Original subtitles

What you get is what you see.

And you can bet it's worth it, baby.

Because what you get is me.

I mean, this guy was right in front of me going... That guy deserves a ticket.

I'm sure he's still alive. A woman never reveals her age.

He was going 10 miles an hour on the highway.

I'm trying to see.

And only

then

will the people of Tajikistan know true and lasting peace.

Andy, it's brilliant.

It's really moving.

But it's never going to appear in Composure magazine.

I busted my butt in grad school to be Andy Anderson, the how-to girl, and

write articles like how to use the best pickup lines and do blinds. Do they,

like, really have more fun?

I want to write about things that matter, like politics and the

environment and foreign affairs, things I'm interested in. Keep busting your

butt. You can get there.

I got something to cheer you up.

You're that editor from Sports Illustrated that you have been

shamelessly flirting with on the phone for, you know, a month now. I made a

little delivery this morning.

Ah, let me see. Oh, no.

Hey.

What happens tomorrow night? Only the most exhilarating and artistic display

of athletic competition known to mankind.

The Ice Capades are in town? No, the NBA Finals are in town, and I got dick.

Come with me?

All right, I'll go.

But I am not putting out.

Two stale jumbo dogs and a couple of beers, you'll be whistling on different

tunas. You know what I like.

Good morning, ladies.

Don't forget, staff meeting in 30 minutes.

Michelle, haven't seen her all morning, have you? 10 to 1, she's wallowing.

It's my turn, I'll get her. You get the coffee, meet me in the corner at 20.

Wait, wait, wait. Here, take some samples.

Great idea.

Drama, drama, drama.

I walk 47 miles in barbed wire. I got a cool slick for a necktie.

A brand new house on the wrong side. It's a made out of rattlesnake hide.

Got a brand new chin that never been on top. And it's a man out of Jordan's

skull.

Come on, take a little walk with me, baby. And tell me, who do you love?

Who do you love?

Get out around the town and use a rattlesnake whip.

Take it easy, baby. Don't you get mad over here.

Don't be alarmed.

Don't be alarmed.

Hello,

Ben.

Hey, hey. Good morning, Spears.

What are you reading, girl? You catching up on your current events?

Turn on tricks, how to make him hot.

You know, if you want to try those out sometime, we should get together. Green

and I have an appointment at Composer.

The fastest growing women's magazine in the country.

And seeing as how our clients run a lot of our campaigns in their nationally

syndicated little girlie magazine, it wouldn't hurt you to do a little

reading. Hey, Benny.

Morning, Green.

You finally decided to show up? Yes, I did.

You ready?

Ready. Later, Ben.

Have a nice day, ladies.

Hi.

Good morning, sunshine.

Okay, get dressed. Get dressed.

Staff meeting, 15 minutes. What's up?

I'm going back to bed.

I have no reason to live. Sun's out.

Oh, okay.

Just...

Cashmere? Put it on, it'll make your eyes look fiercely green.

Get up, I'm not gonna let you lose your job on top of everything else.

Oh. Come here. Oh, Anne.

Okay. Okay.

Only dated the guy a week.

It was the best week of my life.

Good morning, ladies.

What's up, Tito?

Hey. Morning.

What's up, kitty cat?

What's up, daddy? Big night?

Not bad.

Orgy? Where were you? Not at an orgy.

Did you hear? What, that my knickerbockers are now in the

championship series and telling the bone heroes me 20 bucks?

Well,

you were right. Mr. Lauer Diamonds is looking for a new ad agency. Warren

wants to move on it aggressively.

Yes!

Oh. Oh, this is a good day. This is a good day. Guys, did you know that

diamonds are about as common as taxis on Fifth Avenue? The value is entirely

sentimental, maintained by supply, demand, and advertising.

Stripes. Now, DeLauer dominates the world diamond market, meaning if I

represent them, I basically represent the entire industry.

What?

Warren gave it to the Judys.

Spears and Green, they're already on it. No way!

Yeah. Well, you know, he's kind of partial to...

hot leggy chicks yeah and we're the you know the sneakers and beer division

precious gems aren't exactly our forte lips and hips are over to chicks

magazine right now i gotta get to warren before they see you can't you can't he's

on a plane easy pal the chicago meeting and it's too late anyway because

warren's meeting them for drinks at mullins tonight to discuss their idea

this didn't happen you know why this was my tip it's gonna be my pitch my account

my campaign this is my baby so i'm talking not ace me out that's right i

heard that okay mullins tonight i heard that

really want to talk about it, okay? Okay.

Why does this always happen to me?

Things are going great for like a week and a half and then all of a sudden it's

over and I am mystified.

Seriously, I am mystified because it always starts out so well.

Oh,

Mike and I had such a connection.

The first time that we had sex, it was so beautiful.

I cried.

You cried?

Yeah.

You mean like one glistening tear on your cheek, right?

No, I was really emotional. I even told him that I loved him.

After how many days?

Five. Two.

It was how I felt. I wanted to express myself.

Okay. Well, what did he say?

Oh, Mike didn't have to say anything. I know that he felt the same.

But then he started getting really busy, and I didn't know where he was. I

kept... Calling him, calling him. He was never home.

Calling him?

I didn't leave a message.

He didn't know it was me. My number's blocked.

Oh, I'm sure he thought it was one of his friends.

You know, men frequently call their friends answering machines and hang up

20 times.

Anyway, I know why he dumped me.

I'm too fat.

You're not fat.

Oh, Michelle, if the most beautiful woman in the world acted the way you

did, any normal guy would still go running in the other direction.

No, no guy would go running from you, Andy.

You could barf all over him and he would say, do it again.

That is both incredibly disgusting and pedagogically untrue. If I did the

things you did, I'd get dumped too.

Okay, family, shoes off.

And breathe.

Okay, Lori, let's start with you. Well, the Botox for beginners piece is done.

Now, it's a little scary, but mostly upbeat.

Now I'm on what your gyno won't tell you, which is also pretty scary, but,

you know, upbeat.

I finished my research on deadly pedicures about the woman who contracted

that fungus from the unsterilized tools.

Yeah, it's a terrible story.

Although, surprisingly, upbeat.

Marvelous.

What's next for How To With Andy?

Well... I've been working on something that's kind of different.

It's... It's a political piece. No. And it's... Andy, you work at Composure

magazine. We are fashion trends, diets, cosmetic surgery, salacious gossip.

That's Composure.

Okay, but... Look, Andy.

Okay. The column is new for you.

When you turn it into a must-read, then you can write about whatever you want.

Until then, you can write about whatever I want.

Understood? Yeah.

Michelle, what have you got?

Sorry, Lana, I wasn't feeling very well. She got dumped.

Oh, no, Michelle.

What a hellish ordeal for you. But I must say, you are looking fabulous.

Are we loving the way she looks all?

Oh, you're so right. She looks great.

I haven't eaten since the split.

Good for you.

Write about it. I can't use my personal life for a story.

I understand completely.

Who will use Michelle's personal life for a story? Oh, I will.

Go. No, no, no.

Lana, with all due respect, Lori has no business mucking around in my personal

life, and I can't let her. I'll do it.

What? I'll sort of do it. You will be my inspiration.

Four.

Look at Michelle. She is a great girl, right?

Yes. An amazing woman.

But she has a problem hanging on to relationships and doesn't really know

what she's doing wrong, which is like a lot of our readers.

Uh-huh.

So I was thinking that I could start by dating a guy and then drive him away,

but only using the classic mistakes most women, like Michelle, make all the time.

I'll keep a diary of it, and it will be sort of a...

Dating how to in reverse.

What not to do. Yeah.

How to lose a guy in 10 days.

Yes.

Go. Bart, what's new in the shoe world? Wait, Lana, I'm sorry.

Why 10 days?

Five days is too short and we go to press in 11.

Yes. Okay, what we found out is men are attracted to purple shoes. Now, I love

it myself.

Maybe toss in something spiritual as well. Who's that chic Buddhist Richard

Gierke works with?

The Dalai Lama. He's fabulous.

Ah, here's my 10 o'clock.

Welcome. Hi.

Ladies, Judy Spears and Judy Green from Warren Advertising. We're going to cook

up some fabulous tie-ins for the fall.

Jeannie Ashcroft, Fashion and Trends. Michelle Rubin, Fitness and Health. And

Andy Anderson, our resident how-to girl. Oh, I've seen your column, Andy. What

are you working on now?

How to lose a guy in 10 days.

She's actually going to start dating a guy and then drive him away in a week

and a half.

Sounds needlessly vicious.

It's going to be fabulous.

Now all she has to do is run along and find the lucky guy. Go, go, go. Nice to

meet you. Ladies, come.

Find the guy. Okay. Win the girl.

Oh, who wants to drive us here? I'm never going to pull this off. Watch me.

Tonight I'll hook a guy.

Tomorrow, pull the switch.

Before the ten days are up, I'm going to have this guy running for his life.

You're not going to burn his apartment down or bite him or anything, are you?

No. I'm going to limit myself to doing everything girls do wrong in

relationships. Basically, everything we know guys hate. I'll be clingy, needy.

Be touchy-feely. Yeah.

Call him in the middle of the night and tell him everything you had to eat that

day. What's wrong with that?

I'm kidding.

Hello, Ben.

What are you doing here?

Phil, I'm here for the meeting. Ladies?

But you weren't invited.

Yeah, but I should have been. I mean, it was my tip that DeLauer was shopping for

a new firm. Yes, it was.

But I have to think in terms of who's best suited within the company team.

Yes, sir, and that's me.

I want to handle this pitch.

Ben, you sell Joe Blow better than anyone else in my shop.

But these girls sell luxury better than anyone else in the business.

We have to put our best foot forward on this pitch.

The Lauer would be our biggest account.

Yes, sir, they would. Annual advertising billings of $50 to $60 million.

And I am the man that's going to bring this home for you, Phil.

Why this place?

Hi, Ingrid.

Mullins is the apres worth watering hole for the upwardly mobile.

Now, to date, the diamond industry has always targeted men, sending the message

that the woman needs the man to buy her the rock.

They say a diamond is forever.

We say a diamond is for everyone.

I like that. Yes. We don't.

A diamond is for everyone sends the message that diamonds are everywhere.

Which means they're not rare.

And if they're not rare, they lose their status.

Status is the reason to buy them in the first place. Which Benjamin would know

if he understood women.

But you don't.

You can't feel bad about that, Ben. No man does.

Thank you.

Sorry.

Hey, don't pressure her. She's perusing. Yes, exactly.

Selling a diamond to a woman is like making her fall in love.

She has to feel giddy, desirous, adventurous, and desperate.

Take a look around this room, Philip.

Most of the women in this bar are looking for just that.

Exactly. The skills required to market diamonds are the same as those needed to

make a woman fall in love, yes. I'm not talking about lust.

A woman in lust wants chocolate. A woman in love wants diamonds.

Yeah, I'm not talking about lust either, ladies. I'm talking about deep,

meaningful, head over heels, his and her towels, let's grow old together, L-O-V

-E. Look, I love women.

I do. Whether they're 4, 40, or my 88-year-old grandmother, I respect

women. And I also listen to women.

And that's why I can sell myself to any woman, anywhere, anytime.

Make a woman fall in love with diamonds, Benjamin?

Or with you?

Either one.

That's cocky, Ben. No, not cocky.

Confident.

I'd like to see you prove that.

You would.

The agency's co-hosting a party for the DeLowers at the Astor Museum.

The party's a week from Sunday.

Do you think you can make a woman fall in love with you by then?

Ten days.

Any woman, anywhere, anytime?

Any single, available, straight woman, yes.

Yes. I'm not trying to trick you, Ben. In fact, we'll choose a woman right

here, right now, in this farm.

And then you decide.

So who's the lucky girl?

Okay.

Let's see here.

Ooh, there's that blonde babe in the leopard print.

She looks like fun. Be nice, ladies. Or, wow, Miss Babylon 5.

Now she's on the prowl.

No.

Her.

Her who?

Her in the gray dress, blonde hair, pretty smile.

Done. What?

Done.

Done.

See the guy next to the horrible guy in the green shirt that I would never even

consider? Okay.

Very cute.

Right?

Good. Very good.

Okay.

You're on.

But here are the stakes.

After I win this bet, this pitch is mine.

Agreed. Phil?

Agreed. You come to that party with a girl that's really in love with you,

Ben, you can make the pitch to the DeLowers.

But, Philip, you can't... I've made up my mind.

To the DeLowers.

To the DeLowers.

Cheers. Cheers.

Cheers.

Exciting.

Yes. My wife and I love New York, especially this time of year. She'd been

here before, and I... Hi.

This is Andy. Hi.

You guys enjoy New York. Okay.

Thanks. Good luck. Thank you,

Phil.

Now, if you'll excuse me, ladies, I have a bet to win.

Ta-ta.

Now do you want to tell me what's going on? You don't recognize her?

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Andy Anderson?

Benjamin Barry.

Cute. Thank you. I meant your name.

Thank you two times.

Unattached? Currently.

Likewise. Surprising.

Psycho?

Rarely.

Interested?

Perhaps.

Hungry?

Starving. Leaving.

Now? Mm-hmm.

Okay. Okay.

One second.

I'll meet you at the door.

Jamie. Hey, guys.

What? I think I got one.

He was married.

No, not him. It's the guy by the door. But don't, don't look. No, guys.

He's really cute.

I'm going to check this one out and see if he's the keeper.

Okay. And if he is?

Tomorrow night.

Well, flip the switch.

Doing this for you.

Well, good luck. Be safe.

Call me.

Drama, drama, drama.

This one

You

get to wear the goofy looking helmet

Goofy on me

There you go.

You ready to go for a ride, Andy?

Are you ready to go for a ride, Ben?

Get it.

Get it?

Yeah. What do you think?

About the food or you?

Both.

This is delicious.

And I'm still dissecting.

Anything I can do to help?

Yeah, you can answer some questions for me, actually.

Something sounds a little too indefinite. I'll give you three.

What do you do for a living?

I'm in advertising.

I work mostly with alcoholic beverage and athletic equipment companies, and

I'm trying to break into the jewelry market right now.

Saving the world one cake party at a time?

Yeah, something like that.

What about you?

Wayne Mountain.

I haven't seen your work.

I work at Composure.

Fastest growing women's fashion magazine in the country.

I'm impressed.

Saving the world one shopaholic at a time, eh?

Hey, all right. Look here, Sparky.

I have a master's in journalism from Columbia.

My boss loves me, and if I do it her way for a while, I can write about anything

I want.

Like shoes?

No.

No.

Like alcoholic beverages and athletic gear.

Touché. Very nice.

So you think you got me all figured out, eh?

Almost.

Still got one last question.

Shoot.

True or false?

All is fair in love and war.

True.

Great answer.

Good question.

You're welcome.

Oh, nice place.

Thank you. Very tidy.

Can I get you a cold beer?

Sure. Can I use your restroom?

Yeah, you can. It's up the stairs through the bedroom.

You are, aren't you? The first night.

I can't believe you.

Michelle, I'm not going to sleep with him. Oh, you are such a hussy.

You can't hide those light eyes.

No, no, because I can practice some self-control, unlike some people I know.

Oh, really?

I'm gonna dangle the bait. Wait, what's the bait?

I'm the bait, Michelle.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, I'm with you. Then what?

Diamond is no one night stand.

That's right.

A diamond is a long-term commitment.

I want to talk right now. I have to go.

Call me when you sleep.

Okay, bye.

Thank

you.

You're welcome.

Okay.

Yeah. Yeah.

We're moving too fast.

You're right.

It's too fast.

Too fast.

Yeah.

I want you to respect me.

I do.

Okay.

And I want your respect.

I respect you for respecting me.

I respect that.

Andy Anderson.

Oh, you are already falling in love with me.

I'm gonna make you wish you were dead.

Poor guy.

Of all the women Spears and Green could have thrown at me, this one is...

Amazing. Hanging with her for ten days is going to be no problem.

Right. That's only nine days longer than you've ever spent with any other chick,

huh? That's why I didn't go for gold immediately.

I'm taking my time.

It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Ten days is a marathon?

Okay, so it's more like the 3,000-meter hurdle. The point is, she's already on

the ropes, guys.

Wow, that's a lot of sports analogies.

That's it?

That's it?

That's it. Have you looked inside?

No.

Do you have an ethical problem with rifling through a woman's purse?

Uh, yeah, I guess I do.

Well, it's hardly a purse, dude. It's more like a clutch or something. Guys, a

woman's purse, all right, it's her secret source of power.

All right? There are many dark and dangerous things in there that we, the

male species, should know nothing about.

Oh.

Unless, of course, she left it behind intentionally to secure a next-day

callback. Mm-hmm.

She's a very clever mix.

Oh! I'm sorry. Oh, God. Yeah.

Carefully.

Carefully.

What have we here?

Let's see. Let's see.

Ah.

Nick's tickets.

Huh. For tonight's game.

Delivery, Andy.

Wow, look at those.

Andy. Oh, my God.

Where do you want these?

100 times more beautiful than

100 roses.

Catchy. The guy's in advertising.

He can't help it. So does this mean he's hooked?

This means he found the Knicks tickets.

You left the tickets in the purse?

Yeah. You are just on a whole different playing field.

Here you go.

Andy Anderson.

Hey, hey, pretty girl.

Guess what?

I got a really embarrassing display of white roses.

You are welcome. Listen, I had a wonderful time last night.

I have your bag.

I know.

I can't believe I left it there.

Well, you must need it back with all the cash, credit cards, and those Knicks

tickets for tonight's game.

Sounds like you've been peeking through my bag, Ben.

Oh, absolutely not. Tony, my art director, he's an oaf and he

accidentally knocked it over.

Ow! Right, yeah, I'm a clumsy man.

All right, I'm sorry, though. I'm going to the game with somebody else.

Not anymore.

Besides, what, you think you left your purse at my place by accident?

No, subconsciously, you are dying to take me to that game.

Denying your subconscious desires is extremely dangerous to your health,

young lady. Does that psychobabble really work on anybody?

You tell me.

Andy, you're so bad.

All right, meet me at the 7th Avenue entrance.

It's 7.30, don't be late.

You got it. Bye-bye.

Bye.

And that's how it's done.

And that's how it's done.

You could get a jumbo.

You take that right there.

I've never seen a more exciting game ending play before.

Wow.

Nope, neither have I.

Hey, hey, hey.

It's too bad you missed it.

Yeah, it's too bad.

One second.

So, he is nice to see him, Ben?

No.

Good, neither am I.

Here. 1512, please.

See you later.

Horseshit.

More horseshit.

The horseshit continues.

Horseshit. Come on, people.

We've got to do a lot better than this if we're going to... What?

There's a phone call for Mr. Berry.

Yeah, can you take a message, Candy?

Mr. Berry.

It's Andy.

Make it quick. I will.

It's line two, Mr. Barry. Thank you.

Hello? It's me!

Listen, I'm in the middle of a meeting. Can I call you back in just a minute? I

miss you, Benny. Boo, boo.

Boo, boo, boo.

Boy, you know what? I miss you, too.

Why don't we catch a movie or something?

A movie? My choice?

Your choice.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Okay, I'll call you later.

Bye-bye. Bye.

I always wanted a man like Tom Hanks.

It's my favorite movie of all time.

What if something happened to you?

What if I couldn't get to you?

What are you thinking about?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What's on your mind?

I like this movie.

Oh, so I suppose your mind is a complete blank. You are my family. You're all

I've got.

Who is she?

Who's who?

The girl you're thinking about. Can't hear.

Oh, you can't watch it. Make Ryan for two hours and not be thinking about

another girl.

Want to know what I'm thinking about?

Yes.

I'm sitting here thinking about how damn beautiful you are.

That's what I'm thinking about. Come here. Let's watch this movie.

Aw.

Benji?

I love sharing this with you.

Yeah. Can't hear and can't see. You don't... Shut up. My boyfriend over here

is going to come back there and pummel your ass.

Put a muzzle on your old lady the next time you bring her out in public.

What? What is that? Do something about it. You outside.

Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Shh.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Shh. He owes you an apology.

Now I'm going to go back inside and finish watching Sleepless in Seattle.

Nobody screw with me.

Oh, Ben.

Are you okay?

Ben, Ben, maybe we should get you to a hospital.

No, no, no.

No, you could have a... Excuse me.

Can you hold still right there? Hold still.

Oh,

oh.

Oh, yeah.

It's not flowing, man. It's trying to flow.

Ben!

Oh, my God!

You're fine.

Okay, come on, Rocky.

Get up.

Ow.

Huh? Yeah.

Hey, don't feel bad.

Fine a nickel for every time I got in a fistfight during a chick flick.

Right.

It really wasn't that bad.

No, I mean, the getting punched in the face part sucked, right? But the getting

taken care of after the punch, it was nice.

Florence Nightingale syndrome.

You want me to tape the game for you tonight?

No need, my friend.

I'll be watching the Knicks from the comfort of my own home this evening.

How'd you swing that?

What's good to grow? No, heavyweight.

You're making the lamb.

Voila. A woman loves a man who can cook, yeah?

Bringing out the big guns.

Go deep. I like it.

Why do they always forget my bacon? I can't believe you got that guy knocked

out. Only for a few seconds.

He was the most adorable, unconscious man ever.

Are you dating him or are you contemplating adoption?

Andy, I am loving your notes on this piece.

Thank you, Anna.

When are you seeing him again?

Tonight.

He's invited me over for dinner.

Marvelous. I've got a feeling about this one.

Thanks, Laura.

I hate it when she pops her head in like that.

At him, I heard that.

And Andy, tonight, take smaller bites.

Oh, my God!

Disgusting. I can barely eat over here.

Mmm.

Hey there.

I hope you brought your appetite, girl.

You've got a feast of two nights.

Oh,

Benny, isn't that sweet?

Go ahead and pour yourself a glass of wine.

We've got dinner in about five and tip-off in about eight.

Great. I'm starving.

Oh, son of a bitch

Shanae, Jewel, Fiona, Carly.

Gang's all here!

Great!

Got two minutes to game time.

Saw the new comforter.

And other girls dream that they'd be Ben's partner.

They'd be Ben's partner.

What you got in the box?

Oh.

It's a baby fern. Really? Oh, yeah? Just like our relationship.

A helpless little baby in need of tender loving care.

Thank you.

Have a seat.

Get ready.

Game two.

Welcome to the front row.

Dinner is served.

Chef's special tonight.

Lamb with a cherry glaze.

Start you off with the main dish.

Right about there.

A few carrots.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey.

You okay?

It's beautiful.

Thanks. You're beautiful.

Gables.

I wish I ate meat.

Mary had a little lamb.

Little lamb.

You have to take it away before I gag.

This stuff's for cows.

Hi. How you doing?

Oh, just a little indigestion.

Excuse me, ma'am.

You happen to know the score of the Knicks game?

Do I look like the kind of person who knows the score of a Knicks game?

No, you don't.

Is something wrong with the barley?

No, no.

I think she's fat.

125 sports.

Uh-huh. There we are.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Sorry we missed the game.

Post. Post.

Come back.

Reverse.

There we go, baby.

I can't believe he missed that shot. Take it. Take it.

Hit it.

Ah!

How the hell did you know he was going to miss that shot?

He always misses.

That's a shot from the top of the key.

Oh,

man.

Houston never misses from the top of the key.

This princess will be on the ground playing.

Who's Princess Sophia?

No, no, no, no, no. No!

You're kidding me, right? Princess Sophia?

Little pig, little pig. I don't know. We will find out.

You know, hang on a second.

Listen,

you can't name my member Princess Sophia. It doesn't... Yes, I can.

Listen, if you're going to name...

My member, all right? You gotta name it something hyper-masculine, okay?

Something like Spike, Butch, or Crow the Warrior King, but not Princess Sophie.

What did you just say?

Spike.

You know what I mean? No, no, after Spike.

Butch. After Butch.

Crow the Warrior King.

Does Crow the Warrior King want to come out and play?

You know what?

Due to intense humiliation, the king has momentarily abdicated his

throne, okay? Oh, uh-oh. Yeah. Well, in that case, I

better get going.

Take care of our love, Fernanda.

Can I see you tomorrow?

Really?

I hope so.

Call me. I will. And I'll call you.

Answer your phone.

What?

What was it, icy again?

Arctic, freezing, frigid.

How about glitter?

Thayer's favorite movie.

It was underrated.

Glint, glisten, scintillation.

Scintillation, that's not bad.

Oh, that sucks.

Guys, let's take a break. A little coffee, nine ball.

Shake it up. Maybe I'll be able to concentrate since the woman is driving

me crazy.

Which woman? Andy or Princess Sophia?

Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait a second. I thought you said after the next game that she was a goddess.

Oh, she was. That was the good Andy, guys. This amazing, fun, cool, sexy

woman. I'm talking about the evil Andy now. It's like a...

crack-enhanced Kathy Lee Gifford.

She, uh, she called me bipolar.

Well, her South Pole's definitely prevailing. Well, all I gotta do is rock

it for five more days.

Muffin! Which shouldn't be too difficult. Hi!

Andy!

Sweetie, we were talking about you. Hi. Hello there.

How are you? You look gorgeous. Oh, thank you. This is Tony and this is

Thayer. Oh, yes, Benny, when he's telling me so much about you two. Oh,

well... Benny, when he said wonderful things about you.

Oh, they don't look so simple-minded.

Honey, look what I got for us.

Oh, look at that.

Oh, wow.

Go, go, go. What is it?

It's a Chinese crusted, of course.

No kidding. A Chinese crusted.

So it's like a dog, right?

Oh, there he is.

Ben, you're hurting Krull's feelings.

Krull, is it?

Krull. Krull, the warrior king. Well, sure, because that's clearly what... Oh,

wait, there's more.

What do you got there?

Oh, nice.

For me?

Get out of town.

Try it on. It's like the inside of a raincoat. Medium.

Oh, yeah, that is going to fit nicely, sweetie. Thank you. Now, Ben, put it on.

No, you should try it on, otherwise...

I don't know if it's going to fit her. I've never heard anybody.

I'm just going to save it for a better location. All right, check that out.

Oh, yeah, that's nice.

Hey.

You're a vision and khaki.

There's going to be a happy little family.

Just the three of us.

We are, aren't we?

Wow. He's our boy, Ben.

Oh, see, that's sweet.

Hey, and hey, it is good to see you too, sweetie. Oh, gotcha. Gotcha, gotcha,

gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Oh, he's just not potty trained yet.

Oh, okay. Well, he's a pisser.

Come here, Tinkle King.

He's a Tinkle King. My little tinkler. You Tinkle Tinkle.

Congratulations, little plaid family.

We got a whole bunch of work we got to do, but we're still on for poker at your

house this weekend. Oh, you cannot.

Boys' night.

It was nice meeting you. And, of course, Kroll.

Bye. Say bye, Krolly.

He goes, whoop, whoop. Yeah, thank you, buds.

Oh, come here.

Do you love him?

Oh, I do.

Oh, look at Kroll's necklace.

It's got more ice than Liberace, don't you? Oh, it's just a little frosting.

Frosting?

Frosting.

We were thinking bold, new, fresh.

Frost yourself.

Excuse me?

Frost yourself.

The slogan for the campaign. You frost a cake. We're in the middle of a meeting,

Benjamin. I'm talking about diamonds.

They're frosting.

As in, whoa, would you check out her frosting?

Frost yourself.

Frost yourself. How did you come up with it? I got it off the woman who was

falling madly in love with me.

It may have possibilities, but as far as the woman who's falling madly in love

with you, I will decide that at the party.

If he can get her there. Now just think about it. Ladies, frost yourself.

Frost yourself?

Mm-hmm. We could introduce her at the party.

It should be the theme. Yes. Everything frost. All of it.

Martini glass.

Chandeliers.

Jewels everywhere.

The women.

The whole party, a sparkling diamond.

All of it.

Frost yourselves.

Well, I like it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear you.

You have 17 messages.

Message one received at 544.

Who is it?

It's me. Five received at 5.52.

It's me.

Ow.

Ow. What a surprise.

Trying to get a hold.

Yeah?

I did something kind of wacky.

Huh? Yes. I used Photoshop at work today to composite our faces together to see

what our kids would look like.

Our family album.

You don't want to see our children?

We don't have... children.

You know what?

I'm sorry. No, no, no. I didn't mean it like that.

Show me, show me, show me, show me.

Please show me.

We don't have children.

Oh, I thought you meant crawl. I just wanted... Will you show them to me? You

don't want to see them.

I do.

Please, please show them to me. I really do want to see them.

Really?

Yeah. Okay.

Oh, that's our wedding.

And this is our first child, Benny Jr.

Oh, there's his vacationing in Hawaii.

Little Andy's on my shoulders, and then, da-da-da, Benjamin Jr.

on yours.

There's little Andy. Oh, there are the kids in Switzerland.

You're loodling.

Our kids are really... attractive.

Yeah.

Hey,

Mom.

Oh, yeah, I'm doing fine, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, she is, just saying. It's for you.

Oh, great.

Hey, Glenda.

Why is my mom calling you?

I just showed him.

Yeah. Well, he thinks our children will be very attractive.

Oh.

Oh, no.

All right, you go back to cooking.

Call me later.

Tomorrow, yeah, great.

Okay, Glenda.

Love you, too. Bye.

Thanks, honey. Yeah.

So you and my mom, you talk, huh?

Yeah, I called her to get some baby pictures of you for our book.

Hey, you never told me that you wore diapers till you were five.

You know what, honey? I gotta go to bed.

Uh-oh.

Oh, no. Come on.

I think maybe he thinks the felt is grass

Oh, no, no, no, man, come on.

Hey, Benny Bear.

Hey. Do you have plans tonight?

Tonight? I have another surprise for you.

You know what?

Not a good night for me. I got to work, of all things.

Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, I know. We got a Knicks game on. I had a broccoli and

asparagus casserole planned for you and me right there in front of the TV, and

we're not gonna be able to do that either, because I gotta go into work.

That's too bad, because I had tickets for tonight.

Tickets. Tickets.

Great tickets. Front row seats right in the action. I mean, you can smell sweat.

Oh, why don't I call Tony and he can come fill in for me, right?

Great. Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Honey, you're more than welcome.

Yes.

Oh, look what time it is. Huh?

This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I'm going to share it with you.

It's the most powerful thing I've ever seen.

And after all this, he still didn't leave you?

I'm telling you, this calls for drastic measures. Come on, guys, concentrate.

Are you being clingy?

Clingy, needy, whiny. Baby talk?

Occasionally. I mean, I could kick that up a notch.

I used to obsess over Mike's old girlfriends.

Oh, better yet.

Talk about all your old boyfriends.

Good, it's good, it's good, but it's not going to crack this guy. I mean, this is

DEFCON 5, and I have to do something truly appalling. It's not funny.

Look, I have to think of something before tomorrow.

Wait, why not tonight?

Poker night, boys night out.

Oh, Mike used to have a boys night.

Boys night? You're giving him a boys night? They do it every week.

Before he met you.

What are you suggesting?

I think you know what I'm suggesting.

Feel lucky, boys?

Yeah. Well, you know, Ben, that's two bucks.

I'm feeling luckier than you.

I did not have to sit through a Celine Dion concert.

That's what true love is all about.

I fold.

All right, C2, raise your 50s. She's in love with you? Are you kidding me? She's

planning the wedding. All right, guys, read them and weep.

You got ladies over fours.

Huh? Damn.

I have a three and an eight. It does not get any better than this.

Look at that.

Pennykins! I'm home.

Hi, honey.

Hey, Andy.

She has a key?

Is that legal?

I wasn't expecting you.

How'd you get a key?

Francesco, you're a super. He made me a copy.

Francesco, huh?

Hmm. All right. You're not mad, are you, Binky Winky?

No, I'm not mad. You're not mad. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not mad. I'm not mad.

Oh, good. You know the guys?

Everybody? Tony, Thayer, Francis.

Oh, yeah. Let's go.

Oh, no.

No, no.

What's the feel? Tony. Hi, Tony.

Ron. Hello.

Joe. Joe. Hey.

Andy. I didn't mean to interrupt your little game. I brought some yummy

snacks.

Game is hold them three up for company

Back around the horn, back around the horn, back around the horn.

Thanks,

Benny.

Thayer?

That means you too, Thayer.

Oh, yeah.

Alright, everyone in for a buck.

Next card. Five. Nines and fives. Nines and fives. That's back to you, T. Woo!

Nine and a seven.

Go for the straight.

Round two.

Tone of Bone, you're up, man. She told you my hand.

Hey, Gaboo!

Oh, hi!

Hey.

Guys, you wanna play cards here, or what's going on?

What game are we playing?

We're playing Hold'em. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, I've already matched that. We've got a nine up. Nine up, guys. Nine

up. Nine up.

Blow.

Nobody likes a Mr.

Sniffles.

I hate Mr. Sniffles.

Come on, stubby head.

Good. Very good.

Oh, white.

Healthy boy. Good.

Healthy.

Oh, no.

Oh,

no.

I love Fern!

It's dead.

No, honey, it's just sleeping.

You let it die!

What the hell is a love fern?

All right, guys.

Let's try and get through with one hand.

Is she on something?

God, I hope so.

Hi.

Are you saying I'm some kind of mental person?

No, no, no. He wasn't here. Oh, Tony. What?

He was talking about a... That's it. Come on. That is it. Andy.

I'm drinking this love from with me.

Hang on.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. What just happened in

there? I'm gonna go listen.

Quietly.

Look, this is getting really creepy, all right? You're acting completely insane.

You know that?

So I am insane? No, you're acting insane.

Shut up, Curl.

He's an innocent animal. Yeah, yeah, and he'll live, okay? I'm talking to you. I

don't know if I can be with somebody who doesn't like animals and thinks I'm a

mental person.

That's what I'm talking about.

Where's the sexy, cool, fun, smart, beautiful Andy that I knew?

The one who wanted to be a serious journalist, huh?

You're up, you're down, you're here, you're there. You're like a freaking one

-woman circus, Andy.

So I guess this means we're over.

Yeah, I guess so.

Fine. Fine.

Oh, finally.

Man, that's... No, no, no, no, no.

Man, it's over. Four days.

Four days. Guys, you were here. Did you just witness the one woman homage to The

Exorcist? You saw it, huh? Yeah, I did. I thought it was sexy. No, it's not

sexy.

He's right.

Oh, forget it. He's right.

So,

do you think Spears and Green are going to be comfortable in their new office?

Oh, absolutely.

Maybe he's excited that he's going to be selling Nerf footballs for the rest of

his life. No, he might get, like, a really good douche campaign. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. It's done. All right, what?

What? Couples therapy.

Of course.

What? Every time my wife wants to divorce me, I suggest couples therapy.

It'll buy you at least four days. It's true. She hates him. Therapy. Couples

therapy. Couples therapy.

Couples therapy.

Couples therapy. Come on!

Couples therapy.

Couples therapy. Couples therapy.

Whoa.

Andy!

Can you forgive me, sugarpuss? Look, I don't know what I was thinking. I'm

sorry. I am way out of line, Andy.

Can you give me another chance?

Haven't you had enough?

Andy, look, I'm willing to do anything.

Get up. I'll do anything, Andy.

Look, what do you think about... What do you think about couples therapy?

Couples therapy?

Couples therapy. Look, Thayer up there, he's got this doctor. He says he's a

hell of a guy.

No, I know a therapist who will work wonders with somebody like you,

Benjamin. Yes, that's what I need. I will call and schedule an emergency

session. Baby, whatever it takes.

Yes. Thank you, sweetheart.

Thank you for understanding.

I love you, Banky.

But I don't have to like you right now.

Thank you Andy

If

you're really gonna commit to this you're gonna have to open up

and dig deep Okay, bear that beautiful soul. Let me see Andy

Anderson Benjamin Barry, please come in

Welcome. Before we get started, how are you planning on paying for the session?

Sweetie? How much is it?

$300.

$300? Mm-hmm.

Whatever it takes, yeah. So, tell me, how long have you guys been seeing each

other? Seven days.

Seven days.

Interesting.

Is that too soon to be seen a therapist?

Well, Ben, seven days isn't like a lifetime or anything.

It's like a week.

Did you hear that tone?

How can we not have a gulf between us with a tone like that?

How are things between you sexually?

Oh.

Uh-oh.

We haven't had sex. Oh, no, Ben has a little bit of a problem.

I don't have a problem. Yes, you do.

No, I do not have a problem. It's a big problem. I do not have a problem. You

have a problem. Look, look, look, wait a minute. The one night that we even

thought about getting close to having sex, all right, she up and decides she's

going to nickname my... Penis. Yeah, Princess Sophia.

Huh? You want to talk about shooting a man's horse? Come on. I thought it was a

beautiful name.

I see, Benjamin.

And when was it that you first realized that you were attracted to other men?

Oh. What? That's serious.

Benjamin,

this is a safe space.

Look, it's just simple. I like women, okay?

It just happened that way.

Me thinks thou doth protesteth too much. You see, stop it. This is shit I'm

talking about. What the hell is that? What did I do? I mean, this is what she

does. Stop that. You know, I'm hearing a lot of latent anger here, Benjamin.

Rageaholic. I'm not a rageaholic.

I called that one. You know what? Take a deep breath for me, Ben.

Okay, let it go. Just let it go.

Yeah. I feel better. Okay.

Come here.

I've seen this before.

I've seen it many times. Yeah? Yeah.

Would you two like to be left alone?

No. Maybe you should get a room.

You are hitting on our shrink.

No, I'm not. Yes, you are, and you are a pathological flirt.

Jesus, five seconds to go, I'm gay?

Now I'm a pathological flirt? I sweat when I get nervous.

Which one is it, Andy?

Besides, why would I need to hit on another woman? You've got more than

enough personalities to keep me completely occupied.

That was hurtful. Okay, Ben, are you ashamed of Andy?

Of course he is. Of course he is. I'm not ashamed. You are. How do you think

that makes me feel? I'm not ashamed of you.

It's like when I talked to his mother.

She freaked me out. No, you did that behind my back. She did behind my back.

I just wanted to say hi.

Annie, you want to talk to my mother?

You want to talk to my mother? Talk to my mother. Hey, you want to talk to the

whole family? You can talk to the whole family.

Hell, we can go to Staten Island and spend the weekend with them, Andy.

Now, that is a positive idea, Ben.

It is?

How about it? Andy?

What? Would you like to go to Staten Island?

Yes, ma'am.

Hey, Mom, Pop, we're here.

Now, bullshit.

Who's that handsome guy?

That's my dad when he was an incident in the Navy. He got stationed here about

ten years ago.

Bullshit. Uh-oh.

Hey, darling. Hey, sweetie, how you doing?

Good. Perfect timing. You know who this is?

I do, and I want you to check the baby, see if he needs to change his hair. I

know, I know.

I'm so happy to have you here in the flesh. You're just as pretty as you

sound on the telephone.

Show her upstairs, okay? Oh, yeah. And this is Joey Jr.

Bullshit! And the whole family suffers from Tourette's. I hope that's not a

problem. And Joey here suffers from being a stinky rose. We're going to get

you cleaned up, sir. Go on up out. Have a good time.

Come on.

Got you.

Hey!

He got you.

Lionel says he's got three keys. Yeah, right. Okay.

I don't know, dare I say it or not. But I'm gonna just say it, okay? I'm gonna

say it. Bullshit!

Hi, honey.

Oh, wow.

Andy.

Andy.

Meet everybody.

I want you to meet Ben's father. Well, hello.

Welcome to our humble abode.

This is our Uncle Arnold.

This is Andy. You gotta watch him. He farts like a howitzer. He's family, so

what are you gonna do?

Intestinal complications.

Yeah, right on. Cruz.

Did you meet Joey?

A female Andy.

Andy. Nice to meet you. Welcome.

Okay, here we go now. The game is bullshit, and you are just in time for

the lightning round, my dear. I don't really know how to play.

Well, we're going to teach you how. It's very simple.

The trick is to get rid of all the cards in your hand, all right?

So I'm going to look at my hand, and I'm going to see what I've got here.

And well, you know, I've got two aces here. Well, two aces. What do you say to

that?

What are you going to say?

I say bullshit.

What did she say? I didn't quite hear. I didn't hear what she said. I said

bullshit!

She knows how to play the game, doesn't she? Yes, sir.

Come to papa.

Get on over there, big man. Slick as a whistle.

How you doing? My grandson.

Okay,

now we went through the deck we're gonna start at the beginning now so well we go

to twos Let's see how I got myself one deuce here bullshit Two

threes three

five bullshit

You see whose name's on top of the board over there?

Yes. It says Ben with a star next to it.

You still want to bullshit me?

Con, you must be so proud. I'm doing my best. What do we got? Yes. Did I b-b

-bullshit? No, I told the truth. Three fives.

All right. He's good. He's the champ.

What am I?

Sixes to you.

One six.

One six. All right. Oh, look what I got here. I got myself two sevens. The key

to this game is being able to read people.

Two eights.

Bullshit.

Bullshit, Mama.

Huh?

I'm gonna have to hurt you. Uh-huh. See, Mom's never been that great at it, but

why? Just because I'm so pure of heart. So pure of heart. Bullshit.

This is Andy, and this is my sister, Dora. Hi, nice to meet you. Nice to meet

you. Andy is kicking Ben's ass in bullshit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I like this girl. That's right.

Ben's starting a little card collection.

All right, let me get back on track here.

Gentleman starts with three ladies. As to you, what do you got to say about

that?

Bullshit.

You heard me? I said bullshit.

What is that, seven in a row, Sparky? I

think somebody's met his match. Well, it's all about

reading people.

Loser. Okay, two kings.

Bullshit?

Because Uncle Arnold needs to sleep.

Yes. But I will. I'm going to go inside and play with the kids.

Maybe they won't lie, cheat, and say, okay, keep my name at the top of the

board. Now, Andy, I hope you know that we're expecting you to come back here.

Yeah. Because you have held Ben to his lowest bullshit score since his

tonsillectomy. And we are thrilled.

Lowest. Why, we're all his other girlfriends' bullshit losers.

What other girlfriends?

My, he's picky. You are the first girl he's ever brought home.

Don't you break his heart now.

And that dress, Andy. Now, does that come in my size?

My turn? Yes, ma'am.

Heavy.

Keep this clutch in. That's the clutch.

Brake here on your right. Your gears are on the left. One down.

Okay. Take off. You're going to give a little bit on the clutch. You're going

to go a little bit.

Give a little go.

How'd it go?

A little give and a little go. Yeah.

I mean,

there's a lot of cool things about a bike, you know?

Use less gas, no traffic jams, park wherever the hell you want.

At the end of the day... Thank you.

Chicks dig.

You look so cute.

Here's your question.

Chicks dig this. Yes, chicks dig this.

It's a bit tricky. The hot is actually cold, the cold is actually hot. You've

got to crank it all the way up at first.

And if somebody questions the toilet in Bayonne, you are going to get scalded.

The towels are right there.

Everything all right? Okay?

Oh, no, it's more than okay.

I love everything about this house. The noise, the smells.

Oh, the smells, that's Uncle Arnold, I mean.

What's wrong?

It's just that when your mom hugged me today, she really hugged me.

We're winning a game of bullshit.

Sweetie, that's a good thing.

Smile.

Smile. Come on, give me a smile.

Okay, that's good. That's it. You're scaring me.

There's something in your voice makes my heart beat

fast Hope this feeling lasts

the rest of my life

this moment

This is home, huh?

This is home.

Hey, listen.

Tomorrow night my boss is throwing a party for that diamond account I was

telling you about.

I want you to come with me.

Okay.

Okay?

Yeah.

As my girlfriend.

Are you calling me your girlfriend?

Yeah, I think I am.

Well, tomorrow will be the 10th day we've been seeing each other.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe after that we'll know.

Listen, don't make any plans for day 13, okay?

Because...

We have a game to go to.

Uh-huh.

They're not as good a seat as you got us, but this is game seven.

Yes?

Okay. Yes?

Lana, I can't write this article.

Is your computer broken?

I've gotten to know this guy.

Andy, do you see any patches or insignia anywhere on my clothing?

No. It's because I'm not your Girl Scout leader, I'm your boss.

You'll write the article.

This cover is at the printer as we speak.

With a special section on diamonds, which is going to take care of my ad

quota for the entire year.

I want copy on my desk in 48 hours.

Okay, but Lana... No, but Lana, you'll do it.

Because you're a professional.

You're beautiful

You

look pretty good too Sparky

Thank you.

Chalk went up to couples therapy.

Oh.

That's some party.

Hmm?

You're gonna do great.

I'm gonna go to the bar and get us a couple of drinks. Oh, good idea. Okay?

And while I do that, would you please?

Head over there and frost yourself.

I can wear this. Yes, ma'am, you can.

Philip! Lana!

I don't see you at a party for ages. Now here you are throwing the bash of the

year.

I'm glad you could make it.

Like them? Ah, it suits you. I know.

Harry Winston.

How did you get all these jewelers to agree to appear at the same fence?

At the request of Mrs. DeLauer.

Really? Yes, you see, Mr.

DeLauer controls 70% of the world's diamonds, and Mrs. DeLauer controls Mr.

DeLauer.

You're bad.

Lana!

Mrs. Real?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's it.

Yes,

sir. Such beauty should be celebrated.

Isadora? Oh, no. I'm Andy.

Oh, it's a pleasure to meet you, Andy. But this is Isadora.

Turn, turn, if you please.

84 carats.

Named for Isadora Duncan.

Congratulations. You got her here.

But the question remains, does she or doesn't she?

We're going to find out.

An angel of God.

I am afraid.

Andy Anderson.

Well, it looks like you've got some competition anyway.

Miss Anderson will be wearing this attire for the evening.

Enjoy the party, Andy.

Merci beaucoup.

Oh, that's stunning.

Excuse me.

Two champagnes, please, sir.

Pardon me, young man.

Would you be kind enough to order me a whiskey sour?

Yes, ma'am, I can. Mrs. DeLauer?

Yes. I'm Ben Barry with Warren Advertising. How do you do?

The pleasure is mine. It's nice to finally meet you.

I'm very happy to meet you, too. That's for sure.

Can I get a whiskey sour, please?

I can promise you that our presentation will not weary you in the wrong way, Mr.

Lally. I cannot wait to see what you present, Benjamin.

Ladies, do you see what I see?

Oh, Philip, that's ridiculous. She couldn't possibly.

Don't be so sure.

She might possibly.

I think I'll go find out.

Excuse me.

You're Andy, yes?

Yes. I'm Philip Warren.

Oh, you're Ben's boss. That's right.

Hi, pleasure to meet you. Pleasure to meet you.

Well, I understand you've been an inspiration to Ben in more ways than

one. And I must say...

You look rather inspired yourself.

There isn't a diamond in the room that sparkles like a woman in love.

Oh, no, no.

I'm not in love.

No? I guess I was mistaken. No, no, no. I mean, I've only known him for ten

days. You can't.

I can't be.

Ben is a very lucky man.

Excuse me.

Mr.

Warren, please don't tell him.

Please don't tell him.

Hey.

Ben, Ben.

Hey, hello, gentlemen.

Yeah? She loves you? She loves you not? What is it? I don't know.

We'll see.

Ben!

Mr. Warren. Saw her, met her, she loves you, you win, get ready to pitch.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Congratulations,

Point Man. I'm very proud.

So, you're the new Point Man on the DeLowers.

She loves me.

Good for you. And good for whoever she is.

Oh, come on.

Thank you so much. Oh, you're so very welcome.

Loading, are we?

Yeah, pretty much. Warren told us so. You don't mess with my man.

Your man Ben is a cheater. The girl has known about the bet from the beginning.

She was playing along so Ben would win.

Tell him to enjoy his short-lived ill-gotten victory. We're going to talk

to Warren.

No.

Couldn't be.

Hey.

Remember us?

Hi. You know, Warren is going to come over here in a minute, and it would

be so great if you could just, you know, like, act like you don't know anything

about the band.

I mean, if you could tell him that you really, truly love Ben, you know, and

you weren't just, you know, pretending so he would win, that would be huge.

So what's the average composure reader like?

Spunky.

Insatiable. Uppity, you bet.

Excuse me? Ivana, there is a beautiful young woman in a yellow dress that I

must go to. Andy!

Yes, she's my how-to girl.

How-to? Yes!

Right now, she's doing an article called How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

She's looking straight in the eye. Yeah, and just, you love Ben, and you've never

heard anything about any bet. Yeah.

Love no bet.

Okay. I understand.

Awesome. Yeah, that's good. Thank you. You look beautiful.

Poor schmuck. She's been pretending to date. Well, not even pretending to date.

She's actually dating the guy. She's doing the most atrocious things to him.

She's actually named his... She's named

his... Your crawl.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I ask you all kindly to be seated?

Now that we're all suitably frosted, the ladies do look lovely,

please help me give a warm welcome to our special guests of the evening, Mr.

and Mrs. Frederick DeLauer.

And now I want to introduce a true musical legend who will perform some of

his Oscar, Grammy, Tony, and Emmy award-winning songs, Mr.

Marvin Hamlisch.

Marvin.

Thank you very much.

Yes, give another hand for Marvin Hamlisch. She's in the house.

A lot of you out here don't know Benjamin Barry. Well, shame on

you.

Because he is a very talented advertising executive, a knowledgeable

sports fan, and a wagering enthusiast.

But most impressively, he is one hell of a singer.

And he has prepared a little musical snack.

for his new special friend, Mrs.

DeLauer. Oh!

Oh, isn't that wonderful?

So, Ben, why don't you come up here and sing your song?

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, Andy, Andy. Whoa, whoa, don't run

off, don't run off. Ladies and gentlemen, you do not want this young

lady to leave the room.

Thayer, Tony, would you stop her, please?

You see, tonight, the really special event is that we will be singing, her

and I, a duet.

Yes, Ms. Andy Anderson, will you please give her a warm round of applause?

Thank you.

Andy.

Andy Anderson.

Knock him out.

Let's see what our song tonight would be, maybe one of our personal favorites.

Marvin, do you know You're So Vain?

That's not one of my songs.

Can you work with me, Marvin?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You walked into the party like

you were walking onto a yacht.

You had your hat pulled down real strategically over one eye. You had a

scarf. I think it was apricot.

Strategically tipped below one eye. You had one eye in the mirror.

How'd you make sure you had a real cool... Gavotte. Gavotte, yeah.

And all the girls think that they'd be your partner. They'd be his partner.

Tone deaf and drunk is not a good combination.

You fooled me to win a bet and you should feel ashamed.

Look, you took me to a goddamn Celine Dion concert. You made me miss the big

game. Oh, smart guys.

Anderson, I'm not done with you. You used me to get ahead in your work, you

arrogant, backstabbing jerk. Ladies, hold it!

All right, you drove me half insane for a goddamn magazine article.

Oh, yeah, and you told people you could make any girl fall in love with you, and

I? Ma'am? I was exhibiting.

I'm out!

What?

Look, please, just give me the necklace, then you guys can go on and kill each

other.

So that's what I was, huh?

I was a guinea pig.

Somebody you could test your theories on. Yeah, and I was just a girl somebody

picked out in a bar.

Yeah, you know what? It's a big deal.

Hell, I'm sure now you can even use it as a little twist in your story.

It's a good idea. Maybe we should bet on it.

You know what?

You did your job, though, Amy. You wanted to lose a guy in ten days.

Congratulations. You did it. You just lost him.

No, I didn't Ben because you can't lose something you never had

Well, it's not what I expected.

It's better.

Congratulations. This shows me you're ready to be unleashed.

From now on, feel free to write about anything.

Anything?

Wherever the wind blows you.

Even politics?

No, the wind's not going to blow you there.

What about religion, poverty, economics?

This wind is really more of a light breeze.

What can I write about, Lana?

Whatever you want.

Shoes, laser therapy, dressing for your body type.

Use your imagination. The sky is the limit.

Thank you for this opportunity, Lana.

Okay.

And thank you for making it easy for me to turn down.

No, I mean, look, it's not something I'm proud of. Obviously, if I could do it

over again, I'd do some things differently, you know?

I'd say it's good to talk to you, though, man.

It really is.

Ah, I know it. You are the only one that knows us both.

You want to go?

You want to go to the game?

Well, go ahead, because I'm not going.

Seventh and final game in what has been a classic series... Sweetie, I wouldn't

have gone either.

I mean, I would have liked to have gone, but you probably wouldn't let me.

You're doing the right thing.

Oh,

sweetie.

There's Chinese Coming

Okay,

so that's gonna Michelle

That wasn't the Chinese

Yeah,

what do I do what do I do?

Mike?

Mike!

Hi.

Hi.

So, um... What are you doing here?

I don't know exactly.

Um, it was last night. I was... I was just lying there trying to sleep.

And you know that... that perfume you sprayed on my pillow?

Oh, yeah.

Well, that smell is gone now.

I, um... I don't know if you can have it back.

Right.

Yeah.

Okay.

But I, um... I'm willing to consider it.

Okay.

Yeah.

Um, these are for you. Thank you.

Hi.

We could, uh... I don't know who he is.

Who needs man?

Ladies, frost yourselves.

Beautiful.

And cut it.

Very nice.

Beautiful. Okay, let's go one more.

Right away, people.

Mark.

Tim, can I see play back?

Open me, Ben.

Please break my binding. Get that out of here, Ben.

You might want to read this.

Uh, no thanks.

Yeah?

I've lost a guy, and I don't know why.

What went wrong?

When I started writing this month's column, I wanted to commit those certain

silly dating faux pas.

What I didn't realize was that I was making the biggest mistake of all.

Here. Trust me.

Read it.

Andy Anderson?

Excuse me, ma'am.

Holy crap.

Where's Andy Anderson?

Uh, she's not here. Where is she? She quit. She's got an interview in

Washington. When's she leaving?

Today. When?

Well, like, now.

You're not a therapist, are you?

Oh, no.

Good job, though.

You owe me 300 bucks.

Andy!

Andy, where...

and he prays for those

I can see how far we've come But still I can't remember anything

It's a long way down when all the nights

we've time Undone Anywhere you go I'll follow

you down I'll follow you-

pull the car over here.

Okay, well then do you have an ashtray or something I can throw up in?

Gee, lady.

Fuck it, bud.

The hell was that?

Is this true?

Ben, please. Is this true?

Or are you just trying to sell magazines?

I meant every word.

Well, where are you going?

I have an interview.

Yeah, in Washington.

I know.

Where are you going?

Ben, it's the only place I can go and write what I want to write.

No, I'm not buying that.

You can write anywhere.

I think you're running away.

Why don't you save your mind games for your next bet, okay? I am not running

away.

Bullshit.

Excuse me?

You heard me.

Bullshit.

Hey lady, what do you want to do?

Take the lady's luggage back to her place. She has alternate transportation.

You calling my bluff?

You bet I am.

Look who made the trip with me. It's our love fern.

Oh, Benny.

It's all that I can give to you Love is more

than just a game or two Two in love can make

it Take my heart but please don't break it