Original subtitles

This is the story of two blind dates.

One in 2009, and one seven years earlier.

In all that time, my dating routine remained more or less the same.

Until the fall of 2009, when I finally had a date that was different.

Because it was exactly the same.

I was on a blind date with the same woman I went on a blind date with seven

years earlier.

Ted? Jen?

It's nice to meet you.

And she didn't remember it.

But then again... It's nice to meet you, too.

Neither did I.

Yeah.

Guess who just got four tickets to the Origins of Chewbacca Star Wars exhibit?

Why?

No, I said, guess who?

I heard you.

Yeah, um, isn't it a little early in our relationship to do something that would

end our relationship?

What? No, what are you talking about? It could be our first double date as

couples. And plus, it sounds awesome.

Is the original Chewbacca gonna be there? Peter Mayhew in the fur.

Who's with me?

Hey, do you think they'll have Wookiee to English dictionaries there? I mean,

even just an everyday phrasebook would be helpful.

We're not going to the Origins of Chewbacca exhibit, Marshall.

It's in Houston this year. Everyone knows that.

I just wanted to get rid of the girls.

Where are you taking me, Barney?

This wasn't the first time your Uncle Barney had kidnapped one of us.

Wait a second.

The Origins of Chewbacca exhibits in Monterey all this year. Everyone knows

that.

Where are you taking me?

My guy in the DA's office scored us front row seats to a lethal injection.

But we're still stopping for chili dogs first. Stop the cap.

Where are you taking me?

Barney, why are we here?

Marshall, now that Robin and I are together, I've learned a lot about

relationships by watching you and Lily.

Thanks, man. You're a terrible couple.

Lily has taken all the man out of you. I used to think that's just every

relationship. But what I've got with Robin proves that you can have a

girlfriend and fully functioning male genitalia all at the same time.

Okay, right. So if Robin knew that you were here, she would be completely fine

with it. Are you kidding?

She'd sprint down here with a purse full of singles and a poncho for the 10.30

jello show.

BTW, I called ahead. It's lime.

Meanwhile, Jen and I were in my favorite first date restaurant.

For the second time. So, Jen, what do you do?

I'm between jobs, banking crisis.

I'm between jobs, internet bubble burst.

Makes me realize I should go into something more stable, like banking.

So what about you?

I'm an architect.

Hopefully one day I can use my own humble brush on the masterpiece that is

Manhattan's skyline.

I teach architecture.

Get 50% off at the bookstore, so that's pretty sweet.

Mary.

What is wrong with you?

You're just looking. It's like fantasizing about other women. It's

harmless.

Wait. Don't tell me you don't fantasize about other women.

I do.

It's just not that easy. False.

I once fantasized about that silhouette chick you see on a truck's mud flaps.

Took me less than a mile.

Not everyone is you okay Barney even when I do start to have a dirty thought

like that It seems so much like cheating on Lily that I feel guilty. So first I

need to have a different fantasy Bad

news

Lily has a rare and fatal hiccup disorder.

That's apparently medically legitimate

Beats me, but it says it right here on this doctor clipboard that doctors have.

It's time, baby.

I will never love again.

No, Marshall, you must.

And after an appropriate number of years, you should find someone else.

Someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time.

And plow her like a cornfield.

I'm sorry, Marshal.

To honor Lily, you must find that busty delivery girl from that one time and

plow her like a cornfield.

Delivery for Marshall Erickson.

This one's for you, Lil.

What do I sign?

And then watch out because it is on.

That is the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Dude! Lily gets you in real life. She has no business in your fantasies. It's

all I know, okay? I can't help it. I accept your invitation, Marshal Aronson.

From this day forward, I will be the wingman of your mind. Now, focus on the

next answer. Put Lily completely out of your mind.

Gentlemen, say hello to J-J-J-Jasmine.

Is it just me, or does that stripper look exactly like... Hey, we found a

stripper who looks exactly like Lily!

Uh, yeah, I can't talk right now.

I'm speechless, too.

Everything's as perky as we've always imagined. Stop looking at her.

Uh, look, I gotta go.

Take a picture.

Oh, I will.

But first I'm gonna make Marshall watch as I wedge Ulysses S. Grant between his

wife's tatas. Okay, yeah, hold on!

Sorry about that.

So, any thoughts on food?

You want to share the oysters?

I would love to share the oysters.

Good. Because if you didn't, that would be mighty shellfish.

Wow. That's bad.

That's why it's funny.

We've been on this date before.

We've been on this exact blind date before.

In this exact... same restaurant correct me if i'm wrong but i don't remember

that date going that well me neither i remember thinking that you were a little

snobby wait you you dress your cats up in weird costumes they're not weird see

you're being snobby again oh my god do you realize what this means since our

first date we've done a complete lap of all the single people in new york only

to end up back here with each other

We're gonna die alone, aren't we?

Well, you've got your cats.

This is insane!

Wait, I gotta ask, why did you think I was snobby?

Wait, okay, yeah, we were sitting over there.

Maine lobster, they spelled Maine without the E.

Good to know we're not getting the crappy understudy lobsters, right?

Tonight, the role of pound-and-a-half lobster will be played by... I get it,

Ted.

Pointing out spelling errors in a menu makes you seem kind of snooty.

Huh.

I had no idea.

Okay, well, what about me? Aside from the cats, how did I come across?

That's right. The check.

The check came, and of course I was going to pay, but you didn't do the

check dance.

Guys want to wave the girl off and, you know, look like a big shot.

Huh.

I had no idea.

This is good. We're learning stuff. You know what we should do?

We should retrace the rest of that night and figure out what else we do wrong on

first dates.

Because let's be honest, we are scaring people off, Jen.

We really are.

Okay, I'm in.

Great. Where'd we go next?

I think we went to McLaren's.

I didn't really talk about my cats that much, did I?

And then there's Tabby Gill Adams, the jester of the group.

Tone down the kitty talk.

Check.

You will not believe who we saw tonight. Dude, we saw the third doppelganger.

I should explain.

Over the years, we had spotted two strangers who looked exactly like

members of our group.

Lesbian Robin.

And Mustache Marshall.

By the following summer, we would find the remaining two doppelgangers. But

I'll get to that.

Ladies, meet Stripper Lily.

Yeah,

I couldn't get her face in it, but she looks just like you.

So you went to a strip club?

And busted.

And there was a stripper who looked exactly like me? Okay, babe, look,

before you get mad, let me... Awesome!

I bet the guys were going crazy. Oh, I bet they wanted to touch her so bad. But

all you can do is look, unless you go into the back room. But, honey, you

better pay for that.

So, strip club.

Marshall made me go.

All right, so what did I do wrong next? Let me have it. I'm here to learn.

Well... I kept dropping hints that I was cold, but you didn't offer me your

jacket.

It's a little brisk out tonight, huh?

Not really.

Really? I can't feel my fingers.

I'm pretty impervious to stuff like that.

I couldn't admit I was cold.

I didn't want to seem like a wimp compared to your action hero ex

-boyfriend who you wouldn't stop talking about.

After a day of fighting fires, Jim would love to come home and unwind working on

his 68 Camaro. That or bare-knuckle boxing, which he learned in the Marine

Corps.

I had an aunt in the Coast Guard.

Okay, so no talking about the ex.

Not even about his shockingly small wiener?

See?

Why didn't you lead off with that?

Was there a shower on stage? Sometimes there's a shower on stage. I bet

stripper me would get in there with another girl and just go bananas.

See, Marshall? We got to have a bros night at a strip club, and both of our

ladies are totally cool with it. I'm not cool with it.

Because they understand that it's healthy for us to do that from time to

time. It's disgusting.

Because it's harmless.

Did one of your whores tell you that?

And, you know, Marshall shouldn't have to go to so much trouble just to have an

innocent fantasy.

Trouble? What trouble?

No, it's nothing.

Marshall Keller, we're all friends here.

No, we're not.

Lily, sometimes I think about other women.

Okay, it happens, but even when I do, I feel so guilty that I have to imagine

you passing away first. Because even in a fantasy world, I could never cheat on

you. You're just my life, baby, and I love you.

You kill me off?

about other girls all you want, but could you maybe not murder me? Murder?

Baby, no. You develop a chronic illness. I spare no expense for your care. I even

set up a foundation in your name. We're like this close to a cure.

Remember?

Oh, yeah.

I do remember.

We went in here for a drink with your friends, who I loved.

Or hated, depending on whether you're still friends with them. You love them.

They're family, Ted.

Let's go in and see what they remember. And...

They are my best friends, so don't be surprised if they suddenly can't think

of anything I do wrong.

Did he juggle? Bad puns. Expect a standing ovation for picking up a $19

check. Oh, let's not forget the menu type of goldmine.

Hand in that river, buddy. Well, it is a lot cheaper than buying a condom. Oh!

Actually, you know what it was?

I remember him coming across as kind of a player.

Me? Yeah,

we were all sitting over there.

And here's a picture of my cats dressed up like Batman villains.

You got the Joker, the Riddler, Mr. Freeze. What about Catwoman?

Yeah. That would have been good.

Psst. Dad.

Nice.

Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. I remember that. I was not checking out a girl.

Psst. Dad.

I didn't know. I don't know that way.

Nice. We were checking out Mustache Marshall.

Oh, my gosh. I thought you were such a jerk. I'm so sorry.

Yeah, well, it's nice to know past me wasn't a total jackass, huh?

Present me wasn't so bad, either.

Thank you very much.

Oh,

yeah.

I remember this.

And there's the Chrysler Building.

And the Empire State Building.

And at 12 o'clock, a rotund couple going at it against the glass.

Aw. That's kind of sweet.

Oh, look.

Snack break.

Good for them.

Letting a guy eat pizza off your back. That's love.

So, um, I know this wasn't the best.

first date of all time but uh i'm glad we stuck it out me too

that

was really great what went wrong i remember now

wow yeah

so would you maybe um want to go out again

I would.

Will you call me?

Absolutely.

Promise? Promise.

I have been so busy.

Good night, Ted.

Hello?

Jen, I'm sorry. Look, I know I'm seven years late with this call.

but i was an idiot back then you saw the goatee the truth is i had a great time

tonight and i'd love to see you again ted there are two kinds of guys the guys

that you want to call you who don't and the guys you don't want to call you who

always do and somehow right now you're both

baby you should be able to fantasize about another woman without

feeling guilty or you know, killing me off.

I wish that I could, but I've been doing this for so long, I'm all confused about

death and sex.

It's gotten to the point where every time I drive past a cemetery, I'm

sporting a partial.

All right, we gotta fix this.

Okay, when Stripper Lily gets out here, you have my permission to fantasize

about her. And since she's basically me, maybe you won't feel guilty.

Thanks, baby. I'm so lucky to have you. And Stripper you.

You know, I don't come here that much. Hey, Barney.

Here's the usual, and I'll send over the other usual as soon as she's done

stretching.

Thank you, kindly stranger.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, hey, Barney, I didn't see you come in. I'll load up some ACDC for you,

buddy. Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for J-J-J-Jasmine.

Crawl for it, stripper me.

This is awesome, baby. Can I get another hundred?

That was a hundred?

Wow, she crawls fast.

Look, Jen, I wish I could go back and talk some sense into 2002 Ted, but that

guy's a lost cause.

He's 24.

He thinks a little facial hair makes him look like Johnny Depp.

He has no idea what a great girl he's missing out on.

But I've learned a lot since then.

I've learned a lot tonight.

The only thing that we've learned is that seven years ago, it was a mistake

for us to go out, and I guess it was a mistake for us to go out tonight.

No, it wasn't.

I had a great time tonight. And seven years ago, if you think about it, we

didn't miss by that much.

If a couple things had gone a little bit differently, who knows what would have

happened.

Asking you to stay.

The words are finally here.

Let's rewind.

And rewind.

You say you're the only star in the film I never made.

But you rewind it all the time.

Rewind it all the time.

Wow. Wow.

You're the best. You are the best.

My girlfriend is at a strip club with me and she couldn't care less. I do care,

Barney. Look, we're dating now, okay? That changes things. We need to have a

serious talk about this.

Just the best.

Hey, girlfriend trouble, I wish I could help, but my unbelievably cool wife just

bought us a private dance with her stripper body double, so if you need me,

I'll be getting grinded like some pepper in the champagne room.

Just the best.

Now what?

I just remembered why I didn't call you.

Why? I can't believe I'm going to screw this up again, but, um... I like finding

typos in menus.

What? And I know my shellfish pun is stupid, but the truth is... I'm not

suddenly going to stop making stupid jokes.

Now that you mention it...

I'm never going to stop talking about my cats.

They're funny and adorable and totally worth having to take six Benadryl a day.

Shouldn't we hold out for the person who doesn't just tolerate our little quirks

but actually kind of likes them?

Even if it means finding ourselves on another blind date with each other seven

years from now. Oh, dear God. I hope that doesn't happen.

Well, good luck out there, Jen.

You too, Ted.

You'll find your shellfish lady.

And kids, when I told your mother that shellfish joke, she did laugh.

And I swear, it was only like 30% pity.

Looks like Jasmine's having a hard time getting out of those boots.

What did you say, buddy?

Lily? Who?

Oh, yes.

I am this Lily.

We married long time.

May I have monies for shopping?