Original subtitles

How ya' doin'?

I used to be Jimmy Falcone,

a big shot in the Gambini crime syndicate.

But I ratted out my friends,

so my family and I had to go into witness protection.

The thing about witness protection is

you can't just start off being witnessly protected.

You gotta learn to be a whole other person

and that ain't easy.

So remember, you're no longer the Falcones,

you're the McDougals.

What's your name?

Jimmy Falcone.

No, your fake name.

Oh, my fake name is Tommy McDougal.

Don't say "my fake name".

I don't know your fake name.

We'll come back to you.

Now Debbie, would you please get me a glass of water?

Debbie.

Would you please get me a glass of water?

Gina, your new name is Debbie.

I know that, but get your own freakin' water.

Come on people. You're moving in two weeks.

One slip up and your cover will be blown.

When do I get my nose-job?

There is no nose-job.

Boob-job?No boob-job.

Hand-job?There are no jobs!

I thought you said I have to get a job.

Yes, you have to get a job, Tommy.

Who's Tommy?You're Tommy.

I killed a Tommy once. Nice guy.

Aaaarghh!

And that was when they decided

we should stick with our real first names...

and then they shipped us off to Vagina --

Regina --Saskatchewan.

But if any of you think changing our name

is gonna change the Falcones...

Fugget about it!

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'bout a friend or ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss,

♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

Oh! Fugget about it!

Thanks for picking me up, Cook.

No problem, but do you think tomorrow you could take the bus?

I gotta take the kids to the doctor.

You ever been on a bus?

They smell.

They're filled with derelicts and slobs

and people filled with disease.

Let the kids take the bus.

Oh my God! Jimmy, look!

Snakehammer!

They're playing tonight in Saskatoon.

You know they've always been my favorite band.

My sister and I never missed a single Snakehammer concert.

These guys do one show in ten years and where do they go?

Saskatoon. Saskatoon.

Everybody loves Saskatoon.

Oh my God! She's gonna be there!

My sister's gonna be in Saskatoon tonight!

♪ Snakehammer

♪ Grab it by the handle

♪ Snakehammer

♪ Put it in your toolbox!

I'm gonna break out my leather pants and my hammer halter,

and best of all, I'm gonna see Rosalie!

Jimmy, we're going to Saskatoon!

Like hell I am.

What are you talkin' about? I could see my sister.

This might be my only chance to ever see her again.

But baby, it's Saskatoon.

I'm a Vagina guy.

How could I go to work and look the other fellas in the eye?

They wouldn't know.

I'd know.

Fine! Don't do me any favors!

I'll go myself!

Then who'll make dinner?

Well, it wouldn't kill you to miss a meal ya fat f---!

Jimmy, Cookie, we'll have none of that public cussing.

Your outdoor arguments are bringing too much attention

and you risk exposing yourself.

I will if you will.

Oh, here she goes.

Don't take her seriously, McCool.

She's just trying to piss me off.

And it's working!

Will you two stop.

This kind of behavior is not Canadian.

We're a polite people who keep our true feelings bottled up.

If we must express ourselves

we do it with silent resentment,

glowering looks, and suppressed rage,

all the while maintaining a delicate balance

of denial and shame.

That's the Canadian way.

Do you think you can do that?

You take denial. I got shame.

Splendid. My work day is done.

Hoh! Is that a Cuban?

Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes smokin' illegal cigars.

Nothing illegal about it.

The Government of Canada

does not maintain antiquated foreign policies.

And our beer tastes better, too.

For Canada!

Proud to be shameful!

[sonic boom]

Hey Petey.

How 'bout a little "Grand Theft Auto"?

Gina, I'm studying.

I don't have time for a video game.

Who said anything about a video game?

You're so funny, Gina.

Funny? Funny how?

You mean the way I talk?

What's funny about it?

Funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you?

I make you laugh, I'm here to f---in' amuse you?

What do you mean funny?

How the f--- am I funny?

Yeah, like a clown.

Now that's funny.

You don't even know for sure

that your sister will be there!

I do know for sure,

and if you'd've taken the time to get to know my sister

you'd know she never misses a Snakehammer show,

but you didn't take the time to get to know my sister

because you didn't take the time to GET TO KNOW ME!

Because you don't pay attention!

I do so pay attention!

Cheech, you're not going to believe

what I found out about Canada.

You can legally buy Cubans here.

I know. I got a closet full of them.

MAMBO!

MAMBO!

MAMBO!

MAM--!

--BO!

Please, Senor, let us eat.

Wow. You can buy anything in Canada.

Me and Cheech are going to the cigar store.

Tell your mother we'll be back in twenty.

Hos... pi... tal.

Ah, this is the life.

Sure is.

Makes you wonder.

Why can't you get these in the States anyway?

Beats me.

Cuba has a lot to offer.

Cigars, baseball players, Gooding Jr.

I would like to go to Cuba one day, and say,

"Why did you make that gay boat movie?"

No, that was Leonardo DiCaprio.

I don't wanna argue politics with you.

Let's just enjoy our smokes.

Alright, bye everyone.

I'm off to see Aunt Rosalie.

See ya in the morning.

Hammer the snake!

Where's the car? Jimmy!

Petey, where's your father?

I like eggs.

We meet again, old friend.

Where the hell is he?

That stupid, selfish jackass.

[phone rings]I'm gonna kill him.

This is Jimmy.

I'm trapped inside my phone.

Ha, I'm just bustin' your balls.

I can't believe you!

You took the car when you knew how important this was to me!

I may miss my sister if you don't get home soon!

So you'd better call me

the second you get this you stupid selfish f---!

[laughing]

That was great, Jimmy.

Great smokes, great booze, great conversation.

We oughtta spend more time together.

Cheech, I'm with you all the time.

Wait. That was you?

Keep an eye open.

I gotta take a leak.

Hang on, I gotta go more.

Look, I don't want to get into

some kind of pissing contest with you.

Why?

Because I can pee farther?

Is that a challenge? You're on.

Okay, we'll call it a draw.

I'm going to kill him.

I am so gonna kill him.

No, no I'm going to almost kill him, then let him heal,

then I'll kill him.

No, then I'll almost kill him.

Cuba Gooding Junior was in...

"Boyz In the Hood" with Lawrence Fishburne

who was in "Apocalypse Now" with Dennis Hopper...

You inconsiderate child!

Cookie, please.

I'm in the middle of a game here.

You took the car!

My only chance to see my sister,

and you took the freakin' car!

Oh, man, the concert.

Cook, I'm sorry.

You're always sorry!

What good does that do me?

You never listen!

You only care about yourself!

No, I'm caring about you now. See?

Here I am standing and talking about caring.

If that ain't caring...

Stop it!

My sister's gone, the concert's over, and so are we!

You no longer live here!

Fine, I'll sleep in the car.

Where'd I put it?

Where am I gonna go? What am I gonna do?

How'd I get into this mess?

I've never seen her this angry before.

I mean, we've had some big fights but I've never had to

talk to myself for this long.

I wonder if that's the same RCMP Special Agent

Strait McCool that I know.

[O Canada plays]

Jimmy!

What are you doing here at this hour?

Cookie threw me out and it's my own damn fault.

I have nowhere to go.

Oh my goodness, come in.

You'll catch your death.

Wow.

This is the coolest place in the world.

It's like Caesar's Palace meets Old Yeller.

Precisely what I told my decorator, Jimmy.

Have a seat.

Thanks for letting me crash here.

My pleasure.

Now, let's go over the rules.

Rule number one, no feet on the table.

Rule number two, no smoking.

Rule number three, no littering.

No writing on foggy windows.

No usage of the word "irregardless".

Brush after every meal.

Lights out at ten fifty.

And no masturbating where I can hear it.

[O Canada plays]Cheese and whiskers,

it's like Toronto Union Station around here.

Jimmy, Cookie wanted me to give you a message.

I wanna make sure I get this right.

"And take your f---in' uncle with you!"

[doorbell]

What?

I'm sorry, Cook.

I screwed up.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

You deserve better, and I'll try harder.

I'm tired of your apologies, Jimmy.

This may have been the only chance

to ever see my sister again in my life.

I don't see how I'll ever be able to forgive you.

I can't even forgive myself, I'm such a jerk.

There you go. Me, me, me.

I'm a jerk, I'm an idiot, I'm an a--hole.

All you think about is yourself.

So go lead your selfish life without me!

[sigh]

What about my clothes?

And my piano?

And my safe?

And my anvil?

And my feather?

Ow!

...I'm telling you, I've never seen her like this.

This was beyond anger.

She didn't yell once. It was terrifying.

You know what, Jimmy? I got lady troubles too.

Mine is a real ball-buster.

Nothing I do is ever good enough.

And one of these days I'm just going to go up to her and say,

"I won't take this anymore, Mom."

You know what, kid? Today's your lucky day.

I got me a little cabin in the suburbs.

Come on by and we'll commisery.

Commisery loves company.

Shwa shwa shwa... women...

shwa shwa shwa slut...

shwa shwa... lonely.

There there, Shwa-shwa.

You know, me and Cheech, we got a little cabin...

You know, Premier, we got a little cabin.

... little cabin.

Shwa shwa!

SHWA!

... but Premier, I didn't even vote for you.

Then the joke's on me.

I didn't think you were old enough to vote.

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Be at peace.

If you can't enjoy how it goes down,

you'll never like how it comes back up.

Man, I never thought they'd all show up.

I was just being polite.

Hey, Jimmy.

Isn't that the guy you whacked

'cause he figured out who you were?

Hey yeah, I hate when they come back.

Hello Jimmy.

And you must be Uncle Cheech.

Wheatthin, hey.

Listen, I gotta ask you something.

I'm not sure how to put this but...

didn't I kill you?

Actually that was my robot double.

And I'm glad you "whacked" him

because I think he was trying to kill me.

What? You have robots?

Of course, Jimmy, I'm a master inventor.

I wouldn't be nearly as wealthy as I am if I didn't

have an army of robots working to undermine my competitors.

But I've said too much.

What? You have robots?

Oh, just the one, but you killed it.

Oooh dice... excuse me.

Come on, Jimmy. Let's go play.

Look, even the dead guy's having fun.

I'm not really in the party mood, Cheech.

I gotta get Cookie back.

I gotta think of something big, something huge,

something so grand there's no way she won't forgive me.

Like what?

I'm thinkin' an X-box.

Jimmy, I've been divorced six times.

I think I know a thing or two about marriage.

She threw you out. It's over.

Time to live a little.

I don't know...

Look, you can wallow and mope for months.

But let me tell you something, she ain't mopin'.

She's out there jumpin' up on tables,

shakin' her moneymaker, rubbin' her hoo-ha all over the bar,

and buying drinks for every guy who pinches her onion,

all on your dime.

That sounds like our wedding night!

Move over! The kid is back!

What in the Queen's name is going on?

Jimmy, what have you done?

It's not my fault.

It just sort of happened origamically.

Here, have a beer.

[crash]That one's on you.

That's it!

Jimmy, Cheech, you are no longer welcome here.

Everybody out!

Not so fast, Mountie.

Premier O'Shea?

Under the laws of eminent domain,

your cabin has been annexed

by the great province of Saskatchewan.

So sayeth the Premier.

But your Honour,

eminent domain can only be used in times of war.

Then I declare war on your lame ass, so piss off!

Thank you for hearing me out, sir.

Hey, McCool! Bring back some Cheetos!

Chin up in the face of adversity.

There are those worse off than you.

Stand tall and carry on.

And enough with the sad music.

Ah, Peter McDougal.

The only member of the family who's never let me down.

Caaa-caaaahhhhh.

I stand corrected.

Hey, Theresa. Wanna play Candyland?

Sorry, Gina.

But I stopped playing kids games once I got tits.

Ya sure? I changed it a little.

Oh, that's pretty good. You're funny.

Funny? Funny how?

And I would really think hard about your answer.

[doorbell]

Don't be alarmed, Cookie.

I found him with his tongue stuck to a lamppost.

He has a mild concussion and he's lost his mind.

Oh Petey.

Why didn't you tell me you lost your mind?

He'll be alright, thanks to me.

All he needs is a good night's rest.

Apologize.

I don't know how to thank you.

No need.

You're going through enough yourself.

I know all about you and Jimmy.

He's been staying at my house which I've been forced to leave.

That selfish blob of spit.

Tell me about it.

I gave him a whole list of rules but it never dawned on me

that I had to add "...and flush".

He's a pig. So where you staying?

I'm hoping to find a dead deer and sleep inside its carcass.

Is that as gross as it sounds?

You have no idea!

Then you have to stay here.

You wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for me.

Come on in, we'll make some more mess.

That wouldn't be appropriate.

I'm kidding. I insist.

You'll stay here tonight where it's safe and warm.

I suppose it's preferable to a dead deer carcass.

Alright, but on the condition that there's no hanky-panky.

How 'bout just panky? Oh, I'm kidding.

Is that my lipstick?

Who's funny now?

Did you use my lipstick to draw a picture

of some poor girl named "Thrsa"?

It's you dumbass.

Whatever.

I want that lipstick back, ya little squirt.

One more step and the lipstick gets it.

You wouldn't.

Try me.

No! No! She means it!

And you have a big ass!

That's it!

Give it back to me!

What's this about?

She stole my lipstick!

She wouldn't play with me and she called me funny

so I swiped it and made a hangman game

where I killed her and I told her she had a fat ass!

So you can't blame me.

You girls don't know how lucky you are to have a sibling.

I was an only child.

No one to play with but myself.

That came out wrong.

Theresa, put your things where Gina can't get them.

Gina, use your artistic talent to draw happy things,

like rainbows and unicorns.

Problem solved.

That was really impressive, McCool.

Jimmy would just let them fight and then make fun of the loser.

They're good girls, Cookie.

Not outwardly of course.

Is this better?

I'll take that as friendly sarcasm, Gina.

You are quite funny.

[grumbles]

[loud cheering]

Go Goldie! Bite him!

Jimmy!

You bet on the bear?

Does he s--- in the woods?

Jimmy, this is such a fantastic thing you shwa shwa.

To have this house and this party and shwa shwa shwa.

I don't know.

I've been trying to enjoy myself,

but the truth is I can't stop thinking about Cookie

and what I done.

Mais non!

What you do is a service for the whole community.

You are a mother-shwa-shwa genius.

To create all this

and then get rid of that shwa shwa Mountie.

And he moves in with your wife.

What? Son of a shwa!

I gotta do something to win my wife back and it's gotta be

even grander than an X-Box.

Somehow I gotta get Cookie together with her sister.

But how?

Jimmy, I can help you.

What could you do?

I'm a billionaire entrepreneur,

world renowned inventor, decorated scientist

and believe it or not, I'm a heterosexual man

who understands women.

Alright, let's get these two broads together.

You know it's a proven fact

that anything we can do they can do better.

They like to hear that.

[whistling]

Awwwww, little Gina...

[whistling]

Awwww, Theresa...

Don't look man, don't look!

Whoa! Cookie!

No wonder she wanted me to do the vacuuming.

[doorbell]

I'll get it.

McCool, I'm here to see Cookie

but I wanna say I'm sorry about the party and everything.

Thank you, Jimmy.

I hope you're not alarmed by my presence in your home

but I assure you nothing happened

that would cause me to be less than proud.

Uh...

So does that mean you did her or you did not do her?

God no!

Good. Then these are for you.

Why Jimmy, your apology was valiant enough.

You didn't need to buy me flowers.

I didn't.

We broke a vase in your living room

and I thought you'd want 'em.

Now get the hell out of my house.

Cookie?

Didn't I tell you to f--- off?

'Cause if I didn't I'd be more than happy to tell you again.

What are you smirking at?

Get ready to forgive me...

Over my dead --

Cookie!Rosalie!

Oh my God! It's really you!

I never thought I'd see you again!

You just disappeared!

One day you, Jimmy, the kids were just gone!

I can't believe you're really here!

I talk to you every day in my head.

That's because you've always had voices in your head,

you crazy bitch.

I missed you so much, you painted ho.

Jimmy, how did you make this happen?

I called in a favor.

Baby, I screwed up and I had to fix it for you.

'Cause I love ya'.

I love you too, ya big cheeseball.

I love you too, ya big cheeseball.

I'm sorry that was weird.

Weird. Cheeseball. Weird.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

It was a long flight.

I'm just a little tired. Tired. Tired.

What's going on?

Nothing.

It's just the excitement of seeing my sister.

Sister. Sister. Sister.

Sister. Sister.

[buzzing]

Must kill sister.

Oh my God! Jimmy! Cookie! Hit the dirt!

I hope I didn't use the nuclear battery.

Busted.

What the hell is going on?

That wasn't your sister. It was a robot.

Look, I'm sorry.

But there was no way I could get to Rosalie for real.

This was the only thing I could think of

to get you to stop hating me.

So would you mind going inside and tossing me my other piano

and I'll be on my way.

Jimmy, I never hated you.

And I never could.

How many men would go to the trouble

of building a nuclear-powered robot sister

for their wife?

Six?

One. And I got him.

And you're never gonna lose him.