Original subtitles

In the fall of 2009, a new couple had moved in upstairs.

We hadn't met them yet, but we could hear them.

All the time.

They were always... Well, kids, let's just say they were always playing the

bagpipes.

Okay, this is ridiculous. I can't believe those two are still bagpiping.

I know.

It's been six hours.

Must be that tantric bagpiping that Sting is into.

She keeps yelling out for him to play the bagpipes harder, but it sounds like

he's bagpiping her pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's

vibrating like Jurassic Park.

You have neighbors!

Shut the bagpipes up!

I decided to go to the bar for some peace and quiet. That didn't work out so

well. Ted, I hate to have to be the one to tell you this.

Marshall and Lily are getting a divorce.

No, they're not.

Just listen to what I witnessed yesterday.

Baby, you mind washing that?

No problem.

I should go.

She makes him wash his dishes right away, Ted.

I give him two, maybe three-week stops.

Barney, that's not a big deal.

And it's certainly not a big enough deal for you to be holding my hands.

We're in big trouble, Ted.

I see what's going on. You, my friend, are suffering from a little-known

condition, little-known because I just made it up, called new relationship

smugness. You and Robin are in the honeymoon phase.

Everything's perfect.

Every song on the radio is about you. Every other couple sucks.

Enjoy it.

NRS doesn't last forever.

It does when you're this awesome.

Hey, check it out. Robin and I have been keeping a tally of how many beds we've

done it in. We're up to 83 and a half.

A half?

19th century Ottoman in an antique shop.

Hey. Hey, what's up? Hey, tiger.

How you holding up? Do you need a hug? You wanna talk about yesterday?

Safe space.

Barney thinks Lily asking you to wash your dishes right away is a sign your

marriage is crumbling. What?

Why? Lily likes a clean sink, so I do the dishes right away. What's the big

deal? I'll tell you what the big deal is.

You know how I was always the best at being single?

No. Well, now I am the best at relationships.

Even better than you and Lily.

Aw, look at you.

Had a girlfriend for five minutes thinking you could play with the big

boys. Adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail

and were playing Dave Matthews on your mama's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my

sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of

chamomile in the other that would make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more

about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than

you'll ever know, but...

thanks for your concern rook marshal let me ask you one question sure do you mind

if there is a sink full of dirty dishes not really then it's lily's problem not

yours yeah but if i said that to her it would only lead to a fight so oh you

fight see robin and i never fight of course you do no and here's the secret

every time it looks like we're about to get into a fight

Um, why is there a bag of panties labeled April 2008 in your closet?

So, anytime you think you might have a fight, you just get up and leave?

100% effective.

Can't fight if you're not there. That's what Gandhi taught us.

Boy, that's not true.

I can't believe that Robin puts up with that. Oh, don't worry. She's got a great

way to avoid fights, too.

Um, are ties machine washable?

No, they most certainly are not.

Why?

What is in your hand?

Oh, my God, what is in your hand?

Okay, so you walk away.

Robin gets naked. Those are the two stupidest ways to handle conflict I've

ever heard.

Actually, the naked thing ain't bad.

That felt kind of weird.

Okay, call me crazy. Crazy. But when a problem comes up, Lily and I actually

talk about it. There are so many great things to do with the human mouth. Why

waste it on talking?

But if you insist, here's what I would say about the dishes if I were Lily's

husband.

Barney, you're home!

Get to the point. All right.

Thanks, doll.

Sweetie, are you going to wash that?

I'm glad you bring that up.

No. And here's why.

Really? I know you don't like a dirty sink, but does that make it my job to

keep it clean?

I mean, if one day I look up at the living room ceiling and think, hey, I'd

like a replica of the Sistine Chapel up there, would it be your job to paint it?

Well, no, of course not.

Exactly. So, baby, by the same launch, if you don't like looking at a sink full

of dishes, shouldn't it be your job to clean them?

Wow. Thanks for explaining that. I get so confused.

That's because you're a woman.

I don't even know why we're laughing.

Of course you don't.

You're kidding me with this. Hang on, Ted.

Let's hear the man out.

Once I have her attention, it's time to bring out the big guns.

Look, I love you.

But baby, with the little energy I have left after work, I want to shower you

with love. Not wash some silly dishes.

You're right. I'll do the dishes.

Right after I do this.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Now turn around.

Firm. Oh, yeah.

Are you going to hit him or should I?

He's right.

No, he's not. Marshall, look at me. Do not get drawn into Barney Stinson's

circus tent of funhouse mirrors and flawed logic. This is exactly how you

got the earring back in 03.

Hey, that earring looked cool. It did look cool, didn't it? Marshall, stay

with me.

Barney is wrong.

No, he isn't.

I hate doing my dishes right away.

You just said you don't mind. I hate it.

I hate it with a boundless burning fury. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

You're welcome.

Hey, guys. Oh, good.

There you are.

You'll tell me the truth.

Barney says that you two never fight.

Huh. I guess that's true.

Told ya.

No way. I love you both, but you are the two most emotionally ill-equipped

individuals in the history of relationships.

You two must have had at least one fight.

You know what?

We did. There was one small dispute about which one of us was more awesome.

We just called it a tie and had sex.

Speaking of which, I am so glad we're going skiing this weekend. I need a

break. The upstairs neighbors are driving me crazy.

Yeah, it's bad.

I'm going to say something to them. Thank you.

Great. Okay, we all have our assignments for the weekend.

Ted, you're going to stand up to your neighbors. Marshall, you're going to

stand up to Lily.

And Robin, I'm going to need you in sort of a crouched position on the bearskin

rug at our ski chalet.

Ready? Right.

All right, have fun.

Barney, you know, with his crazy, well-thought-out theories that probably

would work.

Marshall, I'm just going to say this one more time.

It's a bad idea.

I think it could work. Okay, two more times. It's a bad idea. Listen, Barney

lays out some logical points. Lily is a reasonable woman. I think that if I

explain it to her, she'll get it, and I'll get my way.

No, she'll get mad, and you'll get in a huge fight.

Slap that? Slap that.

Baby, could you wash your dishes?

Lily, I'm glad that you bring that up.

Can I stay here tonight?

I'll make up the sofa, buddy.

The ski bunnies are back!

Hey, guys.

How was your trip?

So perfect.

We just spent the whole weekend cuddling by the fire. No black diamonds.

But a lot of red hearts.

Okay,

I'm gonna go unpack.

Hey, you.

Yes?

Oh, man.

What the hell has gotten into you two? When did you become so nauseating?

Isn't it great to finally see her fulfilled emotionally, spiritually, and

sexually? Um, I dated her for a year.

Yeah.

Anyway, how was your weekend?

Terrible. And it's all your fault, okay? I took your stupid advice.

Baby, could you wash your dishes?

Lily, I'm glad that you bring that up.

No.

And here is why.

Okay.

So... It's like this, okay?

Yeah, sure.

You want me to go ahead and wash my dish.

But maybe I want you to paint the ceiling.

Right? Maybe I should say, okay, yeah, I'll wash my dish if you get up

there and just paint naked babies on the ceiling. You know? It's just like...

Huh? Huh?

I don't know what happened.

I'm a lawyer.

I argue for a living, but when it comes to Lily, I just get all flustered.

How could you not? I mean, the girl's all eyes and boobs.

What happened to the I'm tired after my draining day and I want to use my

leftover energy showering you with love argument? I should have written that

down.

Look, Lily, I make more money than you.

Excuse me?

Dance for me.

Oh, Marshall.

Dude.

It all made so much sense when you said it, but when I said it, it turned into a

fight. And once Lily and I start fighting, the fight starts to mutate and

multiply.

Sure, it started with the dishes, but then... So you're saying that you

shouldn't have to wash dishes because you work harder than me? Okay, that's

not what I'm saying, but it's true.

And then all of a sudden we're also fighting about who works harder.

I teach kindergarten.

I am molding the future leaders of tomorrow. You eat cookies and glue

stuff. And soon more fights spin off. I can't believe you'd rather me kill

myself. Until there are more fights going on than you can even keep track

of. If you need to go in the middle of the night, either turn the bathroom

light on or sit down. My mother does not hate you.

She is neutral about you. I am not scared of your shining impression.

I just don't need to hear it, especially at night.

Danny's not here, Mrs.

Torrance.

Please don't do that.

Man, Lily fights dirty.

She's small, but vicious, like a badger that your brothers caught and starved

for five days and then put in your sleeping bag.

I should just go home and apologize.

No. What you need is a surge.

Fight harder.

Picture it, Marshall.

Never having to wash another dish as long as you live, yet all the dishes are

always clean.

Why, this would take all the anxiety out of snacking.

No more holding open your shirt to form a makeshift bowl for your salty treats.

That world is yours, Marshall.

Reach out.

Take it.

Dip it in some ranch dressing.

Enjoy.

He's right. No!

Barney's stupid ideas are what got you into this quagmire. There's no exit

strategy. Just wash your stupid dishes. No!

Those dishes are my manhood. And if I want to leave my manhood dirty in the

sink, caked with ketchup and pasta... What are you eating? Damn it! That's my

right! I'll wash my manhood when I'm good and ready!

Where was he not sitting?

Hey, Barnstormer. Hey, Roro.

Okay, now you have adorable nicknames. Seriously.

What's going on with you two? Nothing. We're just happy.

It's like Gandhi said, smile don't cost nothing, sugar.

I'm not sure you know who Gandhi is.

So, Ted, did you talk to our neighbors?

Yes. Yeah, I did. I went up there, ready to set them straight.

They're old?

Really old.

So what did you do?

Well, I didn't have the heart to tell them to stop because, well, good for

them. So I just welcomed them to the building, had a hard candy, nodded

politely at some racist comments, and then left.

Over the next couple of days, Barney and Robin continued to be happier than ever.

And Marshall and Lily continued to fight.

I don't care if the dishes aren't done, okay? If you care, you do it. Great!

Then I don't care if you have an orgasm. If you care, you do it. I went 18 years

without the touch of a woman. I can do it again.

You might have to.

And I continued to hear more bagpiping than the St. Paddy's Day parade.

I don't know what to do. Lily and I have never had a fight this long. It's like I

don't even exist.

On Sunday morning, she made pancake, Ted.

Pancake. And bacon strip.

It's your own fault. You took relationship advice from Barney.

Well, maybe Barney has it all figured out.

He and Ro-Ro are the best couple now.

Lily and I have been dethroned.

You know what?

I'm not buying it. All that cutesy, lovey-dovey crap, that's not them.

And I know for a fact that Robin hates nicknames.

Thanks, Robsy-Wobsy.

Yeah, I don't do nicknames.

Finished with the sports page, Sherbs?

Seriously? Stop.

Hey, Robin, it's Timo's.

Yeah, I don't like them on you either.

Well, she obviously likes them now, and come on. And somebody had to put an end

to Timo's.

No.

Timo's was awesome.

I'm thinking of bringing it back.

Bagpiping sounds a little different today. It's all echoey.

Yeah, they're in the bathroom.

I think they're bagpiping on the shower chair.

And just like that, I realized exactly how to get the real scoop on Barney and

Robin. Oh, hey, Ted. How are Marshall and Louie? I worry about those two. I

really do. You and your big, giant heart.

Okay, enough.

The jig is up.

Ted, whatever do you mean?

Who's this guy?

We'll get to that.

You see, I knew something was wrong. You two were too happy, too shiny, too

nickname-y.

Didn't add up.

You two never fight? Horse apples.

You fight all the time.

How would you know that?

Phil told me.

Who the hell is Phil?

Your downstairs neighbor.

Hi. I'm Phil.

12B. And he's heard everything.

So Phil tells me that Roro and the Barnstormer have been fighting.

A lot.

Care to explain?

Okay.

Everything was going great.

Our no-fighting techniques were working perfectly until we went on that ski trip

last weekend.

So I showed Marshall that Lily's argument was bananas, and now he'll

never have to wash another dish.

Hi, two!

Uh, that's terrible advice.

What? You agree with Lily?

You... Oh, no.

We're about to get in a fight, and I can't run away.

I can't take my clothes off. It's freezing up here. I get hypothermia.

Maybe I can jump it?

Maybe just my pants?

This no-fighting thing is over, huh?

I think so.

How could you possibly...

And it didn't end there. We've been fighting ever since.

And all those fights we kept not having, they all came back around.

The bag of panties. The tie Robin murdered. The tiny camera I found in the

headboard.

That's how a quarterback stays sharp. Monday morning, he sits on a bag of ice

and studies the game tape.

Arnie, for the millionth time, you think football analogies are not making me

less great than technique? I knew it! I knew you guys were acting too cute and

perfect.

Look, we were just sick of everyone...

pointing out how crappy at relationships we both are. Yeah, it was sort of nice

to be the perfect couple for a minute.

I knew you were lying.

You gotta wake up pretty early to slip one by the Timo's. Stop it.

Marshall, dinner's ready.

Did you... Did you make any for me?

We need your advice.

So Barney and Robin told Lily and Marshall all about their fighting. And

let's just say that in comparison, their little dishes spat seemed pretty tame.

And by the end, Lily and Marshall

both had the same reaction.

I'll wash my dishes right away from now until the day I die. I don't care when

you wash the dishes. But if it's something cheese-based, like an iced

tea, at least soak it, okay? Of course, baby.

Oh, you.

I love you, too.

See? Right there. How did you just do that? How did you just fix everything?

I don't know. I guess sometimes you just have to set your ego aside.

Yeah. And remember that the love that you have for that other person is way

more important than winning.

Seriously,

what's the secret?

Okay, look, the honeymoon period may be over, but now you can get into the real

stuff.

And honestly, that's the best part.

So what do we do now?

I guess we gotta start talking more and get into the real stuff.

Yeah. Or, there's a bench in the elevator.

Ooh, that's better.

And hey, So what if we're not the best couple in the world? Totally.

It's not a competition.

We win!

Best couple in the world!

Yeah!

Guess what?

These glasses are plastic.

So we can just throw them away.

That means no dirty dishes in the sink.

Dirty? Maybe I should leave you in the sink.

And once that first argument got worked out, all those other arguments, well,

they got better too.