Original subtitles

Kids, on a warm March evening in 2010, a New York City police boat pulled a 34

-year-old white male out of the Hudson River.

Your Uncle Barney. All right, kid, let's hear the story from the beginning.

Well, it all started a week ago.

I was making time at the local watering hole.

Enter a Dave.

Nothing sexier than a man in a fine cravat.

Except for a woman who appreciates a fine cravat.

How about we just call it a tie?

You see, a cravat is a kind of tie. I get it.

Anyway, next thing you know, I get her back to my place.

Barney, when I get in bed with a man...

My body becomes a machine fueled by desire, lust, and a singular hunger to

satisfy my lover's every carnal need.

Good thing the cleaning lady's coming tomorrow.

Well, good night.

What? Wait, what?

I thought your body was going to become a machine fueled by desire, lust, and a

singular hunger to satisfy my every carnal need.

No.

are hitting our stride as a news team all credit goes to this lady on my left

that story you did on which rodents to avoid on the subway the answer may

surprise you it's all of them i gotta run okay i'll see you it's good to meet

you yeah you too okay bye don okay robin that guy is awesome

he's funny he's smart he's handsome you gotta scoop him up before someone else

does i hope you're not talking about you It has been four months since you broke

up with Barney.

Maybe it's time to put yourself back out there.

Yeah, exactly. Barney's dating again, and he couldn't be happier. I couldn't

be more unhappy.

All night long, she's hot and heavy for me. I get her back to my place, and she

just bolts.

I mean, at least when I run out on a girl, I have the common courtesy to

sleep with her first. It's called manners.

Sounds like she read that book. Of course you're still single. Take a look

at yourself, you dumb slut.

What? It's this book that helps single girls find a husband.

It's Robin's copy. I've just, I've leafed through it a little bit. No,

really.

He's sitting right here.

Okay, okay, okay.

Fine.

Barney, when you were with this girl, did she suddenly slip the word sex into

conversation?

I'm in the intersection, and I only have a couple of sex before the light

changes, and everyone's honking at me, and it totally sucks.

But I can't turn around because a jogger slipped and fell in horse sexcrement.

Go on. Go on.

Did she make excuses to establish physical contact with you?

Is this cashmere?

Cashmere? This is hand-spun virgin merino. The fibers in this suit are less

than 12 microns thick.

12 microns?

I'd love a tiny fiber.

Well, you're in luck, because mine's the tiniest.

And the more you touch it, the softer it gets.

She did that, too.

Now, here's the final test.

Next time you see her, ask her out for the following night. The book says

that's forbidden, so she'll probably give you some lame excuse like this.

Ooh, I can't do anything tomorrow night. I've already made plans to clean my

garbage disposal and treat myself to a bubble bath. But how about next week

sometime? Aha!

You're trying that? Of course you're still single. Take a look at yourself,

you dumb slut. Crap on me.

It's not crap.

Of course you're still single. Take a look at yourself, you dumb slut. It's a

brilliant book.

And it scares away guys who are only interested in getting laid.

Why not just say you have a kid?

You'd be surprised how many jerks there are out there.

That's why the book says never sleep with a guy on the first date. Totally.

Or the second date. Of course. Or the third date. Well... Or the fourth date.

Well, just tell me how many dates.

Seventeen.

Excuse me, is anyone using this?

It is no sex until after 17 dates. Barney, if you're not going to take her

out on 17 dates, I think you should just give it up.

Oh, no.

I'm not the one who's going to give it up. She is.

Because thanks to Ted's book... That's Robin's. It's Robin's book. I can stay

two steps ahead of her at all times. There's a loophole in here somewhere,

and I'm going to find it.

Hello? Hey, Robin.

Hey, Don.

Listen, uh... Do you want to go out Saturday night?

Saturday night. Did she ask you out?

Say yes. Say yes. Look, Don, um, listen, it's really sweet of you to ask, and

you're a great guy.

Yes, I will go out with you.

Robin, are you okay?

Um, I just have a little cold. That's probably what you're hearing, but

Saturday night sounds great.

We can even go to a steakhouse, and you can bring home some prime rib from our

shred bar show. Okay, I'm gonna go. Love you. Bye.

Robin, you've got to do this, okay? A great guy like Don is rare.

And speaking of rare, prime rib. Don't forget. Thank you.

Oh, my God. I don't believe it.

Guys, this is her.

She wrote the book.

Huh. Her name must be Anita.

Okay. My plan was to sleep with her. But this changes everything.

New plan.

I'm going to sleep with her.

Boy, this girl that Barney's going after, she kind of sounds like the anti

-Barney. I love how the universe decided to bring those two together.

Actually, Anita's going after Barney because I told her to.

Wait, you sicked Anita on Barney? How do you even know her? She was on my show.

But, um, if you had to summarize your book in 30 words or less?

I'll summarize it in one word, Robin.

And that word is no.

By saying no constantly and consistently, you empower yourself while

simultaneously turning any jerk into a submissive, sniveling puddle of a man.

And isn't that every girl's dream?

After the break, we're going to talk about your new book. Of course you don't

have a retirement plan yet. Take a look at yourself, you dumb slut.

Do out in June.

We'll be right back.

We're clear.

You guys want any coffee?

Oh, you know what, Mike? That'd be great.

You?

No.

What about you, Robin? You dating anyone?

Oh, dating's not really my bag right now.

Uh-oh.

Did somebody break your heart?

And then I told her everything. It just came pouring out. And by the end of it,

she said... This Barney needs to be taught a lesson.

You say the word and I will destroy him.

What do you mean?

I can use the power of no to break your friend Barney.

Just say the word.

Come on, that stuff doesn't really work, does it? I didn't know what you wanted.

I got you a cappuccino, an espresso, a latte, a decaf.

Oh, hi, Robin. And this is a Turkish coffee.

Thank you, Mike.

Think about it. I didn't think I was gonna think about it, but then I thought

about it. Oh, this Pilates instructor was off the charts.

Picture Robin, but younger.

And bigger boobs.

Maybe not bigger, but more shapely.

And bigger.

Hello? I get her up against the Stairmaster, and we... Do it.

Spoilers.

Anyway, we do it. It's done.

Thank you, Michael.

Look, I know it was stupid. But you have to understand, back then, I was still

really upset about the breakup.

I was going through my mourning period.

There was a lot of scotch and a lot of long nights at the shooting range.

I hope those weren't the same nights.

Jeezily. It's not like I remember all of them.

Hey, babe.

Did you know that Robin was going through a mourning period?

I mean, she seemed fine after the breakup.

Oh, you know how she is. She tries to keep her emotions to herself.

But yeah, I caught her crying a couple times.

She cried?

Like real tears?

What that means?

Oh, no.

And then Marshall realized what a jackass he'd been to Robin.

Exactly. Barney's dating again, and he couldn't be happier.

I mean, that guy has been active.

And he's just been like, bang, bang, bang, you know?

How

could

you let me do that?

You're my wife. You're supposed to stop me from embarrassing myself in public.

Damn it.

I've read that thing cover to cover and I can't find a loophole. What am I going

to do?

Well, there is one other option, but you're not ready.

Tell me.

Well, if you have to seal the deal in just one date, it's got to be one doozy

of a date, right?

I'm not talking dinner and a movie. I'm not talking mini golf.

I'm talking 17 dates worth of romance wrapped up into one incredible night.

I'm talking about a super date.

A super date? That sounds kind of lame.

What if we call it a mega date? If you want my help, it's a super date. Leave

it to me.

I'll plan the whole thing. You're going to plan the whole thing?

I bet it'll be all gooey and romantic.

Gooey and romantic?

Gooey and romantic?

Barney. You don't have to take her to Paris or Peru.

Uh, Ted, what are you doing?

You just have to make her understand.

Ted, people are looking at us.

What she means to you.

Oh, God, really? You're really going to do this right now?

On your super date.

Troubles of the world will simply have to wait

For wonders and amazement served up on a silver

plate Hurry up now, don't be late Cause hand in

hand you'll find a land Where

paradise awaits

And then, boom!

Fireworks over the Manhattan skyline.

You kiss her.

And that's your super date.

That sounds gooey and romantic.

Yeah.

strip club strip club finally the night of the big dates arrived so tonight's

the big night where's the d-bag taking you that's not a good nickname for dawn

i'll think of a better one you know that i just i canceled what do you mean you

wait hey hey what's up robin canceled her date what she was totally psyched

for it like an hour ago robin sherbatsky

You look like the classiest, most expensive prostitute ever.

Aw, thank you.

Uh, Ticket, you're excited to go out with Don?

You know what? I kind of am.

Don't tell Marshall. I won't. I bet you'll have a nice time tonight.

Not, however, a super time. A super time will be had by Barney on his date with

Anita. Yep.

Carriage ride, dinner at Le Tombeau des Coulottes.

They're calling it a super date, so...

How could you do that?

Robin just got over her mourning period.

She seemed so happy after the breakup. Oh, Ted.

So unobservant. Such a guy.

She was obviously crushed.

Wait, but that would mean... Oh, no.

And then I realized what a jackass I'd been to Robin.

Hey,

what's she singing? Just a little ditty I wrote about how many girls Barney's

been banging lately.

Well, count me in for a verse.

Great!

No! Oh, God.

Where is she? I think she's in the restroom.

Oh, no. Guys, guys, I'm fine.

Hey.

Dude,

how would you do that?

Because. I'm angry at you, I'm angry at me, I'm angry at Ted, and frankly, I'm

still angry at the Empire.

Why are you angry at me?

Dude, you've been a real jerk in front of Robin while she's been going through

her mourning period.

Mourning period? She hasn't been going through any mourning period.

I'm so unobservant. Such a guy.

Barney, sit down. You need to hear some stuff.

What? Is she upset or something? Of course she's upset. Take a look at

yourself, you dumb slut.

And then Aunt Lily told Barney every excruciating detail of what he hadn't

been seeing since the breakup.

You should have seen this girl.

Bang, ping, pa-dow, ga-donk. Okay, I'm leaving.

So, we get up to my place.

I can't believe Robin's been so upset.

I can't believe he threw up in your Stormtrooper helmet.

Eh, I did something worse in it after the Phantom Menace premiere.

So she's... Been this way ever since we broke up?

Actually, she was doing much better until you decided to go on this stupid

super date with Anita.

And now she's off sulking God knows where.

I know where.

Hey.

Hey, Marty. What's up?

I thought you were, um, going on some big date.

Robin, I know you're upset.

What? No.

I've never been happier.

And this Anita sounds lovely. I am so glad that you two just randomly happened

to find each other. It just warms my freaking heart.

So you sure you're not upset?

Of course I'm upset, Barney.

Did you see how constantly talking about your conquest makes me feel like I'm

just another number to you? But you're not just another number to me. And now

you're taking Anita, who you barely know on this amazing date, when I never got

treated that way.

It just... It just sucks, that's all. It just sucks.

Wow.

I knew I was bad at being a boyfriend, but I had no idea I'd be so much worse

at being an ex-boyfriend.

I'm sorry.

What can I do to make it up to you?

Nothing, Barney. You've already proven that I'm not important to you. Oh, stop

it. I'm serious.

Ask me for anything.

Uh, okay.

Um, don't sleep with Anita.

Done. Barney.

Of course you're going to sleep with her. Why else would you be taking her on

this super date?

She's not going on this super date, Robin.

You are.

Your uncle Barney finally gave Aunt Robin the super date she truly deserved.

With a guy she truly deserved.

Of course, there was still one loose end.

Barney!

Oh, hey, Anita. I totally meant to call you. Well, I'm breaking all my rules

coming down here, but nobody stands me up like that, so are we going out or

what?

I'm sorry. I made a promise to a friend.

I have to say no.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

You're trying the no thing on me.

You really think that's going to work?

Because it won't.

Okay, how about this? I'll cut you a deal.

Maybe you might get lucky after the 12th date.

No. The 11th date? No. Fifth date? No.

Tonight? No.

Tonight before dinner? No.

How about you? You interested?

Yeah.

Come on, Barney.

I'm sorry, Anita.

The answer is no.

Well, good.

Because my answer is no, too.

Okay, here's my final offer.

And that's my story.

Well, here's a $500 ticket for jumping in the river.

I hope it was worth it.

I hope so, too.

That's not true.

That's an old wives tip. Oh, hey.

Robin. Hey.

How'd the big date go?

Uh, pretty well.

Pretty, uh, pretty well.

Like how pretty well?

Oh, guys.

Guys, come on.

It was fine.

You know, it was nice.

We had a good time.

Let's just, uh, let's just leave it at that, okay?

Although, um...

One interesting thing did happen. I said a bang, bang, bangity bang. I said a

bang, bang, bangity bang. A bang, bang, bangity bang. A bang, bang, bangity

bang. I said a bang, bang, bangity bang. A bang, bang, bangity bang. A bang,

bang, bangity bang.

A bang, bang, bangity bang.