Original subtitles

I must be going.

I cannot stay. I came to say I must be going.

I'm glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.

La, la. For my sake, you must stay.

If you should go away, you've spoiled this party I am throwing.

I'll stay a week or two.

I'll stay the summer through.

But I am telling you, I must be.

That's not what I'm saying, imbecile. You completely misrepresent my ideas.

Why am I even bothered to talk with such idiots? Calm down. That is not true,

Boris. Don't jump on us just because we don't understand what you're saying. I

didn't jump on you. It's not the idea behind Christianity I'm faulting or

Judaism or any religion.

It's the professionals who've made it into corporate business. There's big

money in the God racket. Big money. Here we go. Here we go, Boris. Hey, the basic

teachings of Jesus are quite wonderful. So, by the way, is the original

intention of Karl Marx, okay?

What could be bad? Everybody should share equally.

Do unto others. Democracy.

Government by the people.

All great ideas. These are all great ideas. But they all suffer from one

fatal flaw. Which is?

Which is they're all based on the fallacious notion... that people are

fundamentally decent.

Give them a chance to do right, and they'll take it. They're not stupid,

selfish, greedy, cowardly, short-sighted worms.

Speak for yourself, man. Speak for yourself. All I'm saying is that people

make life so much worse than it has to be, and believe me, it's a nightmare

without their help.

But on the whole, I'm sorry to say...

We're a failed species.

Nah, I wouldn't go that far.

That's why this woman you like, Joe?

So what if she's an embalmer's assistant?

So she stinks from formaldehyde. For Christ's sake, you gotta take what

little pleasure you can find in this chamber of horrors. A little

formaldehyde, okay, but she reeks of it.

You know, they don't know your story.

Boris, tell them your story.

My story is whatever works, you know, as long as you don't hurt anybody.

Any way you can filch a little joy in this...

Cruel doggy dog, pointless black chaos.

You know, just... That's my story. No, tell... Okay, I told you. Let's not tell

them the story.

Tell them. Yeah, tell them. You just want me to say it again so they can

hear. Who?

Them. Who?

Who's them? You see something out there? Where? Yeah. What are you, an imbecile?

There's an audience full of people looking at us. I don't think you know

what you're talking about. You feel you're being watched.

They paid good money for tickets, hard-earned money, so some moron in

Hollywood can buy a bigger swimming pool.

Okay, you're saying there are human beings out there who bought tickets to

watch us.

Well, mostly they're interested in me, I have to say.

Yeah, they're just sitting there. Don't you see them?

Some are eating popcorn.

Some are just staring straight ahead, breathing through their mouths like

Neanderthals. So then they're there to listen to your story.

Total delusions of grandeur.

Completely.

Why would you want to hear my story?

Do we know each other?

Do we like each other?

Let me tell you right off, okay?

I'm not a likable guy.

Charm has never been a priority with me. And just so you know, this is not the

feel-good movie of the year.

So if you're one of those idiots who needs to feel good, go get yourself a

foot massage.

Mom, that means talking to himself.

Come on, Justin.

What the hell does it all mean anyhow?

Nothing. Zero.

Zilch. Nothing comes to anything.

And yet, there's no shortage of idiots to babble.

Not me.

I have a vision. I'm discussing you.

Your friends. Your co-workers. Your newspapers.

The TV.

Everybody's happy to talk. Full of misinformation.

Morality. Science.

Religion. Politics. Sports. Love.

Your portfolio.

Your children.

Health. Christ.

59 servings of fruits and vegetables a day to live.

i don't want to live i hate goddamn fruits and vegetables and your omega-3s

and the treadmill and the cardiogram and the mammogram and the pelvic sonogram

and oh my god the the colonoscopy and with it all the day still comes when

they put you in a box and it's on to the next generation of idiots we'll also

tell you all about life and define for you what's appropriate my father

committed suicide because the morning newspapers depressed him and could you

blame him With the horror and corruption and ignorance and poverty and genocide

and AIDS and global warming and terrorism and the family value morons

and the gun morons.

The horror, Kurtz said at the end of Heart of Darkness.

The horror.

Lucky Kurtz didn't have the times to live it in the jungle.

Then he'd see some horror.

But what do you do?

You read about some massacre in Darfur or some school bus gets blown up and you

go, oh my God, the horror.

And then you turn the page and finish your eggs from the free-range chickens.

Because what can you do?

It's overwhelming.

I tried to commit suicide myself.

Obviously, it didn't work out.

Why do you even want to hear about all this? Christ, you've got your own

problems. I'm sure you're all obsessed with any number of sad little hopes and

dreams. Your predictably unsatisfying love lives.

Your failed business ventures. Oh, if only I had bought that stock.

If only I had purchased that house years ago.

If only I had made a move on that woman.

If this, if that.

You know what?

Give me a break with your could-haves and should-haves.

Like my mother used to say, if my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a

trolley car.

My mother didn't have wheels.

She had varicose veins.

Still,

the woman gave birth to a brilliant mind.

I was considered for a Nobel Prize in physics.

I didn't get it, but, you know, it's all politics, like every other phony honor.

Incidentally, don't think I'm bitter because of some personal setback.

By the standards of a mindless, barbaric civilization, I've been pretty lucky.

I was married to a beautiful woman who had family money.

For years, we lived on Beekman Place.

Taught at Columbia.

String theory.

What's the matter, Boris?

I'm dying.

What is it?

I'm dying.

Should I call an ambulance?

No. No, not now.

Not tonight.

I mean, eventually.

Boris, everybody dies.

It's unacceptable.

Your panic attacks are getting more frequent and more intense.

You have to go back on your medicine.

I'm not going back on my goddamn medicine.

I want to have my mind befuddled by chemicals when I'm the only one who sees

the whole picture for exactly what it is. Where's the goddamn box? I have

clients to see tomorrow morning. It is 4 a.m. Clients, right.

Wealthy bankers to design their chic apartment, to fill it full of art and

expensive possessions so they can flaunt their money and be in the top 1%. of

this shameful, violent, prejudiced, illiterate, sexually repressed, self

-righteous nation. Christ, it is 4 a.m. Can you spare me this sophomoric tirade?

I'm a man with a huge worldview.

I'm surrounded by microbes.

Oh, and what about me?

Am I a microbe? Is our son at Yale a microbe?

Let's face it, Jessica, okay?

Our marriage hasn't been a garden of roses.

Botanically speaking, you're more of a Venus flytrap.

You are a very difficult man to live with.

Is that why you had an affair?

I didn't have an affair. It was a brief interlude of infidelity, and it happened

years ago. You still can't forget it.

I see everything so clearly now. Everything.

I married you for all the wrong reasons.

What's that supposed to mean?

You're brilliant.

I wanted someone to talk to.

You loved classical music. You loved art.

You loved literature.

You loved sex.

You loved me. Those sound like pretty good reasons to me. Yes, exactly.

That's the problem.

That's the problem. It was rational.

It made sense.

I don't know what went wrong.

When you examine it, there is so much right about us.

On paper, we're ideal.

But life isn't on paper.

Boris.

Morris, what are you doing?

Close the window!

Morris!

Can you believe I hit the canopy?

I hit the goddamn canopy.

Months in the hospital, moron doctors. Look, look at this limp.

I never had a limp before.

Meanwhile, I divorced Jessica, moved downtown, and gave up.

I eke out a meager living teaching chess to incompetent zombies.

Checkmate, you little putzer. Hey!

He's only eight years old, Mr. Yelnikoff. You're supposed to be

teaching him. He'll be an incompetent idiot at 58.

More important than how I make my living is why I bother to live at all.

Nights I have trouble sleeping and hanging on Mott Street, trying to

explain to cretins that while a black man got into the White House, he still

can't get a cab in New York.

Almost 100 years after the abolition of slavery, a man couldn't play a game of

baseball in the big leagues if his skin color was black. You're harping on one

point. Oh, well, okay, forget blacks. Take Jews.

What? For years, they restricted the number of Jews in schools, medical

schools. In America, as much as they hated blacks, they hate Jews even more.

Blacks, they were scared I had too big a penis. Jews, they hated even with little

penises. For God's sake, I'm eating here. You! I have been looking for you.

I want to talk to you.

Who are you? Did you pick up a chessboard full of pieces and hit my son

with it at his lesson today?

That idiot's your son?

Do me a favor. Don't send that cretin to me anymore. I can't teach an empty

-headed zombie chess.

I will have you know that he is a very bright child.

In your opinion.

In... In your opinion, which you skewed because he's your unfortunate issue. So

you threw a chessboard at him?

I didn't throw it at him. I picked up the board and dumped the pieces on his

head. As an object lesson to shake him out of his vegetable torpor.

You wait till my husband gets back from Florida.

What's he doing in Florida without you?

Punch you in the nose.

Our husband's in Fort Lauderdale. He's probably hanging out with your naked co

-eds on spring break. He tells her it's a business trip. Your son's an imbecile.

Teach him tiddlywinks, not chess.

Oh, you handled that beautifully, Boris. You know, you should open the Boris

Yelnikoff Charm School. Let's get out of here. It's late.

I'm tired.

Good night, Boris.

What? What are you doing?

We're all covered. Where are you going?

That's it?

Sir? Hey, what?

What the hell are you doing?

My God, you scared me, for God's sake. You creep up on me like that, you little

vagrant? What do you want?

Can you help me get something to eat?

Oh, God, no, I don't carry any money. Come on, you can tell that to your

partner wherever he's hiding. Please, I'm so hungry.

Huh? Back up, huh? Back up. I haven't had anything to eat all day. I think I'm

gonna faint. Yeah, listen, I'm wise to that scam, little girl, okay? I know all

about professional beggar scold.

Please, I'm desperate.

God, stop that.

You're terrible. What's wrong with you?

All right.

Come up for two minutes, that's it, and then go.

Thank you.

Two minutes, okay? That's it.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Boris.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy

birthday, dear Boris.

Happy birthday to you.

Is this your birthday?

You don't know you have to sing happy birthday twice to get the germs off?

You said you were starving.

What do you like? I like oysters,

black and red fish, gumbo, crab legs. Are you nuts?

What do you think, I'm running a Creole restaurant?

How about a can of sardines?

Oh, yes, please.

So, what's your name?

Melody. Melody Celestine. Melody Celestine.

Melody St. Anne Celestine.

It's French.

My mama's family is from New Orleans.

I'm from Mississippi.

Mr., uh... Um... Muggeridge.

Lionel Muggeridge.

Mr. Muggeridge.

Uh,

Eden, Mississippi.

You ever hear of it?

No, I haven't.

Not even the people who live there heard of it.

So... So what are you running away from?

Home. Could you be more specific, Melanie?

Melody.

Melanie was from Gone with the Wind.

Oh, yeah.

I preferred the one who played Scarlett.

Why? Melanie was the nice one. She marries Ashley.

Oh, Ashley. What an imbecile. I couldn't stand him. I couldn't stand his wife.

She could eat two shoes.

Sexual nothing.

Scarlett, bitch that she was with those... those green eyes.

You know, I came in first dressed as Scarlett O'Hara in one of the pageants.

Pageant? Mm-hmm.

My mom always used to keep me busy in all these beauty contests.

That's why I didn't get to school and much.

All right, my advice to you, go back home.

Oh, no, I'm never going back home.

You're a brainless little twit who won't last three days in New York. You'd be

dead now of starvation if I hadn't a heart as big as all outdoors.

I can't go back home, Mr. Muggeridge.

All right, stop calling me Muggeridge.

That's your name. No, it's not my name. My name's Boris Yelnikoff. I was using

an alias. I thought you might be from the Taliban or something.

Can I stay here?

Stay? What are you, nuts?

How old are you?

I'm 21.

21? You're 21 like I played for the Yankees.

21. You're a professional athlete with that limp?

Oh, Christ.

All right, look, I don't want to go back, okay? I want to make a new life

here in New York.

You'll wind up a prostitute like those Asian girls who come here, full of high

hopes, and then they wind up turning tricks to keep alive.

And many of them are actually good-looking. That's not funny. You just

mentioned tricks.

You know, I do magic.

I do. I can show you. I just need, um... Do you have any silk handkerchiefs?

Yeah, you know, some other time. You're... Look, you're a sweet kid.

Stupid beyond all comprehension.

But you'll never survive here. You got nothing going for you. Zero. Zilch.

You know, you may be beauty contest material in the Deep South, but this is

the big time.

Here you're a three.

A five, maybe, after you bathe.

Did you get that limb playing for the Yankees? Oh, imbecile child, brainless

inchworm. I didn't play for the Yankees. I was being sarcastic before.

Oh.

You... I took it seriously.

Yes.

I usually get jokes.

At the Church of Social, I was the comedian twice.

I have a way with jokes.

Spare me and just get out.

No, Mr. Muggeridge. Stop calling me Muggeridge, okay? I already explained

that. I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just...

I just need a place to stay for a few nights till I get on my feet.

I don't have anywhere to go.

And if you throw me out and I wind up an Asian prostitute, that's gonna be on

your conscience.

I give up. Sleep on the couch, imbecile.

I'm too tired to prolong this brutal exchange between a bedraggled microbe

and a Nobel-level thinker.

Keep out of my way. I will. I promise.

I'm just going to use the little girls to freshen up, and then I'm going to go

right to sleep.

Yes, yes.

Use the little girls.

Freshen up.

Don't forget to tip the attendants. I won't.

Thank you so much, Mr. M... Oh, what? You're going to say Muggeridge again?

No! It's Boris Yelnikov.

You call me Muggeridge one more time, I'm going to throw you out the goddamn

window.

Do you mind if I watch the little TV?

Yes, I do, simpleton.

I'd just like to turn some on and not unwind.

Yeah, you touch that dial, I'll unwind your head with my bare hands. How about

that?

Did you hear about Boris? What? I tried to call him yesterday and a woman

answered the phone. No, who is she?

He got conned into letting some little runaway bed down in his apartment while

she looks for a job and gets settled.

Apparently she's never been to New York before and she's asked him if he would

show her around. Boris is going to be sightseeing. Yeah.

Not a chance. No way. No way.

My whole life I lived in New York.

I never wanted to go to Grant's tomb.

Now I know why.

Why? I should never go to a tomb. Ever.

My mom brought me up to believe that the good Lord has a plan that we're all a

part of.

He has his eye on the sparrow. Yeah, I pity the sparrow.

I'm not getting into heaven, though.

I sinned. You?

You're kidding.

You sinned?

I made love before I was married.

Oh, my God. There's plenty of my friends have, but in my house, that's just

unforgivable.

I just couldn't resist Bobby Claxton. All right, okay, spare me the details,

all right? No, it was really beautiful.

I mean, he was just this pretty boy, guitar player, this amazing rock band. I

mean, if you think you're a genius, he can double on the drums. No, doubles on

drums? Yeah.

All the girls had a crush on him, but he liked me.

He was so sweet and sensitive, and he caught the biggest catfish in Plaquemine

County. I wonder who caught that catfish.

You know, my mom always told me that it was going to hurt the first time.

You know, she said it was, you know, it's a woman's duty to just lie down,

bear it, and, you know, she said there were a lot of perversions involved, and

that, you know, it was God's will, you shouldn't do it unless you were married,

you plan to have kids, and it could be dangerous, but I just felt like it was

the most natural thing in the world.

It just felt right.

And all the little extras were just fun.

It wasn't complicated at all.

I think Bobby really liked it because he was going to dump his, uh, Betty Jo

Cleary, this girl he was going steady with, but I wouldn't hear of it.

It was just what it was, you know, just a nice moment behind the tent at the

fish fry.

That's the most disgusting story I ever heard.

You and this adenoidal guitar player slaking your lust at some barbaric

social function.

You don't like to make love?

No, I do not.

No. That's crazy.

Horace, do you want to be buried or cremated? All right, I really don't want

to talk about that, okay? I think I want to be cremated. All right, we could just

shut up. There's no worms.

What is this?

A knish.

And what's it made of?

I've been eating these things for years. They're delicious. I don't know what's

in them. I don't want to know what's in them. Don't even talk about it.

Oh, my God!

The horror!

The horror!

Horace? Are you all right? No.

What happened?

I'm all right. Are you sick?

Did you have a bad dream?

It was terrible.

Here, it's okay.

Baby,

you're sweating. Come sit down. Night sweats.

I get them.

I used to think it was AIDS.

But it's just that I have a morbid fear of the dark. You turned my night light

off. I'm sorry.

Did your stomach hurt?

Could it be the quiche?

Quiche, not quiche.

Well, here, I'll put some on TV.

I saw the abyss.

Don't worry. We'll watch something else.

Oh, this is, um... Yeah.

Fred Astaire.

Yeah.

Leave that.

That's good.

Leave that.

Yeah, that's it, okay?

Can we get the hell out of here? Oh my God, that's it!

It's the actual one!

I've only seen it in pictures!

Bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.

I'm surprised you know that, terrible as it is. I closed with it for the Miss

Greenwood Mississippi pageant. I think it's so moving.

But the huddled masses were never welcomed with open arms. Soon as they

came over, each ethnic group was met with violence and hostility. Each one

had to claw and fight its way in.

People always hated foreigners. It's the American way.

Our pageants like to focus on the positive things about America.

Yeah, the blacks were kidnapped from Africa, chained in ships.

Well, my daddy says that America bends over backwards for the blacks because we

feel guilty and it's crazy.

Oh, yeah, your daddy. Your daddy's a cracker. He's a bigot moron. Your daddy.

Well, you're probably right because you're a genius, but, you know, for a

little Mississippi girl like me, this is really exciting.

So what kind of genius are you anyway?

What kind?

Yeah, like what are your genius at?

Quantum mechanics.

Yeah, but what field? Like music?

When you see kids tossing a ball, does it ever make you miss spring training?

All right.

I have never played for the Yankees. Do you understand that? I have never played

any sports whatsoever in my life, okay? Ever.

Joe, Leo, you gotta help me out. I can't take it anymore.

Just kick her out.

Can you believe it's been a month already?

A whole month? God, time flies.

Well put.

At least is she pretty?

She's won some beauty contests. No.

Tall, short, blonde, describe her.

She's blonde, nice height, nice eyes.

Didn't quite realize how blue they were that first night.

Her face is a little more symmetrical than I had originally conceived.

She's not a 10 in a pinch.

Six. Good and bad?

How would I know? I just want her out.

Can I ask you to dance with me? It's too crowded. I don't mean now.

In a few minutes, the dance will be over, and everyone will go home.

Well, the band will go home, too.

But there'll just be the two of us left, and we can imagine the music. We can

pretend there's a big orchestra of violins, and they're playing just for us

as we dance.

You know, it's been proven television eats away the brain.

Uh-huh.

Shoot. I was going to surprise you.

What? What's all this?

I'm making you a special dinner.

Oh, really? For me?

Yeah, well, and me, because we're celebrating.

We are?

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh. What is it?

It's crawfish.

I found some at the market.

It's stinking up the whole house. I know. They're so good. You'll love them.

Listen, Melody, we, um, seriously, we have to talk. Oh, yeah, no, we'll talk

over dinner. It's almost done.

Melody, you're a very nice young woman. Really, very nice. You have a lot of

nice attributes, but, you know, you just can't continue to stay here ad

infinitum. Yeah, yeah, but that's my news.

Guess what?

I got a job.

I can start paying you rent.

Rent? I don't want you to pay me rent. I want my life back. What kind of job?

I start tomorrow as a dog walker. A dog walker? Oh, my God. Seriously.

Melanie, don't you think you should go back home and finish high school, maybe

even go to college?

I thought the other night you were talking about how America is one of the

worst education systems in the old west. No, no, the western world.

Yeah, right, exactly.

And how most colleges just turn out mindless zombie morons.

You could benefit from classes.

I think the crawfish are ready.

What is that song?

Huh.

They played that song the first time I went out with Jessica.

Where'd she go?

We went to a dance.

We were both students at the University of Chicago.

She had a high IQ and a low-cut dress.

Boy, they really don't write them like they used to.

Oh, that's a cliche.

Ah, good melody.

You caught it. Well, you always get so mad when I do them.

Yeah, I shouldn't really you know, sometimes a cliche is finally the best

way to make one's point Boris What

would you say if I was to say That

I was developing a little crush on you I'd say don't why

Because anything deeper more significant between us is out of the

question. Because why?

Because it's too preposterous to even dignify with an answer.

It is?

Every single thing is against it. Our ages, our backgrounds, our brains, our

interests. Not to mention, I have no desire to have a relationship with a

woman, any woman, nor any urge to make love, nor any desire to be anything but

isolated from the world.

And, you know, you're a beautiful girl who should be meeting normal, healthy

men and going out.

Yeah, but I don't like normal, healthy men.

I like you.

You're hallucinating.

I'm sure you'll make some man very happy at a fish fry or a dog fight or, you

know, however you people spend time.

You really think I'm beautiful?

I admit I didn't give you your full do it first, physically.

However, as only a great mind can do, I've reassessed my position

and changed my mind.

So you can never think of marrying me?

Have you lost your mind?

Why on earth would you even fantasize about such a thing?

Well, what could I offer you but a bad temper, hypochondriasis, morbid

fixations, reclusive rages, and misanthropy?

And what could you offer me?

A character out of Faulkner, not unlike Benji?

The answer to your question is no.

I think you should stay here for a while, accumulate some money, and then

find a place of your own and move on with your life.

Well, what about your life?

Let me teach you something about love, okay?

Naturally, there are exceptions to what I'm going to say, but they're the

exception, not the rule.

Love, despite what they tell you, does not conquer all, nor does it even

usually last.

In the end, the romantic aspirations of our youth are reduced to whatever

works, okay?

Why do I think...

Your bark is worse than your bite.

Cliche, Melody.

I don't care.

If the shoe fits, wear it. And that's another one.

We need to talk for a minute.

Can you believe this little inchworm was setting her sights on me?

Yes, yes, we had some pleasant moments, some dinners, some walks in the park.

I gave her the benefit of my vast knowledge and experience, tried to

impart to her the perceptions and values of a truly original mentality.

I only wish I could do a Pygmalion on her, but if Henry Higgins ever tried to

transform Melody St. Anne Celestine, he too would have jumped out the window.

Come on.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah, they like each other. It's okay. I rather like dogs.

I'm more of a cat person myself. I just do this professionally.

Sorry. I've never met a professional dog walker. Really?

I mean, it's not really the career that I want, but... What do you want to do?

I'd like to work with children.

You're very pretty, you know that?

Shut up. Thank you. Can I ask your name?

It's Melody.

Melody St.

Anne Celestine. What a beautiful name.

Mine's Perry Singleton. Nice to meet you. Yes, nice to meet you.

May I walk along with you?

I don't see why not, you know, since we're all doomed anyway.

Pardon me?

Well, you know everything ends.

I don't think I follow.

Well, yeah, it's like the cosmos or eternity.

Whichever's bigger, I just know that we're all flying apart.

Oh, what is that? What is that? Is that a move?

Well, I thought your bishop was... My bishop what? What? You potsy, you

earthworm. How many times do I have to tell you? You don't take that pawn.

That's called the poison pawn because look. Boris, hey. Look what happens.

Sorry I missed you. Yeah, you're sorry, you're sorry. Use your head next time.

You won't be sorry.

Boris. Yeah, do your homework next week. Don't waste my time.

Hey. Poison.

I got off work early today and I thought maybe we could walk home together.

Maybe I can make black-eyed peas and crab cakes for dinner.

No, I'm not hungry.

What's the matter?

My ulcer's been killing me all day.

I thought you didn't have an ulcer. No, I said they can't find an ulcer. Not

that I don't have one. Those malpractice medical mental midgets, they drop that

endoscope down my throat and probe me like coal miners, and they always come

up with nothing.

Well, guess what happened today?

I got a talking to this boy on the job, and he asked me out on a date.

Really? Mm-hmm.

I could tell he liked me right off, and, uh... We went and had coffee and just

had, you know, funny banter.

You know what banter is. It's like flirty talk. Yeah, yeah, I'm familiar

with banter. Yeah, so anyway, he asked me if I had a boyfriend.

I said, not really.

He said, I'll pick you up Friday at 8.

What do you think?

Great. I just hope he's not Ted Bundy, you know.

A who?

You have to keep an eye out for serial killers.

No, he's not a serial killer.

At least he didn't mention it. Yeah, well, you have to be careful.

Sometimes they put you in the trunk of a car and you can't breathe. I'm serious.

Well, I told him your theory about the capital punishment.

What did you say?

That it should include people that don't pick up after their dogs, people that

ride their bikes on the sidewalk, people that call mothers moms, and, uh, I don't

know, I can't remember them all. You have so many.

Subnormal. Wow, what's wrong?

That's an awfully aggressive ensemble.

You looking to wind up in an abortion clinic?

I want to look nice.

Just kind of give him an idea of what he might be in for if he plays his cards

right. Oh yeah?

What's he in for?

All the stuff with a woman that you reject because you're a genius and

you're above it all. But I happen to be pretty sharp too and I have a natural

talent in the field of fooling around.

Yeah, well, I just hope you're saving your money so you can move out quickly,

you know, now that you're working.

Hi, Perry. Hey, sorry I'm late. I got stuck on the train. No, it's fine. Come

on in.

This is Perry.

Hi.

Your daughter's very lovely, Mr.

Celestine.

I'm not her father.

Grandfather? Perry, I told you I was staying with a friend.

So what do you do, Perry?

He's studying investments and investing things mm-hmm you got me

Identification Pardon me. Yeah driver's

license birth certificate No, sir. I never carry around my birth certificate.

Why would I?

Be careful Bundy sometimes poses a banker. Oh, I'm gonna finish getting

ready. I'll be right back

Melody tells me you're a very brilliant man.

An IQ of 200 is brilliant.

She explained to me your theory about life being meaningless.

Don't let it spoil your evening.

Okay, let's go, Perry.

Oh, hey, come here.

Don't give him any information about me.

Like what?

You know, dates, credit card numbers, blood type, things like that.

Goodbye, Boris.

Oh, and hey, if I'm not here when you get back, don't worry.

Oh?

Where are you going?

Out.

Okay, fine.

Yeah. Okay. I have friends, too. Yeah.

Oh,

get

the hell out of here. In America, they have summer camps for everything.

Rich kids.

Basketball camp. Magic camp. Tennis camp. Tennis camp.

Movie director camp.

They should have a concentration camp.

Two weeks mandatory for all kids growing up so they would finally understand what

the human race is capable of. Brilliant. Except who would send their kid to a

concentration camp?

A responsible parent who wants their child to grasp reality.

All right, all right, all right. Let's change the subject.

Meanwhile, Harry Lawson died. Harry Lawson? I heard.

Really? Just celebrated his 51st birthday. What a great chemist. But he

was a smoker.

Oh, the smoker. The minute a person dies, he's a smoker or overweight.

Hey, I got news for you.

Thin non-smokers die too, okay?

Abstinence isn't going to save you.

You're pleasant tonight.

What are you talking about?

Where's Melody tonight?

She's out listening to some eardrum-busting bilge posing as music.

I thought you were going to kick her out.

Well, hopefully this guy and that will take her off my hands.

You know, why not? I mean, she's pretty.

Now she's pretty.

What? I'm just saying she's not atrocious looking, that's all.

I'd say, uh, seven or eight.

Anybody here?

Oh, you're up.

Hey, I just got in.

What did you do?

I went dancing at a Latin club. It was limbo night.

Shut up.

You were talking about people and politics and all that stuff you guys

like to hate.

Well, how was your date?

It was a big washout.

Really? Yeah. Oh, this particular rock band wasn't any good? I don't even know

how you can differentiate.

No, no, the music was fine. Just...

That guy and his friends, it's just... What?

Oh, his taste.

He just, he likes everything.

Life, love, human beings.

Oh, and the couple that we double dated with.

Protons. Protons?

Do I mean protons?

Cratons.

Cratons, that's what I mean.

Yeah, they didn't know the first thing about string theory.

I think you're a little drunk.

I did have a few drinks.

Can you blame me hanging out with those inchworms?

I mean, they actually think that love is the answer to everything.

And I told him about Jethro Page from back home.

He got caught doing it with his sheep.

Making love with his sheep.

And they were all... you know, laughing and everything, but I just looked at him

and I said, folks, as Boris would say, whatever works.

What are you looking at?

Unbelievable.

The chance factor in life is mind-boggling.

You enter the world by a random event.

somewhere along the Mississippi.

I, having emerged through the conjoining of Sam and Yeda Yelnikoff in the Bronx

decades earlier, and through an astronomical

concatenation of circumstances, our paths cross.

Two runaways in the vast black...

unspeakably violent and indifferent universe.

Can you believe I married her?

What possessment?

This search in life for something to give the illusion of meaning, to quell

the panic.

All right.

So it's been a year.

365 days of married life.

And you know what?

Not the worst year of my life either.

What are these?

They're grapes.

Seriously? Mm-hmm.

They're actually disgusting.

She's cheerful, not demanding.

Okay, not as brilliant as Jessica, but...

Not as ambitious and predatory either.

Jessica's problem was she made up an ego what she lacked in super ego.

But not Melody.

She likes being a nanny.

She's happy with other people's kids, so mercifully she doesn't bother me about

having our own.

Once a week we see a movie.

Maybe she doesn't understand everything I take her to, but she tries and she's a

good sport.

She sits up nights with me when I have my panic attacks.

She keeps me company at the emergency room when I'm convinced my mosquito bite

is a melanoma.

Yes, my life is circumscribed, but I manage to avoid stress.

I've achieved a delicate balance, and as long as I can maintain it, I feel less

inclined to ending it.

You heard what I said.

No turning back now.

Unacceptable. What? Don't try to get away. This is not... I like music. I can

dance, too. I know, I know. But this is brutal. Here, you know what I want you

to do?

Put this on, okay? And then when I come out, we'll discuss it.

All right.

I'll try.

It's Beethoven's Fifth.

Think of the music as fate knocking on the door.

Maybe a little story will help you appreciate it.

Fate knocking on the door.

Mother? Oh,

it's you.

Oh, my God. My baby.

I finally found you. Praise Jesus.

How did you find me?

Oh, my prayers were finally answered.

You're just the last person I expected to see.

When you least expect it, Faye has a way of knocking on your door. Yeah, it's

okay. Oh, you have a bag.

You have a... I just... What are you doing here?

I was trying to find you, honey. You were?

Yes. I came to find you. And you did?

Oh, we searched and searched.

The police looked for clues. Everything led to a dead end. Oh, how we worried. I

developed crow's feet from the worry and said, look here.

I had a little work done. Mother, I left you a letter. I told you I'd be all

right.

Melody St. Anne, I hardly call this all right. What's wrong with it?

What's wrong?

What's happened to your senses?

Everything's wrong.

You're living like a sharecropper.

But it's clean as a whistle. I clean it myself every day. You clean?

You don't have a woman?

Boris can't really afford help.

Who? Boris.

Who's Boris?

My husband.

What?

That's right, Mama. I got married.

And he's taking you to live here?

No, no. I moved in with him.

I have to have a drink.

I need to sit. I need an anesthetic. Okay, okay. Have a seat.

We don't have any bourbon or nothing.

Just bring me the drink with the highest volume of alcohol you have.

Happy. Kind of happy.

You leave a loving home in Eden, run off with some crazy kid. I'm guessing he's a

rock musician who can't earn a respectable living, and you wind up in

this decadent city living in a rat trap.

This is exactly why I ran away.

Why? Why, Miss Sweet Pea?

Why did you forsake your loving home? Because, Mama, you're overbearing.

That's it. You're overbearing.

And you fail to see the big picture.

What big picture are you talking about?

I don't know. All I know is that nothing moves faster than the speed of light, so

you may as well relax.

I'm just going to have a little moment of prayer.

Mama, you're still caught up in that Christian superstition?

What's that?

That's Boris.

It's his birthday.

And we just washed his hands.

What's this?

Boris, this is my mother.

Mother, my husband.

Walk her around. She's obviously a boozehound. Mom, aren't you all right?

Did he drug you? What? Are you on sodium pentothal? No.

That's what they do. The secular humanists.

It's uncanny. She's exactly the kind of moron you described.

You are not the gentleman I was expecting.

I'm sure not. I'm sure you'd be happy if she married the guy who caught the

biggest catfish in Plaquemine County.

I'd be happier if she married the catfish.

You see, Mama, Boris is a genius, okay? He doesn't have a lot of patience for us

inchworms. We, we inchworms. Some genius.

I was almost nominated for a Nobel Prize.

That's right, Boris. And what was it for again? Best picture?

I need more booze.

You know, you never said how you found me. Oh, Melody, I have a sad tale to

tell you. What happened, Mama?

Your father left me.

Oh.

Aren't you shocked?

No. And with who of all people? Oh, your best friend Mandy.

How did you know?

Mama, it was plain as the nose on your face.

Cliche, sorry.

First I thought he was acting peculiar because things was going so bad for us,

darling. How often did you have intercourse? Are you going to close that

insulting mouth?

By bad, I mean. He lost a lot of money in the stock market after you left, and

we were forced to sell the house. I'm sorry, yes. And we took a beating

because we were so desperate. And then he lost his job. The company went out of

business. And then we spent all our savings on medical bills because I came

down with a case of the shingles. This is like Job.

No locusts? Darling, I turned to Jesus in a deeper way than I had ever done in

my life. I prayed and I prayed every day and every night, asking God to help me.

Let me guess what happened. Your shingles got worse. I said, Lord, just

give me one sign that all my suffering is for a purpose.

I said, please, God, just say something. Break your silence. I can't take any

more misery.

Nothing, right? And all that money you put in the tin box every Sunday.

Abortion is murder. That's the long and short of it. That's how I feel. Even if

a woman is raped? Why are you wasting your breath, Brockman? You're dealing

with an aboriginal. You don't mind killing the unborn, but when some fiend

has raped and murdered your against, giving him that big old injection?

Well, not me, Mr. Genius. And I don't care how many Academy Awards you've won.

I've never won an Academy Award, and I've never played for the Yankees. Oh,

where's the little girl? Oh, it's back there.

Thank you.

Don't forget to sing the Star Spangled Banner before you sit.

Excuse me, excuse me. I realize this is forward, but who's that beautiful young

girl you're with?

May I ask why you want to know?

Well, because she's very beautiful, and I'm assuming she's your daughter?

What did you say your name was, darling?

Randy. Oh, Randy. Randy Lee James.

Randy Lee James. Nice to meet you. Still good. I think they're putting mayonnaise

in here. No, they can't put mayonnaise in it. Hello.

Oh, thank you. Who are you talking to? Oh, I wasn't talking to anybody.

No, I... Listen, listen. I want to go someplace fun. Take me someplace fun.

It's New York. Let's go.

Boy, where can I take her that's fun?

How about the Holocaust Museum?

No. Oh,

the wax. The wax figures. Oh, yes. Yes, yes. Let's go. Let's do that.

It was so nice to meet you, Leah. Have a nice day. Bye.

Bye.

Have fun.

You know, I have to say, even with a textbook right-wing mentality, your

mother-in-law has beautifully shaped breasts.

You know, you're a man of learning, of cultivation, of aesthetic sensibility.

This is what you take away from all that school prayer hokum in my country, right

or wrong, a bosom? It's not just a bosom.

Her behind is also beautifully contoured.

Well, I'm sure you'll have no problem getting her to bed. She's vulnerable,

she's stupid, and she's been abandoned.

Personally, I lose all erotic inclination when the woman's a member of

the National Rifle Association.

It's pear-shaped.

Dager used to distinguish between an apple-shaped behind and pear-shaped.

And I'm a big fruit eater.

That's so weird.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, hello.

They're made out of real wax, too. Oh, it's Billy, Billy. Oh, Billy Graham.

Oh,

sweet pea.

Sweet Pink, this is the kind of man you should be married to. Not that communist

who sings happy birthday every time he washes his hands.

How long are you staying, Mom?

Well, honey, I don't know where else to go. I have nothing to hold on to.

Nothing. I have to have something.

I mean, I'm never going to attract a man again, but you can.

Yes. I don't want to get in an argument.

Honey, I met a young man today who is perfect for you. Mine?

Yes, listen to me. He is talented, handsome, sweet, and he has the proper

reverence for life and its higher purpose.

What are you talking about?

Oh, face it, Melanie. Boris is not like a real husband. He's more of an

outpatient, and you're his keeper.

I really wish you hadn't showed up, Mom.

His name is Randy Lee James.

Who? This delightful young actor, he fell in love with you at first sight. He

did. He did. Mom, I'm married. Oh, I refuse to recognize it. What are you

doing with a gimpy chest bum who has to sleep with the light on? How'd he get

that limp?

He jumped out the window and his suicide didn't work.

Well, you can't win them all. Now listen, I have a good lawyer who can get

all of this annulled. All of it. No, no, Mom, no. You're crazy.

Oh, hello.

Happy birthday, dear Boris.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear

Boris.

Happy birthday to you.

You could be calling at midnight.

Could be burglars casing the place.

To steal what?

Your Flomax?

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Yeah, just... Just a second.

This is for me.

Don't give away any information about me.

Hello. Oh, hello, Leo.

That's Leo Brockman. Brockman?

Really? Oh.

Well, that sounds wonderful.

Oh, well, yeah, Sunday's fine.

Yeah. Oh, three.

Well, three's perfect.

Okay. Yeah, see you, darling.

See you, darling.

See you, darling. Oh, God, poor Brockman.

Good night, y'all.

I'm going to say my prayers.

I'm praying Brockman has herpes.

That was so wonderful.

I never in my life saw a movie in Japanese before.

Did you like it? Oh, yes.

I've never seen a movie made by a foreigner.

John, my husband, took me to see stupid movies, which was all there was.

How do you say this, Chateau? What?

The what?

Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise?

Yeah. It is so delicious.

I'm glad you like it.

What do you do? What do you do, Leo?

Well, I teach philosophy in the university around the corner.

Tell me something.

Is Boris really a genius?

There was a time when he was a very fine physicist.

You know, your daughter's very good for Boris. It's my theory that she keeps him

going.

Would you like to see some pretty pictures of Melody?

Oh, goodness.

All right.

Okay.

Look, here they are.

Look at these.

Right there. That's where she is, Miss Natchez. Wow. Look at her.

And she was Miss Tupelo.

Oh, God. Look at how gorgeous she is. She's so beautiful. I love her. I love

her. Very lovely. I was so proud of her. These pictures are kind of interesting.

I know.

gorgeous and she has this she's just my little sweet pea but i mean the photos

did you take them um yes yes and this oh that's

our house ah well it was is there more wine yeah you took all these uh yes with

my little old kodak these are outstanding i mean there's such a sense

of texture and composition in these no No, I mean it. I know what I'm talking

about. I occasionally write about the aesthetics of photography.

Oh, my God. I have to tell you something.

Aside from Melanie's career, there is nothing, nothing in the whole world that

gave me more pleasure than taking those snapshots.

Of course, John agreed. Cheers. John hated them and didn't want me to do it.

Why?

Well, he actually was fine, and then I set up this dark room, and he thought I

was, like, squandering all this time on silliness, and I guess he had a point,

but... I mean, nowadays, who uses a Kodak anymore?

It's a little Kodak. And I have to tell you something, it is fantastic. It is so

simple to use. It's tiny. I picked it up at, like, a garage sale.

And it just, it's so much better than those big foreign ones. No, they're

pretty good. They've got a real haunting quality. They're very primitive.

Well, I really think you should talk to my friend, Al Morgenstern.

He runs a photography gallery.

Why?

Have you got more of these?

Oh.

Oh, Lord, yes.

You know, all my travels with the pageants, I have the kids and the towns

and the winners and the losers. The losers are the best.

And then I have all these show folk, the twirlers, the magicians, the fire

eaters, you know, things like that. They're amazing. They've got such an

original quality. I'll talk to Al first thing in the morning.

Oh, no. You know, I think you're making too much over a little gift the good

Lord Jesus gave me.

It's not the only gift he gave you.

You know those clean-cut, church-going young men who are model kids and good to

their neighbors and quote the Bible and never do a wrong thing, and then one

day, for whatever reason, they grab a rifle and go to a tower and pick off

everyone in town?

Okay, this is her, but sexually.

She slept with Leo Brockman, never having been to bed with anyone before

but her husband, and suddenly the genie was out of the bottle.

She likes sleeping with Brockman, and she likes sleeping with Brockman's

friends, Brockman's acquaintances, Brockman's acquaintances' acquaintances.

Brockman took her photos to Morgenstern. He loved them.

He decided to show them in his gallery.

When he did, everyone thought they were great, a brilliant primitive.

Soon Morgenstern would become smitten with her.

First she moved in with Brockman, then she moved in with Morgenstern, then she

moved in with Brockman and Morgenstern.

She started dabbling with collages.

Small ones at first, but they would become bolder.

She started dressing differently.

Soon all her deep-rooted beliefs went right down the toilet where they

belonged.

She experimented with exotic pleasures.

A new Marietta was born.

The one thing that remained constant?

She hated her son-in-law. There's some pictures over there.

Oh, yes, maybe that.

Okay.

What do you think, Mom?

I'm not sure. You know, it's for this collage, and I've had this vision in

black and white of nude men, women, body parts, squares.

That sounds confusing.

Well, it's an homage to lust. To lust. Yeah.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Hi, I need a female opinion. Which of these two would a young woman prefer? I

can't decide.

Oh, I don't know. They're both so beautiful.

It depends.

What type is she?

Well, she's quite young and very lovely looking.

Blonde hair, otherwise.

Yeah, but what's she like?

Well, okay, she's from the South, although she lives here in New York now.

Really? Yeah.

And she's a nanny.

Well, to tell you the truth, she's actually living with some man. I mean,

they're married, although he's not the best she can do, and she thinks she

loves him, but it's only because she mistakes his pessimistic despair for

wisdom, believing he's a genius.

I'd say she's more of a nurse to him than a wife, because he's much older

than she is.

That sounds so familiar.

I just can't put my finger on it.

Well, it's sort of like mine, actually.

It is?

Yeah. I mean, not exactly, but I can't help but see some similarities.

I'd say that one.

Okay.

Here.

Here what?

It's for you.

For me?

Yes, I thought I'd buy.

Here's something lovely.

Oh, no, I can't accept a gift from a stranger. Well, why not?

I'm married.

Yes, but it may not last forever.

Well, you know, nothing lasts forever.

You know, not even Shakespeare or Michelangelo or Greek people.

Even as we're standing here talking right now, we're just flying apart at an

unimaginable speed.

Gee, I never thought of it that way.

Yeah.

Should we be holding each other so we don't fall?

Well, you have to hold on to whatever love you can in this cruel existence.

Speaking of love, I've been in love with you ever since that first moment I saw

you and met your mother at the Mogador Cafe many months ago.

Oh,

you're... You're... Did my mother... Randy James.

Oh, the actor, of course. I can hear your accent now.

Oh, my mother talks about you all the time, and she's always telling me I have

to meet you, and I'm saying, wow, why do I have to meet him? But he's so good

-looking, and yeah, you are. Thank you.

I've moved to New York permanently now, and I live on a houseboat with a friend

of mine. You live on a boat?

Yes, I do. I'm very romantic by nature, so I live on a boat, and I read, and I

think, and play my flute. Mom!

Oh, be still, Melody.

There's nothing wrong with expanding your horizons. I've certainly expanded

mine.

You know what? I'm really sorry, but I think that my mother badly gave you the

wrong impression because I'm happily married. No, no, no, no, no. She's not,

Randy. She's nursemaid to a roach.

Goodbye, Mother.

Goodbye, Mr. James.

I told you you'd get the hang of it. Okay, you know what? Let's just stop.

Let's stop. Stop? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop. Stop.

Yeah. All right. I need to sit for a minute.

You know, I'm just doing it for the aerobics anyway, otherwise it's moronic.

I think it's relaxing.

Relaxing? What are you kidding?

It's too nerve-wracking to mingle with all those sub-mentals on bicycles.

It's like driving a car.

Those hostile, belligerent morons all get driver's licenses.

Of course, to have children, you don't need a license.

No proof of anything.

You need a license to fish.

You need a license to be a barber. You need a license to sell hot dogs.

You know, you read about these poor kids beat and starve, you wonder, why are

these parents allowed to even have them? Boris, Boris.

You know, sometimes I think you're so determined not to enjoy anything in

life, just out of spite.

You know, like a child who's throwing a tantrum because he can't have his own

way. Wow.

Listen to you.

That's a reasonably wise insight for a simple-minded type like yourself.

Honestly, you surprise and delight me sometimes, you know that?

I really don't know what I'd do without you. Seriously.

What are you doing with that?

This?

Nothing. I just got it at the flea market.

Who needs an antique handkerchief?

I thought it was pretty.

Yeah, but God knows throughout history who blew his nose in it.

Honey, I think you should include these photos at your opening next week. Oh, I

love those photos. Al, what do you think? I chose those. Absolutely

fantastic. Sweetheart, you've managed to make an existential statement about

sexual perversity and human freedom. It's so full of erotic imagination. Oh,

thank you so much.

Thank you.

Who is it? Somebody named Randy Jones.

Oh, Randy Jones.

Hello? Hey.

Young man, hello, hello.

Listen, she's going to be at Uniqlo at around 3. You can run into her and try

your luck.

You know she saved the handkerchief you gave her, so it's not a hopeless cause.

And I'm telling you, I saw fire behind her eyes.

Fire. Good luck, darling.

What was that? Oh, nothing. Come on, gumbo.

Let's go.

Who would have ever thought that gumbo would become my favorite dish? All this

and she cooks stew.

Oh, my God.

Hello.

So, I guess you just happen to be shopping here, right?

I was buying this shirt, you must know.

Uh-huh. You like it?

It's okay.

Just okay?

I thought it made me look dashing.

Looks aren't your problem.

Oh, no? What is?

You're too forward.

I think about you a lot.

Well, I don't think about you.

So, what's it like being married to a genius?

Who wants to know?

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a boy. I just... I just had, like, you know... It

has its pluses and minuses.

Yes? And what are the drawbacks?

I don't know. I mean... Well, naturally, with a very advanced mind, you find a

lot of things wrong with everything, and... Mainly, he just doesn't like

people. You know, he says at the rate they're going, they make themselves

extinct. Right.

It can just be exhausting being around a genius all the time.

So, what are the pluses of being the wife of such a dazzling mind?

Well, he's smart.

You said that.

He's clever.

Uh-huh.

He really means well.

You know, he's just a little crazy.

I guess the good part is that I'm the wife of a genius, which I never really

thought I could swing.

Why not?

I guess I thought I'd have to be smarter.

You want to see my boat? I mean, my friend's boat, where I live.

I don't think that's a good idea.

I dreamt about you last night.

Don't use that line, because Boris said that he dreamt about me last night, and

I really doubt it's mathematically possible for me to be in two dreams at

one time.

It's down there on the right-hand side.

Well, this is it.

It's not much, but it's home, and I don't pay rent, so... Oh, this is kind

of sweet living on the water.

And it rocks just the tiniest bit, so I sleep like a baby on it.

Randy, I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm married.

That doesn't mean I have feelings for you.

You don't really know me.

Yes, but I'm a romantic, and I believe in love at first sight.

Well, that's true. You know, Boris says that love isn't logical.

And I adore the way you talk and all the funny things you say.

Where can it lead?

Let's drink to love at first sight.

I can't. When I drink, I get very silly and touchy and... That's what your mum

said. That's why I bought the bottle.

She's quite a mum.

Don't use that locution. It's for inchworms.

Sorry.

Is that you in the picture?

Yeah. That's me and Juno in the Peacock.

I bet you're a really good actor.

I try.

Although I'll never be a genius.

You certainly are handsome enough to be a star.

Thank you.

I'll cherish that compliment.

Oh, my God.

What are you thinking?

Entropy.

Entropy?

Entropy. Boris explained it. It's why you can't get the toothpaste back in the

tube.

You mean... Once something happens, it's... difficult.

Better back the way it was.

The war says love is all about luck.

I think so too, but isn't that just because we're young and we think we're

going to live forever and then we grow old and get diabetes?

Maybe.

Look, I do agree there's not much you can be sure of in this world.

Have you ever heard of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle?

I haven't heard of it yet.

You know, the observer influences the experiment?

Uh-huh.

It's just like...

When my mother makes love to one of the guy she's living with a certain way when

they're alone But when she's in front of the other guy, she she does it

differently I Had no idea so sexual

oh

Wait, I always carry some Viagra with me. That's all right. I eat a lot of red

meat

I really like the way these pants fit.

Hey, you okay?

You seem awfully quiet lately.

Yeah.

We're gonna be late for Mom's gallery opening.

Hope you're not coming down with anything.

You know, Brodsky's kids got the measles.

Can you still get the measles?

I had a shot when I was younger, but how long does it last?

Who's that?

I don't know. I'm not expecting anyone.

Melody. Daddy?

Oh, my little girl, I found you. Oh, Lord, your mother and I searched and

searched, but then we ran out of leads.

I used every connection I had at the police force. We even called the FBI,

but you're okay.

Things are going to be fine now. Your ordeal is over.

What ordeal?

You're abducted.

Tell me if my theory is correct. You were chloroformed by polygamous Mormons.

They took you off to be someone's bride. I was not abducted. Didn't anybody read

my letters?

Yeah, but I assumed you were forced to write them at gunpoint. Who's this?

Who are you?

This is Boris, my husband.

Boris your who?

He's my husband. I'm Mrs. Boris Yelnikov. Who are you?

I'm her husband. You want to pass out here or go in the living room?

Where's your mother?

What do you care? You cheated on her and then dumped her for Mandy Blackburn of

all people. I made a terrible mistake. I committed the sin of self-indulgence.

I've come to beg your mother's forgiveness.

You might want to rethink that, Daddy.

I want to see her. I see death by culture shock.

You can tell me, Melody. She has every right to hate me. And she does. Believe

me. I can handle the truth. Does she hate me? That was a pretty awful thing

you did with her best friend.

Then she hates me? Yes, yes. She hates you. I can't stand this. I hate you and

I just met you.

Lord, you tell me this creature took you to bed?

No, no, no. She took me. Yeah, when I met Boris, he hated sex.

Yeah, think of it, Mr. Celestine. The absurd choreography, like a sewing

machine. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Toward what end? Making more

children? What the hell are you talking about?

Reproducing the species over and over.

Toward what goal?

Carrying out what moronic design?

What happened to Mandy?

It was a mess, a nightmare.

Lord, I've sinned.

Please forgive me. Why do all the religious psychotics wind up praying at

my doorstep? Can you tell me? Lord, in your infinite mercy, I've done wrong.

You want to tell him or should I?

Tell me what?

Daddy, there's nobody out there.

Honest. You're praying to no one. You're wasting your breath just like you're

going to be wasting it on Mom.

What, you're telling me she met another man?

Not just a man. What?

You can expect her to not move on with her life and, you know.

Oh, Lord.

What's he like?

He's got four arms and two noses. You better butt out, stranger.

Melody will tell you I don't need my shotgun to be a whole passel of trouble.

Now I want to see Marietta.

Now, Dad, I'm trying to remember, you haven't seen Mom in a year. A year is

not forever. How much can a person change?

And with that, they entered the gallery.

Oh, my God.

What?

Marietta? John Celestine.

Look what the cat dragged in.

Marietta, what happened to you?

Well, darling, it's you that absconded. You showed up at the door today. Yes,

yes, yes, with the promiscuous whore who called herself my best friend. I'll find

you. Excuse me. Pardon me. It's over, Marietta. Mandy and I were a terrible

mistake. I've come back for you. Well, honey, I'm in the middle of my opening.

Yeah, Dad, this is Mom's exhibition.

Isn't it great?

Exhibition of what?

Well, the collages.

What? She's thinking of buying this pornography?

I got news for you. She's the pornographer.

Marietta, who are you?

John, you never understood me, honey. Your vision never extended beyond the

backyard. You always had your gun clubs and your fishing trips and football. You

never took a little minute to find out about me. And you're always too busy

putting her in pageants and coaching her speeches and teaching her baton

twirling. Yes, yes, that's true. I was sublimating my own creative needs and

forcing them on our daughter. You were what? Yeah, she was sublimating.

Sublimating. Honey, why don't you go on back to Mandy Blackburn? Her pygmy

mentality is much closer to you now. Much closer. Well, I can't go back to

her. Oh. Why not?

She cast aspersions on my manhood. Oh. What are we talking? Size, duration,

erectile dysfunction?

Would you mind your own business?

Marietta, how could you forsake your own family?

I want us all back home to start over. I'm a different woman, John.

I can't believe what I'm seeing. I mean, your clothes are different. Your speech

is a little more effective. But deep down, I know you're the same.

Pretty, small town, God-fearing, church-going, pie-baking. I'm living

with two guys.

Girl scout mom.

You're what? I'm an artist.

I don't bake pies. I don't go to church.

I do collages, sculpture, photography.

I live in Manhattan with two men who I love in a very happy menage a trois.

A what?

Well, we all sleep together.

A menage a trois.

I knew we should never trust the goddamn French.

It's amazing, Melody.

Thousands of years ago, ancient peoples, Egyptians, Romans, Mayans, We're walking

home, just like us, discussing where should they eat or making small talk.

Hey, we just bought a great house on the Nile with a yard overlooking the

Pharaoh's new pyramid.

Of course.

Or my physician says peacock tongues are bad for your heart.

Of course.

Or I'm worried I can't get my kid into a really good Aztec preschool.

What the hell does it all mean now? Zilch.

They thought it was important.

Doris, can I talk to you for a minute?

And I was raised in a religious home.

Job's wife was my favorite character in the Bible because she chose death rather

than obsequious acceptance like that massacre she married.

Boris? Boris, can we sit down for a second?

Well, we have to go home. I know. Come here. I have to say something.

But we always go home now. I know. I know. I know we have a standard routine.

I need to have my drink and a shower.

And, you know, you see it as routine. But for me, the consistency helps keep

me from becoming unnerved.

I know. You require a certain ritual.

And then after the shower, our dinner. But not crawfish pie again. I got

indigestion from it last time. I thought I had thyroid cancer.

Boris, I met someone else. I've fallen in love.

And then some Beethoven or maybe some Schubert for a change. But, you know,

you met someone else.

I'm not saying I don't have very deep feelings for you. I do.

You met someone else.

Yes.

And you want us to live in a threesome like your mother?

Boris, when you found me, I was very young.

You're still very young.

Yes, but I've grown. I've grown so much, and mainly because of you.

Yes, it's true. I have been very patient with your phenomenal ignorance.

You can always count on me for anything.

I just... I guess I'm at a very impressionable age, and I...

I can't think of a way to say this well.

You don't have to say it well.

I want to.

I completely understand.

I do.

This does not run counter to my convictions that love relationships are

almost invariably transient.

I don't really think that's true if they're right.

Really?

You have your own ideas?

Just a couple. You know, they're not very deep, but as cruel as life is, I

miss participating in the world.

You know, I even miss people, even the inchworms and the kratons, because I

don't really think they're bad. I think they're just scared.

I think you're making the correct decision.

Boris. I mean it.

I'm a profound and sensitive soul with an enormous grasp of the human

condition.

It was inevitable you would eventually grow tired of being so grossly

overmatched.

Greatness isn't easy to live with, even by someone of normal intelligence.

You're upset.

I don't expect you to understand how good you... Believe me.

If I can understand quantum mechanics, I can certainly comprehend the thought

process of a submental baton twirler.

Boris.

It's okay.

I knew this day would come. I really did.

The universe is winding down. Why shouldn't we?

Again?

I'll have another two.

She left me.

Can you believe it?

What am I talking about? I left her.

She's alone.

Now, no matter which way she turns in bed, she's got a husband.

My wife left me, too.

I'm sure she was beautiful, just like my wife.

Norman?

Norman was gorgeous.

He was the greatest runway model Versace ever had.

I thought you said your wife.

We were married in Holland.

You married a guy?

What else?

But that would make you... What?

A widow?

Norman didn't die.

Not a widow.

Gay?

A member of the...

Of what?

The homosexual persuasion.

My God.

You make it sound like a religion.

Yes, if it's a religion, you could call me devout.

A fanatic.

But that's a sin against God's law.

God is gay.

It can't be. He made the whole universe perfect. The oceans, the skies, the

beautiful flowers, the trees, everywhere.

That's right. He's a decorator.

But what do you miss about him? I still don't get it.

Everything.

His face.

His kindness. His sense of humor.

Our mutual passion.

The way we'd dance and he'd dip me back and kiss me.

Jesus.

Why'd he leave you? She leave you. Norman.

He wants to live in Paris.

I can't leave my sick mother.

Is your mother a woman?

She used to look like Marlena Dietrich.

What's the difference? They all hurt you in the end.

Every woman, whether they're male or female.

Why'd yours leave you?

I left her for a best friend, but it didn't work out.

Why not?

Can I be perfectly frank with you?

I don't shock easily.

I couldn't make love to her.

Why not?

It was fine at first, but then I lost interest.

I wanted Marietta back, which is funny because in the last years I really

didn't have a lot of sexual interest in Marietta.

That happens with you heteros.

We always have interest.

Christ, if I'm going to be honest, you know, I never, ever really had a burning

sexual desire for Marietta.

Why'd you marry her?

It was a thing to do. Everybody where I lived, you had a wife and children

and... Can I really level with you?

Of course.

John, John Celestine.

Of course, John.

I'm Howard Cummings, née Kaminsky.

I married Marietta because I was afraid.

Of what?

The way I felt towards the tight end on the football team.

No.

Every time he got in the line of scrimmage and bent over.

Bartender, another round for my friend and me, please?

Can you believe I blew it twice?

I jumped out the window and landed on a woman walking her dog.

She got hurt.

I got off scot-free.

Don't you realize the consequences of your actions impact on other people?

Oh, come on. Seriously.

No, what if you had committed suicide?

Think, think, if you didn't exist, how the world would suddenly change in ways

you can't imagine. Oh, my God. You know what? You sound like that movie they ram

down your throat every Christmas.

What? What if the guardian angel had saved Jimmy Stewart and Jimmy Stewart

was the guy who smoked in bed and he lived and caused a fire that killed 60

people? So?

How about that?

Is everybody's life still worth saving?

Even if it's Christmas?

Come on, seriously.

You must have a very dim view of the human race. Oh, the human race.

They've had to install... automatic toilets in public restrooms because

people can't be entrusted to flush a toilet. Come on, flushing a toilet? They

can't even flush a toilet!

Visiting time is over.

You're kicking me out?

Yeah. Seriously?

Yeah, absolutely.

All right, listen.

Honestly, I'm really sorry about all this.

Is there anything I can do to make this up to you?

Can I get you something? What can I do?

If I can never walk again, you can buy me dinner.

What do you do, Helena?

I'm a psychic.

I'm sorry.

Really?

I was born with a very rare gift I can see into the future.

If you can see into the future, how came you didn't know I was going to jump out

a building and land on top of you?

Maybe I did.

We're so excited.

Howard is selling the gym, but we're going to open up an antique shop in

Chelsea. Art Deco. We're going to have a wonderful collection of movie posters.

Can you believe this, Cracker?

This red state Neanderthal? This mindless zombie of the National Rifle

Association? My shrink says that the guns were all a manifestation of my

sexual inadequacy. Yeah, if it wasn't for sexual inadequacy, the National

Rifle Association would go broke.

He's moved in with Howard Cummings, nay, Kaminsky. And not only is he sleeping

with a man, soon he'll be celebrating Purim.

More important, for the first time in his adult life, he's happy.

I should have known why I was failing you, Marietta, not fulfilling your

womanly needs.

Which turned out to be quite considerable.

Mine, too. But not with the sex I've been raised to be attracted to. You're

like a changed man, John. Your whole personality is sunnier.

If only it had been that way.

I couldn't when I was making love to you. I was a square peg in a round hole.

You should pardon the metaphor.

Well, I just hope you two lucked out and found the right person in each other.

I know I lucked out.

What about you, Boris?

As you would say in the crude fashion of your generation, I totally lucked out.

It just shows what meaningless blind chance the universe is.

Everybody schemes and dreams to meet the right person.

And I jump out a window and land on her. And a psychic hit. I mean, come on. Talk

about the irrational heart.

Not to mention I've developed a fondness for grits.

I have a question.

Am I a member of my generation?

Yes, don't worry. I'll explain it to you.

Hey, hey, hold on. Hold on. The ball's about to drop.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four, three, two, one.

Thank you.

I happen to hate New Year's celebrations.

Everybody desperate to have fun.

Trying to celebrate in some pathetic little way.

Celebrate what?

Step closer to the grave?

That's why I can't say enough times.

Whatever love you can get and give.

Whatever happiness you can filch or provide.

Every temporary measure of grace.

Whatever works.

And don't kid yourself.

It's by no means all up to your own human ingenuity.

A bigger part of your existence is luck than you like to admit.

Christ, you know the odds of your father's one sperm from the billions

finding the single egg that made you?

Don't think about it. You'll have a panic attack.

What are you doing? Who are you talking to? Look, there's people out there

watching us.

Out there? Yeah, they're watching.

What?

Well,

there was when we started. I don't know how many are left. Does anybody see

anybody out there? Out there? No.

Poor enough.

See?

I'm the only one who sees the whole picture.

That's what they mean by genius.