Original subtitles

Kids, when I first moved to New York, it was dingy, disgusting, dirty, ugly, flea

-ridden, stinky, and altogether terrifying.

But then, sadly, the whole city started to go uphill.

The streets got a little cleaner, the rents got a little higher, and one by

one, the crappy old places we love began to disappear.

The Elbow Room, an old punk rock club, became a drugstore.

McHale's, a working-class watering hole, Became a fast food place.

And Fez, this awesome lounge at 85th and Broadway, became a bank.

And not just any bank.

Goliath National Bank.

The world leader in credit and banking.

God, I love Goliath National Bank.

Okay, first of all, you look like the last pick in the draft.

And second, why are you so excited about some bank?

Our company just bought them out in a ruthless takeover. Took two months.

Cost 2,000 jobs.

It was brutal.

Who wants a T-shirt?

Hey, Marshall, they're hiring in the legal department. I could get you a job.

Barney, Marshall didn't quit his last soul-sucking corporate job just to go

work at a bank.

He's gonna be an environmental lawyer.

That was the plan, anyway.

Over the next few weeks, Marshall went on a lot of interviews.

You are confident.

You are energetic.

You are focused.

A lot of interviews.

You are flexible on salary.

You're willing to compromise?

You're not going to cry this time.

Too many interviews.

You are sad.

You are beaten down.

You will get through this, come home, get in your big underpants, and take a

nap.

Which brings us to September 29th, the night of the burger.

So, um, what do you guys want to do for dinner?

Oh, we just got a new cook. You have to try the burger. It's amazing.

Oh, great. We'll take five of those.

Five burgers.

Whoa, um, really? You want to eat here? Yeah, I'm freaking starving. I just

finished a seven-day cleanse.

I thought you just started that yesterday.

I finish early, okay?

Five of those.

Five burgers. Whoa, um, wait.

What about sushi? Oh, we had sushi last night. Italian?

I had Italian for lunch. I can come back. No, we always do this. We spend an

hour arguing about where to eat, and then we end up eating here anyway. I

haven't eaten for two days. Can we please, for the love of God, just order

something now?

Chinese? I don't like Chinese.

Indian? I just said I don't like Chinese.

Indian isn't Chinese.

Weird meets funny music side of rice. Why are we splitting hairs?

Mexican? I just said I don't like Chinese.

Robin,

yours will be right out.

Of course, mine comes last.

Go ahead, start without me.

Oh, my God.

This burger is so good.

It's like Christmas in my mouth. Meat Christmas.

It's like an angel from heaven landed in the kitchen at McLaren's where the chef

killed it and ran it through the meat grinder.

I love this burger so much, I want to sew my ass shut.

It's okay.

Guys when you've had the best burger in New York City every other burger tastes

like my grandpa's feet But you guys eat up enjoy my grandpa's feet. Oh, and

you've had the best burger in New York It was eight years ago my first week in

New York and for a kid from Minnesota the big city was a scary place

You are being ridiculous.

Tell me you left the apartment today. Why would I have to leave? I can have

anything I want delivered, and New York City cable is awesome.

Have you seen this public access show with the old Jewish lady in a bikini?

It's disgusting.

Marshall, you have to get over this paranoia. You are not going to get

mugged. Well, what if I do, Ted? All right, I don't have a switchblade. I

don't know how to break dance and win the begrudging respect of a street gang.

All right, that's it. You're taking a walk. Come on, go.

No, look, the old lady in a bikini is back on. I'm just going to lie back and

get comfortable. Go. Go outside.

Go, go.

Okay.

Give the bat.

Fine.

So I went for a walk in the big, scary city, and I discovered something

amazing. It wasn't scary at all. All right.

What's the word?

Your search is over.

And then, right when I started to get a little hungry, I turned a corner.

And there it was.

The tiniest little burger joint you ever saw.

Tucked between a taxidermist and a XXX bookstore. Name two places where things

get stuffed.

So, I went inside.

And I ordered the burger.

Thank you.

Ted, you gotta wake up.

Ted, wake up.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

All right.

Ted, Ted, I've just had the most amazing burger of my life. It's this awesome

little place. Regis Philbin eats there, so it's sort of like a celebrity hot

spot. But the burger, Ted.

The burger. Dude, I want one of those burgers right now. Do you think they're

still open?

I don't know. Does stuff in New York stay open past 9.30?

So we went out to get another burger.

But after hours of searching, damn it, where is this place?

You couldn't find it? We didn't know our way around. Just getting back to the

apartment took us three hours and one very helpful drag queen.

Wait, Penny Noir was a drag queen?

Well, where do you think it was?

Probably tucked between her legs.

You know what's not a drag? Getting a home equity loan at Goliath National

Bank. I'm just saying.

Anyways, um, we never found the place.

Now eight years have passed, still...

No burger.

I couldn't help but overhear.

Okay, here we go. I know the place you're talking about. No, you don't.

It's a place called the Corner Bistro.

Great burger.

Oh!

Oh, the Corner Bistro. Huh.

It's amazing. I spent a quarter of my life searching for the best burger in

New York City, but silly me, it never occurred to me to check the highest

-rated burger in the Zagat Guide.

Well, thanks a lot, guy. Let me return the favor. Um, great cup of coffee?

Starbucks. Shh.

So, I take it you've tried the Corner Bistro?

Robin.

I've tried every so-called best burger in New York City trying to find that

burger.

Or at least forget about her.

We're going.

And none of those places even came close.

Hey, there was that one time we thought we had a break in the case, remember?

Get this. You know who works out at my gym?

Regis Philbin.

The autographed picture.

Of course I remember the place.

It was the best burger I ever had.

I still have dreams about this burger.

Beautiful, haunting dreams.

I wake up at night screaming, get out of my head, burger!

Get out!

That's the one, Mr. Philbin. Do you remember where it is? No, I never wrote

it down.

But not a day goes by.

And I don't regret it.

Why? Why, do you know where it is?

And if you tell me it's at the corner bistro, I'm going to smack you right in

the face. No, we don't know where it is. Listen, Blondie, don't mess with me.

Daddy needs his meat. I don't know where it is, Regis, I swear.

What about you, Lurch?

And what about you, Satchel Mouth?

This is my cell.

You find that burger.

You call me day or night. Okay, Regis, we will. We will. All right, so what are

you waiting for? I'll get out and find the burger. All right, all right. Let's

go.

That's where my story ends.

Now I'm doomed to walk the earth forever searching for that green door and that

red neon sign that says burger.

Green door, red neon sign that says burger?

Yeah. I know that place. I've walked by it a million times. It's on West 12th

right off of 7th.

I knew it was on a numbered street.

Finally. No.

Robin, if any of us is going to eat a burger tonight, it's going to be the

best burger in New York.

We're going downtown.

No.

I cannot believe we're finally going to have this burger.

Honey, I'm so excited for you. After all these interviews, after all these

disappointments, you deserve a triumphant mouthful of meat.

You know what else is a mouthful?

All that double talk other banks give you. At Goliath, customer satisfaction

is our most important investment.

Barney, I hate to break this to you, but working for a bank's kind of lame. Oh,

yeah. How lame is free automatic bill pay, Lil? How lame is 3.3% APY online

savings? Yeah, that's right.

Hate to make you look stupid in front of your friends, but you left me no choice.

Oh, um, we should probably call Regis.

Regis? Oh, that guy scares me. I think I'll leave him a text.

Now, Kathy, your last flip was heads.

The one before that was tails. You pulled the audience.

They came out split, 50-50.

No help at all there.

So, for $258,000, I have to ask you, Kathy,

what's it going to be?

Heads or... Oh, boy.

I've got to go.

I've got to go!

Green door.

Red neon sign. Guys, this is the place.

Oh, no, I've actually prepared a few words. I won't eat your hand. Let's just

go inside then, shall we?

Thank you. You're welcome. Yours will be right out.

Please go ahead and start.

Just shut up and eat.

Oh, my God.

I'm never brushing my teeth again, unless it's with a toothbrush made from

this burger.

I think I just had my first burgasm.

I want to take this burger out to dinner, then maybe a movie, then

take it back to my place, put on a little Terrence Trent Darby, and then I

will just fool around a little bit.

Nothing serious. Just take it slow, you know?

This isn't happening.

That's not it.

Hey, Marshall, you might not want to hear this, but is it at all possible

this is the same burger you had eight years ago when you could never live up

to your ridiculously high expectations?

I mean, it is just a burger. Just a burger.

Just a burger.

Robin, it's so much more than just a burger.

I mean, that first bite.

Oh, what heaven that first bite is.

The bun, like a sesame freckle.

breast of an angel resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below flavors

mingling in a seductive pas de deux and then a pickle

the most playful little pickle and then a slice of tomato a leaf of

lettuce and a patty of ground beef so exquisite

swirling in your mouth, breaking apart and combining again in a fugue of sweets

and savory so delightful.

This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread, Robin. This is God

speaking to us through food.

And you got our wedding vows off the internet.

Okay, look, so this isn't the place, all right? It's no big deal. It's another

place with a green door and a red neon sign that says burger.

I'll just call every restaurant in Manhattan and ask them what color their

door is.

No big deal, right?

Let's do this!

Woo!

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this isn't just about a burger.

Marshall's not doing so well, guys. He really needs to get a job. Tell them

about the underpants.

What about the underpants?

Started a couple of weeks ago.

Heads! It's gonna be heads!

It's almost usually heads.

Hey, baby. Hey!

Did you put on pants today?

Nope.

It was funny at first.

Then it became a daily thing.

And I thought, okay, well, at least he's not leaving the house like that.

And one day he opened the door to get the paper.

The day after that, went downstairs to get the mail.

Everyone's got an underpants radius.

For most of us, it's the distance from the bedroom to the bathroom.

But as your self-esteem gets smaller, your underpants radius gets bigger.

How big is Marshall's underpants radius?

We're going.

Come on, Lily. He'll find a job eventually.

You know, Lil, when times are tough, I like to remember the uplifting words of

my favorite song.

We'll be on your side when you need a friend.

Through thick and thin, you can always depend on the world leaders in credit

and banking.

Goliath National Bank.

Remember FDIC.

We've got to find Marshall that burger. Lily, I think we're all eating that

burger. I'm not eating that burger.

No, if Marshall says this isn't the burger, this isn't the burger.

Finally. Excuse me. Yes? Did you guys change cooks or something? Because my

husband was here a few years ago, and he's pretty sure he had a different...

We get this a lot. This place is modeled after this other place uptown with the

same green door and burger sign. What?

Uptown? Where?

106th and Manhattan Avenue.

106, a numbered street, of course.

Barney Simpson.

Barney, where the hell are you?

I'm sorry, this is... Regis, I got the place.

Oh, Regis, of course, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I forgot to call you.

That's not the place. The real place is on 106th and Manhattan Avenue. We're

headed there right now. What?

Uptown?

Fine,

fine, I'll be there in 20.

Do you get there first?

Medium or air?

Onions. Onions?

Okay, no onions.

Stop the cab!

Wait.

This is it.

Your search is over. We got girls taking off their clothes. This is it.

One of 9,000 convenient locations.

It was right here.

It was right on this very spot.

I don't understand. Where's the burger place?

It's not a burger place anymore. It's a Goliath National Bank ATM.

Oh, that's fine. Let's just eat here.

We can't eat here. It's an ATM.

But food.

Ow, ow. Hey, what the? This is your fault, you and your stupid bank. You did

this. Okay, ow.

Stop it, Lily.

I will never use a Goliath ATM ever again.

Goliath National Bank sucks.

It's the worst bank on the face of the earth. Attention, New Yorkers.

This bank sucks.

They suck. They suck, suck, suck.

Tell her already.

Tell me what?

I got a job.

What? Where?

Goliath National Bank.

That's why Barney's been going on and on about how great Goliath is. He wanted

you to be excited for me since we're going to be working there together.

Well, technically not together.

You won't have access to my floor.

But you want to be an environmental lawyer.

Yeah, you know, and I also want to be a Harlem Globetrotter and get paid in

candy, but in the meantime...

I need a job, and this is a really good one. It's great pay, and there's good

benefits.

And to be honest, it gives me a reason to put on pants in the morning.

You know, I had my whole life to save the planet, but right now I'm kind of

really excited to wear pants again.

You've got great pants.

I love you.

I love you.

Robin, no!

Sorry you didn't get your burger.

It's stupid.

I think about that first week in New York, you know?

I was 22 years old.

I had my whole future ahead of me.

I guess I just kind of thought that if I could have that burger one more time,

and feel that way for one more night, that I might be able to check that off

the list and grow up, go work for the stupid bank, and just be happy.

You know that burger place isn't gone.

It just moved to a new location.

And I can tell you where that is, for a hundred bucks.

A hundred bucks? That's crazy.

Let's pay the man.

I don't have any cash. I haven't worked since March.

Oh, wow.

If only there were an easy, convenient way to get some cash right now.

Member of GIC.

So we paid the guy, and 20 minutes later... Thank you.

All right, Marshall, remember, it might not taste as good. This place has

changed, you've changed, New York has changed.

Just don't get your hopes up too high, okay?

This is it.

Yes!

It's exactly the same.

It's the best burger in New York.

Eat up, eat up.

And so, after finally tasting again the burger he'd craved for so many years,

Marshall got up the next morning, put on some pants, and went to work.

And he never looked back.

I want to get tiny fitted sheets for this burger and just crawl into this bun

and get all cozy and die there.

Oh, my God.

I just want you inside of me.

This feels so good.

I'm worried I'm going to get this burger pregnant.

If he does get that burger pregnant, I have dibs on the delicious burger

babies.

This isn't it.

What?

That's outrageous. That is unbelievable.

Wait. This is it! Yeah!