Original subtitles

Kids, when you're in your 20s, dating is great. But by the time you reach your

30s, you find out pretty fast everyone has baggage.

Sure, you can stick to the small talk and pretend it's not there, but sooner

or later... It's my ex.

Sorry, we're trying to remain friends.

Hi, Pumpkin.

Did you get our tickets to Maui?

Yeah, it's there.

That spring, I just started dating a girl named Royce.

She was smart, beautiful, blah, blah, blah. We're very happy together.

But? Exactly.

That's the problem.

Her butt?

What is it? Too much? Too little? Or is it an issue of access?

No. The butt is, there's always going to be a butt. No matter how great things

are going, sooner or later, it's going to get ruined.

When she turns 30?

When I find out what her baggage is. It's there. I don't know what it is.

But when I do, party's over. Whoa.

Ted, please tell me you are not impugning emotional baggage.

Baggage is a good thing?

Emotional baggage is the bedrock of America's most important cultural

export. Porn.

Actually, it's porn.

Only women with major baggage go into porn. Major baggage.

Ted, everyone has baggage. You just gotta look past it. Really?

Because the last time I looked past a girl's baggage, that baggage belonged to

a girl named Stella.

And, oh, I'm drawing a blank here.

How did that work out again?

Here's how it worked out. I asked her to marry me. She said yes. We were happy.

But then the day of the wedding, her karate instructor ex-boyfriend, Tony

Graffinello, showed up, declared his love for her, and Stella ran off with

him to California, leaving me utterly and completely heartbroken.

Ed, look, what happened with Stella was awful, but that doesn't mean anyone with

baggage is undateable. Well, I'm just glad that we met young enough that I

don't have any baggage.

Mother issues.

I do not. Grandmother issues. Definitely do not. Great-grandmother issues. I just

don't like it when she picks me up.

And you know what your biggest baggage is?

You're too nice.

How is being nice baggage?

Have you ever seen you walk down the street?

I don't even know how to answer that.

Well, let me help you out.

Michael. Javier Marcello.

Suzanne.

Hey, dang, let me help you with that.

That ought to do it.

Oh, guys, no, I could not today. It would just be...

That's

normal. There is only one street where that is normal. Here's a hint.

A giant yellow bird lives on it.

Well, I'll be pretty happy if Royce's only baggage is that she's too nice.

Too nice? That is the worst kind of baggage.

Best baggage, hates her dad and thinks she's fat but isn't.

Angry sex on the first date, and then as soon as you mention breakfast, she's

gone.

Why do you guys hang out with me?

That night on my date with Royce, I kept waiting to see what her baggage would

be. So is spaghetti your specialty?

Uh, no.

Uh, the main event is my pancakes.

I'll make them for you sometime. They are insane.

My dad used to make multigrain pancakes.

He's the one who got me working in porn.

You know porn.

Parents offering recreation and nutrition.

It's a charity for inner-city teens who don't have access to sports or healthy

food.

That reminds me.

I killed my brother.

With this joke I told him last night?

A barber, a stripper, and a Jew.

Liard-trained violinist.

Walk into a bar.

I looked and looked and looked, but it really appeared as though there was no

baggage to worry about.

Until we went to go see a movie.

you guys so long? Nothing.

Just forget about it.

We were on our way here and Marshall wanted to stop and help some guys load

their moving van. To be nice, it didn't cost nothing.

And when the moving van drove away, who should show up but the owner of the

apartment? We had just helped some guys rob.

And that one was hard to explain to the police.

See, Marshall, this is what I mean. You can't treat New York City like it's the

small, friendly, crime-free, inbred, backwoods, podunk, cow-tipping,

Minnesota, Hickville, where you grew up.

Crime-free.

Crime-free.

In 1994, the cashier from the feed store was held up at Ho Point.

And besides, I like being friendly, okay? I'm not going to change that about

myself. No, don't change, baby. I think it's sweet.

Sweet, sweet, sweet mother of God he's an idiot sometimes.

He actually lent the burglars gas money.

He gave them money? Not gave.

Lent. They said that they would send us a check, so Marshall gave them our

address.

What's to stop them from coming to our apartment one night and maybe tying me

up? Sure, Marshall and I like to pretend, but the reality is scary.

Why don't you say something to him?

What's the point? He's from Minnesota.

His high school mascot was a hug.

Hey, guys.

Hey, how'd the date with Royce go?

It was interesting.

We went to see that new movie, The Wedding Bride. Oh, how was it?

Not that I care. I mean, that's a chick flick.

This one will probably drag me to it like the...

7-10 show tomorrow night or 940 because they have that meeting that I could

probably get out of it. So let's try for the 7-10.

What's that movie about anyway?

That's the interesting part.

Hey, bonehead.

I'm Jed Mosley.

I'm the most powerful and corrupt architect in New York.

It's about me.

The Wedding Bride is about you?

Yeah. Okay, are you sure it's about you? Because when I saw Spaceballs for the

first time, I could have sworn... This movie is about me, Marshall. It was

written by Tony Graffinello.

Tony Graffinello?

That's the... Yeah, the guy that Stella left me for. This movie is the whole

story of our breakup.

Why would he write a movie about that? Isn't he the bad guy in that story?

Yeah, and the good guy is a guy named Ted Mosby. Funny, that was my memory of

it, too.

But, according to the movie...

Great.

The old ball and chain.

I can't wait to make her move out of her beautiful house in New Jersey and come

live with me in an apartment above a bar. Send her in.

Ah, Stella.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

We're supposed to taste wedding cakes this afternoon.

Remember? Ouch.

No can do'sville, baby doll.

Stunned, right?

That's what passes for comedy these days.

Whoa, I'm falling back in my chair.

Whoa, I'm really falling back in my chair.

A baby.

Okay, that was pretty funny.

What a jerk.

Did he at least get someone hot to play me?

You're not in it.

What a jerk.

No, no, no, no, no. Tony's not a jerk.

Not according to the movie, anyway.

I'm going through with this wedding.

I'm sorry, Tony.

Stella, your happiness is the only thing I care about.

Except for these underprivileged children that I work with for free.

I love him.

It's not that easy, Tony.

Jed Mosley may not be as handsome as you are, as tall as you are. I'm taller than

that guy.

And our sex life is terrible.

Once he even fell asleep while we were doing it. I mean... It was one time. I

was on cold medicine.

Nothing. This is a terrible movie, and it got everything wrong.

Remember how I proposed to Stella?

That spontaneous moment in the arcade, I didn't have a ring, so I gave her a toy

I won from a crane machine?

Oh, that was so sweet. So romantic.

A little cheesy.

Well, here's how it went in the movie.

Look, if it'll shut you up, I guess we can get married.

Aren't you going to give me a ring?

No can do'sville, baby doll.

Here, put this on your finger. Hey!

And remember the two-minute date?

When I squeezed an entire romantic evening into just two minutes to

accommodate Stella's busy schedule?

Oh, Ted, you're such a good guy. That was really nice.

Also a little cheesy.

Well, according to the movie... What about our big romantic weekend?

No can do'sville, baby doll.

All's I got time for is a two-minute date, if you know what I mean.

Sex. Whoa!

Hey,

if you know what you're doing, two minutes is all you need. Run till that.

But the worst, the worst, was the ending. So they're at the wedding.

Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosley to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Whoa, spoilers!

Is what I would say if I ever plan on seeing such an awful film.

Continue.

So they're at the wedding.

I... Stella!

Tony. Tony!

Something I need to say.

A long time ago, I let this beautiful girl named Stella get away.

And now she's with some jerk.

Who doesn't appreciate what he has in this beautiful wedding bride.

What is wrong with you people?

You can't talk to me like that.

I'm Ted Mosley.

Did he say Ted that time? Still,

I promised to make you my wife.

And I'd like to live up to their promise.

Tony, all I've wanted all my life was your love.

I'll go on, honey. Kiss him.

Stella, if you still truly love me, can you let me

make you my wedding bride?

Can, Deuceville baby doll.

Oh my god, that was so good. I'm

laughing. I'm crying.

I know it's all fake

like real characters. It was just so real.

Hey, how come you said oh no when the movie started?

That's when I realized everyone has baggage, including me.

Oh, uh, no reason.

Ted, I think you need to tell Royce the story of what happened with you and

Stella. It's gonna come out eventually.

Why? Why does it even have to?

Well, for starters, it's now the fifth highest grossing movie of all time.

I don't care. I don't care. I'm taking this to the grave. It's a stupid movie

anyway. Sounds terrible.

Kids,

you know where this is going.

Well, she's made her choice.

Don't worry.

I won't go to the wedding. Oh, you'll go, all right.

I'm going to drive you there myself and make you watch.

The coat.

This is exactly how it happened. He got every part right, even the thing with

the nunchucks.

So I was resolved to put the wedding bride as far behind me as possible.

Unfortunately... Oh, how great was the wedding bride?

Loved it, loved it, loved it, loved it. We're going to see it again tomorrow.

Can we come? Ted, you want to see it again, right?

Yeah, it was good.

Good? Try instant classic.

The only thing wrong with it, and I mean, it's such a minor flaw in an

otherwise flawless film, is I just didn't get why Stella would even want to

marry a guy like Jed Mosley in the first place. I mean, even that guy's name, Jed

Mosley. Come on, Royce, you've dated a few Jed Mosleys in your day.

Well, okay, but who hasn't? He's such a type.

The butterfly tattoo, the way he pronounces encyclopedia.

Encyclopedia.

Totally, totally.

Well, technically that is the correct. I was so, so happy when that loser got

left at the altar. And you know why?

Because he had it coming. And the great part is he is going to live a long, sad

life knowing that he lost his only chance at happiness.

Oh, and what about when he got beat up by the goat?

public humiliation. What a hoot!

It may be years before he can look certain family members in the eye again.

He may be so emotionally traumatized he never fully loves or trusts anyone ever

again. It's hysterical.

Move over, Adolf Hitler! There's a new king of comedy!

Ted,

are you okay?

No, I just think you all might be interested to learn something about that

movie y'all love so much.

It sucks.

And you're all stupid for liking it.

Wow. That was really mean. I think you owe us an apology.

No can do-sville, baby doll.

No can do-sville.

You said no can do-sville, baby doll?

You actually used Jed Mosley's catchphrase? I know. I was just so upset

that they... How do you know that's his catchphrase? They dragged me to it. I

didn't want to go. I want to see Avatar again. All right, that's it. I'm just

going to move to some country where no one's seen The Wedding Bride. Good luck,

Ted. That movie is worldwide. It's huge.

Maybe North Korea.

Nope. I read that Kim Jong-il said it was his second favorite movie of all

time. Right behind a movie of him riding a horse in slow motion through a field

of turnips.

Sorry, Ted. You're screwed.

No. You know what? No. Ted is not screwed.

Do you guys want to know why I'm nice to everyone?

It's because I don't care about baggage.

I mean, most people, they see another person walking down the street with that

big, heavy bag they're carrying, and they just walk on by. But not me. I look

at them and I say, I say, howdy, stranger.

Can I give you a hand with that? And you know who taught me to be that way?

A guy called Ted Mosby.

A guy who's uncynical and sincere and believed in things. And you know what,

Ted? I believe that deep down, you're still that guy.

I am still that guy.

I think you want to go out there and get that girl. I do want to go out there and

get that girl. Because she's the love of your life. Because she's... Well, okay,

let's... We're three dates in. She seems nice. Because she seems nice. She does

seem nice.

You're right, Marshall.

I gotta go get her.

And I know exactly where she is.

But the wedding's in 15 minutes.

I'll never make it. You can do it, sensei. Go give love a roundhouse kick.

Right in the heart.

You're right. What am I doing?

There's still time.

Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosley to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I... Rice! Stella! Ted?

Tony. Tony! Head?

Barney?

Something I need to say.

Look, there's something I need to say.

A long time ago, I let a horrible girl named Stella break my heart. Get away.

And now she's with this jerk who wrote a movie about it, and that movie is called

The Wedding Bride.

What are you saying?

You can't talk to me like that!

I'm Jed Mosley, but Royce, this doofus in the red cowboy boots, this isn't me.

So, just to be clear, are you saying that you don't have a pair of red cowboy

boots in your closet?

We just, I just wanted, I mean, that's what everyone wants to know. They're

actually more of a burgundy.

Lois, I promised to make you some pancakes.

And I'd like to live up to that promise.

Ted, all I've wanted all week was some pancakes.

Oh, go on, honey.

Kiss him.

Um, Uncle Barney didn't say kiss.

Kiss him. Kiss him.

Kiss him. Still not saying kiss. Kiss him.

You need to leave now.

This is outrageous. Who the kiss are you?

Still. Royce, if you still... If you still truly love me. Kinda like me.

Can you let me make you my wedding bride?

Can you let me make you some pancakes?

Candice Bell, baby doll.

Is this?

Kissing movie's over anyway.

Hey,

um... That stuff that happened to me... It was pretty rough.

I'm still getting over it.

Let me help you with that.

And just like that, kids, my baggage didn't seem quite so heavy anymore.

You see, everyone's got some baggage.

It's part of life.

But like anything else, it's easier when someone gives you a hand with it.

Wow,

it feels so good to have told you all that stuff about me. I'm really glad I

can open up to you.

Ted, it's not that big of a deal.

Heck, I've been left at the altar.

Three times.

The last time was because I blew all our money on online poker.

That's why I live with my brother now.

Wait, I thought you said you had a tiny studio apartment.

Yep, just the two of us. You should see how he hogs the covers.

Yeah,

you gotta go.