Original subtitles

Hey. Hey, guys. How's it going?

I'm just going to finish this.

We just had dinner with Stella's sister and her fiancé. They're getting married

before us.

Okay, you know how you've dreamt about your perfect wedding day ever since you

were a little girl? Totally.

My sister is stealing my dream wedding. Down to every last detail. On Shelter

Island, at sunset, just down the beach from our family's old summer house.

It's my dream wedding.

I'm going to finish this.

Uh, the lamb here is supposed to be great. Oh, I'm a vegan.

I wish I could tune out that moral voice inside me that says eating animals is

murder. But I guess I'm just not as strong as you are.

That's because you need protein.

I'll have the lamb.

Okay, new goal. I want our wedding to kick her wedding's ass.

I want our wedding to take her wedding's head and shove it in the toilet and

flush it like 20 times.

in high school, you were her wedding, weren't you?

You know, she's always trying to one-up me.

I mean, I love her, but there's a little part of me that kind of wishes this

whole thing would just fall apart.

I hate him.

I hate him. I hate him.

God, this steak is so good.

Four days to go, and he just runs off with a vitamin consultant from Whole

Foods? I gave up makeup for him.

I gave up showering for him. I gave up shaving my armpits for him.

Hard to imagine where it all went wrong.

And now it's so close to the wedding, there's, like, Bacon or something in

this dipping sauce. I love it. I can't get any refunds. I'm going to be out

thousands of dollars.

Kids, when you're in a relationship, you develop a kind of telepathy with your

partner. What do you think?

We could help her out.

No, Stella.

We should help her out.

Let's pay for dinner.

Nora, don't worry.

We got this.

That's right.

We'll take over your wedding, pay you back for everything you've spent.

Ted and I'll get married this Sunday.

Wow. We're getting married this Sunday?

Are we sure we're ready for this?

Ted, I wasted years trying to get Lucy's dad to decide he was ready for this.

But he never got ready for this. That's why we never got married.

Come on, let's just be spontaneous.

I used to dream that Tony would be spontaneous like this.

Okay, I'm in.

And I'm also spontaneous.

I wish I hadn't done that.

Kids? Morals usually come at the end of stories, but this one is so important

I'm going to tell you now.

Don't ever, ever invite an ex to your wedding. If someone had given me that

advice, well, it would have changed everything.

Come on, you've got to come. It's my wedding. I can't. I'm in Tokyo.

It's my first week on the job. I can't just take off.

Plus, I'm finally doing serious news.

Robin was doing serious news.

It was the number one English news network in Japan.

Of course, the news was a little different over there.

It's my wedding. You have to be there. Okay,

okay, I'll be there. Oops, I gotta go.

Good evening.

And I'm Robin Scherbatsky.

These talks were stalled once again in the Middle East.

Despite a promising start...

Latest negotiations.

Cox foundered on security issues.

She's in.

Yes! All right, Ted, your bachelor party tonight. I have got three of the most

physically and morally flexible exotic dancers you have ever seen. You can't.

There's no time. Okay, I'll let you know how it goes. Marshall, we should really

rent the cars for tomorrow, huh? Sure.

What?

No, don't get married, Ted.

No, you're making a big mistake, Ted.

Barney Stinson, are you no longer committed to the war on marriage?

No, I just know a hopeless cause when I see it.

It's the same reason I don't recycle.

Plus, Ted getting married is in my best interest.

You see, lately I've been working on a problem of the utmost importance.

I confess I was stumped until one night I decided to tackle it once and for all.

Then, at last, I cracked the code.

So you're back on Robin.

Hopefully. I mean, this weekend is the best chance ever to hook up with her

again. You'll never pull it off. There's too many distractions.

The first drunk bridesmaid you see, you'll have your head under her dress

like an old-time photographer.

Lily, don't cheapen this.

I don't want to sound all mushy-gushy and romantic, but this weekend, Robin is

the only woman I'm banging.

And so, the day before our wedding, Stella and I made the trip up to Shelter

Island, with everyone else not far behind.

This isn't exactly where I pictured Ted getting married. The Namaste Yoga and

Meditation Collective.

I don't know about you guys, but Namaste here any longer than I have to.

All right, sweetie, go check in with that dirty hippie over there, and we'll

get some drinks.

So, uh, what scotches you got?

Oh, here at the center, we have a very strict no-alcohol policy.

Great,

and all the meals are included, right?

Yep. And they're all 100% vegan.

No, I need alcohol.

I'm not going to get Robin with this stuff.

Look at this.

Berry Blaster Brain Revitalizer. My God, some of these drinks could actually make

a girl smarter.

What sort of hell has Ted brought us to?

There's no meat. There's no alcohol.

It gets worse.

I'm 90% sure that guy you were talking with used to be lead singer of the Spin

Doctors.

Guys, Stella and I have a little problem.

Oh, the programs look great.

I mean, it's not our names on the front, but otherwise, really nice.

Oh, hey, I talked to Robin.

She's running a little bit late, but she'll be here just under the wire.

You invited Robin?

Yeah, of course.

You never told me that.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Can I help?

You feel glad.

You like Robin.

Yeah, but she's your ex-girlfriend.

It's weird.

It's not weird. It is weird.

You don't get what it's like for a bride to see her groom's ex at their wedding.

Oh, stop it.

Your new husband used to nail me like three times a day.

Having exes around, I don't know, it brings up unresolved things.

How do you know that that spark won't come back with your ex sitting up there?

Come on, we're just friends. Plus, Robin and I already had our backslide.

Last Thanksgiving, not even that long ago.

Did you place a large bet against yourself in this argument?

She already got her ticket.

Ted, it's important to me.

I mean, I would never invite Lucy's dad.

I wouldn't care if you did. Tony's great. Let's invite him, too.

No, Tony is the last person I want at our wedding, okay?

And Robin is a close second.

Robin's probably about to get on the plane.

Plus, she left a really important job for this.

Spurred by environmental concerns and high gasoline prices, sales of hybrid

vehicles have risen 11% over the previous year. What should I do?

I don't know. I kind of get the no exit thing. Why ask a failed romance to come

and watch your successful one? You know, it's like inviting the Seattle Mariners

to a World Series game. It's just weird for everyone.

No, Robin has to come.

Right. She's like my best friend.

Whoa. Female friend. My best female friend. Hey, whoa.

I don't care. We'll fake it.

Dude, Robin has to be here. She shouldn't come. What are you talking

about? Justice Aldrin, tie-breaking vote.

Okay. Wouldn't feel right without Robin. But you don't mess with the bride.

I'm going to tell her not to come.

Oh, no. It's the right decision. This is going to be like the worst phone

conversation of all time. Ted, Ted, Ted.

Call best man. I'm on.

Hello? Robin, where are you? Just heading to the airport.

Okay. We'll see you soon. Have a great flight.

Bad news.

I couldn't reach her.

Robin's already on her way.

Okay, Robin's on her way.

You know what? I'm glad.

Exes should be allowed to come to weddings. I'll just tell Stella she's

got to deal with it. I think you need to be more delicate with Stella about this

whole Robin thing.

What do you mean by delicate?

Brides are under a lot of stress before a wedding. I mean, of course, I held it

together pretty well.

You don't remember.

The florist just told me the roses are more light medium pink than medium pink.

My medium pig, everything's ruined.

Our wedding site uses a gravity furnace instead of forced air heating.

That's the one thing I cared about. Why are we even getting married?

After a while, it's all

noise.

Of course, Stella's had to jam months of crazy into just three days.

So what do I do?

You wait for the next crisis. You solve it. You're a hero. Then you bring up the

Robin thing, but this time she'll say yes.

Yeah, but what if there's no next crisis?

She's a bride.

There'll be a next crisis.

There's a next crisis!

Awesome! What is it?

My daughter, my own daughter, isn't coming to our wedding.

What?

Tony's supposed to drive her up tomorrow, but now he's being all petty

about me getting married and he won't do it.

It's been five years. Why can't we just move on already?

So first thing tomorrow, I drive down, talk to him, get him to let me drive

Lucy up. Then boom, crisis solved.

Stella's happy. Robin comes to the wedding.

Hey, you Barney?

Yes? I hear you're a real man-whore, so listen up.

Tomorrow night I want to do things so dirty and so depraved that I forget that

this was supposed to be my wedding.

I'm kind of here with someone.

Bring her.

Never gonna make it.

So, the morning of my wedding day, I made the trip back to Tony's house to

get Lucy.

Tony!

Doing a little... Sorry.

Sorry, man. You just set off my internal defense alarm.

Gotta watch these things.

Stay alert, stay alive.

Right. So what brings you here?

I thought you'd be off in some honeymoon suite with my woman right now.

Not yet.

Soon. That's right.

Tonight's the night. Yeah.

Oh, man. You're gonna be sticking it to the mother of my child.

Actually, I've already stuck it to her plenty of times. Why do I always have to

correct people?

Oh, man. You and Stella.

You lucky dog. I could just...

I'm so happy for you guys.

Yeah, uh, hey, listen, here's the thing. Uh, Lucy.

You can't take her.

Tony, stop. Look, this is a big day for Lucy, too.

You're gonna have to put aside your own issues and think about what's best for

her here.

Whether you like it or not, she really should be at her mother's wedding, so

I'm taking Lucy with me.

You're right, man.

You're right.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just seeing you guys, it's made me realize

everything I had.

Hey, hey, hey.

Let's stop hugging.

I'm sorry.

It's just Lucy means the world to me.

And I feel like I'm losing her to this new family, a family I'm not even a part

of. Come on, sure you are. No, no, I wasn't even invited to the wedding.

Well, you are now.

Road trip!

Road trip two, back in the car.

So, today's the day.

You hydrating?

Dear female, thank you for your interest in Barney Stinson.

Your back is going to look like a Jackson Pollock.

I regret to inform you that at this time... I was a vegan for two years.

I need meat.

There are currently no positions available.

I'm a yoga instructor.

Every position is available.

Your room, 20 minutes.

No foreplay.

I'm not going to make it, am I?

Not a chance.

Okay, just remember, let me talk to Stella first, okay?

Give me just a sec, okay?

Hey. Hey, Tony.

Yes? Hey. You invited Tony to our wedding?

Ted, we talked about this. No exes at our wedding. Why would you do this?

Oh, boy.

What did Ted do this time?

Ted, what is Robin doing here? I thought I made myself clear. No exes at our

wedding.

To be fair...

Your ex is here. You invited him!

Come on, it's not weird.

It is weird.

It's like things are not finished between you two.

And Tony, I can't deal with Tony right now. Can you please go out there and

tell him to leave? You can make me the bad guy.

I'll go talk to Robin so she knows it's nothing personal.

Okay.

And kids, if I had just let Stella talk to Robin, this whole story might have

ended differently.

I understand.

I get it.

For the first time, Ted and Stella Roeske.

And that's how I met your mother.

Blah, blah, blah.

Has your dad finally done yakking? Ah, come on. Who wants ice cream?

But I didn't.

Look, can you talk to Tony? Robin flew all the way here from Tokyo. I should

talk to her.

Sure.

Sorry about running off like that.

Oh, it's okay. You would not believe the trip I just had. I was on a plane for

almost a full day. But it is worth it to see you get married.

God, how could I not be here? You can't come to the wedding. Oh, thank God.

What? Ted, it's weird.

It's not weird. It is weird. Do you know how it feels to be somebody's ex at

their wedding?

Stella. Hi.

Oh, suck it, bitch. I win.

We broke up over a year ago.

Yeah, but...

That's not that long ago.

Watching you marry another woman isn't exactly something I was looking forward

to.

I don't know. I just thought if I ever changed my mind about marriage and kids,

it was nice to know that you were there.

So I was your safety school. How flattering. No, that's not it. It's just

that... Why are you bringing any of this up? There's nothing between us anymore.

Well, maybe there is.

I mean, of course there is. That kind of stuff just doesn't disappear without a

trace.

Look, I'm not just another guest here, Ted.

Right. We used to date, but we both moved on. And look, we got what we

wanted. I'm getting married. You got your dream job in Tokyo.

And they all lived happily ever... I quit my job.

You what? I'm moving back to New York.

I thought I wanted that job, but I want to come back to my real life.

And I think you should go back to yours.

What's that supposed to mean?

Don't get married.

Look, you're rushing into this.

It's like you're trying to skip ahead to the end of the book.

Ted, you're the most romantic guy I know. You stole a blue French horn from

me. You tried to make it rain. I did make it rain. It was a coincidence.

But after all that, this is how your great romantic quest comes to an end?

You're just disappearing into someone else's wedding, someone else's house,

someone else's life without a second thought.

That's not the amazing ending that you deserve.

That's not Ted Mosby.

I love Stella.

She's the one.

If you really feel that way, I guess it's a good thing you're not coming to

the wedding after all.

Big fight?

Yeah.

Here.

It's on the house.

Keep them coming.

Oh, God, do not keep them coming.

Hey, Robin.

Barney.

I am having a horrible day.

I smacked some scotch in from the duty-free store. You want to join me?

Yeah, yeah. Let's go to your room. Far away from this room, and we can knock it

back. Well, they didn't get me a room. I was actually hoping I could stay with

you.

No problem.

I just have to straighten up a little bit. I've got some clothes on the floor

and... A naked girl tied to your headboard.

It paddles all over the bathroom. It's a mess.

So, anyway, give me ten minutes to get the place in order, and I'm sure to

speak. I'm... Shh.

Okay, let's do this.

Who the hell is that?

Um, it's the girl from the front desk.

Shh.

Kids, sometimes you think you're living out one story, but the truth turns out

to be something else entirely.

At the time, I thought the story was about whether

Robin should be at the wedding.

If only I'd understood what the real

story was.

Having exes around, I don't know, it brings up unresolved things.

How do you know that that spark won't come back with your ex sitting up there?

It's like things are not finished between you two.

I wasted years trying to get Lucy's dad to decide he was ready for this.

Seeing you guys, it's made me realize everything I had.

I used to dream that Tony would be spontaneous like this.

Seriously, kids, never invite an ex to your wedding.