Original subtitles

Just don't... talk too much

or try to pretend you know anything about the company.

OK. - And don't be funny or clever or...

Just don't be the centre of attention.

These people are very important to me

so just don't... - OK.

...don't be yourself.

I won't.

Fuck's sake.

I know people in this building.

Anyone could come...

Hi, Claire.

Hello, Leslie.

Ooh, that's lovely.

What is that?

We have a load of vegetarians

so make sure it's clear which ones have meat in them.

Loves a crisis. - We have a couple

of waitresses for the drinks

so if you could hand round the food. - Mm-hmm.

Put her in a quiet room with a nice breeze

she'll have a panic attack. - Where is everyone?

She's so happy.

God, this is stressful.

Don't be weird about how big my office is.

What the fuck?

- I know. - Are you a...

It's over the top. I know. OK.

Put them on the table. Not that table.

Oh. You OK? - Of course. It's just

it's just, it's a big night

and the Finnish partners are here, so it's all a bit...

- Oh, check the award. - Why?

Just to make sure it's not pink or anything horrifically female.

She'll loathe that.

Be careful with it. It's worth thousands.

It's not pink. - Good.

It's perfect. It looks like a sperm.

Your hair looks nice. - Shut up.

OK, don't sit on that.

OK, put those on the posh plates.

Put the award behind the microphone.

Oh, and, um...

Thank you.

You've really, uh...

Thank you.

Don't play with that.

Oh, that's heavy. Argh!

Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

My God.

Where have you been? - Oh, sorry.

I just had to get the vegetarian bites. But it's all fine.

You're gonna love them. - You're sweating so much.

Sorry. - It's attention-grabbing.

It's only on one side.

Um, sorry, this is, uh, Sylvia.

She's going to be presenting the award

so when you hear me introduce her, get her onstage.

Hi. - Has this got shellfish in it?

No. - Fine.

Four CEOs have been fired. Two are being taken to court.

I mean, it's just sad.

We felt like a family.

Yeah. Especially sad when you have to tell your family

not to touch each other up by the photocopier.

Stop making jokes.

I'm sorry. I can't help it. - You can.

Oh, Belinda's coming. Don't speak to Belinda.

Hello, Claire. - Hello, Belinda.

God, you're tasteful. - Mm.

Ooh, are these meaty?

Say something.

Um, no, I think they have courgette in them.

Oh, I love courgette.

You can treat them appallingly and they still grow.

She seems lovely. - Yeah, she's great.

So who are you so nervous about?

I'm not nervous. I'm being completely...

Claire! - Oh!

Hi. Oh! - Oh, wow.

Oh, sorry. I-I'm-I'm so glad you could come.

- Of course. It's my job. - Ah.

This is my catering. She's the sister.

Hi. - Ah.

I ate a sausage over there, thinking it was a prune.

Oh.

Fifteen years of vegetarianism, gone.

Like bang, bang.

Oh.

We do actually call them "bangers."

Ah! That's funny!

Yes, it was.

So, how do you two know each other?

Uh, we're partners. - Uh, we are partners.

Um, business partners in, um... - Yes. She's been working with me

- in Finland, and, uh... - Yes.

We don't get to see each other

that much, but I'm... - No, exactly.

I'm a huge... - I'm a big fan.

Thank you. Admirer.

I'm going to get a drink. Do you want anything?

Oh. Uh, champagne, please.

Oh, off the wagon?

Oh, just when I'm with you.

Let's go fucking crazy tonight, then.

Hmm?

What did you say?

No, no. I, um, I was...

No, what did you say? - Oh, just, uh

uh...

I just said, "Let's go fuck like crazy tonight."

Oh, God. Uh...

OK!

Shut up.

Oh, my God.

He is a very good businessman. He's just socially sort of...

And what's, um... - Shut up.

Claire. - Please don't. Please don't.

I can't cope. OK?

OK.

What's his name?

What's his name?

Klare.

What?

His name is Klare.

Don't. - Mm.

Oh, God, I have to announce. OK, mingle.

But don't talk to anyone. - OK.

I'm not in love with him.

OK.

Hi, everyone.

I am very proud to announce the nominees

for the Women in Business Awards

sponsored by us here at Hurbots.

Amongst our exceptional women

we have Georgina Franks.

Belinda Friers.

And another extraordinary woman

Klare Korhonen.

Oh, uh, sorry. I-I think there's been a mistake here.

I... and, uh, Elizabeth Sawkin.

Congratulations to you all. Have a wonderful evening.

We will be presenting the award very soon.

I'm gonna introduce Sylvia

who's gonna introduce Belinda. - Uh-huh.

When you hear me introducing Sylvia, get her onstage.

It has to go like "cockwork." - Like what?

"Cockwork."

Claire, your brain is somewhere else right now.

Just... Sylvia. Go.

Sylvia.

Crap.

A huge thanks to Matthew, Mark Luke and John

for coming up with this award

and to Linkedln for connecting us all this evening and beyond.

I am so excited to introduce Sylvia Hamber

this year's winner of Women Who Work...

...who will announce this year's

Best Woman in Business. Sylvia.

What an entrance!

I'll do it.

I can do it.

Um, I'm sorry.

It appears that Sylvia is busy

which shouldn't come as a surprise, really.

Uh...

It's-it's been a big year for business.

Particularly women in business.

Men have been pretty hands-on the past few decades.

I'd like to thank all the brilliant men and women

for supporting each other here at Hurbots.

We're a... a family, really.

And if we've learned anything during the past 12 months

it's that family really shouldn't touch each other up

next to the photocopier.

Funny!

I am honoured to present this award

to this year's Best Woman in Business...

Belinda Friers.

Fuck's sake!

Thank you, thank... thank you.

Well, um...

Well, I was going to say this is a bit on the nose

but she doesn't seem to have one.

What were you thinking? - It'll be fine.

It's not fine. I awarded her with a pair of tits.

Chase her down.

Chase her down? - It's a stolen piece of art.

I will deal with the photographer.

- Claire! - Oh!

Oh, my God, you were brilliant.

Thank you, Klare. - I loved the joke.

Ah. - Oh, well, I didn't think it was that funny.

Can you go, my love?

Oh, I'm just gonna... - Take the stairs.

OK.

I'm trained in martial arts.

It's just the basics, but it is enough.

I work at Harbots.

Hurbots.

Yes, I ate a courgette off your tray.

Yeah. - It was delicious.

Thank you. - What do you want?

That.

I-I need to take your award back.

Why? - It's a stolen piece of art.

It's not really an award. It's all my fault. I can explain.

Is it a long story?

Sort of.

And she still doesn't know you have it?

That's glorious.

I think you did exactly the right thing.

I think you're the only person who thinks that.

God. Women's awards.

Congratulations.

Oh, it's infantilising bollocks.

Well, don't you think it's good that...

No. No. It's ghettoising.

It's a subsection of success.

Ah, it's the fucking children's table of awards.

Why did you go?

Because I'd be an arsehole not to.

Ms Friers.

Thank you, darling.

Gosh, she's hot.

Yeah.

Are you a lesbian?

Not strictly. You? - Mm.

Mm. Do you like old films? - Some.

And what's your favourite period film?

Carrie.

God.

God, you are a tonic.

What do you do? Are you a "woman in business"?

I run a caf�. - Oh.

Oh, good for you.

Did you make the canap�s?

Uh, no, actually, I stole them.

How old are you?

Fifty-eight, and you? - Thirty-three.

Oh. Well, don't worry. It does get better.

You promise? - I promise.

Listen, I was in an aeroplane the other day

and I realised... well, I-I mean

I've been longing to say this out loud, so...

Women are born with pain built in.

It's our physical destiny.

Uh, period pains, sore boobs, childbirth, you know.

We carry it within ourselves throughout our lives.

Men don't.

They have to seek it out.

They invent all these gods and demons and things

all so they can feel guilty about things

which is something we do very well on our own.

And then they create wars so they can

feel things and touch each other

and when there aren't any wars, they can play rugby.

And we have it all going on in here, inside.

We have pain on a cycle for years and years and years.

And then, just when you feel you are making peace with it all, what happens?

The menopause comes.

The fucking menopause comes, and it is...

...the most

wonderful fucking thing in the world.

And yes, your entire pelvic floor crumbles

and you get fucking hot, and n-no one cares

but then...

you're free.

No longer a slave

no longer a-a machine with parts.

You're just a person, in business.

Oh.

I was told it was horrendous.

It is horrendous, but then it's magnificent.

Something to look forward to.

You better get back to that party.

Your party. - Mm. It is not a party

until someone flirts with you.

And that's the only really shit thing about getting older

is that people don't flirt with you anymore.

Not really. Not with danger.

I miss walking into a room and not knowing

and there's a sort of energy, a dare.

And do not take that for granted.

There is nothing more exciting than a room full of people.

Yeah, except most people are...

What?

Shit.

Oh.

Look at me.

Listen.

People are all we've got.

People are all we've got, so grab the night by its nipples

and go and flirt with someone.

Mm. No, that's not what I meant.

Mm...

Oh. I wish you were my type.

You take this tart back to my party

and go and find someone to actually do that with.

I want to do it with you. - No.

Why not?

Honestly? - Yeah.

I can't be arsed, darling.

I'm gonna go back to my room and have one more martini

and if you need anything

call me.

Anything.

You can have whoever you want at your age.

Except the Best Woman in Business.

Well, that's just cos she's... exhausted.

33 isn't exactly...

And what had Jesus done by 33?

Died?

Exactly. So get out there and flirt.

Here you are.

Oh, hi. - Thought you might be snogging Finland.

Ha. No, I, uh...

Just, uh, sorting a few things.

I got her. - Oh.

And Belinda gave me her card. - Oh, that's great.

What? - Nothing.

She's furious.

Really? - Yes.

It was a great night.

Everything went smoothly in the end

and everyone loved the canap�s.

Really? I'm a dead woman.

Really? - Yes.

Really?

Yes. It was a great night.

She's gonna blow. I just have a feeling...

I would have come up with my own joke

if you hadn't put that one in my head.

I have my own jokes.

I am funny, I am interesting.

I knew I shouldn't have brought you here.

What do you mean "interesting"? - You just think you can do

whatever you like, say whatever you like

steal whatever you like, kiss whoever you like.

He kissed me! - Oh, I know!

You know?

Then why have we been spending the entire... - Because you're fine.

You'll always be fine, you'll always be interesting

with your quirky caf� and your dead best friend.

You just make me feel like I've failed.

Claire...

If you mention the size of my office, I will scream.

It's huge.

I just thought we were hanging out.

Just as friends.

We're not friends.

We are sisters.

Get your own friends.

Oh, hi. - Oh, sorry.

I didn't have your number, and you just said

come round anytime with G&Ts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. I just, uh...

This is a bit embarrassing, but recently I've been

really enjoying going to bed at 9:30.

Oh, shit. - No, it's fine.

I can see G&T... Are you OK?

Yeah, yeah, I just-just fancied a drink and a priest

and a chat, maybe.

Oh, that's my whole job.

We'll have to be quiet though

because Pam's a bit of a

sound tyrant in the evenings.

Pam lives here?

Yeah, Pam lives here.

- So, I read your book. - OK, great.

Well, it's got some great twists. - True.

Uh, but I just, I couldn't help

but notice... - Come on, just spit it out.

...just one or two little inconsistencies.

OK, sure.

So, the world was made in seven days

and on the first day, light came

and then, a few days later, the sun came.

Yeah, that's ridiculous.

But you believe that.

But it's not fact. It's poetry, it's moral code.

It's for interpretation to help us work out

God's plan for us.

What's God's plan for you?

I believe God meant for me to love people

in a... different way.

I believe I'm supposed to love people as a father.

We can arrange that.

A father of many.

I'll go up to three. - It's not gonna happen.

Two, then. - OK, two.

Oh, shit, Pam. She's not happy.

We should go outside.

Do you think I should become a Catholic?

No, don't do that.

I like that you believe in a meaningless existence.

And you're good for me, you make me

question my faith.

And? - I've never felt closer to God.

Fuck you.

What was that?

It wasn't a fox, was it? - I don't know.

Was it a fox? Shine something. Boo! Baa!

- Oh, God, I bet it's a fox. - Oh, God.

No, I'm not being funny, foxes have been after me for years.

It's like they have a pact or something.

I'm not kidding. I was on a toilet

a toilet of a train, and when the train stopped

a fucking fox tried to get through the window.

Of a train! Its face was in the window.

And once, when I was at a monastery

I woke up just feeling a bit weird

like there might be a fox about, and a fox was sitting

underneath my window, looking at me like this.

Pointing at me like, "You... we're watching you.

We're having you."

Lucky God got there first.

Well, yeah. - You could be a fox boy by now.

And we all know what happened to them.

You OK? - I'm OK.

Do you think I'm mad?

Because of the fox thing or cos of the God thing?

You're obsessed.

Do you ever have doubts?

Yes, of course. Every day. It's part of the deal.

I just don't think I could do it.

Especially as a...

What?

Celibacy and...

Oh, it's a fucking fox!

Chill out about the fox.

Oh, sorry. I just don't know what they want from me.

Sorry.

Celibacy.

Go.

I just...

I couldn't give up sex forever.

It's just too...

too...

Celibacy...

is a lot less complicated than...

romantic relationships.

What if you meet someone you like?

I talk and drink and laugh and give them Bibles

and hope they eventually leave me alone.

What if you meet someone you love?

We're not gonna have sex.

I know that's what you think you want from me, but it's not.

It won't bring any good.

- Well, it might. - It won't.

I've been there many times...

before I found this.

Many, many times.

How many times?

Many.

I'd really like to be your friend, though.

I'd like to be your friend, too.

We'll last a week.

What was that?

What?

Where'd you... where'd you just go?

What?

You just... went somewhere.

There. There.

Where'd you just go?

Nowhere.

OK.