Original subtitles

How y'doin?

I'm Jimmy Falcone, a former mafia big-shot

and current suburban schnook,

living in witness protection in Canada.

It wasn't easy giving up the old life.

My family and me was used to livin' a certain way,

lookin' a certain way,

and mostly, talkin' a certain way.

...and so I say, ah-badda-boom-badda-bing!

And he goes what'sa matta with you? Stugatz!

People, come on!

The sooner you learn how to speak Canadian,

the sooner we can send you to your new home.

Wait a minute,

they don't have American cheese in Canada?

They do, but it's called "processed cheese".

Does it still taste like crap?

Yes. For the most part, yes.

There's no Cliffs notes up there?

How'm I gonna almost not fail my classes?

They're called Coles Notes, but I'd recommend studying harder.

You're cute.

Wait a minute.

They call a garbage disposal a garborator?

Yes.

That sounds... sexy.

How come they don't have Canadian bacon in Canada?

They call it back bacon.

What, from the back end of the pig?

Why don't they just call it ass-bacon?

That might go good with that progress cheese.

I got a question.

Do they call it a stick up or a hold up?

People! It's not that hard.

Bathrooms are called washrooms,

whole milk is called... wait, this can't be right -

It says here it's called...

...homo milk.

Hoh! What kind of sick country you taking us to?

And who exactly milks these homos?

But we had no choice

but to pick up this Godforsaken language before...

...they shipped us off to Vagina -

Regina!Saskatchewan,

where I'm still trying to learn my "A, B, Zeds."

But if you think just cause we live in the great white north

we're gonna drink homo milk...

fugget about it!

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ Made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss,

♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

Oh! Fugget about it!

I did it! I recreated the universe!

All those Friday nights spent honing my math skills

and letting my limbs atrophy have paid off.

Time to discover, once and for all,

the true nature of our world.

Oh my God, my shoes!

Stop! Your shoes aren't in there.

They're on your feet.

I know but this is where they sleep.

Besides, with no shoes in it,

what's so important about a stupid box?

Because inside this box

is an exact replica of all existence.

One glance and I will unravel the mysteries of creation,

and discover the true meaning of life.

Yeah, fine, whatever.

Just put it back in my room when you're done.

And now, the moment of truth.

Wheel over Stephen Hawking.

[whirring noise]

[loud bang]

Wow. This is amazing.

An endless, vast expanse of nothing.

I mean, I knew it would be that, but, but -

it's just so darn big.

I'm just a speck.

This planet's a speck.

I'm a speck on a speck on a speck...

[computer voice] At least you have legs.

A little pasta Bolognese, a nice Chianti,

some antipasti and... Badda-bing!

That raccoon's goin' down.

Why ya gotta waste a good meal?

Just strangle it.

Jimmy, get rid of that trap.

You know how Petey gets when we kill animals -

"humane" this and "do you have to slaughter them for fun" that.

Cook, the boy's gotta learn.

We're on top of the food chain

'cause we evolved over hundreds of years.

Before you say anything, kid,

I'm tellin' ya this vermin has it comin'.

Don't go eatin' my geraniums, buddy.

I'm a man and I kill things.

What do I care if one little raccoon dies

when the universe is endless,

human endeavor pointless, and life meaningless...

Awww...

...utterly meaningless.

Well, that was weird.

He didn't even make me feel guilty.

Which somehow makes me feel guilty.

I'll just have two peas

'cause I had a big glass of water for lunch.

Why? Food won't fill the void.

Petey, eat for Godsakes.

There are children starving right beside you.

So what?

We're all just mites of dust with no reason to live.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No reason to live?!

What about the fat pay-day of a trifecta?

That's worth living for.

A Fendi bag and store credit?

Scratching a real itchy body part?

And have you ever seen the tanned backside

of a hot Brazilian -

Gaaaaaah! Nut!

I was gonna say nut!

How 'bout your family?!

Aren't we worth living for,

and you better say yes or I'll kill you!

Promise?

May God have mercy on your soul Peter Frampton Falcone.

Nice try, but there is no God.

WHAT?

I've seen the universe, mother,

and it's a never-ending desert of nothing.

God has left the building.

[gasp]

Well, if he's leaving, I should be allowed to leave.

Do I have to finish my pea?

I know I just did. No, wait...

There we go.

Ah young Peter, taking a kick at the can

at the old kick the can game.

Brings back memories.

My father used to kick my can.

Now, don't forget to recycle this.

Why bother?

They're just a bunch of random molecules.

Ah, nihilism.

Existentialism's ugly cousin.

But I defend your rights to your beliefs,

so all I can say is...

Recycle or pay a fine!

For Canada, where everyday is earth day!

[sonic boom]

[knocks]Come in.

Cheech, can we talk?

I'm worried about Petey.

I don't know what's wrong with him.

And I don't know what's wrong with me

for suddenly caring what's wrong with him.

Jimmy, I tell ya this everytime you worry about the kid.

Get him drunk, get him laid.

He'll find the meaning of life.

I'm not sure that's good parenting, Cheech.

You remember your first time?

Sure. Her name was Sharon

and she had the body of a goddess.

She needed help changing a flat tire -- flat tire,

and then she pulled your pants off

and showed you the time of your life.

How did you know that?

'Cause she was a whore.

Not whore-slut, whore-prostitute.

What?

Your dad paid her, he told me all about it.

You was a tubby teenager who liked Broadway musicals.

He had to set you straight.

It's true.

I haven't listened to Miss Saigon since.

I can't believe this Cheech.

I mean I think about that day with Sharon a lot.

I mean, a lot!

Like just last night with Cookie.

And it's not just the sex,

but how I wooed her, how I won her.

It gave me the confidence to do so many other things.

Jeez, Jimmy, you're not gonna -

♪ Father, how could you betray me so? ♪

♪ Sharon, how could you not let me know? ♪

One more note and I swear to God

I'll put you out of your misery.

Oh Virgin Mary, I don't know what to do.

My dear, sweet little boy's

going to spend eternity in hellfire

because he doesn't believe in God.

If there's no God, who knocked me up?

Hey-o!I need your help.

He's my only son.

Don't tell me about sons.

Mine totally dissed me.

Chose his father over me.

'Course, his dad did have

that "dee-luxe apartment in the sky".

Please, Mary. Stay on topic.

And then he goes and gets himself caught up

with that apostle gang and literally throws his life away

and for what?

Uh, mankind?

Please, what they ever do for him?

I wanted him to go to Med school

but he wanted to be a carpenter.

He could of been Dr. Christ for Chrissake!

But no! He wanted to make chairs.

Oy! Such a disappointment.

Look Mary. About Petey...

You mean Peter?

He was no saint, lemme tell ya.

He made a pass at me at Jesus' bar mitzvah.

He had a thing for older women.

Not many people know this but I am the original MILF.

I'm talkin' about my boy Petey.

How do I get him to start believing in God again?

Alright, alright. Here's what you do.

Tell the kid to pray for something.

I'll call the ex, make it happen.

You'd do that for me?

Oh, thank you so much!

No problem.

I got nothing going today except lending my image

to a piece of toast in Newark then I'm wide open.

Come on everybody! Time for church!

Jesus Christ, Jimmy.

I been in Canada for six months.

I got nothing to confess.

As you know, I will not be joining you

to worship your tin god.

Fine by me.

Hey, if he don't gotta go, why do I gotta go?

We gotta get everybody out of the house.

Petey don't know it, but I hired him a girl

and she'll be here any minute.

But you were so upset that your father did it for you.

Yeah, but I got to thinkin' about it in the shower

and I came around.

Ah, church is for suckers.

No, it's fun.

I love going into the confessional

and making the priests blush.

I like going in and punching them in the bojangles,

but not every week.

Petey, I'm trying to accept

this whole not believing in God thing.

So does that mean you've cancelled the exorcism?

No, I already paid for the caterer.

Just do me a favor...

Pray one time.

If God doesn't answer, I'll never bother you again.

Indulge the woman who brought you into this world

so she doesn't have to take you out.

Psht.

Is she really so naive

as to think I can just get on my knees -

- put my hands together and say-

"I pray that a pretty girl shows up on my doorstep"

and it'll happen?

[doorbell]

Religion is nothing but one big band-aid

on the scab of life.

Hi.

My car broke down and my cellphone's dead.

Can I come in and use your phone?

I can't believe it.

God actually exists!

And he has the same taste as me.

Yeah, I don't mind waiting, Auto Club.

I'm at a really cute guy's house,

and his parents aren't home.

How could this be?

I was certain there was only nothingness and then...

she appears -

God has spoken.

The Auto Club will be here in an hour, exactly.

What should we do to kill the time?

This is amazing.

Can you hang on? I gotta give thanks.

Thanks.

I guess now it's my turn to show gratitude...

for letting me wait here.

Thanks again.

[thunder rumbling]

[dramatic music]

Tsk! Tsk!

NOOO! I can't. I must reject all sin!

Oooookay.

So what are we going to do for the next fifty-seven minutes?

Uh...

Buttocks! Triple-word score!

You have a very rich vocabulary.

I'm a big fan

of eighteenth-century erotic literature.

Brenda, you're amazing.

You're the most fascinating player I've ever seen.

I can't wait to see which exotic word

you'll put down next.

Oh.

I'm not finished.

Alright, "fellatio".

One, two, four, five, seven, eight, ten.

Double word score makes twenty.

And...[alarm beeps]

Well, that's it for me.

I thought you were waiting for the Auto Club.

They're taking too long.

I'll just drive it to the gas station.

Then why did you -Shhh.

Too many questions.

Well can I see you again?

Sure.

I can do five to six tomorrow

or a quickie at seven-forty-five.

I'll take both. Praise Jesus!

Hey kiddo. What's with the smile?

I thought life was a big pile'a junk.

It was the most amazing thing, Pop.

I prayed for a beautiful woman to show up at the door,

and then just like that, one did.

That's my boy.

And then what happened?

Isn't it obvious?

I found God.

I bet you did.

We played Scrabble, and talked, and talked,

and gazed into each other's eyes,

and talked some more, and then she left.

Petey, if you pray to God for a pony

and he sends you one, you gotta ride it.

You don't challenge it to a board game.

Pops, I've never felt this way about anyone.

This weekend I'm taking her to a church picnic,

and a scavenger hunt,

followed by a screening of Return of the King,

Director's Cut.

Thirteen hours of G-rated bliss!

Thirteen hours?

At a thousand bucks an hour, that's...

...[beep]!

I have distressing news, Jimmy.

Yesterday, I noticed a car parked outside your house.

I ran the plates, and, well...

it belongs to a known prostitute.

What, a prostitute's not allowed to park her car?

She knocked on your door.

A prostitute can't knock on a door?

And she went inside, with only Petey at home.

A prostitute can't solicit my son?

Okay, I'll give you that one.

Soliciting sex is illegal, Jimmy.

And that's against the rules.

Okay, McCool. Here's the thing.

Yes, I hired a girl for Petey but nothing happened.

Why would I believe that, Jimmy?

Have you met my son?I believe it.

For Canada, where the oldest profession is still logging!

[sonic boom]

Hey, where's Petey?

Praise the Virgin Mary.

He's been spending all his time at the church.

I don't know what kind of scam he's running,

but I swear to God I'm gonna muscle my way in.

You don't have to muscle your way into God's house, Gina.

His heart is always open to you.

What?

You just look like one of those people

who don't use electricity.

I've found a higher calling and it's called the Lord's work.

That's my son.

Now let us say grace.

Everyone, join hands.

Cookie, switch seats with me.

I don't wanna hold hands with a boy.

Dear Lord, God in heaven, saviour of all men -

except men who love men -

please pour your golden love upon us.

Ew.

Cleanse my family of all unrighteousness.

I know that's asking a lot

seeing as my sister puts out for anyone with two hands,

my uncle's a degenerate

and I'm pretty sure my mother

used to pole dance for loose change.

What the hell, Petey?

Okay, my turn.

God, please forgive my son

for breaking the fifth commandment

and not honoring his mother

and for being a massive douche bag.

Amen.

Sticks and stones, mother.

Which is what we should be hurling at Theresa

for parading herself around like a modern day Jezebel.

Who's Jezebel? She sounds fat.

Look kid, you need to learn

how this whole religion thing works.

I'm very curious to hear what you can teach me about piety.

We'll talk about pie-eating later.

When it comes to being a Roman-Catholic from New York

these are the rules:

every day but Sunday you do whatever you want.

And don't disrespect your mother.

Ow! Why'd you hit me?

Haven't you read your Bible? An eye for a tooth.

So stop telling God I'm a slut!

Why'd you hit me?What?

I thought it was a thing.

There's only one person who truly understands me...

Brenda, come here to me!

Whoa! Here?

Yes! I can't wait any longer.

It's your dime.

Let us pray!

[organ music playing]

[screams]

God be with you, my sweet.

Yeah, whatever, back at ya.

Hey! How was the date?

Magical. We baptized three Jews today.

Granted they were tied up, but still...

Anything yet?

He won't touch me. I tried everything.

Showing him my lower-back tattoo at benediction,

eating a banana during morning mass,

and sexting him photos of my bing-bing

during the tenth station of the cross.

He thought it was a painting of Noah on the Ark.

I'm so ashamed.

Don't be. Or do be.

Honestly, I don't give a [bleep].

Aw man, I forgot to get her to stamp my card.

Petey, can I talk to ya?

I'm busy, Pop.

I'm making Brenda a diorama of the Rapture.

Look, that's us ascending to heaven

while the rest of the planet burns in hellfire..

Look, son, I gotta tell ya something.

I did this thing for you, maybe I shouldn't have,

but my dad did it for me, I was just trying to help.

Jesus will see your good intentions,

even if no living human does.

Well, Brenda's not really who you think she is.

She's, she's a college student I "hired" to,

you know, show you a good time.

What do you mean hired? That's ridiculous.

She loves me.

Does she ever ask if you're a cop?

Every day.

And I ask her if she's a cute little bunny.

Are your dates in one-hour increments?

So she's a fan of time management.

What does that prove?

Do lots of men recognize her on the street?

She comes from a big family

with a lot of uncles who like to spank her!

So what?She's a prostitute.

What? We haven't even kissed.

That's kind of their thing.

Damn you!

Why do you try to ruin everything for me?

Why can't you just let me have a happy ending?

That's exactly what I was paying for!

This might not be the best time to tell him

I used his college fund.

I don't care what he says.

Brenda is not a prostitute. I refuse to believe it.

[laughter]

That doesn't prove anything.

I will let you pay me for sex.

Aw [bleep].

Daddy, can I have a sit down?

Sure princess, what's troubling ya?

Well, hypothetically speaking,

if you were shakin' down someone and a cop got wise

and started shakin' you down, what would you do?

Ah, Gina.

We went over this in kindergarten.

Always pay off the cops first.

You'd give him what he wanted?

Sure, payin' off a cop ain't a crime.

Well it is, but you know what I mean.

It's the cost of doin' business.

But I can't give this little rat-nosed goobanz what he wants!

He wants everything.

It'll cost me a fortune!

Hypothetically speaking.

Aw, my little angel, in a situation like that

you got no choice but to hit him where it hurts.

His kneecaps! I knew it.

Aw, kneecaps...

you're so adorable.

These little kneecaps? These little kneecaps?

Daddy! Stop! Stop!

Stop.

Gina, I gotta talk to Dad alone.

Sure.

Just remember what I told ya'.

Petey! What's the good word?

Well Pop, I want to say that I forgive you.

I know that you were just trying to help me

by hiring Brenda.

Thanks, and I'm sorry it didn't work out

with your little hooker girlfriend.

Says who?

I hate the sin but I'm still in love with the sinner.

I'm gonna save Brenda!

But keep it under an hour!

...and when Chaucer said "ahoy"

did he really mean "ahoy"?

Brendaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Excuse me? What are you doing-

Brendaaaaaaaa!

You don't have to sell your body for sex!

I'll take care of you.

Brendaaaaaaa!

Young man, there's no Brenda here.

Yes there is. She's right there.

Six, no seven rows up, four no, five seats to the left.

The prostitute.

You know, Brenda, raise your hand.

What the hell are you doing here?

I'm here to save you.

I know the truth and I don't care.

Our relationship is stronger

than the strongest man on earth -

First of all, my name is Stella.

Second, you don't know [bleep] about [bleep].

Our "relationship" was just business.

You think I like spending my free time in a church?

I'm a hooker for God's sake.

Stella, what are you saying?

We spent all that time together.

Are you trying to tell me it was for nothing?

No, it was for a thousand bucks an hour.

Standing here talking to you is for nothing.

[clears throat]

Excuse me, but may I use the -

[Bleep] off.

[loud crying]

You okay, kiddo?

Don't bother trying to cheer me up.

It'll never happen.

First science let me down, now religion.

There are no answers.

Life sucks.

You know, I remember when I was fifteen.

Man, I was awkward.

Overweight. Pimples.

Four fingers on each hand.

But life got better and it will for you.

How can you be so sure?

This is your time, the age of the nerd.

And who's a bigger nerd than you?

No one, that's who.

One day you'll invent some cool computer doohickey

and before you know it you'll be knee-deep in Asian chicks.

Really?Would I lie to you?

You just spent the past week lying to me.

[chuckles] Nothing gets by my boy!

You know, I have been working on

a new memory enhancement chip.

I'm up to a sixty percent increase in recall

with only a twenty percent chance of death!

Count me in!

I'll be your first customer.

And you know who that'd be good for?

What's-his-face. You know who I mean.

The guy with the thing we met in the place...

This is kind of a happy ending, huh Pop?

No!

You don't get the concept of a happy ending at all!