Original subtitles

Kids, in the winter of 2009, Aunt Robin and I had just become roommates.

And to be honest, it wasn't going very smoothly.

Ooh, that looks good. I'm gonna get some.

Mm, there's no more milk.

No, I just saw some in the fridge.

Empty. So throw it out.

The trash can's full.

So take the trash out.

I'm eating cereal.

You know, when I asked you to be my roommate, I figured, she's a girl.

She'll be neat. But no, you're Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds.

You know what, Ted?

Instead of coming up with hot-off-the-press topical references

like that, maybe you should spend a little time, I don't know, washing a

dish? Ever?

Oh, darn.

I can't. I'm too busy leaving a plate of cookies for the magical elf who changes

the toilet paper roll. Wait.

There's no elf. It's always me.

I always change it. You never do. That is ridiculous. I've changed it like the

last five times.

Stop, stop.

What is going on?

When we were dating each other, we were practically living together and we

didn't drive each other this crazy. I know!

What happened?

You know what it is?

We were having sex.

Men and women need sex to live together. It solves all disputes.

Oh, like Barney's theory about world peace?

So I explained to her, I said, Madeline, every single international conflict

essentially boils down to sexual tension.

Every international conflict? Every single one, dude.

So the crisis in the Middle East could be solved by... Gaza strippers.

Next.

Apartheid? Apart thighs.

What else you got?

Cold War.

Mrs. Gorbachev, take down those pants.

Well, guess we should just start having sex then.

Yeah, right.

What? I know.

It's like riding a bike, huh, buddy?

Riding a bike upside down, maybe.

Okay, listen. If this is gonna happen on occasion, we can't tell anyone about

this. Deal?

Deal. Deal.

Marshall?

What the hell are you guys doing? What, are you guys, like, back together?

No, we're just having sex so we don't fight anymore.

Oh, that's a great idea. No, really, two thumbs up, guys. Hey, I just looked into

the future, and that works out really great for everyone.

What are you even doing here?

I was on my way to work, and I just had to drop by here to read this magazine.

In that room over there.

Oh, I get it.

No problem, buddy. Uh, yes, a problem, buddy. You came all the way over here to

read a magazine?

I'm willing to bet that there is a place to read a magazine at work. You know, a

room with a little man on the door?

Okay, Robin, come on. Nobody likes to read a magazine at work. I mean, you

walk out of your office holding a magazine, and that magazine is saying

one thing and one thing only.

Look at what Marshall's about to do.

Marshall's about to read a big old magazine in the bathroom that you all

share with him.

Well, have you thought about maybe not reading a magazine when you read a

magazine? You gotta read a magazine. I mean, that's why there's magazines.

Otherwise, it's just time you're not getting back.

Exactly. And the worst part is this. That stretch of hallway from my door to

that restroom is a gauntlet of...

Judging eyes.

You got my boss.

We all know exactly what you're about to do.

Her boss?

Hey, Erickson, why don't you just move your desk in there?

I can't believe he has a wife, Donald.

Oh, sweetie, so obvious.

Anyways, I just would rather do that here.

No, I'm sorry. This is our apartment now. Marshall, you have to read a

magazine someplace else.

Give me your key. Yeah, I'm not going to do that.

Marshall. I seem to recall a deal being struck between three parties wherein

none would discuss a certain event that transpired. An event of the eh-oh, eh

-oh, eh-oh persuasion. That key, madam, buys my silence.

Good day to you both.

You two hooked up?

Thanks a lot, Willie.

So, wow.

You two slept together. That is off-some.

Off-some.

Nice work, Ted. Tap that.

It sounds like a bigger deal than it is. Yeah, we talked it over, and we both

realized we've had a rough couple of months. We deserve a little fun.

No, this could wind up ruining your friendship. When two exes try to just be

casual, someone always winds up getting hurt.

Turned out Lily was right.

But more on that later.

Look, guys, we got this covered, okay? No one's going to get hurt. We set up

ground rules.

Okay, rule number one, this is strictly a physical relationship. There are no

feelings involved, okay? Oh, please, that's like telling the Fonz to be cool.

And since it's just physical, we don't have to worry about romance, right?

Hell no.

Oh, we could do a watch TV.

Totally. We can multitask, you know? Use the sex to spice up otherwise dull

activities. Like folding laundry.

Paying bills.

Cooking dinner.

That doesn't seem hygienic. Yeah, not that one.

And now that we're hooking up, we're not fighting anymore.

Problem solved.

Actually, the credit belongs to Barney. This whole idea came out of your thing

about world peace. Yeah, thanks, Barney. You were right. Peace was achieved.

Repeatedly.

So I'm responsible for... Excellent.

Excellent. Excellent.

Next round's on me!

Hey, are you okay? Yeah, why do you ask?

Well, for one thing, you're openly weeping.

With joy.

So happy for those two.

Harry, admit it. You still have feelings for Robin, and this is killing you.

I am totally fine.

Now, excuse me for just a minute.

Totally fine.

Honey, you have to learn how to express these feelings.

Maybe you should talk to a psychiatrist.

Please. If I'm going to pay some woman $200 an hour to make me feel better, we

aren't going to be talking.

And we're both going to be on that couch.

The woman in this scenario is a prostitute.

A dirty, skanky, surgically enhanced Eastern European... I got it.

And there's something kind of liberating about not taking it all too seriously.

Last night, we actually did it while I was returning a bunch of phone calls.

I knew you didn't get a rowing machine.

Awesome. We're still talking about this.

Look, guys, this is a private thing between me and Ted. Private thing?

Look,

we wouldn't even be talking about this if Marshall could read a magazine at

work. Oh, he's always been this way. Remember law school?

Sure do.

Baby?

Baby, what is it? The credit card bill came today. You checked into a hotel two

blocks from the school on a Tuesday.

It's not what you think. Who is she, Marshall? What's her name?

Burrito.

Carnitas Burrito.

So you checked into a hotel room just so you could read a magazine there?

Hey, Robin, do you want me to see if the waitress has any giant sugar cubes for

that high horse of yours?

Nobody likes to read a magazine at work, and if they say that they do, then

they're not human. Dude, I read a magazine at work every day. I can't tell

you how many meetings I've been late to because I was busy reading a magazine.

But I don't feel bad about it. That's my time.

Sure, reading a magazine ain't pretty.

But, you know, something I gotta do.

So why be ashamed about it?

But reading a magazine means masturbating, right?

I can't believe it. You drank all my milk again.

We can have sex.

Okay.

It's the perfect setup.

Anytime we start getting into an argument, we just have sex instead.

One minute we're just laying into each other, and then the next minute...

Well, same thing.

Awesome.

So this morning, she's yelling at me through the door. You're taking too long

in the shower.

Next thing I know, she hops in.

Now, baby, don't mind.

I took my time.

So awesome.

Sorry I'm late.

I was just jamming on Scherbatsky. She used up all my stamps, so long story

short, the postman rang twice.

You must bump this!

That's just so... Excuse me for a second.

So you're saying plasmas are better for low light, but LCDs are better for

games? Right. But CRTs have the truest blacks.

So if I want a really crisp contrast ratio?

The CRT's deep pixel cell structure produces a resolution you just can't

match with an LCD.

Oh.

I'll take the CRT.

Arnie, this is nuts.

I am doing just fine, thank you. No, you're not.

You need to learn to let this stuff out. Like we do in my kindergarten class.

Feeling sour every Tuesday morning.

Look, Lily, maybe your kindergartners are upset that their friends are

sleeping with each other, but not me.

I have never been better.

Meanwhile, Marshall was still struggling at work.

Coming through.

Big breakfast this morning. You know what that means.

But then came the best news he'd heard in a long time.

And did you hear?

they laid off everybody on the a floor i know it's a ghost town down there

Hey, that was fun last night. Word.

That was a good one.

Mental note, don't throw out the pizza box more often.

All right. See you later.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

So, last night, Robin left a pizza box out on the floor so we had sex three

times? Sure.

And then this morning, before I left for work, we kissed.

Well, that's weird.

That is weird.

Right? That kiss violated the spirit of our whole arrangement. I mean, she

probably thinks I'm getting feelings for her. Well, are you? Yes, I'm in love

with her.

Is what you... That's you, dude.

No, it didn't mean anything. It was just some leftover reflex from when we were a

couple. But I think I probably blew it.

Definitely.

It is so over.

Hold the phone. Maybe Rob didn't think it was weird. It was weird.

Weird, weird, weird, weird, weird. W-I-E-R-D.

Weird. That's not how you spell weird. Come on, Lily. Nobody likes a tat.

I tried to warn you. When exes relapse, someone always gets hurt. But no one

listened. Story of my life. My cuteness interferes with people hearing my

message. What should I do?

There's only one thing to do.

You have to stop sleeping together, please.

I think we have to stop sleeping together. With me and Ted, it's like

cigarettes. You have one when you're drunk and you think it's fine, but

before you know it, you're buying a carton a week.

I think I have to end it.

Yep, I have to end it.

So, we're ending it, huh?

I think so, yeah.

That's probably for the best.

It was fun, but...

I don't want things to get weird. Me neither.

Roomies? Roomies.

Robin! But we tell no one.

Deal?

Deal. Deal.

Dude! Come on!

What is the matter with you?

That one.

So that didn't last long.

By the way, Marshall, what were you doing back in our apartment? I thought

you had the perfect situation.

I did.

Everything was going great. I was feeling more comfortable, more

confident. I felt I could take on the world.

So one morning, I took my magazine down to the eighth floor.

We gotta get this whole place.

I need these walls taken out.

Here.

And here.

You got it.

Celebrities pick up their dry cleaning?

I pick up my dry cleaning.

Don't come in!

So that didn't last long.

Oh, thanks.

What are you doing?

Oh, well, since all these roomy squabbles are still causing friction

between you and Robin, I thought I'd help out.

Oh, BTW, I went by the post office today. I picked you up some stamps.

Here's 10,000. That ought to do you.

Um, okay.

Thanks. I guess.

Hey, uh, you want a beer?

All right.

Whoa!

I picked those up on the way over. It was nothing.

Did you buy us a dishwasher?

No. That dishwasher's always been there. How long have you lived here?

So you're doing all this to keep me and Robin from fighting, huh?

Exactly. I worry about you, too.

It bothers you that Robin and I are hooking up, doesn't it?

No, not at all. That's crazy.

What?

Are you in love with Robin?

You're in love with Robin.

That's why you don't want us hooking up. What?

That is crazy talk.

Can't a bro clean another bro's apartment like bros do?

Name me one bro in the history of bros who has ever done that.

Um... I'll name two.

Misters Clean and Belvedere.

Look, this thing with me and Robin, it's totally casual. I'm not gonna freak out

if you tell me you have feelings for her, so...

do you no no i don't i don't no i don't i don't no robin is all yours dude have

fun with her now if you'll excuse me i'm gonna go sleep with other girls are you

sure yes positive absolutely

and then i stormed out why did i do that

i mean maybe it goes back to my father issues but I basically gave my best

friend license to have sex with the girl of my dreams.

I totally sabotaged myself.

And now I'm smoking.

Now I'm smoking.

Get out.

But it's feelings hour, and I'm holding Feely the share bear.

And whoever's holding Feely the share bear gets to sit in the share chair.

Bernie, this is not your private therapist's office.

These kids have issues to talk about, too, you know.

Ben's parents are getting divorced.

They are?

Who wants to do some coloring?

Oh, great. Did Lily send you? I don't have the bear, okay?

I'm not giving it back.

Why are you smiling?

Uh, I just read a magazine here at work.

What? Yeah, it's the funniest thing. I was online looking up rates for hotels

when I realized something.

Stupid.

I decided it was time to let go of my hang-ups and do the thing I gotta do,

and once I made that decision, everything changed.

There's a young man who's comfortable with who he is.

I know what you're about to do, and I respect you for it.

Hey, Erickson, go the distance.

Marshall, you made a brave step today. Remember what Shakespeare wrote.

Virtue is bold, and goodness never fearful.

You're right.

Super hot lady who my wife keeps telling me why you're famous, but I keep

forgetting.

Let's do this.

Lead the way.

Wow, Marshall.

Congratulations.

Thanks. I was going to have to do it eventually, you know. Sometimes you just

got to man up and just go for it.

Marshall, I have to go.

Oh, by the way, I have a bathroom here if you ever want to use it.

Son of a... Ted, I have to tell you the truth.

I'm in love with tacos.

What are you doing? I'm taking out the trizash.

Yeah. If you're looking for Ted, he left.

And, uh... Our little arrangement is over, by the way. Really? That's aus

-ful.

Aus-ful?

Yeah, it's just aus-ful.

What happened?

He just insisted. He said he couldn't do it anymore because someone's gonna get

hurt. I think we all know who he meant by that.

Do we?

Isn't it obvious?

Is it?

Yeah.

It's Ted.

You know what a romantic he is. He can't separate the physical from the

emotional. He's all like... I love you.

Exactly.

He's not like you, you know?

Besides, we're friends.

I don't want to screw that up by getting involved.

Dating friends never works out.

So, uh, you want to get a taco?

Taco? You love them, remember?

Right.

Come on, I'm hungry.

So Robin and I went back to just being roommates, and things went back to

normal.

Your Aunt Lily was right.

When two exes decide to just be casual, someone always gets hurt.

It just wasn't one of us.