Original subtitles

So beautiful. Gorgeous!

Just like your Kamran.

He is the perfect match for our Nousha.

Nousha?

Coming!

- Babe? - Yeah.

- Hurry up. My mom's waiting. - Yeah.

- Where are your shoes? - Right here.

Okay, don't forget to light the candles.

- Oh, yeah. - Okay?

Yeah, I got you.

- All right. - Yeah.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ Future mother-in-law ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ To you ♪

- Noushi. - Nousha.

- Nousha. - Nousha.

We need to talk.

Yeah.

Uh, we...

I mean I think that...

You may not be the best fit for our Kamran, okay?

- Oh. - Are you breaking up with me?

Is your mother breaking up with me?

We want the ring back.

Ohh...

Give it back.

Give it back.

These people are fake.

I love you.

She is freak.

Such a freak.

Come along.

Come on, come on. Do you feel that burn?

Four, three.

Spooky girl in the back,

why you goin' so slow?

This isn't a yoga class. Move those legs!

Who loves mommy? Does Lulu love mommy?

What'd you say?

Did you just say Dartmouth?

She's a genius.

I can already tell by her speech pattern.

Personally, I'm relieved that it's all over.

How did I let it get that far? Did I even love him?

No.

You sabotaged the entire thing.

You were dickmatized.

Explain yourself. Come here.

You were in love with his dick.

You only talked about how great the sex was.

You never talked about anything

that you actually liked about him

or anything that you guys had in common.

Why did you guys not tell me sooner?

Oh, God. We didn't wanna interrupt your dickathalon.

Plus, Missy beloved him,

and you don't like to disappoint Missy.

I mean, nobody does.

She convinced me I was straight once.

Remember Michael?

Oh, my God. I was doing him for my mom.

And you liked it.

It's my fault.

Actually, it's your father's fault.

He let you be too American.

But it's not too late. We can fix this.

- Hello. - Oh, Ziba.

Hi, how are you?

Nousha, come.

Hi, Aunt Sousa.

Nousha, what happened to that rock on your finger?

They weren't good enough.

I heard they were filing for bankruptcy.

Mom!

He was impotent.

That's not true. It didn't work out.

Oh, don't worry, Aziza.

Don't worry. I have a son.

30 years old, and he likes older women.

I wanna show the picture. Look at that.

Look at the picture.

Here, here, look at that.

More, more.

Look at that one. Look at this one.

- Wow. - He's just like his father

in that department.

Look at that.

Look at that boy.

- Hi. - Hi.

Are you okay?

So sorry, Noush.

- Hi. - You okay?

Nousha, are you coming to the rally tomorrow night?

Yas.

- Yas? - Yes.

We need at least 100 people there to get some press.

Babe, I'll be there.

You better be.

- Yeah. - Hang in there, girl.

Lynne, does everybody know my business?

Yeah. RJ, are you coming to the rally tomorrow?

- Yeah. - Okay, good.

You shared it on all of our social media platforms, right?

It's been on Facebook,

and everybody has said they were coming.

- There's like 100 people. - I'll believe it when I see it.

Everyone's a Facebook activist.

When it comes to actually showing up,

they'd rather go to happy hour.

Happy hour is more fun than protesting sexual assault.

- Shut up, RJ. - Okay, okay, enough, enough.

Did you get all the declarations for the Jones' case?

Thank you.

I need your draft of the memo.

I'm 100% on it.

It's just that part of the research was unclear,

so I had to verify with co-counsel

and they're really slow to respond.

I don't care. Just figure it out today.

Actually, I was able to get clarification.

- I finished the draft. - Great.

I figured you had so much on your plate.

I don't need you to do my job. I was on it.

I heard you got dumped.

- Out of my office. - Please show up for the rally.

- Do not leave me hanging. - We're coming to your rally.

And just so you know, I'm available.

- No. - You sure?

I'll make sure you get a gold medal at this...

dickathalon.

Lynne?

What's up, sweetie?

Did you tell everybody my business?

I definitely did. See you at the rally.

I'm sorry, are you all still in my office?

I will think about it.

I can't sleep until you get married.

I can probably get you some Ambien.

I don't think you tried hard enough.

What if I didn't really like him, Mom?

You should try again.

You're running out of time, you know?

She's a lesbian.

Maybe you should stop hanging out with those girls.

Mom, get off my case, okay?

I need some time to find myself.

Oh, find yourself.

What do you mean, find yourself?

There you are, I found you. Now find a husband.

How has marriage even survived as an institution?

Our values have totally shifted.

There's been radical social upheaval,

gender equality, female empowerment.

I have arranged for you to go out

with Dr. Asad's son tomorrow.

- I can't tomorrow. - He has a PhD.

It's Lynne's protest tomorrow, Mom. I can't.

You go to protests all the time.

What's wrong with you?

Are you a communist?

All lesbians are communists.

Careful.

Aren't they?

Hey, hey, ho, ho!

Patriarchy has got to go!

Hey, hey, ho, ho!

Patriarchy has got to go!

I can't believe this turnout. I knew it.

I thought people cared more than this.

Everybody's at happy hour.

Here, just maybe this'll liven things up.

Hold this. I hold every...

- Oh, ho! - Yeah.

Way to challenge the male gays.

While I beat around that bush.

That is huge.

Hey, hey, ho, ho! Patriarchy has got to go!

Oh, my God, it's the Menstruals.

- Who are they? - This old male feminist group.

I read about them on Buzzfeed.

They like show up and protest.

They're performance artists, just doin' stuff like that.

Hi, guys. Mind if we join?

We would love that. How did you hear about this?

Are you kidding? We're all huge followers

of Pussies Against Patriarchy.

That's my page.

Oh, cool.

Hi, I'm Alex.

- I'm Lynne. - I'm Tessa.

I'm Nousha.

Hi, Nousha. I love your penis.

Thanks. Let's do this!

All right.

Hey, hey, ho, ho!

Patriarchy has got to go!

Hey, hey, ho, ho!

Patriarchy has got to go!

Hey, hey, ho, ho!

Patriarchy has got to go!

Hey, hey!

Patriarchy has got to go!

Hey, hey, ho, ho!

Patriarchy has got to go!

Hey, Nousha, wait up.

Hey, do you wanna come with us

to the anti-oligarchy rally downtown?

It'll be fun.

I can't, but thank you for the invite.

Okay, I got a great shot of you and your penis saved.

I could send it to you.

Yeah, sure. Here's my card.

There you go.

Oh, card. That's really '90s.

Great, yeah. Hit me up. Cool.

Okay, well, have fun.

- See ya. - Okay.

Bye.

She's here.

Oh, hi, Nousha. Look who came by for a visit.

- Hello. - Hi.

Hi.

Why don't you get some tea for our guests?

She's so cute.

Mom, can you come in here, please?

Excuse me.

Of course.

What?

Tell 'em to leave.

Oh, my God.

You're killing me.

Unfortunately, she's not feeling well.

So sorry.

Oh, hey there, Ms. Smiley.

That guy just texted me.

- Who? - The guy.

Oh, yeah, I saw your little moment with Menstrual white boy.

- Did you text him back? - No.

Ask him out.

I don't even know him.

- Let's stalk. - Yes.

Alex Talbot.

Talbot.

Okay.

Okay, according to his Facebook interest

he's a feminist, he's into conceptual art,

supporter of LGBT causes and even deejays.

- This guy's awesome. - But not husband material.

I'll never bring a guy like that home.

My parents would freak out.

Plus, look at his pictures. He's gay.

You don't know that. Just message him.

- No. - What is going on in here?

- No, no, no, no, no. - That's what's happening.

No!

Oh!

Are you texting him right now?

- I got you, girl. - What are you typing?

Ding! Looks like you got a date.

Back on the market.

I'm also still on the market, so...

Hmm? Did you say something?

Okay, tell me three things about you.

I grew up in Orange County, but my parents are from Iran.

You know, that super peaceful country in the Middle East.

- I've heard of it. - Mm-hmm.

And... I don't know.

Something fun.

- I don't know. - Okay, something like...

who's your favorite celebrity crush?

David Hasselhoff.

Just like that? Mine too.

Really?

What about you?

Okay, I'd never tell anyone this.

- Celine Dion. - You're joking.

Nope. She's smoking. Ever since I was 12 years old,

I see her, I hear her, I am rock hard.

Okay, that's super weird

because I do a killer Celine Dion impersonation.

- No. - Yes,

My mom was obsessed with her when I was growing up,

so I would imitate her to make my mom like me.

Okay, do it.

No way. That's like second date

or like way down the line later.

- Do it. - No way.

Do it.

Mm-mm, absolutely not.

Do it, do it, do it,

and I will give you all of my fries.

Every single one.

You are very lucky I like fries.

Do it.

Okay, but close your eyes.

♪ There were nights when the wind was so cold ♪

♪ That my body froze in bed ♪

♪ If I just listened to it ♪

♪ Right outside my window ♪

Oh, my God, that's shockingly good.

Your turn.

I can't even think. I'm so hard.

Three things, come on.

Okay, I am an artist,

I'm from California,

and...

my family is weird.

That's funny 'cause my family's actually totally normal.

Can I have a bite?

Yeah, sure.

Why didn't you just order one?

I was trying to be ladylike.

Come on.

It's so good.

That guy is totally checking you out.

Yeah, he's cute.

Oh!

You're gay.

No, I'm just not totally straight.

So you're bisexual.

If you're into labels.

But you're attracted to men.

I'm attracted to you.

You said I could have your fries.

Absolutely every single one.

So you can have this rabbit food.

All for me? I'm gonna eat your fries.

It's delicious.

It's a great neighborhood.

I like it.

How many more blocks?

Why do you wear heels like that? You cripple your feet.

Take them off.

And walk barefoot?

Yeah.

I'll get foot cancer.

Okay, piggyback.

- Really? - Hop on, yeah.

Okay.

- Only 10... - This is great.

Ten more blocks.

Is this where you work?

And sleep.

Okay, what do you think of this?

I'm not gonna lie to you. I don't know anything about art.

No, no, that's great. What would your gut say?

It looks like a kindergarten class project.

Okay, I really felt like it was made by an adult.

No. You know, I really think it was made by little hands.

I was going for postmodern irony.

- Oh, you're the kindergartner. - I'm the kindergartner.

What I meant to say is it looks like it was made by a genius.

- Genius. - Who is acutely in touch...

- With inner child. - With his inner child.

Yeah, it's cool. It's just my life's work.

- Come up here. - No, thanks.

You have to see this one from up here.

Can you just take a picture and then send it to me?

It's safe.

Come on.

Ooh! This does not feel stable.

It's as stable as my parents' marriage.

Great.

Come here. You see it?

Yeah.

Open your eyes.

I got you, I got you. You see it?

Okay, so the objects represent how thin and deflating

traditional notions of masculinity are,

and the sports themselves,

they show us the unnecessary aggression

with which man seeks to dominate everything that he does.

And then the baseball...

Thanks for making the first move.

You're welcome.

You're kinda taking advantage of me.

I don't even know your last name.

- It's Husseini. - Husseini?

Yeah, like Saddam Hussein.

Oh, that's hot. You're like a dictator.

Well, in high school,

they actually called me Saddam Hussein

because I had a unibrow.

That's so cruel.

You wanna know what they called me in high school?

Andy Warhol queer boy.

That's actually kinda accurate.

You know what? You are kinda like Saddam Hussein.

What time is it?

10:30.

See? She gives a whole new meaning to CP time.

I don't know what that is.

Colored people time.

I don't think I'm allowed to use that expression.

- Well! - There she is.

- How did it go? - Amazing, incredible.

He's the greatest person that's ever lived. I love him.

So it went well.

Yes, but...

Oh, already she's starting to pick him apart.

- He's just... - Not Persian. He's not Persian.

He's never gonna fit into my family.

He's this free-spirited artist who's funny and gentle

and sensitive and progressive,

and I'm from a family of fascists

who are gonna Mussolini him outta my life

if they ever meet him.

Whoa, girl, slow down.

You didn't tell him all that, did you?

Not exactly.

- He's also bisexual. - Huh.

It's not a big deal.

No. I mean Tessa's bi.

I used to get really jealous when men would look at her,

but then my therapist helped me realize

that I'm not replaceable.

- No, you're not. - I'm bi for David Beckham.

What?

I'm going to work.

You're so confusing.

- You don't look it. - "Gay for David Beckham."

Thank you.

Thank you.

So who's your favorite family member?

I don't really have one.

Come on, white man, you gotta love someone.

Steven, my dad's husband.

Oh.

- So your parents... - Are divorced.

- Huh. - And my dad met a great guy.

What was that like?

Pretty fucked up. How 'bout you?

- My grandma. - Okay.

- She's my whole world. - Aww.

My mom's gonna wanna drink a bottle of the best tequila

with you until you have to put her to bed.

That's amazing.

My mom's gonna wanna make you feel super inadequate

in everything that you do or will ever do.

She sounds great.

Fair warning, my family is kinda nuts.

My family's nuts too,

but in an entirely different way.

I mean, we had to stick together

to make it through war and immigration.

We're kinda like a tribe.

That's cool.

I've never felt like part of a tribe.

It can be stifling.

We can be a tribe.

I will happily stifle you.

I wanna be part of your tribe and be stifled.

What is it that you do exactly?

I'm a housing attorney.

I litigate for low-income tenants against big developers,

mostly hang out in this office or in conference rooms.

Hey, Alex, great to see you again.

We met at the rally.

- Hi. - Hey, I'm Doris.

Nice to meet you.

- Pleasure. - 'Sup!

Not much, bro.

These are my coworkers.

- Bye, guys. - Okay, bye.

- Okay. - Bye-bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Short and sweet. - Bye.

Bye.

Do you wanna go literally anywhere else?

- Sure, yeah. - Anywhere else.

This is as exciting as it gets.

Are you kidding? Your job's so cool.

Have I ever told you that I always wanted to be an actor?

- Actor? - Mm-hmm.

But my parents were immigrants, and I couldn't do that to them.

You know, you actually look amazing in this light.

Can we make out here?

Yes, but I don't want the judge to see it.

I laugh in the face of danger.

Your job's so much cooler than mine.

- You think so? - Yeah.

Pretty dead though.

It's a quiet night. Means we can play what we want.

So what's your signature dance move?

I can only dance to Persian music.

Eastern beats.

You got it. Floor's yours.

- No. - Come on.

- All right. - Go on.

First, you take your basket,

and you plant your seeds, okay?

- And then you take your hose... - My hose?

- And you water your seed. - Oh, I like that.

You water your seed. All about the heat.

And then you feed your seed to grow.

- That's sexy. - Feed your seed to grow.

And now your trees have bloomed,

and you must harvest the fruit, okay?

- Okay. - Thank you.

- Serious question. - Hmm.

Have you told your parents about me?

Why would I ever do that?

Because I told my parents about you.

- No, you haven't. - Yeah, I have.

What'd you tell 'em?

I told them I met this really rad girl.

Why haven't you told your mom about me?

Don't you talk to her like 21 times a day?

- Are you ashamed of me? - No.

You're ashamed of me.

- They're just... - Gimme that.

They're just really into our culture.

I have to ease them into this.

I made something for you.

- What? - Come see.

I'm way too high to walk right now.

Come on, take the chips.

Wow.

That is some romantic shit.

It's Saddam Hussein and Andy Warhol kissing.

I noticed.

- Hey. - Mm.

Let's move in together.

- Really? - Yeah.

- For real? - Yup.

It's not too soon?

No.

Let's do it.

But we can't live here.

Why?

Your bathroom's outside.

Would you feel oppressed if I asked you to do the dishes?

Yes, I would feel very oppressed.

Would you feel oppressed

if I asked you to take out the garbage?

Super-oppressive. Wouldn't be able to handle it.

Thought so.

What if I locked you up,

tied you to the bed and impregnated you?

That wouldn't be so bad. I can do that.

I love you.

I love you.

- Let's do it again. - We already did it twice.

Should I sing the song?

Yes.

Wig or no wig?

With the wig.

♪ Whispers in the morning ♪

- Oh, it's my mom. - Oh, okay.

- No, I have to get it. - No, stay down here.

I didn't answer the first. She'll freak out.

Are you kidding?

- Video? - Please hide, please.

Hide where?

Hi, Mom.

- Hello. - Hi.

- Can you see me? - Yup, I see you, Mom.

Good. Now, do you remember Fariba?

- Uh-huh. - Do you remember her son?

- Yeah, sure. - He has invited you to dinner.

What's that? Is that a naked man?

- Babe! - Oh, my God.

- Oh, did she see me? - Is he naked?

What's a naked man doing in your room?

At least now she knows.

Nousha! Nousha!

I'm so excited to finally meet your family.

Just don't say anything.

You know, like if they ask you something, eat.

- I have to reply. - No, you don't.

No, just put something in your mouth and chew.

You got this. We got this.

This is amazing.

Thank you so much for having me over.

Of course.

You're so welcome.

So far, so good.

Nousha tells us you're a musical engineer.

Did she?

Yeah, kinda.

Actually, I'm engineer too.

- Really? - Civil engineer.

Cool.

Did you go to Harvard?

Mother, not everyone goes to Harvard.

Oxford?

No, wait, LSE,

the London School of Economics.

Nope, none of the above.

Princeton?

You know, I'm sorry, I didn't go to Harvard,

and I'm not an engineer.

Um, I went to Goddard College in Vermont.

No?

Okay.

I'm an artist, and a I'm a deejay,

and I love your daughter very much.

In fact, the best part of my day

is waking up together.

Excuse me? Um...

What do you mean, waking up together?

You mean you are living together?

Mm.

So good.

I need some fresh air.

Can I talk to you for a second?

How could you not tell them anything about me?

I don't know. It never came up.

That's insane. How could you put me in that position?

I wanted to hold off putting you through this

for as long as possible.

- What do you mean? - Let me break it down for you.

First, my dad is going to get angry and brokenhearted,

and then my mom is going to try to pressure us to get married,

and when we say no, she's going to freak out

because I'm her only chance

at throwing a lavish Persian wedding

in front of all of her family and friends.

- Oh, Christ. - Look, just stay strong.

Okay? Don't give in.

- Drink your tea. - Drink my tea.

- Drink your tea. - Drink my tea.

- Drink your tea. - Drink my tea.

So you are living together?

Then you need to get married.

We wanna try just living together first.

If you want to live together, you have to first get married.

She's so right.

We need more time.

We're still getting to know each other.

If you really get to know each other,

you'll never get married. Never.

I knew your father for one day only.

You get to know each other after the wedding.

Wedding?

Yes, wedding.

That's how people marry. They have weddings.

We don't want to get married.

And even if we did, we don't want a wedding.

Why not?

No wedding, no marriage, no living together.

It's a package, you see?

What about if we registered as domestic partners?

What is a domestic partner?

It's an alternative for those who want

the protection and the benefits of a partnership,

but don't wanna enter into the institution of marriage.

Marriage is not an institution.

Marriage is marriage.

People marry to have baby.

- Babies. - Babies.

- That is so... - Oppressive.

Thank you.

Mamani, you're not gonna die.

- Oh, yes, I will. - She might.

Actually, Ziba, it's time for my shot.

Oh, of course.

I'm so sorry, Mamani. I'm coming.

Reza.

Alex.

Oh, yeah.

It's done.

I promise you, we're gonna keep it simple.

Something small in the backyard.

We can do it next month,

when your uncle visits from Iran.

- Next month? - Yes.

If they ever let him in this country,

he can only stay for 10 days.

Don't you wanna do it for Mamani?

She's been so sad since Baba died.

Mommy, Baba died 25 years ago.

- Alex. - Sir?

Don't you wanna marry my daughter?

Of course.

Done!

I'm calling everyone.

- Oh, my God! - Congratulations!

Welcome to the family, Alex.

Here's to the family.

Sweetheart, congratulations.

Oh, congratulations.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

What just happened?

I don't know.

You were supposed to just drink your tea.

They were so convincing.

Do I propose or do you?

It's so great that you're all here,

and we're all together.

It's really awesome.

We've heard so much about you guys.

I'm so happy to finally meet all of you.

No, we're the happy ones.

Your daughter is absolutely lovely.

I agree!

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Cheers.

What is that? That's lovely.

That's a poem

by the 14th century Persian poet, Hafez.

Greatest poet of all time.

It says...

"Long live love,

for I have not heard a more merrier word than love."

- That's beautiful. - It's beautiful.

I had a friend from Riyadh once,

and it's such a pity how complicated it is over there.

Oh, with all due respect, actually we are not from Riyadh.

We are from Tehran.

Oh, right.

And just so you know,

no region with oil will have peace.

And our stellar foreign policy doesn't help either.

Oh, well you're such a political expert, Steven,

that the next time you go to the Middle East...

and you may not come back because we know what they do

to people like you over there...

well, I wouldn't care so much.

Go, Team Talbot.

Mamani, could you pass the baklava?

Thank you so much.

How old was Alex when you divorced?

When we split, Alex was 16.

Oh.

And when did you get remarried to...

- Steven. - I'm Steven.

Not long after.

Right.

How soon after?

I mean, did you meet Steven and realized you were gay,

then get separated and get together with him and marry him,

or were you feeling unfulfilled with Maggie

and get separated and get to meet him

and then you realize you were gay?

Wow.

Mom, doesn't matter.

I'm just trying to understand how it all happens in general.

There was overlap.

But you knew.

I mean, as a woman, you must have known.

And also, were you friends with Steven

when your husband met him,

or you became friends afterwards?

Papa...

I was never his friend.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

I'll go.

Maggie?

I'm sorry.

My mom can be a little pushy.

They're just not used to all this.

It's not your fault.

It's everything. It's my life.

I never imagined I'd be single at my son's wedding.

Well, you're doing great.

I'm coming in.

Ohh...

I'm so alone.

No, you're not. You have us now.

I wasted my youth on a homosexual.

Yeah, but that was the past.

You still have your whole future ahead of you.

I'll never find true love.

You know what Hafez says:

"Love finds you when you least expect it."

How's it going out there?

Well, Ziba's getting Steven

the chandelier tour of the house,

and our fathers are debating whether or not sodomy is a sin.

Oh, God.

Well, little do they know we are already in hell.

- Hairbrush. - Check.

- Computer. - Check.

- Toothbrush. - Check.

What do you think?

Oh, I think that looks like ice cream.

- It's really bad, isn't it? - Yeah.

- When did she get that for you? - When I was 12.

- Oh, baby. - Please hold me.

I'll hold you.

All right, we gotta go. We gotta go.

Okay, so Uncle Saman is going to take my room.

I am going to be on the couch.

You are going to be in the guest room.

You need to hire help.

I don't need any help.

Why would I pay someone when I could do it myself?

I'm an engineer.

Dad?

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

Whatcha doin'?

I'm building a Persepolis fountain.

It is going to look exactly like the Persian ancient ruins.

580 BC, Cyrus the Great.

Oh, boy.

Your mother has invited half of Orange County.

I have a reputation.

Alex, could you kindly give me that, please?

- Yeah, sure. - Thanks.

Why is she so nervous?

It's gonna look good. I promise you.

Just imagine Persepolis, right?

Okay, we have four columns: two big ones, two shorter ones.

One big one over here, one soldier's guarding it.

Another big one over here, another soldier's guarding it.

And two shorter columns here and there.

And also you got two fountains:

one seven inch, one five inch,

each with their own engines, and then we light it up.

That's cool.

It's gonna look spectacular.

Thank you, Dad.

Now go see your uncle. I'm busy.

Good luck.

- Oh, okay. - Toodles.

This is my fiance Alex.

Oh, well, it's nice to meet you too.

No.

- What was that? - He said he's...

really happy to meet you.

Alex, congratulation. I hear you're a doctor.

He's actually, a...

- He's an artist. - Artist.

Yeah, he makes art out of balloons.

- Oh. - Yeah.

I didn't follow that.

He's really excited to meet your family, he said.

- I'm so excited. - Very excited.

- So excited. - Very excited.

- So excited. - So excited.

Really exciting.

Oh, look!

Bougainvilleas and pulmonarias.

Oh, for God's sake.

I used to plant those with Mom!

Would you please just butch it up a little bit?

- These are Muslims. - Oh!

- Here comes the wrecking ball. - Oh, come on.

- Where are you going? - I have to help her.

Oh, the drama queen makes an entrance.

Are you gonna be like this all weekend?

Why do you have to be such a problem person all the time?

You know what? Since you know so much about fruit,

why don't you help me pick 'em up?

Oh, zing, zing, zing!

- Hey! - Oh.

- We're in the back. - All right.

- We're not gonna help. - We're not gonna help.

Sweetheart, you come here.

You stand right here. Good, okay.

- Maggie. - Yes.

Come, come, please.

To the left. Bill, to the right.

- Here? - Let me see.

Perfect.

The groom will walk first,

presented by the mother and the father.

Actually, no.

Come here.

I really wanna walk down the aisle with Steven.

But Steven is not the mother.

No, but he is my husband.

It's gonna be complicated.

Then who will she walk with?

Does she even have to walk?

Well, if it were up to you, I'd be crawling.

- What a good idea. - You're not the mother.

Please, please! Guys, look.

How about the three of you walk together?

Then four of them together, walking down the aisle.

It's going to look ridiculous.

That's exactly what I want this to be.

There is no way my mother's gonna let Steven walk.

You have to talk to your father.

Why are you taking her side?

Steven might not even care.

My dad cares. You heard him.

It is 30 yards.

Make it happen.

Make it happen?

Why doesn't she walk with Saman, my brother?

Saman!

Saman.

Talbots, this is my little brother from Iran.

Oh, hey, I'm Bill. I'm Alex's dad.

Oh, hi, I'm Saman.

Oh, can I call you Sam?

Saman.

Saman.

Steven. I'm his husband.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

A visitor from the orient.

I'm Maggie Baker.

Hello, Maggie Baker.

I am Saman.

Perfect. So the two of you will walk together first,

and then Steven, Bill, Alex,

and then me and Reza and my daughter.

- Are you okay with this? - Absolutely. Compromise.

Shall we, Maggie Baker?

Yes, thank you, Saman.

- Thank you. - So what does Saman mean?

Saman means, "One who climbs the mountain for the life."

- I love that! - Yes.

This is the traditional part of the wedding.

How beautiful.

Kiss it.

Cool.

Am I Muslim now?

No.

Sort of.

- Can I have a Muslim name? - Sure.

What would you like your Muslim name to be?

Uh...

Mohammed?

Okay, sure.

Mohammed.

Well, that was interesting.

Are you serious?

I'm getting a Quran.

Hey, Saman.

Oh, hey, Maggie Baker.

I hope I didn't scare you.

Oh, no, no. I don't get scared.

I've killed men with my bare hands.

Ooh.

Well, I just came out to have another drink

before I hit the road, you know?

You don't drink, do you?

- Sure, I do. - You do?

On special occasions.

Well, I'd say this is pretty special.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, thank you.

Ooh, tequila.

So why have you not remarried?

I just didn't wanna make another mistake.

And you? Divorced?

Oh, no, no. I've never been married.

See, I have no gaydar. I just...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I just never found the right woman.

You're very funny.

Oh, uh...

Well, that's so sad.

Yeah, I have no one to go back to.

Well, then maybe you should stay here.

Oh.

Maybe I should.

Sorry.

- Okay. - Sorry about that.

Don't be sorry.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, my gosh.

Don't you kiss twice in your country?

- Oh, yes, yes, you're right. - It's like...

- And mwah. - Right, exactly.

Wow. That was very unexpected.

Like in America, we just don't even bother.

We just go straight to the main kiss.

Well, okay, then let's...

- Oh, wow. - Wow.

Maggie Baker.

- Can I have another? - Oh, sure.

Ziba.

Hi.

I think we both should relax a little bit.

No. Our entire family, all of our friends.

How am I supposed to relax? Half of Orange County is coming.

Don't stress so much.

It's gonna be all right. I'm here.

As it wasn't bad enough that she's marrying a poor artist.

Ziba.

How is he going to take care of her?

He has no job. How is he going to provide?

And that family? Oh, my God.

Too late. They were already living together.

At least she's finally getting married.

Let's go to bed.

What about the fountain? Did you fix it?

It's done. Almost done.

I'm an engineer.

Let's have a second honeymoon.

- First, take a shower. - Okay.

It'd be even better than our first one.

Paris, 1975.

Are you gonna leave me one day?

Why?

Do you think our families are too different?

No.

Is this all just an experiment to you?

Okay, I'm doing...

all of this...

because I love you.

I just don't know if you're taking it seriously.

- I mean Mohammed, really? - What? It's rad.

I just don't think you understand

how serious marriage is in my culture.

It is forever.

There is not one single divorce in my family.

Okay, I thought that I was gonna become part of the tribe,

and we'd be stifled and oppressed together.

Is that not what's happening?

We've only known each other for five months.

Six, actually.

We haven't even done the 36 questions.

I feel like we have done that.

Oh, my God, we don't know each other.

Like more than once.

What's my most treasured childhood memory?

- Spring break, senior year. - Wrong.

It's when I won the spelling bee in third grade.

- I did know that. - We don't know each other.

How are you gonna provide for our children?

What?

Okay, wait, where's this coming from?

Is this you, or is this Ziba?

10-4, 10-4. Alex, can you hear me? Over.

I promised your uncle I'd help fix these walkie-talkies

before the wedding, and they're still totally broken.

Come here.

Hey, hey, hey.

We're gonna be fine, okay?

Just 30 yards, right?

I love you.

Alex, 10-4. Where are you?

- I'll see you tomorrow. - Can you hear me?

Yeah.

See you tomorrow.

Babe...

Nousha, hold your breath.

- Ouch. - Ow!

Shh!

Hi, hi.

Thank you so much. I'm so happy to see you.

Miss Iran 1975, hello.

You look glamorous as always.

Oh, stop it. You know, it's still not too late for me

to find you two husbands.

Oh, that'll be great.

Wow, that would be fantastic.

Saman...

There you are, sweetheart. I can't even bend.

It has a jacket.

I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.

- No, no. - No, really.

There's all these people, all this fuss.

I look like it's my quinceanera.

I don't know. I don't know if I can do this.

Honey, it's gonna be fine.

I think you don't wanna talk about the things that you did,

but you're like an Iranian general,

and they can't talk about it.

Thank you, Maggie. You make me blush.

Let's start wedding now. Let's start wedding now!

Saman, take over and start wedding now!

What?

Cue the wedding song.

Huh, what?

Cue the wedding song!

Oh, yes, yes.

Music, music.

Okay.

They think that they'd have high tech in the CIA in Iran.

Oh, Nousha, it's time to go.

I can't, Dad. I need to talk to Alex.

Alex is over there. It's time to go, Nousha.

Dad, wait.

Just cold feet, honey.

Everyone gets it, even me.

I love her, she love me.

Will she make me happy,

or will she torture me every day?

Did I make her happy, or did I fall into great misery?

Would I be able to satisfy her list of demands?

Stop!

I have to stop and think.

You cannot stop, Nousha!

Dad, I'm not ready.

I don't know if I can do this, okay?

The wedding machine cannot be stopped.

Is everything okay? Nousha, are you okay?

I can't marry him.

She's okay, she's okay.

Reza, let's take her inside.

No, no, no!

The wedding machine cannot be stopped!

- The wedding must go on. - We go inside.

- One tea, she relax. - What do you mean, tea?

The groom is waiting! I spent a lot of money.

- I failed you! Don't stop! - Dad!

I don't want to end up like his mother!

Alex.

Nousha! Nousha!

Nousha.

Come on, open up.

I can literally see you moving.

We brought Lulu.

Look, she's here too.

- She wants to see you. - Yeah.

- There's a key under the pot. - Okay.

- Yup, look at this. - Okay.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no.

- No, no, no. - We are here to help you.

- I'm fine. - You're not fine.

I don't wanna talk.

We're taking you to our healer for sure.

- Why? I'm fine! - You look like afterbirth.

- You smell like caca pants. - Very, very, very, bad,

what we're looking at and smelling right now.

- I got it. - What is this?

Oh, my God, is that cheese?

You really just smell of diapers and cheese.

You smell like the inside of a person.

Okay, fine. I get it, I get it.

Good, good.

I can't believe I haven't heard from him.

He blocked me on Facebook.

No, he deleted his account.

What? He would never be such a social media whore.

What about Instagram?

Mm-mm.

What about Twitter?

- I mean... - What about Google Plus?

Really?

Can't believe he broke up with me.

Well, you did leave him at the altar

and turn into a phoenix.

I don't blame him.

Okay, come on, let's... No, no, no, no!

Let's get dressed, let's get dressed.

You don't know yet who you are or what you want.

I really want a cheeseburger right now.

I know that.

The emotional freedom technique

sends calm signals to your brain,

so follow me.

Even though I am heartbroken,

I fully love and accept myself.

So now you try it.

Even though...

I'm heartbroken,

I fully love and accept myself.

Even though I hurt the only man I've ever loved,

I fully love and accept myself.

Even though I'm probably gonna die alone,

I fully love and accept myself.

Even though I wanna crawl into a hole and die,

I love and accept...

Fully love and accept myself.

Fully love and accept myself.

Very good.

I feel better.

Wonderful.

Cash or check?

Cash only, please.

Okay.

Hello?

Why aren't you calling me back?

I was just about to call the police.

I was going to, Mom. I was just busy.

You're not getting any younger. You need to start dating again.

It's only been a few weeks, Mom.

Ali, Fariba's son, heard about the fireworks at the altar.

He wants to take you out.

Nousha, he just finished dental school too.

- Nousha? - Okay, Mom, yeah, set it up.

From what I hear, you're a little unconventional.

That's an understatement.

Yeah, and I heard you set off a bomb at your wedding.

I'm sorry. I should be more sensitive.

So what was it like?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Sure.

Nosy, I know.

Excuse me.

Can I have some more alcohol, please?

They're good, huh?

I looked the Yelp up.

It was like top three martinis in LA.

The other two were too far.

It's nice that you did your research.

'Course.

Thank you, Tony.

Do you make Persian food?

Chenje, ghormeh sabzi?

Umm...

I'm gonna take that as a no.

But cheers.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

- So you're a dentist? - Mm-hmm.

Okay.

- Great. - Great.

You're a really nice guy.

Thanks. So are you.

Thank you, but I'm not.

I'm never gonna be a good Persian wife,

or a good wife or a good person.

I think you're great.

You do?

Oh.

Unzip me.

- This isn't too fast for you? - No, no, just go for it.

All right.

Just...

You got it, you got it.

I'm goin' there, all right, okay.

Wow!

You know, I actually took this photo of her.

Yeah, my dream has always been to marry someone

as wonderful as my mom.

And you know, you remind me of her.

Do you mind zipping me back up?

Uh, okay.

Thank you so much.

You know, I actually have to go.

- No! - Yeah, I have court.

Tomorrow.

Bye.

Bye.

You were right about her.

I really wish you guys were here.

Yeah, we do too, but Lulu's not feeling well.

Sorry.

I'm just gonna drop off the toothbrush and then leave.

- Okay. - We just want you to know

that we don't think this is a good idea.

I know, but please just stay on the phone.

- We support you. - We support you.

All right, say bye, honey. Okay, bye.

Bye, we love you.

Love you.

No, wait!

You sound like you could use some good stuff.

Do you have like caffeine pills? I'm really tired.

I promise you'll feel great.

If everything goes south, will I remember tomorrow?

No.

I'll take two, please.

Excuse me, can you lift me up? I really need to see the deejay.

- All right. - Thank you.

There! Have your look.

Take over for a minute.

- Hi. - Hi.

Um, I brought your toothbrush.

Christ, Nousha, what are you doing here?

What, you don't call or text, and you blocked me on Facebook,

so how else was I supposed to bring your toothbrush?

You dumped me at the altar in front of everybody.

You broke my fucking heart.

I fucked up. I was scared. I was insecure.

There was too much pressure on me.

And no, I didn't mean what I said.

I'm ready now. I'm ready.

It's too late for me.

I love you.

No, you don't.

- Whoo! - Oh!

Hey, watch it, girl!

Nousha!

Mom?

How long has this been going on?

Almost since your wedding, or your breakup.

We were going to tell you,

but I guess we could tell them now.

Tell us what?

Sam and I are getting married.

Who's Sam?

Saman!

That Sam?

And I'm converting.

Can you rub my arm?

Mom, why are you here?

Oh, honey, no, we go dancing all the time.

We have been following you as DJ Mohammed.

I got married so early, and Sam was sent off to war.

We just never had a chance to be young.

Alex, it's never too late.

No. As Hafez says, "You must always stay close

to anything that makes you feel glad to be alive."

Or something like that, I think. Right?

You got it.

Okay, no, stop.

Could you please stop?

Stop.

Am I tripping?

I think so.

Even your Uncle Saman is getting married before you.

God, I'm so happy for you.

What happened to Ali?

I'm not doing another one of your arrangements.

You're not doing this to me again, Nousha.

How dare you drop a doctor.

He wasn't a doctor. He was a dentist.

Whatever. I just want you to be happy.

Well, you're making me miserable, so...

Nousha, your mother loves you.

She just doesn't know any better.

Child bride. She had no choice.

Yes, baby.

And if you're lesbian, that's okay too.

Hi.

Hey.

Keep your eyes on the board, okay?

Now I know why I was always too afraid to do this.

No, don't overthink it, Noush. Just trust.

Trust?

- Trust. - Trust.

Trust!

You have to learn how to be alone.

The quietness in your heart will give you the answers.

Is this one of the ones you put in your vagina?

How did you say bye to those eyes?

Well, it was a mutual agreement.

For me, it was something else. I don't wanna go there.

Sorry.

Wanna grab a cheeseburger together?

Just kidding.

I'm vegan now.

Namaste.

Did I do it right?

- No. - Oh.

Right? What?

I thought you might need this.

Thank you.

Bill's out there,

trying to teach Ziba how to use a BlackBerry.

He is not.

Oh, my gosh.

You know, I've never really given you enough credit.

He's not easy.

Girl...

We have a lot to talk about.

We do.

You look...

divine.

Thank you.

You ready, Mom?

Ohh! More than ready.

I love that man.

And besides, the sexual chemistry is off the charts.

- Mom... - I literally didn't even know

that I could bend like...

Okay, Mom, stop.

Alex...

I want you to be happy.

I am happy.

I think Hafez said

that love forgives and heals.

You look beautiful.

- See you out there. - Okay.

Thanks.

Uh-huh.

Like James Bond.

Tell me what's wrong.

I'm honestly so happy for you. It's okay.

You are not happy.

No, I'm not.

I really miss him.

I don't think he's ever gonna forgive me.

You know what's wrong with your generation?

You're too skeptical.

Always doubting everything.

So afraid of marriage.

It's this Internet.

Nousha, you don't know how to have faith.

You have to believe in things.

That's how life moves forward.

That's a God lecture.

1986, the Iran-Iraq War.

We are in the depths of hell.

The government was broke,

so we had limited arms and no supplies.

But my men, they marched on.

We took Najaf with just one tank and a handful of grenades.

But then we heard the airstrikes.

Chemical weapons.

It was Saddam.

He blasted my men.

Most of them died...

like that.

But I just lost a few ligaments.

How did I never know about that?

I also have a scar on my backside right here.

No, I don't need... I'm good, I'm good.

The point is, Nousha, that even in my darkest hour,

I still had faith.

I knew that one day there would be a light,

and that light...

is Maggie.

If you're constantly living in fear,

you won't let the light in.

As in love,

it's simple.

And you should never give up.

I'm gonna need your help with something.

Pigeon.

Thanks, Saman.

Of course, darling.

Hi.

Ready?

I am.

Actually, Alex, if you don't mind,

I would really like to walk your mother down the aisle.

Of course, Dad.

Thank you.

Um, you all got me here,

so you all are walking me down the aisle.

Hey, you too, Steven!

Get in here, you handsome bastard.

Quite a family.

You ready?

Right legs first.

I'm gonna leave you here. You're on your own.

Be amazing.

Thank you.

- Ready? - Yeah.

Thank you all for coming.

Love is not about keeping a score,

hesitation or fear.

Love is about sacrifice, understanding

and forgiveness.

As the great Persian poet says,

"And still after all this time,

the sun never says to the Earth,

'You owe me.'"

Look what happens with that kind of love.

It lights the whole sky.

Now may I ask the ladies join me for the Persian canopy.

Rings, please?

Thank you.

Maggie Baker...

do you accept Saman Amir Husseini

as your husband willingly,

without any reservation?

I sure do.

Saman Amir Husseini,

do you take Maggie Baker as your wife willingly,

without any reservation?

Heck yes.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Ha ha! Whoo!

Now let's party!

Mmm!

Yeah!

Whoo!

- That's so good. - Delicious.

Sweet like you.

You know, there are weirder things.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, plenty. - For sure.

Name one.

Oh, sorry.

I'll be right back, okay?

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please.

I just would like to say

that today has been the most wonderful day of my life.

Thank you.

And it is not only because I had the pleasure

of marrying this beautiful goddess

and the love of my life,

Maggie Baker-Husseini,

but also I would like to say

that we have today with us in the house

one of my favorite singers in the whole world.

Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome

Miss Celine Dion.

Oh, my God!

- My favorite! - There she is!

Celine, Celine, Celine!

Celine, thank you.

♪ I met you at a protest ♪

♪ I tried to keep my cool ♪

♪ A fire on our wedding day ♪

♪ When I fell in the pool ♪

♪ I'll be there in a heartbeat ♪

♪ Anytime that you call ♪

♪ I wanna be domestic partners now ♪

♪ Saddam and Andy Warhol ♪

♪ I wanted to tell you ♪

♪ But I was so filled with doubt ♪

♪ Fear got in the way ♪

♪ I am right here to say ♪

♪ That I'm ready now ♪

Wait.

Aren't we like cousins now?

More like second cousins, so it's still legal.