Original subtitles

Don't move!

Don't move!

Show me your hands! Show them to me!

I'll blow your freaking head off!

Don't believe me? Test me!

Test me!

What the hell was that?

What? What are you talking about?

That's my intimidating-to-get-the-guy-to-comply

voice. Test me!

Test me and you're spitting everywhere? You got the crazy eyes? You sound like a

deranged lunatic.

Yeah, yeah, I want the guy to think I'm crazy. You know, like a loose cannon.

You know, that's how Ali beat Liston. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. See, Ali convinced

Liston that Ali was crazy.

It's a well-known fact that tough guys are afraid of crazy people.

That's stupid. I'll show you how it's done.

It's not worth it, pal.

Why don't you do yourself a favor and drop the gun?

And we'll all walk out of here nice and easy.

Did you wink at the gay?

Maybe. And what's with the whisper? Are you here to arrest him or to turn him

on? Because quite frankly, you're turning me on.

No, no, no. I mean, are you here to kiss him or to cuff him?

I'm trying to show I'm in control, like the strong, silent type like Clint

Eastwood. Clint Eastwood? Clint Eastwood's sexy and alluring. Uh, I'm

sexy and alluring. That was my nickname in high school, sexy and alluring.

You sure it wasn't crying in bed weddings?

Hey, hey, what are you two guys still doing here?

We're holding jobs.

Get on patrol.

You know what? Last week, we forgot about it. Before we do anything else,

beginning of our tour, we need to buy lottery tickets. It's like 400 million

tonight. I don't want to miss it. Yeah, I'm kind of tired of playing the

lottery.

What? You never win. You're tired?

You're tired?

Are you tired of possibly buying mansions? Are you tired of possibly

buying yachts? Are you tired of having fresh baked pies brought to you by

beautiful women?

That's what you do with the money?

Yeah. That's right. I'm not ashamed of fresh-baked pies and my love of fresh

-baked pies. Matter of fact, I would get fresh-baked pies brought to me by

beautiful women wearing aprons that say, I love to bake pie.

I love pies so much, I would get a pie-shaped swimming pool just to piss

you off, and you couldn't swim in it. Okay, first off, that's a circle, okay?

A lot of swimming pools are circles, okay? But that's just a pizza. $400

million? That's all you're going to put it into is pies?

No, no, no. I mean, I'd buy stores or something. You know what? Those lingerie

shops make a lot of money. I'd buy Victoria's Secrets.

You know what? I always tell you this. It's not Victoria's Secrets. It's

Victoria's Secret. There's only one secret. It's not multiple secrets.

Well, I would travel, too.

Like to where? Well, I would go someplace exotic, like Rome or Italy.

That's the same place. That's the same place. Good. I'm saving money. They're

in the same spot. That's fantastic.

Forget about me. What would you do, big shot, with your hat? I have a plan.

Yeah? What's your plan? I would buy a circus and bring it back to prominence.

You see?

That's the difference between you and me, Murphy. I think things through. I

use my brain. You don't think things through.

You ever have any idea what it's like to run a circus?

I don't know. What's the problem? What's the problem? Elephant poop is this big.

You gotta clean that up. It's the size of bowling balls.

Plus, what if you get into a fight with a clown? Now you gotta fire a clown?

They're spooky people, you know. I don't trust those clowns. I wouldn't just be

on the management side. I'd be part of the show. I'd be talent.

What talent? What talent do you got in a circus?

I'd be like a lion tamer or something.

Please, need I remind you you're allergic to cats? So I take an allergy

pill and then I go every night. You know, it's fine.

Cats don't like you. Are you crazy? Cats love me. No, they don't. Find a cat

right now. I'll make it do something. Find a cat right now. I got a text.

One of our CIs has some information for us. Meet me at the regular spot.

Don't you get in the car, punk.

Taylor, cuff him.

And toss him, too. He's probably got a weapon on him.

It's punks like you that give this city a bad name. There's not enough Lysol in

all of Midtown to get your dirty sense off the streets. You make me sick to my

stomach!

What

the

hell was that?

I am so sorry. I read this book on method acting. I thought if I really got

into it, I'd make it look more real and no one would know you're a criminal

informant working for us. I might have gone too far. Oh, you think? It's trash

like you that give this city a bad name? There isn't enough Lysol in Midtown to

clean the stench off your dirty deeds?

I told him to stop watching Hill Street Blues.

Eh, the reruns still hold up. It's just hurtful.

Informants have feelings, too.

Nah, for real, though, I appreciate the ride, fellas. Oh, come on, man, you're a

good guy. You're just a hard-working, stiff, tight-of-seam crime in his

neighborhood. Yeah, I mean, we wish there were more people like you. It's

very courageous what you're doing.

Besides, we don't look at you as an informant. I mean, you're actually a

friend.

Thanks, man. Y'all all right.

Y'all all right. Whoa, whoa, whoa. All right. Just all right? Just all right.

You're not just all right. You're all right. We're pouring our hearts out

here, giving you compliments. We go from here to here with just all right.

Yeah, we're hugging and kissing. Now you're getting all fresh.

Jesus Christ. It is a compliment.

This is good,

soothing music.

Tell you what, though. Nobody beats the best good old Bing.

Bing Crosby? Bing Crosby, my friend. That's right. I used to love his crooner

voice. Me too.

Me too.

What?

What? I mean, what? You made a sound. We said we loved Bing Crosby. You made a

sound, and you rolled your eyes. No, I didn't. Yeah, you did. I didn't do any

of that. You did. We said we loved Bing Crosby. You made a sound, and you rolled

your eyes. I didn't. You so did. Yeah, you did. I heard it, too. See?

Yeah, you did. I heard you. You made a... It was a slight phlegmy sound, like

you were clearing your throat because you had hair in your mouth, like... That

was even harsher than that, like you was licking sand off the floor, like...

Okay, none of that happened. You know, besides, why don't you stay out of it?

You're just an informant getting a ride. Oh, a minute ago, I'm a friend. Now I'm

just... Just an informant getting a ride. Okay, I'll be honest. I'm not a

fan. Why not?

First off, okay, his name is Bing. He's a grown man. His name is Bing.

That's the way they did it in them days. They went out to Hollywood. They gave

him a nickname. You know, Bing. He's, you know... Besides, the guy's a legend.

He's an American I-clone. Wait, what?

What the hell is an I-clone?

You know, an I-clone.

You mean I-con?

That's what I said, I-con.

You said I-clone. No, I think I said I-clone. You said I-clone. I think I

said I-con. I think I know what I said. Yeah, you said I-clone.

Whose side are you on anyway? You know what? Why don't you just sit back there

and stick to ratting people out? Oh, you know what? I should have took an Uber.

You know, besides, I heard he used to beat his kids.

What? Mm-hmm. Not only that, he did it with a bag of oranges so it didn't leave

a mark.

Mm-hmm. I could hurt somebody with a bag of oranges. It could hurt. I could see

if you put a whole lot of oranges in a bag. It ain't gonna hurt me with a bag

of oranges. You put those navel oranges in a bag, it's gonna really hurt him.

What kind of sense does that make?

Hurt what? A little kid? It's not gonna hurt me. You ain't that tough, Buzzy. I

hit you with a bag of oranges, you're gonna be hurt. You ain't never heard a

heavyweight boxer say, damn, Tyson hits like a bag of oranges. You're so tough.

You're so tough. You know what? Here, let's prove it right now. Pull over

here. There's a fruit stand.

Let's try it. Yeah, that's a good idea. We're gonna do a little test. That's a

good idea.

Let's put your money where your mouth is. Exactly.

I think I read it psychologically today that the temper has to do with how hard

you hit somebody.

Yeah, he's not trying to knock them out. He's just trying to punch them. Yeah, I

mean, he's got to be disciplined.

He ain't going to knock anybody out with a fruit. You don't want to knock them

out. He's his dad. Just trying to discipline the kid to teach him how to

bat. Okay, discipline.

Discipline me with this.

Yeah, right.

This is just like a tangerine or a clementine or something. No.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, Murph, Murph, Murph. This is what we got to use.

You ain't using a banana on me. You ain't using a banana on me. Don't be a

baby. It's just a fruit. You're a fruit.

Let's keep it in the Citrus family. Yeah.

Okay, I got him. Now, who's paying for this? Hey, throw some money down. Come

on. Don't be a degenerate. You know, you're the cheapest.

I'm not cheap. We're just frugal. All right, come on. Let's see. Let's see.

Yeah, here.

I'm a big prog me right now.

You're a tough guy, right? Yeah, yeah.

We can take it.

You can take it. I'm going to tell you.

Hey,

brother.

Wait, stop, don't go. I'm not done loving you.

But a rumor, and I'm hoping it's not true.

Oh, baby, change your mind. Why can't you see?

You can't take a brother out with vitamin C.

Okay, all right. Maybe we need extra oranges. We need a little bit more. All

right, how about this? Only two. Here's three each. Give me a karate man on the

inside. You want to be a tough guy? You want to be almost?

Uh-oh.

I had to send these boys, can't leave them bastards.

A lot of dudes, just some undercover actress.

I don't fall for it. I'm privy to all your tactics.

That was two sacked oranges, two police officers.

Now, that is all the information that we have at this moment. But as soon as more

information comes out, we will orange a glass. You're not a black man in America

today.

I mean, what is this, some kind of symbol for white supremacy?

Sure sounds like it. You know, these people, they're getting out of control.

Tiki torches and bags of oranges.

It's like, when is it going to end for our country? Thank you all for being

here today.

My client has had enough of police harassing him.

This time they've gone too far.

For eating, not feeding.

We'll confirm that in court.

The oranges. Now, witnesses also placed the police officers at the fruit stand

just down the street purchasing these oranges.

We're not racist.

I know you're not a racist. And you're too stupid to be a racist. I bet you

can't even spell racist.

Racist. R-A-C-Y-S-T.

Racist. You know, like a cyst on society.

No, that's not how it's spelled.

Do you even know what a cyst is? Have you ever even had a cyst?

No, no, I never had a cyst. But I saw one on Dr. Pimple Popper. You ever see

that? Oh, they're gross. Yeah, it's kind of nasty.

Oh, my God. You ever see a pop one, though? All the blood and the ooze and

the pus comes dripping out. It's so gross. It makes me gag. Oh, my God. You

know, I feel bad for the guy, but I got to watch. Oh, my God. It's like a train

wreck. You can't look away. You got to see... Absolutely.

Everything that's coming out, you're like, oh, my God. Shut the hell up.

You two guys never shut up.

Well, I don't think that's true. I'm amazing at shutting up. I'm a little

better at shutting up. I'm so better than you at shutting up. I can shut up

immediately. I can shut up for a week. I can shut up on a dime. You want to have

a contest?

Okay, count to three. Okay, all right, no. One, two, three.

Enough.

You know what?

I hate you two guys.

I mean, you're good cops, but this is just ridiculous.

The nonstop bantering back and forth.

I've had enough of this.

All right, you got to figure this is a whole misunderstanding with Buzzy. He's

just milking it.

You think I don't know that?

As a representative of the NYPD, I can't just come out and say this guy's faking

it. After all the shit that we've been through, all the bad cops across the

country will get off easy.

So now what?

I spoke to the commissioner, and this came from one police plaza. You guys are

suspended for 60 days without pay pending further investigation.

Are you serious?

I'm very serious.

So what are we gonna do? Get him to talk.

We can't. With all the guys he helped put away, if they found out that he was

working with us, they'd kill him. Listen, guys, you either give him up or

retire. Either way, there's gonna be an investigation.

He doesn't care about you, so just give him up.

Can't give him up, Cap. He saved our life.

And besides, I mean, what is he doing, milking the city for some monetary gain?

It's something that others do all the time. They're looking at criminal

charges. Criminal charges?

For what? Beating a guy with a sack of oranges?

I mean, Bing Crosby used to do it to his kids all the time, and they all turned

out fine.

Yeah. Actually, two of them committed suicide.

Well, how did you tell me that before I picked up the bag of oranges? I told you

I hated Bing Crosby. He's nothing but trouble.

Crosby. You still sure you don't want to get him to talk?

We can.

He's a good guy.

We don't hate him.

Nah, I don't hate him. But you know who I do hate?

Bob Ross.

Bob Ross the painter?

Yeah, yeah.

Why? Why?

He's always so positive and upbeat and rose-colored glasses.

Are you kidding me? And not for nothing, I don't even like his paintings. They're

not that good. I could do much better. You couldn't win a second-grade coloring

contest. I did win a second grade. You did not. Yes, I did.

Get out.

Get out of my office and get yourselves a lawyer.

Yeah, I mean, I don't want to get ahead of myself, you know, but this is the

most excited I've been in a long time. Yeah, no.

32. Uh-huh. Yeah, cocktail waitress. Oh, shit.

Uh-huh. Does she dance? Yeah, she dances like she has a past that I don't know

about.

Uh-huh. No, beautiful.

Uh-huh.

Yep.

All right, I'll see you out there in the morning. All right.

Aha!

Mistake number one.

Never make a move without consulting your attorney.

Body language, how you sit, where you sit, what you wear, how you wear it,

everything subconsciously means something to a jury.

This guy's good. Told you. All right, Mr. Margarets, we have to... Shh!

Rule number two, never speak unless spoken to. It's not what you say, it's

what you're not saying and how you say it and how you don't say it. Besides, I

know who you two are. It's everywhere.

You're the two white cops who allegedly beat that poor defenseless black man

with a bag of oranges.

It's everywhere. Of course I saw it. Everyone saw it. In fact, just this

morning, I told Jenny, my secretary, I said, why not help these guys out and

take the case?

Oh, that's great. We really appreciate it because we really don't. I'm going to

tell you why not.

Because you're the two white schmucks caught on camera beating a poor

defenseless black man with a sack of oranges. Hello!

Is anyone listening?

So basically you can't help us. Help you?

Of course I can help you. You ever heard of Marvin Metzger?

Uh, no. Of course not. Biggest crook the city's ever seen makes Bernie Madoff

look like he stole candy from a bodega. You know why you never heard of him?

No. Because it never went to trial!

I'm that good. I'm the best. I'm the only attorney who could get you two off

on these charges. I am your only hope.

Okay, so you'll help us? Hell no.

Again with the listening problem. I'd be nuts to take a case like this. Everybody

hates you guys.

Well, I mean, I guess... Thanks for your time. Thanks for your time. Listen, I

guess we'll... Go find somebody else. Come back, come back, come back.

I'm gonna hate myself for this. Jenny!

Jenny!

Shit!

Yes, Mr. Markowitz?

Jenny. Give me three corned beef on rye, mustard, extra pickles on the side from

Carnegie Deli. What do you two want to drink? Dr. Pepper? Can you see if they

have tab by any chance?

We're going to do two Cokes.

Look, I feel bad not taking the case. Maybe this helps take the edge off.

Maybe it helps you guys feel better. You know, we'll eat.

We'll go over the case. Maybe I give you guys some advice.

We really appreciate it because we really know who to go to. We have no way

to turn. I have to charge you, of course. A sandwich is our fortune.

Can we split a sandwich? Is that the doable thing?

Thanks.

Let's not point the accusing finger at blaming anyone here. We have to figure

out what we're gonna do.

Yeah, I know.

We're gonna lose our insurance.

I gotta find a new doctor.

Oh, please.

Opiate baby, that's the least of our worries.

Not for me. I love my doctor. He's the best. He's been practicing for 30 years.

Practicing for 30 years? Yeah, he's a top guy.

Can't be the top guy if he's practicing for 30 years. He sounds like a dope.

Why? Why? Because if he's practicing, when's he going to turn pro?

He's practicing medicine, you moron. Yeah, I know what practice is. He's

practicing, practicing. He's never going to turn pro.

He's like the backup quarterback that always practices and never gets into the

game. Jeez, I hope I'm out of the line of fire here.

Hey, Uncle Seamus, how you doing? Hey, Taylor,

come on, let's sit down. Uncle Seamus, the man, the myth, the legend.

Hey, how'd you know we were here?

Are you kidding? You're all over the internet.

You got hate groups following you around.

I hate you.

Right on, right on.

Listen, I got to talk to you guys. You remember your cousin, your second

cousin, Joanna? She's in Chicago.

Yeah, she's great.

He used to play together, but you didn't do nothing else, did you, when you were

kids? No, no.

She's more his type, by the way. His second cousin, you might have freaks,

you know, three lips, five lips, something like that. So, listen, she has

a kid now. She was messing around with a bunch of losers, you know, and then

finally some pencil-neck geek gets her pregnant, she kicks him out. She don't

want to have nothing to do with him. And now Lacey is looking for her father

again. She saw him once, now she wants to reconnect.

Lacey's the kid, right? Lacey's the kid. How old? I don't know, 16, 18, something

like that. Okay, and where's her dad?

Vancouver.

He's in Spain?

Canada.

When did they move it?

Okay, why didn't she just fly to see him?

She's afraid of flying, and I can't drive cross-country like that no more

because of the gout.

That's what you have, gout?

Yeah, I got the gout.

What are you, like an 1854 pirate or something like that? What, do you have

scurvy as well? Hey, me gout and me scurvy acting up.

It's a real thing, and it's painful.

No, no, he's right. I heard of those old diseases. You know, like with Sergeant

Peters, you know, that email going around saying that he had the plague?

That's what you thought the email said? It said he was getting a plaque in a

ward. Why'd he give him an award for having the plague?

No, no!

Is that why you didn't want to shake his hand at one time? God, that was so

awkward. Could have been contagious.

I don't want to get the plague or the gout or the whooping cough or the

scurvy. I don't want any of those. Yeah, you know what? But they're old-time

diseases. I bet you the new stuff is way more dangerous. Probably is. You know,

because you got computers, technology, they're smarter. Will you two shut up?

Listen to me.

I need you to take my niece to go see her deadbeat father.

I don't want some soft-serve, sissy-ass snowflake taking her. You understand?

I don't trust that prick.

You will take care of any creep. You will bust heads, kick some ass.

We used to use a roll of quarters, but you got the orange technique. That

works. The oranges, you know. No bruises. We didn't care. You care. So

what? I just need you to do this. Now, you were an ex-boxer, weren't you? Yeah,

21 fights.

I won 15. The other six, I came in second.

Well, that's better than coming in last.

Okay, look, Uncle Seamus, look, man, I know back in your day when you were a

cop, it was different. We're not like that. I mean, we're just getting some

bad reputation.

We're not those kind of cops that are going around fighting. I'll give you $10

,000. But we will. We'll bust heads if we have to. Yeah, I'll take anybody on.

Yeah, I'll fight that guy right now. I don't even mind.

Let's go outside right now. I'll drag him out right now.

$10,000.

Beat up my mother.

All right, let me ask you a question. Yeah. If you could be a superhero, which

one would it be?

I don't know, maybe, like, the Hulk or something like that?

The Hulk?

Yeah. Why the Hulk? Because he's, like, super strong. He lets out his rage,

expresses himself, and he's green. He's probably Irish.

You don't want to be the Hulk.

Why not?

Well, first of all, he's subject to temper tantrums. Yeah. He rips all his

clothes. Okay.

How are you going to rip all your clothes? You know how you are about your

clothes. Okay, he's a scientist, a brilliant scientist. He can make more

clothes. You know how he can design clothes?

He can design clothes and rip them again, design and rip them again. He's

got no time to fight crime. What are you talking about? What superhero would you

be? Me? I'd be one of the courageous ones.

Okay. The ones that fight anti-Semitism. You know, the Jewish ones.

Oh, okay. Which Jewish superhero would you be?

Uh, you know, Spider-Man.

Yeah. Or Batman.

Spider-Man? Spider-Man or Batman. Batman.

Yeah, that's right. Okay, that's what you think the names are? That's right.

That's right. They came here, and they had to change them. All right, the

female one. The female one. What's her name? The female superhero? Yeah.

Wonder Woman.

Yeah, Wonder Woman.

Yeah, Wonder Woman. But you notice they're sexist. That's why they gave her

a glass plane, because it's a glass ceiling.

You see the synchrony here?

You see the foreshadowing?

Let me ask you this. What is your best pickup line with a girl?

Best pickup line? One that never fails? Yeah.

Want some money?

Want some money? Yeah, want some money.

You... You're asking a girl that? Yeah. A girl that you like? Absolutely.

You want some money? That's the one. Does she ever say yes?

If she says yes, I don't go with her. This way I get that right out of the

way. If she laughs, I know she has a sense of humor. And if she says, no, I

don't want any money, I'm saying, good, because I wouldn't give you any. That

was a test for your morality.

Now let's go to church.

That's right.

What's your best pickup line?

It's easy. You just start, you go, hey, where are you from?

Where are you from? Where are you from? It's simple.

Where you from? Yeah, you start off like basic. Like you're building a house. You

want to build the foundation first.

If simple means boring and stupid, you nailed it.

Boring and stupid. Where you from? You'll get some incredible answers.

Somebody thought, oh, yeah, I'm from Portugal or something like that. Who

says they're from Portugal? A Portuguese girl will say she's from Portugal.

Where'd you ever meet a Portuguese girl? A little Portugal down 29th Street.

A little Portugal on 29th Street? All right, it may not be, okay? But there's

a Portuguese restaurant there.

So did you go in there? And I bet all the Portuguese restaurant people are

from Mexico.

Tell you two things I don't like about the NFL.

Yeah. A, they're overpaid. Mm-hmm. And two, they do dance if they catch a 10

-yard pass. It's ridiculous. It's sickening to even watch. Okay, I might

agree with you there, but you're going from A to two. You can't go from letters

to numbers. It negates the whole argument.

No, it doesn't. The numbers, they correspond numerically. Not...

Numerically? Numerically? No, it's go A goes B. You go A, this, B, that. You do

that. Let me do it in a better way. Yeah, go, go, go. Okay. Yeah.

One, right, you're happy. One, they're overpaying. And B, they do that stupid

dance all the time. You did it again. You went from numbers to letters. It's

the same thing. You stick with one, you stick with numbers, you stick with

letters. You go A, B, C, D. You don't go A, 2, B, C, D. You don't do any of that

stuff. How many batteries do you have in a device?

Two or three? Two or three. And what are the batteries?

Double A, triple A. Thank you, end of story.

Is your cousin hot? Nope.

Not at all.

Hey, Joanna.

Great to see you.

Hi. Great. This is my partner, Taylor. Hi, Taylor. Nice to meet you.

Pleasure to meet you. Welcome.

I feel so much better knowing that you guys are on the case.

Mm-hmm. Great.

Lacey, it's safe and sound. You know, my house actually got broken into a few

weeks ago.

Oh, what happened?

Yeah, they went upstairs.

They went through my drawers. They were looking for jewelry, I think.

They took a brooch.

A family heirloom.

And then they took my underwear.

Victoria's Secret's purple lace lingerie?

Yes.

Animals.

Filthy animals.

How'd you know?

Unfortunately, happens all the time.

Let me go get Lacey's paperwork.

What the hell's wrong with you? What are you talking about?

Oh, give me a break. What are you talking about? Victoria's Secret's

Victoria's Secret? What are you, the grammar police?

That does bother me. But no, you're talking about her panties. You say

purple lace. It's creepy.

It's creepy.

It's not creepy. I'm showing her that I get in the mindset of the burglar. I was

a cop. This way she knows I can protect her.

Do me a favor. Do me a favor.

Switch me. Switch me. Switch me. Why?

Well, because I don't want her to see my Spock ear. Your Spock ear? Yeah, the

pointed ear. You know I have that. You know what I'm saying. I don't want her

to think I'm deformed.

Stop hitting on my cousin.

What are you guys stopping on your cousin for? Hey, you know what? She's a

very attractive woman. What if we end up dating?

What if we end up more than dating? What if we end up engaged?

Then we get married.

You and I would be family.

Wouldn't you like that? No, I would not like that. I could be your uncle.

I could come over on Sundays, take you to the yard, throw the ball around.

Pony ride. You love pony. Take you to the zoo.

That's right. I'll take you for ice cream. I could teach you how to drive a

car. I could play ball with you on the front lawn. Come on, big guy.

Okay, stop.

What are you doing? Stop it. Stop it.

Hey, Lacey.

So nice to meet you. We're excited to go on this journey with you.

Hey there, Casey.

Lacey. Lacey.

How are you there, little lady?

I don't want you to worry about a thing.

We're gonna protect you.

From what?

Well, from all the bad people out there.

What are you gonna do, beat them up with oranges?

I'm here at the scene of the incident where witnesses say they have saw...

Two police officers beating one Kyle mid... Yeah, that cuts deep.

It does hurt.

She's a tough kid.

Yeah, we're clearly not connecting with her, but you know what? I'm going to try

something. I've been reading about this stuff called NLP.

What's that?

Neuro-linguistic programming.

Neuro-linguini-processing.

Yeah, that's what it is. It's using computers to make spaghetti. No, it's

neuro-linguistic programming.

What it is, is it's mimicking the way she stands, her tone of speech, all her

motions to get a rapport, all right? Watch. When she comes back out, I'm

gonna mimic everything she does, and we're gonna have a connection.

You're gonna mimic everything she does? Yeah. I got a 10-year-old nephew. He

mimics everything I do. It's so annoying, I wanna smack him in the head.

That's great. You wanna smack a 10-year-old kid in the head? When it's

warranted, yes, I do. All right. I don't think you're understanding this. I don't

think you're understanding this. Don't start doing that. Stop that. Stop that.

Enough. Enough.

See, you got your luggage.

Bet.

What? I'm just saying it kind of sucks going on a trip with adults with no cap.

Huh?

I mean, low key.

This whole thing's got me shook.

Really?

Yeah. Please don't do that in the car.

Wow, you really made a connection.

Murph, thank you so much for doing this. I sincerely appreciate you. Of course.

I'll take good care of her?

Yeah, 100%. Promise?

Yes. Okay. And I know you're not family, but thank you so much. Shh, shh, shh,

shh. No need to thank me.

It's all about Lacey and her well-being.

You know, not all heroes wear capes.

Yeah, okay.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hey, Mom.

You ready for your trip?

Yeah, I just really don't know about these guys. Oh, my God. You're going to

be just fine. I promise.

I know, but they're so annoying.

Like, I could take a bus.

They're family. They're family.

You're going to be great. I love you. I love you, too.

I'm going to miss you. I'm going to miss you so much, Mom.

Call me. Text me. I will. Every step of the way. I promise.

I love you.

All right. Bye, Joanna. Thank you. Take good care of her. I will.

Let's get this show on the road, yo. No.

You feel me?

You want Ox?

Wow. That NLP stuff really does work.

You were right.

No, no, no. I'm being serious. Don't go away like that. Come on. I want to

learn. Teach me. I'm a blind campus. Hate me.

I love you.

Be safe.

Call me when you get there.

I will.

Bless you.

Oh, thanks.

Must be his allergies. They're kicking my ass today.

You want some of my pepper?

You still carry pepper?

Always.

You know, pepper makes you sneeze even worse.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You lean into it, just like build up a tolerance

to it.

Dad, I don't think that's how it works.

Pepper's also anti-inflammatory.

Pretty sure it's not. It helps your complexion. Not that I... And your

immune system. That doesn't help.

Okay, where do you know all this?

I haven't noticed. I hear things. You hear things. Where do you know it? I

read things.

Where'd you read things? It was a book.

A book where? Yeah, somebody's kitchen table. They have a book on pepper.

Pepper book on a kitchen table. That's called a menu.

Yeah, that's what they're gonna have at a kitchen table. They're gonna have a

menu. I don't know what you mean.

Hey, Lace, let me ask you a question.

I want to get to know you a little better.

What's your favorite music?

Oh, you know what? Do you have an after-school job?

Is your mom dating anyone?

Don't be a dick. Don't say dick in front of the kid. Class it up. You're better

than that. What am I supposed to say? Say penis.

No, that's weird.

All right. Well, say something medical. Maybe we should go up to be a doctor,

you know, like use that as our curse word. Like spleen.

Spleen? How about appendix? This way it has dick in it.

Appendix. Well, let me try it out. You're a total appendix. Face is an

appendix. Stop acting like an appendix. Yeah, why don't you suck my appendix?

Hey, the check engine light went on.

Don't pay attention to that. They never mean anything.

Your cheap car rental hookup.

Hey, Lace, let me ask you this.

What is your deal with the flying thing? What are you afraid of? Is it heights?

Oh, it's not heights. She's probably scared of crashing. No, no, no. Is it

germs? It's probably germs, right? It's germs? You know what? She's a teenager.

It's a small bathroom. She's probably claustrophobic.

You know, they're small bathrooms. I don't like them either, but I'll tell

you, the lighting makes me look good. It makes me look tan.

You know what the best bathrooms are on a plane? What? Front class.

I heard they have showers in them. What is front class?

Front class, where the rich people sit.

No, that's first class.

Yeah, and where the first class rich people sit.

In the front of the plane? Front class.

You're welcome. Yeah. Well, your back class rental is overheating.

What's happening?

Not that. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. We got it. We'll take

care of it.

It's smoking. I better pull over.

Yeah, let me pull over.

We'll take care of it.

I think I see the problem, Murph. What is it?

Well, right underneath, you got a small pinhole in the radiator hose.

Okay, so what's the plan?

Well, I don't know. We're about 20 miles away from the next station. We need a

new hose.

Hey. I mean, you know, we can risk it. I don't think it's gonna make it, though.

We can let it cool down for a little while and try it.

Hey, Lace, let me ask you something.

Come on, what's your deal about flying?

You afraid some guy's going to bother you or something?

Because if that's the case, all you got to do is karate the guy.

Karate the guy? Yeah.

Karate's not a verb. You use karate. You don't karate someone.

Yeah, you use it to karate the guy.

You're like Jackie Chan. Whoa, were you being serious when you said you had

pepper in your pocket?

Yeah, I always have pepper. Why, are you hungry? I'm not sure the pepper's going

to help, but I got it. Well, give her some. Maybe, you know, she's hungry.

Maybe the kids eat these days.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Is this a TikTok challenge? Is this the pepper challenge?

Yeah, because if that's it, I'm in. I'm totally in. I'll do it right now.

No, no, no. Okay, it's for the radiator hose. What up, socials fam? Today I'm

going to teach you how to fix your leaky radiator with items you might even find

in your kitchen. To be fair, one of them is going to be real expensive.

Told you it'd come in handy one day.

I got to admit, you are right.

Lacey, you are a TikTok genie.

Genius. Genius.

Way to save the day, little lady.

I'm not scared of flying.

I just... I just figured he'd come see me.

All my friends at school talk about their dads.

God, even the kids with divorced parents get to see them. But my dad hasn't come

to see me since I was a literal child.

I just... I'd really like to get to know him.

Let him get to know me, like...

Do father-daughter things.

I just... I thought if I said I was scared of flying, maybe he'd come down

to see me.

I'll stay here.

That's it. I'm driving there right now.

I love the energy, but it's probably impossible. We still have to stop at the

mechanic. After the mechanic, I'm driving as fast as I can. We're getting

there after the mechanic.

It's gonna...

Probably tomorrow, unfortunately. Tomorrow, after we get a good night's

sleep, after the mechanic, driving straight through.

We're getting you right there, Lacey.

We are Team Lacey. Yeah, 100%. Thank you, guys.

Of course. Of course. That's right. We're friends. We're helping you out.

Come on. We are Team Lacey.

On the highway.

We're driving to her house.

We're getting Lacey there.

There's just a puncture in the radiator hose. So you do the pepper thing?

Yeah. It works, right?

Let's hear it.

Well, I'll be done in an hour and a half.

God,

she's so freaking hot.

Yeah. I think she's Korean.

You know Korean girls are the hottest of all the Chinese?

That is so racist.

How is that racist? I said she's hot. I gave her a compliment. It's like I'm

sitting here objectivizing her.

Objectifying her. Yeah, dude, it's super racist.

You know what? I think you're the racist.

What are you talking about? Korea and China are two different places. There

you go. You're separating them again. Next thing you're going to tell me they

should have their own country. They do have their own country. Yeah? And

there's even North Korea and South Korea. There you go. Exactly what I'm

talking about. North-South, North-South, North-South. Just like the Civil War. I

got news for you. We already fought the Civil War and your side lost.

My side lost. That's right. You're the racist. So why don't you grab yourself a

white sheet and just saunter yourself down to the next Nazi rally and have

yourself a ball.

First off, just to be clear, the white sheet is the KKK.

Hugo Boss is the Nazi, right? Well, it would take a racist to know that. Hey,

tell you what, I'm going to do you a favor, okay? I'm going to hypnotize you.

And when I snap my fingers, you're going to forget you were ever a racist.

I was never a racist.

There you go.

You can't do that. I wasn't a racist to begin with. You're welcome.

I'm not a racist.

You're fixed.

Hey, Taylor? Yeah.

If she's getting that bed and there's only one other bed, looks like it's your

lucky day.

Or should I say, lucky night.

Come, lover.

Not happening.

What's wrong? You're homophobic.

I'm not homophobic.

You know, according to the American Psychiatric Association, the more men

protest that they're not homophobic means they're actually hiding homosexual

tendencies. I'm not protesting, and I'm not homophobic. I love men.

Wow, you think you know a guy.

I'm just saying I'm not protesting.

I simply can't sleep well unless I'm sleeping on lavender-scented, hand

-picked, Egyptian cotton 5,000-thread count sheets.

Not helping your case.

How do you know your sheets are 5,000 threads?

What, do you count them? Don't be ridiculous. You can't count the sheets.

Come on.

You count a small section and then multiply it by the square footage and

see if you come up short. A lot of them are mislabeled. What about satin? Can

you sleep on satin?

No, no, no. You slide right off. Cotton? You want me to sweat all night? Silk.

Silk comes from a worm's butthole. I don't want anything coming from any

butthole.

Homophobic. I'm not homophobic.

Hey, what are you whining so much about?

You get to sleep with me. I have to sleep with you. I'm the victim here.

Yeah, you probably snore all night. I don't snore. How do you know? Of course,

I never hurt myself.

You'd be sleeping through it.

That's my point. If I heard myself snoring, I would have woken up when I

was sleeping. I never woke up when I was snoring when I was sleeping. I know I

don't snore. All right, shh.

Hey, you know what I don't get?

What? What kind of deadbeat father doesn't want to hang out with their

daughter? Especially a smart one like that. I know.

You know what? She really saved the day earlier.

That kind of helped save the day with the pepper packets.

No, actually, she saved it with the video.

All right, let's just call it a team effort.

You know, if I had a daughter, I'd want one like her.

Oh, yeah.

You know, she so reminds me of my daughter.

You don't have a daughter.

Well, in my head, you know, my imaginary one. If I did have one, I wanted to be

just like her. Okay.

Yeah. It's been a long day. Let's get some sleep, baby.

Stop. No, come on, come to bed. Don't touch me. I brought coconut oil. We

could play Polynesian luau.

Polynesian luau? Yeah. I'm calling the cops.

Come back.

Hey, Lacey, couldn't you just, like, do a Zoom with your dad?

What? Couldn't you just do, like, a Zoom with your dad?

I haven't seen him for, like, most of my life.

I'm just worried about this whole customs thing.

You know, we should have taken a train into Vancouver.

There's still customs on a train. Yeah, but it's moving forward, and with the

time zone, it would have been right through.

No, no. What I think is that we have to be, like, super pro-Canada. When he or

she comes in, like, we're super into Canadian stuff, you know? Why don't I

try that, like, BLT stuff?

And LP. And yeah, maybe.

Oh, here he comes. Here he comes.

Bonjour.

Bienvenue.

Monsieur. Mademoiselle.

We don't speak Canadian.

We're Americans.

I speak English as well.

What is the nature of your visit?

Well, we're here for the big moose convention.

Eh?

And two, how long do you think this is going to take?

You know,

if you're looking to get some maple syrup, I may have a guy.

It's true. He's got a guy. And you can take as much home to your igloo as you

want.

Hey, you see that hockey game last night? You see the Canadians beat the

Vancouver... Just thick pucks. Oh my god. Okay. Here's my birth certificate.

This is all the information that you need.

Good morning.

Is this for you?

Welcome to Canada.

Hey! Yay!

Close one, right?

I think it was the maple syrup. It probably was.

They got a lot of good stuff here.

Want a burger or something, kiddo? I'm a pescatarian.

I didn't know you were religious.

It's not a religion. You just can't eat a burger.

Oh, what are you like, you go to hell or something if you eat a burger? It's not

a religion.

It just, it means I only eat fish.

Oh, what is that, like part of a cult or something? You gotta shave your head,

join a gang, get a tattoo, a piercing?

No, it's not a cult. Ay-yi-yi.

Hey, guys. Welcome to the deli. What can I get you started with today?

Some drinks?

I'll have a lemonade.

Okay.

Uh, water.

Awesome. Do you have Tab in Canada?

Uh, no. I don't know what that is.

Okay, I'll just take Canada Dry.

Oh, we don't have that either. Sorry.

You don't have Canada Dry in Canada?

No. Okay.

I'll just take a Diet Coke.

Okay.

Hey, where are you from?

Here. I know a lot of people from here. Oh, yeah? Who?

Well, that guy.

Uh-huh.

Hey, I just want to pay you a compliment. Your hair is really

beautiful. And, God, your nail polish, it really pops. Great color.

Oh, my gosh, thank you. I just got them done.

Thanks so much. Okay, I'll be right out.

Really? Really?

What the hell was that?

I was giving her a compliment. It's called flirting. Yeah, flirting in a gay

bar. Your hair looks really beautiful. Your nails, they really pop.

I wanted to just ask you to try your shoes on.

You know what? Like I give off a gay vibe, come on. You gotta do it. Not at

all. Have you seen the girls I date? Let me show you a picture of my ex

-girlfriend. Hang on.

Girls I date. Yeah, this is my ex-girlfriend.

She's hot?

Why did your voice go up on hot?

I mean, she's hot.

You did it again. Looks like you can't believe I could date somebody like this.

Well, all she's saying is she's hot for someone, you know, like you. Oh, my God,

that is so insulting. How is that insulting? It's a compliment.

All I'm saying is that for somebody with your limited dating capabilities, she's

hot for you. Oh, my God. You know what? I am so sick of you riding my butt.

Every single day, you're on my butt. You just look at... Guys, here's a drink.

A Coke for you, lemonade, water.

Um, I just think it's great what you two are doing.

What? What are we doing?

You know, same-sex marriage can be difficult, but also raising a kid, I

mean, good for you. So courageous.

Love is love, right?

Okay, time out. Wait, no, I'm not gay, and he's not my husband, and she's not

my daughter. And by the way, if I was gay, I think I could do a little better

than him.

Wait, what? I'm not your kid?

Daddy, I love you. How could you even say that to me?

You bastard!

How dare you? It's one thing to be ashamed of us, but to denigrate your own

child? You...

Coward! You disgust me! They're joking.

We're just a big joke to you now. It wasn't a joke last night when we were

hanging out in the hot tub drinking champagne coolies and belting out Lady

Gaga songs!

Okay, they're just kidding around. They're trying to embarrass me.

Oh, embarrass you. We're an embarrassment.

Explain this.

It's okay, sweetheart. It's okay. I'll make an appointment with Dr. Ginsberg in

the morning and we'll work out some things in family therapy. It's okay. I

am so sorry. Can I get you some ice cream or something to cheer you up,

honey? That would be really nice. Thank you. Of course, yeah.

Oh, excuse me, excuse me. She's been through so much.

Do you think maybe a piece of pie would also help?

Absolutely. It's on the house. No worries.

Thank you.

I hate you both. You're both dead to me.

Fine. You don't get any of our pie.

I don't want any of your stupid pie.

Let me, you know what? Let me look up Google Translator.

On the Google.

No, they speak English. They have a couple different words, but they're

different.

All right, so they have sorry, okay? They have a boot, which is about.

They have out, and then they say A.

I bet there's a lot of car accidents up here driving on the wrong side of the

road and not knowing how to spell.

We're all going with the flow of traffic. How would we be on the wrong

side? Thank you. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

Yeah,

I know what I'm talking about. You don't think your mother's going to go for me?

Are you serious?

I think we'd be a cute couple. Oh, come on. Not without Spock ear.

Oh, Lacey.

God dang, you're getting good. Wow.

Lacey, yeah, this is fantastic.

This is all I've been listening to. How long have we been driving? Like 12 hours

at this point?

No, 12 hours is a little different in Canada, though, because of the

kilometers. Because of the kilometers, yeah. Right, of course. Half the time.

Half the time, something like that. You're just doing whatever you can to

talk to my mom, and it's not going to happen. That hurts, eh?

Oh, you actually got it. I feel like that you got it, right? Good.

And two, I'm not going to. No, you ruined it. Yeah, you ruined it. God.

It was so close. So close.

Oh, Lacey, Lacey, Lacey, Lacey. Come here for a second.

I know you're anxious to see your dad. I know you want to get up there. I know,

but I just want to tell you something real quick, all right? I can't wait. Can

this wait? Well, just give me a second. Just give me a second, all right? Did

you ever hear of this fighter, Jerry Quarry?

No. Well, Jerry Quarry was this real popular fighter in the 60s and 70s, all

right? He ended up getting hurt, getting, you know, getting, like, punch

drunk. It's called pugilistic dementia.

It's when you slow your words a lot and you forget things and you sound real

stupid. You understand?

You get what I'm saying?

Yep, I can imagine that. Okay, so the reason that he got that way was because

he wanted to be heavyweight champion so bad, and he knew he was getting hurt,

but he lied to himself to get what he wanted.

Okay? He kept making a story in his head. I can be that champ. I can do it.

I can get it. He was lying to himself, ignoring all the signals.

He ignored all the signals.

Now you understand what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, it's a good story. It's a good story. Okay, you guys, seriously,

you're gonna love him. He is so cool. And he said he was gonna get me a brand

new pink Tesla for when I go to college. And he wants me to study business just

like he did, which, duh.

And I just, I...

I know. I know he wanted to visit. He was going to visit. It's just, he's

literally swamped changing the infrastructure of crypto, and, like,

he's a CEO, so he's a big deal, and, like, he's needed literally, like,

everywhere, so I don't hold it against him at all, and I just, oh, I can't wait

to see him in a... Oh... my God!

This mansion is so Sigma.

Oh, this is gonna be so... What's Sigma? What is that, like, a sorority thing or

something? I have no idea.

Why don't you check your OPP book, see what it says?

NLP, there's no book, and that's not what it is at all. Well, it clearly did

not work.

I just don't want Lacey to get hurt.

Yeah, me neither.

Welcome to the little chateau.

Honey bear.

Oh my gosh, what happened? Look at you.

Beautiful.

Gentlemen.

Look at you.

Look at you.

Yeah! Yes!

Yeah!

Gentlemen, thank you so much for bringing my little girl to me.

I'm so happy to finally be here with you.

Honey Bear, we have so much to catch up on.

Great place here, Brad.

Yeah, let me take you on the tour.

Get the door!

What am I, his butler?

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Murph, Murph. Yeah?

What's with that hug? I don't know. Is that like a Canadian thing or something?

A little awkward, right?

Let me ask you a question. Yeah. A little sketchy to you? Yeah.

Copping things are kicking in.

This place is freaking huge.

Look at all this artwork.

Place looks like one of the 16 chapels.

Yeah.

Ah, these are such a hassle. These stairs are getting ripped out next

month. We're putting in an escalator. Hey,

you like the banister?

That's a dangerous road right there.

This is one of my favorite bathrooms in the house. Vaulted ceilings, couple of

chandeliers. You're not going to find artwork like that in your typical Howard

Johnson bathroom.

Speaking of Johnson, this is where we'd hang out right here. Look at this baby.

Black Onyx.

Bro! That's what I call it. Wow. Yes. I'll have to poop in here before we

leave. Yeah.

Drop a deuce in there. You know you've done something.

Yeah, you guys familiar with Gainsborough, right? Your fans?

Gainsborough fans? Yeah. So you know the Blue Boy, right? Of course.

Huntington's got that, but I got the Blue Boy's baby brother right there.

Baby Blue Boy right there.

Did he say Blue Boy? Yeah, no, Blue Boy. Hey, Brad, Brad, Brad. Yeah, yeah. That

dog, is that the same author that painted the one with all the dogs

playing poker?

This is the gold kitchen.

Now, you know, people born with a silver spoon in their mouth?

Yeah, those are the poor people. Here, take one of those. Take one. Take one

with you. There you go.

At least he doesn't want anyone stealing it. What, so he glued it down?

Apparently, that's how rich people do it.

You gonna keep this?

I'll keep it. It's in my pocket.

And this is it? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Now, I know it doesn't look that big, but it's a lot deeper than it looks.

That's a one-of-a-kind right there.

That's great.

Yeah, fellas, and this is the ballroom.

What do you think of that?

Have a seat, guys. Make yourself at home.

This for sitting or showing?

Sitting. It's good enough for the Queens ads. It's good enough for yours, right?

So what'd you think? You like? Right? I'm tearing all that crap down. I don't

like it. This is my new baby right here.

A few of them. Well, first off, the Jackson Pollock, I basically stole it

from Christie's. It was... just a little shy of $6 million.

I mean, it's like they're giving it to me. And the Monet, Monet's gonna have to

go someplace else because it doesn't go with everything else, but that's my baby

right there, the Basquiat. Ah.

You like Basquiat? You like Basquiat? How much is that painting, uh, Basquiat?

Should be $100 million. I got it for $98. Don't tell anyone. $98 million?

But I'm thinking somewhere in this room, I'm gonna tear this crap off the walls

now. I'm kind of tired of it now, and I need, I need that kind of...

Big Basquiat energy in here. Is it like a side job or something like that for

you, Brett?

No, it's just a hobby.

Expensive hobby.

Eh, well, sue me. I like to spend my money on beautiful things.

Oh, speaking of which... I got a little somebody for you.

Honey bear made honey bear.

Thank you so much. Oh, sorry.

All those millions of dollars, can't put out cheese and crackers. You can relax.

You shut up.

Just sit like a normal person. I can't just sit.

Look, I'm going to wire up to you from the crypto account.

There's no need for language like that.

Look, I promise you, end of day today, you'll have your money.

Tell you what, hey, can you hold on for just a second?

Hey,

honey bear.

Daddy's got to do a little adulting today, so why don't you three musketeers

go back and enjoy the amenities at the hotel, get a good rest, and we're going

to have a great daddy-daughter day tomorrow.

Okay? All right? I'll see you guys then.

You know the way.

Yeah, I'm back.

That was my daughter.

Wow, this is nice.

Not bad, not bad. Maybe they got better hotel rooms in Canada. I guess we're

moving up in the world, huh?

Oh, look at this. It's got its own room here.

And, uh, Lace, you got your own bedroom there in the back, huh?

Oh, man, I can't remember if I packed tampons.

Why? What do you got, your girly thing?

Yeah, your monthly visitor.

You mean a period?

Whoa! Oh, my God! I didn't realize I was traveling with kindergartners. I'll keep

looking.

Hey, Taylor, let me ask you a question.

This guy Brad seems sketchy, right? Oh, my God, he's totally sketchy. Yeah, so

seriously, what was with that phone call, right? You can hear the guy

screaming on the other end a mile away.

Yeah, and the guy's a gazillionaire, and yet he buys most uncomfortable

furniture? Right, in a green color scheme? I mean, who does a green color

scheme? Guys,

stop it.

You're just jealous. He's just really successful. You wouldn't understand.

Tell you what I do understand.

A father should spend more time with his daughter.

Something just doesn't seem right about the whole thing.

Avi is just...

Super busy, I guess.

Well, there's only one way to know for sure.

I got this friend in New York.

She could do a reading on him.

Yeah, you know, like pick up a vibe.

She's a psychotic.

Yeah, you know, she sees into the future.

That's not what it is.

I think the word you're looking for is psychic.

Well, yeah, it's the elongation of the word, you know.

I'll prove it.

Do you have her on speed dial?

Yeah.

Yeah, hey, Madam Zelda, how you doing? Yeah, it's me, Taylor.

I'm just gonna put you on speaker for a sec, all right?

Let me ask you a question.

Aren't you psychotic?

Sorry, forgot to close the door.

Dad? Hey, Brad?

Yo, Brad!

What kind of whistle was that?

I told you not to make fun of my whistle.

Okay, yeah. A little baby whistle. Your face is a baby whistle. This is serious.

There's clearly something wrong. Can you both just, like, take something

seriously for a second?

No, it's just some things are messed up. He's probably fine. He's probably

upstairs. The doors are open. That's knocked over. There's clearly something

wrong. Dad!

He's not answering.

Hey, Brad!

Maybe he's in the bathroom. Hey, Brett!

Go check upstairs.

He's not in the bathroom.

Daddy?

He's not here. He's not here. There's something wrong.

All right, all right. I'm sure there's a reason for it. What reason? The

paintings are gone. Look at this.

My God, look at all the stuff they took.

I'll check back upstairs.

Out of all the things to take, they take the ugliest, most uncomfortable couch?

What a queen's hat on it.

Freeze! Royal Canadian Mounts Police!

You see? Now that's intimidating.

Hey, you guys come here on horses.

Okay.

How did you end up at Antonov's house?

So, okay.

So, Murphy is my uncle.

Tell me about the paintings.

Do I like paintings?

Oh, I didn't take any of the paintings. None of us did. I happen to be quite the

artist myself.

Really? Yeah, I won a second grade painting contest.

What did you paint? A little Monet or... What would I paint money for?

I don't have to paint money. I got money in my pocket.

How old do you know your dad?

You know what? Your interrogation would go better if I had two things in front

of me.

Core, feet.

Coffee. The last time I saw him in person was... God, yeah, when I was like

six. You know what? I'm sitting here talking this whole time. You didn't give

me anything to drink. You don't have like a can of dry or something like

that? You don't have can of dry? This is the second place I've asked and nobody

has it? Is that not a thing? No, it's not.

Basically, Murph and Taylor, they drove me here from Chicago to come see my dad.

Did you see the painting? No, no.

Are you sure? I would never steal those kind of paintings. Are you crazy?

But you'd steal other types of paintings.

No, I wouldn't. Well, no, I wouldn't steal any other type of painting unless

there was like a situation where somebody was trapped under a painting.

What about NFTs? You ever stolen an NFT? NFT.

Know anything about that?

I don't even know if I can steal an NFT.

NFT. NFT. Oh, that's right. You British people like tea. No, coffee.

What about your friend? Think he's done before?

Stolen an NFT?

You wouldn't even know how to spell NFT. Spell it.

N-F-T.

Use it in a sentence.

They're harmless, honestly.

They... They have really big mouths, but they wouldn't do anything. And they're

really looking out for me.

Okay. Good. Why do you have his little girl with you? Well, you want the

straight answer then?

Sure. He's a deadbeat, and she's got a hot mom. She's a good kid, though. But I

really want to date the mom. So how long have you known him? The mom? I just met

her. Now, do they have any ties with your father?

Did they know about him or contact him before you guys came up here?

I think...

I think Murphy maybe knew a little bit, just from, like, being in the family.

You said you like her mom, right? Oh, yeah. Taylor's never met anybody.

Well, you know the problem between me and you, you're a guy, right?

He's just trying to get with my mom.

She's totally into me.

Oh, okay.

How were they involved with the operation?

They're not doctors.

How were they involved with the money laundering?

I don't think they washed anything. Lacey has one duffel bag like that. So

you're telling me she knows nothing about... Hey, hey, she's a good kid.

She's smart. She knows everything. But nothing.

Yeah. And what does your dad do?

Well, he's like a, he's a CEO.

Of what?

Um... I don't know.

You know, your partner's right.

He is? Yeah. What'd he say? You're the smart one. Oh, he got that right. He

never gives me compliments. Frankly, I don't see it. I can see it. Oh, well,

that's just hurtful at this point.

I'm really worried. Like, we came all this way to see him, and, like, the

doors were open. Like, he wasn't there. All of the paintings were gone. I

just... I really... I don't know what's going on. I know. Hey, listen.

We're doing everything in our power to find him, okay?

It's gonna be okay.

I just... I know something's wrong, and he's such a good person, and I haven't

been able to see him in so long, and he just... He doesn't deserve this. I know

he doesn't deserve any of this.

This has been horrible, all right? As soon as we figure out what's going on

with your dad, we're getting the hell out of this country.

Unless you guys want to stay for a little longer and extend the trip.

Gentlemen. Hey, did you see Gretzky last night?

He retired 25 years ago.

Yeah, it was on The Tonight Show.

Right.

The subject's name is Bradley Antonoff.

No known aliases, but he was last seen with the Russian mob.

He is one of Canada's top money launderers.

He was supposed to be buying fine art, but instead he's been buying replicas

and stealing the money.

We picked him up on a CMT charge a while back, but it didn't stick.

This time, though, he may have offended the wrong people.

All of his financial transactions have been digital. They've been paying

Antonoffia Bitcoin in order to keep it untraceable, but as soon as we find the

money, we've got him.

So you're saying my dad can go to jail?

It's either that or he faces the wrath of the Russian mob.

Unfortunately, your dad doesn't have the best roads ahead of him.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Insett tried to get information from his house, but all the info from the

computers is gone.

Do you want to call your mom?

Look, um, Rachel, if you need some help on this case and you need somebody to

work with you for a period of time, I don't mind working close with you on

this. Just don't keep him out too late. He suffers from low testosterone. He

gets exhausted very easily.

Or if you want me to take you out to dinner, we can just chop it up and

spitball, you know. Bring your EpiPen. You gotta be able to stick him. He's

allergic to gluten. His throat swells up. Can't be... Or, you know, maybe we

need to relax and, you know, just... Get our mind off the case. Maybe go to a day

spa, a massage, or something like that. Yeah, like that rub-and-tug joint you go

to on 39th Street?

Okay.

Why won't you help me out? Let me teach your cousin. Joanna? Yes, let me teach

your cousin. Fine. Just help me out.

Gentlemen, as much as we appreciate what the NYPD could potentially do, I believe

we have it covered here in Canada.

That's a relief, because he's got to get home. He just won the $400 million

Powerball. He's got to go home and cash his ticket.

You know how eccentric millionaires can be. Okay. You gentlemen are free to go.

Hey, cheer up, Lace.

How about this? I'll show you the dance I'm gonna do with Mountie Rachel at our

wedding. You can't dance.

I hate to give him a compliment, but he can dance.

See? All right, here. Gonna put your one arm here.

Give me this. Don't give me spaghetti arm. Push back on me. Here we go. All

right, take a step back on your right, and then feet together, okay? Forward on

your left. Yep, and then step together. Now back on the right.

Step together. Forward on your left.

Step together. Here, now dip. Ready?

Can't dance.

Thanks for trying.

Taylor.

Hey, Lace, wanna come out here for a sec?

Dad, where have you been?

I've been everywhere, Honey Bear.

Everywhere. What does that even mean? The police took us in there looking for

you. Hey, Honey Bear, do you remember that teddy bear that Daddy gave you? You

still got it, right?

Teddy bear, yeah.

Right, because Daddy just needs to see it for a second.

Just to... Oh, thank God.

I get it. What, are there crypto codes inside of it?

Oh, my God, there are.

You just gave it to me so no one would catch you with it. No, no, I didn't.

It's not like that. What is it like then, Dad?

I haven't seen you in years, and now that I finally do, you're just using me

for your sketchy shit?

I trusted you, and it was all a lie. You never wanted to see me.

Honey Bear, of course I wanted to see you.

Then where have you been?

I've been at the... Is this a puberty thing?

Look, I love you. I care about you. I've got no time for this. Give me that bear!

Give me the bear! Give me the bear!

Give me the bear!

Give me the bear!

There are gods.

Look, if I knew, I would tell you.

That's not smart, Brad. They're probably gonna torture you now. They may even

waterboard you.

Oh, that's like emotional bullying.

See, what they do is they take you out on this really ice-cold lake, right, and

they put you right in the middle of it, and they make you balance on a board.

And then when you fall down, you freeze, and they all laugh at you.

That's not waterboarding. That's wakeboarding. Same thing. No, it's not.

Waterboarding was they lay you down, they put a towel over your face, and

they pour water up your nose. Oh, you are definitely not gonna like that.

Oh, you know what else you couldn't handle is when they put you in that

little box. Now, me, I can handle that.

You're crazy.

No, no. When I was a kid, I used to have my mom tuck the sheets in real tight.

Put me in that box, give me a book to read. I could stay there all day. Why

would they give you a book? Why would they care if they give me a book or not?

That's not the information they want. But they don't want to make you

comfortable to go put you in a box with a book. They don't care. They don't

care. How are you going to read it? I mean, like... Wait, wait. Hang on. Hang

on. Let me try something. Let me try something.

Gentlemen, can I get a book out of my bag?

Why would they care? That's what I'm saying. Why would they kind of stop the

information? You know what?

Just relax. Just relax. I got something. Let me talk.

Comrades.

What do you say you cut us loose, we pour some vodka, we split the pierogi,

and we go sit in some snow and talk about this like gentlemen?

Okay, guys, guys, look, we're big fans of your culture. Taylor and I go to a

ton of strip clubs. It's true? Yeah.

You think that scares us?

Brad is a lot tougher than that. Show him, Brad.

Look, look, no matter what you do to Brad, he ain't gonna talk.

Wait, why are you punching me? These idiots, they can't shut up. Punch them.

Yet!

You don't tell him what to do.

We hit them, and we want to hit them.

Keep it up.

Do your nails first.

What is

funny?

Do your nails first.

Manicure?

What is manicure?

This a gay?

Hey, you know what? That's stereotyping. And that reeks of toxic masculinity.

Shut up!

We hit his nails with him.

Then say that. Don't make it sound like he's going to a salon.

But instead of waterboarding, did you say facial hydration?

Uh-oh.

To his nails.

That is him, though.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, there's no need for this.

My daughter's got it. Oh!

Oh, my God! What kind of a lowlife would give his daughter up? He's a father of

the year over here, Jackass.

What's the matter with you? With one hand, I'm happy we have code.

On the other, I've never seen such disgusting... How you say it? Piece of

crap? Not quite.

Scumbag. No class, beat down fool?

Is that like Russian for douchebag?

It's shit-ass.

Oh. Oh.

Simplistic. It's kind of anticlimactic there.

Next time I use one of yours. Look,

you're never going to find her. She ran away.

She's not here. You know what?

Wakeboard this astronaut.

Go, go, go, go!

Insect, drop your weapon! Freeze, freeze!

Oh,

shit.

Oh, shit.

Who are these things following us around?

Hey, I bet that Agent Mountie karate'd the guy.

Okay, number one, that's super racist. Just because he's Asian doesn't mean he

knows karate.

And B? And two, karate's not a verb.

Hey, hey, hey, buddy, buddy. How'd you subdue that guy?

Well, I just karate'd the guy.

Okay, guys.

We've got a call out for Lacey.

We'll find her.

Thanks for everything. Really appreciate all your help. Of course.

See you guys.

How much longer is it going to... Oh, the animal.

Okay, wait, hang on.

Just drop the gun, and we'll all walk out of here nice and easy.

Are you trying to seduce me?

Lazy... Get down!

If you recognize the two in the video, it's because they are NYPD's very own

foreign justice duo, whom after allegations of police misconduct were

suspended and are now returning to the line of duty.

It's not the video you can see, but the video you can't.

Classified footage indicates no foul play in the arrest of one Kyle, Buzzy

Mitchell, which has now led to DA Casselli dropping the gun.

Welcome back.

Thank you. Look, you guys can call us heroes, but I'm not comfortable saying

it myself.

I am. You can call me hero. I'm comfortable saying it.

All right, all right, you two. Welcome back, I guess.

Since you requested that we don't release footage of you being buddy pals

with your CI, as noble as that may be, one police plaza has sent down some

guidelines for your reinstatement. It's supposed to rehabilitate your image and

that of the department to the public.

And you two guys get to be great big stars.

I guess it's the optics.

Oh, look at you with the big words. I can handle things. I'm smart.

Not like people say, like dumb. I'm smart.

I want respect.

That's pretty good.

Afraid of them, Godfather? I'm trying to put it together. I've been watching a

marathon. I bet you ever hear my quint from Jaws.

Yeah, I mean, my grades in chemistry aren't super amazing right now, but it's

fine. I'll get them back up. Yeah, just remember all the medical terms that

Taylor taught you. Oh, what?

Hey, I was giving you pearls of wisdom.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey.

Oh, is that your girlfriend there?

Oh, my God. No, you idiot.

Can't a girl be friends with another girl? Hey, you know, if you're a

lesbian, that's fine by us. I mean, you know, I just didn't know the pescatarian

church allows that. We went on a whole road trip to Canada, and you're still on

this bit. How many times do I have to tell you?

Pescatarian is a dietary choice. It's not a religion.

As long as you don't have to shave your head, we love you either way, sweetie.

Well, watch out next April Fool's, because I've definitely got you there

then. Look, I gotta go. You guys have a good time.

All right. Great to talk to you. Love you, kid. Great talking to you guys. See

ya. Bye.

Thanks.

See, you know what?

She's a really good kid. Great kid. Yeah, she really is. And you know

something, just for the record, I wouldn't care if she was a lesbian or a

gay or nothing like that. I know, I know.

Hey, by the way, you heard Sanchez came out as gay, right?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, he came to the precinct the other day.

Yeah, that's right. He had his boyfriend.

Yes, he did. And you know something? Did you notice?

His boyfriend looked just like he did.

Yeah, is that a thing? Do they date guys that look like each other?

I don't know. I don't know. I mean, there's a lot of advantages to it,

though. Like what?

Well, you save on the same hair care products. That gives you double your

wardrobe. That's right. So you're saving money right there, right?

Now, I know you. I know how your brain works, okay?

So let me ask you this. If you were gay, what celebrity would you date? Why would

I think if I'm gay who I'm dating? I would never think like that. You've

never thought about that? No, I don't think about if I'm gay who I'm going to

date. That's ridiculous.

But if I were gay and I were to date a celebrity, it would be Joe Namath.

The football player?

Yeah, Joe Namath.

That's right. Super Bowl III, MVP.

Isn't he a little old for you?

There you go with age discrimination again. I'm just saying, what would you

do together?

What do you know what I'd do together? We'd go to the football games, right?

We'd go to any kind of book signings, country clubs. I'd get sweets with all

the free food at the Jet Games.

A lot of good stuff.

Who would you date?

Well, you're saying people that look like you, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I don't know. Brad Pitt.

Oh, my. The ego on this guy. Are you kidding me? What? What are you talking

about? Brad Pitt. He might like some incredible stuff in me. The way I dress,

the way I talk, the way I act. All that stuff.

Oh, my God. You're setting the bar a little high, don't you think? Then we

would have Hollywood parties. We would invite you and Joe over for a Hollywood

dinner or something like that. Mm-mm.

Joe and I are not interested in coming to any Hollywood soirees that you and

Mr. Pitt are throwing. Okay, Brad and I made dinner and you're not going to come

over? Joe needs his rest. He's older now, his knees still ache, and we're not

going out to all hours of the morning doing God knows what with who knows who.

So now I have to tell Brad all that food we made we're going to throw in the

garbage? That's not my problem. You're the one who wanted to date a Hollywood

big shot. You figure it out. Now we're going to have a huge problem. Now I've

got to talk to Brad. We've got to work this out. That's my problem.

Go to therapy like everybody else in Hollywood does.

Scene fruit take one mark.

All right guys, here we go And action

Action guys Action means go you

start. Why doesn't he just say start?

I think action is like movie speak when he was when he just say it then why does

he just say what you got to say action for I didn't go to movie speak school.

There's no school. It's just action. We'll start looking. He should just say

start forward face front

Tomato. Or tomato.

Is it a fruit?

Or a vegetable?

Irregardless, any way you say it, it should not be used as a weapon.

Kids, use words, not watermelons, to solve your differences.

And remember, Police and produce are your friends.

Put your finger up.

Wait,

wait, wait.

I'm going to kill myself for doing this. Jenny!

Jenny!

Shit!

Sorry. Sorry.

Hi.

Oh, you're at the wrong house. Sorry.

Hey! Oh my gosh, she's gorgeous!

We need a real take, I don't think we got a real take.

Everybody with a joke, you're right.

See, you got your luggage.

Bet.

I'm so sorry.

Just go back.

Just go back, just go back.

It's been a long day.

Better come to bed, sweetie.

Okay, no.

Just come on. I'll rub you.

Your back is going to stick to me.

Let's go to Sweden and get the operation.

Go to Sweden and get the operation? What operation?

Penis enlargement.

Come on, I'll massage you.

Come on, we'll play... Don't be that way. We'll play Sultan and his

followers. Come on, I'll be the Sultan.

Come on, I'll rub you like a Turkish bath boy. Come.

Soltan and his father.

Soltan and his father.

Stop laughing!

Get it, get it, get it.

What?

Action!

My daughter got a couple of guys

Why is that so funny to me?

What is the guy saying?

You're a whole session of a psychologist

Let's get the end of it.