Original subtitles

I'm Lou, and this is my butcher shop. I run it with my family.

Frank.

Andy. Denise.

Man. The guy. Lynn Vandal.

Outback. You got a beef?

You come see me. My deli.

My room. It feels like I'm on trial here. You are.

Hey, Manny. Hey, Rose.

Hey, I got a list of stuff that Mikey wants for his party. No, I got to throw

a party for a guy just because he's getting out of jail. Shit, I love

parties. Lou, look at me.

It's family, right? All right. I'll tell you something. Mikey gets right on it. I

heard he just leased the empty storefront across the street. What kind

of business do you think he's opening over there?

I don't know.

Hey, Lou.

Let's go, Nooch.

20 pounds of prosciutto di Parma.

25 pounds of Sicilian salami, smoked turkey, sausage, steak.

I'll tell you what he's opening. He's opening my shop. This is unbelievable.

I'm going to find out about this right after the 4 o'clock race.

Now serving case number eight. Donna blames DJ Madbeat's terrible music on

clearing out her house party.

DJ Madbeat says he fulfilled his DJ duties, and it's not his fault her party

sucked. Honorable Uncle Lou presiding.

Belly's in session.

What's your beef?

I was trying to throw a lovely, fun party in my house, so I hired DJ Mad

Beats to get the funk going, and he ruined my party. How'd he ruin your

party? His crappy music cleared everyone out. I paid good money for him, okay?

How much was Mad Beats?

He was $700 for two hours.

Oh. Are you getting $700?

I'm sorry. He was $75.

So, uh, Mr. Madbeats, how do you answer these charges?

Okay, well, what she so conveniently failed to mention is that her house is

her car.

Uh, objection.

That's right. She lives in her car.

Which means that's my house.

I don't have room to put my turntables, my laptop, my speakers, okay? Well, I

just want to throw a house party like any good American, okay?

It's my constitutional right to throw parties. In a house. Throw it in a

house. Hey, Your Honor, I didn't have to, but I played it, all right? Because

I'm a man of my word.

DJ Mad Beats is a man of his word. If he says he's going to DJ your party, he's

going to DJ your party. And there was a strobe light.

Yeah. It was like the dome light in her car.

But she just waved her hand in front of my face.

You need a strobe light at a party like you need me at a deli.

Thank you for putting it in terms that we can understand. That's helpful.

You gotta have one. It makes you look like you're moving slow and like you're

clapping weird.

It's awesome. It's what makes a party a party.

Was the car moving?

No. It was bouncing because of my beats.

Ah. If it had windows, they would have broken.

Your car don't have no windows?

No. They got kicked out.

By who?

By several children.

All right. So your supposition is that you, in fact, did entertain at this

party. That's right. I played to the best of my ability. He scared everybody

away. He made it a bad party. And it got so hot in my car, nobody wants to stand

around and be sweaty at a party. Nobody was standing around. You can't stand in

your car.

House. Who did you invite to your party? So many people. I went to a Vons, and I

handed out flyers.

Can I demonstrate some of my party moves?

Yeah? Okay, great. Let's just say that this is the table where I set up all of

our goodies, huh?

Huh?

Drinks over here.

In the car?

On the dashboard. On the dashboard.

And then, you know, we got to start dancing and just like...

All right, all right. So Mad Beats, what were you doing when this was going on?

I was, uh, I guess I was like... Because the strobe light was like, you know, so

I'm like... And like...

Is that the emergency brake? Yeah. And I'm like...

Watch.

And I'm just... Crunking, just losing it. Yeah, and here comes the drop.

Whoa, my airbag went off. Her airbag went off.

But I would like to say all of that was not a good thing.

I would like to call witness.

Coming up, more beef.

You chose to sit on the speaker.

You guys got any E?

Yeah, you like that?

Yeah, I like it. People died for us so we could throw parties. Die.

Lou found out his brother-in-law is stealing his business.

That's skanoch. He's a skanoch!

Donna says DJ Mad Beats ruined her house party.

She lives in her car. Which means that's my house.

I would like to call a witness.

All right.

I would like to call my best friend, Big Mike.

He was the other person at the party.

Hey, my name is Big Mike. I was the other person at the party. Wait a

minute, wait a minute.

Big Mike, you're not that big.

Why do they call you Big Mike? I bet that you're not even Mike.

My name is Mike.

Sir, I'm trying to get Big Mike going, and it's just taking some time for it to

catch off, but I feel like it's getting there.

I've been saying it.

All right, to Big Mike, tell me your side of the story.

I had been riding shotgun at the party, and I expected that to be fun, but it

was actually not fun in this.

particular situation because of the excessive volume from the speaker. How

loud was it, Mike?

It was very, it was, it was too loud.

Too loud, that's right, Big Mike, tell him. It was hard to have conversations

with anybody.

And Big Mike, conversations are fun at a party, right? Tell him.

I feel like I'm saying everything that you're, but conversations are fun at a

party. That's something I feel like we all could have assumed about.

He ruined my party, usually.

All of my parties end in an awesome sleepover. Ain't that right, Big Mike?

Okay. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah. They're neglecting to mention that they

had full intercourse in front of me, okay?

And I took that opportunity to pack my stuff and go.

It's a party. What do you expect? You shouldn't have played so many romantic

songs. You made it happen.

I'm a very good DJ.

I guess he's a good DJ. I mean, well, I guess we also took some E.

I think that was the main thing that made the sex happen. Yeah.

Have you ever had sex in a car on E?

It's better than sex in a car when you're not on it.

All right.

I'm going to deliberate on this to come back with my verdict.

Okay, everybody stand up. Lou's done thinking about it. Okay, you go ahead

and sit down.

All right, you know, sometimes in life, we want to have a party.

You know, but for some reason, you can't.

Because maybe you don't have enough money, or in Donna's case, you don't got

the space.

For an example, I know a guy who wants a party. And as a celebration, he's then

going to open up a butchery right across the street from me.

So with that in mind, Donna, you got no beef.

Mad Pete, because you won, you get the value. Here's your veal.

So veal, just hammer it out.

Uh, throw it in the oven.

It's real thin, cooks real fast.

Lin Vanderloo, outside Lou's Meat Market, chewing the fat.

Let's bring in today's defendant.

He was victorious in Lou's Deli. It's DJ Mad Beats. Come on in, DJ.

So, congratulations.

DJ Mad Beats, what does full intercourse look like?

It's, uh, penis and vagina.

Guess what my DJ name is.

What? DJ Sandra Bullock fan.

Oh, sweet.

Donna, what was it, do you think, that really turned the tide of Lou against

you in this particular case?

I honestly think that it was me not having a house and just living in my

car.

Big Mike, you're not that big.

It's a goal that I'm working towards, and I've read a couple of DVDs that told

me to just get the word out.

And so that's what I'm doing.

Donna, how would you dance if you were going to dance with me?

Oh, all right. Okay.

First, I would kind of come at you from across the room, you know, and really

pull you in with my eyes.

Then I would just get on up.

Get on up like this.

Just get on up like this. Yeah.

Yeah, you could fight back if you want. No. Big Mike, how would you join this?

I usually do a lot of just scoping out and then...

She's saying, how are you?

Loudly to people that I recognize. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you like that?

Yeah, I like it. Yeah.

Man, Uncle Lou sure is upset.

I ain't never seen him bring anything personal into a beef before.

Well, of course he's mad. His own brother-in-law's opening a butcher shop

across the street. I've never seen him this angry, and I'm his brother.

It's going to be very, very hard to get any money from him for anything.

Frankie, go in the back, taste the supper, set the last batch, taste it for

me.

What's the matter? Go.

I can't. What do you mean you can't?

I went and got my cholesterol checked, and it turns out I was pretty high,

so... So what?

Lynn's making me be a vegetarian.

What?

She's making me be a vegetarian.

I don't like it either, Lou, but Lynn, she stocked the fridge full of, like,

tofu and sprouts, and we got this, like, almond milk. How do you get milk from an

almond, huh?

Does an almond have little teats? You squeeze out the milk, huh? Yeah, little

almond teats.

Frankie, what I'm about to say to you is the hardest thing I've ever had to say

in my life.

I can't have no veggie working in my meat store.

Huh.

Well, guess we both got some picking to do.

Family. Hmm?

Gotta cool off.

Now serving case number 62.

Fred is accusing his buddy Dwayne of being a cheap deadbeat because Dwayne

took back the beers he took to Fred's party.

Dwayne says that in this recession, that's perfectly acceptable behaviors.

Okay, everybody stand up. Honorable Uncle Luke presiding.

Okay, everybody go ahead and sit down.

Deli's in order.

What's your beef?

Dwayne came to our Valentine's party.

I brought him there because there'd be some single ladies. I'm always trying to

help him out. He's a friend who's always down on his luck. Long story short, he

brought a six-pack, hid it in the back of the fridge, scooted some Bud Lights

in front of it so nobody saw it. At the end of the night, walked out with his

beer when he should have left them in the house.

Here's the thing. He said there was girls. There was no girls. There were

two girls there. One's his girlfriend, and it was a girlfriend's mom, and she

was a beast.

Those are the two girls you could wrestle up? There were three girls

there. One of them was in the bedroom making out with somebody, so you never

got to see her. She was the best looking.

It was a bit of a sausage party. I apologize for that. Can I just say, Lou,

he brought good beer, but every time I saw him, and I got photos, excuse me, of

him drinking Bud Lights all night. I'd like to show as evidence A.

All right. And I'd like to point out that couch in there is stained by his

sweat because he was sleeping on it for six months naked and he took the pigment

out of the leather.

Lou? The reason he bought the cheaper leather. And I told you when you bought

that fucking couch, spend the extra $300, my skin turned green because of

your fucking dumb couch.

All right, well, where's my $100 for the car? I gave him a car for $100. You gave

me a car.

Let's focus this back.

In all fairness, Lou, I think I've been rather generous to Dwayne my whole life.

And this guy comes in, deadbeat that he is, hides six measles. You don't have to

call me a deadbeat. I apologize.

You got a job.

Yeah. What is it? Car washing. It's a great job.

Did you know that any money that's left in the car is yours?

Can I ask a question?

How many days last month did you work at the car wash?

Three? Three days a month.

What did he do for the other 27 days? Got prospects.

Did you go by his house? Yeah. You eat his food? Yeah. You drink his beer?

Yeah. He had that beat.

Thank you, Lou.

All right, so it said party.

What'd you have? You say you have food. Oh, it was awful. So he had, like, tofu

sticks, and he had this... Big bowl of what appeared to be cat vomit. You ate

that? Yeah, I tasted it.

In all fairness, it was cat vomit. Somebody was feeding the cat meatballs.

He threw up and I got rid of it, but not before he ate it, apparently.

You're a fucking asshole. I didn't do it on purpose. You're a fucking asshole.

Why would I put cat vomit out at a party? Was there hair in it?

Yeah. Yeah, that's cat vomit. Why would you think that's edible?

Because it was with the rest of the fucking shitty snacks you put out.

Tofu rings, gluten-free wings.

Whoa, wait a minute. You tofu?

Yeah. Gluten-free stuff.

Don't go California on me. No, sir. I said, bitch, you married. I'm marrying.

Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa. I will bust the fucking loaf of bread over your fucking head. Put the

bread down. I will.

I'll pay for it. I already touched it. My girlfriend slash wife-ish.

Living, broad, loves the vegetarian stuff. I've experimented a little bit.

I'm not... I'm just going to give a little advice off the record. Make an

honest girl of this veggie. Yes, sir. Change her. She wants a big wedding.

Because I think she's changing you.

All right. Before she gets pregnant, we had to terminate three kids already.

Oh! Come on! We don't like to talk about politics in here, all right? Sorry about

that. We were figuring out how to be safe for the first six months while we

were living together.

You know the best way to be careful?

Hmm.

The other way. The other side. Back door?

Can't be having no butt babies.

Lou, you sanction that?

I find it unnatural.

I'm just one step away from a famanuch.

Coming up, more beef.

I just want to say, Lou, I sincerely love your meat. I gotta ask, how was

that blowjob he just gave you? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Watch your mouth in front of

this, Deli.

Frank's Gone Veggie.

When Dwayne took back the beers he brought to Fred's party, Fred had

enough. This guy comes in, deadbeat that he is. You don't have to call me a

deadbeat. That's not nice.

You're a deadbeat.

Lou, if I may, we grew up together.

We've been friends. We played football together. He was a quarterback. I was a

kicker. We were thick as thieves, Lou.

You know?

And now he's a pharmacist down at Dwayne Reed Drugstore. He's got a big, high

-paying job.

You know, I come in, and I'm trying to play to his scale. And I got the most

expensive beer I could find to try to impress him and his pharmacy friends.

All right. And now Andy's like, you're a deadbeat. You can't sleep on my couch

anymore. You owe me $100 for the car I gave you. And it's this girl.

I'm telling you right now, it's this girl. I'm trying to make a life for

myself. And I get it. I look like I'm uptown rich.

I'm shadowing a guy right now. I won't be a full-fledged pharmacist for six

months. But I've done nothing but help you. I give you my car, my couch. You

give me your car, and then you ask me for money.

Who fucking does that, Lou?

I said you could have it. Pay me $100 when you got $100. It's been six years.

What the fuck?

You know, I got those beers, and I felt big time.

You know, I felt like I was like you, Freddie.

I walked around your fancy neighborhood with the Priuses and the Toyota Camrys,

and people were looking at me different. They goes, oh, that guy must have

something. He must be somebody, because he had that beard. I want to be like

you. Look, Dwayne. I'm trying to grow up, man. I don't want you to change. I

admire what you got.

You got charm. You got charisma. You're Mr. Freedom. You are. You can walk into

any room. You're always yourself.

You can shake hands with the President of the United States, and 10 seconds

later, you're giving a hobo a howdy-do.

I like that about you. You're your own man, and sometimes I feel like I have

been conquered by civilization.

Not like you, though. So I admire you. That means a lot, you know. That means

everything to me.

You really admire him?

Fuck you!

You're such a fucking asshole!

Isn't that a cool one? You're a fucking asshole!

This will be my area. How about that? That's a great idea. Why don't you hang

in that area?

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Are you really stealing?

Well,

I've got to tell you. You know, Lou, before you go on that, I think I want to

drop my beef, withdraw my beef. I got no beef.

We had a talk, Lou.

I'm not going to break up 20 years and own this idiot for three beers, whatever

was left.

All right, so you're stating to me that you are beefless?

I'm son's beef. You are beefless?

Got no beef with this guy. He's my best friend. I declare.

The body has got no beef. Go with God.

Thanks, Lou. Thanks, Lou. Appreciate it.

You owe me.

What, I owe you?

You owe me.

No, I backed off. No, no, you're the fucking prick in this situation.

Hey, Fred, where's Dwight? Uh, he's lingering somewhere.

Fuck that!

What's wrong with you? You're a fucking turd. Sam, can you stand between us, do

you mind?

No, I'm happy to stand between you. He's a fucking turd. All right, if you guys

could go back in time to that fateful party, what would you do differently?

I'll start with Fred.

All right, well, I would take the beer out of his hand and I would put it in

the cooler where everybody can get at it. Speaking of coolers, Dwayne, you

spent some time in the cooler during the case. Nice transition.

Can I ask my question?

He always does this.

He always fucking does this. I'm starting to see what he means. Right.

Can I ask my question?

Get permission.

Get permission first.

Hey, doctor.

Right. I'm not a doctor. Hey, pill doctor.

Can I ask my question? I'm almost a pharmacist. He's a pusher. Can I ask my

question? Yes. I said yes. Okay.

Thanks so much.

I have a question. Not for you.

Why do you put up with this asshole?

Listen, Lou.

I know you care about me and I appreciate it. But, uh... Wins my wife,

and she wants me to go veg.

Gotta go veg. Well, Frankie, there's nothing left for me to do or say,

except... I can't have no veggie working in my... Wait!

Wait a minute!

Wait, wait, wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I got these.

What's this?

These are Chinese anti-cholesterol pills that I won from a Chinaman who gave me a

bad bit of pie gal.

You take these, no more high cholesterol.

You can eat all the meat you want.

It's gonna work?

It's gonna work!

There's tiger cock in there.

Thanks, Manny.

Saved my life.

Hey, Lou.

I think I'm ready to try that soapset.

Get out of here.

Welcome back, nephew.

I'm gonna go show that soapset who's boss, huh? Yeah.

What's in those fucking pills?

It's a bunch of Chinese firecrackers with barbecue sauce on it. That's how

bad he wants to eat meat. He'll believe anything.

Number 23.

Hip-hop promoter Big Love has a big issue with Scott.

Because he says Scott didn't promote his concert like he hired him to do.

Scott says he did what he was paid to do, just nobody showed up because the

concert was no good.

Okay, everybody show some respect. Stand up.

Honorable Uncle Lou presiding.

Okay, everybody go ahead and sit down.

Daddy's inside. What's your beef?

Uncle Lou, it's you.

How are you, Big Love? I'm here, man.

Yo. Hey, Uncle Lou.

Don't go with that.

Yeah. All right, what's your beef?

Look, you know Big Love always promote all the fly stuff out here. Yeah.

Yeah, I threw that pajama pool party.

Someone drowned at that one?

Yeah, somebody drowned.

You ever been to a black people pool party? We're not supposed to get in the

water. Oh, yeah. That's true.

That was racist.

All my shows is huge, and I asked him, Scott.

to pass out these flyers for me for my concert coming up. I gave them $200, all

singles. I just led a strip club, and I know it's $200, because I only had 200

singles left. And then I seen the flyers in the garbage can at the bus stop. I

seen the same rubber band, you know, the scrunchie that the girls keep in their

hair? It was wrapped around the flyers, and it was thrown in there. And I had,

like, 42 kindergartners make these flyers. Oh, you had who make them?

42 kindergartners.

You might run into some child labor laws on that one, but that's a separate

issue, and it's not before this court. I didn't pay him, though, so it was like

for fun. I told him it was art.

That sounds like a problem to begin with. That sounds like throw the case

out. Well, I'll make that decision. All I want, clearly, is for 1,000 people to

show up and pay $10 to my concert.

I promote all the big bands, man.

Like who?

You know Ice Cube, right?

Yeah. His nephew is going to rap at the concert.

You got to know I promote a jelly bean.

You don't know Jelly Bean?

Jelly Bean, Jelly Bean, Jelly, Jelly Bean. He can have his eyes closed and

still on the video and catch the jelly beans in his mouth. He can tell you the

flavor without even opening his eyes.

It's something more for the kids.

Right. People are like, Jelly Bean, rock that shit. What flavor is this?

That's great, motherfucker.

He gave me $200 in singles to pass out these cards, okay?

Right. People just toss them out right away. I'm doing my best. I'm so

uncomfortable that the devil is in the room right now.

The devil is in the room.

You mean him? Yeah. Why am I the devil? Because the devil do stuff like that.

He's making all this up, and there was no scrunchie. Right-handed Jesus.

Right-handed Jesus?

You probably don't know him because you're the devil.

I know who Jesus Christ is, Lou. He never met him.

Okay.

Basically, him not passing out the flyers, he killed us. What is he talking

about? I handed him out, Lou.

I handed them out. It's an old form of marketing. Everybody gets a flyer. They

don't look at it. They don't go, what could be on this one? Maybe this will

change my life or something.

You trying to say I don't have the internetter?

I'm sorry, what? The internetter. What's the internetter? It's when you put it on

the computer and you put it on the internet.

If you only got one, yeah.

So you got multiple internetters? What you just called me? I didn't call you

nothing. He said... You're putting that on me. I didn't say...

I didn't say it. You said inner niggas. I didn't say that. You said that. All

right. All right. Hold on. Hold on. You're half black.

He's half black. His mother's white. So she got left out black, man. Therefore,

making me completely black. Hey, hey, hey. Let's not make this racial.

I tried to say that.

You, man, he on a jogger suit, and he ain't jogged nowhere to pass out. No

flying. What kind of suit is that?

This? Yeah. It's something like Gucci.

You got a Gucci suit? No, it's something like Gucci. It's another line. Something

like Gucci. I also got sunlight Nike.

I got a whole lot of sunlights. That's the name of it. But it has nothing to do

with the concert, because seriously, this concert was supposed to help feed

little kids and Africans.

Bullshit. What do you like? He's wearing a bullshit suit, Lou. What do you like?

And he's spitting out bullshit.

And Somalians. Like a bullshit fountain over on the corner.

Uncle Lou, he is just jealous. He's jealous of my... baby who's going to

make you bigger than this guy you're nobody you're a loser coming

up more beef you probably heard of uh little cockroaches like they never grow

up to be full cockroaches but they we still gonna make it we still you know

never seen we're all dying if you think about it concert promoter big love says

scotty threw out the flyers he gave him to pass out the devil's in the room mean

him

I got a question now. Explain this music to me, this hip-hop thing. What is up?

It's a rhythm thing, and you just kind of, like, showed me a little bit right

now. You got some talent, Uncle Lou. Do that again what you did. Hit that again.

Yeah, hit the mallet again.

Hey.

Again.

Lou. Again.

You. Again. That's hip-hop right there.

Right there. I can promote you.

Well, thank you very much.

That's what it is. You got swag.

You got a real natural rhythm. I think your wife appreciates you in the

bedroom. Well, thank you. Yeah. I appreciate that.

Yeah, I bet you're really good in bed.

Oh, Scott, come on. Whenever he says something that sounds cool, whenever you

say it, it just sounds offensive.

I'm cool. Cool people don't even say cool no more.

I'm swag.

So, again, he said swag. That's cool. You said it, and it sounded sweaty.

All right, Big Love, explain to me this. What's rack on rack?

Oh, racks on racks, that's on poor people who don't have no money. Pretend

they do in the clubs. They do the racks on racks on racks. Like, if you had a

lot of ribs in the club, you would make it rain your ribs or your meat. You

making it rain is when you take stuff that you really need, like your rent

money, you throw it in the air and pretend you don't need it and pretend

you're having fun, and then you go home broke, but you look too good. So it's

racks on ribs.

No, black people would never throw racks of ribs. We eat those. That'd be stupid.

Throw money.

Did you hear the Uncle Lou song?

No. That's crazy.

Yeah. Yeah, Uncle Lou. Uncle, Uncle Lou, y'all. Uncle Lou. Uncle, Uncle Lou, y

'all. You can't lose dealing with the Lou, y'all. If you ain't dealing with

the Lou, then fuck it. You just made that up right now. Watch this.

It's on the radio. It played like three times. Uncle Lou now.

What you got, beef?

He's got plenty of meats. You call him in his place?

Chicken cutlet, pork and loin.

Clearly not rapping. Whatever you got, I got grabbing my groin.

Why can't you just promote, like, good music, like the Beach Boys?

Who? To go to the beach? I don't like to see boys at the beach. It's kind of

strange. You've never, you don't know nothing about the Beach Boys?

I mean, one time I was wrestling with this dude when I had wrestling practice,

and he pinned me and he stayed on me for a minute, and I didn't mind.

I like the Beach Boys, Lou.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I was out of line. I couldn't keep my mouth shut because I love him. And if

you rule against him, Uncle Lou, I will never speak to you again.

I rule on the merits of the beef fairly and impartially. But having

said all that and having listened to these men, I have rendered my decision.

Big love.

You got no beef.

What? Who?

Whoa! This deli's rigged.

Uncle Lou, man, we do.

No more black people buying your food.

No more black people eating this meat.

Well, you don't come in here too often. Hey!

Come on, let's go.

Come with me.

Are you with him? No, he ain't, but guess what?

I'm leaving with something. I'm taking a white person.

Come on. I think he's serious. He should go. Yeah, he should probably go. Go.

Probably go.

Nah.

Can't get that back.

Lynn Vanderloo outside Lou's Meat Market chewing the fat.

Let's bring in the plaintiff from today's case, Big Love.

So, Big Love, kind of a disappointing outcome in the deli today.

Yeah, I got a white dude, though.

What you gonna do with him?

I'm gonna make him a rapper.

Mm-hmm. Any rap skills, friend?

Not that I know, not, yes.

Big Love, something a lot of our viewers want to know. Mm-hmm. What's the

difference between a bitch and a hoe?

Probably two kids.

So, Big Love, I guess you'd be a little more careful about who you entrust with

your... Sorry, excuse me. This is from Lou.

$200. Your $200.

He loves his niece very much. He was just saving face in there. He just

wanted to make sure everything was cool. This is a roast for you.

Roast? Yeah, from Lou.

Oh, man.

That's Lou cool.

Yeah, Lou is cool.

Tame up. The way I do that. Yeah. Okay, great.

Scott, come on in.

Hey, what's up? How are you? Yeah, how's it going? Good day for me, a better day

for you.

Victory in the deli. That's right, I won.

Man to man, Scott.

Did you hand out the flyers?

Man to man.

What do you mean?

Did you hand out the flyers or did you just throw them in the trash?

Man to man, you already won the case.

No, I didn't hand out the flyers. No, you didn't hand out the flyers. Are you

kidding me?

Good morning, my darling brother, Lou. I got a business opportunity for you, Lou.

All right. Good.

I want to buy a horse.

But how much do you want to buy this horse?

Our horse... Yeah? ...will cost us $6,000.

Oh! This horse's father placed at Pimlico.

So, see, he didn't win.

He won third place.

So you want me to invest in a sport that is dying?

The sport is not dying. Horse racing is exactly... where golf was right before

Tiger Woods got in there, okay? All horse racing needs is its own big black

horse. Oh! Whoa! No, no.

What? What'd I say? Man, you're being a little racial. I'm not racial. I'm not

racial! Listen to me. There is no color. We're all the same when you're eating a

pastrami sandwich in my shop.

I agree. But, Lou,

your baby brother's got dreams.

Everyone's got to have a dream.

$6,000, his family, has an incredible horse. We basically won already.

We won.

All right.

All right. I'll think about it. Thank you, brother.

Now serving number 29.

Amanda says she wants a $9.99 refund from Tyler's haunted Halloween hideout

because it wasn't scary and was stupid.

Tyler says he already gave all the money to charity and that everybody else

thinks the haunted Halloween hideout is freaking awesome.

All rise.

Honorable Uncle Lou presiding.

Deli's in session.

What's your beef?

Uh, Your Honor, I shelled out approximately $10 to a haunted house

that was in no way scary.

I'll tell you what scared me more, the movie Shrek.

So on a scale of 1 to 10, how scared were you?

I would say it was negative 1. Negative 1. And I don't even know that much about

math. Were there ghosts?

Really, fake ghosts.

Skeletons? I do not recall seeing any skeletons.

Any, like, you know, the walking dead type stuff?

I mean, there were a couple of, like, zombie types.

Uh-huh. But they just shuffled around.

All right. In fact, one of them actually got out of my way. I was like, excuse

me, and he was like, sorry.

Uh-huh. Are you sure that was one of the zombies and not just another patriot?

Your Honor, sorry to tell you this is pretty ridiculous.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm talking. Whoa, whoa.

You'll have your time.

Sorry, sir.

Thank you, Your Honor.

So werewolves, Frankenstein-y things, something of that nature.

There were a couple of, like, scary clowns. They would, like, take the teeth

of a vampire, but, like, the hair of Bozo, and then, oh, that's so scary.

Right. Not scary.

Not? No. All right. One of them made me a balloon poodle.

Your Honor, I walked through that haunted house. My face was like this the

entire time.

All right, so how would you categorize this experience that you put together?

Well, I like to say it's the freakiest, dekiest thing people have ever been

through in their lives, right? I worked on this very hard. I see you walk in,

right? Yeah. Now, nobody likes spiders, right?

Nobody likes spiders.

All right, so I got two miles of spider webs all over this place, you know what

I mean? Scary. Which is inferring spiders are everywhere, which made a lot

of people, I like to call scared, you know what I mean? I created this

creature. His name was Fontaine.

Sort of like inspired by, you know, industrial light magic and the Ouida

workshops that Peter Jackson works with.

Sort of like Gollum meets Smeagol.

What's a Smeagol?

He's like a hobbit. He used to be a hobbit and then he got the ring and he

kind of got obsessed with it and it kind of deteriorated him. Scary little guy,

Your Honor. If I see this guy, I'm like, I'm out of here. Check, please. Real

quick. Point of order, when he says scary little guy, he means little,

because the thing was like this big. I tripped on it. There was a mind warper

room, which was a huge hit, right? Because this was like a bad drug

experience sort of room. So we had lava lamps in there. We had flickering lights

in there, you know what I mean? And very disorienting. The floor was painted

blue. Right. Because usually floors aren't blue, and this was very weird for

people. You're losing me on the blue floor. Oh, no, just, well, like the

ocean or the sky is blue, but a floor.

No, that's brown. Black, brown, it's not blue, right? It's a blonde.

Manny wants a racehorse. Everyone's gotta have a dream.

Amanda thinks Tyler's haunted house sucked. I'll tell you what scared me

more, the movie Shrek.

And then...

Carlos! Your Honor, if I may, you've all just experienced what I like to call a

Tyler Spooktacular.

It's my buddy Carlos, just an example of what I like to bring to my houses.

This is not fair!

That is manipulative! Your Honor! Carlos was in the house that night, okay, and

he did that same trick to everybody who walked in that door.

That's pretty scary, Your Honor. Were you not scared?

You got a baseball bat, right, sir?

I was just protecting my business. I was not actually scared. Everybody who was

scared, raise your hand.

All right.

Oh, well.

Even you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, even you. All right.

Your Honor, can I say something?

Yeah, sure. Go ahead. So on behalf of Tyler here, I'd just like to thank him

for giving horror artists like myself a place to hone their craft and work on

their skill because, look, I know I'm working at a haunted house today, but I

got dreams.

I got big dreams, and I know they're long shots, but what dreams aren't long

shots, am I right?

So I'm going to Hollywood, Your Honor, and I'm going to be the next horror

movie franchise star, like Jason, like Michael Myers, and God willing, like

Freddy Krueger. I wish you luck, young man. Thank you, Your Honor. Your Honor,

can I just make a point? You may. I just want to say that I happen to know this

gentleman. Carlos used to date my sister Celeste, okay? I recognized him

immediately, and he whispered hello to me as he passed me with his chainsaw.

Not scary.

All right. Denise.

Yeah. You and Scotty go to this haunted house? Yeah. I was freaked out. Like, I

got goosebumps, like, all over my titties.

Right. Blue floor?

It was so unexpected. It freaked me out. I've never seen a blue floor in my life.

Your Honor, can I just say one last thing? One last word. You're good.

It would be one thing if this were, like, a dollar.

But, Your Honor, we are talking about $10.

Yeah. I just want to mention that I gave that money to charity.

which is a better cost than regular money. So if you give all the money to

charity, how do you make a living?

I have rich parents.

All right. I'm going to sit on this one.

I'm writing my verdict very soon.

All right, then. Tyler, you're like me, I think, a lot. An entrepreneur,

businessman, customer satisfaction is what rules the day. But then again,

one... A person's perfectly marbled steak is another person's big, fat blob

of nothing, right?

You can't satisfy everybody.

Now, Amanda, you want your money's worth. You want to be scared. I

understand that completely. I mean, what's Easter without the eggs, right?

What's Christmas without the presents, right? What's Halloween without the

scare?

Having said all that, Carlos, put that in your mask one second.

I look kind of scary. I find it scary. I rule in favor of...

The defendant.

Amanda, you got no beef.

Tyler, I give to you two pounds of my prime veal. And Carlos, follow your

dream. You're going to be great. I know you will. I wish you the best of luck.

So he gets to keep my money and he gets free meat.

Hello?

Linden Vanderloo standing outside Lou's Meat Market. Amanda, things got pretty

scary for you in there today.

Basically, I got screwed.

Yeah.

Sucked so hard, right?

It did it did suck.

Um What is your affiliation with the deli?

I'm Lynn Vanderloo. I'm here to talk to people about their cases So a successful

day at the meat market for Tyler and Carlos. Oh, yeah, we're very happy I

worked very hard at what I do and this was great. This was great. We scare

people

The kind of thing we're looking for when they come into my houses.

Lou,

please don't draw this out.

If you're going to break the heart of a man, break the little boy's heart, do it

now.

All right.

I'm in.

You're in?

I'm in. Oh, my God, we've got to get a horse.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

My brother.

I'm going to break the shit out of that horse's hair.

And one thing led to another and we ended up having sex in the tanning bed

while it was on.

And he gave it to me for half price. I swear to God. Oh my God. What a deal.

Sexy.

I thought there might have been some, you know, dirt I missed under there,

but, you know, I remember getting this corner pretty good.

Shanice, right? Yeah. Hey, good to see you. Good to see you, too. How's it

going? Good.

Good. Nice. Good.

What brings you here?

Just getting my pasta salad, you know.

Oh, that's good. I was just sweeping up. That's kind of one of my jobs.

Yeah, it looks like you're good at it. Yeah, you're a funky chick.

Anthony, what is wrong with you? Why are you acting like that? Acting like what?

You got a crush on her or something? What?

Absolutely not. No, I don't. No, I don't.

Didn't even cross my mind. You know what I mean? In fact, yeah, you know what?

Not my type. That kind of hair and those, you know, lips and eyes and those

clothes and everything is just, you know, the combination of those is

sickening. You would not believe the lack of interest I have in you. I mean,

I would even, you know, consider changing my life and becoming a woman

and pursuing men sexually, so. All right, it's okay. I get it. Maybe he's a

little nervous. No, I'm not. Fuck you.

Don't say that. Anthony!

Fuck her, right?

Get the fuck out of here.

Nervous. That's... Yeah.

I'll call you later.

Oh, you're leaving?

Yeah. Already?

I'm leaving.

Okay. Well, good to see you, Shanice.

What are you doing?

I was flirting.

That's not flirting. What are you talking about? That's not how you flirt.

You're a terrible flirter. I don't know, Uncle Manny. She's out of my league.

Don't say that. She's not out of your league. You gotta man up, okay? Take

your brother Frankie, okay?

He gets what he wants. He doesn't care what people think. Goes, reaches out,

and grabs it.

Hey, Uncle Manny, can I borrow five bucks?

Fuck you, Frankie. You know I don't have five dollars.

I'm sorry.

serving case number 21, the brilliant Nick D'Astino, educator, has a beef with

French teacher Miss Hersowitch, who denied his request to chaperone the

girl's senior trip to France.

She says she can handle it alone.

Whatever, bitch.

All rise.

The Honorable Uncle Lou presiding. Sit down.

Deli's now in session.

What's your beef?

Okay. How about ladies first?

I don't have the beef.

What's your beef? Okay, as you know, I'm a social studies teacher. Every year,

right, they get a group of 20 senior women to go on a trip. This year, they

picked Paris, okay? They needed a chaperone. So I signed up. I'm gonna

take these 20 girls, show them Paris.

She takes my name off it.

She says I can't go on that trip. Decides to do it herself.

I think that's wrong. That's my beef. All right, so it was just gonna be you

and 20 girls? Yeah.

Why are you jumping in that rice bowl? Because they need some protection. Look

at this. This is no protection right here. She's going to handle 20 women in

Paris. They need someone who can protect them, Lou.

You all of a sudden just decided, I don't need another guy.

Well, I don't think that he's probably the best choice to be chaperoning young

ladies on a trip to Paris based on some things that have been discussed

throughout the school.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What things? I'd like to know these things. He talks to the

girls. He keeps Robin Thicke CDs and diet pills in his office just saying,

hey, come by.

You're looking a little bloated.

Whoa, whoa. I am being unjustly persecuted here. I think we all know. We

all know about the relationship with the niece when she was in high school.

Uncle Lou, you make it sound so bad. I was a senior. She was 18.

High school seniors are well-educated in the world. They watch TV. They know more

than both of us. All of us. Here, mostly.

Have you ever sat down and talked to them before?

What is your specialty with you and France and the chaperone? You know

French?

No, but I don't think she knows French either.

I'm a French teacher. Of course I know French.

All right, how about you? You know what I know? I know a bunch of greasy

Frenchmen are gonna get all over these young, nubile, supple bodies.

Huh? They got nude beaches in Paris. I'm just saying, I'm gonna protect them from

that, okay? You're gonna be on the nude beach?

Well, yeah, like I said... Are you nude?

Well, yeah, yeah, nude beach. I mean, I'm the chaperone. Just because they're

going to a nude beach, I'm going to stop being their chaperone? No, that's not

how it works. I got to be with them at all times. There's no men in Paris that

are going to be more threatening and more disgusting than you coming on to

these 20, 17-year-old seniors.

Some of them are 18.

Some of them, maybe two.

And you know what? We're not going to a nude beach just for the record. We're

going to be in the loo, okay? We're going to be walking Champs-Élysées.

You are the French teacher.

Yes, I'm the French teacher.

Coming up, more beef.

I'm like a god figure to these girls. High school girl chaperone. Is that

something anybody can sign up to do? Hey, Nick, werewolves, they'll get you.

Anthony's got a crush.

He's a little nervous. No, I'm not. Fuck you.

Ms. Herzewitz says that Nick isn't fit to chaperone the senior girl's trip to

Paris. I wouldn't do anything to those girls if they wouldn't want done to

themselves.

Okay, true story.

Last time she chaperoned group to France, she lost two of the kids. Okay,

first of all, we were in Paris.

You are forced to drink red wine at every meal.

Okay, I didn't lose them. I misplaced them. They were Natalie Holloway. They

were found.

Okay, to get them ready for this trip, she took them to the mall to Au Bon

Pain, right?

And then she gives them all unfiltered cigarettes, the colored ones. First of

all, I also let the white girl smoke, okay? I wasn't saying, I'm talking about

the blue cigarettes.

Who calls somebody colored? Ms. Hersewich, why are you being so mean to

him? Because, you know what, you think you were the first?

No, this has been going on for years, okay? You know what, I want to call

Denise as a character witness against Nick.

Well, no, no, no, no. We all know what happened between Sweater Boy and Denise

here. We don't need to hear it again.

But it has been noted, right?

Many, many times. You know, you don't need to explain our love, baby.

We have a fatal attractiveness. All right. I've made my decision.

Nicky. Yeah. You got no beef. You scumbag. You scumbag. Get out of here.

Anthony, get him out of here.

You can't. No, no. Wait.

Listen to me. No, listen to me.

I'm going on that trip.

Hey, Mr. Oshuas. Do you remember me from school?

Yeah.

Lynn Vanderloo outside Lou's Meat Market with Ms. Dertowitz.

So a successful day at the deli?

Very successful.

When you came in today, you seemed very comfortable in front of a camera. Was

this your first time?

No, I used to do some, like, modeling work in my early 20s.

I bet you did. You still have a fine figure for a mature woman.

Okay. I don't...

I don't know why you have to say mature woman. You can just say an attractive

woman. Well, you're still a very attractive, mature woman.

I just asked you not to use that word mature.

I'm trying to give you a compliment, lady.

Now, these girls have studied very hard, probably four years, a lot of them,

French. They've put in a lot of time and effort, and now they're going overseas

for the first time, probably, a lot of them, to a foreign country. What do you

think they'll be wearing when they sleep?

These girls need protection over there, you know what I mean? You know what the

French are like, and that girl, I mean, look at her.

Well, they say Paris is the city of rape.

Yeah, exactly.

That's what I'm saying. Nick, you've got a reputation in the neighborhood as a

swordsman. What's your secret?

With ladies of all ages.

You know, let them feel your affections. Let them know your warmth and that you

want to get inside of them. You know what I mean? I mean, into their hearts.

No, I understand what you meant. You meant inside their hearts. Yeah, I'm not

saying slip a digit. I'm not saying into the warehouse or anything like that. You

know, that's down the road.

Shanice, hey.

Hi. What are you doing here?

I'm just, I'm waiting for Denise.

We're going to happy hour.

Look, I want to apologize for earlier. My behavior was crass, and you don't

deserve that.

Thank you.

Look, Shanice, I know you're a beautiful girl with an amazing job and an amazing

bank. And I'm just a schlub who sweeps the floors in a deli, but... Go out with

me. Yeah?

We could go to a diner, get some food, maybe catch a movie, go to an Islanders

game. What do you say?

You're very sweet.

You are.

But, no.

You're not my type. Like, at all.

Hey.

You can still jerk off to me.

That's sweet of you. Thank you. You know what? I'm going to wait outside.

Bye.

You're not going to believe this.

Jets are having open tryouts in a half an hour. I'm taking the rest of the day

off. What is it with you, Anthony? Every day is something different. I'm an

entrepreneur, okay? I can't cut meat the rest of my life. Anthony, you've got to

stop knocking the family tradition of butchery.

You're part of this family, whether you like it or not.

I suppose you're right.

But how crazy would it be if I actually played for the Jets? I mean, seriously,

the New York Jets. I'm going to go see how this pans out, okay? I love you

guys.

Back to these cockfights. We got cocks running all over the back of the store.

Now serving case number 45.

Diane's upset because her friend Gil recommended his friend Shabli to redo

her bathroom, and now it's so bad she can't even relax enough to do her

business.

Chaplin says he's an artist and her bathroom is going to be worth thousands

when he dies. And also, what does she want for $200 anyway?

Everybody, show some respect. Stand up.

Honorable Judge Uncle Lou presiding.

Okay, everybody, go ahead. Sit down.

I know he's in session. What's your beef?

My name is Diane.

Right. And I'm a divorcee.

And I'm living alone.

And I play the Scratchers, which is perfectly legal.

And last week...

I hit the jackpot. I got $200.

And I thought to myself, what would Brad and Angie do with $200?

Who's Brad and Angie?

Angelina Jolie and Bradley Pitt.

All right. So I figure, what would Brad and Angie do with $200? They would

probably give their money to children, like in Germany or something. But I

says, you know what? I'm going to do for me. Right. So I says, I'm going to redo

my bathroom.

I says to myself, who could redo my bathroom for $200?

$200 is a lot of money for me.

So I says, my neighbor Gil. He dresses nice.

Maybe he knows somebody.

I hope you're Gil.

I am. What are you?

I'm Shibley.

I'm an artist.

I see that. What are you dressed as? This is Beach Hot.

It's a new thing.

I like it.

Them is just towels, right?

Yeah. So Gail invites Chablis to do the bathroom. His buddy, his friend.

I don't know what kind of buddy.

I don't... It doesn't matter to me. I'm not trying to incinerate that anything

is going on. For me, if you don't ask me, I'm not gonna tell you. Hold the

phone, Simone. We have a very strong bond, but it's not... Very strong bond.

It's not sexual or romantic.

Hey, well, you know, even if it was, we got no problem with that. It's 2013.

I totally get it. I say live and let live. I once had a Jewish neighbor.

All right, so, uh, Mr. Shapley, have you ever done bathrooms before?

Well, I-I did her a bathroom.

Yeah, but have you ever designed a bathroom before a bathroom?

No. And it was a nightmare walking in. You've got to understand, the things I

was working with were very, very subsidiary.

Can you describe exactly what happened to your bathroom?

Absolutely. First of all, my niece did have an abortion in that bathroom. Oh!

The word, not in the deli.

Many years ago. I knew it. And it was cleaned up by my dead husband, rest his

soul. Wait a minute.

You says you were divorced.

Now you says your husband died? What's up with that?

He wasn't a nice man.

The interest of moving on, I'll accept that answer.

So, I go in.

It looked like...

Liberace had thrown up and not in the toilet. He had one white wall, one

green wall.

Okay, Salvador Dali.

And a shower curtain with a moonscape. Are we on the moon?

No. Here's the thing. I can't even do my business anymore.

I sit in there and it's like I'm on the fucking moon.

And guess what?

There ain't no gravity on the moon.

old-fashioned, ladylike shit in my own goddamn bathroom that I pay $200

for. It's supposed to give you a feeling of floating in space and just shitting

freely into space.

Have you taken a shit in there?

Oh, yes, of course. You took a shit in my bathroom?

Yeah. Oh, that's wrong.

Coming up, more beef.

I put an old bench from Dodger Stadium.

I put it in the tub. Wait a minute. Are Brooklyn Dodgers or Nellie Dodgers?

It was from the L.A. Dodgers. Write that down, Your Honor. I'd rather not.

Anthony's got some new life goals.

How crazy would it be if I actually played for the Jets? Diane says that

Shembley's makeover has ruined more than just her bathroom. I can't take a

regular lady like shit in my own goddamn bathroom.

I had a friend at a bathroom supply place and he generously decided to give

me a penis bidet.

You pee and then you wash your penis.

Excuse me, I don't have a penis.

Case in point. That's my fault.

Because I thought she had a penis.

Do you?

No.

Just asking.

We got refurbished items.

I bought a water fountain from the city.

Used water fountain. It's very cool, very elegant.

It's covered in bird shit.

That's a drawback. You didn't wash it? That's part of the patina.

So you claim you're an artist. You got any artistic evidence there?

I am an artist.

I'm a painter. I'm a sculptor. I'm a furniture designer.

But I will show you how good I am at drawing.

I'm going to draw a picture of you. No, really?

Yes, I really am going to do that. Really? Hold on, hold on.

Oh, yeah.

That's very good. My bathroom did not look that good. Would you sign that?

I'll sign it, yeah.

Well, this is beautiful, and it inspires me to render my decision right now.

Diane, you won $200, and you made the decision to try and fix up your

bathroom. You're looking for artists, and art is in the eyes of the beholder.

Sometimes it's crap, sometimes it's genius.

Who's to say? I don't know.

Is it beautiful, is it not?

i think so someone might not say so i don't agree with the towels again maybe

it's odd but i gotta tell you you guys you're special in your own way the world

needs more years and truth be told you know if i was a younger man maybe i'd

follow that path not the unnatural thing that you guys but you know the more like

artistic thing so diane

You got no beef.

But you know what you do got? All he is? A beautiful brajol.

Oh. One. I picked it out especially. Why? Because it's in the middle. It's

all fruity and swirly with a taste of nuttiness. You know, it's like you

artist types.

All right?

Yes. We're done?

We're done.

Well done.

Thank you, Your Honor. Thank you, Your Honor.

We need some peppers.

Yeah, get some of those eggs, too.

Get some of those little pickles. Get the gelato. Sorry,

this is a store at the same time.

Lin Vanderloo outside Lou's Meat Market, chewing the fat.

It's Gil and his friend, Chablis.

Now, I've got a bathroom project of my own that needs a little remodeling, and

I'm wondering what you would do for me.

You can change the carpeting in there, and probably paint each wall a different

color.

That's what Donna described, and it sounded terrific. My bathroom's a little

bit different. It does not have carpeting currently, and it currently

doesn't have walls.

Doesn't have walls?

That sounds interesting.

It's a very open-concept bathroom.

It's basically this area here.

You live on the street. Well, technically, this isn't the street,

because I've had some problems with law enforcement before.

This is technically private property that I'm living on, but it isn't the

street.

Diane, one of the things I noticed about Lou was he paid a lot of attention to

Chablis' ensemble.

Nothing was said about this sweatshirt. What can you tell me about it? Well, it

was made in China, where all the best things are made.

It's pink, or some people would say mauve.

And it says America on it, which... Here we are.

Sure.

They make you run.

They make you run.

A lot of running.

Mostly running.

You know what happened when I couldn't throw up anymore?

Diarrhea, Denise.

Diarrhea. I mean, every hole.

Every hole.

That's what they used to call me in high school.

Oh.

Don't nobody talk to me. I'm in a bad freaking mood.

Okay, you wanna know why? Janie is having her bachelorette party in Vegas,

and Scott says I can't go because he thinks I'm gonna get in trouble, like in

the hangover.

You know, I think it's unreasonable that Scott won't let you go, because, like,

you would totally let him go. Yeah. Well, no, no, I wouldn't let him go, but

that's different because men are freaking pigs. Okay, now you're

employing a double, what's it called, when, you know... It's like when one

thing applies to one party, but it doesn't apply to the other party. Yeah,

when it should be equally applied to both parties. It's like a double

hypothetical. Double hypothetical.

Standard. Yeah, it's a standard double hypothetical.

Well, so you guys are on my side, right?

No. Absolutely not. No.

Okay, then don't nobody freaking talk to me.

You write something on this top one, it shows up on the yellow one. It's like

magic paper.

Case number four.

Paula says that Father Robbie said it was okay for her to throw a car wash in

the church parking lot for charity.

Right before it was supposed to happen, Father Robbie suddenly called the whole

thing off.

Okay, everybody stand up. The Honorable Uncle Lou presiding. Okay, everybody go

ahead and sit down.

Deli's in session.

What's your beef?

Okay, so I asked my friend, have car wash, you know, church parking lot for

charity. And he says, yes, it's a good idea.

And then, no. It was fine in the beginning.

When I found out it was a bikini car wash, that's when I had to say no. There

are no car washes in the Bible.

So, you wanted to do a car wash.

Yes. You said yes.

You then said, I want to do it in a bikini.

You said no.

You don't know what she wanted to do. She wanted to put suds down her top and

sprawl on the windshield of the car.

Excuse me, how do you know?

Did she describe to you how she did it? Yes, she did.

He made me tell him over and over and over again. I wanted to know what the

car wash was all about. It is against God. It is an abomination.

This is against God? How God made this?

Please, you're in front of other people.

Is this right for a church to be having bikini-clad women?

Luckily, I put the kibosh on it. It's for women who need money for things, for

need. All right, now. So what is this thing that you're getting money for?

It's for charity.

Right. What kind of charity are you looking at? You know, for women's needs.

Needs.

For women.

You know, like for operation.

You know, like for ass.

You know, like for boobs.

Your Honor, it's for cosmetic surgery.

Lou, I thought she was talking about abortion.

There's no reason for this. You don't need that procedure.

You have a wonderful... Your areas are fine.

That's not how you act for, you know, a long time.

Father, is something going on here between you two?

Miss Paula and I are friends.

Special friend.

How would you define special friend?

Companion, someone that I talk to, someone that I teach. He gives me hugs.

He teach me all kind, monastery position.

Missionary. And missionary, and like for wheelbarrow. Because Jesus, he has like

tools and things, and he has to do work. And so I play wheelbarrow, and he's

like for Jesus.

And then these other two guys, they come over, John and Paul. Little Gamora,

please. Well, all right, wheelbarrow.

Coming up, more beef.

It's like Noah's Ark. Guess who I am? The ref. Leaving the Ark.

Because... Oh!

Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt.

Denise's friend is having a bachelorette party in Las Vegas.

Scott says I can't go because he thinks I'm going to get in trouble like in the

hangover. It seems there's more going on between Paula and Father Robbie than a

canceled bikini car wash.

You teach me this massage bit.

I think I got the picture pretty good right now, Father.

No!

What we do is we discuss the works of the Lord over lunch in the park.

Sometimes over a frisbee.

We don't do anything untoward. I have a position in the community.

There are a lot of people that look up to me. I've seen you in our church.

You never put anything in the collection plate.

Uncle Lou, I've been trying to save money. Frank Jr. needs braces.

God doesn't need braces.

It's his fault my son's got crooked teeth to begin with.

He's a good priest. He's a good man.

Why are you parading yourself around? It's disgusting!

This is for God to make this!

I sick of you! You want me to take this off, too?

You want money,

man? For Chuck? For Chuck?

Let's cool off.

Hey, you're going to have to pay for those. You open those, you eat those,

you're going to have to pay for them. Plum cake, I'm... Why do you think I put

this whole thing together?

Huh? So I can get your attention, like maybe you look at me.

Do you have to do it this way, like Mary Magdalene, some kind of a whore? Don't

you call me that!

She was not whore, first of all. She got smear campaign.

She was!

Smear campaign! She was!

I miss your touch. I miss teaching you about the Bible.

Maybe I could do car wash in your parking lot.

That's not a bad idea, Uncle Lou.

Excuse me, excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt, okay? I'm sorry, Lou. I gotta

do this. Came to apologize to my beautiful darling girlfriend, Denise.

Sorry about my ridiculous behavior earlier. I was acting like a real

chooch. Okay, babe, you can go to Vegas.

Doesn't mean you're gonna pull a hangover.

I trust you.

You know what? I don't even want to go anymore. The idea makes me sick. Being

led into temptation like that, I probably would have done something

crazy. I would like in the hangover. I probably would have put a pair of

sunglasses on a baby or something. You know what? I ain't gonna go.

I love you, baby.

Get over here.

Oh, it's like officer and gentleman.

Guys, into the cooler.

We're glad you guys made up. It's a little hot. Let's get in that cooler.

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

What are you two doing?

Hey! Hey!

Court's still in session here.

Yes.

Now, listen to me. I usually go out there and think about what's going on,

but I don't need to do that. I'm going to render my decision right here, right

now. Now, I got to tell you, what I witnessed here today is against God.

It's got nothing to do with bubbles on this young lady in your parking lot.

It's got to do with your behavior.

So I'm going to tell you what. Neither one of you has got a beef. Just go home.

Thank you, Joanna.

Bye. Yeah.

You got your top with you? Yeah. All right, very good. Go. You won. Can I get

some turkey?

Linden Vanderloo, standing outside Lou's Meat Market. Paula and Father Robbie,

why don't you come in here and tell us how things went today? Paula, I don't

have a car.

Do you have anything else you can wash for me?

Maybe your mouth, because you're a dirty boy.

Okay, that's... I am a dirty boy.

He's so funny.

He's my favorite part. You're my favorite part of the show. Oh, thank

you, Paula, very much.

This is flirting. I can't deal with it.

I'm just making nice for politeness. Yeah, more than nice.

Any thoughts on the new pope? Anything you'd like me to tell him?

I would like him to institute a possibility.

He wants you to institute a possibility.

That priest may get married.

I don't... He says he'll think about it.

Well, that's terrific.

I thank you.

Uncle Manny, can I talk to you for a second?

Sure. So Lynn is extremely pregnant.

Of course. And somehow she got it in her head that sex is bad for the baby.

Okay. She says she doesn't want this one to turn out like Frank Jr. And honestly,

I... Can't blame him. Can't blame him for that.

But I'm a man, and I have certain needs.

I've got to build up a fluence. You've got to build up a fluence.

Yeah. You've got to release the pigeons.

Yeah. You know, I've got to throw some bread at the parade. You've got to slap

some mustard on the dog.

Yeah. I've got to buy a bag of peanuts.

You've got to wash the cat. All right. Daddy wants to make some pancakes.

You know what's fun sometimes is to make a pancake look like Mickey Mouse.

Yeah, do it. Frank Jr. likes it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway. I was wondering, any

advice on how I can sleep with my wife?

Okay, look, I don't mean any disrespect.

Yeah.

I know this is a little weird question to ask, but does she, would she,

you know, would she?

I don't know.

You know.

Manny, I don't know.

You know.

I don't know. Frank, you know. I don't know. You know. I don't know. You know.

I don't know. You know. Manny, I don't know. Would she use her mouth?

Oh!

But no she won't use the mouth the only thing she puts in there is pasta fagioli

she's blowing up like Julio's career in 1998 He was big in 1998.

Oh huge. Nobody could touch him But this is no gangsters paradise

Dan, the healer, is upset with Wendy, who didn't pay for his new-agey

services.

Wendy says the massage didn't help her at all, and she's still stressed and

needs relaxation.

Everybody, please stand.

The Honorable Uncle Lou presiding. Okay, sit down.

Dulles in session.

What's your beef?

Hello, Uncle Lou. Hey. My name is Magic Dan. I'm just a normal guy with magic

hands.

This lady came into my place of healing and asked me to give her a full Reiki

massage. Which he didn't. Wait a minute.

Let's play catch up. What's a Reiki? Reiki.

It's from the Orient, Your Honor. It's how I heal people using the energy from

my hands. Everything has a vibe. I can take that vibe, transfer it to me, and

then send it to her. But he doesn't touch at all.

It's not about touching, Uncle Lou. Have you ever seen two magnets push each

other apart?

Yeah. Well, consider me a big black magnet and her a little white one.

So you don't touch her with this?

Not per se.

But I do touch her, yes.

But you don't. But I do.

But you don't. No, I do not. And yet I do.

Look, I was stressed.

I wanted a massage.

And he did not touch me once. Not once.

Oh, yes, I did. No, you didn't. Oh, yes, I did. No, you didn't. And yet I did.

But you didn't.

Why you been so stressed out? My mom moved in with me because her ex-husband

has been on a bender, and my ex keeps calling me, and I'm like, should I

get... I just never know what to do, and so I want some relief, and then I go in

there, and I'm trying to relax, and I just take off all my clothes, and then I

laid down, and I just, like, waited, and I waited, and I felt like I was pulsing,

and I see his hands just, like, moving over me, and then that's all he did.

First of all, if you walk into the office, it's all bamboo-laden, by the

way, with mahogany, you'll see three signs. One of them will say...

Please, please do not get undressed. And then there's another sign that's right

under that saying, honestly, we would prefer that you stay clothed. And the

third one says, please remain dressed.

She did not do that. For some reason, she felt like she needed to get naked.

It's a three-sign system in my office.

I didn't see it.

Not only that, she suggested that she squirm a little while I started to reiki

her. I just like to move. It gets me into it. It makes me loose. Well, can

you maybe demonstrate how you were squirming?

Coming up, more beef.

I do touch.

But you didn't touch. No, but I did, but I didn't, no.

But I did.

But you did.

But I didn't, but I did.

Alright.

Wendy didn't get what she wanted from Magic Dan's mystical Reiki massage.

I see his hands just like moving over me, and then that's all he did. And then

he didn't touch me once, not once! She suggested that she squirm a little while

I started to Reiki her. Can you...

maybe demonstrate how you were squirming. So I'm, like, naked, right?

And then I was just like this.

Like, going like this.

But then, like, nothing, nothing, and I'd look, and then his hands were just

doing this again.

Okay, Uncle Lou, first of all, my hands were doing a lot more than that. I've

been trained in the Orient. I've been to Japan.

I've been to parts of Taiwan.

I've seen posters of other places. I know what I'm doing, ma'am. All right,

so what exactly was you going in there for? It wasn't just a massage.

Okay, look, in my religion, I am not allowed to touch down there.

But that doesn't mean that other people can't. And I needed some help, okay? I

just get so tense, and I just need to relax. You want a downstairs relaxation.

Yes, yes. I was looking for a loophole, and I thought I found it. Okay, okay.

See, now I understand what she was going for. All right. So do I. She wanted me

to give her a little bit of... Oh, God. So... She wanted some of... Mm-hmm. Mm

-hmm.

Yeah. But I won't do that.

Come on! She didn't want to just be spiritually touched. She wanted some...

Oh, God.

Yep. That's not something I am accustomed to do. Come on!

I mean, I could start in with a little.

But I would not. I mean, not for $35. That's a $50 job.

Well, why didn't you say so?

You're telling me this hocus-pocus works without touching nobody?

I would not call it hocus-pocus. I have trained in Portland. But I'm just

exchanging energy from me through her.

Come on. For instance...

May I see your hand?

Yeah.

That's what we call the hot palm. I just heated his hand up. It doesn't serve a

medical purpose or spiritual, but it's hot.

Your palm hot?

Yeah. Yeah, it's hot.

If I may approach the meat bench, Your Honor, I could demonstrate. No, I'll

approach you.

All right. You just stand anywhere that you feel comfortable. All right, I feel

comfortable here. Just stand right there. Let me help you.

Let me help you. Let me help.

You go ahead and reach down and touch your foot How's that feel?

Yeah, it does feel good now that's right key and that'll be $35

So you never touch her and she can like

Come I mean, that's not just what I do. But yes, absolutely. Is it um If you

don't touch the person at all, would it be considered?

Homosexual, if you did it to a male?

The aura does not know sexuality.

Though very often, it has a penis.

Okay, I'll think on that.

Coming up, more beef.

So, you're like kind of a medium, right? More of an extra large.

But I'm both.

Right now, what she just did was ticked off about 5,000 years of Japanese

history. Oh, the Japanese will get you for that.

Frank is backed up. Any advice on how I can sleep with my life?

Wendy didn't get the relief she wanted from Magic Dan's Ricky massage. In my

religion, I am not allowed to touch down there. But that doesn't mean that other

people can't. You're a Ricky tease. That's what you are. You're a spiritual

cock tease.

Strong words. I've been insulted.

My people have been insulted.

My way of life has been insulted.

But for 15 more dollars, I'd have curled her toes at Ricky.

I'd have had her go out and slap a traffic cop for 15 more dollars.

Yeah? I'd have had her bent over a mule with Reiki for 15 more dollars. Yeah,

why didn't you tell me that before?

You didn't read the fourth sign. The fourth sign clearly said, ask if you

want the full Reiki.

All right, I've really heard enough about booty auras and the other stuff

with the penises. I'll tell you what.

Magic Dan, you got a beef.

What? I object!

But I think between the two of yous...

For $50, you can work everything out.

On top of that, I know you're one of them veggies.

Homemade pasta salad. Thank you very much. Enjoying good health.

Thank you. We done? We're done. We're done. Thank you.

I didn't want to mention anything while Lou was out here, but he had his reiki

finger right up my butt the whole time.

Straight up it.

Ooh. Got some thinking to do.

Lynn Vanderloo outside Lou's Meat Market, chewing the fat.

Magic Dan, come on in.

Pleasure. Thank you so much. Thank you, everybody.

So, what's next for Magic Dan?

Well, I have a bus where I'm just going to go around helping people who do want

to be helped, but helping a lot of people who don't even want me to be

there. You know, it's so powerful to help people who don't want the help.

Those are the toughest people to reach. Yeah, and those are the people who need

the most help.

without even knowing it yeah sometimes if i'm sitting at a stoplight i will get

out of my car and i will go over and bang on somebody's window until until

they let me help them now when i've been at a at an intersection i have had black

guys approach me and generally they don't want to help surprisingly a full

90 and i hate to go into percentiles a full 90 of black guys who approach you

at a car they want to help you unpop your locks Roll down your windows,

spread yourself open and get ready to be helped because they will help you long

and they will help you hard.

So Wendy, we didn't hear much about your life outside of your personal problems

that you're having.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a secretary and I've been engaged four times, almost lost my virginity all

four times and then didn't. And so just been waiting.

for that special feeling, special someone.

I tell you, it feels so good when you do have that feeling with somebody.

When you get inside this area, it feels terrific.

And it's not just the one time, because what I have found is repeatedly going in

and out like this, sort of in a thrusting manner.

actually only increases the feeling. A lot of times... That sounds really nice.

A lot of times, with certain sensations, like with food, for example, you take

the first bite, and every subsequent bite doesn't taste quite as good. With

this feeling, subsequent bites actually taste better and better and better and

better and better... Really?

Until you're done.

I really gotta go find my Zidane.

Hey, Manny. I don't want you to worry about me.

I took care of it. You got Lin to change your mind?

No way. Give Magic Dan 50 bucks, no touching, not gay.

Money well spent. I think so.

Hey, mom's the word.

We'll see.

That's what a date is.

I know.

So what's serious with this guy? I don't know, maybe. So I don't know how I lost

that race. How are you going to bet on a horse named Jinx? Hey!

You guys planning a murder?

What's the whisper?

What's going on? What are you talking about? Denise went on a date with her

old high school teacher, Nick.

Ooh. Hey, what about Scott?

If Scott wants to be exclusive, he needs to put a ring on it. Oh, there you go

again. Everyone wants to be Beyonce.

Yeah, I went to high school with Nick. He's a real douchebag. Know it all.

Who cares?

Okay, we have a fatal attractiveness.

And if you tell Uncle Lou, I'll tell Lynn you was smoking the pot at lunch.

Don't. Please.

And you need an Uncle Manny because I will tell him that you lost his

investment money.

Denise, sweetheart, don't do that. That was a sure bet. What's a sure bet?

Not sure bet. Sure bet. The dessert.

Denise was at Mama Ramona's. Thought she had a gelato. She didn't. She had a sure

bet. That's what you heard. Sure bet.

Oh, I didn't know that. Sure bet.

Oh, okay.

I smell smoke.

Are you?

Hmm? You know, it might be, uh, because I was walking to work today and I saw

these guys burning a skunk. Sons of bitches.

It's these damn Wiccan hipsters. You know, like, uh, steampunk's not enough

for them. Now they gotta be witches.

Case number 87.

Nanette says her boyfriend Troy took it upon himself to delete the Real

Housewives of Atlanta from the DVR series manager.

Troy claims that over half of the shows on the to-do list are hers and that he

thought that canceling it for a Ryan Gosling movie would be okay.

Okay, everybody stand up.

The Honorable Uncle Lou presiding.

Okay, everybody sit down.

Belly's now in session.

What's your beef?

Well, I got a lot of beef because he deleted the Real Housewives of Atlanta.

season finale off of our series manager.

Okay? I couldn't watch Phaedra Parks embalm her dog.

I didn't even get to see Kim Zolciak's wig room.

He did this without your knowledge? Without my knowledge. He knows how much

I like to drink a nice glass of white wine, sit on the couch, and watch The

Real Housewives of Atlanta.

All right, very good. Troy, why would you jump in there and just delete willy

-nilly what you know she wants to watch?

I was doing this for her sake so that she could appreciate a fine piece of

cinema. Which...

Ryan Gosling, this is his tour de force performance, Crazy Stupid Love, so you

can understand my situation.

What is that?

Ryan Gosling has the most abs he's ever had in it. I counted 12.

He kind of got to do something fun and silly this time. It's not just silly,

it's much more than a silly comedy. What's it called?

Crazy Stupid Love.

Who is this guy?

Lars and the Real Girl.

He was in one of the Lord of the Rings.

He's in a lot of like baseball movies.

He's been in none of those movies. How do you not know who Ryan Gosling is?

Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to calm down. I'm going to have to take you

out back and hold you in contempt at the court. You're taking this a little

personal. Can I interrupt here a little bit? Because Ryan Gosling is an

obsession with him. An obsession.

He puts it on me like, oh yeah, don't you really want to watch stupid, crazy,

stupid, stupid love?

You're intentionally screwing up the title of the movie just to insult me.

That's the kind of stuff she does. He's obsessed with Ryan Gosling. He wears

that stupid jacket, the drive jacket. He drives a freaking Tercel with a stupid

jacket on. He looks like an idiot.

Arrest me for driving a Tercel. No, but why are you going to wear a racing

jacket in a stupid car?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was communist China where you can't drive a

Tercel and wear a scorpion racing jacket.

Call yourself Gosling when you're cruising around. Who cares?

Your Honor, as a point of evidence, Ryan Gosling is an American treasure.

He's a perfect blend of talent and charm, and people should be exposed to

it. Sometimes you need someone to say, wake up, look what's right in front of

you. Crazy, stupid, love is.

Hey, wake up, look what's right in front of you. Me.

Hello?

All right.

Ryan Gosling is a very talented man, okay? This is not Ed Norton we're

talking about. What has he given us? The notebook.

Drive.

Lars and the real girl.

Blue Valentine.

Someone wrote an ugly role for him, and he still pulled it off.

I prefer Knights and Rodanthe.

Coming up, more beef.

I got a surprise witness.

Troy, seek help. Don't judge me.

This is very upsetting.

Happy birthday, you guys.

The gang are keeping secrets from Lou.

Nanette says Troy's Ryan Gosling obsession is going too far.

Your Honor, Ryan Gosling is an American treasure.

People should be exposed to it.

Look, I understand where you're coming from. You went through the Mark Ruffalo

thing. You went through the Mark Ruffalo thing. You watched Blindness, and you

were like, oh, my God, he's so vulnerable.

He's so vulnerable.

We went through that together.

All of us said he was vulnerable. He was vulnerable, but I'm saying you're

getting obsessed with these people. I don't know if you want to, like, have

sex with them. You know what I'm saying? I mean, I mean I'm being hyperbolic, but

I'm just telling you. That's a whole different case. Come on, like I could

ever have sex with Ryan Gosling. Are you kidding me?

Listen to that laugh. What?

Could I?

I don't want to know.

No, probably not.

This is very upsetting.

Is there anything else you'd like to introduce into evidence, either one of

yous? Yeah. I got a surprise witness.

Remember Debbie?

Debbie Gosling? Remember her?

Come on out, Debbie.

Hi, Nanette. Excuse me. Excuse me. Who are you?

I used to date Troy. All right. My last name is Gosling. As in? As in Ryan

Gosling. Right. Are you related?

No. If you go back far enough, probably.

No, we're not related.

Pull back far enough, it's a small world.

Go on.

So we met at a wedding. Right.

He had my name card in his hand.

He already wanted to go out with me after he saw my name. I put all this

together, by the way, after we broke up. Ah.

For a six-month anniversary, he had us go see Drive three times in the theater.

It's a good movie, but... Right. Three times.

Yeah. So good.

You're such a freak.

You know, it feels like I'm on trial here. You are.

Ah. So how did the relationship end?

When our cat, Ryan Gosling, died, our whole relationship kind of fell apart.

And then I realized he was a freak.

The cat?

No, Troy.

I didn't think you were going to bring up Ryan Gosling.

Which one?

The cat.

Okay, I'll tell you what, I've heard enough. I'm going to deliberate on this.

Can everybody stand up?

Can everybody sit down?

You had to bring up Ryan Gosling.

Man, you're a freaking weirdo, dude.

Everybody stand up.

Honourable Uncle Lou's done thinking about it, and he's back. This has been a

very difficult case. Now, Troy, listen to me.

A good relationship is about trust, because in the end there, Troy, you just

can't keep secrets.

It's not healthy, especially if you're calling yourself a family or in a

relationship or what have you, whatever you want to call it. For example, Denise

here, she's seeing an old high school teacher of hers who's way older than she

is. She's keeping it a secret from me. Frankie here, he smokes dope out in the

parking lot. He's keeping it from me. Not very healthy.

My brother.

He wanted me to invest in a horse.

Lost all my money right down the shitter. He doesn't have the balls to

come up and tell me.

Not healthy.

I didn't mean it. You understand what I'm getting at? A good relationship

that's healthy is about not keeping secrets.

Even if it is about a deep feeling for this Brian Gooselig, who apparently

is a very terrific actor. And, you know, I'm going to see some of his movies. If

there's one thing that comes out of this, please see his movies.

That's the one thing. So, having said all that, I find for the plaintiff, you

got a beef.

Enjoy. Mozzarella.

It's fresh.

Troy. Thank you, Lou. Seek help.

For what?

Lynn Vanderloo outside Lou's Meat Market. Let's meet Nanette and her

friend Debbie. Congratulations.

Thank you. I mean, what's up with your boyfriend?

I know. I know. It's ridiculous, right? I mean, he's going to fix it. Trust me,

we have things to talk about.

Debbie, what do you think?

I think he is obsessed with Ryan Gosling and wants to have sex with him. He wants

to have sex with Ryan Gosling.

I think you got robbed in there.

Well, I appreciate you saying that. Someone who has a level head and, you

know, gets it, see things the way that I see them, which is through Gosling

-colored glasses.

I would watch a Gosling movie with you. Yeah, I would love to watch a Gosling

movie. You want to go somewhere and watch a movie?

Sure, I got nothing. Where do you live?

I am west side of town.

Okay. Where do you live at?

I live in a different part of town.

Where's that? Around here.

Are we going to go to your place? Well, I think we'll go to your place this

time. You want to take your car? Let's take your car this time. I drive a

moped. Okay, that's fine. Let's do this.

Hey, Uncle Luke. You eat it all the time. What do you want? Get ready to

thank me because I got a million dollar idea for you. Oh, do you? All right,

yeah. Three of us, right? We went to this club last night, club banging.

Had the time of our lives. Goodie.

Bar tab was what? 80, 90 bucks? Oh!

Right? So we was thinking, what if we opened our own club? Where?

Right here.

What are you talking about? It's a deli. Yeah, it's a deli during the day, but at

night it's just sitting here not making any money. Exactly. This is wasted space

at night. We could have an OTB television. OTB TV right there. Right

there. I will... make some of my signature cocktails right there behind

the bar? So the bar will be here? Yeah, of course.

Good,

maybe some illegal card games in the back? What are we gonna call it? What

are we gonna call it? Uh, uh, uh, the meat market!

Guys,

get back to work!

What's the matter with you?

If you were at all serious about calling at the meat market, we could spell meat

M-E-E-T instead of M-E-A-T. Stack the crates in the back. Yes, sir.

Case number 78.

Donnie claims at his own 41st birthday party, Phil and Nancy invited people he

didn't know, hijacked a karaoke, and didn't leave a dime.

Phil and Nancy claim if Donnie was their real friend, he would want their musical

comedy talent showcased to people that make careers.

Okay, everybody stand up.

The Honorable Uncle Lou presiding. Okay, everybody, sit down.

Dollar's now in session.

What's your beef?

Your Honor, Lou, I was celebrating my 41st birthday at a local place, Hits and

Tits, karaoke and topless. It's a great combination, fun for everybody.

And I invited my friends, Bill and Nancy, to come.

We have a bit of a history together. I think I should mention that.

I dated both of them briefly, and we were all in the drama club together.

Excuse me, you dated her?

I dated her, but I also had... And then we briefly had an entanglement.

The theater.

Yeah, we were in the drama club. I do need to emphasize that.

Drama club is like that. It was completely okay. You have to give

yourself over to it. So, on your 31st birthday, you invited them. I invited

them. These guys come in with an entourage like I've never seen, and we

wouldn't be here. We invited tops.

22 people from our scene study class.

23 people. 23.

Tops 23 and a couple of casting directors.

I bartend sometimes in the theater district in Manhattan.

And sometimes industry folks come in and sometimes they are exchanging business

cards. Sometimes those cards fall on the ground.

And then I invite them to some of our showcases. So you guys were there to

perform?

Well, everyone was there to perform, Your Honor. The birthday boy was singing

Creed and both parts of Paradise by the Dashboard Light, which I think everyone

can agree is just rude. It's my night.

I'm paying for it. I'm going to sing both parts.

That's seven and a half minutes of just him on stage. I know it is birthday, but

come on. So you got up there on stage and you started singing.

He didn't say start singing. He said you started singing. Right. We started

singing and then, right. Well, they didn't have a... Okay, that's an

original. Part of our gift, and I think it was misunderstood, was a performance

for his 41st birthday.

He is 41 right now, and then he'll be 42, maybe.

My sub-beef is that they have not worked out the song, as they have not worked it

out right now.

It's a work in progress. The song was in previews.

So they went to your last birthday.

Yes, they did. And this time, they basically just stormed the castle. We

did Sunrise Sunset from Fiddler. Can I finish? I'm trying to make an analogy

between this and my being in my castle of the 44th birthday, okay? They stormed

my 41st castle, and I didn't have my knights to fight them, okay?

So I'm there all alone with a crossbow, trying to fight off these demon dogs of

song, and the whole evening is ruined. And I think I made a perfectly...

We've turned the corner from analogy to metaphor, Your Honor. You're the soul of

a poet, honestly. In the words of Anne Hathaway's acceptance speech from the

2012 Oscars for Les Miserables, it really came true.

It doesn't apply.

That completely applies to me. It doesn't apply to me. Coming up, more

beef. They had gotten their clients roles in Martin Scorsese's movies.

Scorsese. Scorsese. Scorsese.

I think it's Scorsese.

Excuse me, I'm Italian, don't correct me.

Donnie says that Phil and Nancy hijacked his karaoke birthday party. They turned

it into a showcase for themselves.

He didn't say start singing. Right. All right, so you two are obviously like

showbiz types. That's right. What do you do?

Well, presently, sir, I'm working for my girlfriend's father as an insurance

business, so I'm doing cold calls for that. So you got a girlfriend?

Yeah, I do.

Okay. Her name is Robin.

All right. It's a girl.

So what kind of talent agencies were these people?

They had succeeded in getting a couple of their clients under five roles in

Martin Scorsese's movies.

Scorsese. What's an under five role? Five or fewer lines.

Lines. Really? Yeah.

Look at that.

I myself received an under five role. Would you like to hear my line right

now? Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Hey, that's my cab.

That's Alec Baldwin. He's getting into the cab and she's...

It got cut out because she made eye contact with the camera over and over

again, and it was useless footage. Well, it's important to know where it is.

Hey, that's my cab. You're doing it right now. You're doing it right now.

What's important, Your Honor, and I think what we're overlooking here is

that they hijacked my night, and I didn't get the opportunity to chase my

dream. It's because you live your life in fear. No.

I've made some choices, and Robin and I are very, very happy.

And now that my illness is cleared up, I'm just on straight and narrow, and I'm

very happy selling insurance over the phone.

If I could write a musical about a man who sold insurance, it would sound like

this. Insurance during the day.

That's what I do. It's got the same song. And I'm playing with myself.

I'm not playing with you. I don't sell insurance just because I need to. I do

it because I love it. I do it because I love it.

Do you want to save some money on your premium?

Answer my question. You hung up sad.

See? Thank you. Where has he been?

I'll say.

That was very nice.

Thank you. So that would have happened on my night if I was allowed to. In the

words of Maren Mazzie during her 1998 Tony acceptance speech.

Oh, I love this.

We're all the same color on the inside.

It's so doesn't pertain but still does kind of pertain it does if I may a lot

of this goes back to 1990 When Donnie was supposed to be the actual fiddler in

the okay, but he kept falling off the roof. Here. We go has vertigo They gave

the role to me. How is that my fault?

If you are my friend you would have stood by me No

jazz hands don't jazz hands at uncle Lou

Well seems from the Cooler cam everything is lovey-dovey. Yeah, we were

just talking now. No, I know

I saw it. It was close to each other. Please. Okay.

Drama club.

Still, Phil and Nancy owe Donnie a dinner.

Donnie, you got a beef.

You get some prosciutto, because let's face it, you're all a bunch of ham.

So funny.

Showbiz folks, they're weird.

Tell me a little bit about your girlfriend, Robin. Oh, Robin's great.

skin and her hair is just, you know, she's a girl. I'd love to meet her. I

don't think she wants to come. It's a little too masculine an environment for

her.

Her.

So.

So Donnie, when you were younger, you wanted to be an actor. Yeah. What

happened to your dream?

I got sick.

I caught a

I caught a bad cold that compromised my immune system, and I had to bow out of

the theater scene for a while. Right. Well, good luck with your AIDS, Donnie.

It's not AIDS.

No, I thought we were going to go into the minor bridge. Oh my gosh, okay.

We're going to the minor bridge. I thought we discussed before that we were

going to put out the bridge completely. I think there's a song that needs a

bridge. Without a bridge, everyone drowns. I know, people live under the

bridge sometimes.

You smell a lot like pee.

Not mine.

You fascinate me.

All right, bottom of the ninth.

Base is loaded.

Right steps to the plate.

Come on, Denise is supposed to be the catcher.

Catching any thing. What do you think, life is just one big Daniel Tosh skit? I

love Daniel Tosh. Yeah, he's random. What's up your skirt? I know it's not

Scott with his limp dick.

You guys promise to keep a secret?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

I think I might be pregnant.

What? Have you told Scott yet?

It ain't Scott's.

What the? Are you serious? How do you know?

Scott and I don't do it like that. I've told him I'm saving myself.

You and Scott haven't done it yet? We do it the other way.

What other way?

Oh, for Christ's sake. Come on. You're my sister.

If it's not Scott's, then whose is it?

It's Nick's. That's... Oh, God.

Get him. I'm going to kill him. We stay away from him.

Okay? We have a fatal attractiveness to each other. You mentioned that before.

Hey. Hey.

Why don't you set up the shop?

We're just having, like, a meeting.

Inventory.

Set up the shop.

Charles and Audrey say Pat offered them a dance lesson which ended in injury

because Pat don't know squat.

Pat says Charles just wasn't focused enough.

Okay, everybody stand up. The Honorable Judge Uncle Lou presiding.

Okay, everybody go ahead and sit down.

Again, Pat.

Billy's in session with your beef.

Okay, Your Honor, a slight preface. My beautiful wife, Audrey, is substantially

my junior.

We have a May-September relationship.

Love knows no calendar.

Love doesn't have a calendar is what we always... We actually have a calendar

that says that in our house. I've known Pat for a long time. Pat, I can feel his

eyes on me. Is he allowed to do that?

What? Lou, I'm just looking around the room, Lou. I can feel his murder eyes. I

can feel his murder eyes. I can't turn appropriately, obviously, because of my

terrible injury. But I can feel his murder eyes trying to murder me from

over there. Do you feel that? I felt it.

Did I say that we have a May-September relationship? You did. Let's get to the

B. Okay. Our sex life, lackluster is an understatement. Well, not always.

I just don't want you to be so hard on yourself all the time. I have some

performance issues.

A couple of performance issues. I have some follow-through issues. I have some

intimacy issues.

You don't have to say them. I'm just saying. And then, of course, just

straight-up equipment failure on some level. I'll tell you what.

You hang tight.

Pat. What's going on?

Okay, thank you.

I'm not gonna tell you about the history of our marriage or... It's good.

We love each other. He's a very graceful lover.

We was on a double date.

They mentioned they wanted to learn to dance. Is that true?

Yes. All right, continue.

I offered to teach them how to dance. The cha-cha. The cha-cha. Sure. It's one

of the easiest dances in the world. Did you tell them you were an expert in the

cha-cha? The fine expert.

You define expert.

So now you're on a double date. What happened? We're watching So You Think

You Can Dance. The best show. The best show. The best show, okay?

Oh my God, it is so good.

Obviously we're not arguing that. Obviously we're not arguing that. Okay,

honey. There you go, baby.

I'm sorry about my performance issues and issues. We've been there.

So we gotta keep hearing about it. We retire.

to the weight room slash garage slash, I was just calling it at the time, the

dance studio, which is full of workout equipment and a weight bar specifically.

It does too many things, this room. It's a garage, it's a weight studio, and a

dance studio. What are you, a multi-purpose room?

It can only be two things, max.

Define dance studio.

Your Honor, if I had a time machine, I would never go take this lesson. I would

go back and kill Hitler if I had a time machine.

Thank you.

I'm a good person. You're a wonderful man. Kill Hitler.

We're human beings.

Coming up, more beef.

Here's how the incident... This is, by the way, if you had a time machine, this

is what would happen.

No, if you had a time machine... We'd kill Hitler. Hitler, okay.

And Mussolini.

Charles got injured during Pat's cha-cha lesson.

Did you tell him you were an expert? A fine expert.

But Charles has other stuff he wants to talk about.

Our sex life, I have some performance issues.

Let's get to the beat. Okay.

You've had your double date.

Yes. He mentions Cha-Cha. Yes. Because of that show.

So you think you can dance the best show? It's the best fucking show!

It's the best fucking show on TV!

So, you go back to Pat's...

Garage slash dance studio. We enter the garage.

We have a lackluster sex life. I've known Pat since we were altar boys. I

tell you what, gentlemen, why don't you show me what the charge is? Oh, Lou,

these floors aren't... Oh, they're safer.

Now he cares about the floors. Now he's concerned about safety. Yeah, exactly.

This isn't a good replication of my garage, is what I'm saying. All right.

Now I say, may I approach you for this dance?

And I say, of course, good sir.

Yes. And his hand goes on my hip. Yep. And that goes up there because I'm the

lady. Guys, show me the cha-cha already. Come on.

One, two, cha-cha-cha.

Two, two, cha-cha-cha.

This is all he taught me, sir. It's a very simple dance. That's the cha-cha.

All you did was stand there stomping your feet yelling cha-cha-cha.

That's a cha-cha, Lou.

So where'd you get this injury?

They begin to cha-cha. But it's the first time he's ever done it. And...

It's a little dark. Not all the light bulbs were in. I'm not telling you how

to run your household. Yeah, yeah, you are. But not all the light bulbs were

on. I mean, come on.

Define light bulb. Do not define light bulb.

He could.

I'm sure of it.

Edison had toiled for years. You see this?

Anyway, they were dancing around, pitch black, basically.

Oh, come on.

Cut to, as they say in the movies... She's the best. If I could perform

sexually the level that she deserves... Honey, it's irrelevant to the... So

anyway, the dancing, the cha-cha, and then the floor, slick, slippery.

Then... There's a weight bench.

Weight bench. Right behind him. He's in charge. He's the man.

Yeah. He's driving me back towards this weight bench. I don't know. I'm just a

young, innocent damsel. That's right. Hit the weight bench. Weight bench

collapses. Broke it.

You broke the weight bench. I did not. The weight bench was already broken,

sir. Is that true?

Slightly. This is a shoddily made weight bench. It's made by children in China,

probably, something like that.

Define Chinese.

Don't define Chinese. Let's move on. You could.

I could. You could do it easily.

Moving the story along. So now... Everyone's just looking right at them.

People do tend to look at me.

She is a nubile young lady. If I could perform the way that she deserves, but I

have a problem. When I get an erection, I automatically urinate.

It's it's terrifying for some people Apparently it relates to my just let me

just get it out there. So everybody Don't let the erection out. I don't want

to hear the erection story Lou imagine what you could do with this if you had

the powers through the powers of an even ordinary man Can we get to my beef which

is? that the reason he slipped in the first place, he was busy trying to sell

me a water filter.

Hold on. This is new evidence.

That's not 100% true. That's not true.

Were you not trying to sell your filters to Pat over here while you were doing

the cha-cha?

Simple question. My wife is much younger than me. Excuse me, sir.

I don't want to hear the erection no more.

There's another problem. No. Keep the erection in your mouth.

Now, were you or were you not trying to sell Pat here some water filters while

you were doing the cha-cha?

Define selling.

Coming up, more beef.

Water of my testicles is enormous.

Don't you think they should pay people with carrots?

Where's the beef?

Denise thinks she's priggers.

We told Scott yet?

It ain't Scott's. What? We're on a double date. What happened? We're

watching So You Think You Can Dance.

Charles got injured dancing with Pat.

Most men are born with a muscle at the base, basically, of the penis. I don't

want to hear the erection no more.

Pat? Yo. Anything else to add here?

I'm just guilty of being a friend.

Wow. And loving So You Think You Can Dance, which is the best show on TV.

We're not. I don't want to hang on.

We can't argue about it. It's impossible. It's the best show. It's the

best show on TV.

It's a splendid show. We agree.

We all agree. It's a great show.

All right. We're now going to retire to contemplate this case.

Okay, everybody, go ahead and stand up.

Okay, sit back down.

I love you. I love you. I love you. Both of you. You guys are coming over, right?

Of course. Of course we are. You look beautiful. Thank you.

Okay, so Lou's done thinking about it. Everybody stand up.

Okay, everybody sit back down. Well, to be honest, after not much deliberation,

because, Pat, you are such a pain in my balls, Audrey and Charles, you got a

beef. I can't hold you up. Now, listen to me. I don't do this very often, but

I'm going to give you this beautiful lamb, because you two, you obviously

love each other. You're very loving.

It's May, September.

You need to be gentle with each other. And, Charles, you got to be gentle with

yourself. So you got to pee an erection. It don't matter.

He's right. You're still a man.

He's exactly right.

All right. There you are.

And I don't want to hear about no more classes in your garage, Pat.

Hopefully you won't have to. I'll make sure of it. All right. Thank you. You

put up a sign for Zumba. You're a good woman. You should tell him now if you

don't want him to do it.

Charles, we're done now. He's got a Zumba sign up. Listen, we got our lamb.

It's for me. I Zumba.

Okay. Are we done?

We're done. Well done.

Love you. Love you so much.

Yeah, come on.

Lynn Vanderloo standing outside Lou's Meat Market. Charles and Audrey, come on

in, guys.

So I guess my first question for the both of you is, can you describe the

nature of your relationship?

Sure. Honey?

It's May, September.

She being the May. I mean, a normal man would go crazy with this. I know I'm

going crazy over here.

I can't do that. Yeah, I can't do that, of course.

Art is a rock. Yeah.

Now, Charles, I know you sell water filtration systems. Most of the water in

your house, you've got a million toxins. It's poison.

Straight poison. I've been making that argument for years.

That the water in our rivers and streams and that comes out of our faucets is

literally poison put there by the government to give us AIDS. And that's

why so many babies are dying.

Did you know that?

I'm going to Google that as soon as I get home. Pat and Gina.

Gina and Pat.

Hey, Liz.

Is he okay?

I have Hep C.

I know Lou told you not to teach any more classes in your garage.

What's your best class?

I'd say physics.

Physics? Jesus Christ, Lynn.

Well, as always, I wish you the best.

With your classes.

You guys, I took the test.

I ain't with child.

Hey!

Hey,

Scotty! Hey, Scotty!

Coming for a black and white and I get a celebration, huh?

Whoa, whoa.

What's this all about?

I'm ready to do it the other way. I thought we were doing it the other way.

Not the other other way.

What are you talking about? The back or the front? The original way.

Let's go.

All right, see you, Scotty. Good to see you.

Congratulations, Denise.

Hello?

Daddy's right here.

Benny, it's for you. Village people, they want their pants back.

Good. Good, good.

Uh, just so you guys know, I happen to be putting myself out there back into

the dating pool, and I think these look fantastic.

Manny? Yeah? Hey, Godspeed and, uh, good luck there, huh? Yeah, it's really good.

You haven't dated anybody since Maureen.

Oh, yeah, Maureen. That's the one you met at the off-track wedding? Yeah.

She's the one that drained your bank account.

She stole your Seiko, right? That's right. The one that just broke my heart

and took my bank account and took my Seiko. Yeah. That was a great watch.

Had a light on it.

I'm not gonna think about it anymore. I'm just gonna sit down.

I'll work on my forms.

We'll be good to go.

Now serving case number 94.

Mama Ramona's waiter, Clovis, feels he was discriminated against when he was

fired by his boss, Mr. Ritchie.

Mr. Ritchie insists that Clovis' condition makes it very difficult for

their customers to like him, therefore, not good for business.

Okay, everybody stand up. The Honorable Uncle Lou presiding. Okay, everybody sit

down. Deli's now in session.

What's your beef?

Uh, hello. Hello, sir. I'm here because, um, I believe I was fired from my

position in Mama Ramona's restaurant with, uh, unjust cause and prejudice

because of my, uh, propylactylalia condition.

Which means that I, uh, basically, I have a condition where I scream out

words involuntarily, and, uh, it's an affliction of my life that I have to

deal with every day.

Well, you got a say about that.

Look, Mr. Liu, we've been running the restaurant since 1946. We've never fired

a wait staff.

But I can't have a waiter, poor Clover's here, nice boy, screaming the C word

every couple of minutes in front of the customer. Correct.

What?

I'm sorry, sir. All right, so that's my condition. I involuntarily can't scream

out words.

It's going to happen continually, and I have to apologize for all of them right

now. It doesn't reflect how I feel about you or about the proceedings, Kent.

Hey, watch your mouth.

It's a place of business. Watch your mouth.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to show any disrespect.

I love women. I hate this word.

It's right. He's a good boy. More than the evil one himself, sir. I hate this

word. It's because of my condition, not because of any malice in my heart, Kent.

What's the matter with you?

It's what I have to deal with every day. I had a customer who got a third-degree

burn one time when he said the C word because they were so startled.

I almost got a lawsuit, and I can't do that. Sir, I've always said that tomato

sauce is too hot, and I don't know why we bring it in a gravy boat. I don't

know why.

There's plenty of food. The food is prepared beautifully the first time in

the kitchen.

You know?

Um, Kent.

I just want to say he's really good at grading the parmesan, right, you know?

He does a scrape, scrape, tap.

There's a nod to that. There's a skill. And he's really good at it. I love my

job, sir. I play with the customers. You know, if there's a kid at the table, I

say, it looks like you brought the meatball already.

And then I always get in and I do the mouth.

And, you know, I love my job at Mama Ramona's, and I don't want to lose it,

Kent. Well, you seem like a fine young man.

You take your job seriously, according to him. You're very good at your job.

You wore your uniform here today. No, sir. No, this is a... I bought this for

the proceedings today out of respect.

Oh. We wear Hawaiian shirts at the restaurant. It's a Hawaiian-Italian

restaurant. Italian food with a Hawaiian spin. It's a fun environment. You know,

we got pineapple gnocchi. What about that one time when someone, that one

woman asked you what the specimens were? What'd you say?

Oh, that cunt came into the place.

Let's keep him to the involuntary ones, okay?

Well, that was one time, sir. So was he born this way, or, uh, what, you get an

infection or something?

Basically, it was an unfortunate accident that happened with my cousin

LJ, who's just this...

Big guy, you know, he's a big meatball, and, like, we thought we would reenact,

like, the UFC 112 fight.

You know, I'm Matt Veach, he's Paul Kelly. He gets me in the guillotine

choke, and he just, like, hangs on. He just hangs on too tight and just for too

long, and then I black out. And when I come to, I got my whole life in

shambles, basically. That's the story.

Can't. And I want to die. Can't.

Part of me wishes he would have finished me off, you know, the same way I wish

that Paul Kelly would have finished Matt Veach off there. Meatball, you know,

he's always running his mouth. Yeah, let's not say that.

Coming up, more beef.

You can't be blurting out that word in front of the little kids. I'm hoping

that word will become more accepted in years to come.

Can't. What?

Clovis has a problem.

I involuntarily can't scream out words. Hey! But he says it shouldn't have cost

him his job at Mama Ramona's restaurant.

Can't. What's the matter with you?

It's what I have to deal with every day.

Is there some other position that maybe we could put Clovis in here? Well, I

mean, I was thinking about putting him in the back. My place is up front, sir.

I'm a waiter till I die.

Or I get a better job.

I'm a people person, sir. I belong up front with the kids, with these little

meatballs. I don't want to have to lose them because I keep...

Betraying myself. Look, maybe we can find a compromise.

I mean, can't you put your hand over your mouth before this word comes out?

Sir, I wish it was that simple, but I'm not in any... I don't have any control

over when I say it, and I don't have, uh... There's no real warning, really,

for when it's gonna come out. You know, it's like closing the barn door after

the horses ran out. The horses were cats.

Excuse me, sir. Wait a second. You said that one on purpose. That one made sense

in a sentence.

No, sir, I promise you.

Cut. I did not mean to use that word. I meant to say the horses were seawards.

I understand.

We'll let it slide.

Cut. You looked me in the eye when you said it that time. It's like you were

saying it to me. I'm sorry. I was looking you in the eye at the moment.

Cut. And it just, you know, I'm sorry. I don't have any control. I appreciate

you. I respect you.

Uncle Louie's fucking faking it. You say that to me one more time, I'll break

your fucking neck.

I promise you I'm not doing it on purpose.

Cut. I'm sorry. Lou, I swear to God, I have so much respect for this courtroom,

but this little asshole?

Go to the cooler. I understand you're upset. I'm going to the cooler. Go to

the cooler.

Put me in the cooler. Put me in the cooler.

Call me a cunt.

He's the cunt.

Jesse Eisenberg looking fucked. He called me the C word on purpose.

The sentence made sense.

I'm just sorry that he had to get sent back there because of me.

You made me put him in the cooler?

Okay. Okay, motherfucker.

Sir, I'm sorry. You want me to put you in the cooler with him?

I'm a cunt.

I'm a cunt.

You're a cunt.

What'd you say, cunt?

You looking at me, you cunt? I got a condition I can't control, sir, and, you

know, if I gotta go stick my face in a pillow someplace, I'll do it.

I'm gonna deliberate.

Hey, you should keep me in here for a little bit longer.

I like it in here.

I'm the king of the cooler.

Okay, I'm cool.

Okay, uh, mean Uncle Lou talked, and, uh, he's done thinking about this little

piece of shit, so, uh, stand up.

Okay, sit down.

Now, in this particular case, I had to dig deep, go into local, state, and

federal statutes, and I found that you cannot discriminate against someone

because of the color of their skin, creed, which means what you believe, uh,

your sexual preference, and... Stop saying that, motherfucker!

Whatever. So, I'm sorry, but I got a rule in favor of Clovis. Are you kidding

me? You got a beef.

You also got a Genoa salami. Enjoy.

It's ridiculous.

Richie, I'm gonna be so good for you. I'm gonna put my heart into that job.

Thank you, cunt.

Richie, you're a bigger cunt than he is, you fucking meatball. Hey, what the

fuck? Are you kidding me?

Seems like a nice kid.

Lynn Vanderloo, standing outside Lou's Meat Market, where we're about to meet

today's plaintiff, the winner in today's case, Clovis.

Congratulations. Hey, Lynn. Thank you. So, kind of a tough case today. You came

in, you presented an unusual case for Lou, but in the end, you were

victorious. What was your strategy?

Uh, basically, yeah, that's right. Basically, uh, cunt, I just, you know, I

just... Cunt.

Cunt.

Cunt. Basically, I told him, like, hey, I don't mean to cunt. Cunt. To be doing

this and, like, you know, the cunt, like, basically says to me, you know,

it's cool, it's cool, like, it's not your fault, whatever. He, like,

understood where I was coming from and stuff, yeah. No, he's a good fucking

cunt.

Cunt. Cunt.

All right, now let's meet today's loser, the defendant, Richie Ramona.

Well... I don't like being called a loser.

I just...funk you, you piece of shit.

Well, this has been...

Keith is a cheapskate who embarrassed him during a trip to Yankee Stadium.

Keith says he did what Scott asked since Scott just needs to chew the X.

Okay, everybody stand up. The Honorable Uncle Lou presiding.

Okay, everybody go ahead and sit down.

What's your beef?

Hey, Uncle Lou, thanks for having me here. Don't call me that.

Okay, this is one of my best friends right here, Keith. I've known him my

whole life. Right. Okay,

so it's his birthday, so I get him a gratis Yankee ticket. All right, that

means free.

How did you score two Yankee tickets?

I got them from Manny. I won them from Fat Tony when I sucked him out of the

river with an inside straight. But I hate the Yanks, so, you know.

Thanks for the tickets, bud. Whatever. Go Mets. Go Yanks.

So, you know, we're having a nice time. We're having fun. All I ask is that he

pays for a beer and some nuts.

Because that's like a nice gesture to do.

Did you concur? You were having a nice time up until that time? I was having a

great time. It was a great game. It was a really great game. Did you pay for the

beer and the nuts? Yeah, I bought exactly the beer and the nuts.

What's the beef?

He didn't tip at all.

That's not your beef. That's the vendor's beef. No, that's my beef. He

made us look like a couple of meatballs.

Did I? Did I make us look like meatballs? Or did I make us look like

people who pay money for beer and nuts?

What was the bill?

It was $12 a beer, $8 for the nuts. Times two. So we're talking $40 before

tip here. I got a relationship with this stadium, okay? I'm a bleacher creature,

okay? I'm not going to be welcome next time.

Okay, here's my thing. I don't need to pay that guy's salary. I said thank you

for the beer. Thank you for the nuts. That's the end of my customer.

guy-serving-food relationship.

You wouldn't know anything about it. You don't have to work for a living like

this guy, okay?

What, so I got a settlement because a guy broke my collarbone in a bar fight.

That's my fault? At either event, they don't get paid well at all. Is that my

fault? It's not my fault. It's America's fault, and we got to fix the system.

What, are you kidding me? I didn't choose America. America chose me, all

right? I was born here. I didn't move here and say, I'm going to go fix this

piece of shit. It's not my fault.

Hey, this is America you're talking about. Watch your mouth. Sorry, I got

carried away. I'm just saying, it ain't my responsibility to fix all the

society. Of course, you can't fix it all, but why did you start with the man

in the mirror? That's Michael Jackson, the king of pop. Don't quote Jackson at

me. Don't quote Jackson at me. No. About yourself and mirrors.

That's not Jermaine.

Jermaine.

Jermaine. He's one of Michael's brothers. He was in Jackson 5. No. He

looks real weird now. He looks a lot like Latoya now. I still don't

understand what you're getting at. I'm trying to say it's not pertinent to the

conversation, Your Honor.

I don't remember pertinent Jackson. You got your peanuts and beer. What more do

you want from me? Just a little tip for the vendor. I want you to crawl out of

my asshole.

I'd like to call a witness to the stand, okay? All right.

Food vendor Eddie.

Hey, how you doing, huh? All right, who is this? He was the guy who was not

tipped appropriately or at all. All right, what's your story?

Yeah, so, uh...

I've been doing this a long time, you know, over 30 years, and I've seen it

all. Streakers and foul balls.

And one time that TV actor from Friends, what's his name, something Perry?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, Tyler Perry.

He told me my fly was undone, and it really was undone. It was great. But

this is also a really tough job, Your Honor, Lou. You know, you got to go up

and down those grandstands all the time with this case. I got a bad neck, a bad

back. I got a bulging disc and chronic lumbago. So we rely on tips, you know.

It's like what Winston Churchill said. Never was so much owed by so many to so

few. Only in my case, it would be like never was so little owed by one guy to

me, and I got stiffed.

Look, hey, food vendor Eddie, I'm not trying to say I'm disrespecting you or

nothing, but you chose this job. Nobody forced you into it, all right? That's

not on me. Someone did force me into it, my friend.

When I was 15 years old, my good-for-nothing alcoholic father was a

locker room attendant at the stadium, and he lost a bet to George

Steinbrenner. And he gave away his son's vendor service for 50 years.

I've been slinging beers and popcorn and peanuts at guys like you ever since.

Well, now, how the shit am I supposed to know that when I flag you down for a

pint and a sack?

Just a couple of bucks.

I had no idea. Why didn't you tell me this guy had some fucking epic saga? I

didn't know it was Lord of the Rings over here working the beer nut.

We all got stories, friend.

Coming up, more beef.

Sorry, Uncle Lou, I was just telling a joke. Don't call me that. Sorry, Lou.

Don't call me that. What do you want me to call you?

Call him Yana, numbnuts. Yana, be quiet.

What more do you want from me? Just a little tip for the vendor. Scotty says

his friend Keith was a cheapskate to poor food vendor Eddie. My good-for

-nothing alcoholic father lost a bet to George Steinbrenner, and he gave away

his son's vendor service for 50 years.

Eddie, can you demonstrate for the court your peanut-slinging abilities?

Yes, Your Honor, Lou.

Peanuts here? Ew. Peanuts?

Peanuts?

Okay. Why didn't you catch it?

Why didn't I catch it? Because my arms aren't eight feet long. I'm not a

gibbon. You all right? Relax.

Just throw it right to him. Okay. Yes, sir.

You

think

your father lost that bet?

Steinbrenner lost that bet.

This is what I'm supposed to be tipping for? It's like having someone with fish,

guys. This is the American experience, okay? All right. All right.

All right.

Hey!

You guys, I'm cool.

Looks like you guys got a little hot.

Is this what I get? Huh? Is this what I get?

For gratis Yankees tickets because you're one of my best friends in the

whole world? You're one of my best friends. I'm trying to save money so I

can buy you another beer a couple innings later, and this is the thanks I

get? Yeah, that's nice. Well, I would appreciate that because you understand

me more than anybody else. You listen more than any other guy I know.

Eddie.

Eddie.

That's a good idea, Uncle Will.

No, no, hold on.

Peanut's here.

All right.

I'll pay for that. Stop it. No, I can't hear you. I can't hear you right now.

No, look at me. Come on.

You're too good.

You're too good.

Those are great seats.

You want to look the other way so we can both cry?

Yeah.

All right. After much deliberation, I am prepared to render a verdict.

Now, even though Eddie...

has led a life of indentured servitude because of his father's misdeeds, we

must understand that it is not incumbent upon Keith to make that life better.

Thus, Scott, you got no beef.

Now, Keith, because I don't like your cheapness, you get nothing.

Eddie, come here.

I was saving this for the eventual winner, but he's such a douchebag, it

goes to you. But wait.

There's more.

You see this roast?

It's a beautiful, beautiful thing. You enjoy it, all right?

God bless you, Lou. God bless you.

You're a hard-working man, unlike some people in this courtroom. You're a good

man, Lou.

Keith, you had a lot of strong points in there today about society, and I have to

ask, why do you hate America so much?

There's a lot that's wrong with America, man, you know? I mean, all you got to do

is open your eyes and look around. You know, you see all this stuff like people

not crossing at the crosswalks and garbage on the sidewalks. Shadow people.

You mean like people who follow you all day long? The shadow people are the

invisible people that live in another dimension but visit our dimension and

specifically are targeting America. Is that why you wear the number 16?

I think after 16 colonies, we overdid it, you know? We expanded too fast, all

right? We weren't able to sustain the glory that made America America at the

beginning, you know? So every state, 17 and onwards, I don't know if that's Ohio

or what, but they should be kibbutz. Keith, I'm thinking of being more of an

asshole. What's your secret?

The fuck is that supposed to mean?

Walk through, walk through.

So, Eddie, an unexpected turn of events there at the end. Yeah, I don't know

what to say.

What would Winston Churchill say, Eddie?

I think Winston Churchill would say that this was my finest hour.

I think so too, Eddie.

I think so too.

I find a Yankee Stadium, the bathrooms, the toilets especially, are almost

always clogged with shit.

Yeah, yeah, always. A lot of the times when I shit at the stadium, it's already

capacity.

What you want to do is you want to bring a plastic ruler and you want to rub it

along the edge of the seat and just level it off.

But, like, what if they catch you with that?

You understand?

Like, they search you before you go in a game, so... Here's what you say.

I'm measuring.

Okay, and then you're okay to go in with the ruler?

Honestly, the conversations that I have with the people at Yankee Stadium, I

don't have tickets to get into the stadium. I'm standing outside the

stadium saying, I'm measuring, I'm measuring.

And I've never been stopped once.

How do you know about the toilet problem in the stadium if you've never been

inside? You just told me.

Yes, I just told you, but you seem to have some sort of experience with this

before. I said, yes, sometimes I don't shit because it mounds up. What you want

to do is you want to get a plastic ruler, and you take it, and you slide it

along the top, and you just level it off.

Have you ever taken a shit inside a Yankee stadium?

I've never been in a Yankee stadium, pal.

Then what are you doing with that ruler?

Measuring.

So this morning, I'm getting Frank Jr. ready for school.

Drops his first F-bomb.

Yeah, congratulations.

That's what I said, but Lynn, she freaks out. She's like, go punish your son.

Fuck that.

So I say, go to the bathroom, wash your mouth out with soap. You gave him the

winks. Yeah, he missed the signal.

Stu Nogg drinks a whole jar of Purell.

Yeah, Lynn's down at the hospital right now getting a stomach pump.

If he ever cusses again, she's going to say the D word.

Divorce. Divorce.

Dildo. The first thing you think of when you hear D word is dildo? It was just

the first thing that came into my mouth, my mind.

Anthony, what's going on? What happened? Can I tell you guys something?

And just, I want you to have an open mind, okay?

All right.

The other day, we went to Sharon's bridal party. They had a gift basket

lying around, a bunch of novelty stuff.

I was feeling a little peckish, so I grabbed what I thought at the time was a

chocolate dildo.

And, well, bonehead me.

Not until it was completely...

All the way down my throat that I realized that it was not chocolate. It

was, in fact, a regular rubber African-American style dildo. Okay, so

many things are wrong about this.

All the way down your throat before you tasted that it wasn't chocolate. Then

you put it back into the bridal basket.

Yeah, I took a thing and I wiped it off and I put it back.

And I looked at it again and I wasn't completely convinced at that point still

that it was not chocolate. So I tried again.

Case number 16.

Roger says he hired Pat because he wanted to learn guitar to play a song at

his wedding, but didn't learn a damn thing.

Pat is counter-beefing that he didn't get paid and that Roger owes him for

damages. Okay, everybody stand up. Honorable Judge Uncle Lou presiding.

Okay, everybody go ahead and sit down.

Belly's in session.

What's your beefs? Hello, Pat.

Hey, Lou, what do you say?

I wanted to learn to play Van Halen's Eruption for my wedding. Okay, it's an

extremely demanding song, but my love for my fiancé is volcanic.

This gentleman had flyers posted all over town advertising his services as a

guitar teacher. He did come looking for me. I didn't start this.

Well, because you had flyers up. To be honest, I forgot I put those flyers up.

That was a long time ago. I forgot those were up. I make an appointment. I show

up to the classroom.

I walk in. His garage.

It's a garage.

It stinks of Bengay.

Probably off-brand Bengay because of his character and pedigree as a human being.

Tiger bomb.

It's got all the same ingredients.

It's the same. So already, I'm expecting a classroom, and I'm confronted with the

stench of Chinese Bengay. And there were various tapioca pudding cups all over

the place. His midriff is out like some sort of ghostly cummerbund from hell.

My wife shrunk my shirt. That's not, that has nothing to do with guitar. It

is the same shirt. He has not changed clothes. That's right. Let's stick with

the beef.

Okay. I say, hey, I'm here for my guitar lesson. He takes out a guitar hero

controller. What's a guitar hero?

It's like a video game where you play like guitar on it. You play against a

friend or you can play by yourself.

This will all make sense, Lou. No, it won't. Now, you know what doesn't make

sense? This is my personal beef. In this day and age in America, you call a hero

a video game.

In my day, a hero was a hero.

You had your Reggie Jackson.

You had your Rudy Giuliani. Continue.

Okay. He beckons me over to the only piece of furniture in the room, which is

a recliner. He says, cozy up. Yeah, and I'm sitting on his knee, which is

infantilizing and weird. And we play Guitar Hero.

Slow Ride by Foghat again and again.

And I keep thinking, it's a terrible song.

You gotta walk before you can fly. That's what he said. He said, look at a

hawk. A hawk has to learn to walk, then run, then fly.

And I said, I've never seen a hawk run.

They're nocturnal. They do it at night when you're sleeping.

So evidently, he doesn't have any plans to teach me guitar.

He just wants to have a video game party. I got my techniques.

After 45 minutes, I said, look.

I need to know how to play this song. My wedding is coming up. And he said, oh,

I'm sorry. I got to go to the minute clinic to get my dick medication.

Is that true? It's a heat rash.

It's not VD or nothing. It's scaly.

All right.

Continue. So at this point, I've already given him $50, which I know he's just

going to use, you know, for dick money.

Dick money?

$45 for a tube of dick cream.

Coming up, more beef.

What are you doing? You don't even got strings on this thing.

Because he broke it. Oh.

Yeah, there weren't strings to begin with. My grandpa was killed in a hit and

run by Yo-Yo Ma. I kissed you!

Frank's kid is swearing. If he ever cusses again, it's gonna be me drinking

the soap.

Anthony is snacking. I grabbed what I thought was a chocolate dildo. Roger

says Pat's a crappy teacher.

I wanted to learn to play guitar. He just wants to have a video game party.

My fiance and I had an agreement. We're both gonna face our fears before our

wedding. Right.

So I said, I'm gonna learn to play guitar.

And you're going to learn to not be so scared of rats and not be scared of

saying I love you.

Okay? And she's made a lot of progress on the rats.

What was the deal? You got a problem with music or something?

Well, when I was 11, my grandpa was killed in a hit and run by Yo-Yo Ma.

Yo-Yo Ma and Zuck Perlman did an assembly at a school near where I live,

and they got drunk.

And next thing I know, there's a Cerulean Mercedes Benz cruising towards

Pop Pop.

And Yo-Yo Ma didn't even stop.

He threw a signed poster out the window. And he said, this will cover it. And

ever since that day, I've been frightened of string instruments because

I associate them with the death of my favorite grandfather.

Who's that?

But I was going to face that fear.

And he destroyed that.

Can we get to my counter beef?

By all means, go ahead. Okay, we did play video games, but I was warming him

up. You have to get your dexterity down.

And after about 13 battles, he gets fed up and he takes my controller and he

throws it across the room. Here you go.

Take that over to Lou. It's broken. It's not supposed to look like that. How do

you know it wasn't like a Pete Townshend type thing? You know, maybe he just kind

of banged it up. He was just mad because he was not good at Guitar Hero. What was

happening was he would set my controller on hard and his on easy.

So there was an asymmetry in the difficulty of the game. All right,

when's your wedding?

In one hour.

What's the matter with you? What are you doing here?

Why, I want to go to the altar with a beef on my chest.

I tell you what, I respect that.

I'm going to think about this.

I've rendered my decision.

Roger, you got a beef.

All right? And now look, hey, get out of here, but take this wedding zazich with

you, all right? God bless. Good luck. Thank you. And good luck. Right.

Pat, come here. Oh, God damn it. Look, I'm so sick of having you in here.

Trouble finds me. What can I say? No, I think you go out and you staple trouble

all over the telephone pole. Pat, you got to stop.

I'm sick of seeing you.

Sick? Yeah.

Get out of here. See you next time, guys. See you soon, Pat.

All right. Bye.

Bye, Denise.

Pants are falling down. That's all right. Congratulations.

You won your case. You had a beef.

Yeah, I prevailed. But I got to go to my wedding now. Yeah, it was a big day.

You're getting married, and you won your case.

That's right. Yeah, yeah.

We actually, I don't want to be rude, but we only have the pavilion for a

tight 65 minutes. So I got to get going. Of course. But before you go, a quick

question. Roger, what is a hero?

And I'm going to be honest, our pastor is a hard ass.

And he's a ball breaker. So if I... No, absolutely.

Are you just... What is this? All right.

I'm going to let you go to your wedding. But before you go, Roger. Yeah.

If you could play one song other than Eruption at your wedding, what would it

be?

I don't know.

Pachelbel's Canon? Sing a little of it.

I really don't have... Sing a little of it.

I'll go, you go high, I'll go low.

I gotta go. I know.

You're hurting me.

Okay.

That's enough. Happy wedding. No.

Happy wedding.

You're a predator.

You're a predator.

Oh, now you have all the time in the world to talk to me. I'm sorry. Now you

have all the time in the world.

Pat, you know every time I see you, you dress like a circus clown.

And... I will fucking cut your fucking throat out.

You piece of fucking shit.

Frankie, what are you doing?

Lynn called as soon as Frank Junior left the hospital. He told her how much it

fucking sucks.

So now I gotta bring home this industrial stuff to use on myself.

Hey,

Andy? Yeah?

Did you really think that dildo was made out of chocolate?

What do you think?

I don't know what I think.

Previously on Beef.

I got a list of stuff that Mikey wants for his party.

Lou's brother-in-law has a peculiar shopping list.

20 pounds of prosciutto di Parma, smoked turkey, sausage.

He's opening my shop!

And now...

Denise. Hey!

Come on. All right, perfect. Hey, Denise.

See, this is perfect because he's got all his cold stuff over here. He's got

gherkins. Nick?

Hey, Denise.

I'm going into business with Mikey.

Well, well, well.

The rat really does always smell the cheese.

Rose, what the fuck? You told me he wasn't going to be here. This was the

only way I could get my family to talk to each other. Mikey, this ends here.

This ends now.

Because I got a beef with you.

Lou, Lou, come on.

Come over here. Come on, Nick.

Now serving case number 99.

Uncle Lou says Uncle Mikey is out of line for using Uncle Lou's name and

reputation to open up a butcher shop across the street.

Uncle Mikey is saying that it's a free country and that he's just expanding the

family business.

That's right. Okay, everybody stand up.

Honorable Uncle Lou's already here, so everybody just sit down.

Deli's in session.

What's your beef?

Oh, I'll tell you what my beef is. This Mama Nanuch, my wife's brother, he comes

in and he opens up the same kind of shop that I own, a butchery deli shop right

across the street.

How's he going to get all the supplies? Gee, I don't know. How about from your

own family? Right out of my ass! Right out of my ass! Listen, I just want to

say, you know, no disrespect.

You talk about family all the time. Well, you know, aren't I family?

Aren't I family, Lou? You know, but you don't want to help me. But how am I

supposed to pay you back on the bail money if I don't make any money?

You're taking from me just so you can make good on the money you owe me?

That don't make no sense.

Listen, you think it's fair to adjudicate your own beef?

He's right. I mean, you can't be judging this. I'll tell you what.

I may be a lot of things, but I'm fair.

We'll grab a customer. They'll be the judge. These customers are all loyal to

you. What are you talking about? This is America. Everybody's a customer. Not if

you're a bum with no money. Whoa, hey, hey. What'd you just say?

A bum with no money.

I'll be right back.

Rose, you always look out for me, and now you lead me into a buzzsaw.

Hey, you.

It's time.

I'm ready.

Hey, everybody.

Here's your judge.

Take the stand.

What, this guy?

Okay, I know this guy. You're talking about the guy from Mount Back?

Your Honor.

Thank you. Don't touch the case.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, everybody stand up.

The Honorable, um... Lynn Vanderloo.

The Honorable Lynn Vanderloo presiding. So everybody go ahead and sit down.

All right, we begin.

Lou? Yeah, how are you, Your Honor? Your magistrate, please.

Your magistrate?

I'm to be referred to as your magistrate.

Your magistrate.

What's wrong?

All right, my brother-in-law here, he's trying to set up shop, by all

definition, my shop, right over there. Let the record show he pointed outside.

Continue, please.

So? We've heard your side.

Let's hear yours. Coming up, more beef.

I would also add for the record that Denise and I have a fatal

attractiveness. Important. Important. Important.

It's important.

It's important.

Lou is accusing his brother-in-law, Mikey, of stealing his business.

This ends here. This ends now.

And Lynn Vanderloo has been called in to rule on the case.

I'm to be referred to as your magistrate. He's like acting like I want

to like take his business away. I want to like expand the good work he's doing

here, you know? Don't need no help. It could be Mike's meat. Don't need no

expansion. Thank you very much. Well, look, you got your meats. I can have my

meats. We could have kosher meats. We could have halal meat. We could have

Turkish meats. We can have Greekish meats.

Who let the dog in?

Who let the dog in?

Who? Who?

Who? It's Roy.

This is Roy. This is my dog.

All right, I'll allow the dog. Look, magistrate, I've done a lot of

groundwork on this already. I brought my business partner into this. He's been in

business school.

You know, we opened an LLC.

Let the court reflect that LLC stands for Limited Liability Corporation.

So we got one of those. And the thing is, I don't want to do it exactly the

same way as he's doing it. Of course he does, and that's why the whole day

started with... There's a yellow piece of paper right there. No, that's the

mustard, the yellow piece of paper. That is yellow. Right there. That is yellow.

The yellow.

May I approach the bench? Also yellow. You may. Here you go. Check this out.

I hold in my hand Exhibit A was brought to me from him.

Look at him out there. So he was looking to get all of my meats, all of my

cheeses, and bring it over there. Let the court reflect.

that the defendant has girlish handwriting.

Agreed. Agreed.

I have very delicate bones. You know, I can't press very hard. So, Nick, you're

the business partner in all of this. What are your responsibilities, please?

Uh, math.

I'm sorry. Is anybody sketching this?

Well, somebody should be sketching this.

I could try. I took an art class at the community college.

Somebody should be sketching this.

So math, and you filled out paperwork.

Yeah, we filled out the paperwork, and basically we think there's a lot of room

for improvement in the neighborhood.

When we need more food here, we feel the neighborhood can take two delis. That

looks just like us.

That's my brother, huh?

That's a homeless guy, and there's meats right there, and there's Uncle Lou, and

Aunt Rose, and Roy, and the two douchebags. Ah, fucking douchebags, huh?

Hey, hey, hey. All right, Anthony.

The court thanks you for your service. As the facts stand now, this is a

classic Talmudic problem.

What is legal versus what is fair?

The Kabbalah teaches us that we cannot always resolve questions of the law with

the law.

Sometimes we must use higher law.

And so, I would like to speak to God for a moment.

He wasn't it.

I need a minute to think about it. Okay, everybody stand up.

Okay, everybody go ahead and sit down.

Okay, he's kind of a weirdo.

How much do you think art school costs?

Okay, all rise.

I guess he's done thinking about it. So everybody go ahead and sit down.

Lin Vanderloo.

Honorable Lin Vanderloo, start about everybody sit down. Lin Vanderloo with

the verdict.

Well, Mr.

DeWarnicus, I feel as though perhaps you want to start this business under less

than honest circumstances.

I don't know how I could be any more honest.

It seems to me, Mr.

DeWarnicus, you're using your brother-in-law's good name and

reputation to start your own business in his backyard. The court does not look

favorably upon ex-convicts or social studies teachers.

Oh, well, that's not... Therefore, the court... Just a minute! Just a minute!

Just a minute! Hold on! Hold on! Hold on!

Coming up, more beef.

This is our fatal attractiveness.

This is our fatal attractiveness.

Well,

as long as there's rules.

Lynn Vanderloo is called in to judge when Lou accuses his brother-in-law,

Mikey, of stealing his business.

You're using your brother-in-law's reputation.

to start your own business. Therefore, the court. Just a minute, just a minute,

just a minute. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'd like to submit to the deli,

Exhibit A, Stan, Uncle Mikey's parole officer.

Let the court reflect.

Exhibit A was this sheet of paper.

Exhibit B was this sketch.

I stand corrected. I'd like to present Exhibit C.

Stan, Uncle Mikey's parole officer.

Stan informed me.

that Uncle Mikey did not appear for his parole appointment, and therefore, back

in a click.

No. Well, it's true that he didn't show up for his appointment with me, but he

had an excuse, and I excused him because of the excuse.

What was the excuse, please? He was going to a charitable event. It was a

dance for one-legged children.

Is this right?

It's free country.

I'm sorry. I didn't say that earlier. I didn't know where we were going.

He's an excellent parolee and a model citizen.

Model citizen.

In your experience as a parole officer, on a scale of one to six, with one being

the worst parolee and six being the best parolee,

make it seven. With one being the best parolee and seven being the worst

parolee, how would you rate Mr.? DeWarnicus.

DeWarnicus. I'm very used to this question.

It's a 6.7, Your Honor.

Did we say the higher number was the better or the worse?

Yes, you said the better. Is that right? I think you switched it the second time.

The second time? First time, lower one was worse.

I'm sorry.

Higher one was better. And then I think you switched it to 6.7. I think it's

very bad.

All right, are you trying to say he's bad or good? Good. He's very good. Thank

you. He's an excellent parolee. In your opinion, what are the odds of

recidivism?

Is there a scale that you want to present to me? Let's say 1 to 7. No, you

know what? That's stupid. Let's say 1 to 6.

1.3.

1.3 out of 6. Thank you. The court recognizes your expert opinion.

The witness is dismissed.

Thank you.

You don't have to bow. In light of this expert witness and his compelling

testimony regarding the personality and likelihood of recidivism of one

Michael... DeWarnicus. DeWarnicus.

And in light of the fact that nobody's ever offered me a sandwich in the four

years that I've been living out back, I find in favor of Mikey.

Please do the thing. Oh, everybody stand up.

Lynn Vanderpoof. On to Lynn Vanderpoof.

Everybody sit down.

Oh, it's shot. We got adjudicated. We got adjudicated. I don't think that's

the right use of that word, but... Thank you, Manny.

Are we done? We're done. Well done.

Lynn Vanderloo outside Lou's Beat Market. Let's welcome Mikey and his

business partner, Nick. Congratulations, guys. Today, your market demonstrated

the free market is still alive and well.

Yep, that's a free country.

Yep, we did. The magistrate today seemed a little conflicted about who to rule in

favor of. You were the magistrate, which is... So you... You did a very nice job.

You did a very good job.

Michael, what is the value of family?

Family's everything.

I mean, this country was based on family. I wouldn't be anywhere without

my family. You could fuck a cousin, though.

Huh? Now let's say hi to the plaintiff in today's case. It's Lou.

It's a tough day in the deli today.

Travesty is what we call it in my business.

I'm thinking of opening a deli.

Any advice?

Don't do it near me.

Sound advice.

Lou's wife, Rose, joining us now. With their adorable dog, Roy.

Roy, what is the value of family?

Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss.

Did you ever kiss a dog?

Mm-hmm.

Kiss a dog.

Okay, you're not gonna kiss.