Original subtitles

[♪ acoustic guitar playing]

[tab clicks]

[♪ "Yahoos and Triangles" by The Refreshments playing]

♪

[♪ theme song concludes]

Alright, everyone act normal when we see Bill.

Just pretend like this is an ordinary day.

Which, of course, it isn't.

For reasons I've forgotten.

[sighs] It's the anniversary of the day Lenore divorced Bill.

It's Christmas Eve?! I didn't give Joseph my list.

No, Lenore left him on Christmas Eve. The divorce was later.

Remember how hard he cried on last year's anniversary?

He didn't stretch beforehand and pulled a calf muscle.

And the year before that, I saw him on the roof

flying a kite during a thunderstorm.

He was trying to Franklin himself.

Well, I figure the best thing we could do for him this year

is to keep him occupied with a project.

His car could certainly use a little detailing.

Yep. And while we're at it,

we can fix his catalytic converter.

What's wrong with his catalytic converter?

- I borrowed it. - Dammit, Dale.

[♪ upbeat country music playing]

[camera clicking]

[Emilio] Yeah, that food blogger guy

is totally into those dumplings.

Dave Veal is not a "food blogger."

He's the food critic at the Dallas Daily Digest.

A good review from him would put us on the Texas culinary map.

He's closing his eyes as he chews. That means he loves it!

He might just be trying to focus on the flavors.

Everyone closes their eyes when they love something.

That's why I always close my eyes at the gun range.

- [door bell jingling] - [Peggy, Minh and Nancy laughing]

Oh, boy. Let me handle this bunch myself.

What an unexpected surprise!

[quietly] A heads up would've been nice.

I know. Sorry!

We were just out celebrating with Minh.

I finally got Kahn removed from the house deed.

I'm a divorcee and a homeowner.

American Dream complete!

[Bobby groaning] Why don't you ladies have a seat

and I'll bring over some water?

[Bobby clearing throat]

Mom, there's a food critic here today.

He's right over there. So please--

Say no more. I will go talk to him.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't talk to him.

Let the food speak for itself.

Okay. Then I could translate what the food is trying to say.

Mom! Don't talk to him. Don't look at him.

Don't even look like you're trying not to look at him.

You know how you can help?

Keep your friends under control.

Is she stealing one of our glasses?

And that is what got us kicked out of Applebee's.

[vertical blinds sliding]

Howdy, fellas!

[Hank Hill] Hi, Bill.

Hey, you're wearing pants. That's a good sign.

Way to go, Bill!

You guys are being awful nice today. Are you okay?

- Yep. - Yes, sir.

Just a little buzzed, you know.

Well, we're just excited to get to work on that car of yours,

remember?

So, you wanna start with the pressure washer,

the power buffer, or do you want us to surprise you?

Ooh! I completely forgot we were supposed to do that today.

[chuckles] I'm actually on my way out.

- Rain check? - Uh, where are you off to, Bill?

- My appointment. - What kind of appointment?

It's a personal appointment.

[sighs deeply] I've started doing cuddle therapy.

What?

Cuddle therapy.

I pay a professional cuddler at The Cuddle Clinic

to, well, cuddle me, hug me,

and rub my back, and scratch my head.

[chuckles] That kind of thing.

Talkin' 'bout world's oldest profession, man.

No, there's nothin' sexual about it.

There are all kinds of benefits to human touch.

It releases oxytocin, it relieves stress,

and it makes me feel less depressed.

I found out about it from a widower's support group.

Uh, Lenore's not dead.

But I'm dead to her.

I usually get the gloomies this time of year.

Not sure if you've noticed. But not this year.

I'm feeling awfully good!

[chuckles] And it's all thanks to cuddling.

Now, if you'll excuse me, fellas.

I'll work on the car with you guys later this afternoon.

[engine starting, rumbling loudly]

[shouting] I think someone stole my catalytic converter again.

Oh, well! See ya later!

[yelling] Seems like he's in a good place!

[♪ mellow music playing]

[♪ upbeat country music playing]

Maybe not around here, but when I lived in Anaheim,

second base was between the boobs.

[Minh and Nancy laughing]

- [♪ suspenseful music plays] - [Dave slurping]

[Peggy Hill] Oh, no. He's closing his eyes.

That means he hates it.

I should go and see what is wrong.

Come on, Sug, you promised Bobby you wouldn't talk to him.

I did, and I will not.

[speaking loudly] Nancy, isn't this guy-yoza to die for?

- [Minh and Nancy chuckling] - Wait, maybe I am dead,

because I am in heaven.

[♪ dramatic suspenseful music plays]

Oh, no. We have been made.

Look away. Maybe he won't--

[whispering] He's walking towards us right now.

Mrs. Hill? Mrs. Hill, the substitute English teacher?

Yes, I am Peggy Hill,

and I taught many subjects at many schools.

I pioneered the position-less substitute teaching era.

You were my English teacher for a whole semester at Arlen High.

You subbed in after Mrs. Donovan was fired for sleeping with a student.

That's right. I heard she kept the baby.

I love running into my former pupils.

And what is your name?

Uh, Dave. Dave Veal.

That does not ring a bell.

But Dave, congrats on becoming a food critic. [laughing]

My former student is reviewing my current son's food.

It's a Peggy Hill Palooza!

Ohh. Your son works here.

He's the head chef and partial owner.

And I taught him everything he knows.

So, in a way, you are reviewing me.

I-- I can't do this review.

It would be a huge conflict of interest.

- Excuse me, ladies. - Wait, but...

[door bell jingling]

[♪ pensive guitar music plays]

- [Bobby growling] - Technically, he talked to me first.

[♪ subdued music playing]

[engine rumbling loudly]

[engine stops]

What's up, fellas? You guys are out here kinda late.

We were waiting for ya! We're supposed to be fixin' your car.

I'm sorry. There were some cancellations

at The Cuddle Clinic,

so I got to do three sessions back-to-back.

Although the cuddling itself is back-to-front.

[laughing] That's a little cuddle humor for ya.

You cuddled for three whole hours?

How much are these sessions running you?

Well, it's not about the money, Hank.

Well, let's say it was. How much money would it be?

Two hundred dollars.

A session?!

It's worth it!

My cuddlin' instructor said I'm one of the most touch-starved men

she's ever worked with.

They think I'm going to need a lot more therapy.

I've got two more sessions tomorrow.

Bill, it sounds like they're takin' advantage of ya.

I know it may seem strange, but it's really helping me.

You should try it, Hank.

- No, I shouldn't. - Okay.

At any rate, with my cuddlin' schedule,

I don't think I'll have time to work on the car tomorrow.

Probably isn't worth fixin' anyway.

- But Bill, you-- - Sorry!

Big day at the clinic tomorrow. Gotta go moisturize.

It's like watchin' someone become an addict.

- Yep. - Yep.

[both slurping]

- [empty can rattling] - [lighter clicks]

[♪ mellow music playing]

[beer can clattering]

What did he say that place was called? The Hugging Depot?

Cuddle Clinic. Look.

[Hank] "Are you lonely? Depressed? Scared?

Come have a cuddle." [shuddering]

[Bill Dauterive] Mm.

[Mary] Most of us experience a healthy amount of touch

when we're younger, from contact-friendly activities

like sports, school, and war.

As we get older, we rely on romantic partners

for physical connection.

But for some people, that's just not possible.

That's where we come in.

When the world gives you the cold shoulder,

put your head on ours.

Because here at The Cuddle Clinic, we love the way you feel.

[Bill] Mm.

That was disturbing.

[♪ mellow music playing]

- [slurping] - [door opens]

Mrs. Hill! W-- what are you doing here?

I am here to formally give you my blessing

to review Robata Chane.

You should not let your adoration for me as a teacher stop you.

Adoration?

I hate you!

You hate me? [chuckles] I'm sorry.

I do not see how that is possible.

You gave me an F on my Beowulf essay.

It was senior year, and it kept me from getting into Vanderbilt!

Oh, you are better off.

Vanderbilt is full of la-di-da snobs.

Nashville is just the Austin of the north.

Maybe you can call my mom and tell her

I was "better off" settling for Baylor.

- I will gladly do that. - You know what the worst part is?

You don't even remember me.

I was just another head on a spike in your reign of substituting terror.

Are you absolutely certain it was me?

I simply cannot recall having a Dave Veal in any of my classes.

My name was David Curry back then.

I changed it to Dave Veal when I became a food journalist.

You changed it?

But David Curry was already a food name.

Oh, are you gonna give me an F for my name now?!

I worked so hard on that essay, and you shat all over it.

You were the worst teacher I ever had!

Okay, David,

I can see that this has had a profound impact on you.

But I have always been a fair grader.

Perhaps too fair.

So, please take comfort in knowing that if I gave you an F,

you deserved it.

You know what, Mrs. Hill?

You've convinced me.

I am going to review your son's restaurant.

- Oh, right. [laughing] - [door opens]

I forgot this is why I was here.

- Well, thank you. - You're welcome.

I promise to be as fair to him as you've been to me.

I would expect nothing less, because that is what I was.

And that is what I'll be.

Well, then I look forward to seeing the review.

And I look forward to writing it.

You will do a fair review, right?

- Please get out of my office. - I will see myself out.

[door slamming]

[small engine rumbling]

Is that Bill's mower?

It's mine now!

Bill's having a yard sale. I think he's liquidating

to afford more cuddling sessions.

Dale, you're enabling him.

And yet you stood by and did nothing

as I bought his lawnmower.

Who's the real enabler, Hank? Who?!

This is gettin' out of hand.

[♪ upbeat country music playing]

Woo-hoo!

Bill, what are you doing?

Oh, just a little spring cleaning.

Is that your refrigerator?

Well, there's an intensive coming up at The Cuddle Clinic.

Gotta free up a little extra cash.

Bill, this cuddling thing has to stop.

You're out of control.

Well, is it so wrong to crave a little human touch, Hank?

No, of course not. But there are other ways to get it.

When was the last time you went on a real date?

Nobody wants to date a guy like me.

You all have wives and girlfriends

who will cuddle with you whenever you want.

This is the only way I can get it.

Come on, Bill.

You're better than all this weird cuddle stuff.

It's embarrassing.

I finally found somethin' that makes me feel good about myself.

And if you guys can't support that,

well, then I'd say you need to find somebody else's car to work on.

Because I'm sellin' mine for cuddle money.

Fifty bucks!

"Robata Chane is ostensibly a German-Japanese fusion restaurant,

"though the only flavors that Chef Bobby Hill's kitschy menu

"seemed to be interested in fusing

are disappointment and regret."

- Oof. - "I left feeling sad

"for both German and Japanese cuisines,

"to the point where I asked myself,

'What did the Axis powers do to deserve this?'"

It actually says that?

Here's the end, thank God.

"I am aware of how harsh this may sound,

"but I have always been fair.

Perhaps too fair."

- Oh, no. - "So, take comfort in knowing

that if I give a restaurant a failing grade, it deserves it."

Did you see Nancy and Minh gave you five stars on Yelp?

Well, Minh gave you four, but I saw a lot of other people--

I thought this guy wasn't gonna do a review.

Wasn't he a student of yours? Was he always this mean?

Who knows what kind of mood he was in when he ate at your restaurant?

Maybe he was just having a bad day.

Maybe he had a rock in his shoe. Don't you just hate when that happens?

Uh-huh.

Mom, do you like my food?

Bobby, I love your food. Everyone does.

You are a great chef.

That was just one stupid review in one stupid newspaper.

And no one even reads print journalism anymore.

Dad does.

He subscribes to Texas Bait and Tackle Magazine...

- [phone buzzing] - ...but not for the articles.

Emilio just texted me.

There were a bunch of cancellations,

so I can take my time coming in.

Maybe we could grab a bite from a restaurant

that doesn't, "treat your mouth like a diaper bin."

Oof.

Hello, redneck cohort.

[inhales deeply] Ah, what a lovely day.

At least someone's in a good mood.

Why wouldn't I be? Bill told me

he's gonna be out of the house for three months.

- What? - Yep, he said he was going

on some kind of immersive cuddling retreat.

Then he asked me for $2,000. I said no.

Then he tried to cuddle me. I yelled no.

This is gonna bankrupt Bill. We have to stop this.

I think I might knock down that kitchen wall.

Open concept. Very modern.

[Hank] You can't do that.

Who's gonna stop me? Bill?

He's already back at that cuddle hole. Ha, ha!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[Hank sighs]

[♪ dramatic music intensifies]

How may I help you?

I'm here for a... cuddle session.

[♪ dramatic sting]

[♪ mellow country music playing]

Bobby, listen. There's a crazy lady

spinning a Robata Chane sign on the street.

I think it's your mom.

[laughing] Emilio, that was your worst "yo mama" joke yet.

And I am not in the mood.

No, I really think it's your mom outside.

Go look.

Hoyeah. Whoo!

[panting] Hoyeah!

Mom! What the hell are you doin'?

I am hoping to attract people who have not read that review.

It's my restaurant, and it was my bad review.

This isn't your problem to fix.

I have to tell you something.

I went to Dave Veal's office to convince him to review your restaurant.

And I-- I sort of upset him in the process.

Bobby, he was trying to hurt me with the review.

Unbelievable.

You do not know the half of it.

This man has kept a personal vendetta for years.

He is not well.

No, you're unbelievable.

You tried to help and made things worse again.

And you can't even accept that you made a mistake.

- You've never been able to. - That is not true.

Name one time you made a mistake, Mom.

I can't just come up with one on the spot.

Okay, I have to get back to my struggling restaurant.

You don't have to stay out here.

I'm not sure it's working, anyway.

- [car horn honking] - [driver] Take it off!

Oh, can it! This is not Anaheim!

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[cuddlers grunting and moaning]

[♪ ethereal music playing]

We can set you up with an individual cuddle professional,

or you're more than welcome to join the "puppy pile."

Uh, puppy pile?

Oh, Hank. You came!

I sure did.

I figured since this cuddling stuff helped you so much,

I might as well see what all the fuss was about.

Thank you, Hank.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to be cuddled by a stranger quite yet.

So Bill, I was wondering, uh... would you...

[shuddering] Would you like to... cuddle me?

Absolutely! [laughing]

- Do you mind? - Hm?

Come on in, Hank. The water's fine.

[Hank groaning]

- [shuddering] - Isn't this nice?

Yep. [sighs] Sure is.

Now, fellas!

- [doors banging] - Nobody move!

- [♪ dramatic music playing] - This is an extraction.

If anyone so much as thinks about cuddling me,

so help me God.

No! Stop it, Hank!

- It's for your own good, Bill. - [Bill exclaiming]

[cuddlers moaning]

- No! No! - You got it, man. Come on.

No. [sobbing]

[wailing] Take me back!

- Take me back! - [banging]

[Dave Veal] Kelly Clarkson opened a fish taco joint?

Fine. I'll check it out. Can't be any worse

- than Beto O'Rourke's poke bowl truck. - [door opens]

Yeah, I gotta go.

Mrs. Hill, welcome back. I take it you saw my review?

Yes, but I am not here about the review.

- I am here about this. - Is that...?

"Mothers, Monsters, and Metaphors in Beowulf," written by David Curry.

You still have my essay from senior year of high school?

I remembered that was the year students began turning in assignments via email,

and it was still in my trusty AOL inbox.

Who's wasting $9.99 a month now, Hank?

What are you doing?

I was upset about the review you gave my son,

but then I realized something.

I failed as a teacher when I gave you an F

without ever explaining why.

That was not fair.

And I am fixing that mistake.

Look at this title page.

Are you really going over this essay with me now?

I have work to do.

Zip it and pay attention, young man.

And stop slouching.

Now, normally I am not a stickler for APA format,

but Comic Sans? Really, David?

Sentence fragment, sentence fragment, sentence fragment.

"Grendel's mother was killed by Beowulf."

- That is-- - Passive voice!

I know! I know!

You spelled "bildungsroman" four different ways.

Amazingly, none of them were correct.

And you did not restate your thesis in this final paragraph.

It is a very weak conclusion, overall.

- [sighs] Are we done? - I guess we are.

You know, I realize now that I may have been too harsh,

which is why it is good to give things a second look.

This was not an F paper. It was a solid D.

Alright, you've made your point.

No, I have not.

Look, this essay was not a good piece of writing.

But do you know what was?

This review of Bobby's restaurant.

It is clear, it is consistent in tone,

it has creative ideas and arguments.

You have become a fantastic writer, David.

Thanks.

If I were grading it, I would give it an A.

The only thing stopping me is, I suspect it is not very honest.

[♪ understated music playing]

Get out of the truck, Bill.

- No. - [Hank] Come on.

There's somethin' we wanna show you.

We got your car back and fixed it up for ya.

Got the dents and rust out and detailed it.

We even, uh, fixed your catalytic converter.

See, the thing is, Bill, I think you're kinda like this car.

Sure, you've got some miles on ya, but with a little effort

and a little help, you can be highway-ready.

I'm not a car, Hank. I'm a touch-starved man.

No, you're a man who's given up on himself.

You shouldn't have to go to some clinic to pay for human contact.

You deserve the real thing.

But I haven't been on a date in years.

The clinic's my only option.

No, it's not. We have a plan.

- Huddle up, Bill. - Wh...?

I said huddle up, Dauterive!

Uh, yep!

Now, you're gonna get your ass back out there.

We fixed up your car so that you can have somethin' nice

to drive a date around in.

We've also agreed to fully fund your next three dates,

given that you are likely in dire financial straits.

Yeah, man, I'm gon' give you some pointers too, man.

Talkin' 'bout openin' lines, man.

Talkin' 'bout like, "Oh, did it hurt when you fell outta that sky," man.

You really think there's someone out there who could love me?

I do, Bill.

Thank you, fellas.

While we're out here, you wanna play a little football?

Like the old days?

[all] Break!

Dang ol' Omaha, Omaha! Talkin' 'bout that ol', set, hike!

[♪ upbeat music playing]

- [Hank grunting] - I gotcha!

- [laughter] - Ow!

I think I tore my menisci.

- [people chattering] - [door bell jingling]

Back for more disappointment and regret?

I can sit you in the Axis Powers party room.

I'm-- I'm not here to cause more trouble.

I'm here to do my follow-up review of Robata Chane.

Do food critics typically do follow-up reviews?

No, but a former teacher once told me

it is good to give things a second look.

Someone will get you seated, and I'll grab you a menu.

Don't need it. I'll have the omakase meal.

But can I start with the Wagyu rouladen I've been hearing so much about?

Coming right up.

[♪ bright music playing]

[phone ringing]

Mom, did you go and talk to--

Me first, Bobby. I thought of one.

- One what? - Do you remember

when I sabotaged the turkey you were making for Thanksgiving one year?

That was a mistake. Sorry.

Apology accepted. I gotta go cook.

Love you. Bye.

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

Sorry about that.

[TV crowd cheering]

Hank, are you cuddling with me?

[Hank] Shh. I'm trying to watch TV.

[♪ bluegrass version of "Yahoos and Triangles" playing]

- ♪ Yee-haw! ♪ - ♪ Wa-hoo! ♪

[♪ song ends]

[birds chirping]

- [golf club thumps] - [crowd cheering]

♪

[Hank] Hey, you're wearing pants. That's a good sign.

[♪ fanfare playing]