Original subtitles

Kids, in many of my stories, I'm a starry-eyed romantic on a noble search

for true love.

In this one, I'm just a jerk.

Well, guys, tonight is the night.

I'm inviting Tiffany up to my place to see my antique camera collection.

It's Ted's bait.

Bait? A true gentleman invents a pretense to lure an honorable lady into

his apartment. Some item of interest or beauty you can both pretend to admire

for five minutes before she hops on your disco stick.

Right, she's coming up to borrow a book or check out an album on vinyl. Or to

see your new rap poster.

Rap poster?

Who would that work on?

It was the first week of college. I was really into Wu-Tang Clan.

Yeah, bait is tricky.

It has to be something interesting enough to get the girl upstairs, but not

so interesting that it overpowers the night.

I found that a slot machine was too fun.

And a trampoline...

Turned out to be too dangerous.

But then I found the perfect bait.

A teacup pig.

A teacup pig?

Who's that working on?

Can I borrow your teacup pig? Yes, you can borrow my teacup pig.

You have a teacup pig? Oh my gosh, I can't believe you have a teacup pig.

She's so cute. Yes, you are the cutest piggy ever.

What?

Were you always this pretty?

Are you going to give me that whole, oh, in high school I was really shy and

awkward line?

I was shy and awkward.

I was like 100 pounds heavier and I had these crazy buck teeth.

Seriously? No.

I've always been hot.

What are you going to do?

Do you know who else would love this teacup pig?

Hmm?

My boyfriend.

You have a boyfriend?

Ugh, I know. So annoying, right? I mean, he's not really my boyfriend.

Oh, good.

I mean, technically, he kind of is.

Well, is he or isn't he?

Some of both, but definitely not neither.

Are you getting any of this?

Look, I really like you.

I just need you to be patient.

I don't want to lose you, big brown eyes.

Yep. Somebody doesn't want to lose big brown eyes.

Oh, Ted, she's got you on the hook.

What? What? I'm not on the hook. Oh, you are totally on the hook. She's stringing

you along, but she's not committing to you, but she's keeping you around just

in case, like an old can of chili in the pantry.

Um, who's buying canned chili and not eating it immediately?

Amen, sister.

Ted, don't feel bad. We've all been there. I've been on both sides of it.

I've been a hooky and a hooker.

Move past it, guys.

I've been a little bit loose, but money never changed hands.

I've been on the hook.

Lisa Walker.

Picture it.

1994, St. Cloud, Minnesota.

So, I was, like, thinking, Lisa, do you maybe want to, like, go

out with me?

That sounds great.

But I'm sort of seeing this guy.

He's got a little barren convertible and an in-it-the-roller ink, so I'd hate to

burn that bridge.

I understand.

But how about this?

You could be my secret boyfriend who does all my homework for me.

All right.

You want to see my rat poster?

Poster whore.

Anyway, Lisa Walker.

strung me along for months until one night i went to go tell her how much i

loved her in song she wasn't home yet so i waited

and waited i woke

up four hours later covered in snow and that's when i saw it

lisa's footsteps

She had walked right over me and into the house.

It was the best thing that could have happened. It got me off her hook. Okay,

that is definitely not what's going on with me and Tiffany.

Listen to this.

I'm really into you.

I just can't be with you right now.

Eh?

Eh? Ted, right now is the classic on-the-hook catchphrase. Yep.

right now paints a picture of some sort of magical future time when everything

will work out but the truth is that will never happen it's like this i can't be

with you boom right now

yeah i think my high school boyfriend scooter is still sort

of on the hook for me sort of he totally is the poor guy showed up at our wedding

hoping to win you back yeah it's still sometimes weird when i see him at work

wait what

Scooter works in the school cafeteria. We've talked about this.

Hey, Lily, nice dress.

Tater tots?

We most certainly have not talked about this.

Yes, we have. I've mentioned it tons of times. Lunch lady Scooter.

I thought that you were referring to some sort of long overdue device that

carries around those poor, underappreciated lunch ladies.

This explains a lot.

lunch lady scooter was there again today oh yeah did you jump on that thing give

it a ride really if it were me i'd be riding that scooter all day long so i

broke that thing in half so those poor women still have to walk everywhere wait

scooter is working at your school are you jealous

No, I just feel bad for Scooter. Because the only reason he took that job is he

thinks he has a shot with you. You have to make it clear that he doesn't so that

he can move on and a real lunch lady can get her job back. Damn.

I've tried.

Hey, Lily.

I saw you have seventh period free.

So do I.

You want to run away together?

Let me be clear, Scooter.

There's no way you and I can ever be together.

Right now.

I'll see you tomorrow, Lily.

It's Tijuana Tuesday.

Right now?

You right now'd Scooter?

You need to let Scooter off the hook once and for all. You're right. Day

after tomorrow, that's exactly what I'm gonna do. Why not tomorrow?

Baby, I can't ruin Tijuana Tuesday.

Really? You're really gonna sit here all night watching the door because Tiffany

said she'll try to stop by?

Barney, I'm not gonna just give up on her. I should have given up on her.

This girl is special.

She was the devil.

Things are gonna work out with Tiffany.

No, they're not, dumbass.

Ted, let me be clear. This girl is a poison, and you need to cut her out of

your life forever.

Hey, there she is.

Oh, she brought some of her co-workers.

Hang on to this girl, Ted.

Hang on to her and never let go.

Ted, these are some of the hottest girls I've ever seen. And they all work with

Tiffany? Yep.

There can only be one explanation for this.

Ted, is Tiffany a pharmaceutical sales rep?

Yeah, how did you know that? And you never thought to mention that?

What? It's just a job.

Just a... Just a... Ted,

throughout time, there has always been one cutting-edge profession to which hot

girls like Tiffany have flocked. Shall I walk you through the history? I'm

explicitly saying no. It all started 2.5 million years ago.

Man was a hunter.

So the hottest profession of the day?

Gatherer. Homo erectus, indeed.

As man mastered technology, the hottest profession of the day evolved.

I'm pretty sure it's a hernia. Can you check again?

And then man took to the skies.

And so hot women put on high heels and became stewardesses.

I am in the upright and locked position.

And then man said, life is hard.

i should start taking lots of prescription drugs and so hot girls

rolled into doctor's offices looking sexy enough to render the very erection

pills they peddled ironically redundant so now pharma girls are today's hottest

profession hey big brown eyes how you doing i'm good

hey by the way you uh you ditched that loser boyfriend yet no sir

touch my nose

Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the barnacle in a pharma girl free-for-all.

Side effects may include loss of clothing, rug burn, shortness of breath,

and sore abdominals the next morning. What in the world is up?

Hey.

So, I know that you've been having trouble letting Scooter off the hook.

I decided what you need is practice. Now, you say the problem is his cute,

sad eyes?

Well...

All right, shut it, woman. Now, I want you to look at this teacup pig and tell

him that there's no way that you could ever be with him.

Teacup pig, there is no way I can ever be with you.

Right now. Oh, come on, grow a pair.

I'm sorry. Sorry, but he's just so freaking cute.

I just want to cuddle him all day long. Yes, I do.

Yeah, it's funny. I remember when you used to say things like that about me.

Oh, I still do.

Yeah. Not as much, Lily.

Not as much.

Ain't no party like a farmer girl party, because a farmer girl party don't stop.

Dude, I have already hooked up with three of them.

Phantasmo. Plus, my cholesterol is down.

My restless leg syndrome is cured. I've never felt more alive.

Guys, great news.

Tiffany broke up with her boyfriend.

Proof that I am not on the hook. Oh, you're still on the hook.

Uh-uh. Listen to how we spent last night.

First, we cuddled.

Then, we shared chocolate cake.

Then, well, I don't usually join in on locker room talk, but I gave her a

pretty sensual foot.

And let me guess, it didn't go any further than that.

Well, no.

And tell me, did you by any chance make that chocolate cake?

It was a mix. Dude, there's no shame in admitting it, Ted. We've all been on

people's hooks, and we've all kept someone on the hook.

Um, I most certainly have not.

What? Are you joking?

What about that girl from the university library, Henrietta?

Henrietta and I are just friends. She is so on your hook. Absolutely not.

She totally was.

I mean, we cuddled.

We shared chocolate cake.

She gave me foot rubs. Long ones.

I'm not proud, kids.

You like having Henrietta around for the same reason that Tiffany likes having

you around. It's a nice little ego boost.

No wonder you're such an expert about keeping people on the hook. What about

that poor camera guy you work with? Mike and I are just friends. Come on.

Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.

Robin, have you ever thought about taking us to the next level?

Well, if you're talking about doing my laundry, I'm on board.

You got yourself a deal.

Not keeping Mike on the hook. You are Captain Hook.

Dude, I'm a girl, okay? Our girl parts are like a spider web. Sometimes you're

going to catch stuff you don't want.

That doesn't make it okay.

Oh, and Henrietta's in no way wasting her time with you, right?

Henrietta knows that we're just friends. In fact, I'm going to call her up and

hang out with her tonight as friends.

Hey, Ted. Hey. I love you.

What? Do you want a foot massage? Because I've been practicing on myself.

No, I'm good.

I didn't know if you were hungry, so I just threw together some. It's not a big

deal.

Kids, looking back, I don't know how I didn't see that Henrietta was madly in

love with me.

Hello.

Hey, Ted.

Hey, Tiffany.

I'm going out of town this weekend for my friend's wedding.

Want to be my date?

I would love to. Hey, what are you doing right now? Oh, God, no.

Awesome. Okay, I'll see you in, like, ten minutes?

Great.

Sorry, Henrietta. Something came up.

Take a rain check, pal?

Yeah, that's no problem.

All right.

Oh, you're strong.

What a jerk.

Henrietta, I... Wait, where did Ted go? I thought we were finally going to get

to meet him. Yeah, something came up, okay, Mom?

I told you there was no Ted.

So there I was, at one of the surest signs of taking a relationship to the

next level.

An out-of-town wedding.

It was finally happening.

Champagne? Ted, oh my gosh, I forgot to call you.

Well, whatever it is you wanted to talk about, we can talk about it now.

Um,

this is Jack. He's the best man at the wedding.

We just got back together.

You know, now that I think about it, a phone call would have been nice.

You're Ted?

But I hear you make a mean chocolate cake.

Isn't he great?

And he's in a band.

Come on, Lily. You have to get Scooter off the hook. Now try again.

Teacup pig.

I don't want to be with you.

Man up.

Take a peek.

I don't want to be with you.

Ever.

Finish him. We will never be together in any sort of sexual way ever again.

Nice.

Sort of weird thing to say to a pig. Felt really wrong.

I just don't think you and I are gonna work.

Right now.

And that's when it hit me.

I was on the hook.

I also realized... I miss this so much, baby.

Tiffany was on this guy's hook. It was a vicious cycle.

Henrietta was on my hook. And years later, I found out this poor bastard was

on Henrietta's hook.

You know what?

We're not gonna work.

Ever.

I'm done.

And it's really better for the circulation if you need the arches with

your thumbs. Now I'm done.

Marshall, I can do this by myself.

Okay, well, then prove it.

And, um... Grab me a pudding.

Listen up, Scooter.

There is no way...

you and I will ever be together.

Right now!

Marshall! I'm sorry, but he's adorable.

Listen, I don't want to be with you.

Right now!

Hang in there, Scoots. I'm not going to live forever.

Last night I was with this pharma girl who was so hot you should call a doctor

if you don't have an erection for more than four hours. Am I right, people?

Yeah, there's no people. Just the girl you most recently dated.

Hey, Barney.

I want you to meet the newest farmer girl.

Gladys Reynolds. Nice to make your acquaintance. I represent statins and

other cholesterol-lowering drugs.

Come on, girl. Let's go get our drink on.

It's over.

What's over?

Farmer girls are no longer exclusively hot chicks.

It's the end of an era. You're being a little dramatic.

Am I?

It starts out with a Gladys.

Next thing you know, a few not-so-fabulous gay guys enter the

ranks. And before you know it, pharma girls look like the crew on a Southwest

flight from Albuquerque to Little Rock.

It's over!

So that night, I went straight to Henrietta's, all set to let her off the

hook.

This is Jack. He's the best man at the wedding.

I'm done.

Yes! The answer is yes!

No! Oh.

It gets worse.

It's perfect!

Mom! Dad!

Ted proposed!

Oh my God!

Oh, son!

Yeah, well, there's been a... No.

What did you do?

I seriously considered just marrying her out of sheer awkwardness.

But I did what I had to do.

I did what anyone keeping someone on the hook should do.

I broke her heart.

Henrietta, I'm sorry if this is blunt, but I think I owe you this.

I don't want to be with you.

Right now?

Ever.

But we're still getting married, right?

It was brutal.

Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.

Honesty is tough, but in the end, it is the far kinder alternative.

Yeah.

Hey, sweetie.

Hey, Mike.

I have to tell you something.

Wait, did you finish my delicates?

Got one more load.

Ah, it can wait.

I... Hey.

Hey, how's it going?

Still in mourning over the end of the Pharma Girl era?

No. I realized that their reign had to end to make room for some new hot girl

profession.

Maybe it'll be intergalactic communications officer on a rocket ship

to some distant solar system we can't possibly imagine.

Maybe it'll be meter maids. We just don't know.

But one thing is sure.

The future glows like a giant sun shooting amber rays of

light into our hearts and minds.

Wow. What changed your mind? The realization that hope springs eternal,

Robin.

That and this little bottle of purple pills I found in my couch cushion.

I don't know what they are but they are amazing.