Original subtitles

You're home.

Great deed.

I mean, there you are. You're standing right in front of me.

Hi, Nina.

Hello, Dee Dee.

How was your day?

Very pleasant, in a grim sort of way.

So how are things around here?

Oh, did that, uh... What's his name, that strange bald lawyer call?

How about Douglas? Did he reconfirm for this afternoon?

No, no call.

Well, if he ever does call me here, it's fine to give him the number in the car,

not the lawyer.

Oh.

He represents Murky, the artist that I'm showing next month.

Douglas already has the number, which means he must still be coming since he

didn't call.

Well, yeah.

So?

What?

Oh, how were things around here you were about to say?

Gardner came.

And how is Mr. Lee?

He cleared out that underbrush where you asked about.

Good. He did the deep root fertilization, too.

I paid all the bills. The checks are on your desk. All you have to do is sign

them. And I bought some haddock from the fishermen this morning. I made a curry

sauce to go with it. All you have to do is pop it in the oven and off the

directions.

And you'd like to go home now?

Go.

Oh, uh, Mr. Lee said he won't be back again for three weeks. He has to go to

Taiwan. I think he was trying to tell me some family thing. No doubt.

He wanted to know if you wanted his nephew to come back the next two weeks.

Uh, you said yes, I hope.

You're a good little wife, Dee Dee. Every woman should have one.

Hmm.

Can I help you?

Hi.

Yes? I'm Fitch.

Fitch.

Fitch?

I'm here for your appointment.

Where's Douglas?

Didn't he call you?

Said he was going to.

He said he would call you.

To tell me what?

Couldn't make it.

Douglas. That's what he said.

So.

Where should we set up, Nina?

Well, wait, wait, wait, just a minute.

We're usually this way, but where is he, do you know?

Who?

Douglas.

Didn't come up?

I don't understand.

My assistant confirmed the appointment.

Listen, the thing is, I'm really very accustomed to working with... The

sun also rises.

I liked it.

Well, you see I'm very accustomed to working with him Douglas and and thing

is that I like him I really like him and Well, it takes time at least for a

woman, you know It really takes time to feel comfortable really comfortable with

a man who you know, he's got the touch

without even picking up a phone or... Douglas, when you have a

relationship with someone, a business relationship, we go back, he and I, you

expect some consideration.

He seemed to be in a rush.

He's very young.

He's not so terribly young.

No, not so young, but he is young, younger than he thinks he is.

Besides, he could have not called either one of us.

He's very talented.

He is. Good-looking kid, too.

Women seem to go for him.

A lot of his clients are women.

Most, really.

Outside's nice.

Especially if you have some privacy, and you have some privacy.

Douglas does me outside.

It's a bit cold out here right now.

Well, what would you suggest?

Some dark and quiet place.

I was in such a hurry getting over here.

I've got my oils and things.

As for towels and sheets, I'll need some.

All right.

I left some stuff in the car.

i'm fascinated with things that is i'm fascinated with the fascination with

things this is my bedroom i thought it might be

my mother

had a spectacular jewelry collection as i recall i wanted to wash up

when i happened to walk by thanks

Well, I wanted to wash up.

What massage is about in the end is healing.

There are ways to heal people without words or prayers or drugs.

That's it.

That's the essence.

I never really gave it much thought.

Healing.

Massage, in those terms.

Try not to over-intellectualize those.

Makes life so great.

I'm more intuitive, I think.

How old are you?

Why do you ask?

I don't know. Why not ask?

I mean, you never learn anything if you don't ask, right?

Older than you.

The laying on of hands is power.

But in our culture, there are so many Western prejudices against illness and

healing.

We're really pretty tight-arsed, medically speaking.

You just think about it.

When was the last time your doctor really touched you?

I don't mean probed or examined you.

But touched you.

Well, if it never happened, it was too recent.

I don't like doctors.

That's because they consult you.

They talk with you over the phone.

They prescribe drugs.

But they don't personally heal you. They leave that to time or to chemistry.

I don't like doctors because I don't like doctors.

You've known Doug how long?

Not long.

Long enough to like him?

How long does that take?

It goes back.

To the ancients, you know.

What's that?

Massage.

Maybe even earlier, some historians think.

The Greeks were mainly into massage as a treatment, a healing aid.

They have records of people like Socrates and Plato being massaged daily,

and Plato lived to 104.

Socrates did not.

But the Romans, being who they were,

essentially Italians without the loafers, were the first to come up with

the idea of massage as a form of foreplay.

Courtesans became quite good at it.

Became part of the transaction, finally.

Well, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to make the connection.

Massage is sexual.

Very sexual.

Can be. Doesn't have to be.

Shouldn't always be.

I wasn't talking about a sweating, screaming, orgasmic epiphany. It's just

that you're lying there naked. Someone's touching you in places you sure wouldn't

let your father touch you, and it's arousing.

Um... This is my desk.

It's a form of communication.

You just have to make sure you're both speaking the same language.

Looks like you're ready to get started.

We've already started.

What do you mean?

Well, most of any massage worth having takes place in the head, and I'm sure

you've been preparing.

Why? You in a hurry?

No.

Funny little thing, eh?

Maybe you'd like some music.

What happened to that music you were playing before you turned it off?

Find something.

I'd say we're ready.

So what are we working on, Nina?

Any complaints, maladies?

Any part of the body needs special attention?

A fight that starts with my hairline and ends with my toes.

It's my job, you know.

You were gonna say something about how tense I am.

Douglas is always telling me...

How much tension I have. Especially in my upper back and shoulders.

It's all because of my job.

I have

a gallery.

A couple of them, actually.

One here in town, off Melrose.

One in New York.

Rebecca?

Anyway, what is your business, your baby?

You know what they say about responsibility falling on your

shoulders. It's best not to talk too much.

Was I talking too much?

Well, it's your massage. You can do anything you like.

You really should try to relax.

You can't keep going all the time.

Or is that what the people at work do?

People I work with, relaxation is limited to what they can purchase in a

vial.

See, it's working already.

Angels keep their ancient places Turn but a stone and start a wing Tis ye,

tis your estranged faces That miss the many-splendored thing

How

long have you been doing massage, bitch?

Almost 20 years on and off.

As I walked out on the streets of Laredo I

went down to the St.

James infirmary

Interesting work.

I'm sure you meet all kinds of people.

Gives you a lot of freedom, too, I bet.

I mean, it's so portable.

Have table, will travel.

I travel a lot in my work.

Too much, I'm starting to think.

Because it just depends how badly you want what you want.

Do you like art?

You seem like the sort of person who does.

And what sort of person is that?

I don't know.

What do you mean?

It's just that I didn't know there was a type, that's all. But maybe you know

better about that than I do.

Okay, not a type, but I like art.

Artists.

They hide themselves inside their work.

So to really understand the work, you have to get to know the artist.

Well, do you enjoy art?

Who would you consider to be the great artist of the century?

How do you mean?

Well, who are the five greatest?

Or four?

Or three?

I'm really not in that business.

Would you say Picasso?

Would he be one?

Or Chagall?

I don't think you can quantify artistic achievement.

Or maybe Braque or Klee?

What's your point, Fitch?

What were you saying?

You started to say something, then you just stopped.

Bitch?

Bitch?

Bitch?

What are you doing?

This is just me now. This is just my opinion, but so much of what passes for

art today, contemporary art, is without any kind of reference point, moral,

historic, nothing. It's not about anything.

I disagree completely.

Modern art is critical. That's what makes it modern.

What are those?

I don't know.

I found them in the trunk of my car.

About 400 gauss potency, perfect for those hard-to-treat areas.

Now, you really must visit my gallery.

A very interesting installation going in next month, I think you should see.

What's that?

It's a history of women's fashion as a form of bondage.

Come see it, you'll enjoy it.

It has a point of view.

Ironic, satiric.

Point of view?

Exactly.

Well, I'll tell you.

And this is why so much of art today is so pointless, that what we, us, our

society suffers from is a kind of bankruptcy of spirit.

Well, I'm sure people have said something like that as long as there

have been people around to say it. Yeah, except this time it's true. I'm sure

they said that too.

If you're talking about today, the way we live, It's fear. That's what defines

us.

Is this yours?

Fear of change.

Fear of the future.

Technology changing things faster than people can take it in. Turns us into

strangers. Everyone.

That's why people create the art they create.

Bad faith.

What is?

Blaming someone else.

Something else. Technology.

As though we had no responsibility over ourselves, our actions.

So what would you suggest?

I suggest we look inward, all of us.

For starters.

And then I suggest we look outward.

Then do we all sit around cross-legged, humming like gnats?

We could, we might.

Why not?

Or else we could just go out and kill all the gallery owners.

What do you think of it?

What do you show?

What do I show?

Do you have any family, Fitch?

Wife? Children?

Mother? Father?

Gone now, they've been dead a while.

I have a sister back in Sydney.

I try to stay close to my family.

It's important, don't you think?

My sister's in Boston.

My brother's in Georgia somewhere.

My parents are retired in Florida, but we work at it.

It's important, don't you think?

I think so.

Family's staying close.

What makes you think that?

Think what?

A bankruptcy of spirit.

Is that really what we're about?

Call it what you like. The essence of it is that we have lost our way.

As a civilization, spiritually I'm saying, I've been around and the one

thing I've learned is we don't know what we don't know.

My work I suppose has a spiritual side to it.

Each artist is unique.

Each has individual needs.

What do I show?

People like me don't show anywhere.

I'm not in fashion.

Of course, there is a little matter of compensation.

People understand that when they come to me.

Usually that's why they come to me.

Artists are rarely as concerned with the idea of their earning a living as

everyone else seems to be.

Oh, Nina.

What's this?

It's a shiatsu thumb for when I get tired.

So what's the spiritual side to your way?

This is not too hard for you, is it, Nina?

Why do you ask?

I had aspirations.

Artistic aspirations.

Except I saw myself up on stage somewhere as a performer.

Only the problem was I couldn't sing or dance.

I could audition.

You see, my gift is I know how to sell.

So I sold myself.

And in rehearsal, come to think of it, I was okay.

Passable.

But I have seen you in anything.

No.

Lucky man.

So how'd the gallery business get you?

Same way most people end up doing what they do.

Fell in love with the wrong man.

Artist.

Artist. Art dealer, art critic.

It was all artistic things to all artistic people.

Now, kneel up. Head this in.

And what happened to him?

I like what I do.

Where I've ended up.

Who I am.

I get enormous satisfaction from it.

You happy, Fitch?

Happy.

Well, you said you've done all this traveling around I was just wondering

that made you happy

Maybe

a better person Sure, I suppose that happy the most people if that's what

it's about There's more to happiness and just being happy

Meaning what?

Well, to most people, culture, civilizations, the idea of happiness is

not some trivial thing.

It's not a good job or a new car in the drive.

It's something else entirely.

Something spiritual.

The Hopi Indians believed that the body of a person and the earth formed in the

same way.

along an axis.

Now for you and me, this axis is our

spine or our backbone.

And along this axis are various centers of force.

It's a force.

They're all very important, these different centers of the body.

The brain, the throat, the solar

plexus.

The most important of all is the heart.

Follow its sincere purpose, the Hopis say, and you are of one heart.

Allow evil thoughts to enter, and you are of two hearts.

The Tibetans and Hindus believed in an almost identical series of centers in

the body.

The most interesting part is how the Hopi medicine man takes these centers of

force and treats someone.

You see, he can tell what's wrong with just his hands.

He can feel the vibrations in each center and find in which one life runs

strongest or weakest.

Sometimes what's wrong is what you'd call illness.

But other times, it comes from outside.

Drawn by our own evil thoughts and those of a two-heart.

What's this?

Mushroom tea.

It'll cleanse you.

And that way, you can see the source of the trouble and the hope, you say.

The actual face of the two-heart who's causing it.

Tell me you've got a crystal in that bag of yours.

No. I guess I could stand to know the two hearts causing me my pain. Works,

though, this kind of healing.

Modern medicine, and any science when you think about it, is a belief system.

A religion like any other religion.

Medicine works because we believe it will work.

You know, sometimes it just works.

And a lot of times it doesn't.

And the medicine man uses his crystals.

This is the teaching crystal.

This is the shaman's crystal.

He looks through it at each of the centers.

They understand themselves.

The Hopis.

I like clergymen even less than I like doctors.

That's because you worship at the Temple of Art, which is a whole lot like the

Temple of Science when you get down to it.

Your god is a jealous god, the most jealous god of all.

The god of reason.

Oh, what do you suggest? That I convert?

Become a Hopi mystic?

Can you do that, by the way?

Convert to another race?

The point I was making really is that without realizing it, we've given up one

form of mysticism for another more socially acceptable form of mysticism.

Now, I don't know about you, but I've never seen a black hole or a quark. They

may exist, they may not.

Personally, I have no way of knowing.

What I do know is...

That I've seen Hopis walk away healed by a medicine man using no more than a pair

of hands and a few crystals.

Christ, you're patronizing.

All I'm saying is that we, everyone, have replaced the system of belief

with the system of disbelief.

And that it's found its way into everything we do and think. We've lost

our capacity for wonder.

And this is the insidious part.

No one even knows it's happened.

Except for you.

They understand themselves, the Hopis.

I just got it.

What do you think?

Doesn't matter what I think.

Oh, what do you mean it doesn't matter what you think? I want your opinion.

There's only one reason to do art.

It needs to be done.

He did it.

So why discuss it?

Oh, come on.

I just wanted to know what you think.

Where have you been, Fitch, in your travels?

Well, places that I can sometimes remember.

For example?

Well, wherever the spirit takes me. Far East, Africa, a year with the Aborigines

in Australia.

Sort of massaged your way from one end of the world to the other, huh?

I envy that.

What, travelling the world?

Having no responsibilities.

No responsibilities?

Just the opposite, I think.

Why did you come here tonight?

Why wouldn't I?

Far East, Africa, Aborigines.

I'm not your style.

Doug asked me to.

He said you were different.

Did he?

I like him.

He said of all the people he knew, you were the one who was most... What?

Adrift.

Adrift? That was the word.

Why would he say that?

Doug's got the touch.

And what do you suppose that means, adrift? I mean, what does that mean?

Your heart, your spirit, you're searching.

How would he know? He's a kid.

Not as much of a kid as he thinks he is. Turn over.

All my life, it's been the same thing.

Men refusing to see me for what I am.

Projecting their idea of who I should be on me instead.

Now, even the guy who does my massages wants me to be something I'm not.

And what's that?

A tormented, career-obsessed woman.

I mean, why not take a little risk and actually get to know someone on a more

complex level?

I really thought more of Douglas.

I know he's your friend, but I really thought more of him.

So is it a risk?

What?

Complexity.

Just now you said he wouldn't risk knowing you on a more complex level, so

is complexity dangerous?

Isn't it?

Well, you said it was.

Well, it is. Getting to know someone is always a risk.

In what way?

In every way.

In every conceivable way

I'm

not sure I get it

I find myself thinking about you all the time.

Is that a bad thing?

That's what I was gonna ask you.

Hmm.

Is everything in your life always so complicated?

No.

Just the important things.

Intimacy, whether it's emotional or intellectual or sexual, I think it can

be very threatening.

Threatening or a risk?

Semantics? Christ.

No, I'm just trying to understand you. You said Doug didn't.

So I'm trying to.

Lay down.

That's what these are for.

Colors draw things out of you, even in silence.

It's a fundamental difference between men and women.

What is?

The degree of intimacy they're willing to open themselves up to.

I mean any relationship, not just a romantic, sexual one.

And you base that on?

How did this happen? Back up. Turn slowly one way. I thought I came here to

sketch you.

What?

Well, I'm not sure there is this huge difference.

I haven't seen it anyway.

Are you trying to get a rise out of me?

Does it sound like that? I didn't mean it to.

It's this old thing we used to debate.

Of what drives a man after sex.

I mean, is it nature or nurture that makes him want to run for the door while

a woman would lie there forever?

And that's the difference? The etiquette of sex with a stranger?

I never said anything about strangers.

Well as much as a man might be tempted, I don't think he's gonna bolt for the

door the minute he's had sex with his wife Obviously you don't know the same

man I do That's good now turn slow this better be good

Show it to me What a

man wants is an illusion

Of what a woman is.

What a man and a woman are together.

Any less of an illusion, your idea?

What's that?

That all men are alike.

I'm exactly the same as Doug, Doug's exactly the same as... All men are

alike.

In certain fundamental respects.

I speak from experience.

Two bad marriages, count them, before I was 27.

There are some variations, but they don't amount to much.

Except for...

I

want you to sit for me.

I want you to see yourself as I see you.

Except for what?

Nothing.

You really don't have to bother with that, you know.

What's that?

The towel, covering up.

I'm afraid I'm not very modest.

I actually prefer it with nothing on.

That's how Doug always does it.

Hey, but Doug can get away with it.

Get away with it how?

Being gay.

Gay? Doug.

You knew he was gay?

Of course.

You said you did.

Yeah, sure.

He's usually very upfront about it.

Very upfront.

That's how he and I met.

He thought I was gay.

Well, actually, a friend of his I worked on, he thought I was gay.

You're not?

No.

But Doug thinks everybody's gay.

It's part of his charm.

I think he's bisexual in some half-assed way.

Nevertheless.

What?

Still. How?

The towel.

If you're ever interested in something a little different, you might like to try

shiatsu.

It's all about stimulating energies in different parts of the body.

No oil used at all.

Skin rarely touches skin.

You're getting pretty good at this.

You better be careful or you'll spoil me.

And if I do?

Well, you're the one who's gonna have to live with the consequences.

I'll risk it.

I tried it once.

Tell me about your family, Fitch.

My family?

Your family now gone.

There's not much to tell.

What was your father?

Executive.

Ad man.

My father's family had money.

My mother's side, too. Not a lot, but money.

Comfortable would be how they'd describe themselves.

We used to do things like dress for dinner on a Saturday night. Sounds like

fun.

Sometimes we'd have guests.

Someone from my father's agency, some client, his wife.

But usually it was just the family.

My parents, my sister and me.

It's funny.

Talking about roles.

My parents had these roles which they seemed to inhabit.

You can get up now.

My father, the shrewd businessman.

My mother, the thoughtful patron of the arts.

Which, as it turned out, was a kind of fiction.

How?

Well, it was all the same to her. Classical music, classical art.

Didn't matter who or what it was, it was all lovely.

The woman, and I've almost come to admire this about her over the years,

didn't have a critical bone in her body.

She was the type of person they created public television for.

One night, it was one of these Saturday night deals and there was a very

important client coming.

All the men were supposed to wear black tie.

About ten minutes before the guests were to arrive, I came downstairs dressed,

ready.

My father took one look at me and let's say he wasn't pleased.

Why?

It was my bow tie.

He said that by wearing one of those clip-on bow ties, I was humiliating him

beyond humiliation.

He said that a real gentleman ties his own tie.

You look like a busboy.

That's nice.

You were how old?

Seventeen.

But he wasn't ranting, you have to understand. Never.

What did you do?

I pulled the tie apart.

What do you mean?

Well, it wasn't a clip-on, you see.

It was one of your standard J-press bow ties.

I'd tied it so well, I'd done it so perfectly, that it looked too good.

What did he do then?

He told me to retire.

Retire?

that's it that's it no apologies or and

you weren't angry no on your side not at all wasn't about anger

what was it about

responsibilities

expectations my mother my father they were trapped

trapped by their responsibilities to things that they never thought twice

about, trapped by their own expectations of themselves.

I don't know anyone who doesn't feel some sort of ambivalence toward their

parents.

They are who they are.

You are who they are.

But then again, you're not.

I wasn't ambivalent about them. Not at all. I liked them.

I totally accepted who they were.

Maybe even more than I did.

Angels keep their ancient places turned but a stone and start a wing.

What is that?

I don't know. It's just this poem I once read.

It's funny how I just remembered it.

They're the same. Did you know that? Those two songs?

Streets of Laredo and St. James and Fernway?

Really?

It started out as the same song, and then just over the years, one in

different places.

See? Out of one place, a lot of different things become.

With my family, my parents, it was more what?

Being invisible, I guess.

My father was an engineer, and he used to invent all these things that you'd

never see.

Things that went inside these huge industrial machines to make them run

faster, smoother, safer.

But he never owned any of his inventions.

His company did.

So he never made any real money to speak of.

And the things he created went inside other things, so no one outside that

company even knew who he was.

He just did his thing.

Maybe he liked it that way.

Maybe he didn't want any recognition.

Everyone wants recognition.

The Hopis have a word for it.

Pinu'u, it means I am I.

With my mother, it was pretty much the same thing.

She had one of the only acceptable jobs a woman had in those days.

A nurse, and a good one.

But like most other nurses, she was completely ignored.

Totally stepped on by every doctor she ever worked with.

Used to break my heart to see it.

Two people like that.

As gifted as they were, as caring.

I swore I wouldn't live that way.

Which is what led me to Andy, I suppose.

He was on the faculty of the art department at the college I was going

to.

For someone like me, small town girl, 18, anonymous, it was liberation.

Took three years, but we finally did it.

I got married.

My parents weren't very pleased.

How long were you married?

Good question. Let's see.

Two, three weeks anyway.

What happened?

Well, as popular as my husband was on campus, he was revered south of the

border.

And hard as it is to believe today, I didn't have a clue.

Hey, where are you going?

I was 18, 19, 20. I was a child.

Eager for attention.

Andy was charming, but the truth is he wasn't very smart.

He made one too many trips through customs.

I guess I should be grateful it wasn't on our honeymoon.

Yeah, I did it for attention, sure.

Which can't be said about my second husband, because I took my parents'

advice after that.

Settled down with a decent, honorable, hard-working boy.

It was like a four-year nap.

They were mistakes.

But you learned from them.

Not really.

Well, maybe.

I did decide that the only men you should ever seriously consider marrying

are those who already are.

For the most part, they've had some experience on it.

Let's take a break.

Heat, like a hot bath, can sometimes stimulate or relax.

This is a kind of Japanese acupuncture where we use heat instead of needles.

And we put it on here.

And we put it on here for nervous tension.

How about you?

How about me what?

Marry?

No.

Never?

Never.

Close?

Maybe, I suppose so.

Depends how close you mean.

A serious relationship.

A meaningful relationship.

You've had one of those, I would hope.

I would hope so.

But nothing that stirred the old conjugal instinct.

An instinct, is that what it is?

The desire to mate, sure.

The desire to mate is not the desire to marry.

No, I suppose not.

No more than standing in a firing squad is the same as standing in front of a

firing squad.

Right.

What's getting married about anyway? Two people swept up in some out-of-control,

delusive kind of passion, swearing to God they're going to stay that way for

the rest of their lives.

Oh, they are romantic.

For me, what comes out of an experience isn't nearly so interesting as the

experience itself.

How many people know passion? I mean, really know it?

Who was she?

How'd you meet her?

I was running from myself and she wasn't.

Some people from the moment they're born know what their destiny is. They live

with it.

It's as much a part of them

as the color of their eyes.

Is it on?

It's on.

Don't look.

I went down to St.

James Infirmary to see my baby there.

She was stretched out on a long white table.

So cold so pale so fair But it makes them a little old

too Because they understand understand what

everything

You're

rich It's not your fault that's why you're here

Because you can afford to run away from your problems.

So what happened to her?

People drift apart.

Not always.

More often than not.

You get to a point of knowing a person, then you start asking what's left.

Or maybe you just think you've gotten to that point.

Well, that's what I've found.

At some point, you just realize there are not going to be any more surprises.

Just decide what it is you want me to do.

Just decide and tell me.

And you like surprises?

Or is it variety?

I don't.

I don't like surprises. I don't like variety.

Variety is some guy in a leather jockstrap who's just had his nipples

pierced.

Don't think I haven't dated them.

Guess I shouldn't blame people for what they think of me no more than I blame

myself

Seeing

something for the first time looking at you.

What's that?

Empty room

The locked door.

So much of what people do is just invention anyway.

Inventing themselves.

Inventing their friendships.

Is that what you did?

Invent yourself?

Didn't you?

Poor little rich boy run off to join the Indians You know the

most dangerous thing in the world is to think you've got time to play it safe

So

what it seems like

It's what it is.

Where do you show?

Where do I show?

We're alike, I guess, you and me.

You know nothing about me.

Don't I?

Not a thing.

I know self-indulgence is not self-fulfillment.

At least I don't go hiding behind things.

Yes, you do.

In the worst possible way. You hide behind your soul, behind all this ooga

-booga bullshit.

Am I really an empty room?

Yes.

Even now.

Is this how Doug does it?

Excuse me?

Maybe the whole thing's a question of perception.

What is?

Well, it's not the way people see you that's the problem. It's the way you see

them seeing you.

How do you mean?

Like Doug, he said you were... Well, the word he used was adrift.

But he never said whether you were single or not single. He never said

anything at all, beyond the initial observation, that is.

I'm not sure I follow you.

You like things, nice things.

I do.

And you have nice things, lots of them.

A few.

But you feel like a failure.

Did I say that?

Don't you?

You're gonna pull out your crystals and tell me I'm of two hearts?

No. What I believe is not oogie-boogie bullshit.

It comes from first-hand experience.

There are people who have lots of possessions and they are made miserable

by them.

And there are people who live in refrigerator crates who would trade

places in a second.

I buy things. I admit it.

But I'm not a materialist, not really, because to me, things are things. They

mean nothing.

That's not true.

They carry memories. That's what makes them meaningful, as a link to people.

All I know is I usually end up just frustrated by the conspicuous

consumption, angry even.

That's because you think that whatever you're buying is going to make you

younger or happier or sexier.

I see what you're doing, you know.

Trying to convince me how miserable I am. And am I succeeding?

No, you're just pissing me off. And why is that?

Because unlike you, I wasn't given anything.

And I'm not talking about money, not just.

Everything I own, everything I have, I earned in one way or another.

So don't tell me I'm wrong. Don't tell me I'm immoral because I chose to make

something of my life and you didn't. I mean, shouldn't a man your age be

something? I know you've made something of your life. I'm just asking you.

what that is no you're not not anymore

you want to know what the difference is between you and me

really the difference is you've spent so much time completely rationalizing your

life that you actually believe it you're a very lonely man fitch you let him

touch you who

You expect him to touch you.

Expect who to?

That's what it's about, isn't it, Doug and you? It's about sex, isn't it?

I don't know.

Did he say something to you, Douglas?

Christ.

That obvious, huh?

I know it doesn't mean anything to him.

He's very discreet.

It's not like he does anything more than touch me.

It's about as safe as sex gets these days.

I try to be too discreet.

I never talk about it.

Just pretend it's part of the massage.

Which it is.

All relationships are a form of currency. I've come to the unfortunate

conclusion.

I'm using you just like you're using me, using you, using me, and on and on it

goes.

The money part, it's at least honest.

Hi, this is Nina. At the sound of the tone, the voice you hear will be your

own.

Hey, Nina, you there?

Hey, it's me, Douglas.

You got an answer?

Listen, sorry about the switch, but something came up. And actually, I was

just kind of calling to see if Fitch made it by there. Look, I know you

really like him. He's a really decent guy.

And I don't know, maybe he's already been there and left.

So anyway, I will see you same time next week. Okay, same place. All right.

Ciao, Bella.

Bye-bye.

Thanks. Are you mad?

Don't be upset.

You're tense. Don't be tense.

Well, I can't say this is the most relaxing massage I've ever had.

But it's the best.

I wasn't being totally honest.

About what?

Men.

Men and me As much as I choose not to believe it the truth is I've been

involved with a lot of them always more of the same sorry to say

At the middle of last year

This man suddenly came into my life or I guess if I was being totally honest with

myself I Came into his

An artist.

You have to understand, in my world, so much is done for effect.

And here was someone who did nothing for effect.

He was who he was.

No apologies.

He treated me well.

Very well, better than I treated him.

And all he expected in return was for me to be me.

Even now.

Especially now.

Some strange way you're pretending.

Liking my work, being involved with me, and wanting to go to bed with me right

now and everything.

But you couldn't give yourself up.

it's been a long time long time since my various husbands blew through my life

but still too much stuff

you don't want to admit how much people affect you but they do

maybe you should maybe that's the key

admitting just how much they are with you still.

We are alike, aren't we, Fitch?

Miss, you okay?

Miss? Miss?

Shit.

Roger, we're about two miles south of Culver Branch here on Route 4.

We're going to be heading down Highway 48. We've got one fatality female

transporting to a county hospital.

Over.

I came to a place not long ago.

It was a lonely place.

An empty place with no hope and I thought, no way out.

It's a place I could have been lost in forever.

But slowly I began to understand something.

That I allowed myself to stay in that place.

And it was up to me to get myself out.

And so I chose hope.

I chose belief.

God has to be all things to all people.

To be anything less would be less than perfect.

Human.

What we believe in isn't nearly so important as believing in something.

But you can't wait too long or you may find yourself believing in nothing.

How do you feel?

Good.

Very good.

Was it 100 that I owed you?

Did I say that?

No, that's what Dennis charges me.

I'll make it 50 then.

Take it.

Honestly. Take it.

75 then.

All right, 75 with a $25 tip.

You do like getting your own way, don't you?

What's that?

It's something we're all looking for.

And that would be? Information.

About you.

About me and you.

Now, I want you to think about not dropping it. And that's all I want you

to think about.

Not dropping it.

Concentrate, try hard, and by the time I count to ten, it'll fall from your hand

and you'll have no power over controlling it.

One, two, three, four, five.

Keep it.

Where did you learn that?

Saw it in a movie once.

I gotta be going.

I'd like you to come back next week.

I'm flattered.

I'm serious.

Same day?

What about Doug?

What about him?

Well, I don't like taking his gig away.

Douglas is young.

So?

So he'll find someone to replace me with.

Women like him.

That's what you said.

Well, it's not as though I don't want to come back.

Do you?

Yes.

Then I'll talk to him.

I'll explain the situation.

If it's that big a problem, I'll have you both come. Just not at the same

time.

Been nice meeting you.

I hope I wasn't too, um... What?

Confrontational.

Of course you were.

I've got to be off.

Is it on?

It's on.

Okay, don't look.

I went down to St.

James Infirmary To see my baby there

She was stretched out on a long white table

So cold, so pale, so fair

Let her go, let her go, God bless her.

Wherever she may be, she can search the whole

wide world all over.

She'll never find a man as sweet as me.