Original subtitles

How ya doin'?

I'm Jimmy McDougal but I used to be Jimmy Falcone.

You probably read about me in the papers -

Mafia bigshot turned government stoolie.

What you don't know is,

despite all the bad stuff I done in my life,

the one thing I'm most ashamed of was ratting out my friends.

That, and the time I had to give my grandmother a bath.

He was so gentle. You mind?

Mr. Falcone, you told us your crimes.

Now please point to your accomplices.

How could I do it?

I loved these guys.

Sure, they was trying to kill me

but that's no reason to ruin a buddy's life.

Uh, what was the question again?

Enough stalling, Mr. Falcone.

Either you testify

and you and your family will receive protection,

or, you can all take your chances

on the street.

That's blackmail.

Arrest that man!

Final warning, Mr. Falcone.

Fine!

To keep my family safe, I'll do it.

Here goes. Ready?

I'm going to point now.

Yes, I am.

Can you feel the tension?

You could cut it with a knife.

Especially you, Tommy.

Have it your way, Mr. Falcone.

Perhaps your friends will give you a ride home.

Okay!

Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him.

Now get us to Arizona.

Uh, Mr. Falcone, it may be best

if you don't announce where we'll be hiding you.

Yeah. That was dumb.

Can't hide in Arizona now. How about Florida?

Oh my God.

New Mexico?

And that's how we came to be livin' here in Vagina -

Regina -Saskatchewan.

But if any of youse think a little cold weather's

gonna get us down...

Fugget about it!

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'bout a friend or ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss,

♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

Oh! Fugget about it!

Leave the sauce alone, Jimmy.'Kay.

Gina! Do your homework!

I already did it!

I want to check it!

Jimmy, leave the sauce alone.

'Kay.

It's not due 'til Thursday!

Today is Wednesday!

Not due 'til Friday!

Now you listen here, young lady...

Mom, can I have four hundred dollars?No.

When I say do your homework, you do your homework.

Not later, not after your show, but now!

Jimmy! The sauce!'Kay.

I already handed it in.

That's not fair. Why not?

Because I said so!

You did not hand it in!

And leave the sauce alone!

'Kay.

Mother, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar,

and it's always best to lead by example.

Observe.

Gina, I already did my homework

and now I'm doing it a second time.

Get outta town.

Honest.

Homework can be fun.

It can? For real?

I hope she wets on you.

Daddy, can I have four hundred dollars?

'Kay.

What the hell are you doing?

Are you giving her money? I just said no.

The kids always come to me after you say no.

Why do I have to be the bad guy?

Why can't you ever be the bad guy?

Cook, we met when I robbed your father's liquor store.

I'm always the bad guy.

And then we got drunk on the stolen Sambuca.

It was our first date.

[ laughs]

To this day I don't know why your father don't like me.

Alright Theresa, maybe I answered too quickly.

Why do you want the money?

Well, I was at the mall the other day

and I saw the cutest little cashmere dog.

I would look so adorable with its little fluffy head

peeking out of my little designer purse.

I'd bend over to give it a lil' kiss,

and everyone would look at me and just die.

Honest to God, Cook, it's like Chinese to me.

"3 x 10?"

Yes, that is boring.

But what if it asked...

"three of your friends owe you ten dollars each.

How much money are you owed in total?"

Thirty, thirty-four with the vig,

and I better have it by Friday.

You're right, this is fun!

Jimmy.

You know what I love most about Regina?

The excitement?

Yes, but more than that.

In addition to being the capital of Saskatchewan,

Regina is also the second largest city in the province -

after Saskatoon -

and Canada's eighteenth largest by population.

Its summer agricultural exhibition

was originally established in 1884

as the Assiniboia Agricultural Association...

[phone rings]

I got it!

I don't want it but it's somethin' to do so I got it!

Vagina Tourism.

You may need a bit more training.

Regina Tourism.

Why, yes.

Regina was named in 1882 after Queen Victoria,

i.e. Victoria Regina, by her daughter Princess Louise...

No, sir, that's Saskatoon, we're the second largest...

No, sir, that's Saskatoon also...

No! No! No! That's all Saskatoon!

Well, if you love Saskatoon so much

why don't you just marry it?

Unlike other planned cities in the Canadian West,

Regina had no topographical features

other than Wascana Creek.

Early planners took advantage of such opportunity...

...I tell ya, Cheech, I can't take this job no more.

All I do is sit around thinking of ways to off myself.

And I'm running out of ideas.

Whoa, whoa! Slow down.

Let's talk this through...

Have you considered explodin' yourself in a microwave

like I done to Eddie the Gimp?

I'm not actually trying to kill myself, Cheech.

I'm just a little down.

Hey, you seem a little down, Jimmy.

But I know what you need.

Yes sir, I know exactly what you need...

...a good ole fashioned strip joint.

Ah, a taste of the old life.

Great idea, Cheech.

Don't tell Cookie.

Wow, I feel good just saying that again.

"Don't tell Cookie."

Meow!

Okay, okay...

I haven't actually been in one,

but I been scoping them out.

Don't worry, I got others.

I can't find my foot.

What's the difference between a duck?

I don't know, what isthe difference between a duck?

I already told you I don't know, stop asking me.

There it is! I found my foot!

No, sorry, it's someone else's foot.

I don't even want to go inside.

I can't believe it.

A town called Vagina and not one strip club.

What's become of us, Jimmy?

It's times like this I'm glad I'm in witness protection

because if anyone back home knew I lived in a town

with no strip club I'd be so embarrassed

I'd hafta go into witness protection.

You can say that again.

Y'know, if some dumb schmuck with half a brain

opened a strip club in this town,

he could make some serious coin.

He'd make a freakin' fortune.

Hey!

We could be that dumb schmuck!

Cheech, we're gonna open a strip club!

Jimmy, you're a genius!

I woulda never thought of that.

A strip club, it's perfect for us,

it's our bed and butter.

I believe the expression is bed and breakfast.

So it's agreed.

Tomorrow we dig out the nest egg,

get our money from the old life,

find a place and start renovating.

This is a great idea.

It's a license to print money.

Every man in town will be there.

Oh my God!

We got a problem.

Is it peeing, Jimmy?

I got such a problem peeing.

No, the fed.

Our goody-two-shoes Mountie, our protector.

He'll never let us do this.

Then we don't tell him.

And just to be safe, we don't tell no one.

This club will be our little secret.

'Kay, you're definitely not in charge of marketing.

[horse neighing]

I got here as fast as I could, Jimmy.

What's the problem?

Because suproblem miproblem.

Okay, before you say no, hear me out.

Me and Cheech wanna open a strip club.

The town don't have one

so we're providing a public service.

And if it don't work, nobody gets hurt but us.

There's no law against it, Jimmy.

I think it's a splendid idea.

I will be there opening night to support you.

Horny bastard.

I beg your pardon?

That's what we're calling it -

The Horny Bastard.

So we can do this?

As long as you follow the provincial guidelines.

Bare breasts and bums permitted,

but no full frontal or related mons pubis

if alcohol is served.

Ladies may touch the man's face, arms, chest and inner thigh

but must remain a minimum five centimetres

from his genitalic region.

Men may not touch, fondle, grope or lick,

and must be kept at least three centimetres

from her breasts -

this to be measured from the tip of the nipple

and notthe areola or breast major.

There goes my boner.

I'm proud of you, Jimmy.

This is your first step towards becoming

a semi-respected member of the community,

and I trust you'll do well at it.

For Canada, and her public education system

ranked eleventh in the world!

Gina, eat your asparagus.I did.

No you didn't.I'm not hungry.

You go, girl!

Don't eat if you don't wanna.

That's how they make you fat.

Stick to your guns,

and you can grow up to be hot and anorexic like me.

I thought you were bulimic.Only when I'm hungry.

Thank you, Theresa. Gina, eat it.

I don't want to get fat.

Can I change the subject to me?

I've put a lot of thought into the cashmere dog

and I've come up with the perfect argument

for why you need to give me the money to buy it.

All right, what's your argument?

I'd look really, really, really cute.

Then get a job.

When your father and I were teenagers,

we worked for things we wanted.

I was sweeping up at the beauty parlor,

and your dad was already breaking legs

for Joey-the-Shark.

But it's a different world now.

We have internet and texting

and cell phones and automobiles.

The answer is no.

You just don't want me to look good

'cause you don't and I hate you!

So what else is new?

Gina, eat your asparagus.

Petey isn't eating his.

Ah ha.

Petey, eat your asparagus.

Mother, I'm allergic, remember?

No, you're not.

And don't you get it?

It's like the homework thing.

Gina looks up to you and she'll do what you do.

Okay.

Gina, asparagus is good for you.

I'm allergic.No, I'mallergic.

No one's allergic! Petey, eat it!

Fine!

Hey. This is pretty good.

[gasping]

Oh yeah. You areallergic.

...So we're lookin' for a manager,

someone to run the joint

because we don't want to do any actual work.

We just wanna be the owners, make all the money,

boss people around, and pay as little as we can.

We're like Walmart, but with naked ladies.

[giggling]

Next!

...Because I adore ladies, especially naked ones -

if you know what I mean -

and everyone knows only a straight man

would manage a place like this, which I am.

So straight it's scary.

First off, no nudity.

I'll work twenty-four hours a day, I don't care.

Come on Jimmy, I've run joints like this before.

Yeah, right into the ground.

Hoh! Cheech!

You're talking to my wife here!

I'm sorry Cook, but we checked your references...

If I waz ze manager of zis club,

I make sure dat ze girls are boot-ee-ful

but alzo have a zertain shwa shwa shwa...

...shwa shwa shwa shwa shwa.

And if we could find just one with a shwa shwa shwa

shwa shwa shwa shwa.

Muah!

I like him.

Me too.

Okay, mac, you're hired.

Who'da thought we'd wind up with the Puerto Rican guy?

No!It's just a haircut!

They're gonna put a sharp blade next to my head!

Fugget it!

You'll look adorable!

No!

What's going on?

Gina needs a haircut but she won't...

Noooo.

I told you you'd look adorable.

You know, a ride home would've been nice.

Heckuva job, Monsieur Shwa-shwa.

The joint looks great, and the girls you hired are gorgeous.

Well it iz a pleusure pour moi aussi,

Monsieur Mac-A-Doodie-Gull,

parce que I love very much to shwa shwa shwa...

...shwa shwa shwa shwa shwa shwa.

Who doesn't?

Jimmy. We got a problem.

Ah ah ah, that is a little too close.

Remember the three centimetre rule.

It's more than three centimetres.

I highly doubt that.

Three-point-eight, I stand corrected.

All right, bring it in a little.

Gentle circles.

No pinching.

I won't tell you again.

And you, inner thigh, inner.

What's so hard about that?

What's the big deal?

The girls won't break the rules, not with a fed.

No, no. It ain't that.

All our best girls just wanna dance for him,

and our customers are starting to complain.

I want to come home with you tonight, Special Agent.

No, take me.

No, me.

I could have this place shut down for just asking me that,

Dancer Number Three.

But I'll let it slide this time if you all promise

to never make such a request to a customer again.

ALL: We promise.

Of course, if you happen to

follow me home of your own accord,

and no money changes hands,

well then it's all just good, clean fun.

You know what?

I'm not gonna to worry about it tonight.

Tonight, we celebrate.

To the Horny Bastard!

The Horny Bastard!

Ze horny bastard! Shwa shwa.

ANNOUNCER: Thank you, Delila!

And now...

all the way from Paris, Ontario...

put your hands together for the beautiful...

Paris Ontario!

Ah, zis one is a real find.

Theresa?

Daddy? Oh my god!

Ooo, zat is hot.

Theresa!

I can't believe you come to places like this!

You're sick!

What are you talking about?

Me and Cheech own the joint.

So I know the owner?

That's a very good connection for me.

Okay, but you'll have to leave the main room

when I'm on stage.

Are you crazy?

I'm not letting you work here!

You mean... you're firing me?

You're my daughter!

And what kind of man fires his own daughter?

I hate you!

[bleep]

[crash]

Oh, Gina, I made you a dentist appointment for next Thursday.

I'm not going.

Sweetie, it's just a routine check-up.

Your brother needs a root canal.

No, I don't.Shhhh.

All right. If Petey goes, I'll go.

Oh come on!

Where's Theresa?In her room. What's wrong?

Nuttin'. Bad day on the job.

Very bad day on the job.

Stupendous day on the job!

You, shwa shwa shwa shwa.

You, shwa shwa shwa.

You, shwa.

Monsieur le Mountie, we appreciate your shwa shwa shwa,

mais shwa shwa shwa shwa.

Shwa shwa shwa shwa shwa.

Ah, your French iz very good.

Shwa shwa.

Baby, can't we talk this out?

It's not fair, Daddy.

All I wanted was four hundred dollars

but Mom said I had to get a job.

She didn't say be a stripper.

She didn't say not be a stripper.

And I have wanted to do this

ever since I thought of it the other day.

Boys like me anyway.

I bet they'd like me even more naked.

Aw, princess, you don't want boys to like you for that.

You're a smart, capable young woman

with a big heart and a good mind.

One day you'll find a boy who loves you for that,

and that's all you'll ever need.

Aw, Daddy...

that is so gay.

Baby, I don't want us to fight.

Then don't thwart my dreams!

I love to dance! I live to dance!

And I'll never forgive you because I hate you!

[sigh] Alright.

How 'bout I just give you the four hundred dollars?

I love you!

But I don't want your mother

knowing I'm going behind her back.

Don't worry.

I don't tell you or Mommy anything

when I go behind your backs.

Good. Wait. Okay, good.

[whimpering]

[screaming]

Would you keep it down. You're scaring your sister.

Daddy! Uncle Cheech!

I'd like you to meet the newest member of our family,

Paris Ontario.

I gave her my stripper name.

Does it bite?

Cheech, it's cashmere.

So, I dunno, do cashmeres bite?

I love it so much, Daddy, thank you.

Just wanna make you happy, princess.

I hoped you'd say that.

Because when I got her,

I saw the cutest diamond studded collar.

So can I have five hundred dollars more to stayhappy?

No. Out of the question.

That's not fair!

Then let me earn it at the club!

We've been through this.

All the other cashmere dogs have diamond collars!

Why do you have to make Paris feel less than?

I hate you!

Okay! Fine! Here!

I love you!

Did you just buy your daughter's love?

Hey, it was for sale, and I wanted it.

...and not a single cavity.

And you sat in the chair so bravely.

I ai ih amiwee. [I hate this family.]

Hey, how come there's two Ginas?

Mom! Mom! Look what I got!

Isn't she the cutest thing you ever saw?

Where'd you get the money for this?

Oh. Um... I got a job.

Doing what?Uh...

working for Daddy.

She's just keeping the books!

She don't even know what kind of club it is.

I do all the adding and the take aways.

Aww.

I am so proud of you.

You wanted something and you went out and got it.

Thanks Mom.

You want to meet Paris Ontario?

Aww, so this is what all the fuss was about.

I can see why. It's adorable.

Keep it to yourself Cook,

but I been tryin' to play with that dog

and I believe it to be dead.

I've been saving up for a diamond studded collar for her.

Yes. Absolutely yes.

And you know what would go perfect

with a diamond studded collar?

A gold mesh leash.

O! M! G!

You are soo right, Mommy.

And fortunately for me, today's payday.

Isn't it, Daddy?

♪ [theme from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly] ♪

Why, yes, sweetie, today is payday.

I love you!

Things are really turnin' around.

You got a business going that's right up your alley;

Theresa's becoming responsible; Gina's behaving.

Being forced to come to Regina may have been

the best thing for this family.

Gina! Time to get ready for ballet class!

Put on your tutu!

[screaming]

Hey, Jimmy-boy, why so glum?

This thing with Theresa.

It's emotional blackmail, and I resent it...

and also, respect it.

Oh yeah.

She's playing you like a tuba.

I know the saying is violin, but you're a big man.

I can't keep paying her but I can't stand her hating me.

She'd love me forever if I let her work in the club

but I can't do that neither.

And now with Cookie being all proud of her...

[sigh]

How'd I get into this mess?

All I wanted to do was sell bare boobies

to horny Canadians.

You know what your problem is, Jimmy?

You're thinking like a McDougal.

Start thinking like a Falcone again.

Cheech! That's brilliant!

It is?

I guess ya keep shooting off your mouth,

eventually something good comes out.

Baby, I been thinkin.

Just givin' you money for doin' nuttin

ain't good for your character,

so I'm gonna let you strip for your money.

Oh Daddy!

I'm going to make you so proud!

I love you!

I love you, too, princess.

God bless insurance.

Now thisis the Falcone way.

I think we're gonna make more money from this

than if we had kept the joint going.

[horse neighing]Oh oh.

Don't worry, Jimmy.

I got this one.

Don't think I don't know what you boys are doing.

You clearly bought this place only to burn it to the ground

for the insurance money.

Well, I will not let you get away with it!

Oh yeah?

Well, the joke's on you.

I forgot to buy insurance!

You idiot!

And justice is served!