Original subtitles

(light, catchy instrumental music)

- Oh, hello.

I understand that what a viewer asks for nowadays in a film

is that it improves, instructs, and elevates.

Well, this film wouldn't elevate a cow.

I cannot conscientiously recommend it

for any useful purposes whatsoever.

What I can suggest is that when you get tired

of superheroes, space battles, and high production values,

you might give us a try.

Be a nice change.

(metal rattles)

But,

I am in danger of skipping ahead.

You want to know about her.

You want to know how it all got so complicated.

(intimate acoustic-guitar music)

(door beeps)

(door beeps)

(door beeps)

(women gasping passionately)

(blonde woman grunting)

Okay!

You can take your finger out of there.

(door beeps)

- You'll call, right?

(Poppy sighs)

- Being idle.

Now this is something I consider myself to be an expert on.

My favorite teacher used to say that she never knew a girl

who could do less work in more time.

I even remember my grandma saying

that it was highly improbable that I would ever do anything

I shouldn't do, but she also said

that I would also probably never get around

to doing anything that I should do.

In fact, I have done a great many things

I should not have done.

But I have fully confirmed her judgment so far

as neglecting the things that I should have done.

I take no credit for it.

It's a gift.

I'll explain more about that later.

(bemused instrumental music)

- Okay, and once you've done that, you need to call Hugo,

and then Gabby and Mike, and after that, Simon and Lucy.

Are you listening to me, Dennis?

Good, 'cause I have a whole list of things for you to do.

- Thank you.

- [Voice On Phone] And now, we will continue with our course

on unlocking your hidden potential.

- I can succeed.

If I work hard, I will succeed.

Success is mine for the taking!

- Have you eveer considered getting an alarm clock?

- No.

I hate alarm clocks.

They always go off at the wrong time,

alarm the wrong people.

- Well, it'd be nice

if you would turn up on time occasionally.

- I know, but my bed's just too good.

Every time I meant to get up early,

I just find myself desperate

for just a few more moments of sleep.

- I've noticed.

- No one sane ever gets up willingly.

In fact, I once even knew a girl who would actually get out

and have a cold shower.

(shower running)

(woman gasping)

And even then, that was of no use,

because afterwards she would jump back into bed again

to warm herself.

- Have you considered using a Taser?

(Poppy laughs sarcastically)

(bright, bemused instrumental music)

(office telephone ringing)

So, how are things?

- Eh.

Same as always.

- Find anyone permanenet?

- No.

But I have found a few temporaries.

- Good grief.

You know, this city is not big;

sooner or later, you're gonna run out of fresh meat.

- I'll do my best.

Besides, what if I, you know, meet the woman of my dreams

but I'm already married or something?

(subtle, bemused instrumental music)

- I'm ready and raring to go.

- [Female employer] So, two years' experience.

- Yes, but I'm a quick learner.

- [Male employer] We were looking for three to five years.

- [Female employer] Yes, three to five years.

- So, you're not thinking about settling down at all?

- No, I don't need to, I'm happy.

I don't need a relationship, I just...

I just want the sex.

(Gabby chuckles)

- Sometimes I know what you mean.

(Poppy laughs)

- See, The biggest problem I have at the moment

is that I need to write something, but I have no ideas.

- But you're still good to come babysitting tonight?

- I don't know.

Still got some of that cheescake left?

- [Gabby] Yes.

- Well then, of course.

- You better be.

Mike only takes me out once in a blue moon.

- Yeah, well, see, that's what you get when you trade in

your independence for stability.

- [Gabby] Oh, wow.

(Poppy laughs)

(intimate acoustic-guitar music)

(telephone rings)

- Hi Pops, it's Angela.

Look babe, we need to talk.

You can't give me all this hopes-and-dreams talk

about your writing and never do anything, alright?

Call me, very soon.

You know anyone else that wants to represent Poppy Oaks?

(blonde girl sighs)

(chuckles) I didn't think so.

(Poppy sighs)

(cellphone buzzes)

(empty, bittersweet instrumental music)

- Hello?

- [Female Caller] Hi, it's me.

- Oh.

Hi.

- [Female Caller] I was wondering if I left my blue shirt

at your place when I moved out; you know, my favorite one?

- Mm, no.

I don't think it's here.

- [Female Caller] Oh.

- But the red one with the stripes is.

- [Female Caller] Well, just keep it.

I guess I'll leave you with that shirt

and my old letters, huh?

(woman sighs)

(toilet flushes)

(light, catchy instrumental music)

- I sat down with the full intention

of writing something original and clever, but

can't think of anything that's either.

I'm distracted because I'm broke.

Before, when I was broke,

I would recklessly spend a few dollars,

merely for the sake of having the change to jingle.

You don't feel nearly so broke with metal in your pocket.

I've been an actor, and now I'm a writer,

so I can speak with some authority

on the subject of being broke.

I have lived on nothing a week.

(sighs) I have lived on half that.

You want to find out the value of money,

try living on nothing a week,

and see how much you can put by for clothes,

or a night out.

Everyone should try it just once.

There are some people to whom it would do a world of good.

But it is dangerous to become used to being hard up.

We must always strive for more.

(sighs)

Besides, we're all hard up for something.

There's community in that.

(cellphone buzzes)

(door beeps)

(intimate acoustic-guitar music)

Actually, you know what?

- What?

- I've got some wine.

- Do you have any clean glasses?

- Nope.

- 644 words.

It's not a lot,

but it's a start.

Gabby.

Finally had an idea.

- [Gabby] Is it a good idea?

- Well,

I didn't say that, but

I just said that I had an idea.

Hey, sexy.

(Elaine shushes)

Relax, this is the gayborhood.

Besides, the straight ones like girl-on-girl

more than we do.

- Oh my God, you're terrible.

But I do want to ask you something.

- Shoot.

- Okay, so, you helped me (clears throat)

work out some real frustration yesterday.

- I noticed.

And thank you, by the way; it was

pretty great, actually. (both chuckle)

- But that isn't really me, so I have to ask,

are you in it for the long term or just the fun?

- Why?

- 'Cause I like you, and I just don't wanna waste my time

with something meaningless.

- A person can grow to like meaningless.

- Please be serious.

I am, for better or worse, a serious person.

I take my life, my career, my relationships--

- Seriously.

Yes?

- Yes.

- Elaine, we've only seen each other once.

It takes a lot more than that

to know if you want to fully commit.

- Yeah, I guess so.

But do you wanna meet my friends?

- Sure, yeah, no problem.

Eventually--

- Great, 'cause they asked me to hang out this weekend.

(bright indie-pop music)

- Hi guys! - How are you?

- Good to see you.

How are you? - Hi, come in.

- So guys, this is Poppy.

- How are you? - Hi.

- Come on in, you guys.

(Elaine sighs contentedly)

Look at how adorable they are together.

- Yes.

Disgustingly so.

(Elaine sighs)

- You know, I think they found a whole new way

of loving each other.

- If we all claim to do it as it has never been done before,

I just don't know how people are gonna do it in the future.

- So Poppy, we figured we'd cook you

one of our specials for dinner.

- Which is?

- Roast chicken...

- Polenta...

- Mushrooms...

- And red Italian peppers!

But first, darling, come.

Let's show them our new place.

- Yes!

- So, Elaine, how did you meet Poppy?

- Um, well...

- You've been in love, of course?

If you haven't, you've got it to come.

Love's like the measles.

Everybody has to get it once,

but you needn't be afraid of catching it a second time.

In fact, the woman who has had it

can go into the most dangerous places with perfect safety.

(gentle, nostalgic music)

She can keep her head through the whirl of a close dance,

catching nothing more lasting than a cold.

She can look into sunny eyes and not be dazzled.

No, we never sicken with love twice.

(bright indie-pop music)

- Garlic, please.

- Of course, my love.

Pepper, please.

- Certainly, darling.

So, I think everything will survive in there

while we have a drink.

- Thanks.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- So, Poppy, what are your intentions

with our lovely Elaine?

- My intentions? - Mm-hmm.

- Well, I think, lots of wild, kinky sex,

(Elaine sputters)

and then, you know, just church her out into the street

when I get bored. (Elaine coughs)

- Mm-hmm.

- Thanks.

- So, you're not looking for love?

- Mm, I don't know, maybe.

It's all very complicated, isn't it?

You know, being in love.

- I know.

We used to fight all the time,

but it's better now.

- Our love really sustains us now.

- [Lucy] Well, what else is there?

- And if you don't have someone special in your life,

you might end up like Loretta, nagging everyone to death.

- Oh now, I doubt Loretta will ever catch Poppy in her web.

- You can bet on it.

(pot bubbling)

- Ooh, water's boiled.

Time for stage two.

- They have such a great relationship

- Mm, mm-hmm.

I can see that.

- And it's all based on honesty,

about their past, about the future that they want,

about their goals, everything.

(Elaine sighs)

(Poppy sighs)

- So there's Elaine, covered head-to-foot

in bright green vomit, and that's when my mother shows up.

- Okay.

I think it's that time again,

I need to get up early in the morning for work.

- [Lucy] Hey, Poppy, what do you do for work?

- Oh, I work from home.

I'm still usually late.

- Better get going, then.

Especially if you have all that kinky sex to have first.

I'm just saying!

- What, are you switching to juice?

- Should we tell them the news?

- Go on, then.

- We're going to have a baby.

- Oh my God.

That's so wonderful!

Oh my God!

Come here!

Congratulations! - Thank you!

- In reality, even those who seize love's opportunity

will have to deal with its waning.

We take all things in a minor key as we grow older:

ambition takes a lower aim,

honor becomes more reasonable, and love, love dies.

A young couple cannot call to mind any middle-aged people

that exhibit such frantic attachment,

but that does not interfere with their belief in themselves.

(chuckles) No.

No one ever loved as they love, and so, of course,

the rest of the world can be no guide in their case.

We do not hate, nor grieve, nor joy,

(thunder rumbles)

nor despair in our maturity like we did in our youth.

(thunder booms)

(cellphone plays message tone)

(Poppy sighs)

(Poppy sighs)

Now into the lion's den.

(ominous ambient music)

- Coffee?

- Look, I understand, okay, but it has to be done.

Alright, lovely, goodbye.

Hi, Poppy.

Come on, let's go sit at my desk.

Now, Poppy, we need to talk about productivity.

- Productivity?

- Yes. - Whose?

- Yours.

Definitely yours.

- I see.

- Listen, Poppy, I like you, 'kay?

And I really like your writing,

but you haven't been a big moneymaker for me.

You see where I'm going with this?

- Maybe.

- I can't sell your work if there isn't any.

- Makes sense.

- Basifcally, if you don't have something finished

in three months, I cannot represent you anymore.

- Ah.

- Yeah, "Ah."

Now, I don't want to leave you,

so I'm gonna get you some help.

- Oh, good.

- Patsy here.

She's gonna oversee your work.

- Her?

- Listen, I do not hae time to babysit you,

but Patsy here, she can do it!

- Oh.

Great.

- So, I've prepared a writing schedule for you.

- Really?

I love writing schedules.

- Good, because you owe me a synopsis by next Friday

and 1,000 words by the end of next week.

- This Friday?

- This Friday.

I'm sure it'll be wonderful.

- Fuck.

(heartfelt acoustic-guitar music)

- [Elaine] Hi hon, I was just thinking about you

and I...

And we...

We're heading towards something permanent, aren't we?

I'd just like to know.

Anyways, speak soon.

Bye.

Oh, and I have a job interview tomorrow,

so if you'd like to call and wish me luck,

that would be nice.

Okay.

Bye.

(Poppy sighs)

- Oh.

Shit.

- So, let me get this straight.

You want to write a guide

to faking a long-term relationship?

- Yes.

- (chuckles) That has got to be about the most evil

and twisted thing I have ever heard of.

- I know, right?

- It's gonna make us a fortune.

(Angela and Poppy squeal)

Bravo! - Yes!

(crowd chatters)

- It's one of the chief curiosities of summer,

the way everyone comes out wearing bright colors.

Although it is nice to be able

to see some people a long way off.

(menacing orchestral music)

Sorry.

Ah!

- I was hoping to run into you.

- Oh, really?

- Yes!

I'm still looking for volunteers

for my neighborhood committee.

- Oh.

I'm sure that you are.

- But don't you understand what this means to people?

- I'm sure that I understand what the word volunteer means.

- Oh, pardon me, I have to speak to Dennis.

Hello, Dennis.

- (chuckles) Good public works?

Hardly the domain of the idle person.

(enigmatic instrumental music)

(person knocks on door)

(door creaks)

- Um, hello?

It's Elaine Williams.

I'm here about our appointment at 10 o'clock?

Hello?

It's Elaine.

I'm here about the job interview?

- [Assistant] She's not gonna get it.

She's not gonna get it, you'll have to go for it!

- Behold! (Elaine shrieks)

Behold!

- Behold what?

- Behold The Great Ramon!

Wait right here.

I have to go and change.

- Why do you have the box?

- [Ramon] Just get me out of this.

Get rid of the box, this is stupid!

I told you--

- [Assistant] What are you doing?

- [Ramon] Close the curtains!

Where are my other pants?

- [Assistant] Just...

Here, they're ready.

Take this off.

- [Ramon] Okay.

No, the sparkly ones!

- [Assistant] These are the sparkly ones!

- [Ramon] No, I mean the really sparkly ones!

- [Assistant] You never told me about the sparkly ones!

- [Ramon] Well I, just shut up and help me change.

- [Assistant] Here, here, unbutton.

- [Ramon] It's just like Belgium all over again.

- [Assistant] How'd you get into this?

- [Ramon] I slide in.

- So, I understand you're looking for an event planner?

- [Ramon] Yes.

I have a major show coming up.

(Elaine clears throat)

- Well, that's just my thing; what's it called?

- Delusion. (Elaine screams)

(Ramon screams)

(Ramon cries) Oh my God, I am so sorry.

- Don't worry about it too much.

This isn't the first time it's happened.

(cellphone plays ringtone)

- Hello?

- [Patsy] It's Patsy.

- Oh, hi.

- [Patsy] Angela suggested you need some professional help.

- (chuckles) Oh, really?

- [Patsy] But apparently, she's seeking something

different than me.

She wants you to see a relationship counselor.

You know, to find out how a proper relationship works.

- Have you ever wondered how much trouble

you'd really get into if you punched a 10-year-old?

(knocks on door)

- [Man] Come on, you bastard!

- Um, hello?

- [Man] What?

Who is it?

- Poppy.

Angela recommended you to me.

- Oh.

Hi, Hugo.

- Poppy.

(Hugo grunts)

(Hugo breathes heavily)

- What was it that Angela wanted me to help you with?

- I wanan know how to fake a long-term relationship.

- Right.

(fridge clatters)

(Hugo groans)

(fridge bangs)

Poppy, I'm a relationship counselr.

I don't normally recommend fake relationships;

in fact, I usually recommend you don't ever allow yourself

to get involved in that situation in the first place.

- Yeah.

Sure, of course.

But, what if someone really needed to?

Like, for their career or something?

- Well, it's still a bad idea.

A better idea is to embrace a real relationship.

Even if you don't like the person

or they're particularly awkward,

or especially if it is someone

who can have significant influence on your future.

- Okay. (chuckles)

But what--

- Ah ah ah!

"Real, good; fake, bad.

"Capisce?"

- Okay.

Can you just tell me how relationships are formed?

- So, you want me to create your launch event?

- Yes.

- I can do that.

- Great, you're hired.

- But-- - She's hired.

- I'm tired of re-wrapping that damn box

and we're running out of time.

- You won't regret it.

I will put together the greatest guest list

you have ever seen.

Okay, so, what is this event about?

What is The Delusion?

- Okay.

Now, listen up.

Relationships tend to go through three main stages:

forming, storming, performing.

In the first stage, you find somebody attractive

in some, possibly many, ways.

Now, at this point you need to be nice to that someone

so that they want to be around you too.

- Right, got it.

(clicks tongue) Nice is good.

- Nice is good.

Second stage: storming.

This is where your inevitable differences show up

and you are arguing like cats and dogs, okay?

Now, you're all like, "Wah wah wah,"

and they're, "Meh te deh," and you are fighting

a deep-seated need to strangle them,

cut them into little pieces, and bury them in the garden.

- Right.

- Right.

Right?

And the reason that these arguments cut so deeply,

(chuckles) no pun intended,

is because they challenge your personality,

your self-image, your future plans.

I mean, you thought that this person was attractive,

now you find out that you are fundamentally different,

which is terrible!

It's a disaster!

But it's normal.

- Okay.

Sure, yeah.

So, normal to hate the person that you love.

Got it.

- Absolutely.

And the intensity of the arguments correlates

with the deepness of the relationship,

so deeply-felt relationships will have angrier,

more intense arguments.

- I see.

- Stage three: performing.

Okay, now this is where, hopefully,

you have worked through your differences

and reconciled them, or, if not, at least

brought together the differences in thinking

to a manageable level.

This is the dreaded compromise stage

that every marriage is based on.

- Right.

And what's the importance of the performing?

Long term?

- Well, happiness, hopefully.

- Hm.

But it's not excitement.

- Not so much as in the beginning.

May not be scintillating, but there is love, respect;

I mean, there's warm memories of past challenges

and shared experiences.

- Sounds a little dull, don't you think?

- Dull, but happy.

- Only if it lasts.

And, well,

it never lasts.

- And?

How was your job interview?

- Different.

He's an artist.

Concept artist.

- Mm, what does that mean?

- (chuckles) God only knows.

- Alright, well, when do you find out?

- Oh, no, I got the job.

I'm just wondering what the hell I let myself in for.

How was your day?

- Lots of background research.

I've come up with my tactical plan.

(light, catchy instrumental music)

Fight one,

fight two,

fight three.

Oh, that's not gonna work.

They're all Fridays,

but make-up sex is good for Saturdays.

Now, what to fight about?

Politics?

Money.

Faith.

Self-help books.

It's not much of a list.

I'll have to come up with something better.

Lovers have more power for good or evil than they dream of.

Unconcsiously, you mold yourself

to what she would have you be, good or bad.

After all, what noble deeds were we not ripe for

in the days when we loved?

It was no mere human creature like ourselves that we adored,

it was a queen that we paid homage to,

a goddess that we worshiped!

Aww.

Those foolish days when we were unselfish and pure-minded.

And oh, these wise and clever days when we know

that money is the only prize worth striving for,

when we chase only passing thrills.

These days take us over.

(light, catchy instrumental music)

It's working out rather well.

But, I think it might be time for an argument.

Did you use up the last of my whipped cream?

- Yes, which is why I got you some more.

- Oh.

- Besides, I'm surprised you could even tell,

given the mess.

Hm.

That cheese gonna walk out on its own accord.

Get a job, start a family,

maybe even start a retirement plan.

Oh, and are you planning on washing or ironing

any of these clothes, or are you happy walking around town

looking like a brightly-colored scrotum?

- [Poppy] Scrotum?

- Something wrinkly and unpleasant anyway.

- Oh, oh, and you're perfect, are you?

- Oh, I keep nice and tidy, yes.

I try not to look like I'm homeless.

(Poppy breathes deeply)

Do your worst.

(Elaine gasps)

- [Poppy] Don't you dare!

- Oh, stop me.

- Don't you dare.

(gasps) Oh!

Oh, it is on now, slut!

(thrilling rock music)

(both breathing heavily)

- Hey Poppy honey, I want you to know

we are really on a roll here.

I mean, your new girlfriend's really

bringing something out of you.

Yeah, and who knows, maybe when we're ready to launch,

we can have her do an event?

(Patsy gags)

(affectionate, cherished orchestral music)

- What do you think?

- It's pretty.

I don't know if I'd get up for it regularly, though.

- You were pretty awake this morning.

- Mm, yes, I know.

It was most odd.

- What do you want?

- To go back to bed, I think.

- (chuckles) No.

I mean, what do you want out of life?

- I wanna be happy.

I want my friends to be happy;

if I had one, I'd want my family to be happy.

I haven't got much further than that.

- You forgot about Zeus.

- (chuckles) Give him a ball to chase and a leg to hump,

and he's good.

- So,

do you,

do you think we should move in together?

- Um,

maybe.

- Good.

I'll start searching.

(moody, throbbing instrumental music)

- Damn it!

Hugo, what have you gotten me into?

- [Hugo] Excuse me, but what have I done?

- What have you done?

What have you done?

Oh, oh, I will tell you what you've done.

It is working so well, she wants to move in together!

That's what you've done!

(sighs)

I'm comfortable in my home.

All my old trinkets to meet me whenever I glance up.

All my little knick-knacks spread around me.

(passive, joyless piano music)

Photos of the girls I've loved up on the mantelpiece.

A couple of disreputable pipes scattered about.

(sighs)

Familiar pictures to hide the stains on the walls.

My books, higgledy-piggledy all over the place.

Even the stains themselves are memories.

(person knocking on door)

(Poppy sighs)

- Ready to go apartment hunting?

- Sure.

(delicate, troubled instrumental music)

- What do you think?

(Poppy groans)

- New furniture has no charm, compared with old stuff.

- (sighs) Come on.

- It's the old things that we love.

Old faces, old books, old jokes.

(sighs)

- So, here it is.

- Okay, let's have a look around.

- And not merely old in itself.

Apartment furniture generally is that.

It must be old to us,

old in recollections and association.

- We weren't expecting it to be furnished.

- Oh, don't worry, it won't be, after I evict this jackass.

- So, the rent?

- [Landlord] $1,600, like it says in the ad.

No negotiation.

- Not even a little?

- [Landlord] I used to get $1,750 for this place!

- Oh.

- [Landlord] And $1,900 before that.

- Well, it's a good thing we didn't come apartment-hunting

five years ago.

It woulda cost us a fortune.

("Don't Wanna Do [What I Don't Wanna Do]")

♪ Just say I don't wanna do ♪

♪ Just because you think I should do it ♪

♪ Don't mean I think I should do it too ♪

♪ Now down the road, I might regret it ♪

♪ But I'll probably just forget it ♪

♪ 'Cause I'll do it if I thought it was meant to ♪

♪ And I don't wanna do what I don't wanna do ♪

♪ Uh-Uh ♪

(singer razzes melodically)

- Oh.

Hello, ladies.

- [Elaine] Hi.

- Hi, I'm Loretta.

I'm from the neighborhood committee.

- I'm Elaine, I'm Poppy's partner.

- (chuckles) Partner?

(light, catchy instrumental music)

Oh, yes, of course, she's my girl!

Of course.

- That's lovely.

I was wondering which one of the community projects

you would wanna be involved with?

- Oh, no, I don't think we're gonna have time for that.

- Actually, I think we might.

Poppy, we can make some time, surely.

Loretta, why don't you just come in,

tell us all about it?

- Sure.

If you don't mind the mess.

- You know what, Loretta?

I think Poppy and I might be able to help you out

with almost all of these.

- Whoa, all of them?

- [Loretta] Well that's fantastic!

Here, write down your email

and I'll start sending you stuff.

- Actually, I'm in the process of changing my email

at the moment, so...

- In that case Loretta, you just send it all to me

and I'll make sure Poppy gets it.

- Thank you so much.

Well, I must be off.

- [Elaine] I'll bring you down.

- You going out again?

- Yes.

Unforunately, we spent the entire day

trying to find us a new apartment,

but there was apparently something wrong with all of them.

All that time, all that effort,

all that research, and nothing was right,

so I'm going to go out and do some food shopping.

Bye, darling.

- I may have underestimated my opponent.

Well, two can play at that game.

Dear reader, if you are ever hit by a pang of regret

or even guilt for faking your relationship,

it always helps to keep a list of all the things

that your partner does that annoys you.

One: she criticizes your female friends.

Two: every day requires a 45-minute analysis

of who's annoyed her at work.

Three: you don't need to wear my clothes obsessively

like you're trying to permanently mark me with your smell!

I am not a signpost for you to pee on.

(sighs)

22: every morning, your breath smells

like a raccoon's butthole!

And finally, 23: I am not your emotional crutch

that exists just to confirm everything you want to do!

If you want to do it, just fucking do it!

(sighs)

- Are we good?

- Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

Of course we're good.

It's just...

- It's just what?

- I just would like to do more things

that I want to do sometimes.

- But I'm not stopping you, am I?

- No, not really.

- Not really?

Well, what is it that you wanna do?

- I dunno, like...

(light, catchy instrumental music)

I dunno, like camping.

- Camping?

(Poppy grunts affirmatively)

Like, a tent, with bugs everywhere,

and bears and mud and stuff?

- Okay (laughs), well when you put it like that.

- I'm just so busy with Ramon's--

- Hey.

Excuse me, it is The Great Ramon's.

- The Great Ramon's show.

- Anyway, I thought you were only doing half the show?

- I'm not doing half the show, I'm doing the full show,

he just hasn't entirely told me

what the main part of the show is.

- Well, that sounds like half a show to me.

- I invited all my contacts, the press,

my most glamorous professional clients.

It had better be a good bloody show.

Even a former mayor's coming.

- Okay, well maybe you just need a break.

- Um,

well we could...

- Well, forget it.

If you don't like camping, you don't like camping.

What kind of idiot likes camping anyways?

Hey.

Sorry I'm late.

- Come on, let's go.

Get off.

- [Poppy] What is this place anyways?

- This, Pops, is a publishing house.

- Oh.

- Welcome to Russell and Flo Publishing.

- Although, really, it's just Russell now,

he divorced the cheating slut.

- Ah ah ah ah.

- Nice to meet you at last, Poppy.

- I'm delighted to be here.

- I want you to know that if you commit to us,

we will commit to you.

- Glad to hear it.

- See, that's the way it has to be, Poppy,

because every time we take on a new writer,

we essentially bet the company on them.

- Oh.

- So, I've been thinking about your suggestion.

- Oh, really?

Which one?

- The camping trip.

- Oh, that.

- And I think we should do it.

- Um, this summer?

- Of course.

- Well, are we gonna have time?

- Well, Ramon's event is going great,

it's still a couple of weeks away,

and I mean, you're not really doing anyth...

Uh, you, um...

You,

you're flexible, right?

- No.

No, I'm not that flexible.

No, I have a writing schedule and everything.

- And you better stick with it.

- [Elaine] Oh, hi, Patsy!

- Speak of the devil.

- This is actually perfect timing.

Do you think you can maybe give Poppy

a couple of days off her schedule?

- Sorry, no.

It's very important that the work gets done.

- See, I told you.

I can't get away.

We'll go camping another time.

- Camping?

You like camping?

- I love camping.

- You know what, maybe I've been too harsh.

- I'm sure that's not true.

You're just being professional.

- I mean, I don't wanna stop you guys

from going camping, especially right now

with all the blazing-hot sun we've been having.

So I'll tell you what:

I'll shift your writing schedule by a week.

- Are you sure you can do that?

You know, I mean, without speaking to Angela first?

- Sure.

In fact, I think this is the best idea ever.

- Thank you so much!

- Oh, it's my pleasure.

- Poppy, come on.

Let's go get a tent.

(Poppy chuckles)

Okay, we have everything, right?

- And more.

- I mean, it's not like we're going

into the middle of nowhere.

If we need anything, we'll just buy it.

- Sure.

- Okay.

Let's go.

(optimistic instrumental music)

I think we're here.

- We're gonna be walking mostly from now on, right?

I'll go sign us in.

- Did you find a map?

- I have one map, and a two-for-one token for ziplining

from the camp counselor.

- Took you a while.

Were you chatting?

- Yes.

I felt like finding an especially novel,

out-of-the-way subject to talk to him about,

a subject that no one had ever talked about before,

a subject the discussion of which will come down

upon the world and stun them,

a topic that will attract by its novelty

and invigorate by its surprising freshness.

- Which was?

- We talked about the weather.

- Well, I'm glad you found something so useful to do.

By the way, you're cooking tonight.

- That might not be such a good idea.

Apparently, it's gonna rain.

(Elaine grunts)

Are these seats taken?

- Uh, no, you'll be alright, you should join us.

And how are you two lovely ladies doing this evening?

- Mm-mm, sorry boys, you're out of luck.

We drive on the opposite side of the road.

- Yeah, we know.

We saw you drive in.

(Poppy and men laugh)

(group chatters)

- Excuse me, what kind of wines do you have?

- The usual, red and white.

Actually, we're out of white.

- Oh.

- No, don't worry about it.

Actually, we're gonna be on the beers tonight.

- Alright! - Beers.

(Poppy chuckles)

- Cheers. - All around.

- [Phil] On you, not us.

Our tent is really small.

- Yeah, it's really good.

(Poppy and men talk over each other)

- We're sleeping in that tent together.

(edgy rock music)

(men cheer)

(group chatters)

(Poppy laughing)

- [Elaine] Do you guys sleep naked?

- [Pete] No!

- We are gonna kick your ass.

- [Phil] Go go go go go. (yells)

Sick.

- [Poppy] You gonna make it?

You gonna make it?

- [Phil] It's fine, it's fine, your forehead's fine.

- [Pete] I hit my head all the time.

- [Poppy] You got it, you got it, Elaine!

- [Pete] Whoa, whoa, she's...

- [Poppy] You should do two shots, just to show off.

- [Pete] Do two, do two, do two!

Yes!

- You're nuts! - Yes!

- [Phil] It's fine.

Keep the stick on the ground;

if not, it's illegal.

- [Elaine] You got this.

- [Phil] That looks good, you got it.

Yeah. (Elaine whoops)

(group talking over each other)

- [Pete] (laughs) I wonder what she's going for.

- [Phil] Steady.

Yes! - Don't think about puking.

- Don't think about puking. (Elaine groans)

- [Pete] Alright!

Carry on!

Sweep! Sweep!

(men boo)

(group laughing and talking)

(Poppy laughs)

(men hooting)

(group talking over each other)

- Oh!

(cheers) What?

I win!

Yes!

You guys gonna be alright?

- [Phil] Yeah, I'm just not gonna let him in the tent.

He has a genetic predisposition to diarrhea.

- [Elaine] That's a good idea.

Goodnight! - Bye.

(Poppy groans)

- [Poppy] Just 'scuse me just a moment.

(retches)

(coughs)

Is there any water?

Give us a kiss.

Oh.

(gags) Hang on.

Oh God, I'm not,

I'm not done. (gags and coughs)

(harmonic folk music)

(metal banging) Jesus, fuck!

- [Elaine] Time to get up, we've got some hiking to do.

- [Poppy] (groans) Five more minutes?

- Poppy, I have a lot planned this holiday,

and I do not wanna miss a thing.

- (laughs) Okay!

Okay! (groans)

I'm up.

(inhales through teeth) I'm up.

(harmonic, expressive folk music)

(Poppy panting)

- [Elaine] Come on.

It's not that hard.

- We just passed two dead hobbits.

We are in a place where the feet of the tramping millions

have not trodden its grass to dust,

nor the din of the myriad cities

chased the silence forever away.

So, we walk hand-in-hand with nature under the great sky,

living in sun-kissed tents amid the lowing herds.

The great earth rolls around in stillness,

unladen with trouble and wrong.

And we are free,

for a time.

We're lost as fuck, aren't we?

(Elaine laughs sarcastically)

(Poppy sighs)

(gentle, feel-good pop music)

I need a shower.

I somehow seem to have an irresistible allure over mud.

I swear, sometimes my friends invite me

to outdoor activities, just so that they can stay clean.

(gentle, feel-good pop music)

(women laughing)

- Hi.

- Hey.

- I thought...

I thought I'd grab a shower too.

- You don't have to be jealous.

Look, all I was doing was putting in a good word for Phil.

- Right.

(Poppy scoffs)

- [Hugo] Poppy, feet off the couch.

- It's not working.

- [Hugo] What's not working?

- My fake relationship!

- [Hugo] What exactly are you doing, Poppy?

- Listen, Hugo, I ask the questions around here, okay?

How do I patch things up?

- Have you considered letting them know

who you really are?

- Okay, if you're not gonna say antyhing constructive,

then why am I even here?

- Have you considered telling them about your past?

About your family, about your struggles, your secrets,

have you...

(sighs) How do you like to handle money?

- Temporarily, usually.

- Ha ha.

What about your expectation?

- I don't have any expectations.

- What about the possibility of having children?

- Wha?

Are you out of your damn mind?

Honestly, I'm starting to wonder

what the hell I'm even doing here.

(Hugo groans)

(Hugo sighs) (window thuds softly)

(Hugo grunts)

(person knock aggressively on door)

- I want to know why you were flirting with that girl.

- What girl?

- The girl from the showers at the campsite;

why do I even have to say this?

Are there a bunch more that I don't know about?

- No.

- Okay, and why don't you want us to move in together?

- Are we really gonna do this right now?

- Yes.

We are going to do this right here, right now.

- It's gonna throw off our whole schedule,

I'm gonna have to redo the whole thing.

- Poppy, I really don't care

about your stupid writing schedule.

- Right, this'll probably mess with that too.

Great.

- Poppy, will you just listen to me?

- No, yeah, I'm listening.

I'm listening.

- I just want to know what's going on.

- Come with me.

I'll tell you about my past,

maybe even some of my secrets.

(Elaine chuckles)

(light, catchy instrumental music)

(Poppy clears throat)

- Hi, Pops.

- Hi.

- You're early, why are you early?

- You said you wanted to see me?

- Yes, honey.

Come on in.

- Absolutely impressed.

- You are? - Yes, I am.

- Hon, you did great work over the summer.

A little bit savage, but (sighs) delicious.

- I'm glad you like it.

- Russell's very happy too.

- Cool.

- You'd be amazed at what sells.

- I also have a couple of top-line magazines

looking for contributors.

- So,

it needs an ending, huh?

- [Angela] Yes it does.

- Well,

I guess I'm gonna have to figure out

what that's gonna be, then.

- You know, I still don't get it.

- [Angela] Get what?

- The concept.

I mean, if you're maintaining your relationship

with someone, what's the difference

between that and faking it?

- [Angela] I don't know.

(cellphone buzzes)

Hello?

- So, how did your day go?

- It was good.

Good.

- Productive?

- Yes.

Actually, I think the deal's set.

- That's great!

God, you're so wonderful.

- Mm.

Wow.

Thank you.

(chuckles)

Obviously, I should get published more often.

(longing orchestral music)

(attendees chatter)

- This reception is delightful, Elaine.

- Thank you so much.

I think everyone's enjoying themselves.

- Think the mayor certainly is.

(both chuckle)

- [Ramon] Please, enter.

It's time for Delusion.

- [Poppy] So,

now we find out what it's all about, do we?

- Anytime now.

(someone farts)

- Really, people?

Is that how it's gonna be?

- Nothing's happening.

- Yeah.

I know.

Couldn't help but notice

that a big old bag of nothing is happening.

- Shut up and follow me.

- What's that?

- Night vision.

It's the faces of the people as they come to a realization.

- [Elaine] Where's the show, Ramon?

- That's the realization.

There is no show!

That's why it's called Delusion.

- What?

(Elaine yells)

(Ramon groaning)

I invited everyone I know!

You son of a bitch! (Ramon screams)

(Elaine yells)

- [Ramon] Don't you see how brilliant it is?

(Elaine yelling) (Ramon groans)

- [Ramon] Ow!

She's not nice!

She's not nice, guys!

- Should we do something?

- No.

No no no, it's better to just let her work it all

out of her system first!

(Ramon screams)

(Elaine yelling)

- Stay down! (Ramon cries)

Stay down, you bastard!

- [Ramon] I can't feel my spleen.

- Good!

(Elaine sniffles)

I just can't believe he would do this to me.

- I can't believe what you did to him.

Especially with that wine bottle.

- (scoffs) Please be serious.

- I am.

It is gonna take a whole lot of time,

and a whole lot of patience,

and a whole lot of lube, to get it back out.

(Elaine groans)

You're a very special person, Elaine.

You are

kind, and you're passionate,

and you're intelligent,

and you have exquisite taste in food and wine.

(Elaine chuckles)

- You think so?

- Yes, I do.

And

you mean a great deal to me.

- I mean a great deal to you.

Hm.

Well, thanks, I guess.

- Yup.

No problem.

(Angela sighs)

- You know what, this is good, but

come on, aren't you almost done?

I mean, this sounds like a bit of a tangent.

- I'm not sure if I'm done yet.

- But Poppy, this is no time to get the jitters, okay?

Let's just slam this home and let's really start selling.

- Sure.

- Poppy, I'm gonna make you famous.

You are gonna be on every TV, radio show,

every website you can think of;

everyone is gonna know your name,

you're gonna go crazy!

Everyone's gonna hang on your every word,

and it's gonna be everywhrere!

- Oh, good.

(apprehensive instrumental music)

I can enjoy feeling melancholy.

There's a good deal of satisfaction

in being thoroughly miserable,

but nobody likes feeling wound up.

You're just as likely to feel it

on the day after you've come into money

as you are on the day after you've just left your new phone

on the bus.

You become stupid, restless, irritable,

rude to strangers, dangerous toward your friends,

clumsy, and quarrelsome.

Nuisance to yourself and everybody about you.

(sighs) Which can be satisfying in itself, sometimes.

Besides, who would care two hoots,

whatever precise amount of care a hoot may represent,

whether you are blown up, hung up, or drowned, or married?

You have never been thoroughly appreciated,

you have never been met with your just rewards

in any one part of your life.

And this works you up into a state of savage fury

against everyone and everything, especially yourself,

whom anatomical reasons alone prevent you from kicking.

(sighs)

At least you can bully your partner: grumble at the dinner,

insist on watching something they don't like,

and after you've creatd a good deal of disturbance

around the house, at least you can enjoy the feeling

of having created some trouble for somebody else.

But to the victims of this, I would say

it is worth it to know that just because someone pushes you,

it doesn't mean they don't enjoy

having something to push against.

- What is it now?

- I just want you to know that I...

That I-- - Just let me sleep.

- Okay.

(intimate acoustic-guitar music)

Look at her.

An example of smug satisfaction

I've never seen outside of a religious meeting.

Vanity.

Everybody's vain.

Goodness in a pet's eyes is stroking them

and feeding them with food.

(Elaine chuckles)

I fear this narrow-minded view of virtue

is not confined to pets.

A good man is a man who is good to us.

A bad man is, well, a man who doesn't do

what we want him to do.

See, the truth is that we have, each of us,

this inborn conviction that the whole world,

with everybody and everything in it,

was created as some sort of appendage to ourselves,

and you and I, we're both the center of the universe,

in our respective opinions.

(light, catchy instrumental music)

Of course, it is in our follies that we are truly united.

Some of us are pious, some of us are generous.

Some few of us are honest, comparaatively speaking,

and some, even fewer still, may possibly be truthful.

- Do you have the ribbons?

- Ribbons?

- Yeah, the ribbons to decorate the table.

Are they in your box?

- Oh, no, sorry, they're not.

- Okay, I'll just quickly go get it.

- Yeah, okay.

Yeah, you do that, I'm just gonna say hi

to the neighbors and stuff.

(murky, suspicious ambient music)

(telephone rings)

- Hi, who is this?

- It's me, Patsy.

- Oh, hey Patsy, do you need Poppy?

- Yeah, there are some errors in her last submission

that need to be sorted out.

- Oh, did you email her?

- Well, I can, but we need these for Monday morning,

and she's not really the easiest to reach out,

if you know what I mean.

Can you get her for me?

- Actually, she's not near the phone at the moment.

Why don't you just send it to me?

- You have seen all this stuff, right?

- Of course.

- Okay.

I'll send it over to you.

What's your email?

- Oh my God!

(exciting rock music)

Oh shit!

(people screaming)

(insects buzzing)

- Do we have any bug spray?

- We?

Who's we?

- What?

What is that?

(Elaine whimpers)

- Patsy just sent me your latest work.

- Why would she do that?

- Because you never answer your fucking emails!

- This is fantasy.

Okay, look, it's just made up!

- Made up?

Made up?

It's me, every little bit of it is me!

- Please, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

- How dare you?

How dare you degrade me like that?

How dare you waste my life?

- No, we're not fake!

This is not fake!

We're not fake.

- Not fake?

Fuck you!

Well at least now I know that you acted like the disloyal,

scheming, cliche-ridden, side-sliming, talentless,

worthless, thoughtless, tasteless,

flat-chested, cross-eyed, split-ended,

saggy-assed bucket of slug nuggets that you truly are!

- What are slut nuggets?

- You acted.

You acted like a man.

(door beeps)

(Poppy sighs)

- But I love you.

(pained, regretful orchestral music)

(Poppy shrieks)

- Yeah.

Mike is gonna take me to the hospital.

Would you please take Toby?

- [Poppy] Um, no, I just--

- Poppy, please!

- [Poppy] Uh, yes.

Yes, yeah, yeah. - Thank you.

- [Poppy] Come here.

Come here.

It's okay.

(wretched, despairing classical music)

(telephone rings)

- [Angela] Hi, Pops.

It's Angela.

- Oh, hi.

- [Angela] So, Elaine is threatening to sue us

if we publish anything.

Have you spoken to her about this?

- No, no.

I've called and I've called, she won't talk to me.

- [Angela] Okay.

That basically means I can't sell this,

and we don't have any time or money

to have a lawyer go through it.

It'll be too expensive, Pops.

So this call is basically to say goodbye.

Sorry kid, but a lot of time has been wasted on this.

- Bye, Angela.

(pained, regretful orchestral music)

(Poppy sobbing)

Oh, buddy.

It's okay.

- [Landlord] So, you've got a little window here.

It's small, but it's not all that shitty.

- It's cheap.

And you take pets, right?

- Yep.

And I need first and last,

and sign here.

- Frank Biggs.

Oh, I know a Loretta Biggs.

From Haro Street.

- Oh yeah.

We were married.

- Oh.

- [Frank] Long story, long ago.

- Tell me.

- We had a son,

and he died.

- I'm so sorry.

- We didn't make it through it.

Couldn't even look at each other.

- Yeah, I just broke up with my girlfriend.

- Really?

Why's that?

- I lied.

A lot.

- Well you know,

it really isn't the lies.

It's the being shut out that matters.

People hate that.

Loretta, she shut me out,

and wouldn't speak to me about it.

Tried to fill her life full of community events

and some other bullshit.

- Right.

- But, you know,

we live, we learn.

Huh?

(Ramon gasps) - Hi, Poppy.

- [Poppy] Hey.

- Is Elaine here?

- No.

No, you're quite safe.

- What are you up to.

- I'm looking for inspiration.

- You're not going to find it here.

- He's right.

Maybe you should try Toronto.

- Shut up Clive, that's not what I mean at all.

What I mean, for an artist to create,

they must look within themselves

rather than at everyone else.

A true artist looks so closely at themselves

that they learn something new about everyone else.

- Bye, guys.

Hope the bruises have healed.

(simple acoustic pop music)

(sighs)

What's the point of being an idle person

if you just don't wanna be idle anymore?

(intimate acoustic-guitar music)

And then I leave, and then all of a sudden,

me and Elaine are getting into this giant fight,

she's gone, she does want to have anything to do with me,

she won't even speak to me.

I know you're mad at me, you're probably mad at me;

I'm so sorry, you guys.

I know that it seemed that it completely happened on purpose

but it really did not, I had no idea.

There was no explaining it.

I'm so sorry.

Loretta, I am

so sorry that I ruined your event.

I...

(Poppy sniffles)

- [Loretta] Did you love her?

- Yeah.

Yeah I did.

But she's gone.

Forever.

(Loretta sighs)

(Loretta sniffles)

- Oh, Poppy.

Life is hard.

There are some problems in life

that are truly insurmountable,

but this is not one of them.

Okay?

Now, listen very carefully.

(wretched, despairing classical music)

- Hi, Patsy.

- Hi, Elaine.

- Day off?

- Half-day, actually.

I have some papers due in the evening.

- Well, at least something.

- Elaine.

I wanted to say sorry.

- For what?

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault I fell in love with the wrong person.

- Maybe you didn't fall in love with the wrong person.

Maybe you fell in love with the right person

but that person's just a little bit wrong for you.

- You're 12, right?

- 13.

(emotional orchestral music)

- What would you say if I told you

I was gonna work much harder from now on?

Super heroes, space battles, and high production values,

you might give us a try.

Be a nice change.

But,

I am in danger of skipping ahead.

You want to know about her.

You want to know how it got so complicated.

(metal rattles)

- Well, what would you have said?

(chuckles)

(optimistic indie pop music)