Original subtitles

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): My mom had something

called Project Nest Watch.

She was keeping tabs on how many more

days she would have me in her house before I went to college.

Once she hit 500, panic struck.

Morning, sunshine.

You know what we need?

An activity together.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): All my life my mom was

reluctant to let me grow up.

Look at the pretty flowers, Justin.

Mom, you missed a spot.

We could take a cooking class.

We could learn how to do Thai soups.

Oh, what about mother-son yoga?

How does that work exactly?

Do not engage.

JUSTIN: Look--

We only have 500 more days left!

Awesome.

We're down to vanilla and plain yogurt.

Are we living in the Great Depression?

Hey, hon.

I'm gonna be late tonight.

The squad's making me do volunteer work after school.

500 more days.

For the love of me, would you just pick one already?

Dad, I don't want to.

You know she's gonna grind you down eventually.

Just submit to it.

I got it.

Community theater.

They're doing "Rent" this year.

What is "Rent?"

It takes place in Greenwich Village,

and it's a group of young people,

and they can't afford their housing, and half of them

have AIDS, you know, from homosexual activity

or intravenous drug use.

That seems very depressing.

Come on, Justin!

What do you say?

I don't know.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I'd been burned by the stage before.

(SINGING FALSETTO) Three blind mice.

Three blind mice.

Na, na, na, na, na, na.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Everyone who tried out

was supposed to get a role, but I didn't get anything.

You don't actually have to be in the musical.

Do stage crew.

- Stage crew? - Yeah, nail stuff.

Paint rocks.

Couldn't be less gay.

Fine.

I'll do it, but only if I can do stage crew.

Ah, yes!

Viva la view boheme!

Yes!

THEME SONG: What's so funny about peace,

love, and understanding?

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): As part of the cheerleaders' community

outreach program, or "volun-cheering"

as they called it, Claire joined the teen hotline at school.

Follow this script for suicides and overdoses.

Cool.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): She was excited to use her alias,

the name she wanted to legally adopt when she was four.

Mom, can I change my name to Guinevere?

No, Clair.

Yeah, that's stupid.

Teen hotline.

This is Guinevere.

[heavy breathing]

Caller, are you there?

Are you-- are you OK?

Are you having trouble breathing?

CALLER (ON PHONE): What do you smell like?

Do you smell like peaches?

Do I smell--

ew!

Ew.

Ew.

Oh, yeah, you'll get a lot of those.

Ugh!

Teen hotline.

This is Guinevere.

[crying on phone]

CALLER (ON PHONE): It's just so hard.

I'm really scared.

OK, let's take this one step at a time.

Are you feeling like you're going

to hurt yourself or others?

CALLER (ON PHONE): Yeah, I guess that depends on

do you smell like peaches?

The caller on the other line just died.

I hope you're happy.

ALL: (SINGING) 500,025,600 minutes.

500,025,000 moments so dear.

500,025,600 minutes.

What are you doing there, Justin?

Oh, just, uh, painting some bricks, Dr. Feldman.

It looked more like meatloafs to me.

That, my boy, is a zinger.

Day-o!

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): This is Dr. Feldman.

He's my pediatrician.

He's also got the lead in the last four

community theater productions.

A hole in one.

I don't-- I don't want to push, but some of the principal

roles are still open.

Mom, I am not auditioning.

Okay-doke.

I'm just so glad you're here.

Oh, actually, uh, I have to go backstage and help

paint some blood on a mattress.

Fun!

Finally, somebody who isn't going to die on me out there.

I'm Zoe, AKA Mimi.

Please tell me that you're here to audition for Roger.

Dr. Feldman is the frontrunner, but I'd

rather make out with an axe wound than kiss

that man on stage.

So, are gonna be my Roger?

Well, I have to audition first.

(SINGING) Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na.

Three blind mice.

You've got it.

That is our Roger.

Yes!

You've got to work on the pitch a little,

but you've got a youthful presence.

What?

This is an outrage!

Nice work, costar.

Weird song choice, but still.

Well, I guess I like the classics.

Hey, um, why don't we practice over at my place tonight?

I've got to get you up speed.

Yeah, that sounds cool.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): A college girl

just asked me to her apartment.

I felt like a grown up, a man.

There's my little star!

Oh!

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): This was a perfect moment

for me and my mother.

Larynx.

Triple word score.

Double letter on the X. Do the math, Mr. Tolchuk.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We don't throw purses in this house, missy.

I didn't get one life or death phone call all day.

The teen hotline is officially not hot.

I mean, I never really understood why

you chose the hotline anyway.

I mean, it's not like helping people

has ever been your strong suit.

What are you talking about?

Forget it, OK?

Because I feel like you're about to start yelling at me,

and I've got a lot of lines to learn.

Mom, are you hearing this?

Oh my god, you guys don't think I can do it.

I think you can do anything you set your mind to, Claire.

Oh, a foreigner believes in me more than my own parents.

Well, we'll see who's laughing when I stop some loser

from slitting his wrists.

Speaking of drama, what do you say we go over your lines

for the play, big guy?

Well, actually I'm supposed to go over to Zoe's tonight, so.

Oh.

I mean, she is my costar.

Well, yeah, sure.

Of course.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): My mother was at a rare loss for words,

but not Raja.

Awkward.

Seven letters.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I was in a real college girl's apartment.

The smell of incense, ramen noodles everywhere, a couch

that was found in an alley.

I imagined this is what heaven was like.

The reason I do community theater

is because MCC's drama department is so political.

I've been there for like three years,

and I've only been in one production.

Well, that's great.

No, that sucks.

It was this experimental thing where I had to eat my own hair.

Oh, well, no what I mean is it's

great that you got something.

You know, when I auditioned for "Oklahoma" at Medora High,

the wouldn't even let me sing in the chorus.

You didn't get anything?

They wouldn't even let me sub in for Jud Fry's dead body.

That's hilarious and so perfectly deadpan.

Are you sure you're just a high schooler?

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): That may be the best

question I've ever been asked.

You're way more mature than most college guys.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Now the pressure was on.

I had to come up with something interesting and mature to say.

I've never had coffee before.

It's like all guys my age care about

is getting blitzed and hooking up.

I'm so glad that we can just focus on the work, Justin,

and not worry about any of this guy-girl BS.

I couldn't agree more.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): As I sat there,

straining not to look at Zoe's boobs,

I realized that I was mature.

It felt so great to finally be appreciated by a girl--

in fact, a woman.

If Zoe just wanted to be friends,

I could totally not stare at her back tattoo.

Teen hotline.

This is Guinevere.

Can I help you with a serious problem?

RAJA (ON PHONE WITH AMERICAN ACCENT): Um, I hope so.

Great.

What's your name, caller?

Doug.

My name's Doug.

What can I help you with, Doug?

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Raja hated seeing Claire upset.

He wanted to at least give her the opportunity

to help somebody.

My dad keeps pushing me to kick butt at baseball,

and he says if I don't shatter Babe Ruth's home record,

he's going to beat me savagely.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): He was doing his best to sound

like an All-American boy.

Well, that's retarded.

Tell him to stop doing that.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): After a few misfires,

Claire actually gave Raja the support

his fictional character needed.

She listened.

She asked good questions, and over the next two weeks,

they talked for hours, but then something else

happened that no one expected.

Claire and Doug started to bond.

And it's hard.

I mean, I have friends and people who care about me,

but sometimes I feel so alone.

Everyone feels that way.

Really?

Yeah, believe me.

Those people who seem to have it all together,

they cover it up the most.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): And soon Doug and Guinevere were really

talking about Claire and Raja.

And they weren't the only ones who had bonded.

Zoe and I had developed a little chemistry too.

(SINGING) On to light the candle.

(SINGING) Why don't you forget that stuff?

You look like you're 16.

I'm 19.

But I'm old for my age.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): And this drove my mother crazy.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

How hard can it be?

Uh, excuse me, Lionel.

Someone from the chorus.

Yes.

I do not mean to be an armchair director,

but the scene has no tension.

What if Roger, as he's getting to know Mimi,

is possessed by some old demons, and that

way someone from the chorus or a placeholder-- me--

could represent addiction?

Why not?

Listen, we've got a lot of work to do.

Now back to one, people.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I felt bad.

My mom just wanted to be involved in my life,

but she had to realize that I wasn't a kid anymore.

I was Roger, and Roger was a bad ass who read hard books

and drank real coffee.

It's awful quiet down here.

Don't hear a lot of angry singing.

- I'm studying. - Studying?

Really?

Zoe thought it would help inform

my take on Roger's to-hell-with-it attitudes.

And you're drinking coffee now?

Justin, it's 7 o'clock.

Not only are you going to have the [inaudible],

you're going to be up all night.

Is there anybody named Doug in the junior class?

I don't know.

I'm sort of over the whole construct

of secondary education.

Whatever. How about you?

You know any Dougs?

Why do you ask, Claire?

I've been talking to this guy named Doug down at the hotline,

but it would be great to figure out who he is.

He's so warm and easy to talk to.

And that laugh.

Doug sounds lame.

Doug is not lame.

I mean, he sounds cool.

You know, the way he likes to talk to people.

Yeah, shut up butt munch.

I'm gonna figure out who this guy is.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): As much as Raja

loved hearing Claire defend Doug, this had gone too far.

Claire would eventually discover him.

Doug had to go.

Gar, I can't take it anymore.

Oh, I'm sorry, babe.

I honestly think I've got a tape worm or something.

I'm--

No, it's not the ham.

It's Justin.

He completely shut me out.

The musical was supposed to be a way for us to bond,

but he spends all his time with Zoe the college girl.

Oh.

A college girl?

Are you kidding me?

Way to go, Tolchuk.

Well, nothing actually happened.

Good, that'll give us a chance to go over some of the basics.

First off, if you're going into battle,

you got to wear your armor.

Hm?

All right.

Now, it's time to show you how to use one of these babies.

What, I'm not gonna put it on you, you fruitcake.

Go downstairs and get a banana.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I wondered if I

shouldn't tell him that Zoe and I were just friends.

I also wondered why he walked around

with a pocket full of condoms.

I am starring in the hit musical "Rent,"

and my costar is a hot college girl who lends me huge books.

I cry BS.

What? You can't cry BS.

Sure I can.

I just did.

Well, I cry bad friend.

It's totally true.

Come on, Jus.

We're supposed to believe you're starring

in a musical with a coed?

You think we forgot about the ninth grade?

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I needed my friends to believe me.

Somehow I had to prove it.

Boom!

Does that look like a lie?

Pack of 12.

Two missing.

Which means you may love twice?

Or you double bagged it.

Either way my man up here.

Woo!

How did you seal the deal?

You know, college girls don't play games.

I straight out asked her, and she said yes.

So organic.

You are a panther.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): As I was starting a lie,

Raja was finishing his.

- You're moving? - Yeah.

My dad's getting transferred, and he's

moving the whole family down south to Alabama.

Maybe I could get your number so we could

stay in touch or something?

Um.

[dialing]

Hello? Hello?

- Mom? - Claire?

Doug?

What's going on?

Who's Doug?

Are you with Doug? - No.

Are you with Doug?

Hello, this is Raja.

I was just trying to use the phone.

Raja?

Claire?

Who's Raja?

I think our lines are crossed.

Something's not right here.

Let's everybody hang up.

We'll try again.

I am sorry.

I was wrong.

I have broken your trust. - Shut up.

Shutting up.

You must be pretty pleased with yourself.

Of all the prank callers, you made me feel the stupidest.

It was not meant to be a prank call.

That is not shutting up, Doug!

Were you trying to make a fool of me?

Answer me.

OK.

You have to understand this got way out of control.

I was trying to make you feel better.

Better?

I wanted to prove that you can help someone.

But it wasn't real.

It was.

Baseball, abusive father, huffing.

OK, I may have started with some lies.

I opened up to you.

I told you things I haven't told anybody.

I know.

Do you think those things I said are not real?

Feeling alone?

Pretending things are OK when they are not?

I told you things that I have not even told Justin,

and you were helpful, and you were compassionate,

and your family was wrong.

You are so much more than you seem.

You still shouldn't have lied.

What-- what are you guys doing here?

We came to support you, brother.

And we want some of that ass.

JUSTIN: Will you shut up, please?

I knew I shouldn't have told you guys about this.

What, and keep all the college strange for yourself?

No way.

We're willing to earn our keep, though.

Ushers wear suits, right?

OK, I have to go.

ZOE: Hi, Justin.

Hey, Zoe.

OK, weirdness.

I'm Zoe.

These are my friends, Cyra and Teagan.

Hey, what's up?

Hey.

Good evening, ladies.

I want to make love.

Uh, what did you just say?

Nothing.

He's actually got a mild form of the Tourette's.

No, no.

Don't apologize for me I'm just putting it out there.

Justin said college girls could handle it.

What?

Is that right, Justin?

What else did you say that we could handle?

No. No.

Dooley's retarded, OK?

But we have to get backstage.

You told them that we hooked up, didn't you?

No.

Maybe a little.

I don't know.

You know, the only reason I stayed in this crappy play

is because I thought that you were cool,

and now you're lying about hooking

up like some high schooler?

I am a high schooler.

Ugh, screw this.

No, Zoe.

Oh.

- What do you mean she quit? - I don't know.

She just got really upset, and she left really fast.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I felt like an ass.

"Rent" was about to be canceled, but then something unexpected

happened again.

(SINGING) Oh won't you light the candle.

Break a leg out there.

Sure.

You don't really want to do this, do you?

Well, I mean, it's not exactly how I planned it.

Well, this isn't what I planned either, Justin.

I just wanted to spend some time with you.

I'm so sorry.

It's hard letting go.

I know.

You know, we don't have to go out there if you don't want to.

No, mom, it's OK.

Really.

[applause]

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I must admit, with my mom

and me playing young lovers with AIDS, it was a little weird,

but it was also fun.

(SINGING) Light a candle.

(SINGING) Why don't you forget that stuff?

You look like you're 16.

I'm 19, but I'm old for my age.

I'm just born to be bad.

Man, why can't she be my mom.

What chemistry.

Is that even legal?

Not where I am from.

[laughter]

Claire, I did not.

We're good.

FRANNY: No, with my father.

I'm Roger.

They call me.

Hey, are they gonna kiss in this?

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): And that's when

I realized we did have to kiss.

[audience awing]

In the end, my mom couldn't have been happier.

Not only did she get the lead role,

but she finally got some time with her leading man.

After the show, I skipped the cast part

at Dr. Feldman's to find Zoe.

I am so sorry.

No, I should apologize.

I shouldn't have walked out like that.

I guess I'm a drama major for a reason.

Well, no.

No, I mean I shouldn't have lied about us.

You know, I was--

I was happy just being friends.

It's fine.

Really.

In fact, I'm a little bit flattered.

If only you were a little bit older.

Well, you know, I am 18.

You know, I was held back.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I guess I wasn't done lying yet.

Zoe and I had talked for hours that night.

Well, maybe it wasn't all talking,

but I'm too mature to tell you anything else.

THEME SONG: What's so funny about peace,

love, and understanding?

Oh.

What's so funny about peace, love, and understanding?

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