Original subtitles

I can't believe Metro News 1 is just forwarding you all this fan mail now.

I know, I quit like four months ago.

Wow, you had more fans than I thought.

And only about 60% of them are prison inmates.

What are these guys thinking?

I am way past my dating prisoners phase. It's like, hello, I'm not 19 anymore.

Lottery girl's on.

I just feel sorry for these women. This is where broadcast careers go to die.

Check it out. I make it fun. I invented a little game.

Tonight's lotto numbers are... 19.

Age you moved to New York after a photographer discovered you at a food

court and said he'd get you in Vogue magazine.

53. Number of semi-nude pictures he took of you before you realized he had no

connection to Vogue magazine.

22. Age you claim you are.

31. Age you actually are.

45. Number of minutes it would take me to get you into a cab out of your dress

and into my jacuzzi.

And the super big ball is... What happens after we get out of the jacuzzi.

What up?

Kids,

by the winter of 2009, Robin had been unemployed for months.

But there was a glimmer of hope.

Hey, how'd the audition go?

I went in there feeling really good. I heard it was just me up against two

other girls. Listening.

Hi. Hi.

Robin Scherbatsky.

And you are?

You've obviously never spent any time in Denver.

Rochelle Harper, News Center 12.

We were only the number one station in the Rockies for five straight years.

I was an anchor here in town at Metro News 1.

Ooh, an anchor.

You must have a killer sign-off phrase.

I'm sorry? You gotta have a killer sign-off phrase.

Like Walter Cronkite.

And that's the way it is.

So what's yours?

Oh, well, I would just always end with a simple, from all of us here at Metro

News 1, have a good evening.

Mine is, from all of us here at Barney's apartment, get out.

You didn't let those reporter bitches psych you out, did you?

And the president's economic team is hoping to have a proposal before

Congress by the end of the month.

From all of us here at News 10, have a good evening.

So good night, New York.

And may the road ahead be lit with dreams and tomorrows, which are lit with

dreams also.

Wow. That's terrible.

And bad.

Also.

That wasn't done.

Stand tall, New York.

Trustworthy.

Recycling.

Wear a condom.

Wear a condom?

I'm not going to be the new Channel 10 anchor, am I?

This just in.

No.

Maybe the problem is your resume.

See how mine is lean and mean?

Yours is too cluttered. It's like everything on your resume is so

relevant. Program director, 88.1 Wesleyan University Radio.

Oh, God.

Dr. X? You're still bragging about Dr.

X? Who's Dr. X? Nobody knows.

He was this genius mystery DJ. He was Ted.

His identity remains a secret to this day.

It was Ted.

But this phantom of the airwaves changed the very face of college radio. It was

Ted. And your show sucked.

Dr. X here, shooting truth bullets at you from an undisclosed location.

Because if they knew where I was, they'd shut me down.

You're on the third floor of the student center next to the game room, you tool.

I've been getting a lot of letters about my segment on how... racist the school's

meal plan is. How are you getting letters if no one knows where you are,

douche? That's why I'm organizing a happening outside the dining hall Monday

at midnight.

It's high time the food service puppet masters took ignorance and injustice off

the menu.

Hey, Ted, we need a fourth for foosball.

What are you doing in here anyway?

If you think people liked your show, they did not.

That's weird.

Look what got mixed in with your fan mail. What?

It's from the U.S. Department of Immigration.

It's postmarked two months ago.

Oh, boy.

What is it? It's about my work visa.

Unless I can find a job in the next seven days, they're going to send me

back to Canada.

I can't believe you might be kicked out of the country. I know. My whole life is

here. No, we won't let this happen. I mean, one of us will help you find a

job. Yeah, I bet I can get you something at my school.

No, guys, it doesn't work that way. Robin only gets her work visa if she

gets a job in her field.

I mean, you know what? I guess you could stay if you married a U.S. citizen.

Yeah, that could work.

Oh, no. No, they can never process that and make it official in time. That won't

work. I'm screwed.

I've been sending out my reel for three months and nothing.

Well, maybe there's something in your reel that people aren't responding to.

Let's take a look at it, right?

That's a good question, Norm. Okay, the first thing is from when I was a cub

reporter for Channel 22 and Red Deer.

In Alberta.

In Canada.

Oh, Canada.

Well,

the snow's coming down pretty hard.

But these intrepid fishermen are still happy to be owed competing in Lake

Athabasca's bass fishing jamboree, an August 1st tradition.

Back to you, Norm.

What? That was my first job. It shows where I came from.

Unless a bear attacks you in the next three seconds and you snap its neck with

your legs, that has no business being on your reel. No, no, I get it. I get it.

Where you're from is part of who you're selling.

For instance, under special skills on my resume, I mentioned that back in

Minnesota, I was the 1995 Nicollet County slam dunk champion.

You put dunk champion on your resume? Yeah, why wouldn't you? A lot of

companies have basketball teams. It's good for them to know that Vanilla

Thunder can still take the rock to the hole.

They called you Vanilla Thunder?

Yeah, Vanilla Thunder.

The ghost in the post. The human turnstile. I didn't play that much D.

You can't still dunk.

Of course I can.

Well, I mean, I could, until recently.

Until the injury.

It's called iliopsoas tendonitis.

Oh, yikes, that sounds bad.

It's more commonly known as dancer's hip.

Dr. Goodman.

Oh, come on!

Iliopsoas tendonitis. That's what it's called. That's all it's called.

iliopsoas tendonitis.

It's a basketball injury, you know. It's no big whoop.

Dancer's hip, Marshall, is something called dancer's hip.

Okay, no, no, okay, they only call it that, look, because it's very common

with ballet dancers.

Oh.

So, tell me, do any of the other little girls in your class have dancer's hip?

Yeah, sure.

Well, I have more of a technical question. Yes. Is it easier to dance

when you don't have external genitalia? Good, don't build to that. Just go right

for it.

Guys, come on. Marshall didn't get this injury from dancing.

Thank you, Lily.

Clearly, the stirrups were set a little too wide during his last trip to the

gyno.

Guys, guys, I hate to cut you off before Marshall bursts into tears, but, Robin,

check this out. What you need is an awesome video resume like mine.

I present... Barney's VideoResume.com.

Oh, hello.

Barney Stinson.

You've achieved great success in business, athletics, and personal

relationships, and have been an inspiration to many people.

Is that you?

Are you interviewing yourself?

How can it be me? That guy's British.

What would you recommend to your numerous admirers who want to reach

their highest potential?

And a wee bit Scottish.

The first thing you need to know about success is that it doesn't just come to

you. Most people associate success with money and power, but really, it's a

state of mind.

You had to be on a motorcycle to say that?

When it comes to success, the only limit is that there are no limits.

Hey, I didn't know you knew how to scan your horse. It's impressive.

Barney, I don't get it. You don't do a damn thing in any of these clips.

Exactly. Because that's who corporate America wants. People who seem like bold

risk-takers, but never actually do anything.

Actually doing things gets you fired. In fact, I'm writing a book on this very

phenomenon. Really? You're writing a book? No, that would be doing some...

Are you even listening?

All my life, I have dared to go past what is possible.

To the impossible?

Actually, past that.

To the place where the possible and the impossible meet to become the

possible The possible really inventing your own word shows creativity and

vision vision tivity If I can leave you with one thought

it's this Nothing and everything is possible

Are you singing a song about yourself?

Absolutely not. That would be lame.

That baby got me 11 job offers.

No. No way.

Barney, that was ridiculous and insane.

Insanulous.

Make me one.

What? Yes!

Now you're talking.

I'm about to be deported. I'll try anything.

Okay, we better get started.

There's a lot to shoot, and I don't think I can use any of the footage I

already have of you. What footage do you already have of me?

Let's just get started.

Oh, sweetie, are you still upset about the dancer's hip jokes?

No.

We were just kidding. We all know it's a basketball injury.

Yeah, no, totally.

Lily, I have something I need to tell you.

What is it?

I dance more than you know.

What?

I dance more than you know.

I don't know how to respond to that.

So, Robin, what does being a reporter mean to you?

Well, ever since I was a little kid, I always... Robin, you're getting bogged

down in specifics. I need you to just say vague, confident-sounding buzzwords

like synergy and dynamism. You can make up a word, like linkativity.

How will sounding like an idiot get me hired anywhere?

Okay, fine. Don't do it.

Anyway, I'm sure there are plenty of exciting stories to cover back in

Canada. I just read that the mayor of Winnipeg's nephew went ice fishing and

caught himself a 16-pound walleye. Reporting live from the worst place in

the world, I'm Robin Scherbatsky.

Okay, fine.

Roll camera.

Connectitude. Love it.

Transformitation. Earn it.

Linkativity.

Yeah, linkativity's mine.

So, how much dancing are we talking about? I don't... I guess I'd say

medium.

Why are you dancing so much? Why don't I know about it? It's something I do when

I'm alone. You know, like if something good happens, I get excited and I need

to move and I just... I don't know. I don't want to talk about this anymore.

So that's how you injured your hip?

Hey, did you hear? They're giving us a half day today. We can leave at two.

Oh, great.

Thanks, Herm.

Ah!

Barney, these costumes are ridiculous. Plus, the Amazon warrior princess armor

gave me a rash.

Cards on the table, you weren't the first lady to wear that in here.

But it conveyed power, and so will this. What I need you to do now is break these

15 bricks with your forehead.

What? But you didn't do a damn thing in your video. You just stood near a horse

and sat on a motorcycle.

That's because I'm a man.

You're a woman. The assumption is that you can't do anything. But you have to

prove society wrong. I can't break 15 bricks with my forehead.

Robin, it's not 1950 anymore.

Yes, you can.

I'm out of here.

What? Why?

None of this is going to help me get a job.

I'm about to get kicked out of the country.

I know what I have to do.

Is this where the lottery girl auditions are?

Yeah, right here.

So, kids, your Aunt Robin had reached her low point.

She was auditioning to be the lottery girl.

And tonight's lotto numbers are... Hold it.

Say the line before you press the button. It builds the suspense.

It builds the suspense.

Okay.

And tonight's lotto numbers are... 17.

Stop her. Hold it.

Why did she say it like that? It's like she's not even happy about the 17 coming

up. She seems mean.

Yeah, she seems super mean.

Can you take another run at 17 for us?

17. Okay, I don't even understand what she's doing.

Let me try something.

Try being a little more wry.

Wry. About the number 17.

Wry with a little bit of a... Twinkle.

Twinkle.

17.

That was great.

Hey, Marsh, I got you a light beer. I know how you dancers are always counting

calories.

It's not funny, all right? The doctor says if it gets any worse, I might need

surgery. Vaginal rejuvenation surgery?

You know who didn't do a lot of operating on vaginas in college? Dr.

X. He did just fine. You know what? Both of you geniuses need to take that weak

-ass crap off your resumes.

I mean, you are not Dr.

X anymore, and you cannot dunk anymore.

Let it go.

So Marshall and I are the only people at this table with weak-ass crap on their

resumes?

What are you implying? Oh.

Oh, wow.

I don't know. Does the date July 4th, 1995 mean anything to you? You son of a

bitch.

Hi! I'm the new champion with 29 hot dogs, Lily the Belly Aldrin!

Hello.

How is that relevant to teaching kindergarten?

It teaches kids that I can eat a lot of hot dogs very quickly. Yeah, but you

can't do it anymore.

You can't dunk anymore, lady hips.

How dare you? These hips could mend sides.

I didn't even get the lotto girl gig.

I have to move back to Canada.

I can't believe this.

I remember the night before I moved down here.

They threw a going-away party for me.

They gave me a camera so I could take pictures and send them home.

And everyone was so sure I was gonna be such a big success.

I'm really gonna miss you guys.

What happened?

Robin has to move back to Canada.

Oh, my God, how awful.

I mean, for one thing, it's gonna be a really long commute.

What do you mean?

I finished your video resume on my own, messengered it to every station in the

city. A guy from Channel 8 called.

He loved you. He wanted you to come in and audition.

Oh, my God.

I told him, no, Robin Scherbatsky doesn't audition.

He gives you the job or nothing.

So I got the job?

No, he cursed me out and hung up.

But then Channel 12 called. They also loved you.

They offered you a job hosting their new morning talk show.

I told him to shove it dude.

It's only made them want you more so they jacked up their offer by 10%

Congratulations, mr. Botsky. It looks like you're gonna have to stay

You're

not about to dance are you? Oh, no, I'm good.

I'll do it later How did you pull this off I am the master

of the possible

You really are.

Thank you.

So thanks to your Uncle Barney, we got to keep your Aunt Robin.

And the rest of

us decided it was time to let some things go.

Well, except for Lily.

What's the count?

33!