Original subtitles

Kids, here's something I wish my dad had told me.

The longest pause you will ever experience in your life is the one that

follows asking the question, Will you marry me?

Your brain goes into overdrive, imagining every possible response.

No.

Oh, God, no.

No!

I'm sorry, Ted, I can't. Mark Johnson, the quarterback from your high school

football team, already asked me.

What's up, turd?

It's Ted.

But if you're lucky, she may answer with the single greatest word in the English

language.

Yes.

Stella and I spent that summer happily engaged.

Marshall was still coping with unemployment.

What are you doing?

Lily threw herself into her painting.

What are you doing?

Barney was rehabilitating from his bus accident.

What are you doing?

And well, Marshall just kept coping with unemployment.

What are you doing?

And Robin continued to uphold the high journalistic standards of Metro News 1.

Is your favorite brand of dental floss poisoning your entire family?

Tune in at 11 for the shocking... Tooth.

Okay, I officially hate my job. I'm not a reporter.

I'm just someone who shows up at night and scares people.

I'm the boogeyman with the teleprompter.

Boogeyman with a teleprompter. That's hilarious.

Great joke, Robin. Great joke.

Barney, no offense to Robin, but that wasn't that funny. Are you kidding?

That was a great joke.

Smart, funny, beautiful.

It's the whole package. It's everything you're afraid to let yourself want.

In a joke.

Boogeyman with a teleprompter.

Classic.

Okay, what is so urgent that you called me and begged me to come over at 7.22 in

the morning?

I could tell you knew something was up with me, and you're right.

But I can't tell you what it is. I should tell you, but I can't. I have to.

I never will. I'm going to. Let's just drop it. What's up with you?

Why don't you just say it?

I think I'm in love with Robin.

Hey, Lily needs some gift ideas for Stella's wedding shower.

Does she like to cook?

Um, actually, I don't know. Oh.

What's your favorite color?

Don't know that either.

Does she have any hobbies?

Yes. She's exactly the kind of person who would have hobbies.

And interests, too.

I am one lucky son of a bitch.

Dude, you don't know anything about the woman you're marrying.

What? You're crazy. I know plenty.

What color are her eyes?

The color of the ocean after a storm. Which is...

beautiful.

I don't believe it. I thought you called me over here to uncuff you from your sex

swing again, but you're in love?

That is so sweet.

It's not sweet.

It's like a disease. I slept with Robin one time and I caught feelings.

I caught feelings bad.

I used protection and everything.

Barney, you don't catch feelings. You just have them. And they're good.

They're terrible.

I can't eat. I can't sleep.

She's all I think about. I close my eyes. I see Robin.

I hear a song. It reminds me of Robin.

Barney. I sleep with that chick. I'm thinking about Robin.

Okay, so I don't know every single detail about Stella.

What's this really about? Do you not like her or something?

No, Ted, I like Stella a lot. She's a Mets fan.

Really? It's just that everything with you guys has moved so fast. You've only

known each other a few months.

Don't you think maybe you should slow things down a little bit, get to know

each other better?

I'll have a whole lifetime to get to know her better.

Right now, I know the one thing that I have to.

That I love her.

You love her.

Barney, how can you be in love and still be sleeping with anything that moves?

I'm sorry I don't follow you.

That's like saying, how can an ant carry 20 times its body weight, but root beer

floats are still delicious?

Are the two even related?

Really? Ow!

Arnie, you're going to have to stop screwing around if you want to be

Robin's boyfriend.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Boyfriend? I don't want to be Robin's boyfriend.

Well, what do you want then? I don't know.

I just want to be with her all the time.

I want to hear about her day and tell her about mine.

Hold her hand and smell her hair.

But I don't want to be your stupid boyfriend.

Barney, what you just described is a relationship between a boyfriend and a

girlfriend. And a pretty clingy one at that.

Look, Lily, are you going to help me out with this or not?

I'm a kindergarten teacher.

I see a confused little kid in the corner trying to eat the lefty scissors.

I gotta help the poor little bastard.

But only if you stop sleeping around.

Deal?

Deal. Coming up next, is your local ice cream man actually driving a roving meth

lab on wheels?

Stay tuned for the full... scoop.

Really?

Uh-huh.

I know dudes think it's girly for a guy to cook, but us ladies, we find it

mighty sexy.

Really? You know, uh...

My grandma taught me how.

Oh, yes. Yeah.

Yeah, I had a lot of time after school to watch her cook because I wasn't good

at sports.

I'm on fire right now.

Delicious.

What's in this pesto?

You know, the usual basil, garlic, olive oil. But can you guess my secret

ingredients? Peanuts?

Yes. How did you know that?

Okay, let me think. What else?

You know what, sweetie? I woke up so early and I had a really long day at

work. And then there was that whole thing where you tried to kill me. Will

you please just go to sleep?

No, I clearly need to know more about you.

Let's do firsts. Um, first kiss.

Dale Harris, second grade.

Wait, are you talking, like, peck on the cheek or a full-on passionate making

out? Passionate making out. Okay, yeah, Dale Harris, second grade. Uh, first

time you had sex.

Dale Harris, second... Stop.

Billy DeVito, sophomore year of college.

Rude. Molly McKenzie, junior year of high school.

Slut.

Robin just needs to see this new side of you. So just call her up? Just call her

up?

She wasn't there. I left a voicemail.

You left a voice, but it wasn't male.

Barney, I don't get it. You've called a million girls a million times.

Yeah, but those were just booty calls. On a booty call, you barely even have to

talk. Around 9 p.m., you say, Hey, baby, it's Barney. You busy tonight?

Sweet. See you in half an hour? Can't wait.

But the later it gets, the fewer words you need.

Barney, busy?

Sweet.

And by 3 in the morning...

A question mark? You got laid off a question mark.

Ow!

Hey, it's no worse than your super obvious code words.

It is the best.

A rhinoceros.

We have to go.

Wait, now we need a new code word.

Uh, uh, it's her. It's Robin. What do I do?

What? No, no, no, no.

Robin, great to hear from you.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

You called, went, and hung up.

What do you want?

Help me.

Just ask her something.

How are you feeling today?

Fine. Something personal.

At what age did you first get your period?

Did you just ask me about my period? No, I did not.

Look, Barney, I'm at work right now. Just ask her out.

Um, Robin, I was wondering if...

Nothing. Gotta go. Bye.

Ha ha!

Ha! That was just a practical joke.

I'm not really in love with Robin. You should have seen the look on your face.

There's cameras right there and there and there. Ah!

What a legendary prank that we're never gonna speak of again.

Gross.

Uh, first movie you ever saw?

Benji, 1981.

I watched it recently with Lucy, and I just thought, oh, that dog is so dead

right now.

What about you?

My dad took me to an old drive-in to see the original Star Wars.

You know, I've actually never seen Star Wars.

She's never seen Star Wars?

Ted, the only people in the universe who haven't seen Star Wars are the

characters in Star Wars, and that's because they lived them, Ted. That's

because they lived the Star Wars.

You've got to calm down.

I told you. I told you you didn't know this girl well enough. What if you show

it to her and she doesn't like it? Dude, it's just a movie.

Ted, Star Wars is your all-time favorite movie, and whether or not Stella likes

it is actually important. It's like it's a test of how compatible you guys are.

Marshall, it's just a movie.

It's just a movie.

Okay, if Stella doesn't like this movie, I can't marry her. No, you can't.

You want to watch it again? Yes, I do.

Where are the boys? I thought this was a group thing. Yeah, I lied. They're not

coming, and I'm about to leave.

Why?

Because they're not in love with Robin, and neither am I.

I mean, she's great and sweet.

I'm not going to pretend that I haven't noticed her body, but this is off-topic.

Good luck.

Wait, wait, I can't do this.

She'll never take me seriously. She thinks I'm some womanizing idiot.

Hey, we both know you're more than that.

Okay, just show Robin the Barney I met the other day.

You mean that insecure, touchy-feely she-male who sounded alarmingly close to

Ted? Oh, hey, Ted hit that for over a year.

Wish me luck.

I just thought it'd be fun to watch a movie tonight, and since you've never

seen Star Wars, I figured, why not?

No big deal.

It's pretty good.

Sounds like a plan.

Hmm.

Hey, I'm just gonna grab a beer. You want one? Um, the movie's already

started, so... Yeah, it's just some words flying through space.

I mean, I'm not gonna read that anyway.

Oh, my God.

Off to a bad start.

What are you doing down there?

I'm making sure my best friend is marrying the right woman. That's what

I'm doing.

Dude, what the hell are you doing hiding behind the couch?

You need to get a job.

I really do, don't I? Yeah.

So, Robin, tell me about your day.

And not just what happened, how you felt about what happened.

What? I'm not looking to problem solve. I'm just looking to listen.

Why are you acting like this? Like what?

You're being super nice. It's freaking me out. Be gross.

Be inappropriate.

Be Barney.

I'm being Barney.

And I think tonight's going to be D, wait for it, lightful.

Delightful.

Right.

Hey, um, so I went to the chiropractor yesterday.

That guy bent me over the table and pounded me for a good hour.

Insurance gonna cover that? Sometimes they don't.

That's it?

Okay.

Well, um, today I was at the dentist.

That guy drilled me all day long.

He drilled me hard.

He filled all of my cavities.

Come on, man.

Well, your teeth look fantastic. Who are you?

What?

Nothing.

You were staring at me.

You look really beautiful tonight.

You don't look so bad yourself, mister.

Yeah, great scene. Great scene?

Star Wars fun fact number seven, George Lucas based the film structure on Akira

Kurosawa's The Hidden Fortress.

He also owes a debt to Joseph Campbell's work with comparative mythology.

Yeah, Ted, I'm losing wood over here. What's going on?

Nothing.

Wait, it's really important to you that I like this movie, isn't it?

No.

Well, I'm not gonna like it with you staring at me the whole time.

Go to your room, and I will come get you when it's over. Just go. Go.

Should I leave tonight?

What part?

What part? What part?

Thanks.

Nothing. Not even a glance.

Even I was thinking about rocking a motorboat on those bad boys.

What the hell is wrong with you, Barney?

I don't always want to be that guy. Sometimes I want to be someone you can

have an actual conversation with.

Now tell me something about you that I don't know yet.

Seriously.

Okay.

There's a job opening at a new cable network that would be perfect for me.

Completely legit world news, interviews with people who matter.

But I decided I'm not going to apply.

Why not?

Because I'm a joke.

I'm just a scary news lady from some stupid local news channel.

Hey, we both know you're more than that.

Promise me you'll apply.

Barney, it's not as easy as... Promise me you'll apply.

Okay. I promise.

She's up to the scene where Luke Leia Han and Chewie escaped from the Death

Star's trash compactor great scene great scene

Okay, we should have just heard

But Stella didn't make a peep

I'm gonna take a look

texting. I'll tell her you still want to be friends. I don't believe this. I

don't believe that she knows this is important to me. She's blatantly... Stop

watching me jackasses.

To taking chances.

To taking chances.

You know, Robin, there's actually something I do want to talk to you

about. Last call?

Of course it is.

One more for the road?

Yeah, why not?

Hold that thought.

I will.

I loved it.

Yes! Yes! I am marrying a woman who is not only hot, but loves Star Wars.

That's the dream.

Yes!

What was that?

I was high-fiving 15-year-old me through the space-time continuum.

We did it! We did it, you masturbating little bastard.

Champagne for everybody.

It was so good.

You hated it, didn't you? It was so stupid.

I mean, first of all, how did they understand that walk-in bear they hang

around with all the time? Wookie.

Yeah, he goes... And they're all like, that's a good point, bear. Let's try

that. Okay, he's a Wookie, and his kind is actually more intelligent than they

appear.

Look, Stella, that is Ted's favorite movie of all time.

He watches it when he's homesick with the flu.

He watches it on rainy Sunday afternoons in the fall. He...

He watches it on Christmas Eve.

Ted watches Star Wars in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad.

Do you really think that you can pretend to like a movie that you actually hate

for the rest of your life?

I do.

Well, then Ted's a lucky guy.

So, here's the deal.

April, have you met Barney?

Hi, Barney.

Uh, hello?

April just finished her shift, and she's looking to blow off some steam.

Ha.

Would you excuse us for one sec?

What are you doing?

Well, you were so nice to me tonight. I wanted to return the favor, wingwoman

style.

So, as I was saying, April, Barney is the Yankees' new second baseman.

And Barney, April asked if tomorrow you could hit a goal for her during the

baseball match.

You can't make this stuff up.

So, you two kids have fun?

So, are you nervous about the game?

Yeah, I'm nervous for the other team.

Because when I step up to that plate... Look, April, I'm not a New York Yankee.

Any other night I would probably try to convince you that I am, but I'm not. I'm

just some guy who's in love with the girl that just left.

And she's never going to feel the same way.

So I'm just going to go.

And that was it.

I'm so sorry, Barney.

But you can't give up.

You know, it may take some time, but once Robin really sees the new you...

Barney, when my family gets to Yankee Stadium, are the tickets under your name

or mine?

My name. And tell your nephews to bring their mitts. They're going to be in foul

ball country.

Okay.

Okay. Well, the Robin stuff was completely true.

Ow! Damn it, Barney.

I mean, for the last time, you can't, you can't be in love with Robin and

still be sleeping with every bimbo on the planet.

You have to choose right now.

I choose bimbos. What? Hey, Lily, bimbos make me happy.

Bimbos make me feel alive.

Bimbos make me want to pretend to be a better man.

This whole thing with Robin was just a fling, but at the end of the day, my

heart belongs to bimbos.

No, no, this is just a defense mechanism because you're afraid of getting hurt.

You're just confused.

Oh, I'm not confused, Lily.

You know who is confused?

Bimbos. They're easily confused. It's one of the thousand little things I love

about them.

I love their vacant, trusting stares. Their sluggish, unencumbered minds.

Their unresolved daddy issues.

I love them, Lily. And they love me.

Bimbos have always been there for me. Through thick and thin.

Mostly thin. B-men don't do thick crust. What up?

See ya, Danny.

Oh.

We have to go.