Original subtitles

How y'doin'?

I'm Gina Falcone.

You can put a gun to my head,

but I ain't callin' myself McDougal.

My Pop used to be the capo in a New York crime family.

It was great.

Everywhere I went I was treated with respect.

Hey Gina!

Good to see ya, kid!

Here's a hundred.

Get yourself a lollipop!

I talked with that dentist of yours.

You won't be gettin' any more cavities.

That was all about to end

because my Uncle Cheech was shootin' his mouth off.

The Don ordered a hit on him,

but my Pop didn't have the stones to do it.

So while Pop was beggin' the Don to spare Cheech's life,

I decided to make my bones and take Cheech

out. And then Pop had to go and screw it up.

[Glass shattering]

[Stammering]

I guess Pop did have stones, just not a lotta brains.

And that's how we wound up in Lady Parts, Saskatchewan.

It's okay to say it, sweetie.

Regina.

But if you think I like bein' here,

you can f---in'--

Oh, language!

What the f---'s wrong with you?

Fugget about it!

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'bout a friend or ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss,

♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

Oh! Fugget about it!

TV ANNOUNCER: Are your fingers tired

at the end of a long day?

They are.

Are you still dialling the phone by hand?

I am!

Do you sometimes not point

because you just can't be bothered?

That's me! I hate pointing!

With Super Finger,

you'll never have to lift a finger again!

Ohh that's handy...

Or fingery. [Chuckling]

But wait, there's more!

It also scratches, pokes, taps, and picks.

It's super! Call 1-800-FINGR-ME now!

[Phone ringing]

WOMAN: Welcome to Super Finger.

Enter your credit card number now.

Wait a minute.

We don't have a credit card.

Enter your credit card number now.

I said, I don't have a credit card!

D'ya take cash?

Sure!

Really? No!

I'll give you a super finger.

Jimmy, do you know what I do all day when you're at work?

That's between you and Doctor Oz.

I drive around town, payin' our bills in cash.

I'm tired of living like this

and I'm sick of lugging this around.

Don't you think it's time we got a credit card?

What'd'ya talkin' about?

You got lots of those.

None with my real name on 'em!

Besides, McCool took 'em away.

Like it's a crime to use someone else's credit card.

Ah, you don't want one of them.

What if someone steals it

and buys an Asian bride off the Internet?

You bad man.

You promise better life!

Jimmy, I wanna live beyond our means

like normal people.

Alright, Cook, if you want a credit card so bad,

I'll get ya one.

How the hell do ya get a credit card?

It's easy.

You steal a lady's purse. You take her card.

Bada boom-bada bing.

I mean legitimately.

I got nothin'.

Oh for chrissake, ya open a bank account!

Fine.

I'll dig up the nest-egg and put it in the bank.

Ya don't gotta yell.

Cheech, get me a shovel.

No problem.

Ming! Ja mua cha!

Get you own damn shovel!

In layman's terms,

the annual percentage rate is the rate--JIMMY THINKING: Geez, I never been in a bank

for more than three and a half minutes.

Boy I miss those days.

["Nutcracker Suite" playing]

♪

So, what do you think sir?

I think I could take this place in about two and a half.

I meant in terms of interest.

Hey, I'm here ain't I?

So did you want the low risk interest rate of 0.1 percent

or did you want to lock it in at 6?

So I can have 0.1 or 6 percent?

That's right.

I'll take the 6.

And you better have it by Friday!

Sorry. Old habits.

[Grunting]

Your deposit slip.

My life savings for a piece of paper...

And they call me a gangster?

Holy s---.

I'm rich!

Cookie!

I got you a little something.

Yes!

A credit card!

My favorite piece of plastic that doesn't vibrate.

Listen up, everyone.

I learned a valuable lesson at the bank today:

we're richer than we think!

What are you talking about?

It's easy.

You add the nest-egg I dug up from the yard

with the money I stashed under the furnace

minus the cash I sent to that Nigerian prince

and it equals...

ALL: We're rich!

[Upbeat instrumental song playing]

♪

[Both laughing]

♪

[Both laughing]

♪

Don't you dare!

♪

[Both laughing]

Geez... Ow...

Yo Jimmy, ya gotta try this caviar and truffle sangwich.

It's 600 bucks every time I take a bite.

and it tastes just like chicken!

Nah, I'm too full from the narwhal soup.

We didn't spend too much yesterday, did we?

Not at all!

We bought mostly essentials.

Ain't that right, Percy?

[Roaring]

What the hell?

My credit card's declined.

Last time someone declined me, I put their head in a vice.

Run it again!

Same thing.

What's the problem?

What's the problem?

I'll tell ya the problem.

I got some moron up my ass

askin' what the freakin' problem is!

I don't believe this. Jimmy, gimme some cash.

Any chance we could run a tab?

A Super Finger!

Ooh, I so want one of those.

Mr. McDougal, your money is locked in

for a period of no less than six months

due to the high interest rate.

I explained this all to you in great detail.

Isn't there anything you can do?

How 'bout a loan?

Ya know we're good for it.

I'm sorry Mrs. McDougal, but our records indicate

that you recently went on an insane spending spree

and are now a significant credit risk.

Jimmy, what're we gonna do?!

What'd he say Cook?

Holy crap!

We're broke?!

So, now that all my money's locked up

I need ya to float me for the next six months.

I'm sorry, Jimmy,

but it's against witness protection rules.

After we set you up with your first job,

your financial well-being is your own concern.

I would love to offer you a personal loan--

That's great!

-- but I'm afraid I am on a strict budget.

Not only do I support Horse, myself,

and a village of Bushmen orphans,

but every remaining dollar goes to my poor, aging mother

and her insanely expensive BENGAY addiction.

So you can't do nothin' for me?

Au contraire my friend,

I can give you something even better than money.

More money?No.

A money tree?No.

A money factory?No.

What the hell is better than money?!

If you say happiness or religion I'm outta here.

A vigorous pep talk!

At times like this,

a man has to reach deep down inside himself

to find out what makes him a man.

To find wherein lies the root of his true character!

Let me read you a letter from one of my orphans.

[Clearing throat]

[Reading aloud foreign language with tongue clicks]

Jimmy?

Horse?

[Roaring]

[Grunting]

Back to the zoo with you, Mister!

[Growling]

All right everyone, listen up.

It looks like we're having a small cash flow problem.

If someone ain't payin' up, I say go for the knees.

Nah Gina,

your mother thinks we gotta live economical for a while.

So we're gonna have to cut back on a few things.

Theresa, that means no new clothes.

You mean no new clothes today, right?

Gina, no betting on long shots.

But Ol' Glue Factory in the fourth is lookin' real good!

And Cheech, no more booze for a while.

Well, I had a good run.

[Grunting]

[Empty gun sound]

Someone spot me a bullet?

I'll pay you back.

This is great!

Now we can implement all the green initiatives

I've been suggesting.

It'll force us to reduce our carbon footprint!

We have to buy smaller shoes now too?

Screw this!

I know how to make money.

Theresa, you will not have sex for money.

MOM!

This is so unfair!

Now you kids listen to your mother.

I gotta run.

I'm teein' off in an hour.

Jimmy, you march right down to that Tourism Bureau

and get your job back!

And you can forget about golf!

No more golf!

Cheech,

I'm callin' sloppy seconds on that bullet.

Hiyah!

I can't believe we have to ride the bus.

We're turning into those people

who bring bags to the store

because they can't afford plastic!

Mass transit is good for the environment

and reduces CO2 emissions.

This is so unfair!

How can Daddy expect us to live on zero dollars a day?

That's almost nothing!

What'sa matter with you two?

You been living off a Pop, like, forever.

Me?

I been earnin' for myself since pre-school.

You want somethin' in this life, you take it.

Simple as that.

She's right.

Not about the stealing, of course,

but there are things we can do to make our own money,

like collecting bottles for recycling.

Really?

Tell me more.

Well, recycling saves resources,

reduces smog--

Tch tch tch.

The money part.

They pay for bottles,

so we can earn money and save the planet

at the same time.

Driver, take me to where we save the planet!

Sure!

It's one stop past where we save world hunger!

Stupid kid...

Morning!

Um, Jimmy, I don't think you--

Sorry, can't talk. Lotta work to do.

Gotta put the ol' nose in the grindstone, so--

Oh, I'm sorry Jimmy, but didn't you quit?

What?! Quit?

What are you kiddin'?

I love this job.

I love whatever it is we, uh, do here.

I'm sorry,

but you were very clear

that you wanted to terminate your employment.

Toby, that's not my ass!

My ass is in color.

Jimmy, as much as I'd like to give you your job back,

we've already hired someone else.

[Screeching]

So fire him!

No can do.

Last time I did that, his union was all over me.

[All screeching]

So, did Toby give ya your job back?

Yeah Cheech, my first day back and he gave me the day off.

Well, looks like I gotta find some other job.

Good thing you got the day off.

You don't know what it's like out there, Jimmy.

It's dog eat dog,

people killin' each other to climb the corporate ladder.

You look the wrong way, somebody stabs ya in the back.

Wait a minute.

You know exactly what it's like out there.

Yeah, I do!

Who knows?

Maybe I'll get one of them CEO jobs

where I can screw up and ask for a bailout.

I'm gonna get a job too.

Atta boy, Cheech.

Ya think I got a good voice for phone sex?

Yo Ma, are we poor?

No Gina, we're not poor.

We're just a little light right now.

That's an actual thing?

I thought it was somethin' deadbeats said

when they don't wanna pay.

No, it's an actual thing.

So if you're not poor,

why are you buying all this generic crap?

Grumpy Green Giant, Hamburger Hindrance,

Room Temperature Pockets?!

Who buys this stuff?!

Immigrants and hobos, honey.

Don't forget the elderly!

No one's talkin' to you, Toots!

Theresa,

just because it's called "dumpster diving"

doesn't mean you actually have to dive.

I know...

You do!

Ahhhhh!

[Grunting]

How much did we make?!

Pfft.

Can you believe this is the only job we could get?

I got 20 years experience runnin' a family business,

but no freakin' references.

You know who'da been a good reference?

Don Gambini.

He thought the world of you...

'til you whacked him.

Welcome to Blue Ball Ranch, boys.

What we do here is extract bull semen for export.

And how exactly do we do that?

Same way ya do at home.

You mean in front of the window,

with the neighbors watching?

[Grunting]

[Groaning]

God, my arm is tired.

Your arm?!

Yugh.

Thirty-two bucks?! That's it?

A broad who does the same job gets at least 80 bucks an hour!

A hundred if she does it like Cheech.

I still don't understand what your job is, Jimmy.

I don't bring my work home, unless it gets on my shirt.

Well, ya gotta find somethin' else.

We're barely scraping by!

We can't pay our bills,

and now Cheech is eatin' dog food.

It makes my coat shiny.

Cook, this is temporary.

We'll get through it.

Have I ever let you down?

Not until now you haven't.

What's this?

A pawn shop ticket.

I hocked my engagement ring to buy groceries.

You did what?!

Well someone has to provide for this family,

and right now that someone ain't you!

I can't believe you sold it without talking to me.

I was hungry!

I couldn't think straight!

I know things are bad, but look on the bright side.

They can't possibly get worse.

Aaand they just got worse.

CHEECH: Jesus Jimmy, I'm blind!

This is what we get for messin' with them bulls.

Are you kiddin' me?

What?!

I saw candles!

I thought romance was in the air.

Along with a hint of lavender.

That's Cheech burnin' furniture to stay warm.

And ya can forget foolin' around.

The mortgage company's breathin' down our necks.

If we don't pay on time, we lose the house.

Ten minutes of sweaty gropin' ain't gonna help.

Can't hurt.

What, so now you won't sleep with me 'coz I got no money?

I won't sleep with ya 'coz I got no ring.

It'd be a sin.

What about our vows?

For richer and for poorer?

I'm an Italian girl from Brooklyn.

I crossed my fingers during the poorer part.

What about durin' the "obey" part?

Yeah, I'm sleepin' on the couch, ain't I?

Hey, where'd you get all that money?

Do I ask you about your business?

Listen kid,

ya think ya could loan me a few bucks?

I might be able to help yas out.

You're a life saver.

At 18 percent.

WHAT?! That's crazy!

That's highway robbery!

That's--

That's my girl.

If ya don't mind my sayin', Pop,

you're stoopin' pretty low borrowin' money off a kid.

Tell me about it,

but I don't know what else to do.

You can act like a man!

[Mocking] Wah!

I don't know what else to do.

Get out there.

Pull some jobs!

There's banks, liquor stores,

convenience stores, credit unions--

and that's just robberies.

You could be out there runnin' numbers,

pimpin' broads, sellin' protection,

but instead you're sittin' around like a schmuck!

I don't even know you anymore.

Geez, maybe she's right.

[Doorbell ringing]

I got it!

JIMMY: Ah! Oh! Jesus! Die! F---!

Jimmy.

I've been concerned about your descent into abject poverty.

How are things?

To be honest, which is hard for me around cops,

not too good.

You're not considering a return to a life of crime, are you?

To be dishonest, which is way more up my alley,

no, not at all.

Take solace, Jimmy.

Sweet Mother Canada stands at the bottom of the abyss,

waiting to cradle you in the silky embrace

of her social safety net.

Say again? In American.

Tomorrow,

I want you to march down to the Service Canada office

and apply for Employment Insurance.

What the hell is that?

It's just like Unemployment Insurance

except they put a positive spin on the name

so the indigent don't feel like enormous bloodsucking leeches.

Which, of course, they are not.

Who sucked what?

Trust me, Jimmy,

your adopted nation has your back.

For Canada, where you can get money for nothing,

but the chicks aren't free!

[Whooooosh!]

[Man screaming in agony]

[Convulsing noisly]

That didn't work.

Next?

[Convulsing noisly]

Go on, Petey.

I'm not sure about this.

I love experiments.

I just don't want to be experimented on.

If you don't Petey,

they'll do it on an innocent little animal.

[Sad music playing]

♪

Okay, okay, I'll do it!

Great!

[Bunny screeching, groaning]

[Door opening]

How'd it go?

I feel surprisingly fine.

At first I was scared,

but after the probe everything went dark and--

That's great!

Where do we get paid?

Will there be any side effects from this?

Absolutely not.

[Roaring]

I'm sorry sir.

It says here you quit your full-time job,

which means you're ineligible for employment insurance.

Who, me? I didn't quit!

I quit!

So you're tellin' me I don't even qualify

for a handout?

Next in line.

Yeah, but--NEXT!

All right.

My wife don't respect me,

my daughter thinks I'm a schmuck,

and I'm gonna lose my house.

Time to go back to work!

And by work, I mean crime.

Crime?!

Why didn't ya think of that before?

The answer was right in front of ya!

Sometimes I wonder about you, Jimmy.

You know, I'm starting to think you care more about money

than you do about saving the Earth.

That's ridiculous.

I totally care about the Earth!

I also care about the Russian businessman

who lives on the Earth

and happens to need your kidney...

My what?!

Are you guys gonna take long?

Of course not.

Now we must take organs while fresh.

[Machines whirring, blades slashing]

Hey sleepy head.

[Teeth chattering]

S-s-s-so cold.

Yeah, about that.

I had a slight miscommunication with these guys.

I thought they were just takin' a kidney,

but they wanted everything!

Heart, lungs, even your do-dad.

Which the one guy wanted for a necklace.

What?!

But I couldn't let them do it.

Oh thank God.

Petey, I may have been using

your dumb infatuation with the Earth

to get important things like money,

and I'm sorry.

I know. It's okay.

In the end you stuck up for your little brother,

which warms my frozen heart.

Your heart coulda got me ten grand,

but I'm glad it's still inside you.

[Teeth chattering]

AH!

You're freezing, you little freak!

You trying to kill me?!

Man, I been keepin' a lid on my criminal side so long,

I feel rusty.

[Cracking neck and knuckles]

JIMMY THINKING: Ah, that's better.

I could rob that jewelry store.

Or snatch that lady's purse.

Hell, I could do both!

Rob that jewelry store

and then carry the jewels home in the purse.

Good thinkin', Jimmy-boy!

Nah, if I'm gonna do this, it's gotta be somethin' big.

Bingo!

Aw man, what the hell am I doin'?

What are you waitin' for?

Some idiot left the keys in a truck fulla money!

Don't do it Jimmy.

If you get caught,

that will mean the end of your witness protection.

I ain't gettin' caught.

But if you do, I can no longer protect you.

Like you need this gavone to protect you.

Jimmy, you would be endangering the lives of your family.

McCool's right, Jimmy.

Yeah, Pop. Don't do it.

It is a lot of money though.

Theresa!

I'm just saying.

What?

You guys took all the good costumes.

All right, I made up my mind.

I'm pretty sure I can risk it.

Jimmy, no!

but I won't risk it for my family.

I already put 'em through this once.

I ain't gonna do it again.

Hurray! For Cana--

Hurry up and steal the truck.

I need booze money.

I just hallucinated little people crawlin' all over ya.

Hey, some idiot left the keys in this truck!

Well Jimmy, I guess it's back to jerkin' bulls.

Remember the ol' days when we were short on cash?

We'd just throw a junior goodfella under a bus

and fleece the transit company for the insurance settlement.

Oh yeah, the good ol' days.

[Honking]

Can I wash these down with a little scotch?

Nope. Doctor's orders.

I'm sorry for everything I put you through, Cook.

I got ya a little somethin'.

Oh, Jimmy!

I love you!

[Roaring]

Jesus Christ!

Get me a bottle! I'm hallucinatin' again.

[♪]