Original subtitles

[THEME - PJ OLSSON AND SALMAN AHMAD,

"(WHAT'S SO FUNNY 'BOUT) PEACE, LOVE, AND UNDERSTANDING"]

THEME SONG: What's so funny 'bout

peace, love, and understanding?

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): OK, so check this out.

Let's say a space alien landed in my hometown.

If he was 16 years old, he would go to my high school.

And let's face it.

His life would probably suck.

Everyone would make fun of his giant head

and his big bug eyes.

He'd be an outcast, a loner.

Definitely a virgin.

And there would be nothing he could

do about it except wait for his spaceship to take him home.

I didn't have a spaceship.

And each year of high school was worse than the last.

But all of that was about to change

because right before my junior year, I got my braces off.

Justin, you're going to need to stop

licking your teeth like that.

It's distracting to look at. - I'm sorry.

I just can't get enough of how this feels.

I mean, they're really gone.

Yeah.

Well, open up.

We don't need any hash browns caught

in our million dollar smile.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): This is my mom.

Three years earlier, she resigned

as president of the PTA because she wanted

to focus on normalizing me.

And even though I didn't always think

she knew what she was doing, sometimes I kind of

got caught up.

Oh, Justin.

If I was a girl your age. Gary.

Hm?

You know what?

I should drive him down to Milwaukee.

Have him visit one of those modeling agencies.

Hey, not a bad idea, Fran.

They take all kinds.

Stan Parker's kid did a print ad for Home Depot.

That's one year of college.

[ding]

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): My dad had a good job,

but he was always looking for a new way to make money.

Come on and get it!

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Which is why we were breeding

six alpacas in our backyard.

OK, hon.

Here you go.

[gasp]

Look at you.

This is gonna be your year.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): The only thing crazier

than my mom pumping me up like that was

the fact that I believed it.

But that's what made the dance between us so special.

Justin, you're doing it again.

I was?

You're doing it like all the time, by the way.

[ding]

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Uh, yeah.

This is my little sister, Claire.

My mom says part of my job is to make sure she's doing OK.

Like I don't have enough to deal with.

Claire!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

[music playing] We are a match made in heaven.

[squealing]

Oh my god!

CHAZ: Hey, Tolchuk!

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): These are the Palladino twins.

Last year, they put a gun in my mouth.

Turned out to be a water pistol, but I

did not know that at the time.

Dude, would happened to your sister?

What?

Over the summer, man, she got fine.

Where did that come from?

Where'd what come from?

Her giant breasts.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): My sister went away to camp

and came back with an entirely new body.

You don't love those? What are you, gay?

No, I'm not gay.

I just don't--

Are you on that?

My sister?

Oh, you gotta get on that.

Man, if she was our sister, I'd be up in her room

every night. - No, man.

I'd be in her room every night.

If she's in our house, she's going with me!

She's going with me!

What's up!

Oh, what's up!

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): As the Palladinos pounded each other,

I realized something.

That went really well.

I mean, those guys didn't even call me a name.

Not a homo or a retard or anything.

But then the day got even better.

Like before gym class in the locker room--

historically a place of unspeakable torture--

a group of guys were talking about the different girls they

had sex with last night, and one of them

took a step back so I could join the conversation.

All I did was listen, but that was enough for me.

One of the guys said he had sex with my sister

last night, which I knew was a lie, but I didn't correct him.

The moment was too perfect.

And just when I thought the day couldn't get any more awesome--

- Did you get your braces off? - Yeah.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): --Amy Greenblatt

came over and talked to me.

Yeah, I got them off like a week ago.

Good!

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Good things were

happening to Claire, as well.

You made the list!

What list?

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): The list was a compilation of names

that the coolest senior guys put together of the 10 most

bangable girls at Medora High.

Bangable? Is that good?

Are you kidding?

It's amazing.

Your life is totally gonna change.

Wow.

Do you think I'll still have time for softball?

I don't know.

Oh my God.

Look who's number eight.

--I know.

Hey, Tolchuk.

You see who made the list?

Hey, uh, we're actually kind of in the middle of something

here.

You did!

You're the eighth most bangable chick in the school.

How classic!

[laughing]

You really are a loser!

You guys are such jerks.

Bangable!

Justin, it's just a stupid joke.

It doesn't mean anything!

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): But it did mean something.

Every year, some poor bastard gets put on the list,

and this year it was me.

And in that moment, I realized the problem

was never my hair or my braces or anything like that.

The problem was me.

And I was never going to change.

I might as well have had a massive head and huge bug eyes.

I was a space alien, only no one was coming to get me.

At least not yet.

After hearing I was number eight on the list,

my mom marched directly down to my guidance

counselor's office, which moved me up two spots to number six.

You know, Franny, I've also been thinking

about Justin's situation.

I think I have a solution. [ding]

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): This is Mr. Matthews,

my guidance counselor.

He's also the top-selling car salesman in Medora.

Exchange student.

You mean send him away?

No.

No.

You take someone in and Justin is essentially

guaranteed a friendship.

You see, Franny, these kids we're bringing in,

they're not the dregs.

Their student leaders.

Athletes.

Take a look.

This blond boy here is the exchange student?

He was in Madison last year.

And this little fella right here, he is now the president

of his student class.

We'll take him.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I think any teenager's lowest point

comes when his mother decides she

has to import a friend for him.

My father, however, couldn't have been happier.

The host family gets a check every month for $500.

Hey, Franny, how many of these kids can we get?

- Dad. - What?

That way, you'd have a whole gang to pal around with.

One per household, hon.

Oh.

I guess that wasn't him.

RAJA: Are you the Tolchuks?

I am Raja-- your exchange student!

[music playing]

Um, Gar?

Y-- yeah.

Um.

I'm sorry, son.

There might be some confusion.

The boy we ordered was supposed to come in from London.

That is me!

I started in Pakistan and then I flew in from London.

Oh.

You are such good people to open your home to me,

and I thank and praise Allah for bringing you into my life.

Thank you, Allah, for the Tolchuks!

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): It seemed impossible,

but somehow my life had just gotten worse.

As we welcomed Raja into our home,

he was too giddy with excitement to realize just

how much we were freaking out.

What a beautiful home.

Thank you, Raja.

The guestroom is just down the hall.

Make yourself at home.

We'll see you in the morning.

Forgive my confusion, but is it not 6:30 here?

Raja.

I am your mother while you're here.

You've had a long flight.

I insist you go to bed.

Of course.

What are we gonna do?

Franny, I don't think there's anything we can do.

What-- what do you mean?

Why can't we just, like, return him?

Franny, will you please tell your son we can't do that?

I don't see why not.

If I ordered a coffee maker and I got a toaster,

I'd return that.

Franny.

Dad, if I walk into school with him tomorrow,

I will be crucified.

RAJA: Excuse me.

There is a book on the nightstand.

Would it be OK with you if I moved

it to make room for my book?

Oh, yeah.

That's be fine.

Many thanks.

Sure.

What about the terrorist question?

Are you serious?

They pose as students, Gary.

Bill O'Reilly said so.

You need to watch my news.

It's Medora, Wisconsin.

Oh, so now Medora's not important enough to blow up?

Where's your civic pride?

You know what?

I hope he does blow up Medora because my life

cannot get any worse!

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): The next morning,

while my mom quietly plotted against Raja,

my father began to see in a new light.

Mr. Tolchuk, may I take your plate?

Oh.

Thank you, Raja.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): He'd never seen a teenager clean before,

and he was impressed.

Justin, if you have not brushed your teeth yet,

then perhaps we can brush them together.

And we can see if a Pakistani teenager brushes differently

than an American teenager.

I think you will find we brush just the same.

I-- I am being humorous.

Mom?

Justin won't be going to school today.

He's feeling a little sick.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): No matter how much I wanted to get rid

of Raja, I could not let him walk

into school looking like that.

How about this?

No.

I like it.

It is mine.

But today is my first day.

I do not mean to sound prideful, but I

want to make an impression.

Trust me.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Turned out Raja could be kind of stubborn.

But I had to hand it to him.

He had a real sense of himself.

Thank you for driving me to school today.

You're welcome, Raja.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): In fact, the only time

I saw him thrown for a loop was when he met my sister.

[music playing]

Who are you?

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): OK you know that nightmare

when you're standing in front of your whole school, naked?

Well, that's what Raja was going through,

only it was worse because he was wearing a salwar kameez.

STUDENT: Apu, where my slushee?

Class, today I'm going to put aside our lesson because we

have a special guest.

For one year, we will be in the presence

of a real live Pakistani, who practices Muslimism.

That means we have the opportunity

to learn about his culture, and he about ours.

So let's begin a dialogue.

Raja, you are so different from us.

How does that feel?

I am not sure I understand.

Mhm.

Think about it.

How does everyone else feel about Raja and his differences?

Yes, Stephanie.

Well, I guess I feel angry because his people blew

up the buildings in New York.

Oh.

That's good.

But that is not true.

OK, Raja, in America you have to wait until you're called on.

And I'd appreciate a raised hand.

OK. Now, who else is angry at Raja?

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Sadly, this was

the highlight of Raja's day.

RAJA: What is wrong with the people of your high school?

They are like wolves and so educated about world events.

And what is fudge-Pakistan?

All day long I am called this and it is very confusing for me

because fudge is so delicious, yet they keep on laughing.

I will not lie, Justin.

That brochure-- very misleading.

La ilaha illa-llah wa muhammadur-rasulu-llah.

[ding]

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): This was the strangest thing

I'd ever seen in my house.

And we had a clown die in our living room.

What's going on there, Raja?

That is a declaration of faith called the Shahada.

It gives me strength in difficult times.

Nice.

What prayers do you recite when you are upset?

I don't usually--

I don't really pray that much.

Usually I just, you know, like eat a-- eat a brownie

or buy a CD.

Justin, the pan is empty.

Yeah.

It's a rough week.

Would you like to talk about it?

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Maybe I needed to vent,

or maybe I was just hopped up from eating 16 brownies,

but either way, I started talking.

And once I got going, I couldn't stop.

I told him my whole life story.

Not-- not just what happened, but how

I really felt about things.

I mean, stuff I wouldn't even tell the guys from chorus.

Like how sometimes, I'd pretend my pillow was Amy Greenblatt

and that I'd make out with it.

And he didn't smirk or laugh or make fun of me.

Not once.

[rock music playing]

It was strange.

I always felt like an outsider and a weirdo,

and then here comes this kid from a village in Pakistan,

and suddenly I'm not an outsider anymore.

Just a weirdo.

Oh!

Thank you for coming, Carl.

There's been a huge mistake.

So I take it you've met Raja.

You knew about this?

You said he was from London, Carl.

What could I do?

When the original host family learned

that a Pakistani Muslim was coming,

I mean, they were understandably concerned.

So they dropped out.

Which is what we would have done.

Which is why I didn't tell you.

We can go round and round about this, Franny.

I came to you because I was concerned about Justin.

Now, how does this help Justin?

Franny, at this point, my hands are tied.

This thing has become a political nightmare.

I mean, the school board is involved,

not to mention the American International Exchange Program.

They are more powerful than you want to know.

You want to dance with the American International

Exchange Program, Franny?

Huh?

You-- you want to dance with them?

Do you?

Mm.

I didn't think so.

Now, look, I know this has all been very upsetting.

Maybe this will help.

Here's your first check.

We're doing the right thing, Franny.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): While my dad sprinted down to the bank,

my mom shifted her concern to me.

Justin?

Justin?

[music playing]

Um.

Honey?

(WHISPERING) Mom, ah, shh.

Raja's doing one of his five daily salat,

so I'm praying towards Mecca with him.

OK.

Um.

OK.

OK.

OK.

Come on, Gary. Pick up.

Pick up.

Pick up.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Ugh.

Damn it.

Justin is on the floor, praying to Mecca.

That boy's turning Justin into a Muslim.

Get home now.

Mom, I really need to talk to you.

Claire, not now, OK?

I want to go on the pill.

What?

It's my body.

It's my life.

OK.

I can't deal with this right now, so please, just go

to the market and pick up a chicken for dinner,

and we'll talk about it later, OK?

Fine.

By the way, I'm bringing Jeffrey tonight.

Wait.

Who's Jeffrey? - He's part of this.

I'll explain later.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): It was at that point

my mother decided to take matters into her own hands.

Justin, you need to come with me.

Now.

Why?

Grammy's dying. [ding]

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): This is probably

the cruelest way my mother could have tricked me.

JUSTIN (CRYING): I just--

I can't-- I can't lose Grammy right now.

Calm down.

Grammy's fine.

What?

She's fine.

Why were you praying with that boy?

Wh-- I wans't praying.

Why would you say that about Grammy?

I'll tell you what you're not becoming.

You're not becoming a Muslim.

Of course I'm not!

What are you talking about?

Raja's going home.

I'm sending him home. - What?

No, no, no, no.

No, Mom.

I like Raja now.

This conversation is over.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): And it was over.

My mom had made up her mind.

Yes, uh, I'd like one ticket from Chippewa

Falls to Islamabad, please.

Atta boy, Raja.

I must say that is a job well done.

Thank you, Mr. Tolchuk.

Did you ever do any drywalling in Pakistan?

Hey, Franny, what's all this about Grammy?

Just talked to her and she said she wasn't dying at all.

Yeah, that was a false alarm.

But I'm afraid we do have some bad news.

What's wrong?

It-- it seems there's a problem with the exchange

program's insurance and unfortunately, you're going

to have to go home.

We just picked up the ticket at the school.

I'm sorry.

Me, as well.

Come on.

I'll help you pack.

Franny.

Do you boys need any help in here?

Thank you, Mrs. Tolchuk.

We are almost done.

OK.

I'm real sorry about this.

I understand.

But, you know, in some ways, this isn't so bad, huh?

I'm sure you must be more than a little homesick.

And I bet your mom will be so happy to see you.

My parents passed away about a year ago.

I'm so sorry. That must've been awful.

It was.

It is.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): It's funny how

everything you think about a person

can change in an instant.

For all the times my mother referred

to Raja as "that boy," she really didn't see

him as one until right then.

You know, this is just silly.

If there is an insurance problem,

we'll just have to tell that exchange

program that the Tolchuks will cover it.

And if they take issue with that,

they can talk to me or Gary.

That is if you still want to stay.

I would like that very much.

So would I.

[music playing]

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): You know, dinner

that night was one of the best meals we've had in a long time.

We stayed at that table for hours.

No one wanted to be anyplace else.

Raja said it reminded him of home.

I even think Claire's new boyfriend had a good time.

This was a great meal, Mrs. T.

Oh!

Thank you, Jeffrey.

[music playing]

[THEME - PJ OLSSON AND SALMAN AHMAD,

"(WHAT'S SO FUNNY 'BOUT) PEACE, LOVE, AND UNDERSTANDING"]

THEME SONG: What's so funny 'bout

peace, love, and understanding?

Oh.

What's so funny 'bout peace, love, and understanding?

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