Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: These parents are Outmatched.

How did I give birth to Wikipedia?

ANNOUNCER: All-new episodes Thursdays.

And watch other Fox shows like Last Man Standing.

-Bingo. -Only on Fox.

Well, another successful Marc and Leila birthday party

-in the books. -Sure,

if success is measured by the number of guests

who have nightmares.

Hey, maybe next year we let Leila choose the theme.

"Mortality" is the only honest birthday theme.

Because every year brings you...

KAY AND MIKE: One step closer to a cold and endless nothing.

Yeah.

Hey. Go outside.

Stop playing skull in the house.

So, between this and Brian's science parties

and Nicole's birthday networking mixers,

we're never throwing a normal party, are we?

Right now I'm just hoping that's a fake skull.

Marc came home yesterday with a lot of mud on his clothes.

I'm always amazed by the statistical unlikelihood

that Marc was born on the exact same day as Leila.

The odds increase when you consider

that nine months ago is Father's Day.

Yeah. That probably counted as Mom's gift.

It's free, and you don't have to leave the house to get it.

Brian, what did we say about talking?

Say it to myself five times, and if it still sounds weird,

don't say it.

Although there is something that never sat quite right

with me about their joint birthday.

Now that you mention it, I feel like the seasons don't line up.

I remember when Marc was born, it was spring

and I had pollen-induced conjunctivitis.

But when Leila was born, it was winter.

And I fell through that frozen lake

that finally cleared my conjunctivitis.

(chuckles)

-Memories are so crazy. -(chuckles)

KAY: Yeah.

You know what else is crazy?

That you guys have written an entire rap musical

about Stephen Hawking, and we haven't heard it.

-No, we're in the middle of... -* How does a paraplegic *

* King of strategic, son of a medical researcher... *

No, they're trying to distract us.

We're onto something.

What are you hiding?

Leila's real birthday is in December.

They were just gonna hack the hospital.

Let's have a normal Saturday.

You've lied about Leila's birthday for eight years?

No. We lied about it once,

and no one's questioned it for eight years.

It started because your grandparents couldn't fly in

for Leila's first birthday, so we just...

combined it with Marc's.

KAY: And then we just kind of kept it that way.

Cut us some slack. We were broken.

Four kids is exhausting and unnatural.

I once confessed this to a priest and he said,

"I totally get it." (chuckles)

Don't you think it's time you told her the truth?

(sighs) He's right.

We can't keep lying to Leila.

Like this goodie bag says,

"The evil that men do lives after them."

Yes, but it also says,

"Don't weep for the dead. Weep for the living."

I'm starting to see why no one took any of these.

*

So I wasn't born on my birthday?

No, uh, you were,

but, um-- but that day was actually four months ago.

Wow.

Yesterday I was eight.

This morning I turned nine.

Now I'm almost ten.

Life's a wild ride.

But the important thing to remember is how bad we feel

when you talk to your therapist about this one day.

It's cool. I'm used to it.

For a while, I thought my full name was

Has Anyone Seen Leila Bennett?

Oh, wait, we're also throwing you a party!

-We're-we're what? -Yeah!

To make up for the eight years

of joint birthdays and skeleton parties

and a couple of left-at-the-malls,

you're getting your very own bash.

And you don't even have to wait for your real birthday.

Hmm? It's a day just for you.

A Leilapalooza!

Wow. I hope someone brings Molly.

Come on, Molly!

Oh, thank God.

Wait, why are we throwing another party?

She was cool with everything.

That's the problem.

She is so used to not feeling special,

she doesn't even know she should be mad about this.

We have to make it up to her.

I guess it would be nice to throw

a normal kids' party for once.

Something we can have fun at, too.

My dad used to love my birthday parties.

Not because I was born

but because we usually went to a Mets game.

Oh, should we do that?

No. This is not about us.

This is about Leila and what she wants.

We are leaving this party totally up to her.

Well, whatever she picks,

it's got to be better than Marc asking us to find a cake that

"screams when you cut it."

(whispers): I think it knows we're talking about it.

You were delicious!

*

(tires screech)

Hey. I'm about to go watch SmackDown.

You guys want to watch wrestling with me?

-Sure. -Really? -No.

See? You're not the only one who can lie.

We've been thinking about your birthday ruse,

and it made us wonder...

What else have you lied to us about?

Okay. I guess you guys are old enough to know.

Uh, tons of things. We lie to you guys all the time.

We say whatever we have to to get by.

"Good morning" is a lie.

Sometimes we just fold the dirty laundry

and put it back in your drawers. (chuckles)

Oh, and, uh-- this is a good one--

remember how we told you that if something were to happen

to me and Mom, you guys would become the wards

of the Harvard board of trustees?

Oh, no. You're leaving us to a state school?

It's more of a party school.

It's Rita and Irwin.

Are you serious?

But they're just different versions of you.

We could kill you right now.

But then we'd be stuck with Rita and Irwin.

We're in a trap of your own design.

Whatever! I don't need you guys anyway!

I've got plenty of people who will watch wrestling with me.

You used to be people, right?

Hey, Leils.

Hi, Dad. Hi, Jen.

So, you excited for your big party?

You know what you want to do for it yet?

No. Nicole said my party should be

a $1,000-a-plate fundraiser for her super PAC.

No, don't... (chuckles)

Don't listen to what Nicole says.

Kiddo, this-this party needs to be about you and what you like.

I don't know what I like.

I could like anything.

I even like Brian, and he's a lot.

Huh.

Well, um, I mean, I don't want to influence you, but...

maybe wrestling is something you would like.

You know, one of the best birthdays I ever had

was a wrestling theme.

But is wrestling your thing?

'Cause you said I need my own thing.

No, but that's okay. You know,

sometimes, sometimes parents like something first

and then their kids like it.

Like Mom.

I liked Mom first,

and now you like her, right?

I love Mom.

Great!

Then we will have a wrestling party

and watch SmackDown

and never tell her about any of this.

Fun!

Daddy, I love cuddling with you when I'm on Molly.

(sighs)

So, in conclusion, when raising a Bennett child,

the most important thing is LOVE.

And, again, LOVE is

legal aid,

organizational support,

vermin-- for research--

and eggs.

We like eggs.

Any questions?

Yes. Irwin.

What the hell do you mean we get you when your parents die?

You two don't know you're our legal guardians in their will?

I didn't know people who have nothing have wills.

Well, in that case, congratulations.

This must be very exciting for you.

It's not.

We already have three kids.

You think I want this full-time?

Wait, we knew we didn't want you.

But you don't want us?

No offense, but you guys

are the most high-maintenance pains in the asses we know.

-Right, babe? -Right.

Brian, you're a walking sneeze.

And, Nicole,

I'm pretty sure you were sent back from the future

to kill John Connor.

And Marc's been over there sharpening a knife

this whole time.

I'm making fajitas later.

Oh. Well, that's not so bad.

-But that's not what the knife is for. -Uh-uh.

-No, babe. -Uh-uh. You go over there.

-Babe. -Uh-uh.

Hey, Nik.

Want to read a bunch of made-up gossip

about the royal family with me?

There's a new royal dog, and, apparently,

she's only the second biggest bitch in the palace.

Is this stack of magazines why we don't have apples?

Fruit goes bad in two days.

This little red number's been ripe for 17 years.

He hasn't even killed his brother yet

to take over the throne.

Such a turnoff.

Hey, Mom. For my wrestling party,

do we have any cans of whoop ass?

For your wrestling party?

How did you come up with that?

Oh, Daddy told me what to say if you ask me.

He said,

"This is important.

"If Mommy asks,

I had nothing to do with it."

"'Cause you know how irrational she can be."

Then he said,

"Don't say the irrational part."

Oops.

Look, you don't have to do wrestling

because your dad likes it.

You can pick whatever you want.

Like what?

That's for you to figure out.

I'll just be here reading my magazines.

About real-life princesses.

Are you for serious?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, there's a whole family of them.

There are crowns and castles

and cousins that look like talking mice.

Here. See for yourself.

Mmm, who's that strawberry?

Hey, Red. I'm Leila.

So, when exactly were you gonna tell me and Rita

that you were leaving us your kids?

Was this supposed to be some deathbed thing

so that we couldn't say no?

I told you.

Remember, we were out and you dared me to drink

a bottle of hot sauce and I said, "Okay,

but if I die, you get my kids."

Damn it. And then we high-fived.

And that's legally binding in the state of New Jersey.

The only family we have in the area is Kay's cousin Sebastian.

The kids don't even know him. He lives alone on a farm.

Yeah, but come on, Mike.

We don't know anything about raising four white kids.

So, what, now we got to start buying Wheat Thins

and figure out what a Harry Styles is?

Look, I don't think you need to worry, Irwin, okay?

We don't plan on dying anytime soon.

Hmm. How's that nacho taste? Good?

'Cause it's the last one you're ever gonna eat.

We got to keep you alive, man.

And slipping on a nacho is another good way to die.

I'm going to the kitchen to get some paper towels.

(Mike groans softly)

Oh. Hey, Leils.

I have a surprise for your party.

Are you ready for this?

Huh?

Oh! (chuckles)

What?! (laughs)

So you've been wearing that under your clothes

the whole time we've been talking?

I got you a matching one, too,

so we can both wear them at the party.

But I'm not doing a wrestling party anymore.

Wait. Wha-What are you talking about?

Then what kind of party is it?

(with British accent): 'Ello, Leila.

Look at this dress I got for your...

Cheerio.

Are you for serious?

(normal voice): Leila decided for her party,

she wants to do a royal wedding theme.

-Oh, did she? -Mm-hmm.

And she came up with that idea all on her own?

Yeah, just like she came up with wrestling... all on her own.

What makes you think I had anything

to do with the wrestling idea?

Yeah, okay, I know how this looks.

I don't think you do, Mike.

And definitely not from the back.

Face it, Mike. Leila wants to be a princess.

She wants the crown and the dress and the pageantry.

You know what? Why don't we let her decide?

Leils, would you like a frilly, uptight tea party,

or a party where you can do this?

(quietly): Flip me over and body slam me.

-I said I need you alive! -Oh, are you scared?

Mike, I can't raise your kids. I don't have enough costumes!

Oh, then say good night!

It's too tight! I'm not playing!

Michael Mania is running wild! Aah!

I'm gonna end up with those kids.

How's your back?

It's fine. You should see the other guy.

Yeah, you scratched Irwin pretty bad

when he carried you to the couch.

Look, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have talked Leila into wrestling.

I just thought that maybe if this party worked out,

we could have a thing together.

I know.

But that is not what this party was supposed to be about.

-This was Leila's day. -I am way ahead of you.

I already canceled the reservation at the wrestling gym

so you guys can have your princess party.

So, you know... hero.

What? No, no, not hero!

I felt bad about forcing my party on her

so I canceled the tea room.

So now we don't have anything?

No! We have to scrape something together by tomorrow morning.

Okay. You know, th-thi-this is just like in wrestling.

You know? The moment you think it's over, the hero rises.

You should go. I'm stuck here now.

So, the dude's name is Sebastian.

He's your mom's cousin, and he lives on a farm.

-And best of all, he's not us. -No.

Farm. Interesting.

Quiet solitude, no distractions.

And we'll be swimming in vermin and eggs!

Question:

is there a corn maze on this farm?

And if so, does it lead to madness?

Sebastian sounds great. We'll take it.

No, no, no, no, we don't have to convince you.

-We got to convince him. -That shouldn't be hard.

We'll just give him the same presentation we gave you.

We'll just cut in some images of us frolicking with livestock.

No, we cut off power to his farm.

He'll be isolated, paranoid.

A man like that is bound to say yes to anything.

No! What is wrong with you?

Just turn off your brains for a second and just be people.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

We're going to invite Sebastian

to Leila's party and win him over.

Yes, and not with presentations or scare tactics.

-You got to charm the guy. -You don't think we're charming?

No, not when you're talking

about swimming in vermin and eggs.

All right, everybody zip it!

We're gonna teach you how to pass for people.

You're up first, Old-Man Sweater.

(quietly): Quick update.

I think I'm falling in love with Rita.

This is the party that Leila wanted?

I thought she was the normal one.

It's the best we could do on short notice.

Though I do admit, that pile of mattresses looked

a lot more like a bouncy house when I was on pain meds.

The party store only had St. Paddy's Day clearance stuff.

The only things we could save from the original parties were

some princess costumes and the wrestler I hired.

Hey. Bloodbath. Nice to meet you.

I think there was a mix-up with the costumes.

No, you got it.

Today you're Princess Bloodbath.

Hey, quick question.

You think my legs look okay in this dress?

You look beautiful.

Oh, God. Babe, the kids--

-they're talking to Cousin Sebastian. -(laughs)

RITA: Okay, it looks, uh, normal.

-Yeah. -Wait. What's Marc's face doing?

-He's gearing up to bite him. -No. Honey,

he's smiling! They're acting human, babe!

(laughs) They're actually doing what we taught them.

Brian hasn't done one awkward medieval bow.

I know. Oh, do that thing we taught you.

-You can do it, baby. -Mm-hmm.

-Yes! -She blinked!

-Yes! Yes! -She blinked. (laughs)

She's gonna use that for the rest of her life, babe.

We taught her that. We taught her that!

I got to give us credit.

We did a pretty good job pulling this off.

You can't even tell this was an erotic cake.

Well, I can, but I can find boobs in anything.

Okay, everybody, it's cake time.

* Ha... *

(holding note)

Has anyone seen Leila?

She hasn't been here the whole time.

We lost Leila at her own party?

This does not feel like a good moment for you.

Hey. Cousin Sebastian, right?

Cousin Sebastian is what my cousins call me.

You can call me Regular Sebastian.

We saw you talking to Brian, Nicole and Marc before.

Yeah. I'm sorry. Why were you watching me talk to children?

Well, it looked to us like you really hit it off.

-Yeah. -They're impressive, right?

If I'm being honest, they're a little weird.

That older boy's hiding something.

And the younger boy's not hiding something, but he should.

On the farm, we'd say

those kids are the horse corn of people.

Excuse me! Well, what in the hell do you know?

About horse corn, quite a bit.

Let me tell you something.

Those kids may be tiny psychos, but they're special.

IRWIN: Yeah, and they'll make you better.

Nicole is teaching me how to speak Dothraki,

and Brian made it so that my car can run on French fry oil.

I'm sorry. Who are you?

I'll tell you who we are.

We may not be some fancy farm cousins,

but we know we're two people who are lucky enough

to have those kids in our lives.

That's right, and if it takes you more than five minutes

to recognize that, then you don't deserve

to have them live on your farm when Mike and Kay are dead!

I'm more confused now than when I got this invite

to what I was told was a hog auction.

Well, then, go on!

Go on back to your farm!

I hope your rooster's broken and you oversleep!

Using a bird as an alarm clock like the damn Flintstones.

Yabba-dabba-dumbass.

Did you mean all that?

Every word.

Will you do us the honor

of making us your guardians when your parents die?

Yes.

-Yes, a thousand times yes! -(laughs)

You smell like sunsets.

(Kay sighs)

Hey, Leils, we've been looking for you.

This is where I come sometimes to get away from everything.

Oh. You don't eat the brownies we leave down here, do you?

Because those are...

...poison. Those are poison.

(sighs)

I guess we blew it today, huh?

(sighs) We're sorry, kiddo.

We got caught up and forgot this was supposed to be about you.

It's okay. I liked the party.

Well, then what's wrong?

Why you hiding down here?

My favorite part about my old birthday was doing it with Marc.

Now it's just me. It's no fun without him.

Mm. Oh, sweetie.

Well, this is your party,

and we said it should be anything you want.

So... what do you want?

Happy... well, I guess nobody's birthday.

And our gift to you-- from now on,

me and your mom promise: no more secrets.

And in the spirit of our new family honesty,

we'd like it known that we're okay if you die.

Yeah, us, too.

Pass me the cake. Ooh.

-Yeah. -I'll get plates.

Well, turned out

to be our most normal birthday ever.

-I know. -Hmm.

It's almost like we're getting the hang of this.

-(door opens) -Just so you know,

the rental guys are here to pick up those mattresses.

Uh, those are our mattresses.

Oh. Then, some dudes are stealing your mattresses.

Come on, Bennetts. We're going to war!

-Let's go, guys. -Go, go, go!

Ooh, fight. I'm right behind you.

-(Irwin laughs, door closes) -I'm not doing that.

You have a very...

imagination.

Thanks, Irwin. It looks better when you see it all together.

Oh, damn.

You're one of them, then.

Mom and Dad aren't the only ones who can keep a secret.

Can you keep a secret, Irwin?

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Jason Biggs and Maggie Lawson are Outmatched.

See all-new episodes Thursdays on Fox.