Original subtitles

[bell ringing]

I am so nervous and excited.

It is like my birthday and the last day of Ramadan

all rolled into one.

It's just a career aptitude test.

It's not a big deal.

Oh, no, it is not a big deal.

It only tells you your entire future.

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) Right around junior year, everyone starts

talking an awful lot about the future.

You guys need to cut down your carbon

footprint otherwise, in the future,

you'll be living under water.

If you screw up your SATs, you may as well

kiss your future goodbye.

Use a condom, or your penis will fall off--

if not right away, then definitely in the future.

RAJA: You know, in Pakistan they do a test like this, too.

But they basically just tell everyone they are going

to be an engineer or a doctor.

But in America, all the possibilities are limitless.

You can be anything-- anything at all!

This test says you should be a doctor.

Oh.

That is great, a noble profession.

[inhales sharply]

Justin, Justin, Justin--

frankly, Justin, the reason I keep

repeating your name over and over

is because I have nothing else to say.

Your test results are completely inconclusive.

What do you mean?

You have no clear career aptitude or preferences.

You're-- [exhales sharply]-- right down the middle on every

single point of interest.

Wait, so it didn't recommend any potential careers?

None, not a one.

It was like a ghost took the test, a ghost

with no opinions or aptitude.

Well, we're all done unless you have any questions.

[music playing]

THEME SONG: (SINGING) What's so funny about peace,

love, and understanding?

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) I decided not to tell

my parents about the test.

It wasn't a big deal, but I knew it would worry them.

And then Justin told me that Mr. Matthews had said to him--

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) Unfortunately, keeping things

from your parents is an American concept Raja

just can't seem to understand.

RAJA: Completely down the middle,

like a ghost took the test.

Wait, what are you talking about, ghost?

Nothing?

No results?

Oh, there he is.

He will tell you.

JUSTIN: Hey, guys.

The career test didn't really say anything.

But I'll figure it out eventually, right?

FRANNY: Don't worry, honey.

Any ideas, though?

Any thoughts at all about what you want to be?

Nope, not really.

I have no idea.

Oh.

Well, the most important thing is that you

don't get too down on yourself.

No, I'm not.

You don't have to pretend, Justin.

We all know the situation is obviously quite bleak.

[sighs]

Now that my path is clear, I cannot imagine not knowing.

Do you ever stop talking?

GARY: You're almost a senior, Justin.

You need to figure this out before all

the good jobs get taken.

This isn't something you can ignore like sports or girls.

FRANNY: But we don't want to pressure you.

GARY: No.

No, we just want to talk.

For example, in your mind's eye, what do you picture

yourself doing in 20 years?

Come on, Franny, get to the point.

Gun to your head, what you want to be?

I don't know.

Gun to your head, gun to your head!

[whimpers]

FRANNY: Gary, can we holster it, please?

CLAIRE: Leave Justin alone, Mom.

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) You know things have hit

a new low between my mom and my sister

when Claire starts sticking up for me.

Excuse me, young lady?

Leave him alone about the stupid test, Fran.

It's "Mom," and I am trying to have

an open dialogue with my son.

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) For some mysterious reason,

Claire had redirected her contempt for me to our mom.

I am not going to be spoken to that way.

It's like my--

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) Like mothers and teenage daughters

throughout history, my mom and Claire's relationship

had recently become very combative.

It started without warning and with tremendous force

not unlike a hurricane--

What was that?

What?

Staring at me.

I wasn't--

You are so judgmental!

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) --Hurricane Claire.

From there, Hurricane Claire only grew in pressure

and force and drama queen-ness.

I hope I die in my sleep!

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) And every time they

fight, it ends the same way.

I'm going to Alicia's.

FRANNY: And, as usual, she goes tromping on

over to her trampy little friend Alicia's house.

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) Maureen was my mother's friend

from growing up and the first woman I had

ever had a dirty dream about.

[gasps] Well, now look who's all big.

My goodness.

I remember when I used to bounce you on my lap.

[laughs awkwardly] I remember, too.

Anyhoo, and there's no supervision over there.

And she knows I hate her going over there.

Well, there's no stopping her, right?

I tell you, Maureen, these arguments

are really wearing on me.

Of course they are.

And there's Gary just standing there doing nothing, right?

[scoffs]

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) Since getting divorced,

Maureen seemed less fond of men in general

and my dad specifically.

Hi, honey.

I'm home.

Territorial much?

Why don't you just pee a little circle around her, too, Gary?

Pig.

[lasers shooting]

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) Later that day,

Raja and I went over to Dooley's house to hide from my dad.

Why don't you just pick a job so you dad will lay off, huh?

I can't.

I don't know what I want to be.

And I don't think I should have to choose.

I'm only 16.

Hey, guys.

Hey, look who woke up just in time to help make dinner.

DOOLEY: Oh, great, him.

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) About six months ago

Dooley's parents had surprised him

with Dylan, a new baby brother.

Oh, he's so cute!

Look at the little fingers!

DOOLEY: Ooh, call the newspaper.

He's got fingers.

Dooley, he is very cute.

You don't know him, man.

He's a manipulative little bitch.

MR. DOOLEY: Don't talk about your brother like that.

Now, do one of you boys want to hold Dylan in for a tick

while I strain the pasta?

I hear there is a spot on a baby's head

that, if you touch it, it will die.

I am training to be a doctor.

So, are you on holiday from work, Mr. Dooley?

Oh, no.

No, this is my job.

I'm a stay-at-home dad.

When I was little, he worked 70 hours a week.

Typical.

Dylan gets everything.

So what's your schedule like?

MR. DOOLEY: Well, let's see.

I get the kids ready in the morning.

I spend the day with little munchkin-- you--

and I try to get some time for myself

when he goes down for a nap.

GARY: Well, how about a mechanic?

Noble, necessary, helping people enjoy the open road.

I know Mark down at [inaudible] Auto Body.

I'm sure he'd let you shadow him for a day.

I'll call him right now.

Dad, stop.

Don't call him, OK?

I figured it out.

I know what I want to be.

Justin, that's great.

What is it?

A stay-at-home dad.

What?

I want to be Dooley's dad.

I want to do my own thing, write my own song.

Plus, I'm great with kids, remember?

I was the one who taught Claire how to read.

But men can't do that.

But Dooley's dad does it.

I'd be good at it.

Plus, it sounds like there's a little me time involved.

I appreciate a little me time.

But men can't do that.

JUSTIN: Well, that's what I want to do.

I want to be a stay-at-home dad.

(VOICEOVER) That night, dinner was tense.

But Raja didn't notice.

He was too busy practicing surgery on his chicken.

Claire, dinner!

I heard you the first 10 times.

I really only said it twice.

It's called hyperbole, Mother.

GARY: Franny, please try and talk some sense into your son.

Being a house husband is not that weird,

you're just old fashioned.

It It is a little weird.

It is woman's work at least in Pakistan.

So, Justin, house husband, huh?

Is that where we're at?

Yes, absolutely.

OK, honey.

Well, you should know, if you're going to be a house husband,

you need to marry a woman who makes a lot of money.

Imagine that, Mom, a woman who works.

Excuse me?

That's a great point, Franny.

I mean, it's tough enough for you to get girls.

Why add extra handicaps?

FRANNY: That's not exactly what I was trying to say.

RAJA: Justin, I am going to be a doctor.

It is a difficult and arduous journey to get there,

but it will be worth it.

What journey are you going to be on?

What worth will you have?

I'll be taking care of my children

and making sure that my household is

happy and comfortable like Mom.

CLAIRE: So basically you want to sit around, do nothing,

and watch your ass get fat.

Claire!

Yeah, kind of.

[laughs]

Justin!

RAJA: But it is not even really a job.

It is nothing! - Raja!

Sorry, in Pakistan.

Not here.

CLAIRE: Basically you're saying you want to be a maid

except without getting paid for it.

Claire, that's it.

I have had enough of your little comments.

One more peep out of you, and you're

going to be grounded for more days than you can count.

Sorry, bitch.

That is it!

[groans] Too much drama, I'm going to Alicia's!

Oh, no you are not.

You don't get to escape this time.

I'm going. - What?

I'm going to Maureen's.

GARY: Hang on, we can figure this out as a--

[sighs] sometimes they just need their space.

[door slams]

[music playing]

What are you doing?

Making waffles.

Stitching a banana.

GARY: Why?

Because kids love waffles.

I might as well learn how to make them now.

Sutures are a basic doctoring skill.

I may as well learn it now.

[phone ringing]

I'll get it.

[phone ringing]

[beep]

Franny, please be you.

It's me.

Good morning, Gar.

How's everything?

JUSTIN: I'm going to make yours in the shape of camels,

a little ode to Pakistan.

Camels are actually from the Middle East, but it is OK.

I think you're wrong about that.

When are you coming home?

As soon as Claire is ready to apologize.

GARY: Claire, your mom's on the phone

and wants you to apologize, OK?

Tell her to go to hell.

You know, you deserve a break.

Take all the time you need.

[gasps] Really?

Yeah.

You know, I think I ought to spend a little

more time with Justin anyway. Have fun.

Thanks.

Bye.

[sighs] Gary said take all the time I need.

That's typical.

What, typically nice?

[scrubbing]

GARY: Men, get ready.

We're going hunting.

What a beautiful crossbow.

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) I should have seen it coming.

Crossbow hunting was my dad's solution every time

I did something he considered unmanly, which

had happened once or twice.

All right.

There ya go, buddy.

This ought to help out those weak ankles, huh?

Look, Daddy, I'm pregnant!

I'm going to have a baby out of my vagina!

GARY: A day in the woods is just what we men need.

Nothing like a little fresh air and some dead animals

to really clear your mind.

Islam does not allow one to hunt for sport.

But I will come along for the camaraderie, especially

if I can hold this work of art.

Not yet, Raja.

[birds chirping]

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) As I suspected,

the hunting trip was just a way for my dad

to get me into a remote area so he could

make stupid career suggestions.

[arrow shoots]

Something tells me these boys are sleeping.

Jockey? - No.

- Physical therapist? - Definitely not.

How about a chef? Meet me halfway.

No.

I told you, gun to my head, I'm a stay-at-home dad.

- No, you are not! - Yes, I am!

Justin, come back here!

Raja, hold the crossbow.

Really?

Justin!

Son!

Such craftsmanship, so smooth.

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) Raja knew he wasn't allowed to hunt,

and he knew he shouldn't tempt himself but--

GARY: It's that feeling, Justin, after a hard day's work.

And I'm talking about man work.

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) I'm ashamed to admit that, at that moment,

I wished something really, really bad

would happen to my father.

And then--

[arrow thwacks]

[screaming]

Oh no.

[screaming]

I was aiming for the tree.

(HYSTERICAL) You shot my father.

Raja, put down the weapon!

I'm gonna grab it.

I'm gonna-- I'm gonna yank it out, OK?

Blood-- it is everywhere!

GARY: Oh, God!

[music playing]

So this is the hot club then, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, this is-- this is how the kids roll now, Franny--

rundown building, no signs.

It's a total dump inside.

You're going to love it.

I'm here like every weekend.

Do you always wait this long?

Yeah, sometimes longer.

Oh, nice.

Nice, check that out.

Check those girls out.

I've got boots older than that.

What are they, like 17?

18?

15 and 3/4.

Hey, sorry, sweetie.

You've got to wait in line like everyone else.

You just let my 15-year-old daughter in that club.

So get out of my way, or I'm calling the Medora

Police Department, "sweetie."

- Yeah, just throw it. - Back.

Sit back. Sit back.

Sit back.

Just sit right down.

Can we please call Mom and tell her what happened now?

No, don't. Don't, don't.

Let her have fun.

Plus, I promised her I wouldn't use the crossbow anymore.

She said I might shoot myself.

[laughs] Boy was she wrong.

I just want to apologize again.

Oh.

I'm sure when the pain medicine wears off I'll be mad,

but for now we're fine.

Of course.

Keep the pills coming.

GARY: All I really need is a nap--

Okie doke.

GARY: --and some soup with bread and a root

beer float and warmer socks.

And Could someone comb my hair?

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) And just like that, I had a baby.

FRANNY: I cannot believe-- do you even know how old you are?

Do you know how many rules, how many laws you have broken?

Well, really just one--

underage drinking.

[car unlocks]

Are we going to the VIP room?

Hey, you're Claire's mom in a sexy shirt.

[growls]

How drunk is she?

CLAIRE: She's been pounding shots all night.

I think she's pretty drunk.

I'm not drunk.

Look!

Whoa!

- [kisses] - Oh.

At least she's a friendly drunk.

All right, we're going to get her into this car

and get her home.

But do not think you are off the hook, young lady.

OK, Alicia, are you comfortable?

[retches] [coughs]

You had to wait until you were in the car to do that.

Hey, what are you doing?

Why are you hiding in your room?

You should be out there helping me with my dad.

You're the one who shot him.

Fine, you see right through me.

I just cannot face your father.

I feel terrible.

I shot him, Justin.

I shot him with an arrow.

Oh, do you think they might kick someone out of the study

abroad program for this?

Huh.

I don't know.

RAJA: Also, I got very woozy when I saw the injury.

How am I going to be a doctor if I feel faint every time

I see an arrow in someone's tush?

Well, to be fair, that might not happen very often.

Still, the sight of blood makes me gag.

There is no way I can be a doctor.

JUSTIN: OK, fine.

Well, look at it this way.

At least now you know what you can't do.

I mean, that's helpful, right?

It's like the opposite aptitude test.

So here's what you can't do--

doctor, nurse, EMT, blood analyst.

- Professional archer. - [laughs]

RAJA: I was aiming for the other side of the field.

[laughs] - Yeah.

And so every time you suck at something,

you just add it to the list.

And you'll have it narrowed down in no time.

RAJA: Thank you, Justin.

And I am sorry for not being completely supportive

of your career choice.

And I must apologize to your mother for those "women's work"

comments.

GARY: Justin, I need you!

[groans]

RAJA: Wait, wait.

I may not be cut out to be a doctor,

but at least I can help.

OK.

GARY: And hurry!

Pus and blood are seeping through my bandage,

and I need a new one!

All yours, sorry.

ALICIA: (CRYING) I'm sorry I broke your phone, Claire.

Sweetie, you broke your phone.

I broke my phone?

(CRYING) I broke my phone.

Alicia, shh.

We're whispering now.

(LOUD WHISPERING) OK.

I broke my phone!

I know.

Claire, go see if you can get Alicia's mom.

She must be worried sick.

I don't think she's here.

All righty.

Come on, sweetie.

We're going to get you cleaned up and into bed.

OK, there you go.

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) I think it was then that Claire started

to realize that sometimes a little bit of mothering

isn't such a bad thing.

And right up there.

My dad was realizing the same thing.

WOMAN: (SINGING) --you are and all you'll do.

You're the best mom in the whole world, Mr. Tolchuck.

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) To Claire's surprise,

she was starting to agree.

FRANNY: OK, your father wants to know where we were.

You tell him I took you to buy tampons,

he won't ask anything after that.

So you're not going to tell him about the club.

Uh, no.

Thanks, Mom.

But you are not off the hook yet, young lady.

Hand it over.

Hand what over?

Give me the fake ID.

How old are you?

Stalled.

[grumbles]

[car starting]

Wow, Mom, it smells great here-- not vomity at all.

How'd you do that?

I rubbed oranges on the upholstery, masks the smell.

Of course, now it smells like somebody

threw up after eating oranges.

I'm really sorry for all the stuff I said.

I know, honey.

It's OK.

I remember what it's like to be 15.

And I'm sorry for just generally

being kind of dramatic.

It's so weird.

It's like I'm annoyed all the time,

like I'm on an island of idiots and I'm

the only one with a brain.

Oh, sweetie, you're becoming a woman.

[scoffs]

[music playing]

I could use a drink.

Me, too.

[slurping]

Did you make this?

I opened the can.

It's delicious.

You know, thanks so much for taking such good care of me.

You know, you're really good at all this.

And, well, if you want to be a house husband, it's OK by me.

Well, if taking care of a baby is

half as annoying as taking care of you,

I don't think I have it in me.

This was much harder than I thought.

Well, I'm no picnic.

But you did a bang-up job, son.

I did, huh?

I'm a pretty good stay-at-home son.

Anyway, Dad, I'm going to figure out all this future stuff,

I promise.

Just stop badgering me about it, OK?

OK.

Mr. Tolchuck, I am so sorry to have

hidden from you all evening.

I have brought you this glass of water

with lemon in it like you like.

Thanks, shooter. .

Oh, nuts.

There's blood on my bandage.

There is what on your--

oh.

[thud]

[music playing]

Something's different.

Hi, honey.

[sighs] I am so glad you're home.

Me, too.

So is Raja, like, dead?

THEME SONG: (SINGING) What's so funny about peace,

love, and understanding?

Whoa, what's so funny about peace, love, and understanding?

[music playing]

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