Original subtitles

Kids, I remember one time we all gathered in my apartment to watch the

Super Bowl.

Well, not all of us.

Welcome back to Super Bowl 44 in Miami.

Get a load of that guy.

You think that's his real number?

Well, that explains where Barney is. Zip's on his wings.

Hey, guys. Hey.

Does anyone know who won the Super Bowl?

You were there. It was the... I won because I am now in possession of a

magic phone that always rings. And do you know who's always usually on the

other end? A chick.

So how many chicks do I have calling me now?

Infinity.

You guys remember Ranjit.

Hello. Hey, Ranjit. Good to see you. I've enlisted Ranjit's services as my

personal driver because for the next week, I'll be sleeping with hundreds of

women. And I don't want to take the subway because, you know, germs.

Wait, you're actually going to hook up with these girls that call you?

Oh, indubitably.

I'm meeting the first one here any minute. Keep your eyes peeled for a red

sweater. Based on her texts, she's dirty, dyslexic, and wants to 96 me.

Semicolon, end parentheses.

This ought to be good. I can only imagine the quality of girl that you

are. Oh, my God, you are the guy from the Super Bowl.

Magic phone, guys.

Magic phone.

Hey, guys. Hey, Ranjit.

Hey. How's it going? That beard looks a little flat.

That's scotch. Whoa.

Something troubling you, kiddo?

Don. Don was Aunt Robin's co-host on her morning show.

Now, even though her show was on so early that no one watched, Aunt Robin

was a consummate professional.

But Don was not. Oh, yeah.

But that morning, Don had gone too far. Now, that's what I call having a woof

over your head.

Don?

Don? Why is Uli's gold in every crossword?

Oh, it's me? Sorry. Sorry.

Next Sunday is Valentine's Day, and one lucky patient will be receiving a very

special chocolate heart, a human heart.

Oh, hey, that reminds me. I have a meeting to ask you. Robin, do you have

any Valentine's Day plans?

He asked you out? He asked me out. That's crazy.

And they use Yuli because of the vowels.

What did you say?

Well, we were on the air. I was on the spot, so I said okay.

Robin, you're going to marry this guy so freaking hard.

Right in the butt.

No, I hate Don.

And now I can't cancel because I said I would go out with him on the air.

What would your viewer think?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You said you'd go out with him on Valentine's? I thought we

had plans.

Getting drunk and cleaning the apartment was a plan?

I did not say it was a good plan.

Guys, guys, guys. We're on me now. And it is getting interesting.

Look at these texts.

Read this one.

Yowza! Now look at this one.

Does she text her mother with those fingers?

Now look at this one.

Or this one.

Or this one.

Or this one. Okay, okay, okay, buddy. How about you do this?

Go nail that girl, then read your texts.

I can't do that, Ted.

I just can't hook up with a girl if there is a hotter girl out there with

whom up can be hooked.

Isn't there always a hotter girl? I know.

Isn't it wonderful?

Go for Barney. Cut to the chase. What's your cup size?

Oh, hi, Mom.

It's always a hotter girl.

Isn't that the problem in a nutshell? There's too many options. You got

Internet dating, you got bars.

Holding up your phone number on national TV.

I never had that problem.

When I was 18, I had an arranged marriage. And I love my wife more and

more every day.

It is true. It's very rare that two people just meet and fall madly in love.

Like Robin and Don. Oh, we're not even, like, going out for dinner. We're just

hanging out at his place.

No, it's not like that. It's just us and a bunch of other people.

Hey,

Robin, what exactly did Don say when he asked you out?

I'm having some friends over to my place for a little party. You should come by

if you want.

Uh, um, okay.

Robin, Don didn't ask you out.

Oh. course he asked me out uh no he didn't yes he did he did he did

he did okay well dog my cats i think i know what's going on here robin

did you want on to ask you out What?

No, I hate Don.

I can't stop thinking about how much I hate him. It's like all the time. I just

want to attack him and rip his stupid clothes off and spank him with this

little paddle until his bum's all red.

Shut up!

See? That right there is what free will gets you. Constant, ego-shattering

uncertainty. I'm done with that. I want what Ranjeet has.

I've spent my entire adult life looking for the perfect woman, and I'm spending

Valentine's Day scrubbing the toilet. I need someone else to find me that woman.

Marshall? Lily?

Arranged marriage me.

Or this one.

Or this one.

Or this one.

You want us to arrange your marriage? Absolutely. Look, there's two sides to

dating, right? Picking and getting picked.

Getting picked, I'm good at.

Ladies love Teddy Westside.

You're waiting for me to comment on your self-assigned nickname.

Well, here's my comment.

I love it. Really? Teddy Westside? Continue.

It's the picking I suck at. I picked the wrong girls.

But you guys, you're the best pickers I know. You picked each other.

Oh, well, with a slight assist from the Wesleyan housing department. And a

healthy splash of Drakkar Noir.

Get out there. Find me a girl. We'll double date on Valentine's Day. If I

like her, I will marry her. If she's cool with it. And she will be.

Because I'll wear my nice blazer.

I love that blazer almost as much as Robin loves Don. I do not love Don.

Robin, neurologically speaking, the part of the human brain that makes you hate

people is located right next to the part of the brain that makes you want to jump

people's bones. The two responses are so similar, it's hard to tell them apart.

You know what it's like?

Wait, I have to get a book.

Give me 30 seconds.

Okay, this is fun.

Look at this picture.

It's a rabbit.

You can look at it for hours and be absolutely sure it's a rabbit.

But then one day, you look at it and you realize, wait a second, it's a duck.

It's a rabbit. It's a duck.

Rabbit, duck, rabbit, duck.

Isn't this fun?

It sure was.

Relationships are like that. I mean, look, when you first met Don, you hated

him. You thought, this guy's a duck. But one of these days, you're going to

realize this is actually something that I love.

He's a rabbit. Whoa. I think you got it backwards there, buddy.

The duck is the thing you love.

The rabbit is the thing you hate.

What? Yeah, I got to agree.

Ducks up, rabbits down. Definitely ducks are better than rabbits. Are you good?

Ducks are... Ducks are...

Rabbits are adorable.

Ducks are... Have you ever been in a fight with a duck? I mean, ducks are

jerks. This led to one of the most intense arguments our group has ever

had.

Duck is delicious.

Rabbit is all gamey. We're not talking about flavor, Tad. Flavor counts!

Who carries around a duck's foot for good luck? Anyone?

You wrap yourself in a comforter stuffed with rabbit hair. I'll wrap myself in

one stuffed with duck...

Feathers! Who's close here? No, no, no, no, no, no!

Hold on! I have to get another book!

Then why don't we take a rabbit, a duck, stick them in a

cardboard box, and let them fight it out? Because it's illegal, Ted! Only if

we bet on it, Marshall!

Say it.

You have to say it.

Ducks are good.

Rabbits are bad.

Yes!

Thank you, and Don is and always will be a rabbit.

Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that, Robin. Think about it. Don.

Donald.

Donald.

Wonder does Donald Duck never wear?

Pants. Pants.

Don's a duck.

Permission to say lawyered? I'll allow it.

Lawyered.

Yes, kids, sometimes there's a fine line between love and hate.

Case in point.

There is no place I would rather be and no one I'd rather be with.

I should get that.

Go for Barney.

Look, I'm sort of in the middle of someone, something, right now, and I...

You're a hot lady bullfighter?

You gotta go.

McLaren's pub.

McLaren's pub.

Well, hello.

There is no place I would rather be, and no one I would rather be...

Would you excuse me for one moment?

Go for Barney. Look, I... You're a gold medalist Japanese figure skater?

Adios, muchacha!

McLaren's pub.

McLaren's pub.

Well, hello.

No place I'd rather be, no one I'd rather... Oh, for Kate's sake!

You're a hot chick?

Sayonara.

McLaren's pub!

I realize that you're very busy, so just get straight to the point.

Okay.

And

that's

my bad leg.

Very bad.

Are you okay?

Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?

Don't throw Barney. Barney had been sure that phone was something he loved. But

now he realized it wasn't that at all. It was something else entirely.

I'm free.

Ah, now this feels right.

There is no place I would rather be.

And no one I would rather be... What's wrong?

Did you hear that?

Hear what? Shh.

Really? Finally, Valentine's Day arrived. The deadline for Marshall and

Lily to find me a wife.

An important job they had, well, forgotten to do.

Are we supposed to go on a double date with Ted?

Uh, no. He's not seeing anyone. Remember, he asked us to find a... Oh,

no.

Hey! Hey!

Wanna get married?

I don't know what kind of architect house is, building, that kind of crap.

Want to marry my friend Ted? Want to marry my friend Ted? Want to marry my

friend Ted?

What? You can be choosy? You're in a bar on Valentine's Day, huh?

Hey, just real quick. I was... You want to marry my friend Ted?

Man, Ted's right. It's tough out there.

This is stupid.

You know what? We forgot about this. I'm sure Ted did also. Here comes the groom

in his favorite blazer.

Gonna meet my wife and I'm... Laser, taser, gazer... Hey, Ted.

Yeah? Before you go meet your future wife, why don't you swing by Don's party

with me?

That's what you're wearing?

Yeah, why?

He's a duck.

That dude be straight duckin'. And I think that I'll amaze her.

Nailed it!

So we went to Don's party.

Look, Robin, I don't want to crowd you on your little date here, so if things

start to get hot and heavy with Don... They're not going to get hot and... I'm

just saying, if they do, I'll just say, well, I got a dinner, Rez, and then...

Wait, this is the best part. I've been working on this for a while.

I'll duck out.

Ha, ha, ha.

It's not going to happen.

But, yeah, do that.

I don't know. It's something called the naked man.

I read about it on some guy's blog.

My God, I'm so stupid. Why did I ever think it would work on someone like you?

Yeah, because I would never could, like, standard, so, you know.

I thought this was a party.

I only said that to get you to come over here. I didn't think you'd bring a date.

Ted's not my date. He's a friend.

Oh, God, you probably think I'm some kind of playboy now, right?

You could say that.

So he's a rabbit.

At least you know for sure.

Ted, this may hurt a little. I'm recycling your old Architecture Weekly

magazines.

What are you doing? Cleaning.

You go on your date.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, thank God you're here.

Yeah, I've been thinking, um, maybe we should call this whole thing off. No,

Ted. We got her.

What? We got her. It's the craziest thing. We were searching all week and

then a couple hours ago.

Trudy. Married.

Blah, blah. Committed.

Relationship? Bellevue.

Natalie. Ted's her least favorite person in the world.

Well, she's not getting any younger.

Get rid of it.

This phone is cursed.

Cursed, I tell you. I try to ignore it, but it just never stops ringing. It's

ruining my life.

I should get that.

No, please, please, please, Marshall, let me answer it. It could be an

emergency. She could be trapped in a giant bra.

Barney, Barney, let it go to voicemail.

Okay.

We have to find Ted a wife. We're being too choosy. It almost doesn't matter who

it is at this point.

It's a phone girl? I know, I know, but no, then we met her. And Ted, she's a

world-class violinist, she's a gourmet cook, and she can quote every line from

Caddyshack.

Wow.

Hello, Ted.

And what brings you to the Snape of the Woods?

Neck of the Wave, why are you here?

So we all had dinner. And kids, Lily and Marshall's hard work had paid off.

Because that girl was terrific.

In fact... Oh, but Natalia, Teltz had the problem.

Yeah, yeah, tell him, tell him.

Well, unfortunately, I'm going to have to leave the country soon because my

visa is about to expire.

Federal law expressly dictates that a foreign national can't maintain

residency for longer than six months without a work visa.

But when it came down to it... And you, sir, the rabbit or the duck?

What? It's a prefix menu for Valentine's Day, and we're already out of the steak,

fish, and chicken.

So, rabbit or duck?

Rabbit. Sorry, guys. I gotta go.

Why would Ted order rabbit if he was just gonna run out?

I need it back. Where's the phone?

Well, hello.

Oh, I met you already.

Where's the phone?

It's hidden.

Where? Where had Aunt Lily hidden the phone? Well, to answer that question, we

have to back up a little bit.

You go on your date.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Barney's phone?

I wonder how it got in there.

Ted?

Come on, big date.

Yeah, what's the harm?

Hello. And just like that, I was hooked.

Terrific. I will see you there. And I'll be the guy in the awesome blazer.

I think you'll know the blazer when you see it.

I gotta go.

Oh, thank God you're here. So, rabbit or duck?

Rabbit. Sorry, guys. I gotta go.

Well, hello.

Sorry, babe. I gotta take this.

Barney's phone. Teddy Westside speaking.

My phone. I am taking it back. And I'm taking your cool nickname, too. Barney

Westside speaking. I love it so much. It just keeps ringing and ringing and

ringing. Give it to me.

It's mine now. It's mine now. No.

No.

Being single sucks.

Turns you into a crazy person.

I know.

So much running around and freaking out for what?

It's all so you can find someone you can sit on a couch and put off cleaning the

bathroom with.

Well, the joke's on the rest of the world because we can do that on our own.

Exactly. Exactly.

Robin,

I have to apologize. Save it. Let's just do the news.

No, listen.

After you left the other night, I was embarrassed.

Not because I was naked. I'm actually pretty okay with my body.

Clearly.

I got married in college.

I just got divorced three months ago. I have no idea how to be single.

But that's not why I was embarrassed.

I was embarrassed about my behavior right here at Channel... Um... It starts

with a one. I know that... 12.

12? I mean, just look at your mug.

Right.

Well, no, you look at this mug.

You are a tremendous news anchor.

And you deserve a co-anchor who gives a crap.

And from here on out, that's going to be me.

Well, I'll believe that when I see it. Well, you'll see it right now.

I'll go get you some coffee.

Dawn?

You're wearing pants.

Wow, look at that.

Oh, duck.