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1
00:00:03,842 --> 00:00:06,968
Ick, ick, ick, ick, ick, ick, ick!
2
00:00:06,970 --> 00:00:10,280
Okay, something tells me I don't
want to know what's in there.
3
00:00:10,282 --> 00:00:12,151
It's my class tarantula.
4
00:00:14,178 --> 00:00:17,452
Oh, my God, I had this
exact nightmare last week.
5
00:00:17,454 --> 00:00:19,851
Y-You brought a tarantula into
the house and then the spider
6
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:21,656
turned into Donatella
Versace, and she told me
7
00:00:21,658 --> 00:00:24,611
I was a fraud and
then my teeth fell out.
8
00:00:24,613 --> 00:00:26,707
Sorry, I had to bring her home
9
00:00:26,709 --> 00:00:28,715
because the school is getting fumigated.
10
00:00:28,717 --> 00:00:30,642
My fear of spiders is outweighed
11
00:00:30,644 --> 00:00:33,369
by my love of extra credit.
12
00:00:33,371 --> 00:00:36,289
Okay, well, does this
disgusting thing have a name?
13
00:00:36,291 --> 00:00:39,685
Tarantula Lansbury.
14
00:00:41,212 --> 00:00:43,762
My teacher thought it was so clever,
15
00:00:43,764 --> 00:00:46,207
but he's an old guy.
16
00:00:46,209 --> 00:00:48,708
I need to figure out what to feed it.
17
00:00:48,710 --> 00:00:51,310
Do you think Vanessa would
mind if I used her computer?
18
00:00:51,312 --> 00:00:53,406
No. Her password used
to be "Hugh Grant",
19
00:00:53,408 --> 00:00:55,671
but that was, like, ten years
ago, so I would hope by now
20
00:00:55,673 --> 00:00:57,214
- that she's moved on.
- I'm in.
21
00:00:59,457 --> 00:01:00,696
Hey, girls.
22
00:01:00,698 --> 00:01:01,858
- Hi, Dad.
- Hey.
23
00:01:01,860 --> 00:01:03,365
Still can't figure out
the washing machine
24
00:01:03,367 --> 00:01:04,367
at your apartment?
25
00:01:05,921 --> 00:01:08,696
Whoa, whoa, who's this?
26
00:01:08,698 --> 00:01:10,740
Uh, that is Tarantula Lansbury.
27
00:01:10,742 --> 00:01:12,342
That's good.
28
00:01:14,346 --> 00:01:15,953
Uh-oh.
29
00:01:15,955 --> 00:01:17,789
I don't think I was
supposed to see this.
30
00:01:17,791 --> 00:01:19,082
That's probably 'cause you're using
31
00:01:19,084 --> 00:01:22,436
somebody's computer that's not yours.
32
00:01:22,438 --> 00:01:24,628
No, Vanessa wrote a letter withdrawing
33
00:01:24,630 --> 00:01:26,172
from the State Assembly race.
34
00:01:26,174 --> 00:01:27,590
What? She's not a quitter.
35
00:01:27,592 --> 00:01:29,008
I mean, she quit smoking,
36
00:01:29,010 --> 00:01:31,147
but nothing to get angry about.
37
00:01:31,149 --> 00:01:32,630
Yeah, but I don't get it.
38
00:01:32,632 --> 00:01:34,711
Mom is so passionate about education.
39
00:01:34,713 --> 00:01:38,017
I mean, she gave up on me, but still.
40
00:01:38,019 --> 00:01:40,451
Looks like just a draft,
but I'm surprised
41
00:01:40,453 --> 00:01:42,105
she never told me anything about it.
42
00:01:42,107 --> 00:01:45,334
When you do talk to her, don't
tell her I was on her computer.
43
00:01:45,336 --> 00:01:47,376
It's all right, we're on
your computer all the time.
44
00:01:50,946 --> 00:01:53,946
- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
45
00:01:55,594 --> 00:01:57,909
- Hey.
- I'm so mad.
46
00:01:57,911 --> 00:02:01,393
The parking lot at the store
was jammed and then this woman
47
00:02:01,395 --> 00:02:04,252
zipped into a parking spot
that I was clearly waiting for.
48
00:02:04,254 --> 00:02:06,542
Why do you let people
do that to you, honey?
49
00:02:06,544 --> 00:02:08,256
Oh, I got her back. I gave her
50
00:02:08,258 --> 00:02:10,642
the "you know what you did" face.
51
00:02:12,887 --> 00:02:15,772
Oh, stop, that sends
chills up and down my spine,
52
00:02:15,774 --> 00:02:18,057
and I didn't even do anything
wrong that you know of.
53
00:02:19,745 --> 00:02:21,716
Okay, okay.
54
00:02:21,718 --> 00:02:24,132
Since you dragged it out of me...
55
00:02:24,134 --> 00:02:26,240
I-I saw what you were
doing on your computer.
56
00:02:26,242 --> 00:02:27,567
Oh, oh.
57
00:02:27,569 --> 00:02:29,360
How embarrassing, you know what?
58
00:02:29,362 --> 00:02:31,696
I just love videos
59
00:02:31,698 --> 00:02:33,067
of pandas sneezing.
60
00:02:35,148 --> 00:02:37,642
Well, you'd be a psychopath
if you didn't love that.
61
00:02:37,644 --> 00:02:39,452
No, I'm talking about this.
62
00:02:39,454 --> 00:02:41,831
You're thinking about
dropping out of the race?
63
00:02:43,293 --> 00:02:45,208
Mike, look.
64
00:02:45,210 --> 00:02:47,048
It just crossed my mind, okay?
65
00:02:47,050 --> 00:02:49,589
I mean, you got to admit,
things aren't going that great.
66
00:02:49,591 --> 00:02:52,234
So? You're not a quitter, Vanessa.
67
00:02:52,236 --> 00:02:53,666
You're the positive person.
68
00:02:53,668 --> 00:02:55,599
You're the one even
when the Broncos lose,
69
00:02:55,601 --> 00:02:58,106
say, "Look, at least
they had a good time".
70
00:02:58,108 --> 00:03:00,922
Well, look, I knew it was
71
00:03:00,924 --> 00:03:02,462
a long shot that I would win.
72
00:03:02,464 --> 00:03:05,325
I really, I just wanted to get
people talking about education.
73
00:03:05,327 --> 00:03:07,365
But I can't get anyone to listen!
74
00:03:07,367 --> 00:03:09,242
Well, you're not the
most forceful person.
75
00:03:09,244 --> 00:03:11,660
No, I tried. At the candidates' forum,
76
00:03:11,662 --> 00:03:13,467
I-I couldn't get anyone to call on me,
77
00:03:13,469 --> 00:03:15,757
and I must have raised my
hand at least a dozen times.
78
00:03:15,759 --> 00:03:17,617
Nobody's gonna listen to what
you have to say if you wait
79
00:03:17,619 --> 00:03:19,952
for them to call on you.
80
00:03:21,432 --> 00:03:23,164
Vanessa?
81
00:03:23,166 --> 00:03:25,082
Look, I get what you're saying,
82
00:03:25,084 --> 00:03:28,587
but all these other candidates
are not afraid to be loud,
83
00:03:28,589 --> 00:03:30,822
obnoxious and pushy to
get people's attention,
84
00:03:30,824 --> 00:03:33,057
and I-I'm not that person.
85
00:03:33,059 --> 00:03:35,261
It's too bad you can't
get advice from somebody
86
00:03:35,263 --> 00:03:37,553
who is loud, obnoxious and pushy.
87
00:03:37,555 --> 00:03:40,282
If you were married to
somebody like that...
88
00:03:40,284 --> 00:03:42,266
Hmm. How about you?
89
00:03:42,268 --> 00:03:44,619
Oh... perfect!
90
00:03:49,253 --> 00:03:52,111
Hey, guys, we got a new
ultrasound of the baby.
91
00:03:52,113 --> 00:03:53,144
- You want to see?
- Ooh.
92
00:03:53,146 --> 00:03:54,788
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh!
93
00:03:54,790 --> 00:03:58,045
- She looks just like Kristin.
- Aw...
94
00:03:58,047 --> 00:04:00,380
Yeah, like, if Kristin was tiny
95
00:04:00,382 --> 00:04:02,682
and trapped in some weird
balloon and her arm was coming
96
00:04:02,684 --> 00:04:04,731
out of her stomach and
there was all this goop...
97
00:04:04,733 --> 00:04:06,499
We get it, thank you.
98
00:04:06,501 --> 00:04:07,926
I-I got to get back to the Grill.
99
00:04:07,928 --> 00:04:09,769
Yeah, our coupons expire
tomorrow, so the place
100
00:04:09,771 --> 00:04:13,506
is crawling with old...
er, wiser people...
101
00:04:13,508 --> 00:04:16,050
- who love soup.
- Mm-hmm.
102
00:04:16,052 --> 00:04:18,177
I live for Wednesdays.
103
00:04:18,179 --> 00:04:21,264
Cream of potato.
104
00:04:21,266 --> 00:04:23,511
Uh, yeah, I got to get
back, too, actually.
105
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:26,269
Marijuana does not sell itself.
106
00:04:26,271 --> 00:04:28,187
Yeah, actually, it kind of does.
107
00:04:28,189 --> 00:04:29,522
- Bye.
- All right,
108
00:04:29,524 --> 00:04:30,616
- see you guys.
- see you.
109
00:04:30,618 --> 00:04:32,066
- Love you.
- Love you.
110
00:04:32,068 --> 00:04:34,765
Hey, have, uh, you guys
gotten them a baby gift yet?
111
00:04:34,767 --> 00:04:36,070
Oh, I haven't, no.
112
00:04:36,072 --> 00:04:39,484
Hey, hey, Ed? Ed... what
about if the three of us
113
00:04:39,486 --> 00:04:41,117
go in together, get something special?
114
00:04:41,119 --> 00:04:42,660
Well, that's a great idea.
115
00:04:42,662 --> 00:04:44,120
I know exactly what to get.
116
00:04:44,122 --> 00:04:46,622
It's very high tech, very millennial.
117
00:04:46,624 --> 00:04:48,975
Great, uh, can we split it three ways?
118
00:04:48,977 --> 00:04:50,960
Well, it's north of two grand.
119
00:04:50,962 --> 00:04:52,345
Oh.
120
00:04:52,347 --> 00:04:54,064
Uh, is it okay if we get them something
121
00:04:54,066 --> 00:04:56,591
south of... 40 bucks?
122
00:04:58,386 --> 00:04:59,719
Yeah, what...
123
00:04:59,721 --> 00:05:01,437
what is this thing?
124
00:05:01,439 --> 00:05:03,208
Well, it's a Rock-a-Tot.
125
00:05:03,210 --> 00:05:06,096
It's a Swedish-made, smart bassinet.
126
00:05:06,098 --> 00:05:07,977
So, you operate it from your phone.
127
00:05:07,979 --> 00:05:11,573
It rocks the baby to sleep,
and even knows when it stirs.
128
00:05:11,575 --> 00:05:14,942
Well, for 2,000 bucks, it
better also wipe her butt.
129
00:05:18,406 --> 00:05:20,048
Wait, does it?
130
00:05:22,008 --> 00:05:25,658
If it did, I'd have one.
131
00:05:25,660 --> 00:05:29,351
No, no, look, I don't expect
you to split it equally with me,
132
00:05:29,353 --> 00:05:32,564
so why don't we each pay an
amount based on our salaries?
133
00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:35,671
All right, and of course, that
means I'll pay the most, so...
134
00:05:35,673 --> 00:05:37,902
All right, well, I guess that
means I pay the second most.
135
00:05:37,904 --> 00:05:39,802
Well, you don't know that.
136
00:05:39,804 --> 00:05:42,428
Maybe, uh, I pay the second most.
137
00:05:44,349 --> 00:05:46,265
I make a pretty penny.
138
00:05:47,602 --> 00:05:50,311
I get paid in dollars.
139
00:05:50,313 --> 00:05:52,572
- Okay, but...
- Okay, just stop, stop, stop...
140
00:05:52,574 --> 00:05:55,290
Let's not get into who makes
more money, gentlemen.
141
00:05:55,292 --> 00:05:56,749
I'll calculate what you owe,
142
00:05:56,751 --> 00:05:58,250
and then you pay the rest, all right?
143
00:05:58,252 --> 00:06:00,663
So, I'll-I'll tell
you separately, right?
144
00:06:00,665 --> 00:06:03,291
- How-how's that sound?
- Yeah, okay.
145
00:06:03,293 --> 00:06:04,676
Yeah, sounds good to me.
146
00:06:04,678 --> 00:06:06,118
I don't want my employees worried
147
00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:07,578
about who makes more money around here.
148
00:06:07,580 --> 00:06:09,872
Life is too short, all right?
149
00:06:09,874 --> 00:06:13,018
And you can't take it with you. Yeah.
150
00:06:13,020 --> 00:06:16,187
Although, I've got an
Egyptian guy working on that.
151
00:06:20,802 --> 00:06:22,635
This is so exciting.
152
00:06:22,637 --> 00:06:24,422
What a great idea to have Vanessa
153
00:06:24,424 --> 00:06:26,011
livestream from the house.
154
00:06:26,013 --> 00:06:27,911
Well, that's today's politics.
155
00:06:27,913 --> 00:06:30,206
People want to think that
they know who you are.
156
00:06:30,208 --> 00:06:33,229
It's like inviting people
into your own home.
157
00:06:33,231 --> 00:06:35,481
So, let's get rid of everything
158
00:06:35,483 --> 00:06:37,709
in the background that looks
like it's worth stealing.
159
00:06:41,381 --> 00:06:44,156
Okay, I have done my part, and
160
00:06:44,158 --> 00:06:46,705
if elections were decided by
who has the best fashion sense...
161
00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:48,355
and I believe they should be...
162
00:06:48,357 --> 00:06:50,913
- Mom would win by a landslide.
- Oh, honey.
163
00:06:50,915 --> 00:06:53,165
If I were 18, I would vote for you...
164
00:06:53,167 --> 00:06:55,185
and buy a cigar.
165
00:06:57,422 --> 00:06:59,617
Honey, I think you look great, you do.
166
00:06:59,619 --> 00:07:01,142
Oh, Dad, we should do your outfit now.
167
00:07:01,144 --> 00:07:02,581
- I'm not on camera.
- Yeah, I know.
168
00:07:02,583 --> 00:07:04,392
It's just been bugging
me for a long time.
169
00:07:06,472 --> 00:07:08,456
You know, honey, I have to admit,
170
00:07:08,458 --> 00:07:11,126
I was a little dubious when
you first brought this up,
171
00:07:11,128 --> 00:07:12,840
- but I'm-I'm kind of excited.
- Uh-huh.
172
00:07:12,842 --> 00:07:14,940
We're gonna show the Colorado voters
173
00:07:14,942 --> 00:07:16,325
- the real Vanessa Baxter.
- Okay.
174
00:07:16,327 --> 00:07:18,017
And none of the expensive lamps!
175
00:07:18,019 --> 00:07:19,734
Um...
176
00:07:19,736 --> 00:07:22,486
And, you-you really don't think
I should talk about the issues?
177
00:07:22,488 --> 00:07:23,571
No, no, no.
178
00:07:23,573 --> 00:07:25,406
Like Nixon did in 1960?
179
00:07:25,408 --> 00:07:27,386
Lost to Kennedy, 'cause he
was charming and handsome.
180
00:07:27,388 --> 00:07:29,285
- Any more questions?
- Yeah, I have one.
181
00:07:29,287 --> 00:07:31,662
Who is Nixon?
182
00:07:31,664 --> 00:07:35,392
I find it hard to
believe you're from here.
183
00:07:36,687 --> 00:07:40,069
- Okay.
- Listen, grab the lavalier mic,
184
00:07:40,071 --> 00:07:41,080
- and put it on her.
- Yeah.
185
00:07:41,082 --> 00:07:42,173
- I'll be right back.
- Good.
186
00:07:42,175 --> 00:07:43,674
- Okay, now, Mom?
- Yeah.
187
00:07:43,676 --> 00:07:45,436
Just remember not to do
anything embarrassing.
188
00:07:45,438 --> 00:07:46,630
You don't want to become a meme.
189
00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:47,987
Oh, memes are so cute.
190
00:07:47,989 --> 00:07:49,406
That housewife,
191
00:07:49,408 --> 00:07:51,542
she was so angry at that cat.
192
00:07:52,902 --> 00:07:55,895
Yeah, memes are cute
unless you're in them.
193
00:07:55,897 --> 00:07:58,355
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, I didn't think about that, but...
194
00:07:58,357 --> 00:08:00,650
Like-like, that, um, that actress
195
00:08:00,652 --> 00:08:01,931
who yawned during an interview.
196
00:08:01,933 --> 00:08:04,111
People made memes like she
was screaming at babies.
197
00:08:04,113 --> 00:08:06,322
You mean she wasn't?
198
00:08:06,324 --> 00:08:09,450
I... I hated that lady.
199
00:08:09,452 --> 00:08:10,618
I know, right?
200
00:08:10,620 --> 00:08:13,329
Everybody did!
201
00:08:13,331 --> 00:08:16,055
Or that CEO who blinked.
202
00:08:16,057 --> 00:08:18,247
And the meme made it
look like he was sleeping.
203
00:08:18,249 --> 00:08:20,063
Right!
204
00:08:20,065 --> 00:08:22,578
They photoshopped him in
pajamas in a sleeping cap.
205
00:08:22,580 --> 00:08:24,507
His wife left him!
206
00:08:26,102 --> 00:08:28,509
Okay.
207
00:08:28,511 --> 00:08:30,617
Looks good, let's get this
show on the road, people.
208
00:08:30,619 --> 00:08:33,300
What?! What?! And-and be
mocked by the entire world?!
209
00:08:33,302 --> 00:08:34,643
No! No, not a chance in hell!
210
00:08:34,645 --> 00:08:35,776
No, no, not doing it!
211
00:08:35,778 --> 00:08:38,437
Nope, no!
212
00:08:38,439 --> 00:08:41,249
What was I gone... 30 seconds?
213
00:08:48,241 --> 00:08:50,467
Come on, come on, you're gonna be fine.
214
00:08:50,469 --> 00:08:52,618
Just breathe and relax.
The important thing is just,
215
00:08:52,620 --> 00:08:54,683
- just be yourself.
- No, I can't be comfortable.
216
00:08:54,685 --> 00:08:56,025
Look, the girls are right, I just,
217
00:08:56,027 --> 00:08:57,283
I don't want to be a laughingstock.
218
00:08:57,285 --> 00:08:58,632
No, Mom, look, don't worry.
219
00:08:58,634 --> 00:08:59,703
- You're gonna be great.
- Yeah.
220
00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:01,514
Just don't, you know, blink.
221
00:09:03,857 --> 00:09:05,780
The woman has to blink!
222
00:09:05,782 --> 00:09:07,388
Oh, no!
223
00:09:07,390 --> 00:09:09,050
Vanessa, do not do that.
224
00:09:09,052 --> 00:09:11,696
You're asking to get Home Alone-ed.
225
00:09:11,698 --> 00:09:14,024
Home Alone-ed?
226
00:09:14,026 --> 00:09:16,551
Don't listen to these
foolish, foolish girls.
227
00:09:16,553 --> 00:09:18,735
You're not gonna look stupid
because you're not stupid.
228
00:09:18,737 --> 00:09:20,578
- You're a champ, you are a champ.
- Okay, all right, yeah.
229
00:09:20,580 --> 00:09:21,772
- Okay?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
230
00:09:21,774 --> 00:09:23,274
You're right, okay. I-I got this.
231
00:09:23,276 --> 00:09:24,649
Whoa! Definitely don't do that!
232
00:09:24,651 --> 00:09:26,192
The thumbs-up is, like, a sex thing now.
233
00:09:26,194 --> 00:09:28,404
What?! Ew!
234
00:09:28,406 --> 00:09:31,157
Get out, go. Go, get out.
235
00:09:31,159 --> 00:09:32,648
All right.
236
00:09:32,650 --> 00:09:34,034
- Just put them out of your mind.
- Okay.
237
00:09:34,036 --> 00:09:35,327
The girls were never here.
238
00:09:35,329 --> 00:09:36,537
- Mm-hmm, okay.
- Good, good?
239
00:09:36,539 --> 00:09:38,212
- Yeah, yeah.
- All right, I got to do
240
00:09:38,214 --> 00:09:39,829
a quick sound check here on your mic,
241
00:09:39,831 --> 00:09:41,298
so I want you to just go over that
242
00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:42,794
intro we came up with, all right?
243
00:09:42,796 --> 00:09:45,130
Ready... and go.
244
00:09:51,512 --> 00:09:53,220
Hi.
245
00:09:53,222 --> 00:09:55,949
I am Vanessa Baxter,
246
00:09:55,951 --> 00:09:59,018
and I am running for
Colorado State Assembly.
247
00:09:59,020 --> 00:10:01,162
Welcome to my home.
248
00:10:03,625 --> 00:10:04,907
Okay.
249
00:10:04,909 --> 00:10:06,919
We got the sound check and...
250
00:10:06,921 --> 00:10:08,953
next we're gonna go live,
251
00:10:08,955 --> 00:10:12,590
and you're gonna want to act like
you actually are alive.
252
00:10:16,031 --> 00:10:17,780
Hey, man, you want a cup of coffee?
253
00:10:17,782 --> 00:10:19,406
Oh, yeah, thanks, Mr. Larabee.
254
00:10:19,408 --> 00:10:20,428
How do you take it?
255
00:10:20,430 --> 00:10:21,782
Oh, three caramels, whipped cream,
256
00:10:21,784 --> 00:10:23,718
and a cinnamon stick.
257
00:10:25,430 --> 00:10:27,138
Why don't I just let you get it?
258
00:10:27,140 --> 00:10:29,048
Oh...
259
00:10:29,050 --> 00:10:30,470
Gentlemen, a moment, please.
260
00:10:32,637 --> 00:10:35,585
- I did a little figuring based on what you make...
- Mm-hmm?
261
00:10:35,587 --> 00:10:38,177
... and here's what you
each owe for the baby gift.
262
00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:40,726
- Oh, okay.
- Great. Thanks, Mr. Alzate.
263
00:10:40,728 --> 00:10:42,228
Yeah, this was really a good idea.
264
00:10:42,230 --> 00:10:44,530
Now that I know what you both earn,
265
00:10:44,532 --> 00:10:47,950
you spend way too much time
standing around doing nothing.
266
00:10:57,506 --> 00:10:59,437
Did you just try and
look at my piece of paper?
267
00:10:59,439 --> 00:11:01,330
No, but you just tried to look at mine.
268
00:11:01,332 --> 00:11:03,140
I don't care what's on your paper.
269
00:11:03,142 --> 00:11:04,291
That is your business.
270
00:11:04,293 --> 00:11:07,419
Hmm, unless my business
is more than your business.
271
00:11:07,421 --> 00:11:10,297
Which it probably isn't.
272
00:11:10,299 --> 00:11:13,342
Okay. We both want to
know what each other has,
273
00:11:13,344 --> 00:11:15,344
so, count of three we show
each other the paper, deal?
274
00:11:15,346 --> 00:11:16,821
- Deal.
- Okay.
275
00:11:16,823 --> 00:11:20,224
One. Two.
276
00:11:20,226 --> 00:11:21,868
Three.
277
00:11:24,227 --> 00:11:26,324
I knew you weren't gonna do it.
278
00:11:26,326 --> 00:11:29,167
You didn't, either. Okay, go again.
279
00:11:29,169 --> 00:11:31,752
Okay. But for realsies.
280
00:11:33,614 --> 00:11:37,050
Okay. One. Two.
281
00:11:37,052 --> 00:11:38,450
Three.
282
00:11:38,452 --> 00:11:39,802
Oh...
283
00:11:42,548 --> 00:11:44,766
Seriously?
284
00:11:44,768 --> 00:11:47,218
All right, never mind. I'm out of here.
285
00:11:47,220 --> 00:11:49,136
Yeah, go get your stupid coffee!
286
00:11:49,138 --> 00:11:51,413
You know, actually, I think
I'll buy one in the Grill.
287
00:11:51,415 --> 00:11:53,299
- I can afford it.
- Hmm.
288
00:11:53,301 --> 00:11:56,694
So can I. I can afford two if I want!
289
00:12:00,571 --> 00:12:02,719
So, I hope that answers your question,
290
00:12:02,721 --> 00:12:04,488
Linda from Capitol Hill.
291
00:12:10,651 --> 00:12:14,445
We need to solve Colorado's
problems from top...
292
00:12:14,447 --> 00:12:15,880
Ooh!
293
00:12:21,796 --> 00:12:24,380
From top to bottom.
294
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:28,542
If you want to hear more
of her stands on the issues,
295
00:12:28,544 --> 00:12:30,728
you can visit her website,
but today, we're gonna get
296
00:12:30,730 --> 00:12:32,267
a little more personal right now.
297
00:12:32,269 --> 00:12:34,200
Why don't you tell us about the time
298
00:12:34,202 --> 00:12:37,718
you and your daughters
ran out of gas up on I-70?
299
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:40,113
Oh, that is quite a story, Mike.
300
00:12:43,142 --> 00:12:45,285
We ran out of gas...
301
00:12:48,665 --> 00:12:52,316
... and then we got more.
302
00:12:52,318 --> 00:12:55,712
Looks like we just lost
Linda from Capitol Hill.
303
00:12:57,365 --> 00:12:59,782
What we're gonna do now
is take a quick break,
304
00:12:59,784 --> 00:13:01,188
little five-minute break,
305
00:13:01,190 --> 00:13:03,327
give the voters of Colorado a chance
306
00:13:03,329 --> 00:13:05,746
to catch their breath. See you in five.
307
00:13:05,748 --> 00:13:07,998
Oh, we can do that?
308
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,000
Um, honey.
309
00:13:10,002 --> 00:13:11,932
We're not on right now. You can relax.
310
00:13:11,934 --> 00:13:13,679
No, I don't, I don't want to relax.
311
00:13:13,681 --> 00:13:15,732
I-I need to keep my energy up.
312
00:13:17,009 --> 00:13:20,851
You know, an oil
painting has more energy
313
00:13:20,853 --> 00:13:22,137
than you have right now.
314
00:13:22,139 --> 00:13:24,431
I'm sorry, Michael. Just blame Mandy.
315
00:13:24,433 --> 00:13:25,907
Look, I-I don't want to be a joke.
316
00:13:25,909 --> 00:13:27,693
I'm going to the bathroom. I... Great.
317
00:13:27,695 --> 00:13:30,496
Oh, boy.
318
00:13:32,817 --> 00:13:35,275
It's going great, Mr. Baxter.
319
00:13:35,277 --> 00:13:36,881
What part of this is going great to you?
320
00:13:36,883 --> 00:13:39,488
The part where she
actually moved her face?
321
00:13:39,490 --> 00:13:42,133
On the bright side,
I don't think anybody
322
00:13:42,135 --> 00:13:44,552
is going to remember this.
323
00:13:44,554 --> 00:13:46,512
Hmm.
324
00:13:46,514 --> 00:13:50,391
You know, I think I have a way
for people to remember this.
325
00:13:57,284 --> 00:13:59,399
Ooh, what's that?
326
00:13:59,401 --> 00:14:00,777
It's just a little
special effect for later.
327
00:14:00,779 --> 00:14:03,904
- Special effect?
- Don't touch that! You're back in five. Okay.
328
00:14:03,906 --> 00:14:06,942
Ready? Four, three, two,
329
00:14:06,944 --> 00:14:09,226
one. All right.
330
00:14:09,228 --> 00:14:11,145
Our hour's almost up,
so let's pick up the pace
331
00:14:11,147 --> 00:14:12,423
- a little bit.
- What does that mean?
332
00:14:12,425 --> 00:14:13,605
Word association.
333
00:14:13,607 --> 00:14:15,500
Family.
334
00:14:16,569 --> 00:14:19,236
Uh, good.
335
00:14:19,238 --> 00:14:20,671
Commitment.
336
00:14:24,076 --> 00:14:26,076
Also good.
337
00:14:26,078 --> 00:14:28,427
- All right, third word.
- All right, stop.
338
00:14:28,429 --> 00:14:29,888
Stop. What are you doing with this mug?
339
00:14:29,890 --> 00:14:31,457
- Oh, spider!
- There.
340
00:14:31,459 --> 00:14:32,541
Girls!
341
00:14:32,543 --> 00:14:34,502
Get in here and get this thing!
342
00:14:34,504 --> 00:14:36,038
Oh, make Jen do it.
343
00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:37,855
You're wearing oven mitts.
344
00:14:37,857 --> 00:14:40,674
Stop it. Just relax. Look,
he's perfectly harmless.
345
00:14:40,676 --> 00:14:42,926
I think he's peeing on me!
346
00:14:42,928 --> 00:14:45,220
Why the hell would you do that?
347
00:14:45,222 --> 00:14:47,412
What? You're not afraid of spiders.
348
00:14:47,414 --> 00:14:50,618
No. No, you know, I'll tell
you what I am scared of. Them.
349
00:14:50,620 --> 00:14:53,134
Them, the trolls
who-who don't really care
350
00:14:53,136 --> 00:14:55,046
about what our kids are
going through at school.
351
00:14:55,048 --> 00:14:56,410
You know, all they care about
352
00:14:56,412 --> 00:14:58,441
are goofy pictures on the Internet.
353
00:14:58,443 --> 00:14:59,691
So, you know what? You go ahead.
354
00:14:59,693 --> 00:15:00,928
You go ahead, and you make a meme
355
00:15:00,930 --> 00:15:02,356
of me holding a spider.
356
00:15:02,358 --> 00:15:04,306
And while you're at it,
uh, here's me blinking.
357
00:15:04,308 --> 00:15:06,617
And-and here's me yawning.
358
00:15:06,619 --> 00:15:09,637
And then there, whatever this means.
359
00:15:10,789 --> 00:15:12,089
I'm Vanessa Baxter,
360
00:15:12,091 --> 00:15:13,891
and I'm wishing you a good night.
361
00:15:18,923 --> 00:15:20,297
If you'd like to learn more
362
00:15:20,299 --> 00:15:22,132
about this candidate's positions,
363
00:15:22,134 --> 00:15:26,321
just go to VanessaBaxterForAssembly.com.
364
00:15:26,323 --> 00:15:28,114
Baxters out.
365
00:15:31,477 --> 00:15:33,411
Come in.
366
00:15:33,413 --> 00:15:36,178
- Watch it, guys. Come on. Easy does it.
- Hey.
367
00:15:36,180 --> 00:15:37,745
- Hey.
- Whoa, what's this?
368
00:15:37,747 --> 00:15:39,366
Uh, well, the three of
us got you and Kristin
369
00:15:39,368 --> 00:15:40,978
a little something for the baby.
370
00:15:40,980 --> 00:15:42,865
Guys, thank you so much.
371
00:15:42,867 --> 00:15:44,826
That is totally unnecessary.
I mean, not that we don't...
372
00:15:44,828 --> 00:15:46,483
O-Okay, okay, y-yeah,
yeah. Just, uh, tell me
373
00:15:46,485 --> 00:15:48,292
where to put it so I don't get a hernia.
374
00:15:48,294 --> 00:15:49,701
All right, here we go.
375
00:15:49,703 --> 00:15:50,762
- Easy there.
- Whoa.
376
00:15:50,764 --> 00:15:52,588
- I got it.
- Uh, oh, let me go get Kris.
377
00:15:52,590 --> 00:15:54,651
There you go.
378
00:15:54,653 --> 00:15:56,751
Oh, I have a check for you, Mr. Alzate.
379
00:15:56,753 --> 00:15:58,352
- Oh. Yeah, yeah. Me, too.
- Okay.
380
00:15:58,354 --> 00:15:59,479
Yeah.
381
00:15:59,481 --> 00:16:01,797
All right.
382
00:16:01,799 --> 00:16:04,592
What? Are you-you afraid
I'm gonna look at your check?
383
00:16:04,594 --> 00:16:06,984
Uh, yeah. I wasn't
born yesterday, Chuck.
384
00:16:06,986 --> 00:16:09,530
That would make me a baby.
385
00:16:09,532 --> 00:16:12,821
Are you two dummies still
on this? Give me those.
386
00:16:12,823 --> 00:16:15,204
Are you still worried about
who makes more money?
387
00:16:15,206 --> 00:16:16,237
Maybe a little.
388
00:16:16,239 --> 00:16:18,006
I'm not. 'Cause I probably make more.
389
00:16:18,008 --> 00:16:19,147
Probably don't.
390
00:16:19,149 --> 00:16:21,534
Okay, fine. Fine. Fine, fine, fine.
391
00:16:21,536 --> 00:16:23,527
All right, here. Here. Chuck's check.
392
00:16:23,529 --> 00:16:25,153
Here's Kyle's.
393
00:16:25,155 --> 00:16:27,840
All right, go ahead. Go ahead.
394
00:16:29,959 --> 00:16:32,545
What are you waiting for?
Don't you want to know?
395
00:16:32,547 --> 00:16:34,222
- I do.
- I do more.
396
00:16:35,864 --> 00:16:37,845
Wait, they're the same amount.
397
00:16:37,847 --> 00:16:39,399
What, what, so, we make the same money?
398
00:16:39,401 --> 00:16:41,086
I don't know. Do you
really think I know how
399
00:16:41,088 --> 00:16:44,152
to look up how much you make
on the company database?
400
00:16:44,154 --> 00:16:48,427
I can't even close out a game
of solitaire I started in 2008.
401
00:16:48,429 --> 00:16:51,360
Wow.
402
00:16:51,362 --> 00:16:53,779
Yeah, well, now I feel kind of stupid.
403
00:16:53,781 --> 00:16:56,059
Well, you should.
404
00:16:56,061 --> 00:16:58,946
You know, I'm a really wealthy man.
405
00:16:58,948 --> 00:17:01,565
And there's two things
I've learned in life.
406
00:17:01,567 --> 00:17:04,841
One: if you can...
407
00:17:04,843 --> 00:17:06,276
be very wealthy.
408
00:17:07,865 --> 00:17:09,331
And two:
409
00:17:09,333 --> 00:17:13,085
never compare yourself
to someone based on money.
410
00:17:13,087 --> 00:17:16,180
The most important thing in
life is a person's character.
411
00:17:18,083 --> 00:17:20,268
And you both have equal amounts of that.
412
00:17:22,421 --> 00:17:25,714
I'm sorry, Chuck.
413
00:17:25,716 --> 00:17:27,766
Me, too, buddy.
414
00:17:27,768 --> 00:17:29,610
For realsies.
415
00:17:30,788 --> 00:17:33,597
- Hey, guys. Wow, this is nice.
- Oh.
416
00:17:33,599 --> 00:17:35,783
- What?
- Yeah, I thought we could both, um...
417
00:17:37,019 --> 00:17:38,953
... open it together?
418
00:17:40,569 --> 00:17:43,593
- Uh, what? A Rock-a-Tot?
- What?
419
00:17:43,595 --> 00:17:45,896
You guys, this-this gift is amazing.
420
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:47,462
Well, it's for two people we love
421
00:17:47,464 --> 00:17:49,046
and one person we're going to love.
422
00:17:49,048 --> 00:17:50,238
- Oh!
- Guys, th...
423
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,115
- I mean, this is really expensive.
- Yeah.
424
00:17:52,117 --> 00:17:54,545
Money. Who cares about money?
425
00:17:54,547 --> 00:17:56,620
Besides, we-we split it.
426
00:17:56,622 --> 00:17:59,247
Mm-hmm. But not evenly, of course.
427
00:17:59,249 --> 00:18:01,643
I make a lot more
money than these chumps,
428
00:18:01,645 --> 00:18:04,559
so it's mostly from me.
429
00:18:04,561 --> 00:18:07,130
- Uncle Ed. Oh, we love you.
- That's all right.
430
00:18:15,140 --> 00:18:16,482
Just open it slowly.
431
00:18:16,484 --> 00:18:18,015
I don't want to open
it, Jen. You open it.
432
00:18:18,017 --> 00:18:19,101
- You open it.
- You open it.
433
00:18:19,103 --> 00:18:20,219
- You open it.
- I'm not gonna open it.
434
00:18:20,221 --> 00:18:21,697
- You open...
- Is Vanessa back yet?
435
00:18:21,699 --> 00:18:23,346
Not yet.
436
00:18:23,348 --> 00:18:25,212
Boy, she seemed pretty mad.
437
00:18:25,214 --> 00:18:29,328
All she said was,
"I'm going for a walk".
438
00:18:29,330 --> 00:18:31,546
That's what she does when she's upset.
439
00:18:31,548 --> 00:18:33,591
The more upset she is,
the further she walks.
440
00:18:33,593 --> 00:18:37,577
One time, I had to go
pick her up in Wyoming.
441
00:18:37,579 --> 00:18:39,430
That was my fault.
442
00:18:40,633 --> 00:18:43,311
I'm sorry the livestream
was such a disaster.
443
00:18:43,313 --> 00:18:44,755
I don't think it was a disaster,
444
00:18:44,757 --> 00:18:47,212
and not just 'cause it was my idea.
445
00:18:47,214 --> 00:18:49,339
She wanted to get some attention,
446
00:18:49,341 --> 00:18:51,758
she got said attention.
447
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:54,694
Yeah, I don't think Mom's
gonna see it that way.
448
00:18:54,696 --> 00:18:56,822
Oh, hell yes!
449
00:18:56,824 --> 00:18:58,774
Hey, honey. Look, look, look.
450
00:18:58,776 --> 00:19:00,561
Did you see my website?
Look at this. Look at this.
451
00:19:00,563 --> 00:19:03,488
It's blowing up. Thousands of comments.
452
00:19:03,490 --> 00:19:05,373
Donations are pouring
in, and look at this.
453
00:19:05,375 --> 00:19:07,998
Linda from Capitol Hill
sent in a hundred bucks.
454
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,025
- Ah.
- Right?
455
00:19:09,027 --> 00:19:11,584
I always liked that woman.
456
00:19:11,586 --> 00:19:13,818
So, you're not worried
about becoming a meme.
457
00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:16,522
Oh, no, I-I already am. No, look, look.
458
00:19:16,524 --> 00:19:18,588
Here's a picture of me with the spider,
459
00:19:18,590 --> 00:19:21,399
and it says, "This is
what badass looks like".
460
00:19:21,401 --> 00:19:23,382
Right? And then over here, look.
461
00:19:23,384 --> 00:19:25,194
Here, this one says, uh,
462
00:19:25,196 --> 00:19:28,128
"What has ten legs and my vote?"
463
00:19:28,130 --> 00:19:30,213
Here's one that says,
464
00:19:30,215 --> 00:19:33,109
"She puts the 'rack' in arachnid".
465
00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:36,278
Gross.
466
00:19:38,557 --> 00:19:40,232
Hey, that's me!
467
00:19:40,234 --> 00:19:42,058
Wait.
468
00:19:42,060 --> 00:19:45,329
They made me into the
Crazy Oven Mitt Lady?
469
00:19:46,738 --> 00:19:48,334
You know, honey, you got to be careful
470
00:19:48,336 --> 00:19:50,609
with what you put on the Internet.
471
00:19:50,611 --> 00:19:53,007
You just have to work with someone
472
00:19:53,009 --> 00:19:54,740
who knows what they're doing.
473
00:19:54,742 --> 00:19:56,448
Thank you.
474
00:19:56,450 --> 00:19:58,551
Aw, kiss of the Spider Woman.
475
00:19:59,712 --> 00:20:01,620
I hope not. You know,
476
00:20:01,622 --> 00:20:05,516
female spiders kill
the male after mating.
477
00:20:05,518 --> 00:20:09,520
Yeah, but, you know,
that's-that's, like, afterwards.
478
00:20:17,799 --> 00:20:19,396
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man
479
00:20:19,398 --> 00:20:21,904
talking about arachnids. Spiders.
480
00:20:21,906 --> 00:20:23,495
I've traveled throughout the world
481
00:20:23,497 --> 00:20:26,910
and seen hundreds of the
estimated 35,000 species.
482
00:20:26,912 --> 00:20:30,900
They can be big, little,
poisonous, jump high,
483
00:20:30,902 --> 00:20:33,923
but one thing all
spiders are is authentic.
484
00:20:33,925 --> 00:20:36,389
You push 'em, they push back.
485
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:40,784
If you push up against a
Brazilian, uh, wandering spider?
486
00:20:40,786 --> 00:20:44,112
You might want to wander into
an emergency room.
487
00:20:44,114 --> 00:20:47,313
Spiders have very poor
eyesight, you know?
488
00:20:47,315 --> 00:20:49,278
Unlike the Feds, who have a lot of eyes
489
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:50,542
and can see your hard-earned money
490
00:20:50,544 --> 00:20:52,115
no matter where you put it.
491
00:20:52,117 --> 00:20:55,550
You got to love the
female spiders. Yeah.
492
00:20:55,552 --> 00:20:58,445
They often begin eating the
male during sex.
493
00:20:58,447 --> 00:21:00,512
You know, he knew what
he was getting into,
494
00:21:00,514 --> 00:21:02,239
but he died doing what he loved.
495
00:21:03,852 --> 00:21:06,450
Look, big females eat their puny mates
496
00:21:06,452 --> 00:21:08,764
(simply because A)
They're hungry. Right?
497
00:21:08,766 --> 00:21:11,086
(B) They can.
498
00:21:11,088 --> 00:21:13,069
Love 'em or hate 'em, you never wonder
499
00:21:13,071 --> 00:21:14,609
if spiders are being straight with you.
500
00:21:14,611 --> 00:21:17,471
Maybe our leaders should
take a lesson from spiders
501
00:21:17,473 --> 00:21:19,495
instead of, I don't know, snakes?
502
00:21:19,497 --> 00:21:22,188
Politicians like to come
up with ways to convince us
503
00:21:22,190 --> 00:21:23,805
that they're being honest with us.
504
00:21:23,807 --> 00:21:25,933
Here's an idea. Why
don't you tell the truth?
505
00:21:25,935 --> 00:21:28,441
Maybe we should be like spiders
506
00:21:28,443 --> 00:21:31,552
and let the women run things, huh? Yeah.
507
00:21:31,554 --> 00:21:34,188
Just be sure to avoid 'em,
you know, when they're hungry.
508
00:21:36,059 --> 00:21:37,409
Baxter out.
509
00:21:40,345 --> 00:21:43,396
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