Original subtitles

So, the Brovaries have hit a bit of a losing streak

and um, our next game is against

the Toronto Randos 'n Couch Potatoes.

God, what a name.

It's like a mix-matched team of singles and stragglers.

They're the worst team in the league.

But they did beat us...

3-0 last year.

So, we can't let that happen again.

And I've gotta up my game.

And that's why...

I have my first Zoom session

today with reality coach and TikTok star,

Lexi Scottie.

Hi!

Sorry, I'm late. Hi. Sorry I'm late.

- No problem. - Had to call my mom.

You know, just doing business at Turks and Gay-cos.

- Turks and Gay-cos. - Right?

That's-- is that actually an island?

Let's cut to it, okay? I'm really, I'm no nonsense.

I'm no bullshit. Okay?

I have like, a limited number of clients

that I like to work with, and uh...

well, congratulations, you're one of them.

You're in.

Thank you. Thank you.

That should be a text coming in from me.

It's just-- yeah,

just need to get your credit card info real quick.

- Okay. - You wanna be a winner?

Yeah.

So, what if...

your like, favourite team,

this team you love so much, what if it loses?

- Uh... - What happens then?

Then I fail myself and my team.

Aw. Aw that's bad.

Okay, let's make it worse. How bad can it get?

Give me more. - I live alone.

I die alone,

and maybe soon

because I can't get my cholesterol under control.

Fuck yeah. You leave things to last minute.

You don't get things under control, that's shit.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

No one 'cause you're fuckin' dead.

Yeah, you got that dialed-in look.

Take like life and grab that knife, and just-- uh-huh.

What if we said, no, I'm not gonna satisfy

with that white bread life.

Take some mustard, squirt it on.

I want some hot sauce. And just get it on there.

Take a bite of that sammy.

And the more important, than anything else,

the one thing I need you to remember...

- Yup. - Oh shit, that's time.

She's amazing.

Hey.

Today's the day.

They got a big surprise comin' for them.

This girl left her underwear at my house

so I put it on and it's a thong.

Never worn one before and I don't like it.

Then why'd you put it on?

Okay, everybody! Huddle up! Come on!

Okay, listen up.

I have a very exciting surprise to share with you.

Joanne's bringing that super hot life coach in from TikTok.

Thank you for ruining the surprise, Lee.

Oh, sorry.

Okay, this game this week, it's make or break.

If we lose, we have no shot of making the playoffs.

Joanne, we're just playing the Randos.

One of them's on crutches.

Another one's 90 years old, she just had her hip replaced.

- Yeah, and she's dead. - Oh.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah.

Not the point. Not the point.

The point is, we still lost that game.

Oh, my God, don't remind me.

I got tagged out on second by a girl sitting cross-legged

reading Hunger Games.

Okay, anyway, I got us a reality coach

to give us an edge! Okay?

I met her in the Choobies parking lot.

The best burger place in Mississauga.

She's huge on TikTok

and she's gonna be here, with us, today.

To help this team go straight to the playoffs.

Joanne, are you sure she's legit?

Because you do tend to fall for things.

Like, remember the Nigerian princess

that helped you with your website?

Oh yeah, that was brutal.

Well, that woman, who turned out to be a man,

only took $1,000 and he had diabetes.

So... money well spent.

Fair enough.

Ah, there she is!

Oh, wow, that car is screaming success.

You said you found her at Choobies?

Yeah.

What, you think you can judge me 'cause you're a father?

'Cause you got a little baby?

Yeah, be a spectator in life, asshole.

Fuck you! Hey, hey!

Hey!

Good to meet you all.

Thanks for coming.

- Great to see you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah!

Such a tiny person. Ah yeah, hey!

What's this about? Who are these guys?

Oh, uh, that's the release that you signed.

That's the doc crew. - Ah yeah. You got it set up?

You need some distribution?

No, uh, not yet. We're hoping.

You know what? We can put some clips on my platform.

Small affiliate fee. Get ya some buzz.

Guys... this is Lexi.

My coach. For life.

But not a life coach.

Now, y'all wanna win some games?

Yeah, I'm gonna help ya do that.

I'm gonna do some one-on-ones, get to know you.

Over in that weird, little hut you got over there.

- Uh-huh. - Who's up first?

I am!

All right, let's go.

Like the 'stache. This is good. Come with me.

Thanks.

Gonna be fun. Yeah.

They are going to the hut...

Alone?

The hut?

Lee, keep your pants on in the weird hut!

Joanne, I think we should send a chaperone.

No, no, no, no.

He has to be alone. - Scammer.

Okay, Lee, what is the first thing

you think of when you look at me?

Uh...

You did not read that paper. It's 42 pages long.

There's nothing you're gonna say to me

that's gonna make me stay.

All right, I'm ready to be impressed.

Granola bar? It's free.

You know, and your analysis of the four-quadrant solution,

it was excellent.

You ever been laid?

Judging from your defensiveness

and that little glint in your eye,

I'd say that you grew up with brothers.

- How many? - Uh, I would say seven.

- You nailed it. - Come pretty quick?

Is that the noise you make?

Feeling like an outsider on your own team?

I get it. I'd be skeptical of me.

Who's this? Who's this person?

Who's this hottie?

Listen, I get laid three to five times a week.

I get 15% off at the weed shop.

And I got a solid friend rotation.

There's no way Lexi's gonna be able to poke holes

in my life with her self-help slop.

Yeah, I guess it's like my parents make me feel

like a loser more than anyone else.

You don't need to be an academic footnote

in your own life.

Okay. Yeah.

You're gonna need to read my PDF.

It's a how-to, mostly for straight women.

Lots in there you're gonna love. Tips galore.

And they pay you. They don't pay anyone else.

That's gotta feel alienating.

Pushing pushes people away, Joanne.

Wise.

- Yeah. - You!

Your parents can blow me.

And I tell them that all the time.

I'm in it for the kicks, not the cash.

- Thank you. - Not goin' anywhere.

I mean, you're welcome to stay.

I'm cute. Thank you very much.

I just wanted to say thank you.

Uh, I've learned so much about pleasure.

Hey! It's a good PDF, isn't it?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

This is just the beginning, little man.

Oh, I don't have money for any more sessions.

Oh, money not needed. It's covered.

You're doing this for free?

Yeah, sure am.

I'll rephrase. Joanne's not paying you?

I'll rephrase.

I'm here for you

whenever you're ready to have a session with me.

Oh... yeah, I'm good. I don't need whatever this is.

But uh, sorry for interrupting.

Enjoy. - Yeah, sorry.

Anyway, it's like, really hard growing up rich, you know?

Yeah.

Uh, hey. Hey, Jo. - Hey, hey!

Hey, I just uh, wanted to check in.

I was just thinking about you.

Did you get that bed bug situation under control?

'Cause I thought Lexi could help you with that.

Oh, yeah, Lexi. Um, yeah, I just, you know,

needed an exterminator, so it's all good.

Oh, Lexi would be an amazing exterminator.

She can do anything.

Just last week, I was powering through self-help books

trying to like myself again

after Leanne turned my insides into a nuclear waste site.

And um, I was crying in my car in the Choobies parking lot,

just thinking, oh my God, we have to win this game.

And then I met Lexi.

Wow.

Yeah. No, for sure. No, Lexi is so great.

Um, just... Do you know much about her?

Also, is she actually not charging you, like, anything?

No. Hardly anything.

Just last week, she helped me pick out

the most amazing self-tanner.

For free. - Wow.

- Yeah. - That's great.

I did pay for her ear medication, but...

that was my choice.

Okay, before we start this game, team check in.

Let's check in on the progress, okay?

Lee, how are things going with that hot hostess

over at the Public Lass?

Good luck. She turned me down, so.

She actually just viewed my story, so I think I'm in.

Hmm, yeah!

Okay, next up, Boris.

I applied for my dream job

at the hot deli meat counter.

Fingers crossed.

Okay. All right.

Okay, that's good. That's good. Okay. Woo! Slice that meat.

Yes.

Zari!

Yes, I took your advice and I told my thesis professor

that I would not be doing any extra work for her.

- Did you tell her to shove it? - I did not.

- That part was optional. - Thank you.

Okay, Ann.

All right, well, I called my parents, left a message,

told them I am getting myself emancipated!

Yes! And my mom, she calls back, leaves a message

and goes, "Ann, that's for children. You're an adult."

Oh my God, your mother has the worst voice in the world.

Okay, everyone, over here. This is good stuff.

Good stuff. Come on in. Come on in.

I'm proud of all of you. You're all doing great.

Before I give you back to Joanne, your fearless leader,

this little guy over here, you're doing great.

- Thanks so much. - Yeah, really cute.

I do want to throw the focus over to Mel for a second

and say thank you, Mel, for opening up.

Mel got emotional, cried a lot.

It was pretty ugly, but it was really beautiful.

And I just want to thank you for opening your heart.

They said feelings? Out loud?

To you? - To me.

- Wow. - Yeah.

Miracles happen.

Yeah. What we're going to do as a team,

as winners,

is we're gonna make Mel feel more included

because it turns out some of you are jealous.

You know, Mel gets paid. The rest of you don't.

And that creates a little bit of tension.

And frankly, they can feel that tension. So...

Why are you looking at me? I'm not jealous.

Yeah, bullshit, you're the most.

You're right. I am jealous.

Okay, thanks for owning that.

Okay, Mel, what can everyone do to make you feel more included?

So, I was thinking back to my pro days and how we used to

do these weird superstition things to win.

And for instance, like,

I would wear my hat backwards when I came out.

Or if I scored a run, I'd spin in a circle

three times around home plate.

I know it sounds like OCD shit

but I think it could really help with team spirit and, like,

my feelings... or whatever.

Nice! What do you think, team?

Can you do that? - Yeah, absolutely.

- Yeah. - Let's do this.

Let's turn it around for Big Mel, huh?

- Nice. - You look good.

Thanks, Coach.

Okay, now let's go win some games!

Yeah, you're gonna play it, and then you're gonna slay it!

Yeah, just win, just win.

Touch the ball, hit the ball, run!

Go, Zari!

Let's go, baby!

Do the spin! Do the spin! It's good luck! Yes!

Fuck yeah!

Honey, seriously, I'm worried about you.

Like, you're not spending so much money on her.

Did you just say, "Honey"?

Let's go team.

I'm not spending too much money on Lexi.

Whatever that means.

All right, Brovaries, two outs. Look alive! Big D.

Let's go!

Yeah, you got this.

Lexi, you can't leave now!

Lexi, where are you going?

Yes! Yes! We are winning!

And it is a miracle.

I think it is all thanks to Lucky Lexi

and her magic words about how not to be a loser.

Don't you love Lexi?

I love her.

She's like our angel in the outfield.

Oh my God, I'm Joseph Gordon-Levitt,

and Joanne is Danny Glover.

It all makes sense now.

Ann probably thinks she's Matthew McConaughey,

but actually she's-- I'm-I'm getting distracted.

The point is, we are destined to win.

It's fate. Nothing's gonna get in our way.

I don't know who any of those people are, but I agree!

- You're totally a JP. - Let's go win!

Mel, gimme... gimme one of your uh, good luck things.

All I got left are the weird ones.

Yeah, give us the weird ones.

This is not one of my superstition rituals.

Just something I wanted to see them do.

Great energy!

Am I doing it right?

Hey! Hey, Lexi! Hey, Lexi!

Where are you going with all those granola bars, huh?

Where are you going with all of our stuff?

Are you questioning my integrity?

No, I'm not questioning your integrity,

but a lot of people on Reddit seem to be.

They're also saying you're hot, so it's not just me.

Well, you know what I think? I think you're a fraud,

and I'm gonna prove it. - Oh, whoa.

I guess it's like 1692? It's a fucking witch hunt?

I'm outta here. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

God, that bitch!

She eats a lot of Choobies, huh?

Yeah, so does Joanne. I keep telling her to stop, but...

Wait, hold on.

Choobies.

Yo!

Yeah. Okay, tell everybody I'll be back ASAP.

Hopefully with Lexi, okay? - Can you get me a burger too?

If I'm right, I'll get you a whole bag!

We gave up two runs. We got two more innings, okay?

So, we gotta keep the faith. Keep the faith, right?

- Yes, Coach. - Where's Lexi? Where's Lexi?

So, Lexi took off, but don't worry, Sasha's going after her.

She said she's gonna bring back some burgers. Maybe Lexi too.

Burgers are mostly for me though.

- What the hell? - Oh, no.

I paid her for three more hours.

Damn it. God damn it!

Good effort, Ann! Good effort!

- Please cut. - Sorry.

You tried. You tried.

I'm sure she'll be back any minute.

God, she's gone and now we're losing.

Guys, maybe Lexi wasn't the reason we were winning.

Maybe we were the reason we were winning?

No, that's bullshit. She's perfect. She's perfect.

I mean, she did rip some people off online, allegedly.

My intuition's telling me that Sasha's right about Lexi.

My half-chub is telling me that Lexi's hot.

I don't want to hear this right now, Lee.

- Lee... she is a literal angel. - Sorry.

And even angels get wrongfully cancelled sometimes.

You got anything else that could work for us?

I don't know.

Oh wait, there's one where we spin in circles

around home plate while we yell my sweet dead grandma's name,

Cordelia Jones.

- Okay, worth a try. - Yeah, let's go.

Clear out, we gotta do a ritual.

Do you mind? We have a ritual to do.

- How do you say the name? - Cordelia Jones.

Listen, we need Lexi, okay?

Even if she's not real, they think she's real,

which makes her real.

Yeah, I think you might be right.

It'll text Sasha and get an ETA.

Cordelia, Cordelia, Cordelia Jones.

Cordelia, Cordelia, Cordelia Jones.

Oh, I fucking knew I'd find you here.

Number 114, fries and gravy?

You're a fraud, and I'm telling Joanne.

Smile. You're on camera, bitch.

We'll see about that.

Come on, let's talk.

- Oh yeah? - Yeah.

You want to fucking go?

You're a fraud. Reddit was right.

And I'm not just talking about you posing

as some super successful life coach.

First of all, I'm not a life coach, okay?

I'm a reality coach.

There's a big fucking difference, okay?

God, I know your type.

You take advantage of innocent people.

You told Joanne that you were the real deal,

and you're fucking stealing from that poor woman!

- From that poor woman? - Yes!

Do you know how many shoes she owns?

She owns shoes at least fucking five of them, okay?

And they're nice, all right?

And she has a parking spot that she parks a car in.

I, on the other hand, was born poor

to two failed, abusive janitors who made me clean the house

even though they were the janitors.

So, excuse me if I try and make a buck.

My God, you're an elitist snob. - I'm not an elitist.

You're not an elitist. Jimmy, come here. Let's film this.

Look at the elitist snob.

Whoa, I am not. Shut the fuck up. I am not an elitist snob.

I used to play illegal poker games to pay for beauty school.

Oh, illegal poker?

You know where I saw that every day?

- Where? - In prison.

Yeah, prison.

I was there for 12 years and watched them do it every day.

That's fucking ten plus two, bitch.

That's a dozen years in prison.

Well, you've clearly never had your entire life savings

stolen by the person you thought you were gonna marry,

after they cheated on you, and it shows.

So, the trauma Olympics gold is going to me, bitch!

Oh, and now you want the gold for the trauma Olympics?

Look at your fucking hair.

I bet you get to brush it at least three times a day!

Well, good for you, rich girl!

Because I don't even have a comb!

Ugh, you know what? Joanne is a nice fucking person

and she would do anything for her friends so I'm gonna go back

to the game and you go back to where you came from. Okay?

If you have feelings for Joanne, tell her. Don't tell me.

- I don't. - You do, don't you?

Oh, my God, she totally does. She has feelings.

Push 'em down all you want, baby!

Nice.

I think she's doing really well.

I mean, this was like, an effort to kinda see her rage come out.

No, I see good things.

Let's get this over with. Let's finish it.

Guys! Guys, guess what? Guess what I found?

- Did you get the burgers? - Sorry, I forgot.

But I found Lexi. - Is she coming back?

No. Uh, sorry, she's working

her job at the fryer at Choobies fry truck.

- What? - Yeah.

she was lying about everything.

She's literally not a coach of any kind.

She's been frauding people for a long time.

Oh, shit. She just posted a TikTok.

So, the trauma Olympics gold is going to me, bitch!

Oh, now you want the gold for the trauma Olympics?

This is so taken out of context.

Is there a good context for that?

We're fucked.

I can't believe it. I let you down.

It's Nigerian princess all over again.

No!

Doesn't matter.

It wasn't the good luck crap or the superstition stuff.

Winning is in us.

It's in us!

We made that happen!

Doesn't matter what else is going on, we did it!

So, let's get out there like a fricking team

and win this shit.

Or go down trying.

That's right. Come on, hands in, Brovs.

Don't need Lexi! One, two, three, Brovaries!

Let's go! Come on, Coach!

Let's do this! All right.

Um, hey uh, Joanne, look um... I know that I went viral

as "Elitist Hairstylist Snaps on Fry Cook"

but I did it for you.

You deserve better.

Lesbians, make out later!

We've got a game to win.

Yo, B, get a little deeper. This one likes to lift.

You got it, Big Melly.

Let's kick some Rando ass!

Come on! Come on!

- Come on, Zari! - Go, go, go!

Second!

Beauty!

Two more runs and then we win.

Hit a homer, Coach!

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Your daddy don't know ♪

♪ What your mama's gonna do tonight ♪

♪ Said your daddy don't know ♪

♪ What your mama's gonna do tonight ♪

♪ Yeah, your daddy don't know ♪

♪ What your mama's gonna do tonight ♪

Brovaries! Brovaries!

You don't a life coach to help you win

because you are the winner.

Like this one.

Way to stick with it, guys.

Good game.

Uh, Coach?

Yeah.

I feel like getting paid

is getting in the way of feeling like a member of this team.

I think I'm gonna ask Barb not to pay me anymore.

I am their new manager now

and let me tell you, my client, Mel... vin?

Melanie? Melroy? - Just Mel.

Ah. On behalf of their dead grandma, Cordelia Jones,

they would henceforth like you to use that money

to pay for post-game beers at the Public Lass, win or lose.

- But we're gonna win. - Yeah, we are.

- Sure. - 'Cause we have to.

'Cause one more win and...

The playoffs are calling and I'm buying!

I appreciate you.

Let's go!

♪ Playoffs are calling ♪

♪ The playoffs ♪

♪ Are calling ♪

♪ The playoffs ♪

Like, it's really burning.

difuze