Original subtitles

Alright Suzi are you ready?

Just a little bit that way darling, that's it

Ok after four

One, two, three, four

Stretch

Yeah

Round, stretch

That's a good girl Lucy

Get your legs up

Stretch right up like you're stretching for sweets on the top shelf

Come on, enjoy yourself

Hands on your hip like that

Yeah that's it

and the other one

Now wave with both hands

Right

That's it

Very good, come on Laura you can be leader now

Right out here stick to the edges that's right

Let's have a bit of a bum swing from you

Above your heads come on hands up

Oh swing those bums

That's it

and you're doing that cleaning your mums windows

Alright

and then you see your best friend

So your shouting out

Hi it's me, I'm here

Say hi

Say it's me

I'm here

Give me a five pound note

I want to go and spend it on sweets

I thought that would get you smiling

I thought you would like that

Come on who's going to be the leader now then

Right come on then

Time to go home

Not too much of a rush now I don't want you tripping over

Right get your coats and shoes outside as usual

Alright do you want to put your little cardigan on Suzi?

Eh put it on 'cause you might get a little chill

You've got your sleeves inside out

Get your coats now

If you can't reach your bags I'll get them down

That's it put your cardy on hope your headache's better soon

Alright bye darling bye

My bags next door

Your bags next door? Alright don't worry

Who's is the green coat?

Come on

Isn't it hot?

Gorgeous

Tell you what Andy, your lucky I'm not in the hospital

What?

That door swung back an nearly took me head off again

It's the hinge isn't it

Yeah it's that catch, it's gone

I'll have a look at it later

It's lethal

Oh I wish you would do something with this porch

I will do

It's embarrasing

Just got to get the rest of the timber, that's all

Oh And, you've been saying that for two years

Take these boards up to here bang a bit of trellis on the outside

Slap a coat of white paint on it

Get some nice creepers growing up it'll look lovely

I don't want trellis Andy, it'll look like a Chinese restaurant

It'll be nice

Hello Oh shut that door it's freezing

Oh you finished have you?

Nah I'm still in the bath

Wouldn't surprise me

Made a mess have you?

No

No

Oh hello

Alright

Where you been? Town

Hello Nat What you been doing?

Shopping

Want a little sandwich Andy?

Yeah what you got?

Cheese and toastie? Yeah lovely

Still got me glasses on, thought I was going blind

Here you are Tadaa chocolate!

You're chocoholic you are

You are, I could give it up tomorrow no trouble

Do you want coffee? No thanks

Please

Do you want a little sandwich Nat? Yeah

Do you want pickle? Course I want pickle

Gonna get out there this afternoon finish off that patio

Oh don't give me heart attack Andy please

I will, make a start

What did you get Nat?

A shirt Is this it?

Yeah Can I have a look?

If you want to

Oh it's nice Yeah it's alright isn't it

Why do you always get a man's?

'cause I like them

Suits me thanks alot Nat

Funny man

It's not for me?

No it's not for you

Oh shame I thought my luck had changed

You should get a nice blouse, short sleeves

Show yourself off a bit

Shut up Well

Don't listen to her

Nat - What?

Did you get me those fags?

No Why not?

I told you, if you want to smoke you can get your own fags

Well could you lend me some money?

How much?

A tenner

What's it for?

Alright, a fiver

Well what do you want it for?

Mind your own business

Suit yourself

You'll be charging interest next

Yeah it's a good idea

Capitalist

When did you get that?

This morning it's alright isn't it?

Nah, it looks like a tea towel

Yeah I was quite pleased with it myself

Hey Andy guess what What?

I woke up this morning, I felt a little bit what's it y'know and I thought to myself

Oh blimey don't tell me I'm in the family way

Oh Jesus Christ

What's the family way supposed to mean?

You know what it means

No, I know what pregnant means

You don't half talk some rubbish

Well, silly little sayings

Oh shut up

You shut up

I was lying there Andy I thought to myself

Aw I would love another little baby

You're too old to have a baby ain't you?

Course not

You may not be I am

You wouldn't see me for dust, I tell you

Oh don't Andy don't be rotten

Typical, typical man

Oh shut up, what do you know about men?

Enough

Anyway I thought to myself ah nevermind

I'll just have to wait till I'm a Grandma

You're going to have a long wait Yeah

Eh? Who would want them?

Oh that's nice

Stick a couple of brown paper bags over their heads

Might be able to flog them off cheap, sight unseen

Anyway I'm not going to waste my life

No? What're you doing now then?

Contributing a great deal aren't you sitting around on your arse all day

Yeah well I'm thinking about it

Oh yeah thinking about it that's the easy bit isn't it anyone can do that it's doing it that's difficult

Bollocks

Nicola

Shame though isn't it

They were such lovely little dolly what's it's

Sitting there in their matching little outfits

My little Natalie and my little Nicola

and now look at them Oh get a sick bucket

and when you have a bath Nicola, don't leave the towels on the bathroom floor stinking wet

Here we go

Well how many times have I got to tell you?

It's just two simple little movements

Down and up and pop it on the towel rail

Don't be patronising

and I won't tell you again about using my cotton wool balls

Oh don't be so selfish

What do you want two baths a day for anyway?

What, are you taking their side now?

I'm not taking anyone's side I'm just asking you a simple question

Yeah well don't

Here you are And

Oh cheers

Here you are Nat Ta

Don't light that cigarette Nicola, we're eating

Don't eat

It's lunch time, that's what you do at lunchtime eat

What's lunchtime anyway? It's only a convention

Nicola if you want to smoke while we're eating go up to your room alright

Anyway if you smoked less and you ate more you wouldn't be sitting there looking like a skeleton

It's better than looking like a beached whale

Oh thank you

Anyway your Dad likes something to grab hold of of the night

What blubber?

No

Me little love handles

We got a set each ain't we Andy

Oh you're disgusting

Oh shut up

Those sandwiches stink

Listen Nicola I told you if you don't like it you know what you can do

Yeah well I'm going - Good

Well go on then

In a minute

You can't go can you?

What's keeping you Nicola? eh?

She's bored

See you want to be with us so why don't you just act normal

Andy

What?

How about having a little go at the patio today? Please

Not today Wen

Why not?

It's gonna rain ain't it

It don't look like rain to me

I don't want to get all me sand and cement out and have it piss down on me, do I?

Well have a go at the bathroom then finish off me tiling

Yeah could do - Really?

Hang on hang on - What?

Ain't got no grout

Oh typical

Well I can get you grout

Eh? - From work

Today?

Well no not today it's Sunday, tomorrow

Water-proof grout?

Of course it's gonna be water-proof grout, it's for a bathroom

Yeah there's grout and there's water-proof grout isn't there

Allow me to know

Just make sure what you get is water-proof grout

Don't panic, I'll get you water-proof grout

Great, I'll do it next weekend

Can I have that in writing please

I have to say Wend this lamb is delicious

Oh is it? good

and the tiles are in the cupboard under the stairs right

Nice and pink, beautiful isn't it - Yeah it's nice

Are you eating yours missus

What's it to you?

She cooked it that's what it is to her

Oh shut up goodie two shoes

What's it like in the first class dining compartment then?

Listen if I choose to eat in my own space that's my perogative, right

Hey do you want a glass of low calorie H20?

Just leave her alone

Oh there she goes

It's the year of the horse

Eh?

Chinese

Oh yeah, do you want some more?

Yeah

Do you want some?

Yeah go on then

Cut me a nice big juicy slice you know that I like mine nice and juicy

Mother

No you can't rush him

Yeah he's happy going at that speed isn't he

Yeah, dead slow and stop

It's the door

Well answer it

It's that Patsy bloke

Open the door Nicola

No I don't know him

Course you know him

Go on I've got wet hands - So

Tell you what Nicola you're an awkward cow

Oh don't be sexist

Oh hello Patsy - Hello Wendy

Alright

Sorry to bother you on a Sunday like but eh...

I was wondering if Andy was in - Yeah

Only I was hoping to catch him down in the boozer like but I got a bit held up

Oh yeah

Had to go down and see me old Mum

Oh did you

Yeah he's down the bottom of the garden

Oh - Do you want to see him?

Yeah alright

Here come in then

Thanks very much, terrific

Hello girls

Hello boys

Hang on a minute

Patsy's here - What

Patsy

Ah there he is, I'll just slip out and see him if that's alright

Yeah that's alright Patsy go on

Just watch yourself on that little step - What?

That's the one yeah

Andrew - Hello Patsy how are you?

He must be in a right state

He's had about ten pints

Good job he's been banned from driving

Nice hairstyle

Aw I bet his Wife did those little streaks

She must of got one of them what's it's one of them £3.99 kits from the chemists

What you let him in for eh?

What was I supposed to do?

Fascist

I tell you what though I wouldn't trust him

I wouldn't trust anyone wearing a suit like that

They cost about 300 quid them suits y'know

What does he do anyway?

He doesn't do anything he's unemployed

Can have me hands on anything in here, you name it

Bit of old rope Christmas tree, guitar

Ah the old one armed guitar player eh

Yeah I was gonna fix it up put a new neck on it, new set of strings

Basically it's a good box

Mothers don't let your children grow up to be cowboys

Listen Andy eh do you want to get yourself out the house for a while?

Hello my friend

I love them

She can't stand them won't let them through the door

We got two of them

Car boot sale

Twins

Here have you got twenty minutes have you?

What for?

I've got something for you

Listen Patsy whatever it is I swear to God I can't afford it, I'm broke

Andrew I am advising you to accompany me to a certain place

Where I'm going to show you something

Where? What is it?

I am not prepared to reveal that at this stage

Why not?

It's a surprise

What is this?

Come on do us a favour

Give us a clue

No, shtoom is the word if you don't go you'll never know

Be there or be square

Nah

Alright, suit yourself

I'll see you in a minute

How long are you going to be

We'll be right back - Where you going?

I don't know

Where're you taking him Patsy?

Don't worry Wendy a little magical mystery tour

Eh Andy you've still got your hat on

Blimey, catch

Sure you two haven't got a woman

What with my luck?

What with a beautiful girl like you?

Heard it all before

See ya later

Dad, get us twenty silk cut

Get your own - Selfish pig

Oh it's nice and hot

It's a bit bright isn't it

That's it

That's right

Come on get in

What can't get it in the hole? hahaha shut up

Relax Andy relax

Oh hi Natalie

It's Nicola

Oh yeah sorry

I brought a pineapple

What for?

For your Mum, y'know

Ah

Do you want to come in?

Yeah thanks very much

Shut the door

Oh yeah

There you go

Nobody in?

Nah

Do you want to sit down?

Yeah yeah thanks very much

So Andrew what do you think?

I think it's a load of old crap that's what I think

What's the matter with it? - Look at the state of it

Nah, coat of paint

You're looking at the future mate

This could be the catalyst that sparks the revolution

This is what you've always wanted

I want this like I want a hole in the head

This is your chance to break out of the rat race

We should get a cat

Eh?

Get another cat like Tigger

What a little kitten? - Yeah

Nah

I don't want a moggy scratching all me furniture

Why do you want a cat?

No

I don't know why I said it really

We could get a big Rottweiller then it might eat Nicola

That's a good idea

That's one way of getting rid of her

We should get a crocodile

My hair's falling out

Yeah well stop pulling it then

It still falls out

It's really nice hair

Are you taking the piss?

No I mean it I'm sincere

Bollocks

You're a really attractive girl y'know

No I'm not

I'm too fat

Fat? What is fat?

It's all in the mind

Do you want to put it down

Yeah

I think it's on the turn but I didn't want to waste it

I had a few ideas but, y'know

Why didn't you eat it?

Great knees

Look at this rust every where

There you go lightning striking a cup of tea

It's falling apart the strong winds the roof would come off

Here you are have a look inside

I'm not going in there mate I value my health to much

No no feel free

No way

Ripe isn't it

It's just a bit musty needs a bit of air through it

I bet there's something died in here

Are you sure this is on the level Patsy?

Of course it is it belongs to my brother

Look the old griddle

Ah there she is, beautiful

Haven't seen those in a while

Ah she's still in good nick though

You must be joking it's fucked isn't it

It's got everything you need in here

I'm making a tea Nicola do you want one?

Oh hello Aubrey - Hello Wendy

What're you doing here?

I brought you a pineapple

Oh did you? Oh isn't it a big one

Andy's not here He's just popped out

Yeah?

How long have you been here?

Oh fifteen twenty minutes

Oh you haven't Aubrey

Straight up

Nicola - What?

Why didn't you tell me Aubrey was here you knew I was sitting out the back

No I never

Yes you did

Are you calling me a liar?

Yes I am calling you a liar

I thought you had gone for a walk

Don't be so stupid I've never been for a walk in me life have I

Sorry about this Aubrey - No sweat

Come and have a little seat in the garden

Take your coat off get the sun on yourself

Well she's a nice girl

Yeah nice with her head in a bucket

Look at that brilliant

Tell you what mate I'll let you have these comestibles for nothing

I promise you Andy

You go down White Hart Lane on a Saturday for the home games

A man of your skills a couple of hundred beef burgers

You'll make a fortune I'm telling you

Excuse me guvnor

I'll have 4 hamburgers 3 egg burgers

A sausage roll and onion a bacon egg and cheese roll

A tea, a bovril and a large vodka

Sold to the man with the beard

I have to admit Patsy I am tempted

No

No regrets

No

No regret rien

Oh yeah that's what I remember yeah

She sang it in French

Yeah she was from France

She was thin

She was thin she was French

She dead though ain't she

Yeah she was a prostitute

So

Shut up

The sparrow

Yeah the little sparrow that's right yeah

So are you all set then Aubrey?

Got all your little menus printed up and everything?

Oh yeah - Yeah good

No I haven't actually

Oh blimey when do you open?

Tuesday

Well it only gives you a couple of days

How's everyone meant to know what they want to eat

They might not want to eat

Oh here we go

Don't be stupid it's a restaurant

So

It's alright by me if they don't want to eat they can bask in the atmosphere

Oh blimey you're not going to make much profit that way Aubrey

No manger-e no sweat

That's daft

No it aint

Parisien

Why don't they eat in Paris then?

Good one

Seven

Two-fifty

I'll come down to six

Right three hundred

Five-fifty

So I'll give you three hundred now and fifty when I've checked out the gear

Five hundred

Four hundred

Four fifty

Four twenty five

Alright done - right- it's a deal

Cheers

Hang on hang on drop the wheel

Drop the wheel there you go

and up

Hey how about that sweet as a nut

Genius

Just get parked up be right back

Off you go

Oh Andy

What do you think?

Oh Andy you haven't

She loves it Patsy

Look at it, mobile goldmine I can feel it in me water

Oh Andy you're joking me?

I'm not, I promise God's truth, no word of a lie

Have you bought it?

Yeah good isn't it?

No - Great

What do you reckon?

Not much

Andy it's a heap of rubbish

What do you mean?

Well look at it

It's got character isn't it

I love it

It's disgusting

Eh?

It's ecologically unsound

You're ecologically unsound

Bollocks

What do you reckon Nat?

It's embarrassing

Eh?

Nah, you and me soon get it licked into shape

You must be joking

It's all rusty

No no Wendy that is just superficial

Know what I mean

Bit of treatment, nice coat of paint it'll come up lovely

This is you isn't it?

Eh?

Oh Patsy

Excuse me mate if you don't mind

What?

Oh yeah yeah cool

Isn't it great Aub?

Yeah yeah yeah it's eh

The possibilities are eh..y'know

Yeah it's all there, the works all you need

Where're you going to keep it Andy? 'cause you're not keeping it here

Get a lock-up or something

Andy

I'll be right with you mate just give me what's it's

Andy

What's going on Patsy?

Nothing

Well how much is he paying you for it then?

Well that is not for me to say Wendy

You're behaving like a big kid

Don't be cheeky

Alright Patsy

Andy where're you going?

Ten minutes Wend

Where're you going

I'll be right back - Bye bye Wendy

Andy

What's he doing?

Getting conned

As usual

Aubrey are you alright?

Oh blimey

I thought you had copped it then

Yeah sorry it went up on me there

Yeah

I wondered what was happening and...

Have a cup of tea

Ah jackpot

There you go mate

Thanks very much Andy

Alright mate I'll see you through the week

Don't you want a lift?

Nah I've got to go and see me old Mum

Alright - Y'know what I mean

Alright cheers all the best

To be honest with you

It's worth far more in scrap value alone than what I paid for it

So what did you pay for it then?

What?

Well..what I done I mean I haven't actually.. it depends what you mean by

See he's not cracking on Aubrey

No no no I know what I'm doing

Ha ha could of fooled me

Well I hope you didn't pay more than ten quid for it

Well I paid more than ten quid for it yeah but look at it, it's an investment

Tory

So what do you think about it Aubrey?

Yeah mate

It's..

Now be honest

Yeah gilt edged y'know

See Aubrey knows the game

Can't go wrong

Ronald McDonald had to start somewhere didn't he

Oh blimey it's old Big Mac sitting here look

So when are we going to see your restaurant then Aub

Yeah

Whenever you like

Have a little nose

Yeah before you open if you want any advice

He wants it to be a success Dad

Shut up - Yeah

I'd love you to see my restaurant

Don't get me wrong I'm confident

Infact I'm mega confident

Oh are you?

I just haven't had any outside input y'know

Oh haven't you?

We could go now Wend

Yeah alright

He might want to stay here

Well what does he want to stay here for?

'cause

He can do what he likes

We can go now yeah cool

Well yeah yeah yeah great

Just give me us minute to powder my nose then

Hey

Andy have you fell in?

What?

We've seen it all before y'know

He fell in the water

Prat - Boring git

Shut up

You're going to break a leg one of these days Andy

You alright Andy?

Yeah mate just mucking about

Aubrey

Oh blimey

I thought we were going to take off then

I've got no handles I can't get out - Yeah I know that's why I'll have to come around

Hey Andy I thought we were going to fly then

I can't get it up ooh

That's fantastic isn't look look Wend tres exclusive

It's nice Andy - Yeah great

It's in good nick isn't it - I like the lamps

Oh that's where you're going to keep your little menus is it in there?

Yeah I can't find the key though

Well you need a key Aub

What is it?

Aw it's a little pet cat look

It's a little moggy

Aw bless him

Yeah it's fantastic isn't it

I was going to put this up here

Oh you can't

No not in a restaurant Aubrey it'll put people off their food

No it'll smell - Yeah

See what I'm going for here is eh..

The street

Eh the War - Yeah

and I've got these accordians from a car boot sale

and I'm going to stick them up there and eh

They are going to represent the eh

Music of Paris

Do they work Aubrey?

No they're knackered

I got the three of them for £17.50 y'know

They saw you coming mate

Yeah well the birdcages

I'm going to hang them up all over the ceiling

Yeah you've got a load of them ain't you

They're going to eh

Symbolise

The sparrow

Oh I like the bike

Oh yeah ah isn't it novel

It's brilliant isn't it

The old onion seller

That's in the wrong place

Oh blimey

Is this the original French article Aubrey?

Yeah yeah

No it was my Dads actually yeah it was in the shed

Aww isn't that nice Andy

Aww he would of been proud of you Aubrey

No I don't think he would of cared less Wendy y'know

He was a nasty old bastard

Here look at this

Oh you've got a fish tank look

That's good isn't it

Oh yeah

I thought they were real

So did I

Oh fish look a bit unfit don't they

The water's murky isn't it

Yeah I'm going to put a couple of lobsters in there

So people can choose them and I'm going to cook them in over a minute y'know

Nice one

Yeah so where are you going to put your prawns then?

Prawn

Is that all? just one?

King prawn

Oh sorry

Anyway you like Wendy y'know

It's all a matter of what picture you want to paint

You having all black plates then?

Yeah, great canvas

What sort of sauce are you using there Aub?

Basically jam blended with orange juice

Orange juice

What's that white stuff? cream?

Nah it's fromage frais isn't it - Yoghurt

Is it?

I think you'll find that fromage frais will bubble on you And

It needn't

I acheived this effect by eh

Gently

Easing

Teasing

and squeezing

Oh don't be so dirty

Until you've got a nice symmetrical circle

and eh

Then we eh

Chisel in the pattern with the end of a knife and Bob's your Uncle it's ready to set

Aw it looks nice though Andy

Your grill's in a bit of a state Aubrey

Is it?

Oh yeah the girl can do all that

When they starting then your girls?

The dogsbody tommorow then the waitress on Tuesday

Oh right - Great team

Ah I love your little candles

Bistro effect isn't it

Yeah they're great ain't they

I've been trying to get them all the same length

But eh

I keep forgetting to blow them out y'know and have to start all over again

I've been through 12 boxes this week

Ah that'll be your first little booking

Here we go

Hello the Regret Rien

Oh hi Hilary

How are you? are you in the starting blocks raring to go? great

You what?

Hang on a minute

Say that again

Look at the state of this place

Aww shame isn't it

I don't think he'll be ready y'know

You want to see the ladies toilet

Still, all credit to him - Aw bless him yeah

Puts the old caravan in perspective doesn't it

Aw Andy please don't remind me

What do you mean?

Well I don't want it sitting there do I for 2 years blocking my view

Nah this has inspired me

I want to get back get down to work, get stuck in

Pigs might fly

Fuck you

What's up mate?

Nothing

Do you want a cigar Andy?

No thanks mate I don't use them

Wendy would you like a liquor

No ta no I'm fine

Who's that then?

My waitress

What the big girl? - yeah The Aussie? - yeah

No Kiwi

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Got to laugh ain't you

What's the matter then?

She's eh let me down y'know

How do you mean?

She's going away with her boyfriend

When?

Today

She was phoning from Heathrow

Where's she going

Flipping Prague

Aww

Oh that's not right

No that's not on mate - No sorry

It's great isn't it

You give someone a break a chance to better themselves

An opportunity to enter into brave new venture

and what do they do?

Piss off to Poland

Well that's typical Aussie isn't it, travellers

Students

It's Czechoslovakia isn't it, Prague?

Yeah is it?

Yeah

It's alright I can cope

I can do it on my own - No you can't

Yes I can I've come this far so far solo I can go the whole hog

I can wait on table I can do that, I'm not proud

I can eat in a fucking kitchen

Aubrey Aubrey calm down calm down

What you got to do you got to get onto an agency

Get a waitress over here to cover you til you get yourself sorted out

Yeah 'cause you need that little support

That's right

It's alright Andy

Wendy

Everything's hunkydory cool

I'm in complete control

If ever I see her again

I'll stick a knife in her guts

I'll slice her face off y'know

Whoah whoah whoah whoah whoah

Jesus Christ don't the neighbours complain?

My eardrums please - oh dear

Sorry sorry I got over excited

I am so grateful thank you

Really really from the deepest part of my heart, thank you

Aubrey shut up right - No no I'm sincere

Now listen

You're in trouble, right? and I'm helping you out 'cause that's what friends are for

That's right isn't it Andy

It's it's it's amazing

But you haven't even done bar work Wend, let's be honest

No but I'm confident I can have a go

Let's face it, have you ever been a waitress?

No - No

But I've been waiting on you all these years haven't I so

To be totally honest Andy I think Wendy will be a natural y'know

She's got such grace and charm - Thank you Aubrey

Excuse me are we talking about the same girl?

Don't be rotten

Eh listen, what have I got to wear?

Black waitress uniform

What? little French maids outfit?

Eh Andy look at his face

No anything you like Wendy y'know

Comme ci comme ca come casual

What? skirt and blouse type of thing yeah?

Yeah great

See if you've got anything in pink Wend

Oh shut up you

Listen, aren't you going to pay me?

Oh yeah

How much?

£25 a week

What?

You're joking me

Leave it out

What time's that flight to Prague? - Yeah we'll be on it

No no no

No you don't understand

That's just a basic for the paperwork, the tax-man y'know

How do you mean?

Well you get to keep all your tips that's 12 and a half percent

and if you don't get at least a £100 a week I'll make up the difference

Oh that's not bad

Oh that sounds alright yeah that'll go towards the holiday

I don't want to talk about money anyway

You can have what you like £1000 a week y'know

Yeah alright you're on

Well y'know what I mean

Is this your passion pit then Aub?

Oh yeah this is where he brings all the girls Andy

This is the only room I've had decorated

Oh yeah it's nice though isn't it, this is what I call a proper boys room y'know

Yeah

Great bed

Orthopedic

£300

How many does it hold?

Oh careful

Oh dear me

Aubrey

You alright mate?

What're you doing? coming up for air?

Thought I'd lost that

What are you looking for fivers down there?

No all I'm saying Andy

Is I think you made a big mistake

That's all

Little beauty ain't she

I mean if you got yourself a bank loan

and bought a really decent van that's one thing

But buying this I mean you're throwing good money after bad

Have we got any bin bags?

I mean look at all this it's rubbish

What do you think I want the bin bags for? of course it's rubbish

It's all rubbish I know that

That's why I want to get this lot cleared out then I can see what I've got

Well I'm sorry Andy I can't get any enthusiasm for it

I know you can't it's obvious

To be honest with you I would appreciate if you could

Could do with a bit of moral support

You'll have to get a license y'know

What?

and I tell you what if you park this on someone elses pitch

You're going to get yourself duffed over

I can look after myself

Oh can you?

Have you ever seen those hot dog fellas they're all like that

Don't know what you're talking about

Lipstick's a bit bright Nat

Oh very amusing

Where're you going?

Drink

Have one for me

Staying in?

Yeah

Yeah he's got to save up now pay for this heap of what's it

So long as he's happy

That's right Nat thanks alot much appreciated

That's alright

Going in I'm freezing

Tell you what Andy

Hope it don't rain tonight, you'll need your snorkel in here in the morning

I think she likes it don't you?

Yeah she's over the moon

See ya - See ya

Have a good time

Have another shot then

Oh very flash

£200?

Oh Andy

Well you're not paying him anymore alright?

Look, do you want me to carry on doing my brain in at that bloody place for the rest of my life?

No of course I don't

Right

So I'll give it a go at the weekends

and if it works out I'll jack in the day job

Andy you can't jack in your day job before you've got something definite to go to right?

On a bank holiday weekend I could make

What?

Two? two and a half thousand quid

Oh Andy

You're just a big softy you are

Well who's to say, alright it's a risk I admit that but it's a risk worth taking isn't it?

I suppose if the worst comes to the worst we could always go on our holidays in it

That's right, reconvert it to an ordinary caravan

Stick a couple of bunk beds in it

Have a little bunk up

Oh yes please

Eh

Eh how about

How about

Orthopedic five hundred quid y'know

Bouncing up and down on his bed

Orthopedic y'know Orthopedic y'know

Tell you, you want to watch out for Aubrey in that kitchen

He'll come up behind you with a cucumber

Listen I don't think it'll be a cucumber he'll be coming up behind me with

Well maybe you fancy him I don't know

Oh you're joking I'm not that desperate

Aw bless him

I feel sorry for him actually

He's not a bad bloke Aubrey

What're you doing?

What?

I like it do it again

I'm not doing anything I'm not

Go on then

Has Nicola come to bed yet?

Yeah I think so

Oh I tell you what Andy

She gets me in a right state that girl

I heard myself shouting at her this morning and I thought this isn't me

I don't recognise myself y'know it's horrible

Good job they're not identical

Oh blimey yeah

Oh I used to think

It'll be so nice to go to discos together and...

Bring the boyfriends home

I won't let you go

Buttered muffins

What??

Alright my friend

Don't run

More colour

Chop chop

Are you happy in your work Chef? - Over the moon mate

Someone's got to do it and at this stage it happens to be you

and you've got two little chunky legs

and you're lovely yeah

and you're going to grow up to be a boxer

Be a big boxer or a wrestler

and I bet you're just like your Dad eh?

Are you just like your Daddy?

Do you have anything in navy?

Navy? yeah

Oh listen take no notice of me, I get all carried away y'know 'cause mine are grown up now

I don't want any pastels - No that's right yeah

'cause you are going to a wedding yeah a little bird told me yeah

So lets have a look what we got

Now

There's that little outfit that's French

But that's a little bit girly isn't it - He needs something sophisticated

More sophisticated yeah 'cause he's not a girly boy is he

Do you know what I mean?

He's more a boys boy I mean you couldn't mistake him for a girl could you?

No he's a boy - Yeah

What's his name? - Nigel

Aw bless him

Little nidgy Nigel

Well lets see what we've got for you then Nigel

Lets have a little look

That's a bit baby baby

Oh a minute

That's nice

We sell alot of them

Oh I don't think so

Oh it looks nice on it really does a little sailors outfit

How's that old boyfriend then Nat?

What old boyfriends that then Steve?

Oh come on

I'm single and care free thanks

Yeah

I wish I was

You never said you was coming today

I'm sorry

I'll go shall I?

No

What's all this?

What does it look like?

A fucking dump

Like the rest of your house

Middle class wanker

This your old mans?

Yeah

What? you going on holiday?

Nah it's what he wants to be buried in

Well come on

Oh that's alright I didn't want a coffee anyway

Well it's a dump isn't it - Yeah

What're you waiting for?

Go on

So what've you been doing?

Working

Leave it out

I have

What sort of work?

Writing - Writing?

Yeah

Writing what?

A novel

What's so funny?

You writing a novel what's it about?

Don't know haven't started it yet

Am I in it?

No

Is it auto biographical? - Course it is

What're you doing?

Get off

No

Hold on a minute

Jesus no

What?

Not again it's boring

Well I'm not doing it then

Well don't do it

Oh come on

Here you go

No thanks I've just eaten

Haha wise guy

Lie down then

You pervert

Don't stop

I've had enough

What?

I can't eat no more I'm full up

It's not a joke

I'm going to puke

Weak

Are you going then?

No

Well you're not staying

Thought I could get in there with you

No you won't

What's a matter with you?

Nothing

I don't agree

EH?

Don't shout you sexist pig

Why're you shouting sexist?

'cause that's what men do - You're full of shit

Why is it you never want me to stay?

What's in this machine Nicola?

My bedding

Not again

Why didn't you peg my washing out?

I'll do it later

Blimey it could of been dry by now

So what've you been doing all morning?

Sweet Fanny Adams as usual

Anybody ring?

Like who?

Like your Grandad for instance

No

No

Look at Andy on his picture

I still reckon he looks so Tommy Cooper

What did you have for you're breakfast?

A big fry up

No really

Toast

I don't beleive you Nicola

Can you lend us a couple of quid?

What for?

A packet of fags

No chance

Mean cow

If you're giving your stomach a rest you might as well give your lungs a rest an all

So what have you been up to?

Nothing

Look at the state of you chalk white face

Blimey you look like a ghost

You'd frighten the birds you would

No wonder you didn't peg my washing out

Ooh nevermind eh

I was like you

I started at the bottom y'know

I was on the sick for six weeks before I got a look in

It's all about keeping your eyes peeled

These tongues are a pain in the neck

Can't get into the crevices

Is it a pigs tongue?

Lambs tongue

Couldn't get a pigs tongue in your mouth

It would stick in your throat

Would it?

You look quite attractive in white

Suits you

There's the skins chuck them away

Good

Hey

You got rythym y'know

Here have some more

You done really well today

Have I?

Yeah

I'm really pleased with you

You're quite a tasty little worker y'know

That's nice

It's a bit old fashioned looking isn't though that one

Black skirt, white blouse it's traditional, I like it

Oh Andy my legs are like jelly sticks I'm sorry I said I would do it now

Just go for it

You wore that for Joans wedding didn't you

Oh blimey yeah

Aw poor Joan

Poor Donald

What about Tracy?

I like this

Yeah now you're talking - Yeah that's the one isn't it

Yeah

I preferred the white

Oh blimey

I'm going to be late

Oh eh Andy do you remember this?

You do us any tea Wend?

Yeah there's a little chicken casserole in the oven

That's nice

You hungry?

Here I went to this old girls house today right

She had her dead dog lying on the sofa

She never - Eh?

No, the skin spread out like a rug

Oh charming - Eww

She had arthritic hands couldn't turn her tap on

Thought it was bust

I went straight to it gave it a good twist and it was perfectly alright

So what did you do then?

Well I changed the washer for her so she didn't look stupid

Oh that's a good girl

Did you charge her a call out?

Well I had to you know what they're like

I didn't want to

Where's this then?

Off the A10 somewhere

She said she would give me some toffee though she couldn't find her ration book

Did she? Aww bless her

I don't suppose you know what a ration book is do you?

Course I do

Learn allsorts in your business don't you

and she kept calling me a good lad

Oh she never?

Yeah

Well you should of said to her listen I'm a Miss

Nah no point

More interesting than my job

Same every day

We had a bloke slice the end off his finger this morning

What right off?

No there was like a flap

No Andy don't

Christ - There was alot of blood

No it was his own fault

I've a very good accident record as it happens

Yeah we know

No it's true, It's because I drum it into them health and safety, health and safety

Still you're always going to get someone showing off ain't you

Yeah

Oh blimey I haven't done my nails

Come on lets leave her in peace she's got to get ready for her big night

and shut the door

Oh Wendy

You look fantastic do you know that Wendy?

Oh thanks only I didn't want to let you down y'know

You haven't

I've had six different blouses on tonight

No so as long as you're happy y'know

You're superb

Eh is that what you're wearing?

?They lend you that for having soup? That's what me Mum used to say

Are you hungry?

I'll buy you some fish and chips later y'know

Will you?

I might

See you've got tomato souffle - Yeah

Kidney vol-au-vent - Oh vol-au-vents yeah

We had them on me 21st vol-au-vents they're nice

This is the whole kidney

King prawn in jam sauce - Oh yeah just the one

Chilled brains, they speak for themselves - Oh not brains

Prune quiche, that's one for our vegetarian friends

Right

Black pudding and camembert soup - Oh no don't

Boiled bacon consomme - Oh no consomme that's the same as soup isn't it?

It's basically the bacon water - Yeah

That's like what your Mum gives you when you're ill?

and a saveloy on a bit of lychees - Oh I got a little Chinesey one in there

That's all your hors-o'deurs and that's your entrees

Right so this is me main course type of thing right

What's that one there pork what? pork list?

Pork cyst

Cyst?

Yeah

Oh you're joking me?

No

No it's not called cyst?

Aw me Dad had one of them - Did he?

Yeah underneath

Hey cough

Aw bless him

What is it?

It's like a dumpling y'know

Oh I couldn't

and then we have duck in chocolate sauce

yeah

Tongues in a rhubarb bouillabaisse - Oh no

Liver in lager

and clams in ham

That's with a pan fried coq au base sauce

Yeah

Or quails in a bit of spinach with treacle

Or my piet de resistance grilled trotters with eggs over easy

Oh right what's over easy?

State side sunny side up y'know

Oh yeah the one I can turn

Oh blimey Aubrey I'll never remember all this

You'll be fine

Any problems refer them to me

Yeah but you'll be in the kitchen cooking won't you

Yeah I'll be in there, I'll be out here I'll be everywhere

I'll be chef patron y'know

Well you should of had your little menus printed up like I told you, right?

Yeah yeah no sweat

I want this restaurant to be built on a one to one mouth to mouth reputation y'know

Would you like a glass of wine Wendy?

Oh no thanks no me stomachs all of a go with me nerves

Yeah go on in it might sort you down

Oh go on then just half a glass

Oh blimey I forgot I've got something for you - Have you? oh great

Alright?

I want to go for a fag

What?

Now?

We're busy

Are we?

Yeah go on then, be quick just have half of one

With a bit of luck I'll get me fortune told later

Feel free

Got a little card for you

Oh thanks very much - That's from me an Andy and the girls

Oh that's fantastic

That's really brilliant, that's really marvellous you're a really attractive woman, thanks very much

All the best good luck

Thank you

We are now officially open - blimey sorry sorry

As far as I'm concerned

Footbal died the day Arsenal won the double

That's right yeah

What was they? workhorses

Boring buggers ain't they

Where as the Spurs double team they was artists wasn't they

Yeah they was artists

Twenty one quid a week they got, can you imagine?

What do they get today? millions

Then they've got the back handers on top of that ain't they

Poncing round the penalty area with their handbags

Yeah prima donnas

Oh he kicked me, ref

Brown

Baker

Henry

Blanchflower

Yeah Danny boy

Yeah

He was the architect of the modern game y'know

That's right yeah

Norman, McKay

Jones, White, Smith Alan Dyson

Yeah, come on you Spurs

John White what a player eh?

Yeah

I used to have a little picture of him on my wall

Ringed in black - Yeah tragic

What a way to go

Struck by lightning

On a golf course

Yeah what a waste eh?

Do you want another?

Yeah alright

Want something with it?

Yeah, rum and black

Large one?

Yeah alright - Yeah

See the thing is

Is that people don't like to venture out too early do they?

No not on a Tuesday no

No they like to get home

Have a bath

Chill out

Have their tea

and then go out to eat

Did you put an advert in the paper?

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

No I didn't actually

You should of had some little cards printed then I could of given them out in the shop

Yeah I didn't want to attract the wrong sort of people y'know

Oh charming oh thanks very much Aubrey

Would you like another glass of wine Wendy?

Oh yeah go on alright I'll keep you company

Great hands

Do you think you'll ever have kids?

No

Well you're pretty sure for one so young

What? and look like a tank for nine months? give me a break

Is that all you're worried about? what you'll look like?

I'd make a good Mother

Oh would you?

Yeah

Why? do you want kids?

Yeah

In the fullness of time

Do you?

Course

You've got to have a boy friend first

Yeah one does generally need a bloke this is true

Well you're not doing very well then are you?

Well I haven't seen your men exactly queuing up in droves

You don't know

What? they sneak around here in the day time do they when no one's in?

Anyway you don't need a bloke to have a kid

Well I wouldn't fancy bringing one up on me own

Well it's better to be on your own than be with a bastard

Well presumably you wouldn't choose a bastard in the first place if you had any sense

All men are bastards

What?

They're all potential rapists

That's a bit sweeping

All men have got the ability to rape

Well they don't all do it do they?

If they've got the ability they've got the desire

That's paranoid rubbish

What do you know about paranoia?

Well not half as much as you do I'll give you that

You'll find out when you get to America

I'm only going on a holiday

So?

What? you think I'm going to get yanked off the plane at J.F.K. airport and be raped and pillaged do you?

You've got to be on your guard

Did you hear what I just said?

What?

Yanked

Get it?

What?

Yanked

America

Racist

There's another bloody couple coming

N..Yeahp

Yeah they're coming this way

Definetly

Do you want me to tell Paula again?

Yeah action stations

No

Shit

Fucking yuppies

They went straight past

Oh did they?

Oh perhaps they weren't hungry

Where's Pauline?

She's sitting on your work surface

Is she?

Yeah she's picking

Right

Don't sit up there Pauline

It's unhygenic

Cross infection

These stocks are reducing nicely

Secret of a great sauce

Is a well reduced stock

No stock no sauce

Keys to the door

You're working with a genius

Do you know that?

I'm not just a wanker y'know

I could teach you things

You've never even dreamed of

I'm a magician

I want a drink

Well there's plenty of orange juice in there, help yourself

I want some wine

I can't have you getting drunk

Kitchen's a very dangerous place

She's got wine

Me and Wendy

We go back a long way

Y'know

I'm a friend of the family

Classic nose

Here you are

Here

What you think of this?

What you got there?

Lets have a look

A pocket telly

Yeah

Have a look?

Feel free

That's good isn't it

Yeah neat

There we go

Leave it out

You fool

Eh seen these? Give us it, give us back

How much do you want for that then?

I could

Let you have it half price

A hundred knicker

Yeah nice isn't it

Yeah

Be tasty on the salad wagon

Wouldn't it?

Nah can't afford it

What about that hundred?

What hundred?

That hundred you never gave me

Y'know

If someone had turned up with that twenty five years ago

Instead of a bloody martian

You would have to beleive them wouldn't you?

Yeah yeah

So you don't want it?

No Patsy I don't want it

I don't want anything

Mean bastard

Come on you bastards

I'm open

I'm ready, I'm waiting for you this is what you've all been waiting for

Come and get it

Fish wifes

Footballers

You English dickhead

You can stick to your fish and chips go on, go and get cancer

Thousand pounds

Ten thousand pounds

Go on mate cook him

You working class morons

Go and eat your own shit go on

That is enough

No more

Right?

'cause you're being a naught boy

Marry me Wendy

What?

I want to marry you

Now stop it

Aubrey stop it get off

I love you

Y'know

Now don't be stupid, right?

I'm already married I'm married to Andy

I love Andy he's my best friend

Yeah well we're very fond of you now you know that

I don't care, I don't care if you're married to Andy

You can still marry me you just don't have to tell him

Now stop it right now sit down

Sit down

What're you doing?

Get off me

Aubrey stop it now

I want to fuck you Wendy

Now stop talking like that

Now just stop it right, because Andy won't let me come here again

Do you hear me? he won't

I worship the ground you walk on

Now look you're bending down that means you're going to be sick

I kiss your feet

Well there might be a little bit of doggy on me shoes right, and you're not going to like that so get up

Nicola

What?

Oh Nicola

Nicola's not here right she's at home saving the world

Now look you've got vodka all down you're suit

and that's your best suit you've bought for tonight, right?

Sit down - I don't want it

I don't want it - What?

Sit down - I want Andy to have this

Andy doesn't want it

Yeah he's a poor man - Andy's got a suit

No he can wear it in the fucking stupid caravans

Now stop that

Behave yourself

He can have the suit 'cause he's all scruffy

What're you doing?

I'm going to give him the suit - Leave your trousers on Aubrey

Aubrey leave your trousers on

Behave yourself and leave your trousers on

I love him and Nicky

I tell you what

What're you doing now?

You're going to fall

No I'm not drunk right I'm not drunk

Aubrey stop it

Now behave yourself right you're being silly

Aubrey

Aubrey will you stop it

Now you're behaving like an idiot listen to me

No you don't do any more, no

Blimey

Shame though isn't it

Come on Paula we're going

Oh look at me

Oh that's alright he'll find them there in the morning

Oh what a night

I tell you what

Never again

What a mistake

It's alright he's only asleep he's not dead

There's no need to be frightened

I'm not frightened

Eh?

Nothing to be frightened of

Alright

Is this your little coat

and here's your bag

Now how're you getting home?

Eh?

Bus

Right got you're fare?

Where's your little purse?in here?

Where's your cigarettes?

In the pocket

Right come on then

What's a matter?

eh?

We're going for chips

Who's going for chips? - Me and Aubrey

Aubrey's in a coma he doesn't want any chips

Well he'll be hungry when he wakes up won't he

It stands to reason

Alright I'll buy you chips

I don't want no chips

Alright well I won't buy you chips

Come on Paula

Look I tell you what take your hat off

and put your coat on we don't want to frighten people do we?

Oh Nicola

Oh blimey hark at him

Look I tell you what

I'll run you to the bus-stop, ok?

Paula

Are you coming with me?

Stopping here

You can't stop here

Please Paula

Come on

Blinking heck

Andy

Andy

What?

Oh blimey what're you doing?

Tidying up

You're not having no lager

Get us a lager Nat

You must be joking

You've had enough lager for tonight right blooming lager lout, now get up the stairs

What're you doing? - There's somebody at the door

There's nobody at the door that's you

Listen you'll have Irene banging on the wall again - What do you want? who is it

Where's the lager?

In the fridge

Get up the stairs - Alright alright

Look at the state of you

You've got your best trousers on you've got your new shoes

Now what? what're you doing?

Can you shut the caravan door? - I've shut the caravan door

Are you going to be sick? Don't you be sick on me Andy

Nicola shut the caravan door

No

Brown, Baker Henry

How did it go tonight?

Terrible if you must know

Why?

I'll tell you later, no Andy no get in that toilet and do a wee

Blimey look this is the seat

I don't want me carpet all soaking wet

and close the door you've got two daughters

What's a matter with you?

That's what's a matter with me I've got two daughters

Oh shut up - What did I tell you

So come on then, what happened at the restaurant?

How many tips did you score?

Nothing happened at the restaurant right? and keep it out

I've had enough for one night I'm up to here with the lot of you

No he could be dead this morning y'know Andy I'm not kidding

All that broken glass he might of severed an artery

Should of called the police shouldn't I?

I feel like Princess Margaret

I could of killed you last night

I'll drop in on him on my way back from work, tell him he was out of order

Will you? Yeah

Suppose I've lost me hundred quid now haven't I?

I'll get it off him, he's not going to get away with that

Outrageous behaviour

I got to go Wend

See you tonight

I'll be late

Where're you going?

I'm meeting Patsy for a drink

You're not?

Got you!

Get out

Come on lets go up

No

What?

Not yet

I know you want it

Do I? Yeah

How do you know?

Syncronicity

Shut up

I don't want it

What do you mean?

I want you

Sentimentalist

Nah nah nah

I come in we go straight upstairs, we do it

Bingo you're a pain in the arse I don't want that, I want to see you nice

Well what's nice? it's only a boring cliche

No nice, nice show me a bit of civility a bit of respect

You don't show me no respect

I'm trying to respect you now, trying to treat you like a real person

Instead of some fucking shag bag

Come on talk to me

What about?

Anything

Anything you think anything you know

What do you care about?

Eh?

You got all these fucking books upstairs

Women who love men too much men who hate women, women who love

and women in love, womens ruin female eunuch

Have you read any of that crap?

What's it to you? Have you?

Course

So what have you learnt from it?

That I'm a feminist

What's a feminist?

Oh come on

No no no what does it mean?

Stop being antagonistic

I'm not being antagonistic I'm trying to have an intelligent conversation with you

Are you capable of that?

Eh?

I don't think you are are you?

Really

Bit vacant aint you

Bit of an air-head

Nothing going on

Bit dumb

Bit dizzy

Dimbo bimbo dumb blondster ain't you?

Eh hello anyone at home hello hello

You're a fake

I am intelligent

Are you coming upstairs?

No

Well piss off then

Alright

Blimey days Nicola look at the state of you

You're sitting there like there's a grey cloud over you it's like the sun's gone in

You've got no energy 'cause you don't eat your dinners

and you've got no joy in your soul

How do you know?

I know because you've given up 'cause your not happy, that's how I know

I am happy

You've lost all your friends

I don't see them knocking on the door anymore

I don't want friends they dissapoint you

I mean you say you want to change the world

You're supposed to be political but I don't see you doing anything about it

I am political

and shut the door

How are you political?

I read the paper I watch the news

I'm more political than you

Oh blimey Nicola We can all watch the telly

You should be out there helping the old aged pensioners or going on marches or whatever

Marches are a waste of time it's boring

If you put your money where your mouth is you should be joining one of these socialist

what's it groups

Or the nuclear disarmament whatever but you don't

All you do is sit here in this room staring at the walls and tweeking and twitching

and you're so perfect?

No

I'm not perfect but I haven't given up

I'm still out there fighting

and I tell you what Nicola

Every time I look out that window and I see that rusty old caravan sitting there

Do you know what it says to me?

It says to me there's a man who hasn't given up either

Who's still out there fighting looking for his dream

Well it says to me there's a man who's getting greedy

Greedy?

You're Dad?

He's the most unselfish man I've ever met

Do you know he's up at six o'clock every morning

Slogging his guts out in a job he hates

Which is more than you do

and he still comes home at the end of the week with sod all

I'm not prepared to be exploited

Exploited?

You're not prepared to work full stop

You've accepted Nat as a plumber and you didn't like that at first

No I didn't I didn't like it

But I can see now I was wrong because she's happy

I don't know what I want to do yet

Oh don't you?

Well you had your chance Nicola

When you were seventeen when you were at the college doing your three A levels

You were going great and then suddenly you stopped

You stopped eating, you stopped everything you ended up eight weeks in the hospital

Well you put me there I didn't want to go

Oh for Gods sake Nicola you were at deaths door

You were trying to control my life

You were dieing - No I wasn't

Yes you were

I'd know if I was dieing

Doctor Harris told us you had two weeks to live

You didn't know that did you?

Three of us coming home every night crying our eyes out

You were lucky

Life's not easy Nicola

I could of given up right?

Sixteen I was doing me A levels

What A levels?

English and business studies if you must know

Then I got pregnant with twins

Well why didn't you have an abortion?

Because I didn't want one

Because I had two little lives growing inside me

I don't beleive in it that's the easy way out

You're Dad was only seventeen he was at catering college

and he was working in hotels at night trying to get a bit extra

We got a little flat together begged and borrowed a couple of cots

and when the two of you were born we were thrilled to bits

Because we had two lovely little babies

We came through laughing

Well don't blame me I didn't ask to be born

I'm not blaming you Nicola

I just want you to be happy that's all, and you're not

I wouldn't care what blooming job you did

I wouldn't care how scruffy you looked as long as you were happy

But you're not something inside you has died

You've given up

and if one day I could just walk throught that door

and you could look at me and you could say look Mum

Help me please I don't know what I'm doing I don't know where I'm going

Then I'd say great because now we can be honest with each another

Now we can start talking

But I'm not in a mess

Aren't you?

You're giving me a problem when I haven't got one

Why Nicola

If you hate me so much

Why don't you throw me out?

We don't hate you

We love you, right?

You stupid girl

What've you done you silly sod? I think I've broke me ankle

Jesus - Don't touch it lay flat

Breathe breathe

I am breathing for Christs sake - Lay flat, relax

Got to help you I'll be back

Nel, where're you going? Nel Nel

A spoon!

A fucking spoon for Christs sake

Who dropped this spoon?

Who dropped this spoon?

Hello

Yeah speaking yeah

Oh hello how're you?

Oh blimey you're joking me? he hasn't?

Aw how did he do it?

Oh no sorry Brian I'm sorry I know you shouldn't laugh, but

Aw is he alright though?

Yeah, no it's alright no I can come over, yeah straight away

Alright thanks for phoning me

Aw yeah and you alright then

Yeah ta ta bye

Nicola

Oh Christ

Hello Nat Look at the state of him

Here you are take the bag

Take these Wend

Go on

How're you going to do it? - I don't know

Oh blimey

Hang on hang on - Take it steady

Don't let that door slam - Don't worry I've got it

Do you want a hand? - No no I'll do it myself

Ok? - Yeah yeah

Right

There you go - Give us those

That's it that's it

Right come on take it easy

I've got you - Alright

It's alright

Open the gate Nat - Yeah hold on

Go on

Now don't rush Andy, right?

It's alright - Just take it steady

Andy what're you doing?

Blimey you're not a greyhound in a race

Well take it Wend

I'm trying Andy - Well get rid of it

Alright?

Yeah

He needs a little thingy doesn't he

Hold on I'll get this table

Oh that's it Nat

Here we are

Right

That's the job - Careful careful careful

Looks like the Royal leg

Aw look at his little face aw poor Andy

He's been through alot y'know

Hey listen how're you going to get your trousers off?

Cut them

Well I tell you what I'll get me little scissors right?

and I'll come up the inside leg

Don't make me laugh Wendy

How long you got to have this on for then?

I don't know, six or eight weeks something like that

Cushy number

Yeah I wouldn't mind six weeks holiday

Well it's a damn nuisance as a matter of fact

I was going to get started on the caravan when I got back from work this evening, it's a pisser

Oh blimey what about Aubrey?

Oh yeah

What about Aubrey?

Oh lets leave it

Let him stew in his own juice I've got enough on me plate

Ain't you going in tonight then?

No - Why?

Because - Where's Nicola?

Upstairs

Does she know I had an accident?

Well she told me

Nicola

Here I'll run these things up Andy

Oh hang on, give us that give us it here

I know what you want

You want your little souvenir don't you?

Yeah that's the bastard that's the culprit

What?

Yeah trying to kid us he slipped on a spoon

He was still blooming drunk from last night

Never

I've never known pain like it Nat

Ain't you?

Searing pain

Did you hear it snap?

No I didn't actually

Oh yeah I did

Yeah I did

Did you?

Yeah

It's like when you break a dry stick across your knee

Know what I mean?

Nicola

What?

Can I come in?

Look at that

An ordinary spoon

I never noticed it before

Here you are

Nineteen seventy five

This spoon was born when you were seven years old

Oh yeah

Just sits in a drawer

Out of the drawer

Into the peas

Stir the custard

Into the wash out of the wash

Up on the hooks with all the other spoons

and all the time just waiting for the fatal day

When it would drastically alter the course of a mans life

It doesn't look dangerous does it?

Nah you take my word for it that is an evil spoon

Here you are look put it in a place of honour

Keep an eye on it

Yeah I don't trust it

Get us some chocolate

Tell you what

Go and give your face a little wash make you feel a bit better eh?

Nah

You don't want your Dad to know you've been sitting here crying do you?

He don't want to see me

He does

I'll make him feel worse

Don't be so daft

I'm a burden to you

Listen

We got to turn over a new leaf yeah?

Both of us

All of us

Come on have a little cup of tea

Nah I don't want one

Come on do it for your Dad

He's been asking for you

Has he?

Yeah

Sitting there with his tongue hanging out

You know what he's like he wants a bit of tea and sympathy

I just want to talk to you

Do you?

Do you want a hand Nat? - Nah it's alright

Here you are Andy give us a little bit of chocolate don't hog it all

It's alright there's plenty for everyone

Ta

Here you are Nic

Want a bit? - Nah

Go on have a bit

Nah it's alright

Have a little bit cheer yourself up

It's alright don't force her

Here you are Nic

Thanks

Did you go to the travel agent?

Yeah

I'm going to New York

Chicago

and New Orleans

Ain't you going Disney?

No I want to go interesting places

Oh blimey fancy going to the States and not going to Disney land

Why don't you go Nic?

Nah

It's too big

Well she can go next year

Get yourself sorted

Save up eh?

How's the leg?

Oh not too bad throbbing a bit

Only one problem

I got to go to the toilet in a minute

Eh

Go and get your Dad a bucket

Hey look at that spoon

Just take the weight just take the weight

That's it that's it

Blimey it's heavy isn't it

Alright? - Yeah

Put the pillow behind me

There you go

That's it

Tell you what Andy

Good job you're not a horse

Why?

They'd of shot you

Here you are then

There you go

It's good you had that chat with Mum isn't it

Get things cleared up

Eh?

Did you tell her?

Tell her what?

Everything

What do you mean?

You know what I mean

No?

I'm not deaf

I never said you was

I've got the room next to yours, remember

I can hear you

What? playing my music?

You know what I'm talking about

At nights

Getting sick and everything

I'm not sick

Oh come on

I'm not

It's hot isn't it

I can't help it

I know

I think we should do something about it

Who's we?

You and me

Have you told them about it

No

Why not?

Well don't know

Suppose I should of

Don't know why I didn't

Yeah I do know why

'cause I think you should

I know what I do is disgusting

I am disgusting

Yeah it is disgusting

Mind you I do some pretty disgusting things myself

Do you? Yeah

What?

Oh I can't tell you

What is it?

I put my hands down toilets

and on a good day I might get bitten by a rat

Do you want any money?

Yeah

Alright

Cheers

Nah it's ok