Original subtitles

- Saturday afternoon at the movies.

A real girlfriend, going on a real date.

I'm just not sure if that's me.

(upbeat music)

You see, this is why I don't do relationships.

Dates.

I don't understand the rules.

Who's in charge?

Who pays?

- Lucky.

Last two tickets.

- So what are we gonna see again?

- It's a French Canadian documentary about Alzheimer's.

It's hilarious.

- Really? - No!

No, it's a comedy.

Time Out calls it the perfect date movie, so no pressure.

I've never seen a movie without Will Ferrell

or a talking dog before.

- Oh, I'm touched.

- You should be.

- Can I pay you for the tickets?

- No, no, no, of course not.

- Can I go halves?

- No, put it away. - Please.

(coins clinking)

Oh, shit!

(doorbell buzzes)

My 12:30.

Tony.

He also wants a girlfriend.

The GFE.

The Girlfriend Experience.

90 minutes.

400 pounds worth of chat.

And cuddles.

I know it doesn't make sense but somehow this is easier.

This is the kind of girlfriend I can be.

- Christ, sorry I'm late.

Total mare at the office.

- I know.

Should have seen the FTSE 100 this morning.

Up, down, buy, sell.

- Take the piss all you want.

You know you still love us city boys.

- Yeah, it's strange, isn't it?

Must be that sense of self-importance.

- (laughs) Cheeky bint!

- You didn't tell me you got a pay rise.

- Yeah, a guy in Mergers put me on to his tailor.

- It's lovely. - Thank you.

He's a brilliant bloke.

Trained Savile Row, works out of Camden.

Not cheap, though.

- Well, the best things never are.

(Tony chuckles)

Men like Tony, they don't have timefor a real relationship.

With their six-figure salaries

and their 70-hour working weeks.

They don't want to come home to PMT

in a dressing gown and a gluten intolerance.

Me, I'll eat anything. (sexy music)

(Tony panting)

- Okay, okay, you can go now.

(Tony grunting with pleasure)

(intercom buzzes)

- Hello?

- I want to talk to you.

- I'm sorry but who is this?

- Let me in or I will scream

and I will tell every single person in this building

that you're fucking my husband.

- I'm sorry, I have no idea who you are.

- I'm his wife.

I'm Matt's wife.

- Matt?

- My husband.

- The man you're sleeping with.

I'm really sorry-- - I followed him.

I saw him press your number.

He was here.

- I don't know who you're talking about.

- He just left five minutes ago.

Don't lie to me.

- Tony.

- Tony?

Is that what he calls himself?

He's Matt.

Matt Hexton and he's married.

Did he tell you that?

No.

No, I don't suppose he told you much.

Too busy shagging.

- Please, - What?

They know what you do, don't they?

Your neighbors, they know you wreck people's marriages.

- Right, you have to go. - No, I'm not going anywhere!

Tell me, how long have you been having an affair?

- We're not having an affair.

- He was here for over an hour.

I was outside.

- You have to go.

I can't help you. - I was timing you.

What were you doing if you weren't having sex?

- Any problem you have with your husband--

- Yes, you said it, he's my husband.

- Yes, I know.

- Then what are you doing with him?

- We have an arrangement.

- What?

What are you talking about?

- I'm not in love with your husband.

I have no feelings for him whatsoever.

He...

He pays me...

for my services.

- Oh, God, Oh, God!

- Oh no, come through here.

(woman vomiting)

It's nice to know I have this effect on people.

(introspective music)

(glass clinking)

Hello?

Excuse me, is everything all right in there?

(phone ringing)

Hello?

- Hey, it's Alex.

I've got a quick question for you.

When I'm old and prolapsed and I can't get to the pub

without help, will you kill me?

- I don't know.

- Come on, I need to know you'd do it.

Bag over the head, pills in the Ovaltine?

If there's to be any future for us.

- Well, we'll just have...

- I hurt my hand.

- Er, thanks for calling.

- Hello?

- I'm sure there's some up here.

Oh, erm, do you want a cup of tea?

Or a biscuit?

You might need something sweet, you know, blood sugar.

- Why would he pay for it?

Is it something weird?

- Sorry?

- Why he comes to you, is it something, kinky.

Does he like to dress up?

Is that it?

Is he a transvestite?

- Why would you think that?

- His dad's a vicar.

- It's nothing like that.

- Why couldn't he just get a girlfriend

or shag his secretary?

He couldn't even manage that.

Easier for him just to pull out his credit card.

- What happens here is, it's just sex.

It's nothing.

What you have, a marriage, it's much more--

- Christ!

What the hell would you know?

Do prostitutes even have relationships?

Do they?

Have you got a boyfriend?

He always was a selfish bastard.

That's why we waited so long before having kids.

He wasn't prepared to give up his bachelor bloody lifestyle.

- You've got children?

- Twins.

Six months.

Hardly surprising we don't have much sex.

He's always working and I'm sat on the sofa

breast-feeding like some old sow.

I used to have great tits.

Sometimes when I'm at home,

I do those survey things where you tick a box

to see how strong your relationship is.

I know they're ridiculous.

I know they're just some stupid thing in a magazine,

but I always, always get a really high score.

We do.

You think that sounds pathetic, don't you?

- No, I don't.

- I do.

I'm going to clean your bathroom.

There's glass.

- No, no, don't worry, it's fine.

- [Wife] No, I want to.

- No, no, no, really, it's not necessary.

- Look, please, I made the mess.

You must see everything here.

Men.

What they really want.

What do they want?

(light music)

- Well.

One gentleman likes to dress up as a tennis player

while I play with his, new balls.

(laughs) Men.

- What's this?

- Oh, you don't need to touch that.

Erm, it's a plug.

(plug buzzes) - Oh, it vibrates!

- It's a butt plug.

- Oh! (vomiting)

(upbeat music)

- Is it just me or some days

does it feel like, everyone wants you?

This is for you.

It's Balenciaga, to say thank you.

- [Hannah] What for?

- Everything.

Honestly, just walking down the street on the way here,

I could feel the eyes on me.

I mean, I know I'm hot, but.

- You're working, aren't you?

- How did you guess?

- It's just what happens.

When you're an escort, men,

well, some men, they can just sense it.

I don't know, it's weird.

- Well, I'm doing it properly this time.

I've seen Stephanie and she's taken me on.

Proper clients, proper security.

(cellphone ringing)

Oh, sorry, babes, hang on.

All right, sweetie?

No, no, no, course not.

I'm just with a friend.

No, not like that. (giggles)

Listen, I've got to go, so you hold that thought.

Ciao!

Oh, he sounds really sweet.

- He's a time-waster and he'll never make a booking.

Tell him your not a chat line, never take his calls again.

- Seriously?

- Look, just, don't get carried away.

All right?

The money, the attention, it's just a job.

And in the end, people will take what they can

and judge you for it.

Be careful, that's what I'm trying to say.

- See?

Where would I be without you?

- [Ben] Shit, Han.

- Yeah, shit indeed.

- So go on, what did she do then?

- Screeching, bit of casual vomiting,

just to show quite how disgusting she found me.

- You know, I always thought

something like this might happen.

- Why?

- All these guys have wives, don't they?

- Not all of them, no.

- Most of them.

So how did you leave it?

- Well, obviously she left.

- Right, you gonna keep in touch?

- Course.

We thought we'd make it a regular thing,

seeing as we had so much in common.

- Shall we do one?

- [Hannah] Sweetie no, I don't want to go home.

- What, in case wifey's still there, behind the door?

- (laughs) I'm so glad you find it amusing.

Come on, I haven't been out in ages.

- [Ben] I can't.

Not tonight.

- We could go to that Thai place with the fat guy.

He sings on Wednesdays.

- I can't, I'm on kitchen duty.

- What?

- We take it in turns cooking for each other,

me and Vanessa.

- Tofu Stroganoff in St Albans.

The excitement must be unbearable!

- You'd be surprised.

- Yeah, I would.

Come on.

Just a quick one!

Come on, one drink.

- I can't.

She's picking me up from the station.

- Your loss.

All right, I'll do it.

- Too late.

I've changed my mind.

Euthanasia's very last week.

- That's a shame.

- You'll get over it.

I was thinking about cryogenics.

Got a big freezer?

- Bye.

- Nutter.

- What have you done?

- She was here.

She saw you come in.

I didn't have a choice.

- Well, that's it, then, isn't it?

That's it, it's over.

It's fucking over.

Eight years of marriage.

Erm.

I'm really sorry, Tony.

- It's Matt.

My name is Matt.

- Well, it's erm,

It's really got nothing to do with me.

You need to talk to your wife.

- Talk to her?

She won't even make eye contact with me.

She won't even let me hold the twins.

How can I even begin to fix this

if she won't even look at me?

Hold me, please.

- Matt.

- Look, I can't lose you as well.

- If you want to be here, then...

- What?

- With me, you...

- Oh, God, yes.

Of course, I'm sorry.

Sorry, erm, yeah.

- A client/escort relationship should have clear boundaries.

Anything else just, doesn't work.

- Oh, yeah.

(sighs) Yeah, yeah.

- God, doesn't that give you jaw ache?

Cooey!

- What's going on?

Why have you stopped?

- Nothing.

Sorry.

- Oh, so that's what he likes!

- What's the matter?

- Nothing.

I can't do this with you here.

- Oh, Christ.

- Oh, dear.

I thought you were supposed to be a professional.

- Right, let's try something else, shall we?

(wife clearing throat)

No, no, no, no, no.

- No, no, don't stop.

Please don't stop.

- [Hannah] No, sorry, I can't do this any more.

- What?

What's happened?

- Sorry, I'll refund your money.

- Money?

I don't want the bloody money.

What's going on?

- Look, this has got nothing to do with me.

You need to speak to your wife.

You can't just pretend this isn't happening!

- Aw, the tart with the heart!

- Look.

Talk to your wife, sort your marriage out.

I can't see you any more.

- What?

You're breaking up with me?

- We were never together!

(melancholy music)

Relationships.

How do people do them? ♪ Have you ever felt the rain ♪

- [Hannah Voiceover] I've no idea.

♪ Have you ever drank the pain ♪

- [Hannah Voiceover] This is why

I shouldn't go anywhere near them.

♪ And faced the world ♪

- [Hannah Voiceover] This is why I shouldn't even drive.

♪ Rides down alone ♪

♪ The surface ♪

♪ What's so funny ♪

♪ What's so strange ♪

♪ You don't even know my name ♪

- Hi, Alex, it's me.

Erm, can I come over for an hour?

♪ Ask yourself, an empty bottle ♪

- Okay.

All right, bye.

♪ It might be a walk ♪

- Here you are.

Your times starts, now.

Coffee?

- I'm just not ready to be a girlfriend.

- Shit, no milk.

Sorry.

- Anybody's girlfriend.

- Or, indeed, any coffee.

- I'm a mess.

Alex, are you actually listening to anything I'm saying?

- Of course, of course.

You're telling me in an oh so delightful way

that you want to break up with me.

The thing is, you're not a mess.

You're gorgeous.

- I just don't think it's fair on you

to start something and--

- You walk out on me in my hotel room,

you run out on me at dinner,

you constantly hang up on me.

That sounds like a relationship to me.

- Let's just stop.

Let's just be friends.

- No, I don't want to be friends.

I wanna do things to you

that I don't wanna do to my friends.

- Alex, I can't go out with you.

- Irish coffee?

Except without the coffee,

which would technically be whiskey.

- I'm not what you want.

- You're exactly what I want.

- I'm not.

It's really complicated.

- I love complicated.

'Cause it's interesting, it's exciting.

- It's just, I'm not very good,

at just opening up.

Or sharing.

I'm a very private person.

- I'm not asking you to tell me things,

to divulge your innermost.

I mean, Jesus, who really knows everything about anyone?

Why would you really want to?

- Do you really believe that?

- I do.

Hannah, we're just starting.

Don't run scared already.

- No, don't.

- Why?

- No, 'cause I'm trying to break up with you.

- Tough, tough.

Can't always get what you want.

(romantic music)

- Shit, I'm late.

My boss is very punctual.

- An overrated quality.

- I've gotta go. - Oh!

Oh, Hannah.

- Yeah?

- I really enjoyed breaking up with you.

Can we do it again soon, please?

- Yeah.

(upbeat music)

My 9:30.

He also wants the girlfriend experience.

He likes to lie in bed, watch movies and hold my hand.

It's nice.

(sexy music)

(phone ringing)

Hello?

- Hey, it's me.

What are you doing?

- Nothing much, just getting ready for work.

- I hope that you're thinking about me.

(Hannah giggles)

- I met someone.

- What do you mean?

- Hey!

- [Ben] Is he better looking than me?

- Is that actually possible?

- Come clean to him and I'll come and have lunch with you.

So, Hannah, are you going to tell Alex the truth or shall I?