Original subtitles

Kids, Stella Zinman was the girl I thought I'd spend the rest of my life

with. Until she left me at the altar, smashing my heart to smithereens.

So when I ran into her seven months later, there was only one way to deal

with her.

Stella!

Great to see you! You too.

And Tony!

Hey!

What a nice surprise!

What a nice surprise?

No, a nice surprise would be the safe fell from 40 stories and smushed them

both. I mean, you didn't let them have it? No, we had a nice friendly chat,

then they went their way, and I went mine. Ted, you blew it. He blew it,

right?

Well played, sir. Bravo!

You see, Rob, Ted played it cool, which is exactly what he should have done.

As a matter of fact, I'd say on a scale ranging from... Can I get this sweater

of yours?

It's in the bathtub for hours. Just, you know, sniffing it.

All the way to... This is my new fiancée.

She's basically Stella, except she's French, and as you can see...

She's got enormous cans.

Enchanté?

Enchanté.

I'd say you nailed it.

I'll do you one better. You, sir, got Stella thinking.

Gosh, Ted seems so cool today. Did I choose the wrong guy?

Give it a week.

You'll get her back.

And her front.

Oh, did you just feel that?

I think we just had a what-upquake.

I don't want her back.

Or her front.

I just want to move on. And this was an important step towards that.

To moving on.

And you know, I really meant it.

But still, that night, my mind began to wander.

I made a terrible mistake.

I know.

I'm a better person than you are. You totally are.

Let's get back together and have way more sex than before.

Deal.

Hello,

Ted.

No, come in. It's not weird at all.

Ted.

Teddy, Ted, Ted, Ted.

Uh, I knew it was wrong to steal somebody's fiancé.

I mean, I grappled with it. I was up nights.

And not for the good reason.

Well, sometimes for the good reason.

I mean, Stella and I hadn't seen each other in five years. So, as you can

imagine, in the beginning, it was just fast and furious.

Lamps breaking, furniture moving. You see this bald patch? Yeah, Tony.

Anyway, when you don...

Me, Lucy, Stella, we were going to move to L.A.

I was going to become a screenwriter.

Then we bumped into you, and you just looked so sad.

Sad? No, I think what you were calling sad was actually a jovial nonchalance.

Ted, you looked awful.

Okay, like a little dachshund puppy with a bad back that's got to pull itself

around on a cart. Why are you here?

Ted, I know I can come across pretty tough.

But I can't bear to have hurt someone the way I hurt you.

I think fate put me on that corner to make this right.

Obviously, I can't fill that giant crater that Stella left in your heart.

I've been dating, like, a lot. And then I heard you got fired. I transitioned

into small business ownership.

It's the backbone of the economy.

No, it's not.

Ted, my family's got a lot of money. And I want to use that money to make this

right with you.

Tony is rich? Oh, Ted.

Oh.

Ted, tell me he wrote you a check.

Tell me he wrote you a big fat check. A check so big it doesn't take its shirt

off when it goes swimming.

That is a big fat check. A check so big if you had sex with it, you wouldn't

tell your buddies.

That is a big fat check. A check so big that when you sit next to it on an

airplane, you find yourself wondering whether the check should have bought two

seats. That is a big fat check.

You didn't write me a check.

Ted, I want to offer you a job. A job?

Every year my family gives a lot of money to Columbia University, so I got

some pull.

How would you like to design?

My heart leapt into my throat. A new library?

A new student center?

Your very own curriculum as a professor of architecture.

No thanks.

What do you mean, no thanks?

Ted. You would be a great professor, okay? You are knowledgeable.

You're a good talker.

And when you need to, you can grow a very handsome neckbeard.

I'm not going to be a professor. Teaching architecture is what you do

when your career is totally bottomed out and you need to pay the bills.

Hey, hey, hey.

Small business owner, backbone of the economy.

I'm not going to take that job, all right? I'm going to be just fine.

New topic.

Okay, new topic.

I just got a $200 speeding ticket today. Oh, that sucks, dude. You couldn't talk

your way out of it?

You can't talk your way out of a ticket.

I've done it.

It was, what was it? It was 1998.

So where's the fire?

There's no fire.

Actually, you know, there is a fire at this barbecue I'm headed to. Nothing

special. Burgers, ribs, brats.

Son, do you have any idea how dangerous it is to be...

Did you say brats? Yeah, brats.

My mom marinates them in Belgian beer for two days. No big.

Funny thing was, I could have sworn that one of those thick, succulent, hickory

-smoked brats had some writing on it. Weird. Anyways, what were you saying?

What did it say?

The brat.

It said, property of Minnesota State Trooper Jorgensen.

You a brat man, Officer Jorgensen?

You going to this address?

Follow me and lean on the horn. We're going to be running some reds.

Well, duh.

I would have done that, too, if I'd have been going to a barbecue.

Damn, I was.

See, it's all about sizing up your opponent. I could tell that the officer

was a brat man because, well, he was out of breath just from walking to my car

and... He had mustard on his holster.

Marshall Erickson, manipulating an officer of the law with your sausage.

That is very hot.

You think I can't talk my way out of a ticket?

You think I can't talk my way out of a ticket?

I am Barney Stinson, master of manipulation. If I can talk a stripper

into paying me for a lap dance, I think I can talk my way out of a ticket.

Challenge accepted.

Wait for it.

Well, I don't get it.

Oh, Ted.

Except Ted.

I get it now.

What now? You want to be an architect?

Great. Guy I went to private school with wants a new house built.

Job's yours if you want it.

Tony, look, I don't need your help.

Here's what he's offering you.

is a big fat check.

Showtime.

License registration?

Oh, of course, officer. Right away.

Sir,

this is a gift certificate for a custom-tailored Italian suit.

So, I'm done here.

Three! hundred and seventy five dollars and he kept the gift certificate i'm

gonna call emilio and tell him to short sheet him on the crotch you are bad at

this dude oh whatever robin like you ever talked your way out of a ticket are

you kidding me robin's a pretty girl pretty girls don't get tickets better

robin's been pulled over tons of times never once gotten a ticket that is

outrageous and factual license and register

Oh, honey.

No, no, no. Don't cry.

It's okay.

No ticket for you.

Just go a little slower next time.

Thank you.

Excuse me. I think I left something in New Jersey.

Hey, how did your lunch go with the rich guy?

Well, it started off great.

I want to design a house that celebrates the landscape without overpowering it.

You know, when Frank Lloyd Wright designed Falling Water in 1935... Yes,

yes, that's all fine. I'm sure you'll do a great job.

What I'm really worried about is the basement.

Specifically, the laundry room.

The laundry room?

I require a laundry room of 15 feet by 15 feet.

Stain-proof ceramic tile from floor to ceiling.

I'm a man who likes to do his own laundry. And sometimes, it gets messy.

Messy? Messy.

Steel chains will dangle from the ceiling at a height of nine feet.

And that is where my laundry bags will hang for three days and three nights

before I clean them.

Uh, Ted, it kind of sounds like what this guy is asking you to design. It's a

murder house. It is. It's totally a murder house.

You know, as a martial artist, I'm trained to trust my instincts.

My instincts are saying this.

Feels very good.

This steak is so rare.

Right?

Right?

One final concern.

Soundproofing. I tend to make a lot of racket when I launder.

I'll show you what I mean.

I'm going to go to my laundry room, and you tell me if you can hear me.

Tony. Does something feel off about this guy?

Yeah.

Off the hook.

Bro, you are nailing this.

Dad,

you can't design a murder house! I'm not going to design a murder house! Dad, you

can't design a murder house! I'm not going to design a murder house!

Bring it.

Officer, please. My wife is about to have a baby. Her water just broke.

Where's your wife?

She took the other car.

This is Italian leather, so... I'm sorry

about that murder house thing.

That was my bad.

That's on me.

So, new plan.

You, my friend, are gonna build the Statue of Liberty a husband.

Now, I got some suction down at City Hall. Tony, stop it.

I don't want your help, okay? You don't have to do this. Yes, I do. Why?

Because...

When you were with Stella, I know how much I missed her.

I can only imagine you feel the same way.

Okay.

Well, let me put your mind at ease.

I don't want Stella back.

Okay? She lied to me and left me at the altar. What kind of person does that?

I'm better off without her.

She's all yours, buddy.

There you go.

Load off my mind.

And that was it.

Tony left and I began to put this whole business far behind me.

Or so I thought.

Stella.

Tony broke up with me.

Wow, okay.

Tony broke up with you?

He said it was because of something you said.

You got Tony to dump Stella?

I am very sorry, but I'm gonna have to insist that you bump this.

Let's, um, let's talk out in the hall.

I'll be waiting.

So, why are you here?

Look, Ted, this is about seven months too late, but here goes.

I've been in love with Tony since high school.

We dated for a long time, but then...

I got pregnant, and I guess for two 19-year-olds, that was just too much to

handle, so we broke up.

And for a long time, I just focused on being a mother. I forgot about Tony. I

forgot about the very idea of being in love.

And then you came along and reminded me, and I loved you for that.

I loved you so much, in fact, that it was just shy of enough.

But I never stopped loving Tony.

Take him back, honey. He's sorry.

No, that's not... That's not what's happening. Just go back inside, Mrs.

Madsen.

It's good seeing you, Stella.

Can you talk to Tony?

What? He listened to you.

I mean, he changed his mind. You could change it back. I know it's an awful

thing to ask. Yeah, it's an...

Awful thing to ask.

I don't know what else to do, okay?

I love him.

Oh, you love him. So, what, you're appealing to the romantic in me?

Is that your strategy?

Because that guy's gone.

You can't pull those strings anymore.

They're not attached to anything.

Thanks to you.

Go ahead, honey. Kiss him. Go inside!

Okay,

you can do this. You can do this.

Oh, you can do this.

License and registration.

Excuse me?

I can only assume you need a license to have a face that beautiful.

And that body?

I'm guessing something that explosive has to be registered with the proper

authorities.

Get out of the car.

Why? Am I under arrest?

No.

But you're about to be under me.

No, false.

Did not happen. That's a line from a porno. I've seen that porno. Hell, I've

made that porno.

When will you guys realize that the only difference between my real life and a

porno is my real life has better lighting?

You're lying. I am not lying.

I swear on my mother. I swear on Goliath National Bank. I swear on my suits.

I am not lying.

He was lying.

Here's what really happened.

Go ahead, honey. Kiss him. Go inside!

Is there anything I can do to make this better?

No.

Hello? Ted, it's me. It's Barney. It's me. I need your help. I'm in trouble.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. What happened?

I'm guessing something not explosive has to be registered with the proper

authorities.

Get out of the car.

Why? Am I under arrest?

Yes, you are. I ran your plates. You've had 15 moving violations in the last

three days. Get out of the car.

But no, my wife's having a baby. I have a sausage with your name on it. Out of

the car!

I want you to come to Brazzaville, New Jersey and bail me out.

I'm kind of in the middle of something.

Hurry, Ted.

You have no idea the kind of hardened criminals they've got me in here with.

Are we going to get our spray paint back?

Save me, Ted!

You want to do something for me?

I need a ride to New Jersey.

Okay.

You'll pay for tolls, right?

I'm kidding.

So Stella and I drove all the way out to New Jersey, bailed your Uncle Barney out

of jail, and drove all the way home.

Oh, by the way, Ted, how's that girl you've been seeing, that super hot

French chick with the big enormous boobs?

Oh, you mean Claudette?

Yeah, she's, uh, she's fine. Man, she's the hottest girl you have ever been

with, Ted.

Ever. Bye, Stella.

Ted, I'm so sorry again about everything.

For what it's worth. I'll talk to Tony.

Really?

I want you to be happy, Stella.

I'll talk to him.

And I did.

I don't remember what I said to him, but I guess I changed his mind. Because the

next day...

They flew to California.

Stella set up a new dermatology practice.

And against all odds, Tony found some success as a screenwriter.

His movie, The Wedding Bride, was a big hit. But we'll get to that later.

Okay, but just tell me this.

Why Tony?

Is it the money?

The kung fu pajamas?

Like, what is it?

She's the one.

The one.

Yeah, I know it's kind of sappy, but yeah.

Okay, I'm gonna say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job

of not saying out loud lately.

What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know

that Marshall and Lily have, I want that.

I do.

I keep waiting for it to happen, and waiting for it to happen, and... I guess

I'm just... I'm tired of waiting.

And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.

You know, I want to talk my way out of this beating ticket.

Really?

I was heading upstate to my parents' house, doing like 90 on this country

road, and I got pulled over.

So this cop gets out of his car, he kind of swaggers on over, and he's like,

young lady, I have been waiting for you all day.

So I looked up at him and I said, I'm so sorry, officer, I got here as fast as I

could.

For real?

No, it's a little joke.

I know that you're tired of waiting.

And you may have to wait a little while more, but she's on her way, Ted.

And she's getting here as fast as she can.

Bye,

Stella.

Bye, Ted.

She tracked me down, two days later, using a phone book.

And that's the last time I wrote my name in my undergarments.

Hey, Lily!

You're back!

Marnie, when you told me that peanut butter and jam joke, I was completely

disgusted. But I was in the shower this morning and it popped into my head and

actually made me laugh.

Peanut butter.

So I can say now how I may have overreacted. Marshall's words, not mine.

Well, it's good to see you again, Lily.

Thanks.

So what have you been up to?

I'm going to an amnesia ward with a bunch of photos of my children and a

wedding ring.

I'm going to find the hottest Haitian slash my wife, and we are going to...

Okay, so that's good enough for tonight.

I've got to ease back into this. See you tomorrow.