Original subtitles

- Yes, sir?

- 500 on Captain Ben to win.

- Monkey on Captain Ben at nine to four.

- Thank you, Harry, five grand to win, Mr. Sin in the next.

- Some time it takes, she'll be all done.

- And it's Captain Ben a neck up on Mr. Sin

with Blundering Blue and Open Water tucked in behind

as they pass the two furlong pole.

It's Captain Ben trying to stretch his lead on Mr. Sin

with Blundering Blue still in contention,

Open Water falls away.

They hit the furlong marker.

Captain Ben bursting clear onto Sean O'Regan,

and at the post, it's Captain Ben two lengths too good,

followed by Mr. Sin in second

and Blundering Blue back in third.

- Thank you very much.

- Are you coming?

- She put up a great fight.

- Could have done with a rocket up its arse.

You have one of the runners?

- I am in the syndicate that owns Ben.

- Have a few quid on, did ya?

- Ah, yes, yes.

No hard feelings?

- Na, don't worry, I'll be up there with you big boys soon.

- I look forward to the competition.

- Tell you what,

why don't you join me in the hospitality tent

for a bottle of shampoo, eh?

Maybe I could pick your brains.

- I'd be delighted.

David Tyler.

- Dickie Brennan.

Girls!

Take Davey boy to the tent, give him a drink.

- Richard Brennan. Runs a video production company,

specializes in the adult market.

- Are we talking porn, Albert?

- I believe that's the term used, yes.

Not a very nice gentleman, by all accounts.

- What's going on?

- Albert's found a mark.

- Whoa, forgotten something?

- What?

- Not what, who.

You can't start without your leader.

- All right, all right.

Albert's talking us through the mark.

- Yeah, I don't want anyone

talking anyone else through anything

unless I'm here to talk it through with everyone

about everything, all right?

Not anyone, okay?

Is that clear?

- I think so.

- Albert, talk us through the mark.

You could have waited a minute.

- Oh, I think we did just fine.

- Children, please!

Richard Brennan, Dickie to his friends.

He made his millions in the adult industry,

starting with seedy sex stores and strip clubs.

Then he moved onto the adult film market.

- Yeah, I think I've seen his work, yeah.

- Why doesn't that surprise me?

- So, how do we get to him then?

- He has a passion for racehorses.

He has three horses in training,

but he's yet to win his first race,

and I think he'll pay whatever it takes to make that happen.

- Then we'd better not disappoint him.

- So, now all we need is a plan.

- A plan, yeah, okay, yeah, a plan.

Okay, here we go, here it comes.

Here we go, the old, the old plan, listen up, gang.

Right, well, what have we got, what have we got here?

I'll tell you what we got, we got a horse

and we've got porn.

Okay.

Stacie.

- No.

- No what?

- I'm not doing it.

- I ain't said anything yet!

- I know what you're going to say, and the answer is no.

- All right, clever clogs, what was I gonna say?

- That I get close to the mark

by masquerading as a porn star.

- No.

- Liar.

- All right, I admit I did think of that first, yeah,

but then I come up with a much, much better plan.

- Which is?

- Uh, ready?

We sell him a horse.

- Yeah, go on.

- Well, what?

The rest is just details, innit?

- Well, it's not much of a plan, is it?

- Okay, we set up a big store, Moody Stables,

we'll play him with a ringer,

he won't even know he's been had.

Albert, you reel him in.

Tell him a tale about a young horse,

classic winner in the making.

Stacie, you find me a horse that looks the part.

Ash, you work the inside with me as an owner.

Find a racing yard we can use, dodgy kettles, the lot.

If you need anything else, I'll be at Eddie's.

We're a man short and I'm holding interviews, all morning.

- We don't need anybody else!

- Yes, we do.

Five's the magic number.

A roper, two inside men, a lure and a fixer.

- What happens when Mickey gets back?

- Who says he will?

- Oh, don't be silly!

Albie?

- Danny's call.

- Thank you, Albert.

- Danny, Mickey's only been gone a few weeks.

- Was I or was I not elected leader?

- Yeah, but... - Then unless I'm

very much mistaken, which I'm not,

like Albert says, it's my call,

and I say we need someone else.

Now, Eddie has put the word out,

got grifters from all over London.

- Yep, the first should be here any minute.

- And you used my very strict screening process,

you know, weed out the no-hopers?

The wheat from the chaff.

- Just like you said, Danny.

- Bingo.

Now, if you'll excuse me, kids.

- I'm not sure if I like the new mature Danny.

- Ah, it won't last.

- Well, running your own crew is a big responsibility,

good to see him taking it seriously.

- Hello, are you Hannah?

- Yes.

- Mr. Blue.

- That's not.

- I think it is.

- Okay, right, a few questions.

Have you got a boyfriend at the moment?

Have you ever worked the wire?

Hmm, a no there.

What about the rag?

Shake of the head.

The Pigeon drop even?

What about the Jamaican switch?

No, guess that's a no.

We're looking at playing, who knows,

the Spanish Prisoner with a twist.

- How many is that now?

- Oh, 11 brunettes, nine blondes, one redhead.

- So, Eddie, what exactly was this screening process?

- Well, he said they had to be

A, a bird and B, well fit.

- Lovely, lovely pair of diamonds.

- And I called him mature?

- But they had to be grifters though, right?

- Well, yeah, but he said he'd be willing

to train the right person as long

as they were A, a bird and...

- And B, well fit?

- You got it.

- Shit, shit!

What the bloody hell was that?

I could have run it quicker meself.

Now, get her back out there and use the whip on her

or I'll use it on you!

- Something wrong, Dickie?

- Oh, you haven't got a decent jockey you can spare,

have you, Davey boy?

- You got a problem?

- This lot are a bunch of fairies.

They think more of the horse's feelings

than they do the money I'm plowing into 'em!

- Well, it's an expensive hobby.

- Yeah, well, a lot of people did a lot of disgusting things

to pay for these nags,

the least they can do is pull their finger out.

- I couldn't agree with you more.

- I mean, your lot had the right idea.

- My lot?

- Spurs, like the Old West.

That'd liven 'em up a bit!

- Well, it's a novel idea.

I doubt if the Jockey Club would agree with you.

- Stuff them!

Anyway, what you doing here?

Sniffing out the competition, are ya?

- No, no.

No, I was just passing by, I thought I'd buy you lunch.

- Ah, top man.

Give me five minutes,

I'll just scrape the horse shit off me boots.

- Right.

- Hello, Archie.

- Bloody hell!

- Well, I've had better welcomes.

Bombay Sapphire and slim-line tonic on the rocks, please.

Twist of lemon.

- Half a lager for the lady.

- You know, Archie, if I didn't know better,

I'd say that you weren't very pleased to see me.

- I get nervous around grifters.

You're too tricky for my liking.

And every time I see ya, you want something.

- How can you say that?

- So, you don't want anything?

- No!

Well, maybe just one small thing.

A horse.

Cheers.

- Good job, Freddie, just make sure you hug that rail.

- Mr. Harrington?

Nigel Marsh, Department of Food and Rural Affairs.

- What can I do for you?

- Do you, do you keep chickens here, sir?

- There's a few at the main house, why?

- You've heard of the Avian influenza pandemic, sir?

- Yes, of course.

- We, um, we found this bird adjacent to your land.

Early tests show it might have traces of the AH5 strain,

which as you may know,

when partnered with any one of nine

neuraminidase surface proteins produces sub-types

including H5N1, two, three and nine.

- I don't understand.

- To put it simply, sir,

there is a chance you may be infected.

We'll have to close down operations here

while we carry out some tests.

- I'm getting droppings from several species.

- Now hang on, this is a racing yard.

I can't just shut down.

- You can either comply with the order, sir,

or I can get the police to remove you and your staff

with the inevitable unfavorable publicity that will incur.

- So, this syndicate you belong to,

how many horses do you own?

- Well, about 30 here in the UK,

and about another dozen in the States.

All of which I'd swap tomorrow

to get the horse I came here to buy.

- Oh?

- She's a veritable flying machine.

She's running six furlongs

in just a little under a minute, 12.

- Well, that's quick.

- Quick enough to win a classic.

- Don't suppose I could have a butcher's?

I mean, just to give me some idea

of what I should be looking for.

- Well, I doubt if my business partners

would appreciate me bringing another owner along.

- Then don't tell 'em!

And I'll pick up the tab for the lunch.

- Hmm, well, I suppose there's no harm

in just letting you see her.

- Ah!

Lovely.

- Yes, mate?

- Oh, lager, please.

- You got any ID?

- 2.60.

- So, you're the world-famous Eddie then?

- Eh?

- Well, Eddie's Bar.

- Oh, right.

- Yeah, I've heard a lot about you.

- Yeah?

- You're the one who gets

all the grifters in here, aren't ya?

- You know about grifters?

- When everyone was playing computer games,

I was reading about Frank Abagnale and Count Lustig.

- Oh, right.

- Yeah, I heard you're, you're like the main man,

virtually a grifter yourself.

- Well, yeah, but keep it to yourself, you know what I mean?

- Hey, 'course, man.

I'm cool.

Yeah, they even say like,

you're the brains behind most of the big cons.

- Well, I wouldn't say the brains exactly.

No, I'm more of a consultant, you know.

Pointing them in the right direction.

You ever seen Charlie's Angels?

- Yeah.

I got ya, I got ya.

You must have had 'em all through here,

Stacie Monroe, Mickey Bricks.

- Three Socks Morgan.

- Yeah? - Albert Stroller.

- You're winding me up.

- No, they all come in here, mate.

- Danny Blue?

- Danny?

We're like that, mate.

- No way.

- Yes, way.

- So, where is he now?

- So, where are we?

- I've arranged to meet him this afternoon.

- We got a horse?

- I went to meet Archie, he's going to meet us at the yard

and bring a horse with him.

- The yard's sorted, we've got it till six o'clock.

- Great, okay.

Now, Ash's got us a dodgy stopwatch from Second-Hand Sid.

- It loses seven seconds a minute.

- Okay, show him the horse this afternoon.

Get him all excited and then bosh, hit him where it hurts.

Are we expecting anyone?

- No.

- Danny Blue.

- Never heard of him.

- I'm Billy, Billy Bond.

All I want is five minutes of your time, yeah?

- For what?

- I'm the best short con player in London.

I heard you was looking for new blood.

I've studied all the old time grifters, Charlie Ponzi,

Yellow Kid Weil, Limehouse Chappie, the High Ass kid.

I know you're working on a long con and I can help.

All I need is a chance to show you what I can do.

I'm a work of art, a force of nature.

I make a cripple walk, a penguin fly,

separate a mark from his money quicker than any man alive.

I'm the best of the best the rest ain't worth talking about.

And you're Danny Blue,

the only man who can teach me anything.

I just want one shot, yeah?

One more crack at the title, one more round.

Ring that bell and I'll be off my stool, tearing it up.

Just tell the world I'm coming, ready or not.

Billy the Kid is in the house.

- Yeah, sweet, brother, sweet.

That it?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Who was that?

- Some nutter.

- What'd he want?

- No idea, something about making penguins fly

and playing hide and seek, I don't know.

- Well, why did he come here then?

- Oh, nutters follow Danny wherever he goes.

- No, he heard we were recruiting,

but he must have slipped through Eddie's net

by the look of him.

- Yeah, but you could at least give him an interview.

- No chance.

Looked like a tea leaf, trying his luck.

Little git.

- I'm smarter than your average bear.

I'm the Lone Ranger's horse, I'm Tonto.

I'm a double-shot espresso.

I'm a baby grifter waiting to be born,

here to suck on the nipples of your wisdom.

- Oh, he seemed really sweet.

- Sweet?

He nicked me bleeding wallet.

- Yeah, well he gave it you back.

- You know, to find this place,

take your wallet and hand it back,

maybe he's as good as he says he is.

- And you did say we needed somebody.

- Yes, except he don't fit the very strict criteria,

on account of A, he ain't a bird and B, he ain't well fit.

- Oh, come on, Danny, give the kid a chance.

- You know it wasn't so long ago,

that you were knocking on that door.

- Yeah, well that was different.

- Why?

- 'Cause that was me, wasn't it?

- Right, come on, people, let's get a move on.

Danny, what's the time?

- The thieving little.

Yeah, he's got some front, I'll give him that.

- Yeah, just not the kind of front you're looking for, eh?

- Can we stick to the schedule, people, please, eh?

- Yeah, Danny, stick to the schedule.

- Knocking on my door, dipping me on my own doorstep.

- Well, he certainly got your attention.

- Yeah, it was lucky

he didn't get my bleeding boot up his jacksey.

- Hey, my colleague's just had to go home,

his wife's just fallen off a treadmill,

so I'll be taking your lesson.

Right, start your engine, check your mirrors,

indicate, pull away and follow that car.

What's happening?

- So, can he run?

- If you mean could he win a race,

yes, but only if none of the other horses turned up.

- Well, he certainly looks the part.

- Oh, she's a fine-looking animal,

pity she's got four left feet.

- Is following cars part of the test?

- Absolutely.

Yeah, it's all part of the new DVLA initiative.

Gets you ready for traffic jams.

Stop here, please.

Okay, you wait here

and read through your traffic signs, okay?

- How much?

- A grand.

A grand for a horse with four left feet!

- Miss Monroe said it had to look like a racehorse,

not actually be able to run.

- I think I also mentioned the word cheap, Archie.

- 500.

- I'm even lending you a jockey!

- Six.

- 950.

- Seven.

- 900 and we shake hands.

- 750, shake whatever you like.

- Ash, you shake the man's hand, Stacie you can pay him.

- You all right, mate?

- Who are you?

- I'm a friend of Danny's.

- Oh.

- Yeah, what's the score?

- Eh?

- The plan, what's going on?

- You'd better ask Danny.

- Yeah, right.

- Right, Dickie's due in 10 minutes.

We all set?

- Ready as we'll ever be.

- Gawd, it's like a bloody ghost town.

- Well, I did say we should get some other people.

- Where's the jockey?

- Archie sent him to get changed.

- Yeah, well, he'd better hurry up.

- Shit!

Shit!

Shit!

- Hello, David.

- Ah, Paul, this is my friend, Richard Brennan.

Dickie, Paul Marchant.

- How do you do?

- Lovely to meet you Richard.

This is my assistant, Caroline.

- Great to meet you.

- I asked Dickie along to see my new baby.

- Well, strictly speaking she's not yours yet,

but he's very welcome all the same.

- Oh, we'll be ready to go any minute, sir.

- Splendid, Nick O'Leary, my trainer, top class.

Nick, this is David Tyler, he's from the syndicate

that's buying Cindy's Fortune.

- Very lucky man, sir, she's a great horse.

- Well, thank you, I think so too.

- Righto, Nick.

Let's have a look.

Ah, here she comes.

We're running her over six furlongs.

- All right now, that's right, up to the start!

No, no, no, no, this way, this way!

All right, now, stay tight.

Open up for the last three, we'll see what you got in there.

- David.

- Ah, Richard, would you like to time her?

- Oh, sure, yeah.

- All right now, let's be having you!

- You've got a black jockey.

- It appears so, yes.

- Doesn't look that quick, does she?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It can be a bit deceptive from up here.

- Right now, fingers on the clock.

Here she comes now.

Time! - Woo!

- How was it?

- 1.09.

- Excellent.

- She's getting better.

- Oh, maybe we should put the price up.

- I don't think she wants to stop.

- Shit!

- Yeah, he'll be taking her to the top field.

I'll go and check.

- Well, David, it looks like

we've got a classic winner there.

- I think we ought to sign those contracts fast.

- Look, maybe you should give me your number,

we could do something together.

- Yes, sure.

- I'll be in touch.

- I look forward to it.

- Thanks again, Paul, see you in the morning,

nine o'clock sharp.

- Don't forget your checkbook.

- Right!

- I can't find the bloody thing.

- Sorry, lads, Sammy had a bit of a knock.

He's all right now though.

- Where's me horse?

- Steady, steady.

Hey, that's my horse!

You!

No, no way.

Over my dead body.

- He learned where we drink, where we live,

he dipped your watch and your wallet,

and he found us while giving a driving lesson.

- And he gate-crashed a con.

- Exactly.

- It worked out all right, didn't it?

- Only just.

He's a kid and he'll be a flaming liability.

- I say we give him a chance.

- Well, what about Imogen?

- Imogen's an airhead.

- Oh, you jealous, Stace?

- Of what?

- Look, Imogen'll be great, okay?

She's potential bunny-boiler material, granted,

but you know, I like that in a bird.

I mean it gives things a bit of an edge, you know.

- Can we just keep to the matter in hand, please?

- I vote we give him a chance.

- I think Stacie's right.

Albert, what do you think?

- Well, he's young, he's bright,

he seems to have balls of steel.

But Danny is the leader and what he says goes.

- Even if it's Imogen?

- A good crew needs a strong leader.

- And I say he's out.

- Here we go.

Paul Marchant speaking.

Richard!

Of course, I remember you.

Yes, I know it.

8:30?

I'll see you there.

We've got a bite.

- Paul!

♪ Keep that music ♪

- Good to see you, mate.

This is Suki and this is Petra.

Say hello to Mr. Marchant, girls.

- Hello.

- Sit down, sit down.

- Thank you.

- Let me get you a drink.

♪ Down ♪

♪ And down ♪

- Thank you, this is very nice.

- I bet you're wondering what you're doing here?

- Well, yes.

- Do I look like a Billy bullshitter to you, Paul, do I?

Hmm, hmm?

- No.

- That's because I'm not,

so let's not spend the whole night fannying around, eh?

I want to buy that horse of yours.

- Cindy's Fortune?

Well, David's already made an offer.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you haven't signed a contract yet, have you, hmm?

- No, I haven't, no, but we have a gentleman's agreement.

- Bollocks.

How much has he offered you?

- Well, I'm not sure I could say.

- Force yourself.

- Oh, 50?

60 quid?

♪ No more sporting and backing and forthing ♪

- 75.

- Ooh!

I'll give you a hundred, cash.

- Cash?

- You got an aversion to that, have you?

- Well, no, no, it's, it's just not very usual.

- Usual smooshual.

I'll give you 100K cash in your bin.

What do ya say?

- No, no, no I couldn't possibly.

- See, girls, see, I knew you was gonna say that,

what with you being a gentleman.

Your word is your bond, am I right?

- Absolutely.

- That's why I brought the girls.

You see, I'm gonna fill you full of booze, a nice cigar.

Then the girls, they're gonna take you upstairs

and they're gonna help you forget

about all of your morals and then,

you're gonna sell me that horse.

- Ash, Ash, Ash!

How do you get on, mate?

- Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, yeah.

- So, how much did he go for?

- 100K.

- Good lad!

- Woo! - Huzzah!

Well, tell us then, what happened?

- Well, I met him at the hotel.

Well, he offered to buy the horse like we knew he would.

- But how did you reach a price?

- I was gonna go for 50, but then he guessed 60,

so I said 75 and he offered 100.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, genius.

- You didn't rush it though?

You held out for a while?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, it must have been hard.

- Very.

- So, the deal is done?

- Signed, sealed and delivered.

I'm meeting at his yard tomorrow.

- Well, done.

- Fantastic, man, fantastic.

- Tomorrow we take his money.

- Yeah, well, you know guys, I was only doing me job.

- Are you all right?

- Yeah, I will be when me head stops thumping.

- All in a good cause.

- Pauly boy!

How you doing?

- Ooh, little fragile, old chap.

- The girls send their love.

- Ah!

- Hmm, hmm?

- Hello.

- Here as promised, Cindy's Fortune.

- Brilliant.

Hang about and I'll just get you your dough.

- Girls?

- Oh, some people we met in the bar.

- Oh, all right.

- Heh, what's this?

- 10 grand.

- 10?

- Like we agreed.

I thought we agreed 100.

- Oh dear.

Don't tell me you didn't read the contract

before you signed it, Paul?

- Well, I...

- See, not being a Muppet,

I thought I might need a bit of insurance.

So, the contract was for 10,000 deposit,

the other 90,000 when she wins her first race.

Still, a flying machine like she is,

shouldn't be too long, should it?

I've got her booked into a lovely

little six furlong on Saturday.

She'll walk it.

- Didn't you check it?

- I thought I did.

I saw the hundred grand written down,

I thought it was kosher.

- It's not Ash's fault.

We thought we were pulling the fast one,

not the other way around.

- We're 10,000 up.

- Not exactly.

We bought the horse.

With other expenses that brings it down to about eight.

Right, look, we're eight grand up,

I mean, there's no harm done.

- No, all right, no.

We ain't giving up.

Look, there's a thousand ordinary grifters out there, okay,

who'd walk away happy with eight grand, okay?

But we're supposed to be the best.

I mean, that's why kids like Billy Bond came to find us,

that's why I came to find Mickey.

So, no crew of mine will ever walk away

knowing a mark has got the better of us.

- Danny, there's nothing else we can do.

- Yes, there is.

- Such as?

- We make sure that horse wins on Saturday.

- It's not funny, Archie!

- Oh, yes, it is!

That horse couldn't win an egg and spoon race,

let alone a sprint.

- There must be a way.

- Well, you could fix the race.

- Okay, yes, I'm listening.

- How many runners?

- Six.

- Okay, here's what you do.

Get into the parade ring before the race.

Make sure no one is looking,

then tie all the other horses' legs together.

That way she might come in the first three!

- Come on, Archie, help us out here, will ya?

- Archie, we'll make it worth your while.

- Okay.

There's only one way I can think of.

- This better not be another wind-up!

- No, but it hasn't been done for years.

- What?

- Horse painting.

- Of course.

- Eh, how does painting the bleeding thing

make it go faster?

- No, no, no.

You find a horse the same size, age and shape, but fast,

and then you change its coloring

to make it look like Cindy's Fortune.

- That's the only way.

- And you can do it?

- I could, but where are you going to find the right horse?

- Eh?

- Where the hell did you find it?

- Well, we sort of borrowed it.

- They're exactly the same size.

- So, can you do this, Archie?

- Sure.

If the race is small enough, no one'll be looking.

And your man who bought the other one is no expert.

- So, we paint this one to look like this one

and then we switch them before the race, yeah?

- Exactly.

No one'll spot the difference, I guarantee it.

- All right, when can you have her ready by?

- Gold or silver service?

- Silver.

- A week next Thursday.

- Gold.

- Tomorrow morning.

- How much? - Five grand.

- Five grand!

For slopping a bit of bloody paint on a gee-gee?

- Well, I don't know of any other way

you're gonna win that race on Saturday.

- You.

Pay the man, Stace.

Do you know what?

I feel like I've been mugged.

- If it works, we get paid out, don't we?

- Exactly. - Yeah, well I bet

Imogen would have checked the bleeding contract properly.

- Ah, it's a lovely evening,

I think I'll take a little stroll, all right?

- Do you want me to come with you, Albie?

- No, no, my dear, I won't be long.

Hi.

Buy you a drink?

You're a very persistent young man.

- How do I know what's coming next?

- And what's that?

- It's the "Come back when you're older" speech, innit?

Or "When you've had an hair cut", or "Dress better",

"Have a better attitude,"

"When there's an R in the month."

- Yeah, I heard more than a few speeches like that

when I was your age.

- Did you listen?

- No.

So, why do you wanna be a grifter?

- That's all I know.

- Ah, that's not good enough.

- The money.

- Then you're doomed to failure.

- Look, there's obviously something

you're waiting for me to say, old man,

some ancient grifters' code

that you all know about and I don't.

I mean, we can sit here all night

playing 20 questions trying to find it,

fact is, I don't know what it is you want me to say,

so thanks for the beer, let's just forget about it, yeah?

- Billy do you ever watch movies?

- Sometimes.

- Well, there's a line in "Cool Hand Luke"

when the boss of the chain gang says to Luke,

"What we have here is a failure to communicate."

I know what's in your head,

it's your heart that worries me.

- I've been on the streets since I was 13, yeah?

Dozen care homes before that.

They tried to say I was bad,

the truth was I didn't like being touched up

by dirty old men.

I stole to eat, and they put me away for that too.

I came out, tried to get a job

'cause I had a record, I was straight back on the streets.

They make the rules,

I got no way of keeping them, so I do what I do.

I go my own way.

- Well, that doesn't tell me why you wanna be a grifter.

- So, I can play these faceless bastards at their own game.

The banks, the bosses, the man.

Hit 'em where it hurts,

the only place they really care about, in the pocket.

- Revenge, huh?

- Well, you can call it that, but I call it self-defense.

- So, you'd like me to help you?

- Did you help this Michael?

- Yes, I did.

Okay, but first I want you to meet a close friend of mine.

- Wow, Archie, it's identical.

- That's unbelievable.

- Archie, you are an artist.

- And you're sure she'll win the race?

- I don't know where you found her, but she's a flyer.

I've had a look at the other runners,

and she'll leave them all stone dead.

- So, do we go?

- Oh, yes.

- That's it, nice and easy with her.

Nice and easy, bring her down gently.

That's it, that's it.

That's lovely, look.

This has cost me an arm and a leg, that one.

Oi, knob head!

Move that broom or I'll stick it up your arse!

- Albie, you're on.

- On my way.

You damn cheat!

That's my horse and you cheated me!

- All right, old man.

All's fair in love and racing.

- You knew I'd done a deal with Marchant

and you went behind my back.

And what makes it even worse

is that I introduced you to him!

- Did I thank you for that?

- You're a cheat and a liar.

- Get out of my face, old man,

before I lose my patience and give you a slap in the mouth.

- You're never gonna get away with this!

- I already have.

Now sling your hook, I got a race to run.

- I'm gonna report you.

- Yeah, who to?

- The authorities.

- Look, I offered the man more than you.

He sold me the horse, end of story.

Now, are you gonna leave or am I gonna throw you out?

- You haven't heard the last of this.

- Oh yes, I have.

- You'll be hearing from my solicitors.

- Yeah, I'll look forward to that.

- The runners are leaving the parade ring

for the second race.

They're on their way to the mile-and-a-half start.

- Paul!

- I hope you've brought my money.

- It's yours the second she passes the winning post.

Providing she comes first.

- Oh, she will.

- I'm just off to the parade ring, put a little bet on.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

- Is that the best you can do on Cindy's Fortune?

- Five to one, Cindy's Fortune!

Five to one, Cindy's Fortune!

- I'll take six to one on Cindy's Fortune.

- 20 grand to win, Cindy's Fortune in the next.

- The six furlong,

Maiden Stakes here about to get underway.

Most of the horses now at the post.

They're loading them up.

This race is for both colts and fillies,

and the going now officially changed to good to firm.

Cindy's Fortune going in under Patrick O'Donnell

in the purple colors of Richard Brennan,

currently five to one.

Favorite Saucy Sarah at five to two.

And they're off!

Six furlongs...

Cindy's Fortune got off to a great start.

Saucy Sarah slowly away, so too was Boy Bluster,

but not Cindy's Fortune.

- Look at her go!

- She's already gone up by about a length or two

as they approach halfway.

The further she goes, the further clear she goes.

Cindy's Fortune on a real goey day today.

And she absolutely devastates...

- Let her go, yeah, right!

- And all the way with her,

for Cindy's Fortune easily,

second place for Wildlife and Boy Bluster back in third.

- Woo! - Yeah!

- Come on!

- Ah!

- Bloody marvelous!

Did you see that?

- Yeah, now, it's just a small matter of the money.

- Oh, son, son, son, she's worth every single penny.

Suki, go get the man his money.

- Oh yes! - Champagne!

Yes!

- Yeah!

- Oh, this is the best moment!

- Oh, oh, she's, she's...

- Well done!

- Oh, well done, sir, yeah, well, well done.

She's sweating, she's sweating.

- Hi, security here.

Stop paying out on Cindy's Fortune.

- What the bloody hell's this? - Would the clerk

of the course come to the winner's enclosure immediately.

- Ah! - Stop them two!

Stop them!

Don't stop me, you idiots, stop them!

They're the ones, they're crooks!

They've had me over!

- Archie, come here, I'll bleeding kill you!

- Archie!

- Porn baron and horse owner Richard Brennan

was arrested today for entering a filly

which had been stolen from Sheikh Abdul Aziz's stables.

Painted to look like his own horse.

- Hey, you're missing the excitement.

Someone's tried to rig a race by painting the horse.

- No, what some people will do, eh?

- Eddie, turn the telly off, bring the drinks over.

What a bleeding balls-up.

I'll tell you now, I'll kill him, I'll kill Archie!

- Yeah, well, it might have survived the champagne

if you hadn't started patting it.

- Well, yeah, how the hell was I to know?

- Yeah, well, that's it.

I can't see him paying up now somehow, can you?

And with everything we've paid out, we are out of pocket.

- Oh, it was all going so well.

- Scotch on the rocks, Eddie.

- Albie!

Did you see what happened?

- Hard not to, my dear.

- Yeah, well, we've definitely made a loss.

- Not good, not good.

- No, we haven't made a loss before, have we?

- When this gets out, we're gonna be a laughing stock.

- Yeah, all right!

- Yeah, we might not be able to afford Imogen now.

- Yeah, it's a pity we didn't have a plan B, wasn't it?

- Ooh, a plan B, yeah!

- You lot don't look very happy.

- Oh, thanks for that observation, Eddie.

- Go away.

- Aye, butt out.

- Oh, brilliant, brilliant.

I mean, now my day is complete.

I got nothing left to nick.

- I ain't here to nick anything.

- I so haven't got time for this, all right?

- Hear the kid out.

- Look, I knew the only way you'd let me in

was if I proved I was good enough.

I mean, that's what you did, didn't you, Mr. Blue?

So, I watched you,

worked out what you was doing, tried to help out.

- Well, you must have done a brilliant job

'cause we're all potless.

- Go on, Billy.

- I knew you had the whole horse thing covered,

but there was one thing you missed.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah.

- Five to one, Cindy's Fortune.

- Danny, is that the best you can do on Cindy's Fortune?

- Five to one, Cindy's Fortune.

- Five to one on Cindy's Fortune.

- I'll take six to one on Cindy's Fortune.

- 20 grand to win, Cindy's Fortune in the next.

- 20 grand to win, Cindy's Fortune, all right.

Give the man a ticket.

If he thought his horse was gonna win,

then obviously he's gonna put a big bet on.

So, I thought that would be a good plan B.

- Well, I mean, obviously, I thought of that,

but we just sort of run out of time, didn't we?

- So, here's 20 grand.

And that's more money than I've ever seen in my life.

But it's yours if you let me in.

- One question.

How much did you have to do with all this, Albert?

- Me?

Well, absolutely nothing.

- It would mean that we'd made a profit.

- Yeah, that's true.

- Actually, we did make a bit of a profit.

I decided to put a little bet on Cindy's Fortune myself.

I collected this just before things went awry.

- Yeah, me too.

It was too good to miss.

- Yes, it was.

- Well, seems like you were the only one

who drew a blank then, Danny.

In your dreams.

- So, what do you say then, Mr. Blue?

Give us one chance, yeah?

- Do you know, I'm getting a funny feeling

that I'm being set up here.

- No, no. - No.

- No, no. - No.

- I want it crystal clear, I make all the decisions.

- Yeah, but of course, absolutely.

- I had someone else really good lined up an' all.

- I won't let you down.

- All right, you're in.

- Yeah!

- Chin-chin.

- Oh!

- But no more messing about, yeah?

No more nicking me wallet,

no going off doing unilateral things on your own

without my saying so.

- It's a deal.

- Sit down.

- Well, I think we should have a toast.

- Yeah.

- To Billy the Kid.

- Nice one, son. - Cheers, Billy.

- Cheers. - Welcome.

- Oh, no, I don't need this.

- Oh, no.

- Oh, dear, how many promises did you make her exactly?

- Right, Billy, your first initiative test.

- Yeah.

- See that bird over there?

Been offered a job, loads of money, round the world travel,

fast cars and regular sex with a Brad Pitt look-a-like.

Namely, moi.

Now you have to blow her out,

whilst not making her so angry that,

you know, she wants to hurt me, got it?

And if you can keep hold of the regular sex bit,

you can have a bonus.

Hello, gorgeous!

Gorgeous girl, look at you.

Mwah!

- Albert Stroller, a great pleasure.

- There's Albert jumping in there.

- Three Socks Morgan, how do you do?

- Three Socks, my assistant.

- Hi! - Stacie Monroe,

you look lovely.

- Thank you, he's over there.

If you'll just, you got a lovely,

I'll leave you with Billy anyway, he'll tell you all about.

- Hi, all right.

Sit down.

- Don't you think that was a bit cruel?

- No, he'll be all right, it's a test, innit?

See what the kid's made of.

- Didn't you say she was a bunny-boiler?

- I said she had potential

to be a bunny-boiler if you upset her.

- Which is what you've just left Billy to do.

- I think they've got a point, Danny.

- Okay, let's go back.

Let's go see Billy, yeah?

Billy bleeding this, Billy bleeding that.

- Oh, he's good, isn't he?

- Yeah, what would you say, under a minute?

- Well, I'd say he's passed the test.

- Yeah.

You know what else?

He reminds me of me.