Original subtitles

Oh, God.

Both Dale and Boomhauer

are going away on the same weekend.

Sometimes I wish I was a worm,

so I could cut myself in half

and crawl in both their suitcases.

That'll do, Bill.

See ya later, man.

They're coming back, right, Hank?

Tell me they're coming back!

Damn it, Bill,

we go through this every Memorial Day.

Boomhauer will be back from his family reunion

before you know it.

And even though Dale said

he'd be back from his UFO convention

in 35 Romulan light-years,

it really only amounts to three days.

Well, amigos,

I guess this is au revoir.

Uh-oh. That could be a problem.

Better let me take a look at that.

Don't bother.

I'm sure it's just the engine.

Look, you're going on a long trip.

I'll just take it for a test ride.

Uh, that's okay.

The commander of the Federation

is a mechanic at Pep Boys.

He'll take a look at it.

You, you are coming back, aren't you, Hank?

It's fine, Hank.

She purrs like a kitten.

See?

Pipe down, Dale.

I can't hear the...

Now, come on, hit it, Gribble!

Go, go-go-go.

Boomhauer?!

Dang ol'... H-Hank?

Uh...

So, all of your trips have been a lie!?

You guys were... fishing?!

Well, if your goal was to make Bill Dauterive look like a fool,

then you have succeeded.

Bill, you have to believe me, that wasn't our goal.

It was just a by-product.

Well, I won't stand for it!

Again, by-product.

It's just wrong, Peggy...

Ditching Bill like that for 18 years.

The level of deception is unbelievable.

Hank, you should get those guys to throw my next surprise party.

Well, I can understand

why they want a little vacation from him.

He definitely gets on your nerves.

But still, you just can't do that to a guy.

Uh, I guess I'll have to fix this.

As usual.

About my surprise party...

Make sure Boomhauer videotapes it.

I want to see the look on my face

when I walk through that door.

You sure about this, Hank?

It's gonna be okay, Bill.

Fellas, uh,

Bill and I enjoy fishing, too.

And if it would be all right, we'd like to come, too.

- Well, you know, talkin' 'bout ol'... - Uh... geez...

Look, I promise I'll keep him in line.

Sure, why not?

Oh, thank you for including me, fellas.

It makes me feel... special.

Yeah, screw it.

We might as well invite the whole world.

You know, wives and kids.

But I wanted this trip

to be just the four of...

Keep it in check, Bill.

Mom, I found my beach shirt!

Can you believe it was in Dad's rag bucket?

Boomhauer,

I'd move from behind this truck if I were you.

Ah, wait, the guy behind us is talking on a cell phone.

Might as well have a bottle of whiskey in his mouth.

You'd better switch back.

Gummi Foot, anyone?

Just one of the many perks

of riding in the "A" car.

You hear that, Bill?

You're in the "A" car.

Hey, what do y'all think is going on in the "B" car?

Probably something boring.

You got that right.

Women and their conversations.

Reality TV is so wonderful!

Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout ol'...

I've been using

little-little ol' apricot scrub.

Takin' years off your face, man, that ol' skin.

With these new maxi-pads,

I feel confident enough to ride a bicycle.

Damn it, Bill.

You just ruined a perfectly good comedy routine.

- But I... - You made it dirty,

and ruined the fun for everybody.

Sorry, Hank.

Now I don't even get a turn.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Hold it.

Number two.

Pull over, Boomhauer.

Uh, n-not the Gasco, the Shamrock.

What's with all the beer?

Oh, uh, the price was too good to pass up.

I guess one of you is gonna have to ride in the "B" car.

Dibs!

Okay, this is your chance.

Don't slobber and don't wipe your hands on the seat.

Church rules... gotcha.

And for dinner, I have a Greek salad,

which is eight net carbs,

a steak the size of my fist, 11 net carbs,

and all the sugar-free gelatin I want.

So, that's Wednesday.

Now, what about Thursday?

Well, Thursday is the same exact menu as Tuesday,

but I'll go through it anyway.

I wake up to egg whites and salsa... two net carbs.

Oh, God.

Hey, dude, check out my eyelids.

Uh-oh. We're out of potato chips.

Well, I'm sorry, but you'll just have to wait till I go shopping.

Give me the list.

I can go to the store.

Sorry, Bobby. This isn't one of your video games

where if you lose the grocery money

you can kill someone and get it back.

Please. It's one less thing for you to do.

Fine. Here's $100.

You are not to deviate from the list, mister.

And I am counting the change.

Where are the guys?

They were right behind us.

Well, when I left,

Bill took charge of the map.

So, they probably got lost.

Dee-dee-dum-dum.

Dumpty-dumpty dum-dum-dum squank.

What the heck happened to you guys?

Well, man, dang ol' bonehead here

got us lost, man.

I thought we'd make better time

by taking this blue highway

I found on the map.

It was a river!

All right, look, guys,

Bill didn't mean to screw up.

Are you kidding?

Bill was great!

If we hadn't gotten lost,

we never would've eaten the best tacos in the world!

Or gotten these great "Tico's Tacos" hats!

Tico's Tacos?

Yeah, yeah, I know, Hank.

Unscheduled stop, got us behind schedule,

could have given us stomach larvae.

But you gotta hear what Bill told the cashier.

Well, I just said, "If it's nacho cheese,

then whose is it?"

Probably h-had to be there, man.

"Nacho cheese."

Huh. I don't know what changed.

When I was in the car, everything was so tense.

- Nacho... - Ah, Bill!

Huh.

Wait. I see what's going on here.

Yeah, all these years,

it wasn't Bill they were avoiding.

It was me.

Oh. I just got that "nacho cheese" joke.

But you think so?

That's terrible.

Ha!

Is that all you got, fat man?

Hank...

stop pretending to fix things that are,

not ours and B: Not broken.

Now, go out there with your friends.

Huh. Maybe I should try some 3-in-1 Oil on this.

I know what's going on here.

Your feelings are hurt

because sometimes your friends have

a better time without you than they do with you.

But that doesn't mean they don't like you.

It just means you might have

to change your behavior just a little bit.

What do you mean, "change my behavior?"

It's not a big deal,

but sometimes, you have a tendency to, you know,

be a little bossy with the guys.

Just sometimes.

Bossy?

If I wasn't "bossy,"

those guys would be in trouble all the time.

Yes, but nobody likes being mothered all the time.

Except for Bobby.

He really responds to it.

So, what are you saying?

Just go with the flow.

Let the guys be in charge this vacation.

Who knows? Maybe you'll have fun, too.

And just keep my mouth shut

when they do something stupid?

Well, what kind of friend would I be then?

Damn it, Hank. Do you want a Tico's Tacos hat or not?

Yes.

Dude, see that girl sunbathing

with her top unhooked?

You drop this crab on her back,

and when she jumps up, I'll look at her boobage.

Joseph, put the crab down.

Hey, check it out.

Cool!

Dude, with one of those metal detectors,

we could, like, make tons of money.

We got to buy one!

We can use the cash your mom gave you.

But it's for groceries.

And I told her

I was going to be responsible with the money.

We can turn your mom's hundy into a fortune!

It'd be irresponsible for us not to get it.

Hmm.

You make a lot of good points.

Stop fussing with my tail!

Just make me a wig out of seaweed.

Uh, hey, there... guys.

Oh, hey, Hank.

Um, we just got a little sidetracked in loading the boat.

No, uh, looks like you guys are having a blast.

Here, let me help.

Uh...

Yep.

Hey, man, look at that dang ol' Hank

getting into it, man.

So, uh, which one is our boat?

The Queeg.

That sure is a lot of boat.

Look, um, Hank, truth is,

Boomhauer and I don't come here to fish.

We come here to... to search for...

sunken treasure.

Huh.

Isn't it great, Hank?

We're gonna be millionaires!

To be accurate, Bill, we'll be millionarios.

You see, in 1898, the Spanish frigate Juan Sebastian was sunk

in these waters.

Its cargo... 50,000 gold pesetas... was never recovered.

Through our exhaustive efforts over the last 20 years,

Boomhauer and I have determined exactly where it isn't.

But the ocean, she can't hold her secrets much longer.

Yo, man.

Uh...

sounds fun.

I'm gonna go get my sunblock.

They're looking for sunken treasure

for God's sakes.

I-I understand it sounds a little stupid,

but that's not the point.

Don't you want to hang out with your friends?

All right.

As long as you think it's stupid, too.

Go.

Fly, little bird.

Bobby, where are the groceries?

Mom, you are gonna be so proud of me.

I took some initiative and invested our food money

in this.

A metal detector?!

Yeah, we're gonna be rich!

Bobby...

you are a genius!

Treasure hunt.

I'm on a treasure hunt.

And we're past the breaker!

Mr. Boomhauer, set a course for 26 degrees North,

97 degrees West.

Yeah, man.

Yeoman-Purser Dauterive,

go below deck and fetch me

the Igloo cooler from the galley.

Yes, Captain, my Captain.

So, uh, what do we do now?

Do we all put on dive helmets

and look for a big wooden chest with a lock on it?

No. What we do is,

we put the boat on auto-pilot

and wait for the sonar to find something.

But while we're killing time,

we might as well soak up some rays

and catch some fish.

Oh.

Well, all right.

Fly!

Joseph, honey, that fish doesn't want to play.

Dale and Boomhauer think they're gonna find treasure.

Ridiculous.

We're the ones who are gonna find treasure.

A gold earring.

I bet it belonged to a pirate.

Uh, actually, that's mine.

I must have just dropped it.

What the hell you think you're doing?

This beach is for locals only.

Mom!

Bobby, I've got this under control.

Always good to meet a fellow metal-head.

Quite a lot of keys you've got there.

You must be a very important man.

One of them starts my truck.

I found the rest.

They're my trophies.

Oh, well if we find any more,

we'll send them right your way.

I said this beach is for locals only.

This is a public beach, sir.

We all have the right

to find other people's belongings

and claim them as our own.

All right then, Juris Prudence.

You can scan the beach, but we go first.

Right of First Sweep.

We don't have to listen to...

All right, all right.

You get first sweep.

Gentlemen, time for Russian Beer-lette.

One of these cans has been shaken.

One...

two...

three,

go!

He got...

He got you, man.

It's not funny.

Here, Dale, take mine.

I'll go get another one.

Oh, my God, we're rich!

Oh, it's the phone.

What?!

Peggy, you were right!

You were right about everything!

I know, Hank, but I need you to be more specific.

The treasure hunt.

The guys have everything under control,

and I'm just laying back, and it's a blast!

See, I knew it would all work out.

Now, c'mon, man.

Bill, do a little of them dang ol' cannonball, man!

That's not a cannonball!

I'll show you a cannonball!

Shaa!

Oh, these guys are a bunch of crazy nuts,

I'll tell ya what. I got to go.

Come on, Hank. Cannonball!

Cannonball! Cannonball!

Yeah, man, dang ol' cannonball...

Cannonball!

Whoo-hoo! Yeah.

Yeah.

Woo.

I got to tell you guys.

I don't know the last time I had this much fun.

Yeah, this may be the best trip ever.

Ah!

So, should we swim around to the other side?

Why? Is that some sort of a game?

Uh, no.

So we can climb back up the ladder.

What are you talking about?

The ladder's right there.

But, fellas, how are we gonna get back in the boat?

Dang, man.

There's gotta be a way back up.

No, there's not!

How are we going to get back up without the ladder?!

Gonna dang ol' die, man! Just ol' die!

No one panic.

In times of extreme duress, the body human

is often imbued with super strength.

I'll dive deep into the water, and shoot up to the surface,

propelling myself onto the boat.

Gentleman, I'll see you ship side.

Shazaam!

Huh. I must've jumped clean over the boat!

We're doomed.

Hoo-hah!

A charm bracelet and a cigarette lighter!

Oh yeah, up top.

This stinks.

Maybe we should just go swimming.

Hey, Joseph!

No way. We sunk all our food money into this.

Your father will think we're idiots.

Okay, here's what we'll do.

We'll tell your father we were beaten up and robbed.

Now punch me in the chin.

Mom, I'm not going to...

Ho-yes!

What is wrong with you guys?!

Jumping off a boat without lowering the ladder?!

Hey, you jumped off, too!

How do you explain that, Albert Hankstein?

I can't believe

I'm gonna die because of you knuckleheads!

Prepare for an eternity of me kicking your ass!

Hey, man, the dang ol' last man pull up the dang ladder, man!

Easy, Boomhauer.

You're not exactly smelling like roses, either.

If you hadn't goaded Bill into cannon balling,

this deadly chain of events never would have been unleashed.

I only did what I was told!

Hey man, dang ol' screw you, Gribble.

Oh, blame the blamer.

Classy, guys. Real classy.

Hey!

Hey!

Dale, they can't see you! Conserve your energy!

I'm getting so tired.

I'm just gonna close my eyes for a minute...

Bill! Stay awake! Hey, man, I did it, man!

I dang ol', broke off the dang ol' propeller, man!

Boomhauer, why'd you do that?

There's gasoline everywhere!

Uh... I dunno, man.

The only way we're gonna make it through this

is if we stay together!

Now everyone get near the boat...

It's easier to spot.

I said get next to the boat!

There's gotta be

something we can do.

I suppose now would be a good time

if anybody had anything to get off their chest.

You know, before we meet our maker? Or "make-ress?"

Hey, man, dang I-I do, man.

Dang ol' talkin' 'bout...

well, you know, man, I-I dye my dang ol' hair, man.

I have one, too.

We lied to you, Hank.

Once you left the "A" car, it was a disaster.

We were at each other's throats the whole time.

But what about your crazy taco adventure? And the hats?

We didn't have fun!

We were too embarrassed to tell you.

And Bill never said "nacho cheese."

It was a joke I got off a Popsicle stick.

Hey, man. You know, you're the dang ol' glue, Hank.

Huh. Well I-I appreciate that, fellas.

I have a confession, too, Hank.

In a moment of weakness, on a dark, rainy night...

I slept with Peggy!

- No, you didn't, Bill. - I know.

Well, smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Wait, wait, give me that cigarette!

Never! You'll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.

Come back in five minutes.

No, we can light the gas spill. It'll start a huge fire.

Maybe that helicopter will see it.

It's not a bad plan... but this is my last cigarette.

Come on, Dale! Man, go and do it, man!

Okay, but if this doesn't work,

I sure hope they have cigarettes in hell.

He sees us!

He sees us! Yeah!

Whoo-hoo! All right!

Yeah, man, yeah! Hey!

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Good work, kids.

Best day we've had

since those bales of marijuana washed up on shore.

Wait. Where's my, uh...?

Looking for these?

Oh. Thanks. Must've dropped them.

Uh-uh.

Metal detector's code:

finders keepers, losers weepers.

Dang, she's savvy.

Here's our proposition.

We'll swap your car keys for everything you found today.

You're one tough beach-comber.

Uh-uh. And the Star of David.

Mr. Hill, I gotta hand it to you.

That was pretty smart thinking.

We saw that fire from quite a ways.

No, I'm just the one who forgot to lower the ladder.

Boomhauer's the one who broke open the gas line.

Dale's the one who always carries an emergency match.

And Bill... uh...

well, Bill didn't make things worse.

Nice try, Hank. We know we're screw-ups.

If it wasn't for you we would have been dead years ago.

Now that we laughed in the face of death,

I suggest we bring a little small-town justice

into that biker bar. No.

Hey, let's go play chicken on jet-skis.

No.

Am I hungry, Hank? Because I feel hungry.

Well, we haven't eaten in a while, so... yes.

Not yo' cheese.