Original subtitles

(audience laughing and applauding)

- My favorite joke is about perception, right?

Basically me, my partner, and my best good friend Paul,

Basically me, my partner, and my best good friend Paul,

were in a museum together,

and we went up to this part of the museum that had no signs,

but it just had like a big pile of shoes.

And my partner was like, "Oh God, that's fascinating.

"What do you think it means?" (audience laughing)

And I was like,

well, whenever I see a big pile of shoes,

I immediately start feeling sad,

'cause it makes me think of the Holocaust.

(audience laughing)

'Cause I saw it in a book years ago

and the images stuck with me.

And my best good friend Paul went, "Really?

"Whenever I see a big pile of shoes,

"I just think of a bouncy castle."

(audience laughing)

I love that way of looking at things. (laughing)

Like, Paul, as I said, right,

he's my best good friend,

but he is also my show director, right?

So me and Paul write jokes together.

And since I'm writing jokes of my best friend,

sometimes the jokes get really personal,

and I'll tell them to an audience,

and audiences will look at me and be like, "Are you okay?"

(audience laughing)

But one thing Paul's taught me

is no matter how sad or bleak something is,

if you put half music over it,

people don't tend to think about the bleakness.

They tend to go, "Oh well, it sounds happy,

"so I'll try and look on the bright side."

So here's all my most personal jokes to this.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat jazz music)

Two weeks into lockdown, I thought,

"I'm going to jump out of the window."

Then I realized I couldn't,

'cause I'd already been out twice that day.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

I said to my mom about nearly jumping out of a window

and my mom said, "Oh God, I nearly committed suicide once.

"I nearly hugged myself,

"but I thought I don't want to be seen dead

"for a double chin."

(upbeat music)

So I was on a plane on my way down to a funeral,

and when I was on the plane

I started getting emotional and I was crying.

And this lovely old lady, three people away from me,

went, "Are you all right, son?

"You seem upset, would you like my travel pillows?"

And I just looked over at her

with tears trickling down my cheek,

and I went, "Don't worry, just wait until I sleep

"and put the pillow over my face."

(audience laughing) (upbeat jazz music)

So I started seeing my therapist a few years ago

because my ex was cheating on me

and I wasn't handling being cheated on very well.

I was wanking over it. (audience laughing)

And my therapist went,

"You're masturbating over your insecurity.

"You're so afraid of feeling insecure

"that you're wanking over it."

And I said, "Well, thank God I'm not scared of children."

(audience laughing) (upbeat jazz music)

According to my therapist, when you're in a relationship,

you reenact your childhood.

Had to break it to my partner.

We're gonna be having a threesome with my uncle.

(audience laughing) (upbeat jazz music)

(audience laughing and applauding)

So I was in an airport, and it was Abu Dhabi airport,

and I was on my way out of the airport.

And when I was on my way out,

an Abu Dhabi security guard pointed at me and went,

"You, come here,"

obviously not in my accent, (audience laughing)

in the Abu Dhabi accent.

I'm not going to do (audience laughing)

the Abu Dhabi accent.

Also a difficult impersonation to do,

'cause we don't really know that much about Abu Dhabi,

like, all we tend to know is it's a corrupt regime

and the difference between rich and poor is huge.

So I'll just make him English. (audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

So the Abu Dhabi security guard pointed at me and went,

"You come here, hop along ol' boy, gonna search your bags.

"Don't mind if I do."

And he opened up my suitcase

and he took out a bottle of CBD oil,

CBD oil, if you don't know, part of a marijuana plant,

but it's legal here

because it's not the fun bit of the plant.

But the way they see it in Abu Dhabi is very different.

He went, "Oh dear, drugs?"

And I couldn't deny it was drugs

because the label had a picture of a dog wearing sunglasses.

(audience laughing)

And at this point I'm shitting myself

because we also know about Abu Dhabi, not very lenient.

And the other thing I thought was that, "Oh my god,"

because I felt so embarrassed, 'cause I thought,

"Of all the things to go to jail for

"in Abu Dhabi, CBD oil."

What made it worse, right?

It was vape liquid, so, yeah, so uncool, right?

I smoke e-cigarettes and I think I'm a fanny.

(audience laughing)

I'd rather get 50 years

for having cigarettes on me that were illegal.

'Cause at least it'd be a bit sexy, you know?

I don't think cigarettes are cool, man.

You can shut somebody out of a cigarette.

You can be like, "Hey, have you got a lighter?"

What can you do with an e-cigarette?

"Do you like the smell of custard?"

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

And when the Abu Dhabi security guard

took the bottle of CBD aside, I'm now thinking,

"Uhoh, what else is in my suitcase that's illegal?"

'Cause I know that that's illegal,

I know that I'm illegal. (audience laughing)

It's the first time in my life I've ever been worried

that I packed a twink.

And then you took out PrEP pills, right?

PrEP pills, if you don't know,

a couple of people know what they are, right?

PrEP pills are pills that you can take

that stop you from contracting HIV.

Oh I love telling that to straight people,

(audience laughing)

because they might not say anything,

but you can see it in their eyes, they're going,

"Are you telling me the gaze defeated God?"

(audience laughing)

It is amazing.

You feel so arrogant during sex.

Couple of pills before looking at the ceiling going,

"Yeah, God, your L's isn't gonna work on us anymore.

(audience laughing)

"Sorry, Satan, we'll be late."

All you need to do is you take two pills

one hour before you have sex,

which is a long time to wait in the park,

but we're working on that. (audience laughing)

I mean, it's so weird (laughing)

that people haven't heard about PrEP pills.

Like, it's kind of,

yeah, most gay people know about them now.

But most of my street mates only know

about like HIV stuff from like films like "Philadelphia,"

usually, if you've not seen Philadelphia though,

definitely watch it.

It's fucking brilliant, it's an amazing film.

It's got Tom Hanks in it, so you know it's good.

And yeah, anything with Tom Hanks, I always think,

"Yeah, safe pair of hands there, yeah."

And it's an American courtroom drama,

so you know it's good as well.

'Cause if it's American court it's cool,

if it's British court, it's not cool.

Like, Americans are so much better

at portraying court stuff,

because they make their lawyers seem really cool.

American lawyers can wear cowboy hats, snazzy suits,

going up to the jury, being,

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

"I think we're gonna have to listen to the judge

"on this one, above all though, we gotta listen to Jesus."

Or you can get that young aggressive lawyer being like,

"Hey, your Honor, I object, yeah."

And you did that teeth thing Americans do, yeah.

American teeth are so straight and white,

it's where their mouth was a Brexit voter.

(audience laughing) (audience applauding)

The UK is nothing like American court, right?

Our lawyers, they don't wear cowboy hats,

obviously, they wear wigs, which I don't understand anyway

'cause you're making them look stupid.

Surely if you think,

if you think the person's committed the crime,

make them look stupid.

Surely we should make them wear a wig.

We wouldn't need all this MI5 database stuff,

you know what I mean?

Like, "Oh who's the pedophile in your area,

"oh, the guy in the pink.

"And what about the blue afro, oh that's the terrorist."

(audience laughing)

Much better way of working it.

And our lawyers, they don't wear snazzy suits.

Our lawyers wear gowns,

and they don't even say "Your Honor," right?

They say, "my Lord,"

which makes every crime in UK court

sound as if it was just a wee bit naughty.

(audience laughing)

"Oh my Lord, oh my Lord, he murdered everybody."

(audience laughing)

"I dunno what we're gonna do him, my Lord.

"May I approach the bench?

(audience laughing) (audience applauding)

"My Lord, if I was you, I'd find the defendant sexy,

(audience laughing)

"sentencing to 10 minutes inside me.

(audience laughing)

"Don't worry, you only serve five,

(audience laughing) (audience applauding)

"especially for bad behavior." (laughing)

(audience laughing)

I was like, "Why are you taking my PrEP pills?"

And the Abu Dhabi security guard was like,

"Oh, well, HIV is illegal in Abu Dhabi."

And I said, first of all,

I'm thinking HIV is illegal in Abu Dhabi,

I'm like, "Who's smuggling AIDS?"

If there's one thing he just wouldn't hide up your bum.

(audience laughing)

And when he put my PrEP pills aside, right,

I'm thinking, "Oh is there anything else in my suitcase?"

He didn't look for the rest of it, he just went,

go into that room over there.

So I went into the room, over there.

(audience laughing)

And it was a big long room

with lots of different cubicles in it,

but none of the cubicles had toilets in them,

just hand prints on the wall. (audience laughing)

You had exactly the same perception I had at that moment.

If you go into a room

and those painted hand prints on the wall,

there's only two places you can be, either bum search area

or a nursery. (audience laughing)

Thank you for laughing at that joke,

I generally get really nervous whenever I tell that joke,

because the first time I say that joke out loud

was to my partner and his reaction was,

"What kind of fucked up nursery did you go to?"

(audience laughing)

But we've all had the same experience, right?

A nursery, you put your hand in the paint

and then you put it on the wall, right?

Okay, cool, I'm not mental, good, okay, cool.

(audience laughing)

I don't know, maybe it's 'cause he's posh, he's like,

"Oh no, we didn't do that in my nursery,

"no we did watercolor, it was fantastic."

(audience laughing)

You can probably tell the difference of our accents,

'cause I come from Scotland and he comes from money.

(audience laughing) (audience applauding)

Because I'll try way too hard on dates

that I'll do stupid voices to try and make them laugh

and I'll be like, "Hey, wanna go back to my house,

"we're coming with the frog, it'd be really hard."

"Oh yeah, oh and Miss Piggy, you'd be there as well."

"Oh, miss Piggy will be there, she goes raa, which is hard.

"Do you know the muffin man?" (audience laughing)

On a date though, a guy told me

he was a massive "Lord of the Rings" fan, right?

And when he told me that, I was like,

"Hmm, I'll save Gollum for desserts."

(audience laughing)

And when he said, "Larry, I've gotta go and get my taxi,"

instead of going, "Oh, before you go and get your taxi,

"if you love "Lord of the Rings,"

"you'll probably love Gollum, like Smeagol."

And instead of doing that though,

'cause that would've been quite cringey,

I panicked he was leaving,

so I grabbed his hand

and led him to his taxi as Gollum.

(audience laughing)

So the last thing he can remember of me,

because he blocked me straight after this happened,

was me going, "Come with me, Master.

"Stupid, fat hob, he needs to go to the taxi.

"Oh, but no, we don't want master to leave us.

"Precious master, don't abandon your Sméagol!"

(audience laughing)

And halfway through doing it,

I looked up at him and I thought,

"No he's not finding this funny at all."

(audience laughing) (audience applauding)

I thought it was gonna be weirder

if I stop halfway through, too much of a change,

"Master, please don't leave, no."

"Nice meeting you, man, let's do this again sometime.

(audience laughing)

It's all right, alright, man.

No, I'm sorry, no worries at all, you go pee.

(audience laughing)

"Master, please don't leave, no, no, master, please!

(audience applauding) (audience laughing)

"Stupid fat hobbit. (audience laughing)

"Go to the bathroom in order to use the ring."

(audience laughing)

Double meaning on the word ring.

(audience laughing)

Some things I'll do gigs, right?

And I've done quite a few,

which they will not be able to comprehend

that a gay relationship can have the same dynamic

as a straight one.

They'll be like, "What, a man and a man

"being the same as a man and a woman.

"No, no, which one stays in the kitchen all day."

(audience laughing)

Few of those gigs, right?

Spring to mind, but one in particular, right?

'Cause it was, at the time,

probably the worst gig I'd ever done.

It was about seven years ago.

But it ended up being the best gig I've ever done, right?

Because I lost all my confidence after it,

and I was gonna give up comedy and my agent was like,

"Before you give up comedy,

"why don't you speak to that nice Irish director

"loads of people use."

And that's how I met my best good friend Paul,

'cause he started directing my shows,

and then we became best friends from there.

So weirdly, I'm really happy I did a horrendous gig,

'cause I got my best friend out of it.

But it was a gig in Halifax in Northern England land,

and it was a British Legion gig.

(audience laughing)

Good, you could all book comedy better

than the person that booked for that gig.

(audience laughing)

I have no idea why they thought

I would be a good shout for that one, right?

And I was on stage and I was going alright.

And then I started talking about my boyfriend at the time.

But I didn't even say any,

it was just kind of relationships jokes.

It wasn't anything particularly bummy.

(audience laughing)

And immediately they stopped laughing

and just didn't make any noise,

almost like I got a, "Oh I better not laugh,

'cause if I laugh,

"people are gonna start thinking I'm gay as well."

(audience laughing)

So since he wasn't laughing,

I thought, "I'll have to change my tactic here."

And I pointed that guy in the front row and went,

"You are right, mate, what's your name?" He went, "Mike."

And I went, "Hi, Mike, what do you do?"

And he goes, I'm in the navy. (audience laughing)

And when he said that, I'm thinking,

"I better not say the joke I was gonna say originally

"after that, I'll try and move away from it."

It was almost like a comedian equivalent

of "The Floor is Lava!" (audience laughing)

It's got so many traps around.

And I was like, "Wow, Mike, that's a really interesting job.

"What made you get into that?"

And he goes, "Well, my dad was in the navy,"

and I was like, "Oh great, cool.

"And what did your other dad work as?"

(audience laughing)

I go fuck all that night.

The only laugh was the gremlin

in my brain going. (screeching)

After the gig, right, me and the female act left, right?

There was a female act on as well.

She didn't have a good gig, it has to be the same thing,

if people don't like women, they don't like gay men.

You know what I mean?

You know, homophobia, I always think

is there's a lot of it that is actually just camperphobia.

It's a fear of femininity,

it is like, because you never ever see a homophobe

that's a feminist, you know what I mean?

You never go, "Oh I can't stand gay people,

"but women should be treated with respect."

(audience laughing)

So I waited for her, we walked out after the show,

and then Mike was waiting for us

to give us some feedback, right?

And Mike came up to me afterwards and he was,

he went up to me and he was like,

"Oh he was little, that's why I'm doing that."

(audience laughing)

And he was like, "Listen, mate,"

And he did, you know that thing right?

(audience laughing)

Overcompensation of masculine energy

for them in their neck area just like,

"Why does nobody take my opinion seriously?

"People just keep throwing bread at me."

(audience laughing)

Like, "Listen, mate, I don't man the gays."

And I'm thinking, "Yeah, of course you don't,

"wear your head, Bob, and you'd be welcome in my community."

(audience laughing)

He goes, "But why do you have to tell us

"that you're gay, mate.

"Why are you telling us that you gay, it's fucking boring?"

And it was basically along those lines,

'cause boring was repeated about four or five times, right?

And I was thinking,

I'm not enjoying this conversation in particular,

and it's not like I'm ever gonna change this guy's mind.

So I thought, "You know what, I'll just scare him."

(audience laughing)

And I was like, "We shouldn't, right?

"We've all got a face switch we can do."

And that's what I did on him, right?

I went, "Listen, mate,

"I'm not telling you that I'm gay, I'm warning you."

(audience laughing) (audience applauding)

Feedback was over pretty pronto at that point.

And you probably had the same thing

happen yourself though, right?

You know when you are brave in the moment

and then afterwards you start getting scared.

So that's what happened, right?

I was brave enough at the time

and then afterwards I was ruminating about what he'd said

and I was thinking, "Oh maybe I am boring, maybe I am chad."

And that's when I started losing all my confidence.

But as I say, that's when I gotta meet

my best good friend Paul.

So it's a really good thing that it happened.

Also, the thing is,

I dunno if you work with your best friend,

the problem is with working with any friend

is you don't tend to get much work done.

Like, me and Paul will start writing jokes together,

and then one of us will do like a "Simpsons" quote,

and the rest of the day is "Simpsons" quotes to each other.

And that's like one of our n-jokes.

Like, we always put "Simpsons" references

in my shows that he's directed, all of them.

And we always put little "Simpsons" jokes,

and even if the audience don't find them funny,

but it's because we have to listen to the show back

and we get to go "Hmm-hmm, that's all."

(audience laughing)

Tom Hanks jokes as well,

'cause we both love Tom Hanks, 'cause we're both human.

(audience laughing)

I know it's really weird

telling people about n-jokes with your friends,

'cause usually when you tell someone an n-joke

of you and your friends have,

they kinda look at you like, "Yeah, yeah, whatever."

But in-jokes are the best type of jokes, right?

Because in-jokes are the only type of joke

that you can have with someone and they're special for you.

And also they help build a friendship

or a relationship with that person,

and even comedians, right?

No matter how experienced the comedian, how funny they are,

they can never do as good an in-joke

that you can have with your best friend.

And I find that really wield, right?

Also, comedians try and do it right?

One example of a comedian trying to do an in-joke

is a thing called a callback, right?

If you don't know what a callback is,

basically what a comedian will do

is they'll mention something earlier in the show,

and then later call back to it with a joke.

And you guys, the audience, right?

And that's what we call you in the business plan.

(audience laughing)

Are supposed to hear this in-joke and be like,

"Oh, oh my lord."

(audience laughing)

Yeah, me and Paul

have actually always wanted to do a call forward. (laughing)

It's the opposite of a callback, right?

So the funny bit comes first but there's no meaning for it.

And then later you give it some context

just so people get to go,

"Why did you make life difficult for yourself?"

No, it's pointless. (chuckling)

It's just because of perception and changing,

it's quite fun, but yeah, I know it's weird of me

telling about me and my best friend's in-jokes,

but I think the only time it's easy

to tell someone an in-joke is when it's a nickname,

'cause that's set up like a joke,

'cause you get to go,

"This person's this, called this because of this."

So it's like set up punchline.

I've got nicknames myself.

My nickname is Larry,

'cause my real name is actually Lawrence.

(audience laughing)

Yeah, I know. (laughing)

I didn't want to call myself Lawrence Dean

'cause I didn't want people knowing I was gay

before I got on the stage. (audience laughing)

And I say this to my pals, right?

And my pals were like, "Oh, cool."

I know they all call me Gary, short for 'Gay Larry.'

(audience laughing)

It is not the best nickname though, right?

My group of mates, right?

One of them is called Rachel,

and Rachel's nickname is doorbell

'cause she's got no knockers. (audience laughing)

But that's the kinda banter you have with your friends.

If you love your friends you can slag them off a bit

and they don't mind

'cause they know your intentions are good.

Me and my partner, we don't do nicknames.

No, no, we just do arguments. (audience laughing)

You were busting, that's all right, man, that's okay.

Don't worry, we've all got bladders and stuff.

You feel much better, oh that's good.

You can relax, no that's good.

But you've not relaxed before, did I make you nervous?

Did I really make you nervous?

(audience laughing)

There's nothing to be nervous about, honestly, man,

there's a what, there's it, all the magic.

Oh, you fucking dick, you got me.

(audience laughing) (audience applauding)

One of the arguments we had

was 'cause I farted when we were in bed, right?

And before you think I'm a monster,

when I was farting I had the cover up,

I put the cover up,

scooch my bum out the side of the bed, right?

I could have farted out the window or something,

but I'm not allowed near them anymore.

(audience laughing)

And when I was farting, I was wafting it away, right?

And he went, "Larry."

You know that kind of Glasgow,

when there's someone's from Glasgow,

for some reason, they don't really have muscles or bones.

(audience laughing)

"No, I can't go to Morrison today, it's too windy."

(audience laughing)

"Larry, are you farting?" (laughing)

He did that whenever he was giving instructions,

and I actually bought my boyfriend Viagra for Christmas

just to stiffen his wrist. (audience laughing)

"Larry, are you farting over there?"

I was like, "But don't worry about it,

"it's not under the covers."

"No, Larry, that's disgusting.

"If you are going to fart, fart in the corner over there."

I was like, "Are you mantel?"

Can any of you imagine anything more terrifying

than waking up in the middle of the night

and just seeing your partner (audience laughing)

just standing in the corner.

(audience laughing)

Farting and staring at you?

"I'm doing this because of how much I love you, darling."

You'd have to face them, right?

You couldn't do it that way, I mean.

(audience laughing)

It's like the scene from "The Blair Witch Project."

Definitely have to face.

I think the only problem with facing though

is that years later that corner of the room

would look like a smoker's wallpaper.

(audience laughing)

Actually, you've never been as attracted to my partner

as I'm now, and oh, thank you,

'cause we broke up six months ago, now he's unattainable.

"Oh, you don't like me anymore, oh, you're my favorite."

(audience laughing)

But it's for the best, right, it's for the best.

It is for the best, and he loves the freezer.

(audience laughing)

Breakups are weird, right?

'Cause there's that moment that you have to realize what,

'cause after a breakup

you have so many things you're thinking

and you're feeling and all that stuff.

And then after a while you get to go,

"Oh, it was for the best," you know what I mean?

And it doesn't necessarily mean for all breakups,

but this one was,

'cause my brain and my heart were having an argument,

'cause my brain was like,

"Okay, guys, we've had a breakup.

"We need to figure out where we went wrong

"and what was their fault, what was our fault?

"And we just learned from this,

"'cause we've gotta keep ourselves safe now, guys, yeah."

And my heart was like, "Oh, my god, whatever. (sobbing)

"I'm broken again."

And my dick overhear this conversation.

(audience laughing)

And every man's dick,

no matter what his confidence level is, is a gangster.

(audience laughing)

"Hey, balls, come listen to this shit.

(audience laughing)

"I overheard the brain talking to the heart.

"Apparently they're gonna break up on the go, come on.

"I know what means when we've gotta break up.

"That means their ex-boyfriend

"is now having sex with other people.

"That sounds hot! (audience laughing)

"Is there any questions?"

(audience applauding)

Thank you, I'm going to talk about cuckolding now

and I'm gonna make you guys watch.

(audience laughing)

Cuckolding, if you don't know,

I can see people looking at me going,

"Uhoh, I better not laugh, 'cause if I'll laugh,

"people are gonna start thinking I cuckold as well."

(audience laughing)

Alright, cuckolding, if you don't know,

is when you find it hot watching your partner

having sex with somebody else.

It's quite an odd psychological thing,

'cause you're literally watching

the worst-case scenario panel out in front of you,

and your response is just to wank.

(audience laughing)

It is quite a common theme for my life

if I'm completely honest. (audience laughing)

It's usually what I spend the first five minutes

of a funeral in the toilet. (audience laughing)

But it's is true, right?

It's such a weird thing, right?

People might be judging me and you shouldn't actually,

it's actually really common, right?

I know none of you know what cuckolding is,

but it's really common, right?

Get this statistic,

I swear this is a hundred percent true, right?

Cuckolding is actually the number one Google search

on my laptop. (audience laughing)

But I'm seeing a therapist about it.

And yeah, well, she's blunt.

She's like, "You know what your problem is?

"You're not feeling your feelings,

"you're just feeling insecurity,

"and you're masturbating to cover up the insecurity."

I'm like, "Yeah, what's wrong with that?

"Everybody wins!" (audience laughing)

She's saying that I'm basically avoiding my real feelings

and I'm disassociating.

I think disassociation is great, right?

Because first of all you can either wank

or you can like joke about feelings,

that's what I usually do.

She was like, "No, no joking about your feelings, Larry.

"You've gotta feel them."

And she's Northern Irish, by the way,

I know it's not a great Northern Irish accent,

and it's just weird having a Northern Irish therapist.

'cause I'm having to tell a Northern Irish person

about my troubles. (audience laughing)

But the thing is, see, when it comes

to doing jokes about your feelings, it gets frowned upon.

But I think jokes are great,

because see, you can actually learn a lot about someone

by the jokes they tell.

Like, you can actually learn from jokes as well,

like, when you look at a joke closely,

'cause me and Paul will write jokes together

about personal stuff,

and I'm like, "Hey, I get to have a laugh about it.

"And so do the audience, and they get to go,

"'Oh yeah, I do that as well actually, yeah, yeah, yeah.'"

And I say this to my therapist

and she's now starting telling me jokes

because I find it easier to understand that I joke

than I do my actual feelings,

and I'm learning a lot from it.

She told me this Belter right?

You can always tell

your dog loves you more than your partner,

'cause if you put your dog and your partner

in the boot of a car together,

leave them overnight, open the boot in the morning.

Which one of them is happier to see you?

(audience laughing)

When I heard that, my brain was going, "That's a funny joke.

"We need to remember that, guys, that's great."

And my heart was going, "Woof, woof."

(audience laughing)

I was gonna go away on holiday for the breakup.

I'm not fanny of a friend.

You know the one that's like, "Oh, I don't need Tim anymore.

"What I need is to pack my bags and go over

"and rediscover myself on top of a mountain

"and then come back to Glasgow with no money

"and all the exact same problems

"waiting for me when I get home."

'Cause I wanted to go to America, right?

That's where I went on my last breakup, I went to America,

'cause with a Scottish accent, they make you feel special.

I was in California

and I went to do Pilates every day, right,

'cause I wanted to get fit.

And the second day I got there to the Pilate studio,

the lady behind the reception came out to me, physically,

and she was like, (audience laughing)

she was like, "Hey, Larry, thanks for coming in again today.

"Oh, five minutes early, second day in a row, good job!

"I have a query."

And I was like,

"You're not allowed to call me that anymore."

(audience laughing)

She was like, "I have a query.

"The ladies in the class before you

"heard that there's a Scottish guy coming in again today,

"and they've freaked out.

"Would you mind saying hi to them?

"They're an older generation

"and they've never met someone from Scotland before.

"They're actually so excited

"to miss the Bastille people's home just to say hi."

And my head and my heart

are having another argument at this point,

because my heart is going,

"Oh my god, old people, I love old people."

And my brain is going, "Fuck, (audience laughing)

"I've got to represent Scotland here."

(audience laughing)

I don't think I'm the Scotland that these people are after.

(audience laughing)

They don't want trained spot in Scotland.

They want Groundskeeper Willie Scotland.

So I went, "Oh yeah, I'd love to meet these ladies," right?

And the lady behind was just like,

"Oh my God, that's so exciting,

"okay, okay, well, just wait there.

"I'm gonna go grab my camera, thanks."

And she just glided out the way,

and I just saw like eight old ladies waiting to talk to me,

and I went, "Hello?" (audience laughing)

Like, it's like a sim, like shnoo, shnoo!

(audience laughing)

And when I say, "Hello," right, they all turned into,

like, you know in "Toy Story," the wee green aliens,

'cause when I says, "Hello,"

they all went, "Oh,

"stranger from the outside, tell us about your planet."

Oh yeah, by the way, when I say Groundskeeper Willie,

Groundskeeper Willie's my favorite Simpson's character

and "Toy Story" with the wee green aliens,

"Toy Story" is my favorite Tom Hanks film.

I'm just letting you know where all the in-jokes are.

(audience laughing) (audience applauding)

So my therapist was like, "Don't go to America."

I was like, "Fuck, what do I do?"

She's like, "Work on yourself."

I know I'm making her sound more aggressive than she is,

but my therapist gets proper angry with me.

Like, she genuinely hit herself in the head

'cause I was not sticking to her topic

and not feeling my feelings.

She went, "For god sake, Larry,

"stick to one story at a time."

And I went, "Did you just set yourself in the head?"

She went,

"I only hit myself 'cause I'm not allowed to hit you."

(audience laughing)

And she has got a point, to be fair,

I do that a lot, may be able to tell.

So anyway, so when I was in Abu Dhabi,

(audience laughing)

sorry, I get easily distracted.

I've got ADHD,

I was diagnosed this year via Facebook status.

It's the ADHD or OCD, maybe I'm just dyslexic.

All I know is I've got a free laptop.

(audience laughing)

Although actually, the thing with ADHD is my ex said to me

that he thought I should get an autism test.

I know, I was like, "An autism test."

He was like, "No, I'm gonna get two autism tests

"'cause I like even numbers, remember?"

(audience laughing)

Those are people who are getting diagnosed now with autism

and ADHD and stuff.

Well, usually it's via TikTok,

'cause, have you not seen these videos?

There's videos on TikTok of people dancing

next to symptoms of serious conditions,

and you have to decide if you've got it, right?

And it's 60 seconds, and the symptoms are very vague.

Do you find it difficult to concentrate

when doing boring tasks? (upbeat music)

Have you watched your favorite film more than once?

Do you hate Mondays?

You've got liver failure.

(audience laughing) (audience applauding)

It could be ADHD,

it could be autism as well, I don't know,

maybe I don't think I'm autistic.

I just really wanna fuck a train, what's the big deal?

(audience laughing)

That's a joke. (laughing)

You already know as well from what I've already told you,

I wouldn't want to a train,

I'd want to watch a train fuck my boyfriend.

(audience laughing)

Okay, right, okay, I'll continue.

And sorry, my community's affliction

and the ADHD community, not the LGBT community,

fucking I'm riddled, right? (audience laughing)

"Oh, what are you, Larry?"

Oh, I'm ADHD LGBT, so I identify as an eye exam.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

And when it comes to the ADHD thing as well, I don't know,

maybe it's because they think the stuff I've got to,

basically, okay, I'm making this all up as I go along.

That's why I come across, I got ADHD, I'm thinking, right?

I'm not even Scottish, I'm not gay either.

(audience laughing)

Farting in the corner, I've never done that.

I live in a lighthouse. (audience laughing)

'Cause a lighthouse is round, right?

(audience laughing)

Okay, so I was in the Abu Dhabi security belt, right?

And I had my hands up on the hand prints,

and this was a moment I probably was disassociating,

because I remember, obviously, being in that situation,

I was looking at my hand print and I was thinking,

"Okay, if they go up my bum here,

"what I'll do is I'll lower one of my hands slowly

"and I'll just think the scene in Titanic."

(audience laughing)

And I was really nervous about this bum search, right?

Because I thought of all the bum searches I could ever get,

this would be the most painful one,

because it's an Abu Dhabi bum search,

'cause they've got terrible women's rights,

terrible gay rights.

They'll have the worst lube in the world.

(audience laughing)

They wouldn't have anal lube, I mean that's for sure.

If you ever heard of anal lube, highly recommend it.

It's amazing, right? (audience laughing)

Honestly, anal lube is so good.

I'm convinced if I slathered my car in anal lube,

I could park it in my cupboard.

(audience laughing)

And I'm there waiting for this bum search

just looking at one hand, and I'm thinking,

"Oh, just look at the hand, look at the hand."

And they just patted me down,

they didn't even lower my trousers.

So I should have known

there wasn't really gonna be a bum search

if they didn't lower my trousers.

They just patted me all the way down.

And when they patted me down, they said,

"Please turn around, sir."

And I turned around and the Abu Dhabi security guard said,

"Right, that's a search over,

"go into the office and sit down and don't say a word."

So I went to the office

and I sat down and didn't say a word.

(audience laughing)

And two security guards then came into the office

and sat at the other side of a desk,

and I'm at the other side on this kind of long couch thing,

and they started typing stuff out on the computer, right?

I did say something at this point

'cause I needed to know what was going on.

And I went, "What's happening here?"

And the security guard looked at me

and then went back to writing out what he was putting,

and I'm thinking, "Fuck, I'm going to jail here."

They can't even say it to me, this is gonna be terrible.

And I thought,

"Well, I need to let people know that I'm here."

And I thought, "I've got a few options here."

Either I could text my boyfriend at the time,

he might know a good lawyer,

or I could text Paul and he'll make me laugh.

Or I could text my mom and dad

and they'll get really stressed.

So I text Paul, (audience laughing)

'cause I thought, "I just want to have a laugh,

"and that's the best option in order to have a laugh."

So I text Paul and I said,

"Hey, man, I'm in Abu Dhabi airport at the moment.

"I've been detained by the police for smuggling drugs.

"And two security guards nearly went up my bum."

Paul replied with, "I hope you repaid the favor."

(audience laughing)

And I said, "I don't think I could handle two at once."

And then Paul sent me a picture of,

there's a bit in "The Simpsons"

when Homer gets his hand stuck in two vending machines.

(audience laughing)

So I'm looking at my phone and I'm laughing my head off.

I must have looked like the most arrogant prisoner

these security guards have ever seen me

just being like, "Yeah, yeah, whatever."

Yeah, 20, 30 years, whatever, this meme is worth it.

(audience laughing)

And you probably know what the end of this story is, right?

Because I'm obviously not in Abu Dhabi prison at the moment.

They let me go, right?

Hope none of you are sitting there going,

"Oh, I wonder if he gets killed at the end."

(audience laughing)

He goes, "Oh apparently he goes to jail

"in Abu Dhabi for 40 years

"and he comes back and finishes the show later."

But they basically, what's it called?

I had to sign a thing, right?

But it was all in Arabic

so I didn't know what I was signing.

But the security guards went,

"Sir, if you sign that you can leave."

And I was like, "Leave, love that word."

And I signed, I signed my name,

and he said, "Oh, so we need your fingerprints."

I put my fingerprint, my thumbprint down as well.

And I gave them that, and I found out off people later

of what I had signed was an omission of guilt.

So basically I've admitted to smuggling drugs into Abu Dhabi

and my punishment is I'm no longer allowed

to smuggle drugs into Abu Dhabi.

(audience laughing)

Their law system is very fair, to be honest.

I don't think I'll be going back anytime soon.

I'm gonna go to Qatar or somewhere nicer like that.

(audience laughing)

But the same thing happened to me after that story, right?

'Cause I was freaking out at points,

but I was brave enough, right?

I wasn't completely freaked out.

But then after that happened,

weeks later I started ruminating about it again.

And I hated that story 'cause I was thinking,

"Oh God, when if that happens again,

"when if I get arrested

"or what my life could be completely changed

"or it'll be over."

And I just started freaking out about it more,

and I hated the story, fucking despised it.

And now my perception's changed again, right?

'Cause I love the story, it's one of my favorites,

because last year my best good friend Paul died

and thank, you know, it's a weird thing.

If you ever have death close to you,

the only thing control you get over it

is you just try and remember absolutely everything,

'cause you're like,

"I need all these memories so I'll never forget them."

And that story doesn't feel like,

"Oh, that was me scared in Abu Dhabi.

"I could have gone to jail for 30 years,"

and now just feels like,

oh there's another example of my best good friend Paul

making me piss myself laughing

despite the unlikely subject it was surrounding.

And that's such a weird thing, right?

Because obviously you try and control it a bit

by remembering things,

but everyone always says to you, they always go,

"Your perception changes when somebody dies."

And it's like it doesn't change about,

it changes about things but it doesn't change about them,

'cause like Paul's still my best good friend.

And just because he is not gonna see me do gigs on stage,

we're not gonna write jokes together anymore.

It doesn't mean I'm not gonna do the in-jokes

because I like doing the in-jokes

because it makes me go,

"Ah, he'd have found that funny," or "He'd have like that."

And see when someone gives you confidence,

like, that was something he was amazing at doing.

If you've got someone in your life,

by the way, that gives you confidence,

fucking hold onto them for dear life

because people that give you confidence are so rare.

(audience applauding)

Such a real gig, man.

Like, I think a lot of people want to be good at it.

I think we should all aspire to be good

at giving other people confidence.

But fucking hell, like, it's a rare thing.

And the only thing you can ever do in return

for that person that gives you that

is try and make them proud.

And I was so worried by the way, right?

I was so worried, I let Paul down,

I arrived at Paul's funeral with my suitcase in one hand,

my tear soak travel pillow I got from that lovely old lady.

(audience laughing)

And just before the funeral started,

Paul's brother said to me,

"Are you still okay to do the eulogy?"

I had no idea

I was supposed to do the eulogy, right?

And I was already feeling uncomfortable at this point

'cause I hate people talking to me when I'm on the toilet.

(audience laughing)

And I said to him, I said, "I can't do it," right?

Because it was the one time in my life

I was actually feeling my feelings at the moment, right?

Because, joking aside, right,

I couldn't obviously wank about what was happening.

(audience laughing) But also I couldn't do my usual thing.

I couldn't joke about it

because jokes felt really lonely without my best friend

to laugh at them with me.

So I said to his brother, I said,

"I'm so sorry I can't do it."

And I'm thinking,

"What would I have done if I had done the eulogy?"

I thought I probably would've talked

about the time I was in Abu Dhabi.

And Paul managed to make me laugh

despite that scenario I was in

or about how I nearly gave up comedy

and Paul was the one who stopped me from doing it,

and he did his amazing gift

of giving someone else confidence.

Or I would've told him about the time

I was in the museum with Paul

and we saw the big pile of shoes.

(audience laughing)

And my perception was so dark.

But Paul's was, so typically Paul,

of he managed to see something funny

and something really lovely and beautiful.

And that's if I had months to prepare at, by the way,

not if had five minutes, thank you.

(audience cheering and applauding)

Thank you so much, guys.

Thank you, guys.

I mean that's if I had months to prepare the eulogy, right?

Five minutes notice, I think I would've gone on

and done an in-joke

and made everybody feel even more uncomfortable.

(audience laughing)

But like, oh it's terrible.

Paul died at such young age.

He never got to live out his dream

of becoming a shrimp boat captain.

(audience laughing)

Paul's funeral was genuinely the saddest

but the funniest funeral I could ever imagine going to.

Because Paul organized it himself, right?

'Cause Paul knew he was dying, he had all the symptoms,

he was watching his favorite film more than once and,

(audience laughing)

hated Mondays as well, man couldn't stand it.

But when Paul's coffin

was about to go into the cremation chamber,

everyone's bawling their eyes out crying, right?

But Paul got them to play "Disco Inferno."

(audience laughing)

So the whole room went from crying their eyes out

to laughing their head off.

And I'm sad there

in one of the bleakest situations I've ever been in,

listening to "Disco Inferno," and I thought,

"Huh, isn't it weird how happy music

"can cover up a really sad situation."

(audience laughing and applauding)

Thank you very much.

Thank you, and that meant that me and Paul

finally got to write a call forward together.

Thank you so much. (audience applauding)

People do come up to me afterwards and they go,

"Are you okay?"

And the one thing I've learned this year more than anything

is I've got to be the one that looks for the bouncy castle.

Folks, one more thing before I go,

if that's all right, thank you.

(audience cheering and applauding)

Folks, you've been absolute lovely.

And I wanna say that I'm Larry Dean and that is Paul Byrne.

(audience cheering and applauding)

(guitar music)

♪ Give me your calloused hands ♪

♪ And we'll dip into the sand ♪

♪ Forget this year even began ♪

♪ Open your tired eyes ♪

♪ And let down your cold disguise ♪

♪ I'll give you my only advice ♪

♪ Cause the world's still twirling on ♪

♪ But the old songs are playing along ♪

♪ And when you hear my voice ♪

♪ You know you still have a choice ♪

♪ Cause when the world went dark ♪

♪ Though it has never been the same ♪

♪ I learned to never sigh when I see the rain ♪

♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh ♪

♪ Oh life's a funny thing ♪

♪ The way it dips and swings ♪

♪ And marches in time ♪