Original subtitles

How y'doin'?

I used to be Jimmy Falcone,

a big shot in a New York crime family.

Now I'm in witness protection in Canada.

But I'll never forget that day

I was forced to leave

the only home I've ever known...

Cookie, kids, get your butts in gear.

Let's get this vacation started!

Canada awaits!

Daddy, just because we're going over-seas

doesn't make this a vacation.

I ain't denying it,

I was in denial.

I couldn't face the fact

that I was leaving everyone I ever loved,

and taking my wife and kids with me.

Isn't this fun?

A family road trip.

Who's up for another round of 'window uppy-downy'?

Up... down...

uuuup... doowwwnnn.

Woah.

He always knows what it's gonna do.

Alright, you'll be under RCMP protection

from here on.

Off you go.

It's cold.

[horse whinnies]Welcome to Canada. Bienvenue.

Come along.

I have blankets and whiskey for all of you.

This will warm your cockles.

If it's gonna warm my cockles, I'll need a bigger blanket.

I'm Special Agent Strait McCool.

My mission is to help you assimilate,

keep a low profile

and ensure you don't violate our nation's laws.

I'm sorry, violate what?

[snickers]

What a spirited group.

I loved this assignment the minute I was given it.

Let the protection begin.

Hop in.

You gotta be [bleep] me.

And then they took us to this crazy place called Vagina -

Regina -Saskatchewan.

But if any of youse are thinking

about a vacation up here...

Fugget about it!

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'bout a friend or ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss,

♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

Oh! Fugget about it!

TV NEWSCASTER: ...and in New York City,

home of the Jews,

the body of mobster Paul Vincenzo

was pulled from the Hudson River.

Foul play is suspected.

Hey look! Pauly the Target got whacked!

I can't believe it, he was always so careful.

I wonder who did it.

I'm guessing Vinny Aprille did it.

The Hudson's always been his go-to.

Naw, look at the bruises on his face.

Musta been Benny the Bruiser.

My money's on Timmy Sissy Bum.

That guy'll [bleep] you up.

Two ones? Holy craps!

Snake eyes.

It was my cousin Sammy!

That's the worst nick-name ever.

No, it's my cousin - comma - Sammy.

Comma Sammy? That's even worse!

Your nephew, nimrod. Snake Eyes Sammy.

The guy's in trouble.

If we can figure out he did it,

so can Pauly's crew,

which means he's about to get whacked.

I gotta save him.

Ah, he's always about to get whacked.

He's a good boy.

You know, I still can't believe

you stole Cookie from him.

Whoa, I didn't steal no one.

He was sent to juvie

and Cookie needed a shoulder to cry on.

All I did was show up with a hankie,

and a salami.

You was so sweet, ya big lug.

You repo'd my heart.

And you stole mine.

And then I stole you that necklace.

...So I hereby announce my candidacy

for Student Council President!

What's your platform?

My platform?

Thanks for asking, concerned student.

If you elect me

I will ban all corporate sponsorship

from school grounds.

Let's send the message

that young minds are not for sale!

Who's with me?

[crickets chirping]

That was painful to watch.

What I have to say is important.

I just can't get anyone to listen.

Oh little brother, you're so lame.

The key to drawing a crowd isn't what you say,

it's what you show.

[wolf whistle]

Thanks for coming to my brother's president-thingie.

We love you![crowd cheering]

And I have loved a ton of you.

So, I want you all to vote for my brother

on the day you're supposed to vote,

whenever that is.

The issues. Tell them the issues.

First off...

More corporate sponsorship.

[loud cheering]

It's "no" more corporate sponsorship.

It's just one word. It doesn't matter.

More bullying!

[loud cheering]

It's "no" more bullying.

You have to add the word "no".

Okay!

No more funding for music and the arts!

[chanting] THERESA FOR PRESIDENT!

[horse whinnies]

I got your message, Jimmy.

How can I be of assistance?

I got a problem.

My cousin Snake Eyes Sammy whacked Pauly the Target.

That's a serious accusation.

I meant it as a compliment.

But trust me, it was Sammy.

He left his dice that always come up "ones."

All us wise guys have calling cards:

my dad left an Italian sausage;

Cheech left a cocktail onion;

my calling card was a calling card.

I figured I'd give the grieving family some minutes.

I get that.

Horse also likes to leave a calling card.

Hey, same as Johnny Branflakes.

You gotta get Sammy outta there.

When Pauly's guys track him down,

they'll torture him to rat me out!

How could Sammy know where you are?

I texted him.

Mom, you have to talk Theresa out of running.

She's just going to embarrass herself.

Petey, I think it's great

that your sister's finally realized

there's more to life than binging, purging and shopping.

Are you sure you're not a little threatened by her chances?

Are you kidding?

I'm totally threatened by her chances.

That's why you gotta get her out of this.

Petey, I'm not going to choose

one of my children over the other.

I love you all equally.

You'll just have to make the best of it.

[doorbell rings]

Don't say I never do you any favors.

I never say you don't do me any favors.

Your whole job is doing me favors.

I know, I just wanted a good entrance line.

Hey Cuz, Guess who?

Sammy! Hoh!Jimmy!

Hey everyone! Sammy's here!

I'll leave you two to your embrace.

But remember Jimmy, you vouched for him

so you're responsible for him.

Hey, how you doing? Good to see you.

Look at you.Cousin Sammy.

How was the trip, cuz?A breeze.

Canadian cops are so freakin' friendly.

Which reminds me,

I got presents for all of youse.

Cheech, you son-of-a-gun.

Petey, youse gettin' so big.

Theresa -- holy moly!

You must be the little squirt.

And Cookie,

I'm sorry I dropped your present in the squad car,

but may I say, you look like a million.

You're so full of it.

Keep it comin'. [snickers]

Wait a sec, [sniffs]

is that Pasta al Fagioli I'm smellin'?

Your favorite.

Welcome to Regina.

A stun gun!

Just what I always wanted!

I'm a huge fan of your work, Cousin Snake Eyes.

I can't wait to learn from the master.

[electrical buzzing]Aaaargh!

I'm all yours, kiddo,

as soon as I'm done catching up with the real master.

I am humbled to be in your presence.

Really?

I thought the folks back home

would be mad about how I ratted everybody out.

Ah, forget the ratting, concentrate on the killing.

You whacked Don Gambini for chrissakes.

You're a legend.

A legend? Really?

You kidding me?

Your nickname back home is

"The Guy Who Whacked Don Gambini".

Now that's a nickname.

So much better than that "Cousin Comma" guy.

"The Guy Who Whacked Don Gambini".

It's got a nice ring to it.

Wait, you saying I can go back home

and they won't whack me?

Oh, they'll still whack you, but with respect.

Aw that's so nice of em'.

But Sammy, I ain't like I used to be.

I keep a low profile.

Stay out of trouble.

And now, you gotta too. Sit down.

Lemme explain how life here works...

[electrical buzzing]AHH! Gina!

If you're gonna have a stun gun,

you gotta use it responsible.

Gimme that thing.

First off, you gotta -- Jesus!

What's wrong with this --

They used to have a safe -- Take it!

Just take it!

Cookie, I'm sorry I dropped your present

in the squad car.

I feel terrible.

But you look great.

I had to give you something.

So Here.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Wait a minute.

Isn't this the same necklace you gave Theresa?

No.

Mom, I can't find my new necklace!

Maybe.[snickers]

Sammy, you haven't changed one bit.

Neither have you, Cookie.

You haven't aged a day since high school.

Yeah, those were good times.

Remember the time we made out in the confession booth,

and confessed in real time?

How could I forget?

It was like, "Oh God. Hail Mary.

Oh God. Hail Mary."

[laughing]

And remember that time at junior prom

when we kissed on the dance-floor

and the principal separated us so you gave him a wedgie?

It was my very first kiss.

And my very first wedgie.

Sammy! Get out here!

What're you drinking?

So that just happened.

Hail Mary, full of grace.

The Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou amongst women,

and blessed is the fruit of thy womb.

Will you quit talking about my womb.

Jesus Christ! You talk!

It's not that big a deal. You got a light?

I -- I can't believe it.

Yeah, I know it's bad for me. I'm trying to cut down.

I tried the patch. That works for [bleep].

Alright, let's get down to business.

Your ex kissed you

and now you're feeling ashamed and conflicted.

You know exactly what's going on in my heart.

You're truly miraculous.

You do know I'm a figment of your imagination, right?

You're too modest.

Whatever.

These feelings you have are completely normal.

You fell for Jimmy 'cause he was a bad boy,

but he ain't no more.

Enter Sammy.

And these feelings won't go away

unless you do something about 'em.

You think I should tell Jimmy?

Hell, no!

Do you know how Joseph was when I had someone else's kid?

Mopin' and whinin' all the time.

He wouldn't let it go, always askin',

"Who was bigger, Mary? Who was bigger?"

Who needs that tzuris?

So what are you telling me?

Get it out of your system.

Have some fun with the guy.

[gasp] You mean commit adultery?

I could never do that.

Technically you already have.

No, I haven't.

When Jimmy gives it to you,

you think about Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Carrot Top --

I don't know what's that about --

the point is it's a slippery slope.

No, there's a big difference

between thinking about someone and doing him.

I cannot believe the Virgin Mary

is telling me to have sex with another man.

You're gonna burn in hell anyway

so what're you waiting for?

These commandments aren't gonna break themselves.

I figured I'd give you a tour,

get you used to your new home.

After that meal, a walk's just what I need.

Ain't nothing like that woman's cooking, huh?

She's a real keeper.

Yeah, Cookie's the best.

So, you guys happy?

Yeah, sure.

"For real" happy or "I'm just sayin' that

'cause I'm a married guy

and I'm dead inside" happy?

Closer to the first one.

On a scale of one to ten --

Sammy, what are you getting at?

Whoa!

This is the Little Italy in this town?

Ain't it great?

Sometimes we just come here and hang out for hours.

How's the food?You kidding me?

The place is run by a Chinaman.

It won't happen overnight, but you'll adjust.

See? Look at them.

That used to be us.

You are mis-rememberin'.

We used to sneak up behind wimps like that

and take their money.

Then we'd force 'em to tell us where they lived

and hold up their parents.

Sammy, cut it out!

Listen, going straight ain't bad.

Especially in a city

where there's, like, zero crime.

Exactly, it's a freaking gold mine!

We're gonna clean up here!

No.

Look, I pulled a lot of strings

to get you into witness protection -

well, one.

I only got one string, but I pulled it.

So we can't live the old life.

Now c'mon, let's go to Little Italy

and get an egg roll.

This is where I work.

It's a good job, a great job.

I love this job, proud of this job.

You believe me?

Jimmy, this is my bad,

I was probably unclear when I explained it.

Our policy is that staples

must be lined up vertically,

not horizontally.

That's it!

Do you have any idea who this man is?Ow! Ow! Ow!

So anyway Toby, I was wondering

if you could give my cousin a job.

...You'll just wind up making a fool of yourself.

It's not like this is something

you even care about.

You're the one who'll make a fool of herself.

You don't even have a platform!

Hell-lo?

No, a platform is issues.

A president should know this.

You don't have any issues...

well actually you have lots of issues,

but nothing to run on.

Politics is a bitch, bitch.

"Issues I'm, Like, Running On".

[cheering][chanting] THERESA FOR PRESIDENT!

If you elect me your school president...

you will get to look at me all the time!

[cheering]

And girls, if you don't vote for me...

I will so screw you over.

[cheering]

Thank you for seeing me, Jimmy.

I didn't know I had a choice.

Well, you didn't, I was being polite.

Although I guess it was rude of me to say that,

and for that I'm sorry.

Uh... me too?

What's up?

The crime rate, Jimmy.

And I have no doubt that it's mostly due

to your cousin Sammy.

You can't prove nothin'.

Not yet, but it's just a matter of time.

If Sammy goes to jail and talks

we'll have to move you to Quebec,

and you have enough trouble with English.

Do you really want to live somewhere

where they speak French?

I'm torn.

I love their fries, toast and kissing,

but berets make my face look fat.

I'm not kidding around, Jimmy.

Get him in line, or else.

For Canada, with a per capita murder rate

only slightly worse than Denmark!

[sonic boom]

I just spoke to McCool.

You gotta help me with Sammy.What's wrong?

The guy's robbin' anything he can get his hands on

and he's going to ruin everything for us.

You're bein' too hard on him, Jimmy.

Ahh![electrical buzzing]

Let me see that?

It's so much fun, Ma!

Best toy I ever got.

So this is what a stun gun looks like.

Ahh! My stun gun!

[sobbing] My stun gun!

[sobbing] I hate you!

[sobbing]

So where was I? Oh yeah, Sammy.

You're being too hard on him.

He's a bad boy, like you used to be.

I think you're jealous.

Why would I be jealous?

Did I say you're jealous?

I meant Sammy naked.

I mean - how can I help?

I can't watch him all the time.

So when I'm at work and the kids are at school...

...you gotta keep an eye on his every move.

You gotta be on him like white on rice.

If he tries to get you off,

you dig in and hold on tight.

Where he goes, you go.

When he comes --Stop it!

What?I don't know.

Look, Jimmy, as long as we're on the subject of Sammy,

there's something I should maybe tell you.

Maybe I shouldn't, I don't know...

I wish I could have some kind of sign

telling me what to do -

Guess who just robbed a bank!

You idiot!

Now that's what I call a sign.

Do you know how much trouble you could get us into?

Jimmy, let him go!

Let's at least hear his side of the story!

Fine.Thank you, Cookie.

Okay. I staked out the bank.

I hit the bank. I made off with the loot.

Bada BING!Let me at him!

Jimmy, stop!

He's a reasonable man, just talk to him.

It took us awhile

to adjust to the rules when we got here.

He's your cousin for crying out loud.

Blood.

Hey everyone, I'd like you to meet my new doll.

Kill him.

And in second place, with twelve votes...

Jason Hitler.

[sobbing] Nein, nein, nein!

Don't worry mein Jason,

zer are better vays to seize power.

And your new president, with thirty-three votes...

...Peter McDougal!

What?

How could I not have won?

Theresa, you never registered yourself

as a candidate.

But Petey said he'd do that for me.

You didn't do that for me?

Politics is a bitch, bitch.

[sparse clapping]

Whoa! What was that for?

Jimmy saves your life, you do nothing

but ignore everything he tells you,

then you make a pass at his wife

and then you show up with some bimbo!

In my defense,

I made a pass at his wife and was turned down.

That's why I got a bimbo.

And what the hell did you kiss me for anyway?

It really bothered me.

Honestly, Cookie?

I been a wreck about it too.

I got caught up in the moment.

It was nostalgia, old times.

You looked good, you smelled nice...

Knock it off!

We may have to move 'cause of what you done.

And as crappy as this town is,

this is Canada, things can always get worse.

What are you thinking?

I don't know, Cookie.

I'm not thinking anything.

I don't plan things. They just happen.

I'm not smart like you and Jimmy and Cheech.

We're out of cheese.

Hoh! Where did all that come from?

Sammy robbed the First Vagina Credit Union.

He's always been a good boy.

No, it's terrible.

McCool's already onto him.

Sammy's gonna get arrested

and we'll all have to move to Quebec City, France.

I never liked that Sammy.

We gotta get them their money back

but without anyone knowing it was us who returned it.

We gotta somehow break into the bank

and make 'em take it back.

The ol' reverse heist.

"Nobody freeze!"

"Put your hands down and get up off the floor."

"Don't do what I say or you'll all get hurt."

Exactly.

Instead of outlaws, we'll be inlaws.

Hey, Jimmy, I been thinking...

I'm real sorry about all the trouble I caused.

I'll do anything to make it right,

just name it.

You're going to help Cheech and I return the money.

Did I hear you right?

You're gonna take perfectly good stolen money

and return it?

To a bank? Those crooks?

I never been so ashamed of this family.

Gina -

You broke my heart, father.

It's go time, boys.

Put on your masks.

Too bad the mask store was out of "Friends" masks.

I had my heart set on being Rachel.

Rock 'n' roll.

[Seinfeld music]

Everyone freeze! This ain't a robbery!

On the ground you mugs!Now!

Nobody be a hero.

Now what you're gonna do is you're gonna open the safe

and you're gonna put this money inside it.

Have you filled out a deposit slip?

It ain't a deposit!

Well, if you'd like to make an investment

you'll have to speak to Mr. Fielding,

but he's on vacation 'til Thursday.

I just want to give you this money!

I can't process anything without an account number.

Maybe this'll change your mind.

[screams]

Well?

I can't process anything without an account number.

This must be why the reverse heist never caught on.

Just take it, will ya!

[distant siren]

We got made! Dirty screws!

[loud gunfire]

What're you doin'?I dunno.

But, we gave the money back!

[loud gunfire]

Jimmy!

[loud gunfire]

Jimmy!

Jimmy!

WHAT?

Hi.

Ah, for [bleep] sake.

[loud gunfire]

[fire bell rings]

[gunshot]

Nooooooo!

Nooooooo!

Don't you die on me, Sammy.

Not now. Not here. Not like this.

Looks like the bastards got me.

Those bastards!

It was just a matter of time.

I lived a reckless life.

Took too many chances.

Plenty of unprotected sex.

Shhh. Don't talk.

Jimmy, I gotta get this off my chest.

When we was eight years old,

I swiped twenty bucks from my dad

and blamed it on you.

I know, it's okay.

And when we was fourteen,

and you got caught with all that weed?

I was the one who hid it in your locker.

Shhhh. Save your strength.

And when we was sixteen

and your sister got knocked up?

That was me.

You really oughta stop now.

All this was a long time ago.

And yesterday I made a pass at your wife.

Earlier today, too.

You should probably die now.

'Kay.

Ahh!

Sammy!