modern medicine is forbidden to us -

[sighs]

I feel better...

[rooster crows]

[groans]

Five more minutes...

[stifled crowing]

Wake up my modern woman!

Jakob, not yet.

I haven't even put my face on.

Hand me my make-up...

Ah! Such whore-paint is forbidden here.

Jakob, I am already concerned by this girl's sloth.

Now get up, it is only two hours until sunrise.

Time for breakfast.

Haven't you people heard of beauty sleep?

[growls]

I guess not...

[grunts]

I'll have coffee and a bagel.

We do not allow bagels...

with their sensual roundness and tempting holes.

Fine. What else ya got?

You misunderstand.

Women's breakfast was hours ago.

Now is the time for you to make the men's breakfast.

In my country,

we stop playing with Play Doh in grade two.

And here, playing is forbidden.

I was joking.Also forbidden.

You must learn the value of doing chores.

Look at Helga, she is proficient at chores

and therefore has many suitors...

[wolf whistles][donkey braying]

Now this I know how to do!

♪ [rock music]

Let us find something else for you to do, ahem.

[grunting]

[door opens]What is going on here?

Oooh...

[grunting]

[clears throat]

[grunting louder]

[grunting louder]

Ahh!

[panting]

There's this kid who's behind on his lunch money.

He's in high-school so I want youse to be my muscle.

Oooh, what does this task entail?

If he gets outta line, you two slap him around.

"Slap around"?

Is that some kind of dance?

We do not dance.

Who said anything about a dance?

Just beat his head in!Oh no.

We are a peace- loving people.

We cannot raise our hand to another man.

Then use your freakin' foot, why do I care?

Let's go. [horns honking]

Not yet, ya mooks!

If you're gonna cross the street,

you gotta watch the signals.

Stop, Gina!

The stern little man commands us to stand like this.

No, no, ya got it all wrong.

Hurry, Samuel!

The orange hand beckons us forward!

What is wrong with you retards?

[horns honking]

[beeping]

Oh, thank heaven, the medicine that makes us feel better.

Ah, that's the stuff...

More, more...

Please, please.

I'll suck your [beep].

[rooster crows]

Your father's been working me like a dog.

I'm exhausted.

But not too exhausted.

Wanna go to the hayloft?

More chores?

Theresa, you are insatiable.

I've heard that.

Don't know what it means, but I've heard it.

Oh, no.

Those follies may have been acceptable

on my rumspringa,

but we are back in the real world now.

Don't you want to play Amish schoolgirl?

Amish girls don't go to school, silly.

[chuckles]

Now, off to bed.

I will be thinking of you...

but not with my hands.

Bad hands. Devil's hands!

I have handcuffs!

Okay, it's official. This place sucks.

[sighs]

[rooster crows]

DAMMIT!

Put that away.

Such prideful adornments are forbidden.

What, it's just a hair-clip.

It is much more than that.

It is a dagger that will pierce the heart of our community.

It is dangerous.

Only if I stick it in your eye.

I have spoken!

There is no more to say on the matter!

Well I have more to say on the matter!

[beep] this!

[gasps][bowl shatters]

So you guys have never seen a train before?

Only in the distance.

We thought they were metal snakes

that would eat our souls.

Well that's just silly.

There's no such thing as souls.

Did you know these tracks run clear across the continent?

In fact, early on it was referred to as...

Look Samuel. I have found medicine.

Uh, guys, I wouldn't touch those...

Seriously, guys, that's not safe -

IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER!

[loud retching]

I do not feel better, Samuel.

[♪]

We need to talk.Theresa!

Why is your head naked?

Yeah, about that...

This isn't working out.

I thought when I came here

it would be quaint, like doing it on a quilt.

Doing what?

See? I don't fit in here.

Can I catch a ride into town?

I do not understand.

We are to be married tomorrow.

What?

With God's blessing,

you will be pregnant by the weekend.

Dude, I'm only seventeen.

I'm too young to get married.

That is witch talk!

My mother was a spinster of fifteen when she wed.

In any case, you agreed to be my wife

the moment you sat in my buggy.

This is crazy!

My little lamb, you just have cold feet.

We have a cure for that.

You could've just given me socks!

Ow! Ow!

Give me another try?

Ow! Ah! Ah! AH!

Son of a!

My fingers gotta go on a diet.

Heh heh, your fingers?

Jimmy, Theresa hasn't updated her Twitter feed

in twelve hours.

Hash tag, I'm worried.

[loud thump]

Stupid bird.

We solemnly invite you to the joyless union

of Jakob and Theresa

under the eyes of a stern and merciless God.

What?

The bride and groom are registered at Barns and Stable.

If I'm readin' this right, I think Theresa's getting married.

The hell she is!

Oh my God! They're a cult.

My baby girl's been kidnapped by a cult!

Aw crap. I'm gonna take a bath on this.

Lemme see that.

How are we supposed to RSPV?

Jimmy, get your shotgun. We're goin' to a wedding!

[cocks gun]

Should I wear my blue suit, or the pinstripe?

[rooster crows]

Give it a rest, will ya?

Isn't it exciting?

You are permitted to choose

the color of your wedding dress.

Gray or off-gray?

Off-gray. Most assuredly.

[donkey braying]

Where the hell is Jakob?[giggles]

In the barn learning about the birds and the bees.

These are birds. These are bees.

This is your penis.

This is your penis on drugs.

[sizzling]

Any questions?

Hey! Why are you burning my stuff!

No, please, not the hair dryer -

Aaagh!

What do you have against full-bodied hair?

What is wrong with you people?

Don't you get it?

It's your life, and you only get one!

So make the most of it!

Don't let anyone tell you how to live!

You can be whatever you want to be!

Could I be a shoemaker?

I love shoes!

A DeVry graduate?

Reach for the stars!

How about a sodomite?

[crickets chirping]

You can be any nationality you want!

And stop pretending it's the fifties!

What's so great about spending eight hours

to make a loaf of bread

when you can get one at Seven-Eleven?

Technology can make your life easier!

Technology IS YOUR FRIEND![cheering]

Oooh, she's right!

Look at all this pornography!

Won't be needing you anymore.

[screams]

Man, I hope they have a chocolate fountain!

I love those things!

This is all my fault, Jimmy.

I never should have let Theresa go.

Ah, don't beat yourself up, Cook.

Save it for the groom.

What if they've brainwashed her?

What if they've got her in robes, chanting at airports?

[gasp]

Oh my God, what if they're about to drink the Kool-aid?

Hurry up, Jimmy!

I'm drivin' as fast as I can,

but I don't know where I'm goin'.

The sexy directions lady is on the fritz.

This thing says "You are now leaving civilization"...

If you're tryin' to drag this out to win the pool,

you're disqualified.

Not to mention morally bankrupt.

I'm hopin' to bang some bridesmaids at this thing.

Can ya head off the uglies for me?

[screaming][giggling]

This isn't what I meant!

Zippers are so much easier than buttons!

[moaning]

[cheering][braying]

[screaming]

I didn't mean for you to go crazy!

I just meant you need to think for yourselves!

MAN: I think I'm gonna screw me a goat!

The one time I linger in the outhouse...

FOOLS!

[loud thunderclap]

Ow!

Ignorant heathens!

You have been tricked by the Devil!

But I can finally feel the wind on my face.

It burns!

Mark my words!

This technology will betray you!

He's right. Damn these roaming charges!

[screams]

It hurts when I pee.

[bleats]

The Devil has wormed its way into our community

in the form of this vixen.

She is a witch!

And you know what we do with witches?

Hm, do tell.

We burn them!

Remember, think for yourselves!

Burn the witch!

Oh, crap...[shouting]

What are you doing?

You're supposed to be freakin' pacifists!

Shut up, witch!

[engine revs]

Mommy! Daddy![screaming]

Thank God you still have hair!

And... Cheech wins the pool.

Yes! Where am I gonna put a pool?

Time to kick some Mennon-ass.

Run! He knows how to fight!

[screaming]

It's just you and me, ZZ Top.

Bringeth it on.

[battle cries]

That's quite enough, gentlemen.

Jimmy, roll down your sleeves,

unclench your fists, and take a chill-pill.

You sir, pitch that pitchfork.

What the hell are you doin' here?

There was a noise complaint

from the neighboring Hutterite colony.

[grunts] Meddling Hutterites...

Come, my good man,

let us return you to your gentle ways

of peace and misogyny.

These outsiders will bother you no more.

For Canada!

Where you can live as you want,

as long as you keep it down!

Wait!Jakob?

Theresa, do not go.

I still love you.

I am sure with time,

you will be numb with fatigue and succumb to our ways.

Oh Jakob, I'm sorry,

but I can't change myself to fit into your world.

I mean I can, but I won't, 'cause your world sucks.

If you won't live in mine, then I shall live in yours.

You sure you wanna do that, kid?[car beeps]

Eli? Samuel?

What have they done to you?

I'll never forget you Jakob!

I'll call you, er...

e-mail you -

well... I'll text -[engine starts]

Ah forget it. I'll never see you again.

My heart is broken.

So is Samuel's.

Is that a tattoo?

JIMMY: Who wants Deerburgers?

CHEECH: Not me! Last time I had a hoof in mine!

[laughter]