Original subtitles

Anything interesting happen at the bank today, Brenda?

Just the routine, deposits and withdrawals.

Your Honor, sir.

Another open-faced peanut butter sandwich, please.

Will that be chunky or smooth this time, sir?

Chunky.

1-0-F-S-P-B-C, Herman.

They were all right. I mean, for a group that's relatively inexperienced,

they did all right, don't you think?

Yeah, they were pretty good.

Yeah, they were, weren't they?

I mean, you know, considering everything,

they did all right.

Well,

did you have a good time?

Oh, sure.

Well, I guess I should be going home.

Well, why don't you come up for a while?

Uh, sure.

I mean, um, uh, sure.

Are you sure it's all right, Brenda? It's rather late and... You're

absolutely right, Billy. It is late. Why don't we make it some other time?

Brenda,

you know that door won't open.

Good night,

Billy. It's been a wonderful evening.

Hi, Billy.

How you doing?

Hi, Priscilla.

Give me a couple of bucks of super regular, please.

Right on, kiddo.

in ten minutes. If you could take me home tonight, you could taste this wild,

natural peanut butter I've got.

It'll blow your mind.

Gosh, that would be swell.

Come on in, Billy.

Boy, have I got a treat for you.

Sit down and relax, Billy. I'll be right back.

Would you like some wine or beer?

Peanut butter's fine, Priscilla.

Don't do anything special for me.

Go on, sit down.

You cut off and stay a while.

Your order, sir.

Well, how do you like it?

Gee, it's terrific.

Really? Uh, yeah.

I, uh... I, uh...

Um... Oh!

I'm sorry.

That's okay. Don't worry about it.

Billy, are you always this nervous around girls?

Well, um... Can't you relax with me?

It's not you.

It's just that... Well, when I was a kid...

I had some experiences.

That makes it hard for me.

It might help if you tell me about them.

Well, I've never told them to anyone before.

Try me. I'm a good listener.

I, uh...

When I was 15, I used to, um... Used

to what?

Uh... To, uh, ma... Ma...

Ma... Mas... Mas... Masturbate?

Yeah, yeah. I used to, um, masturbate a lot.

This friend of mine gave me some sexy magazines.

And one time when I was really excited

by them, my Aunt Opal came to visit us.

My mother wasn't in at the time, and so she wanted to wait for her.

And anyway, I was so excited that I figured she...

She'd wait in the living room while I finished masturbating.

But she didn't.

What on earth do you think you're doing?

Oh my god!

Billy, you were indulging in an ugly and unnatural abuse of your body and mind.

And what you did to me was utterly disgusting.

You may still be a boy, but that's no excuse for you to masturbate.

I can't make love to girls. You mean you can't have sex with girls?

I'm afraid to.

Afraid? Afraid of what? Do you realize that what you did to yourself is worse

than anything that could possibly happen to you with the woman?

After a few years of masturbating, your brain will turn to mush and you won't be

able to go near a woman without totally disgusting her.

You'll be a blind, stinking, mental and physical cripple, Billy. You'd better

stop right now before your mind becomes so warped that you can't stop.

You must overcome your fear of sex with girls. You must.

I can't.

Oh, why not?

If you can get an erection, you can.

But... No, I mean, I... I can't find any girls who'll...

who'll do it with me.

You need a woman.

Kiss me, Bill. What?

You call that a kiss?

No wonder girls won't sleep with you.

Come on, try again.

Goddamn, Billy.

Open your mouth and use your tongue like this.

You're going to have to do better than that.

Do you or don't you want me to help you?

You start with a kiss like I showed you.

Then you arouse her by touching her.

Here, I'll show you.

Do you like sucking out Opal's breasts, Billy?

Mm-hmm.

Use your tongue.

Link them.

You see what I mean, Billy?

The mouth, the tongue.

Yes, Aunt Opal.

Yeah, I did that.

Yeah, you did that to me.

But, Aunt Opal, I can't do that.

Billy, do as I tell you. You'll like it.

But, but... No buts. Just get down there and act like a man.

No, no.

Do what I did to you.

I can't.

Yes, you can. It won't hurt you.

No. You better do as I tell you, Billy, or else I'm going to have to tell your

mother you were playing with yourself.

Oh, no, I don't. Well, please don't do that.

Then do as you're told.

I'm going to show you how much better sex is with a woman than with yourself,

whether you like it or not.

Here, let's give it a little flavor.

Now your penis, Billy.

Your penis!

I can't.

my breasts, Billy.

Squeeze me.

Fuck me.

All of a sudden, I was alone.

She'd gone.

And I started masturbating again, like right after she left.

Because even though her screaming like that and everything had confused me, I

still was aroused.

I just couldn't help myself.

Would you like another peanut butter sandwich, Billy?

Hey, Billy, why don't you come in here and look at the coarse-grind chunky egg

I got from the health food store?

What about those other experiences you had?

Were they anything like the Aunt Opal episode?

Well, yeah, but in different ways.

Aunt Opal really didn't give me any confidence like she said she would.

In fact, I found it even more difficult to relate to girls after that.

Anyway, a few months after the Aunt Opal thing, I went to visit another aunt and

uncle in Petaluma.

My aunt and uncle were both at work. The front door was unlocked, so I went in.

I heard some noises upstairs and figured it was my cousin Renee, who was home

from college for the summer.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Debbie, it's been so long.

Oh, God, you feel so good to me.

Come on. What do you mean about you? Oh, sweet angel, yes.

up here and when you

It was as if I weren't there, as if I'd never been there.

They made love again, completely ignoring me.

Finally, I got dressed and went home.

I couldn't stay there after that.

Did she get pregnant?

No, but I didn't hear from her for a couple of months, and how weird she was.

I don't know.

After that, I got worried about getting girls pregnant and everything.

And it's like I was even more afraid of girls.

You know about contraception, don't you? Yeah, but, you know, I... Let

me pour you some more wine. No, no, no, that's all right. I'll do it myself.

i think i know how you felt well not about pregnancy but about being toyed

with like that when i was living in the country a few years ago i used to run

around the woods with older boys i was somewhat of a tomboy then and didn't

think about things in terms of sex one time these two guys wanted to play hide

and seek which was okay with me only i didn't realize the dangers involved in

their special variation of that game

Instead of the person who was it trying to find the others, the others tried to

find and catch the person who was it.

You weren't considered caught until you said uncle.

Of course I was it and my friends Lester and George had to catch me.

Maybe she's in there.

Let's get her! Come on!

Got you, Priscilla.

Okay, so you got me, Uncle.

Who the victor claims is rewarded.

Oh, and that's not part of the game.

This is a new game.

I'm not sure if I like this game so much.

Well, let's find out.

You're gonna suck my cock.

Oh, no, I've never done that before.

It's about time you did.

But I don't know how.

Put it in your mouth and suck on it. But make sure you don't bite it.

Open up.

Try mine too, Priscilla.

Now, how do you like this game, Priscilla?

It's not bad.

Have you ever played this before, George?

Sometimes Lester and I play it together.

George, George.

Let's see if she can suck both of us at the same time.

Let's try.

It's really nice. Do you like it, dude?

Yeah. Don't stop.

Just don't stop.

Everything's under control, Les.

I caught you, so I guess I win this game.

Good game, Les.

Right on.

Come on. Do I just go screw the cat? Right on.

Still can't keep mud from the first game and come from the second.

I was left lying there alone and unsatisfied.

I was really mad at them.

They treated me like an object.

Well, that's what reminded me of what happened to you with your cousin and her

friend.

Those girls used you like those boys used me.

Even though it was sexually stimulating, it was still...

Empty and incomplete.

Would you like a bite of my sandwich?

Could we continue this conversation in the bedroom?

Oh, are you tired? If you are, I could... No, I'm fine. I just feel like

going to lay down.

Care to join me?

Well, can I make a peanut butter sandwich first?

If you want, bring the jar with you.

No, this will be the last one.

Why don't you bring the jar along just in case?

Well, all right.

When I finally had another, you know, encounter, it was

because of this friend of mine. He was the same guy who gave me those magazines

I told you about.

Jeff was his name.

Anyway, he used to kid me a lot about being afraid of girls and everything,

but he'd always try to help me out and making friends with them anyway.

But I never really could get it together to go along with any of

his schemes.

But one day I went to his store where he worked, and he had this strange

proposal.

Oh. Hi, Jack.

The time has come, my friend.

Think of other things.

Billy, I fixed you up with a comely waif in search of her Lothario.

I've no doubt but that out of innate impetuosity, she will allow you, old

buddy, to cockatoo her.

Uh... What do you mean?

It's elementary, my dear boy, elementary.

This gal, Gloria, is gorgeous and game.

I don't... I'm not sure I understand what you're getting at. She's

hungry for the hirsute horn.

My lad, on such affairs as these, you may, nay, you must.

Trust me that I know what I'm talking about.

Know what?

She wants to ball you. This girl will ball you.

Well, I... What's she like?

You'll like her, okay?

There's just one thing.

What's that?

Well, she's a little tiny bit strange, if you know what I mean.

She's a chess master, and, well,

you know how they are.

Hey, Wawa King.

Well, what's happening, Jeff? How's it going, man?

Look.

What's up, Wawa?

See you later.

He's a strange dude, man. What are they like?

Uh, she's horny, you know? That's all that counts.

I'll see you later, my little peanut. About 8 o'clock.

At my place.

And don't be late.

Cheerio.

Okay.

Jeff was quite a ladies' man, but I didn't really think he'd actually found

a girl who'd make love with me.

But I was, uh...

Curious. So I went to his apartment just to see what happened.

Relax, Billy, my boy. She'll be here any minute.

What did I tell you? Come on. Let's go.

Billy, this is Gloria.

And, uh, Gloria, this is the young man I told you about.

Do you play chess?

Um, no.

Uh, but I play chapters.

Uh, make yourself comfortable, Gloria. Just, uh, have a seat anywhere.

You two have fun. Keep yourselves entertained, and I'll be in in just a

minute.

Chess is a fascinating game. It's like life in many ways,

isn't it?

Excuse me.

I have to relieve myself.

What's the matter, kid? The dame wants her. Why not just give her to her?

Are you sure? I mean, she doesn't look horny to me.

Listen, would I lie to you? Would I tell you the chick was horny if she wasn't?

No, but...

She's so beautiful.

She could have any man she wanted. Why wouldn't she want me?

Listen, you're asking me that?

Any man can have that thing. You know, when a woman wants it, she wants it.

This bullshit you've been coming up with, it ain't gonna get you nowhere.

But I don't know what to say to her.

Listen, Billy boy, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go in there.

and set her up for you, okay? And you stand out of here in your watch, you

see? Maybe you'll even learn something.

And then when I got her so turned on, she can't even resist you, then I'll

signal you, you come in and take over.

Now, you think you can do that?

Yeah, I guess, I guess I will. Come on, Billy boy, I need more than a boy's

whimper. Now, tell me, can you do it?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, Billy boy, okay.

Breathe in deep.

Let it out.

Now just relax and take your time. Get some rest.

And watch for my signal, okay?

Fuck me, Jim. Fuck me, Jim.

you

Oh dear.

Cheers.

Oh, God.

Oh,

I need it.

Oh.

What?

Ugh.

Ah!

Oh, no.

Oh, I need it.

Oh, I need it.

Oh, Jill.

Oh, Jill.

Oh, fuck me, Jill.

Yep.

Take it easy, Gloria.

You're a goddamn creep yourself, Jeff.

How could you even allow that little pond to touch me?

No more chess lessons for you.

Gloria was the last girl that I've ever made love to.

She's also the last girl that Jeff or anyone's tried to turn me on to. And

I've been pretty much alone since then.

It's not that I don't want to make love. It's just that I

can't do it.

That's so sad.

I guess I don't really understand what's expected of me.

Nothing's expected of you.

Yes, I know.

Come on, Billy, I didn't mean it that way. What I meant was that you just be

yourself and not worry about making love. It'll work out fine.

Well, I don't really worry about it. It's a simple fact.

I can't seduce a girl.

If a girl wants you to make love to her, it's a very simple thing to do.

Well, no girl really wants me to make love to them.

I do.

What?

I do.

I'd like you to make love to me.

Why?

Because I love you.

You do?

Yes.

I'm afraid.

What could you possibly be afraid of?

I'm afraid I'd disappoint you.

Oh, Billy, you can never disappoint me.

Wow, you're beautiful.

You're so awesome.

I love you.

My peanut butter baby.

I think I'm going to... Oh, come now.

Oh, now.

Now.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Go ahead, try it. You'll like it.

I wonder how it'll taste with peanut butter.

Well, there's one way to find out.

Wild,

natural peanut butter I've got.

What on earth do you think you're doing? Do you know what happens to spies,

little boy?

The mouth? The tongue?

Yuck.

Blessed art thou, O Lord, who hallowest thy people.

I love you. Try to excite me, Kurt.

You'll like it. That would be swell.

And the vagina!

By the right of this nuptial wine.

Get down there and act like a man.

And the sacred covenant of marriage.

But I play checkers.

Your brain will turn to mush, and you won't be able to go near a woman without

totally disgusting her.

And a woman wants it?

She wants it. Creep pig.

Why

are

you so nervous, Billy?

Masturbate a lot.

Take Priscilla to be your lawful wedded wife. To love, to honor, and

to cherish.

Nothing's expected of you.

I do.

And to you, Priscilla, take Billy to be your lawful wedded husband.

To love, to honor, and to cherish.

I do.

You do?

I now pronounce you...

Man and wife.

Billy, you may now kiss your bride.

dominus viscum

We are dear Alhacol.

We are all Alhacol.