Original subtitles

[brooding music]

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

[drumsticks tapping]

[upbeat rock music]

[insects chirping]

♪ I was rowin' across the pond ♪

♪ I've got my dark, dark glasses on ♪

[man vocalizing]

♪ Rowin', rowin' on ♪

[elf snarls]

[lights chiming]

- It is beginning to look a lot like strangulation.

- [Employee] Merry fucking Christmas.

[elf laughs]

♪ Rowin' ♪

- Ah, Twiddle D and Twiddle Dumber.

- This crazy.

- This is a tangled mess.

[elf grunting]

Die.

- I don't wanna die.

[elf grunts] [ominous music]

[screen whooshing] [dramatic music]

[whistle blows]

[electricity crackling]

[electricity whooshing]

[wind blowing] [birds chirping]

[upbeat music]

[knuckles tapping]

- [Candace] Hello?

- Hi. - Hi.

Oh you're here.

- How are you? - Good.

Good to see you.

- This is my sister from China.

- Hello.

- Oh. - Oh.

- You are very beautiful. - Hi.

- Thank you. - I'm Drew.

I'm her, her brother.

Hi.

Hi.

- [Candace] Oh.

[Karla speaks in Chinese]

[Vita speaking in Chinese]

- Speak Chinese?

- No, I don't know.

I think she's probably

saying I'm good looking and sexy.

- I said, you're rich, right?

- Yeah, I got a lot of money.

- Yeah. - I'm a multi-billionaire.

- Oh. - What you do?

- I work in a plastic bag factory.

- You know, she's $3,000 right now.

But if you guys found a rich husband for her.

- He has lots of money. - I have lot of money.

Yeah, I can pay. - Yeah, lots of money.

Okay, come on, let's go.

- You know what?

I need to pick up my son from school.

- Come on.

- And you take care of my sister, okay?

- Bye.

Take your bathing suit.

Change, oh, oh.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't have a fall. [laughs]

- Oh, I love Christmas.

- I know. - Me too.

- Is this mistletoe?

- I think this is a mistletoe.

I don't exactly know what it exactly comes from.

I think it might be, is it like a Jewish thing or something?

[Karla laughs]

- No, it's not a Jewish thing.

- What are you doing here?

You guys have jobs.

You work for me.

- Who's this?

Handsome.

- Oh no, please stop.

I don't know you.

Stop? - You gay?

- I'm, I'm super gay.

Listen- - You don't like woman.

- Who is this woman?

- Oh, she's- - Woman.

- I'm going back upstairs.

- It's he and his sister.

- Got money, got money? - Oh, my God,

I can't believe this. - Oh, okay,

wait, Dad, where are you going?

- Don't tell Kristoff I'm here.

I'm gonna kill all of you, atom bomb all you fuckers.

So what are you trying to do here?

So okay, you also are gonna want to get some

of my, my little bird chest here.

I even have a little nest.

- What's a bird chest?

I'm sorry, I'm older than you.

I'm not too hip.

- It's a chest that has a nest.

Oh my gosh, I can't with you.

I can't.

I'll give you cliff Notes later.

- Cliff Notes. [laughs]

- That's more of your generation, right?

[Chad laughs]

Okay, are we ready to do this?

- Well, what are those?

- Hey, putting up a Christmas tree.

I know it's Christmas.

We're having a Christmas party.

We are.

- But how does it look?

I mean, we've been working on it for hours, Dad.

- Wait, I gotta get this.

Unauthorized charge.

China Air.

- China Air. - What?

- No, it's, I'm not, don't pay it.

- No, Daddy that was from, that was me.

It's Vita's sister is here,

and she has come to America

to help us decorate the tree.

- Yes, she's here.

- I'm not paying $3,000 for her

to help decorate a tree.

- Why are you so cheap?

- You said you wanted grandchildren.

So I took it upon myself

to ask Vita if her sister could come to America.

[Karla laughing]

- You're idiot. [laughs]

- The opposite though. - I knew you'd like this.

- Let's skip all this bullshit.

Let's get down to business, okay?

- Oh my, okay.

- I tried the Russian girls.

They were not interested.

- [Kristoff] Oh, I don't blame 'em.

- I just, I just thought that it would be fun

to have people over for Christmas.

- Yes. - We have the girls coming-

- Christmas. - Over soon.

- And we need help too, Dad.

I mean, there's a lot.

- Okay, Dad, it's just-

- I'm gonna go see Chad.

I wanna go see Chad.

- [Candace] Yeah, she can marry you too, Dad.

- Take this upstairs. - Dad, don't go up there.

[ominous music]

- What's going on?

- Dammit, cut, cut.

- [Kristoff] What the fuck is going on here?

- Our shot is ruined.

And we have to start over now.

- Oh, relax.

- You are on my bed with my guy

and you're telling me what now?

- Relax, relax, you have a bad heart, remember?

- You're fucking taking your clothes off.

I don't wanna relax.

- No, I was showing you my belt

that I bought for Christmas for myself.

I mean, something like that.

No, you look good like that.

Let me take a picture of you.

- You're a fucking idiot.

Get out of the house, or I will find and call your mother.

[Chad laughing]

- What is this? - You're of age, right?

I hope so.

Who's a dick?

Where's my dick?

It's in my pants, unfortunately.

- Okay, you're gonna be hearing from my father, you bastard.

- Oh, fuck you, you little prick. [grunts]

- So is this what you do?

You're just gonna stay here

and I'm gonna have to go back to work

and have to see that fucking idiot.

- Go fire him or fuck him, I don't care.

- Why don't you do something?

[door clicks] [upbeat festive music]

- Come on.

- Where are we going? - We're gonna go,

have some fun.

Come on. - Wait, wait.

- You go, you go. - We're not swimming.

- One, two, three, go. [laughs]

- Back this way. - Go, go, go.

- You're going to hear from my lawyer.

[door clicks]

- You are the one that needs to get fucking fired.

That's what I think.

- [Chad] I definitely do.

I agree.

- Oh, you're a pain in the ass.

- I agree.

Oh God, wake me when you're dead.

[Karla laughing]

- [Drew] Come on, come on.

Come here, come here, come here.

- What we do here? - Come here, come here.

- Ah, excited. - This is what

you're waiting for.

- Do you have money?

- I do, I have tons of money.

I told you I'm wealthy billionaire.

- Yes. - Yeah.

- Really? - Yes.

Oh, oh.

- You close your eyes.

- I close my eyes.

Okay, keep 'em shut.

[both moaning]

- Yes. - Ooh.

- Can you? - You feel it?

You feel it. - Yes.

- You feel it? - Oh yes.

- [Drew] Oh.

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ What do you want ♪

- Candace, what the hell is going on?

Vita keeps calling me about her sister.

I didn't even know she had a sister.

Where are you?

[elf laughs]

- Someone's being naughty.

Time to check my list twice.

- Candace, there some creep in your backyard.

I don't know what he is doing.

I don't know what's going on.

But I'm, I'm freaked.

I'm, I'm getting out of here until you come back.

- Oh, yes. - Oh.

- Good, good. - Oh.

Ooh, yeah, ooh. - Now go slow.

[footsteps tapping]

[Karla grunting]

[knife thuds] [elf growling]

[ominous music] [blood splattering]

[dramatic music]

[elf growling]

[elf grunting] [body thudding]

- Hello?

Hello.

Can I open my eyes?

Where are you?

[footsteps tapping] [elf laughs]

Hello?

What the?

I was just about to come.

What the fuck?

Where did she go?

Jesus Christ.

[Chad laughs]

- How am I gonna ever fucking get you

to realize- - I'm funny, right?

- You're actually hurting me, but.

- Um, I don't know how you could.

I don't really care about hurting you.

I'm sorry I said that. - I see that.

- That's just true.

I'm just trying to be honest with you.

I've known you too long to care about you.

[laughs] I guess.

- Fucking getting old.

[Chad laughing]

Who gave you that?

Me.

Look at the shitty little one I got.

- I gave that to you? - Yeah.

[Chad laughing]

- I got it outta your drawer. [laughs]

- Yeah, it does look like one of mine.

- [laughs] Stop it.

[birds chirping] [Drew exhales]

- Hey, hey, hey, hey. - Oh hey.

- What are you doing?

I have the girls coming.

They're not gonna wanna see this.

- I'm sunning.

- You're sunning? - Getting a little sun.

Look at how tan you are.

Look at how pale I am.

I gotta get a little color.

- But you're smelling your armpits.

I have a bunch of hot girls coming.

Where's Karla? - So what?

I'm out here by myself.

I can do whatever I want in backyard.

- Is Karla here?

I don't want her to see this.

- Karla, Karla.

Yeah, she's worthless.

She's, she was acting all crazy.

And then she disappeared.

- She disappeared. - Disappeared.

Where'd she go? - I don't fucking know.

Maybe she was raptured off the face of the earth.

No idea where she went.

- Vita told me specifically I was supposed

to watch her, so.

- I was watching her.

- You, you were supposed to watch her.

- I was watching her.

She said, close your eyes.

Then she was gone.

- So you scared her off?

Did you sexually harass her?

- I, no, I closed my eyes, opened them up, she's gone.

That's all I have.

- Now I have an HR nightmare to deal with now.

Uh-oh, there she is.

- Hi, beautiful.

- Hi. - Did you see my sister?

- She was here a few seconds ago.

- Yeah, and then she was, you know, just gone.

- Yeah, yeah, I have phone number.

I'm going to text her.

- [Drew] Also too make sure you tell your sister

when you text her. - Yeah.

- [Drew] Finish what she starts.

- Okay.

- Okay. - I'll let her know.

Bye. - Let's go, let's go.

- [Chad] Sending Christmas here if your not careful.

- Lost your goddamn fucking clothes

and you fucking some 16-year-old

that I happen to be writing a check for.

- Hang on a second.

He's not 16.

He's 18. - Thank God.

- More like I'm between 18 and 18 and a half, okay?

Just don't forget that.

- I don't care.

All I care is how- - 18 and 18 and half.

- His dick makes you feel.

- Let me tell you something.

The reason I don't involve you in this is

because of that you know, that monster?

- What? - Between your legs.

- That cock you have, it's just too big.

I can't bring you anywhere.

It just ruined everything.

- You mean your excuse

for not including me is because I have a big cock.

- It's not big.

It's a monster.

It's a, it's a fortress.

It's like a monstrosity.

- Jesus Christ, I don't know how to take that.

- A big cock is a big cock.

I have a big cock I mean.

- Yeah, but you know?

- I mean you have a fortress.

It's like a- - I don't know

is that a compliment- - A submarine.

- Or is that a way to like, just shut the fuck up?

- Or a bazooka.

It's a compliment.

Trust me, I wouldn't be here otherwise. [chuckles]

I mean, when you're a, when you're hung,

you're just like eight inches.

And when you get hard, you're 14 or something.

Who knows?

Like being fucked by two people at the same time.

- Do you have anything to say about my large ass?

- [laughs] I try to avoid it.

Luckily.

- Yeah, I know that.

- Hey, you guys Drew is here.

- [Group] Hey.

- Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So guys, I have a huge opportunity, the chance

to see some nice breast at a bachelorette party.

And you guys have the opportunity to see some luscious,

be careful.

Luscious.

This is dad.

Some luscious, glorious knockaroonies.

Now listen, listen, listen.

For you $50.

$50 to see the nice luscious breasts.

You wanna see 'em?

- I'm in.

Don't forget me now.

- For you, how would you gonna pay?

What you gonna pay?

- I'll pay 50. - 50, 50.

Big spender.

Yeah, oh, thanks.

- Yeah, what about me? - Yeah, for you.

Five bucks.

You're a nice guy.

$5.

So you wanna see the breasts?

You wanna see the breasts?

- [Supervisor] Mel, I need that quarterly report

as soon as possible.

- Yes, ma'am. - Sorry.

- Morning, you guys.

- What's the deal with Candace?

- I don't.

- I know I'm straight.

But I mean, she is pretty hot.

[Terry laughs] [upbeat music]

- I just want your day to be really special.

We only get married once.

- I know just to make sure it's a fun day.

And I only want a specific people.

- I hope Angie doesn't come.

She is such a beeotch.

- Oh my God, yeah. - No gossip.

No gossip.

- We should truly hire Ethan as the singer.

- Oh yeah.

- Oh, you just like him. - Yeah.

- He's doing a horrible cleaning the pool.

Does he really sing?

- [Friend] Yeah, he can.

- Ethan, can you sing for us?

- Yeah.

- Oh my God.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- I got a skeeter on my peter.

Whack it off.

[record scratches]

- All right, I don't get it.

I just, I don't get it.

- [Romina] No, he's good, he's good.

All right, I promise.

- You sure you're not- - Yeah, yeah.

- Just saying that 'cause you like him?

- Okay. - Have the money.

- Yeah. - Now guys.

- These big knockers.

- Don't forget though to help

with the Christmas stuff though.

We got some Christmas decorations.

- But those guys over there, they're so creepy.

They're all just like staring at us.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- I know. - It's really weird.

- Here comes my son.

Hi. - Someone ordered

the big sausage. - Over here.

Awesome.

- No one can even understand you.

You're so upset.

Stop.

Calm down.

- What do you mean stop, calm down?

We had discussed this, I don't know, a hundred times.

And the last time, about a year and a half ago,

came to the understanding that if you fuck, I fuck.

We fuck together.

So when you are doing it without me, it's like,

oh, what do they call that?

Cheating.

Do you understand?

And it's painful.

I know for you, it's just getting your rocks off.

But it hurts.

Especially at this fucking age.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

I don't mean to hurt you.

- [sighs] Same shit, same time, same station.

What the fuck?

You're always I hurt you, I'm sorry.

I'm, what have I done?

Have I done anything?

- What do you want me to say?

That I don't, I don't care if I hurt you?

- No.

- I love you in my own way.

- But stop hurting.

What the fuck is the point?

Oh, hey, I'm sorry I shot you, man.

That's okay.

You know, it's just a gun.

It was bullet.

No big deal.

- Oh, stop.

I'm not shooting you, I fucking someone.

What the fuck?

There's nothing, there's nothing in common with that woman.

- [Friend] Ever hae a girlfriend?

- Of course I have.

I had a baby back in the day.

- A real woman.

- What did I say, okay?

Don't take advantage of my son.

- Oh. - Oh, Mom, it's fine.

- Don't take him away.

- [Vita] Come here, son.

- Right now? - Yes.

- Seriously, Mom? - Yes.

- Oh, no, no, no.

- I'll be right back, okay?

- Okay, he just gay.

Come on, let's go. - Oh, oh.

- Hey, hey.

- [Group] Boo.

- Vita, remember to put your bathing suit on.

We're gonna go in the pool next.

She's so weird about her son.

Jeez.

[Chad laughing]

- [Chad] Oh, stop it, baby.

Just go back to work and make some money

and kill that kid. - What the fuck

is going on out there?

Hey, what the fuck is going on out there?

- Is somebody fucking somebody?

I hope.

- No, there are like little elves

putting up decorations or some shit.

- [Chad] Arrest me.

Somebody arrest me. [chuckles]

- Oh, shut the fuck up.

Old fart. - I want go to prison.

[laughs] Wake me up when you make a million dollars, okay?

- Come on guys, now do a good job.

You're getting to check out the breasts

and you gotta do a good job getting this done.

I don't wanna do it.

I'm not hanging this shit.

- Red, red, yellow? - It doesn't matter

what it is.

Just put it up there.

Girls are there.

Right over there.

Check 'em out. - Wow.

- There they are. - What's going on?

- Oh, Dad, they're just, the guys from the office

are here helping me set everything up for the party.

- Oh, no, no, man.

- They're decorating.

Look at everything.

It looks great. - No, no,

there's not gonna be a party.

Okay there's- - What?

- You don't know everything.

- [Drew] What are you talking about, Dad?

A big Christmas party.

- You guys I'm not in a party mood.

Okay, let's just clear out and we will talk about it later.

- Forget this.

I want a refund.

Full refund.

- Refund? - Give me my money.

- I'm not giving you any refund.

No, I'm not getting you any refund.

Nope, I'm not giving any fucking.

I gave you $5.

- [Kristoff] Quiet!

Are you taking money from people?

- I'm not taking any money from.

Dad, I'm not taking any money, okay?

They're, they're, they're paying me to come over here,

all right, to help.

They wanna help.

They love you.

They love you, Dad.

- Oh, you're full of shit.

- They're paying money to help you.

They love you.

Go talk to your daughter.

Go talk to her about it.

She'll tell you.

You talk to her.

- You're outta your fucking mind.

- I'm not outta my fucking mind.

They're paying me to be here.

They like being here.

- [Kristoff] They like being here.

You're charging 'em to be here.

- Charged to fucking be here, Dad.

They pay me to be here.

- You know, all the woman like you. [panting]

Hey.

[Vita grunts] [fist thuds]

- What?

- You have to start dressing more ugly.

- Uglier than this? - Of course.

- [sighs] I just, I didn't sign up for this, babe, okay?

I mean, I appreciate you getting me the job and everything,

but I'm not gay and they can tell.

It's weird enough I have to be your son.

- Once I get a green card I'm going to divorce that loser.

Then we can be together forever.

- [Sky] Or we could just move to Canada.

- Yeah, my little Canada baker.

- Yes, ooh.

- [Vita] Move your tongue in circle.

- Oh yeah, circle, baby.

All around.

Oh yeah, around town, huh?

- Yeah. - Mommy, yes.

- Oh yes. - Oh yeah.

- Yes, yes. - Oh yeah.

- Okay, get going, bye.

What the hell is going on?

That's her fucking son.

[fast tempo club music]

[record scratches] [rock music]

- [Kristoff] Hey, hey, what's going on here?

[group cheering]

What are you doing? - Kristoff.

- No, no, no, no, no.

You guys, go home, go home.

Oh, come on, come on.

- Woo.

- [Group] Kristoff, Kristoff, Kristoff, Kristoff,

Kristoff, Kristoff. - Okay, okay, okay.

- Kristoff. - Okay, okay.

- [Group] Kristoff, Kristoff.

- [Kristoff] Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me get outta here, let me get outta here.

- I guess, I guess we should try to wrap this up.

He's staring at me.

He's giving me that evil eye.

I'm sorry guys. - okay.

- I will see tomorrow's office.

- Yes, okay. - Bye.

- Sounds great. - Bye.

- Guys, guys, guys, listen, listen.

I, I don't know what's going on.

My dad is having some kind of a problem right now.

He's sending everybody home.

He's very upset.

I'm sorry, you guys are gonna have to go now.

- I don't see any titties.

- [Drew] Yeah, all the girls left.

Listen, listen. - What?

They left?

- Listen guys- - I paid a hundred

bucks online. - Yeah, but listen, there's-

- I came a big distance.

- But guys, there's- - Two hours to get here.

- $50 per tip.

[brooding music]

[bottle clangs]

- All right, it's 8.95.

[upbeat music]

- What the fuck is this shit?

- It's a reusable bag.

We're trying to save the planet.

- Save the planet.

Well, I came here because there's a killer elf

on the prowl in this town.

- What?

Man, are you crazy?

- Well, actually no,

because I took that Rice Krispy cocksucker

out two years ago,

and if he's left undead, then I got unfinished business.

And that kind of tarnishes my reputation

of customer service, if you know what I'm saying.

- No, I don't know what you're saying.

- I'm here to do you a favor

because he could actually have you on his hit list.

- Are you threatening me?

- No, I'm actually offering my services to you.

- Brutus.

Man, come take this guy outta here, man.

He's crazy, crazy.

[Brutus grunting]

- You're really making a mistake.

Hey, hey, you know you're really going to regret this.

- [Bob] I doubt it.

- [Brutus] Get outta here, get outta here!

- Thank you, Brutus. - You're welcome, boss.

♪ Christmas won't be the same ♪

- What you, what'd you cook in that kitchen?

Oh wow, some gruel.

[chuckles] Right outta gruel prison.

- It looks amazing.

Thank you. - It doesn't look amazing.

It looks like gruel.

- Thank you. - Drop dead, will you?

- Yeah, and you know, corn doesn't digest

so it'll come out the same way it went in.

- [Alice] I saved you a brussel sprout.

- Alice, you cook the best brussel sprouts.

- Shut up. - Is there anything else?

- [Chad] Mr. Charming at the table? [laughs]

- Is there any other food?

- You hae such a wonderful son.

Such a doll.

Would you like some more?

You said you wanted some more.

- No, no. - This is fine.

This is fabulous.

Thank you very much. - House of fags.

- [Alice] If you don't like it, then don't eat.

- Guess what? - Wow, that's original.

- If you don't cook, then go fucking home, Ma.

The truth of the matter is-

- Shut up. - These two people

that have my blood are assholes.

They cannot do a fucking thing on their own.

♪ La, la, la ♪

- And strangely enough, stop, you gotta listen.

You are an asshole because you can't do anything.

So if every fucking thing is my problem,

I'm going to the Caribbean.

I am going, Cari,

[Chad laughs]

Caribbean.

I am going for a month.

I don't give a fuck. - Hopefully

he'll stay forever. [laughs]

- What about the Christmas party?

You always had the big Christmas party.

You're gonna leave before that.

You gotta wait for that.

You don't leave until we do that.

- Yeah, we have the office retreat too.

And the bachelorette party.

- Do I look like I give a fuck about Christmas?

- [Alice] Does anyone want more corn?

[rock music] [Vita moaning]

- Oh shit.

Uh, uh, hey.

Momma, momma, I love you.

- What are you doing?

- I love my mom.

She's so great. - Get out.

- Okay. - Get out.

- Listen, listen.

This is a place of business.

You wanna screw around you go get a hotel.

- Do you like me?

[Kristoff coughing]

- You have to go somewhere else.

You have to.

Oh god.

[upbeat music]

[dog barks]

- What the?

You forgotten about the, it's the morning.

It's the morning, I want something to eat.

Something to drink.

Some orange juice.

This whole concept of breakfast has left you, has it?

What are you doing out here?

Where's the newspaper, by the way?

- Uh, they didn't deliver it.

Oh. - I'm going to poison you.

I'm going to poison you. - Not, not, not, not.

- How old are you again?

- Not. - 96.

You will not make 97, I guarantee it.

- I run this place.

- Oh, fuck you, you fucking heterosexual cunt.

- If it wasn't for me, look out for the dog.

- Fuck off.

[dog barks]

- And now introducing the head honcho my dad,

and also, awesome, amazing boss Kristoff.

[group clapping and cheering]

- Hello everybody. - Yeah, yeah.

- Woo, woo. - All right.

- I wanna thank you first

about a terrific year that we have had.

I mean, everybody broke their records

and you probably think we're never gonna do it again.

You're gonna do it again next year.

You have to make your goal better

than the goal when you had the goal.

So now we know what we need to do.

And everybody did it so well.

Do the same things.

The commercial about the girls riding the horses.

- Yeah. - And the horses

started to poop so the girls had to get out.

But now it's next year.

So we have to sell more than we did.

So if you sold 10,000 rolls, you gotta do 11.

- Let me just say this, sir.

As a number one paperback salesman

in this whole company, I will go above

and beyond for you and your family.

- Good.

Stay away from my daughter.

You guys are the best plastic salesman.

- [Group] You guys are best the best plastic salesman.

All you gotta do to sell more plastic bags.

- And please no more harassing the girls.

I'm getting a lot of shit from HR.

Just hang off.

We're having a big party at my place.

He's putting up decorations.

Now I got a pool and you've all been there.

So we're gonna have a big party.

We're gonna have pizza.

We're gonna a little bit of alcohol, but mostly soft drinks.

Or bring your own alcohol if you want.

Beer, something.

I don't drink.

So anyway, I'll see you in a couple of days

at my place, right?

- [Group] Yeah.

[upbeat music]

Okay.

- I, I just wanted to say

that even though plastics is a hefty job,

I'm gonna make you glad that you hired me.

I've got you covered, sir.

- In this building, we do not say Hefty.

They are competitors.

- Oh. - We don't say hefty.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, well noted.

Noted. - Yeah.

All right, listen.

Go out and work.

Get more bonuses.

Sell more plastic.

I gotta go in my office.

I got a problem I gotta take care of with you.

- Me? - Ooh.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- [Group] Ooh.

- I'm Johnny Depp.

- You know, he's suing somebody

for a hundred million dollars or she's suing.

They're nuts.

- Yeah, it's crazy.

Relationships they suck.

[door bangs]

[birds chirping] [Alice humming]

[suspenseful music]

- Miss.

[door bangs] [Alice sighs]

[knuckles tapping]

[playful music]

- Chad. - I'm coming.

[Alice chuckles] [suspenseful music]

- I'm gonna get you so many hookers for your party.

Like double D's.

It's gonna be so cool.

And they only work for a hundred bucks.

So it's actually pretty cheap.

- Did you say big boobies?

- [Paul] Big boobies.

Double D's, man. - Big boobies.

- Yeah, big boobies, man.

- You're kidding. - Like sense of them.

- I love big boobies. - Like at least three pairs.

- Do they shave the legs?

- Oh yeah, everything will be shaved.

- No hairy beaver.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hello, hello, hello.

Goodbye.

I gotta talk to.

Go take a hit or something.

- All right, I will. - Remember big boobies.

- [Paul] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got you, I got you.

- Hey, I don't know,

but I think you got a problem.

Now you know, you've been here a long time

and we know each other.

I think your wife is,

or the girl you're gonna marry, the Chinese girl.

- Yeah.

- I think she's a slut.

She's fucking three people.

And she almost fucked me.

I mean, if you don't mind, if you are okay with that.

- Is, is there a, a cure for slutty women?

Can they be cured?

- Yes, yes. - Okay.

- It's 45 cents and it's called a bullet.

And finished.

That's the only way I know how to do.

- That's no problem.

Listen.

- Well, what's the point?

Why do you wanna go to fucking prison for killing a bitch?

You should either tell her everyone she fucks I wanna know,

I wanna be there and I want you to charge 'em

or stop doing it.

You gotta make a decision.

Just watch it, okay?

Because if your life gets fucked up with her,

your life work is gonna get fucked up.

And then I'm gonna get fucked up.

- But the only way I get fucked up

is she bring her whole family from Thailand.

Like the Mexican girl I married a few years ago.

She brought her cousin, her uncles.

I don't need that pressure, you know?

- Oh, I know, but they want 'em.

But I just wanted you to know.

- Boss. - Go back to work.

- Thank you for, for the-

- Yeah, yeah. - Boss talk.

- Make money. - Yeah.

- Make money. - Thank you, boss.

Thank you.

She fucked a lot of people.

Holy shit.

I don't care, man, there's a cure for it.

- Just 'cause you're the boss's son.

Doesn't mean you can't get arrested for this.

It's criminal.

- Listen, isn't there any way I could cut you in

and pay you a little money to be quiet?

- Look, no, it's criminal.

- Drew, right? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

How's it doing?

- Hey, good, I'm Robin.

I'm traveling handyman.

Your pop said it was some stuff to fix around the office.

- Oh, Mr. Handyman.

You know, listen, when it comes

to things in the office that you could fix,

I gotta ask you a serious question.

The guy at this desk,

he's an absolute asshole, threatening me.

He's telling me that he's gonna report me,

call the police on me.

So listen. - What do you do to him?

- See that light up there?

Invite people from the office to my house

to spy on girls.

But you know. - Oh, you're creep.

- Yeah, but look. - Okay.

- See that light up there?

- Yeah. - I want you to fuck

with that light.

I want you to put a weird bulb in there.

Do something in it.

Give it a weird coloring, something.

Maybe a flicker to make the guy sick.

I want the guy at this desk-

- Stroby effect. - To be nauseous all day.

- Like headache. - It be like holding in

own vomit all fucking day.

That's what I want.

Can you do it? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - I can do it.

- You can do it. - Well now for something

like that, it's gonna cost you a little,

and I only accept cash.

- What is it that you wanna do?

Do you wanna get into sales?

- Well, boss, anything you want.

I'm here just for you, you know?

- Okay, that's why I, I picked you.

- Yeah. - You know, I think you and I

should go and have a meeting together,

you know, during dinner and just talk about the future

of your breast, of, of your, you know.

- Okay, I like where it's going.

- [Kristoff] Yeah, you know?

- I got an idea, right?

Yes.

We could corner the market on BDSM and auto asphyxiation.

- Oh.

- I just, I think you'll find

I no longer have parasites, so that's good.

- He's the one who had that stomach thing

and he was in the bathroom for a week.

We couldn't fire him.

- Oh. - Files and papers.

- There's a lot of stuff here.

- Uh, that's, Coral must have made a mistake

when she arranged this.

- So listen. - Coral.

- How do you like working here?

- Oh, I think it's just the best.

I'm really glad that we're here.

- You gave him the wrong file.

I need to get the different file.

- Okay.

- Are, are you my kung fu teacher?

- Yes, I also do IT here.

- Oh, yeah, that's how I, I met you

because you're in IT.

- I need to get a green card so I can stay in this country

so I can do whatever I want.

- That's why you're getting married, right?

- Yes. I, I wanna get married,

but actually, you know, I'm in love with my son.

- Hold it.

She's in love with who?

- She's in love with her son.

- Everybody's in love with their son.

- She's in love. - Oh.

- Yeah.

- No, we're not in love with.

- No, no, buddy.

She was here 15 minutes ago and she said point blank,

I am in love with my son.

- Well, she, she meant like as a mother.

- No, no, no, no, no.

- A mother loves her- - I even asked her.

- Yeah. - And she said,

no, she's in love.

So you better go back to China with her

'cause over here you're gonna get arrested.

- Okay, this stays here, right?

- Yep. - Yeah, yeah.

Stays here.

- This is Grace and she is looking

for a husband here at the company.

- No, I'm, no, I'm gay.

- Can you speak in Chinese for him?

[Grace speaks in Chinese]

- [Kristoff] I like the shirt too.

- Out, out.

Again?

[door bangs]

- I'm just fucking amazed that we make money.

- It's.

- What a bunch of dungalos.

[door clicks]

- Yes.

- Hey there, young lady.

Just stopping by to share the Lord's word.

- Oh. - Here I come.

- Chad. - I'm right here.

Here I am here, here I am.

- He's for you.

- Hi, how are you? - I'm well, thank you.

- What's this about?

- I was just stopping by to share the Lord's word.

- [Chad] The Lord is upstairs right now.

Come on in, I'll introduce you to him.

- Wow, fantastic.

- He's, he's hung on a God.

- Oh, wow.

What a lovely home you have.

- Yeah, boyhood.

I'm married to him.

Come on in.

[brooding music]

- Asshole.

- Yes dad, yes.

- [Kristoff] No, come here.

Come on, sit down.

- Okay. - I'm taking a little

retirement vacation.

- Okay. - I'm gonna go to a place.

I have someone because me and Chad are not getting along.

So I need somebody, hoping the three of you

can run this company for about a year.

- A year?

Just one year.

- Well, if everything goes good,

and you guys are making me money

and sending me a check, I will stay in the Caribbean

for a hundred years.

- Awesome.

- But if my check that comes is a million dollars in June

and 700,000 in July, you'll all be fucking fired so.

- You're gonna fire your own kids.

- What? - No, I'll take,

I have to come back and work, asshole.

- Of the three of us,

who's gonna be in charge of the three?

'Cause it should be one person.

- [Drew] Three, it's in the argument.

- [Candace] I, I know I'm most qualified.

- Men are talking here.

- [Drew] I think I'm more qualified, Dad.

- So what are you?

- Why would you even want him to do it?

- Yeah, he's not- - He's not your kid.

- Blood related.

- Okay, now let me explain it.

He is the most qualified.

- Yeah. - And I'll tell you why.

He's an asshole.

He's not soft.

He'll tell people what the fuck to do.

But he's not family.

- That's the thing we're family.

- Yeah. - I like family.

- Why don't you let us work together?

We could work together and do it, right?

- Yeah. - We can do it.

- You guys can't slice a pie together.

[woman grunting]

- This is disgusting. - This is not disgusting.

- [Vita] How, how you do that?

- What are you talking about?

This is great.

You're not gonna tell anybody about this.

Got it.

This is just between us.

Otherwise, I'm gonna ruin you a wedding.

Got that?

- What I'm going to get?

- You are gonna get nothing.

Say nothing.

It's just between us.

- Okay? - That's it.

- And nobody in this company have ever threatened me,

not including you.

- Well, now you've been threatened.

- Then you will die.

- I'm not afraid. - You're dead.

- I'm not afraid.

Thank you.

- Candace, Candace.

- A man of God.

God is dog spelled backwards, right?

So I got it.

- Okay. - Be a dog.

- I'm, okay.

- I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Oh, really? [laughs]

[Feldman barking]

Okay. [laughs]

You're too easy, huh?

[camera clicks] [Chad laughs]

[Feldman panting]

Oh my, okay, good, good.

Now put your tongue back in your mouth.

- Oh my God.

What is that?

- This is a secret project. - That is-

- Don't look at it. - I didn't even know

that was a thing.

There's like, there's like bunions and blood and that.

- This is beautiful.

You were getting your feet massaged earlier in the office.

- That turns you on.

- Actually, it does.

- You're a sick man.

You're disgusting.

- You know bunions and hammer toes are beautiful.

- Oh my god.

Dad, Daddy, Daddy.

- What? - Look at that.

- Nothing to see here.

Mr. Kristoff, I'm working on a secret project

you're gonna find out about.

- It's a secret project.

- No, it's not.

Look, it's, it's, it's, it's like sexual feet things.

- And he's watching it. - Yeah, he's watching it.

- It's a secret project.

- You're not supposed to be, because it's a secret project.

- Right.

- What the fuck are you doing?

- I'll show you.

- Holy shit. - Is this great stuff?

[Terry laughs]

Listen. - Wow.

- Sucking toes, bunions, massages.

This is great.

Look at this.

- It is wonderful.

But you're fired.

- What? - Yeah, yeah.

- Are you kidding? - No.

- Just kidding. [laughs]

I said I, I don't know what I was thinking.

I, I wasn't thinking.

- Well, um.

- Oh is it that time?

- [Alice] Cha, cha, cha, cha.

- Cha, cha, cha, cha.

- See, we're having fun.

- Yeah.

- You'll be doing the ditches tonight.

- Or else?

- Or the dishes.

- Okay, um.

- And maybe the next night after that.

- I don't have a choice.

- Actually.

- She has my future in her hands.

- All week. - It's okay.

All right. - All week.

- I hear.

- You're doing the dishes all week.

- [Chad] Okay, thanks, Mom.

You're lovely.

You're gonna get hit by a bus tomorrow.

Fuck.

- Got a couple quick questions for you?

- Sure. - Karla Singh.

- Ah, tall, skinny Chinese girl.

- She worked here.

- Yeah. - She still works here.

- She still works here.

- Yeah. - She does?

- Yeah. - When's the last time

you saw her?

- Oh. - Yesterday.

- I don't know. - Two days.

- I, I I, I haven't seen her.

I, I, I really, you know, I'm talking

to each individual person stuff,

but I don't go out there and socialize.

- You don't? - You know her more.

- I think Drew, actually Drew,

if you're in the office.

Drew, Drew was like hooking up with her.

- Who put out a missing person for her?

- Yeah. - Her family.

- Oh, okay, so if they don't know

and she's not coming to work.

- Oh. - I don't know.

- I don't know.

- We got Drew.

Drew is the one you should talk to.

He is the one that saw her last.

Oh.

- No, she was helping me, you know, hang some decorations.

- I'd like to know what the hell you talking about.

- I'm your son.

- [Kristoff] I don't give a shit.

I wanna know what you're talking about with the girl.

- This is a family business.

- Well, they're gonna end up being inheriting

and fucking it all up.

- This is kind of one of my first times hooking up.

- Why are you nervous?

Why are you hands shaking?

- I, I'm kind of getting nervous around cops.

- So can you gimme the personal file?

- I'll, I'll, yeah, yeah.

- Go, go, give him the personal file.

- Thank you for your time. - Whatever he needs.

- [Drew] Coral, we need to get the personal file-

- [Kristoff] Take it.

We wanna cooperate. - For this officer.

- Thank you for your time. - Thank you.

- Do you need help find it?

Personal file.

- Your brother's an asshole.

- Do you think he, do you think he killed her?

- [Kristoff] No, are you crazy?

He's a fucking whimp.

You I worry about more than him.

- Can I get a pack of cigarettes?

- You know you gotta be 21 to buy cigarettes.

[pack thuds]

And you're not getting your money back, party little girl.

- [Security] Smile, you're currently being recorded.

- Ah. - What's wrong with you?

- Ah, ah.

I just got fired at work.

Where the hell were you?

You're supposed to pick me up.

- It's about time.

You're always screwing up at the office.

- Oh, thanks a lot.

I appreciate that. - You're welcome.

- I would've fired you last week myself so.

- Screw you.

You don't know who I am.

- Man, you know did you fill in a tissue or something

is why they fired you?

- I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you

and I'm gonna get you especially.

- Oh, I'm so scared you don't even have a car.

- Yeah, Terry, go sleep it off.

- I hope he don't come back and kill us all.

- He's all bark, no bite.

It's Terry.

- So what can I do for you?

Who are you?

- There's a killer elf that's on the prowl

right now in your town.

[dramatic music]

- A killer elf. - Yeah.

You know, I actually thought I took it out two years ago,

but apparently it didn't wanna stay dead.

This time I'm gonna snap, crackle and pop its ass

back to Christmas past.

You understand?

- I, I understand.

I just, you know, the last one I saw was Will Ferrell.

- Listen, just hear me out.

There's an elf on the prowl right now,

and I will be god damned

if that rice crispy cocksucker takes out my supplier.

There are no plastic bags in the world as good as yours.

I settle for nothing less.

- I agree with you. - Understand?

- And you sound crazier than everyone.

- Oh, you'll find out soon enough.

You know what?

You better watch your balls

or else that elf might mutilate them.

It sounds like you got yourself well intact, you know?

Anyway, I'll be watching over you.

I'll be everywhere until that elf is out of town.

- [Kristoff] Thank you.

Bye. - Even when you sleep.

So that being said.

- [Kristoff] Have someone come in here or something.

- I take my job seriously.

- [Kristoff] Is that a threat?

- On the third day, Captain Hector McGregor

and Lieutenant Alan Hartley saw the shining light

brace through the clouds.

And when the, the, the clouds raised,

there came a great booming voice.

- Clouds boom.

- And he said, "I shall not see thyself in man."

- I shall not.

- I, I, I shall see thy-

- I shall see.

- I shall see thyself-

- Thyself- - In every one of us.

- Oh.

- Could you could we, can we just, you know?

- Go upstairs?

Sure. [laughing]

- When's the last time you did these?

Last Christmas, you bitch?

You, you washed fucking cans, you fucking nitwit.

Are you shitting me?

Cans?

You wash cans?

[Alice laughing]

You're the devil, aren't you?

You're the devil.

Look at, you should see yourself.

You look like a poltergeist.

- You are doing- - Leave me alone.

- Such a good job. - Ah go, away.

Ah! - Such a-

- I can't hear, I can't see you.

- Good job. - I can't hear you.

I can't, I can't, I can't.

- Where's your camera?

- You're a devil.

- Is this your camera? - Leave my camera alone.

[Alice laughs]

Go away.

Go away, Alice.

Go back your cave. - I just wanna take a picture.

- Go back to your cave.

Go hang upside down in the closet.

- [Alice] I just take a picture of you.

- Like your a bat.

Wash this dish again.

More dish of yours.

[camera clicking]

- [Alice] Smile.

[camera clicking] [Alice and Chad laughing]

- You're an evil bitch. - You're a poster boy.

[camera clicking]

- I'm a poster boy for a murderer.

[Alice laughs] [camera clicking]

Get outta here.

- Well. - Okay.

- Yeah. - Now you got the rent.

I'm here. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

The, the check's in the mail.

- Motherfucker.

[Bob laughs]

All right, so listen, can you,

I, I need to talk to him alone, okay?

It's a business thing really.

I'm not attracted to him.

I, I'm, I'm going to get outta here.

I, I'm going, I don't know.

I'm gonna go to the Caribbean.

I'm gonna go back to Armenia.

I'm gonna go somewhere for a long, long time.

But I'm liquidating everything.

- You're selling your business.

- [Kristoff] All of them.

Yes. - To, to who?

- So that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

If you have the ability to get a down payment

and take over the place.

- I have the ability, but I don't think I want to do that.

This is enough for me right now.

I'm thinking about retiring myself

and giving to my daughter.

- Oh, well, okay, so let me explain something to you

because I'm the landlord and I own the building.

When I sell the building,

your business goes with those people.

And if they want to shut you down, I mean,

you're making enough money to pay me my rent.

- Yeah. - And have some beautiful

senorita up your ass so.

- That's my daughter.

- [Kristoff] Well, she's still a beautiful senorita.

- She's beautiful.

But I'll tell you what, let me get some money together

and I'll give you a call and let you know.

I probably have to do.

- Okay, I mean, 'cause I'm doing this

like before the end of the month.

- Okay, all right. - Okay.

Definitely.

- And if you know somebody that wants to buy it

or be partners with you or anything,

I'm just telling you first

before I put it into a-

- All right. - With a brokerage guy,

you know? - Well, thank you, Kristoff.

Appreciate that. - All right.

- All right. - I'll talk to you later.

- All right, have a good day.

- Candace, uh what are you doing in my seat?

- What do you mean your seat?

This is Dad's seat.

- Oh, no, I actually have a little information

that I'm pretty sure this is gonna be my seat.

So you can get your stinky old ass outta my seat.

- Excuse me.

This is not your seat.

- No, no, no.

I have got some inside information.

I am Dad's favorite.

Just so you know.

And maybe you are not.

- From who did you get this information from?

Because I would like to know,

because I talked to a higher source

that said that I would be in the seat.

- No, I'm not telling you who my source is.

All I can tell you is this is my fucking seat, Candace.

- This is not your fucking seat.

- No this is my fucking seat.

You're gonna get outta my fucking seat.

- This is not your fucking seat.

I'm not gonna get outta your fucking seat.

- And you know what?

You know what you're gonna be?

You're gonna be, you're gonna be working under me

as my fucking stupid assistant.

That's it.

My dumb ass assistant.

You know what you can do? - You are so sexiest.

- Run errands, pick up my food.

You know, get, pick up my egg salad sandwiches,

and all my shit.

Dirt.

You know laundry. - I'm gonna spit in your food.

- You're gonna laundry my food.

- I am gonna spit in your food.

- You're gonna clean my underpants.

No you're not gonna fucking-

- I am gonna spit in your food.

- You're not gonna spit in my fucking food.

- Get out of my office. - This is not

your fucking office. - This is my office.

- This is my fucking office.

- Get out of my office.

- Get your ass out. - No, no, you get your-

- No. - Ass out.

- You get the fuck out. - You get your ass out.

- Get the fuck out of my desk.

This is gonna be my desk so get out.

- Don't break the lamp.

- Clear out.

- Oh my God, you're breaking shit.

I'm gonna tell Dad.

- Dad is gonna be fucking angry.

- I'm gonna call Dad.

You're messing my hair up.

- Get out. - You're messing my hair.

- Get the fuck outta here.

- No, no, you get the fuck out.

- I said get the fuck outta here now.

- Ah!

- Get out of here now, Candace.

Get outta here.

Get the fuck out.

Move out. - I'm calling Dad.

- Yeah, call him you wretched bitch.

This is fucking my desk.

I told you once and I told you again. [sighs]

- Okay, get that, get that to me later.

Okay, cool.

Hey, what do, what do you doing here, guy?

- What are you doing here, Nolan?

This is gonna be my office.

So I'm out checking, you know, checking it all out.

- What do you mean?

What do you mean your office?

- I've had some serious inside information.

In fact, my dad himself told me

that I'm gonna be having this office.

He's gonna be giving it all to me.

The whole company's gonna be mine.

So what the fuck are you doing in my office, Nolan?

- [laughs] That's funny, man.

Actually, it's gonna go to me.

So I have some, I have some things I want you to.

- Why would it go to, why would it go to you?

In what, I'm his fucking son.

- Yeah, but you're retarded, Drew.

I mean, don't, don't take that personally,

but you are just kind of,

you just jerk off to "Halo" most of the day.

So these are things I'm gonna need to.

- You're giving me like I'm your secretary.

Are you fucking kidding me?

- No, you're, you're- - I'm gonna be your,

I'm gonna be your assistant doing this shit for you.

You'll come in here and give me an order

and list to do in my fucking office.

Get the fuck outta here, Nolan.

Get outta here now or I'm gonna fuck your day up.

Get out.

- Okay, Drew, you know what?

- [Drew] I am tired of everyone questioning it.

- I do know jujitsu.

- This is my office. - But I'm gonna leave.

- I have been told by my fucking father

that it's going to me.

So don't come in here with orders telling me what to do.

- Okay? - Bags and shit.

- Okay? - Fuck off.

- All right, maybe you need to rub one out

to "Halo" later just to calm down a little bit.

- Get out, Nolan. - Because this is

a little too much.

- This is my office.

- [Nolan] Okay, but just read this anyway.

- I don't want anything to do with.

- Because when the order happens, you should know.

- You give it me.

Get the fuck out.

[door clicks]

Get out. - Okay.

But you know what?

- You come in again?

[door bangs]

- [Candace] What are you doing?

- [Employee] There's something going on with this light.

It's, I think it's making me sick.

Your brother's the one that's done this to me.

- All right. look, even though my brother's an asshole,

he's still my brother.

And I don't appreciate you talking about my family members

while you're at the office.

There's other people working.

- [Employee] I heard he was gonna shut this place down.

- Excuse me.

He's gonna shut my office down.

He does not have the power nor the authority

to shut it down.

Do you think he's gonna shut it down

because he's a man and I couldn't shut it down?

Is that something that you're saying?

Are you being sexist right now?

Because you know what?

You guys are just two days to your pension.

I could fire your asses right now.

That's right, that's right.

I don't care that you're late on your mortgage.

I don't care that you're hemorrhoids are flaming up.

I hear what you guys talk about.

I have cameras here.

I'm listening and I will fire your asses.

I will fire you.

I hated you.

I hated you guys.

You've been here for 30 years

and you do fucking nothing.

Fucking waste of space.

- This place is going down.

We gotta get out.

- We gotta find a way to get fired.

[hand thudding] [Drew panting]

- What the fuck?

- Oh, and get the fuck outta here now!

I'm jerking off.

Get out of here now!

[door bangs]

[hand thudding]

Oh God.

[upbeat festive music] [Emily scoffs]

- You are crossing a line.

- [Candace] It's okay, I'm so over you being here.

I don't want you coming to the party.

- What party?

- The party that you're not invited to.

[Emily laughing]

[Candace laughs]

[Emily laughs]

[Candace laughs]

[Emily laughs]

I sense that you're copying me

and I just don't appreciate it.

- You know what guys?

I'm gonna, I'm gonna go work.

- [Group] Bye, Emily.

- I'm surprised you didn't come to the party.

[suspenseful music]

- Man, we gotta figure out a way to get out of this place.

- Well, we can't quit.

- Oh man, this little bitch

she doesn't care anything about us.

[employee chattering]

[tense music]

- [Employee 2] That's it gotta find a way to get fired.

- Merry fucking Christmas.

♪ It's beginning to look a lot like strangulation. ♪

- Fucking bills I have and my costs.

I'm buying a lot of hemorrhoid cream.

That stuff's not cheap.

- This place is crazy.

What is this? - What are you one

of the strippers?

- [grunts] Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dumb.

- See look at the shit that Drew does.

This is crazy. - This is a tangled mess.

- We gotta get out. - I know.

It's just more.

Oh shit, hey.

- Die. - I don't wanna die.

[dramatic music] [elf laughs]

[upbeat festive music]

- Becca, you look pretty today.

- Thank you.

- Hey, you better tell your brother to stop

looking at my daughter that way.

- I mean, it's,

he's, he's gonna be off the market soon anyway.

- I'm gonna call Brutus.

I'm gonna get Brutus on you, buddy.

You keep looking at my daughter that way.

- You can call me, Dad,

- Stop calling me Dad, man.

- Did you wanna get those condoms?

- Oh yeah, yeah.

I'll take some of the, the condoms, please.

- [Becca] Wait, what size?

- Um, the large ones.

Yeah. - Okay.

- Yeah.

- Really? - Yeah, large size.

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

- You sure? - Uh-huh, large.

- You look like a large? [laughs]

- Yeah, okay.

Take that.

- Drew. - All right.

- Come on. - You can put it on a tab.

- Yeah.

[bell rings]

[festive rock music]

- I love my job.

I love my job.

I really love my job.

- That doesn't really sound like holiday music.

- What's up, dude?

Not here to steal my job, are you?

Want some weed?

- Sorry amigo, I don't get high.

- Hold this.

- Time to shove the north pole up your south pole.

[pole thuds] [janitor screaming]

[fart whistling]

[flesh squishing]

Ah, they call me evil.

[nose sniffing]

Ah, smells worse than egg nog.

[ominous music]

Let's see who's on their bathroom break.

[knuckles tapping]

Housekeeping. - I'll be out in a minute.

- Knock, knock, housekeeping.

- [Ramon] I said, I'll be out in a minute.

[door clicks]

- [Elf] I hope you're ready

because you'll be shitting yourself twice.

[door bangs]

[farts squelching]

- Close the fucking door.

Damn office prank.

[door thuds]

- [Cop] Hey, how's it going?

- Hi, how you doing?

- Good.

I'm investigating a missing person case.

You got a minute?

- Yeah, what do, what do you need?

- Can I get some backup please?

Have you ever heard the name Karla Singh?

- Oh yeah, well, she used to work at the office.

Oh, well, she worked at the office,

but then she went missing.

I don't know where she went or anything.

- [Cop] You know she went missing

and didn't report it.

- You came to the office

and talked to me about it already.

Don't you remember? - That was you

that I spoke to. - Yeah, I was in the office.

You're like a nuts cop. - No, I don't know.

- You've lost your mind.

- No, I haven't. - You were at the office

and talked to me about this.

- Well, all I know is your office is connected with a bunch

of missing and and there's a lot of shit going on.

So you and I need to come to an agreement

because the people at your office aren't being honest.

- All right. - You need to,

you're better off to tell me what's going on now and,

and figure out what the problem is.

- I, I don't know what else to tell you, sir.

I don't know. - You're, you're-

- I mean, I, I all, I was out there helping set up

decorations and then something happened

to her and she was gone.

That was it.

- Well, you're, you're, you're a supervisor in a business

that multiple people are missing.

You were the last person to be seen with a Karla Singh.

And you, and you tell me that you need multiple answers.

Is that your girlfriend?

Tell me, way over there.

- I don't know who that is.

[ominous music]

- Snap, crackle, fuck you, perv.

- [Cop] I don't know who that is.

Stand over there. - Maybe you should

question him.

Stop questioning me.

I didn't do anything.

- [Cop] Well, I'm waiting for another officer.

- Okay.

- Uh, 15.10.

14.10.

12.10.

How you gonna pay for this?

You ain't got no money.

Oh shit.

- Empty out the cash register, old man.

- [Robber] Put your mask on.

- Wait, I'm vaccinated.

- Oh yeah, straight.

- Empty it out. - Did he just pee himself?

- [Group] Oh.

- You pissed your pants.

- Oh my, oh man. - Oh.

- [Bob] MC Pee Pants, man.

- Oh. - Oh jeez.

[door thuds]

[bell rings]

- Hey guys.

I really think you should use your heads.

[Nolan grunts] [heads thud]

[robbers groan] [bodies thudding]

- [Robber] Let's get out of here.

- [Nolan] What are you guys, nuts?

[foot thuds]

[Brutus crying]

Are you okay?

Are you all right?

- Who called the police?

Are they still here?

- Everything's, I rescued everyone here, so we're good.

- [Cop] I need to know which way they went.

- I don't, I don't remember.

- I think he went on the street.

- Can anybody describe him?

- Well. - Well, well, they tried

to rob us, but we ain't got no money.

I think they were, they were,

we got robbed by Laurel and Hardy.

[birds chirping] [gentle music]

- Hey, how's it going?

- We're here for the photo shoot.

- Oh, you mean office retreat?

- No, no, no.

We're, we're actual models.

- We're models.

- Can't you tell?

- You gotta be kidding me.

Chad, Chad.

[Chad grunts]

[door clicks]

- Oh, there for me, there for me.

There for me.

Come on. - Oh.

- Okay. - Sure.

Good to be here. - Hi Chad.

- Come on in.

I don't know how the fuck you guys got here.

I didn't ask for cadavers.

I asked for people.

Take your picture you'll be dead an hour.

I make, I wanna make America old again.

[camera snaps]

- Have you seen my mother?

She in?

Is she already at the retreat?

Okay. - I think she just went in.

- She's in.

Oh, okay, thank you, thank you.

You look great, by the way.

- [laughs] Thank you.

- Can't get over you guys.

You guys are actually alive, huh?

- Yeah, we are.

- You breath and shit?

[camera clicking]

- Yeah.

- I ask you two questions, you breathe and shit.

There's two questions, you fucking idiots.

[Chad clears throat]

[camera clicks]

Oh.

- Ah, at least number two.

- [Sky] Come on, Chad.

Take some pictures of all of us.

There we go.

- [Chad] Look at this fucking jerk.

Do I know you?

- Yeah, I work for you.

Kristoff but.

How, how come you want photograph me, huh?

- Oh! - Jesus, fuck!

Just stand there like a ghost.

My god.

Woo.

- What's the secret password?

- I'm here for the gang bang.

- Enter. - Thank you.

- Yeah. - Who was that guy?

- A fucking democrat. - I don't know.

- [Kristoff] Wait, what are you doing?

- [Chad] I don't know, I don't know what I'm doing.

- This is elder abuse.

Your dick is hanging out.

[Chad laughing]

What, what is this?

What kind of?

Don't take a picture.

- [Chad] I'm with you, I'm with you.

- Don't take a picture.

Go sit down. - I'm with you.

Okay, I'll go sit down.

- Hey. - Okay.

- [Kristoff] Who told you to do this?

Him? - Hurt them.

- No. - What are you

fucking gay old people?

- No, no. - No we're gay paid well.

- Very sexy. - Yeah.

- So you know. - Hey, sorry,

did you like this. - Yes.

- How much well?

It's my money.

[Chad laughs]

- Your money? - Yeah.

If he gave it to you, it's my money.

Because he doesn't shit.

Well, he does shit.

Shits, piss, maybe three or four times a day.

- Kill them.

- But how much did he pay you?

And you know what?

It doesn't matter.

Get the fuck outta here.

Jesus Christ, I look better than that.

- I know you do. - All right, come on.

- Okay guys, we are really excited for the retreat today.

- Mm-hmm, and we have someone really special coming.

This guy, you won't believe who I found.

He basically, he does all those kind of,

you know, spiritual things.

Dunking people in water.

- Great. - All that kind of stuff.

And you know, he's very famous as well.

- Okay, so very, very exciting stuff.

And we have a photographer here from Petty Images.

- Petty Images yes. - Right over there.

- We paid big bucks for this guy.

We got a little note on all the images.

Everyone's gonna think we're famous.

- Yes, we're doing it to raise morale of the company.

To, to show people that we are more than just plastic bags.

We are a family.

[brooding tribal music]

How did you find him again?

- Online. - Where online?

- That's just the first thing I found.

[metal clangs] [guest laughs]

- Welcome friends.

I am going to cleanse your minds

and your souls of the corruption

and soul seeking

and soul sucking life that you are currently living.

I'm going to rebirth you.

- This is your call, baby.

You're the one is jumping in sacks

with young fucking teenagers.

So I, I, I can't handle it.

And listen, six months, a year,

two years maybe when you get your head on

straight outta your ass.

- 55 years old my head should be on straight.

- Well then what would you doing with a fucking 18-year-old?

- [Leader] Like this man right here.

Look at his skin.

There's something extra special about his skin.

- He's actually glistening. - Well, you're closer.

You can see that.

- This is a complete and total shit show

that you got going on here.

- What is? - This, this retreat thing

that you have going on. - Oh.

- It's, it's a shit show.

It's like, it's like a nightmare.

- I forgot. - Wow.

I didn't know we had the shit how sheriff here.

[metal clangs] [brooding tribal music]

[metal clangs]

[metal clangs]

[metal clangs]

- Hi, I'm sorry.

Can I get some quick shots?

- I forgot about this. - Really quick.

- No, no, I don't have the time.

We're divorcing. - Hey, I'm sorry.

[metal clangs]

- That one was for me.

Check it out.

- Did you say water?

You said water before.

Can my water be mixed with vodka?

- I'm sorry. - Hey.

- Who's that? - See my Sean Penn.

- See that's the fucking problem.

That's it.

What are you? - It's not me, it's not me.

- Oh, no wait a second. - How big is your dick?

- Not big, sir.

But can I please take a couple of-

- Don't take pictures of me.

- All right, now let's all just say a prayer

for him right now to enter the, the water.

I'm very excited and thank you so much

for taking us on this journey.

- It's not, it's not a journey.

It's, it's just resembling something that was once there

stuck in time, pushed back and left inside an envelope.

- Wow.

- And now will be rebirthed.

- [Candace] Surrender.

- Oh. - Wow.

Oh my God.

Okay, yeah.

All right, yeah.

That is so good.

That is, whoa.

- I don't want to pick up after anyone any longer.

Why you a maid?

That's what your job is.

- I quit.

- Okay. - I quit.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Keep your apron.

Get the hell outta here.

I don't even understand what the fuck you're talking about.

- [Drew] He's kind of in there a long time.

[dramatic music]

- Oh, whoa. - Whoa, whoa.

- Oh my God. - Whoa.

- Oh my God, is he okay? - Whoa.

- Is he okay? - I don't think

he's breathing.

Does anyone here know CPR?

- Oh my God. - He all right?

[group chattering]

- Let me help him. - Oh my god.

- [Drew] No, don't take pictures of this.

We don't want this.

- Trying to give him CPR.

- Give him CPR. - Try to give him CPR.

Call for help.

- Come on. - CPR.

Give him CPR, hurry up.

Anyone know how to do this right?

- I don't know what to do.

I don't think he's breathing.

- Oh, okay. - Guys.

- Oh my God, oh my God. - Guys.

- Oh my God, oh my God.

- The retreat leader is dead.

- He died. - It's not good.

- What did you do?

- [Drew] He went down into the water and he died.

- He didn't come off. - He didn't come up.

- He just went under. - Is he still in the water?

- Yeah. - Pull him out of the water.

- [Kristoff] I think that's called he's drowning.

- He was- - Did you call it 911?

- He pulled him up and he was dead.

There was nothing we could do.

- He was baptizing people.

- He died in the baptism water.

- He did. - He died in

the dirty baptism water. - How could he die?

- He did that.

He did. - I don't know.

- People don't die.

- He did.

He went under and he went. - Alice, we need your help.

Alice, I've never seen a dead person before.

- He's still dead.

I'm sorry, it's not working.

- It's not working.

It's gotta work.

It always works.

Is there anything else?

- Come on, come on.

- [Ramon] Hey, hey, come back to the living, motherfucker.

- He says he doesn't really like.

He's not coming back.

- [Ramon] It's a black thing isn't it?

- 911. - Come on.

Come on, come on. - 911.

- [Operator] 911, what's your emergency?

- Somebody just drowned here in a, a spiritual.

- Please hold. - I'll hold.

[gentle music]

They play music now. - Your call

is important to us. - Huh?

- [Operator] Please continue to hold.

- Oh my God. - Oh my God.

- [Guest] He's possessed.

Oh good God, oh God.

- [Candace] Are you okay?

Are you okay? - Nevermind.

- Where's my hat?

- Oh. - He's fine.

Guys he alive.

Drew, come back.

- [Drew] Oh, thank God he's alive.

Oh, hey, how was that?

We thought you were dead.

- Oh wow, that was wow.

Wow. - This guy's a zombie

or something. - Oh my God.

Is that how you surrender?

- Oh my God. - I went to another universe

to rebirth and I came back and I'm here now.

- Wow. - Oh.

- Yes, yes.

[fingers snapping]

- Oh my god. - Oh gosh.

- [Guest] It was worth it.

I believed the whole time.

- Wow. - Have this home smell here.

- I wanna do that. - Yes.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Do it. - Oh my God, it was worth it.

I believed the whole time.

- Well, I've learned that you can hire a crazed homeless man

from the street and tell him that he's a spiritual guru

and everyone will believe it.

[fingers snapping]

- When you leave your home, you're homeless, am I wrong?

- [Group] Hmm.

- How long do you have to be gone to be homeless?

[metal clangs]

[fingers snapping]

- I just wanted to say that I learned a lot from you today

and that I realized that if we die,

we could still come back.

So that means we should always try.

- Yes. - We should always try.

And thank you for that.

- I always have a dream, which is come to a USA

and have freedom life.

[fingers snapping]

So right now I have my king to be and my son.

So I'm the luckiest woman in the world.

[fingers snapping]

- Well, the best part of the evening

was when your dad, my boss,

like stormed out and I was finally able to do a lot of drugs

and like hook up with these hot guys

and like, it was so much fun.

So thank you guys.

[fingers snapping]

- But the most important thing in today,

not in a million year,

not in a million years light and sound,

I'll be facing Jerry Garcia from the Grateful Dead.

[rock music]

- [Group] Oh.

[fingers snapping]

- I'm still alive.

- I wanna have babies. - You do?

- Yes.

- You mean you want get married and stuff?

- Or at least just have babies with you

so that I can have a grandchild

and my father will be happy.

- Oh my God.

That, that makes me so happy

'cause it means I I get the company.

- Yes. - And also I love you.

That's why. - I, I love you too.

And I really want that company.

- Yeah, the company. - Let's get the company.

- My God. - Let's get the company.

Let's get the company.

Yeah.

- Yeah, that's right.

[camera snapping]

No, trying too hard.

Relax, relax.

Take off your pants.

[camera snapping]

Just kidding.

Of course, you got it.

Yeah.

[camera snapping]

There you go.

Come on, what you trying to do?

Oh, don't just, just be there.

Keep on.

- Are you doing this again?

- Oh.

- Who are these fucking?

Jesus what a bunch of ugly people.

- I'm doing a calendar.

The ugliest office man in America.

- Who the hell's gonna buy a calendar of the ugliest men.

- And, and they're all gay.

How about that? - They're gay.

Wait a minute.

That guy's my weed pusher.

- Huh. - He's my dealer.

How could he be gay?

You're not gay.

- I was looking all for you.

- No!

Now my weed is wet.

Now my fucking weed is wet.

- Your weed is wet.

- Yeah, I know, my weed is wet.

- Know your weed is wet.

- Oh. - Get him out of there.

- Oh my god.

Oh, where'd you go, man?

I'm dying.

- Oh shit. - Oh my God.

- Where you been, man?

Come back here, dude.

What are you doing?

- [Kristoff] Yeah, go ahead, milk it.

Fall in again.

- Your boys, man.

- Yeah, and I, I, I really like you,

but I don't wanna feel like I'm the other woman.

- You're, you're not.

I promise you, you're not the, there, there is no other.

- There is no other woman.

Okay, I, I'm just, I'm still a little hesitant about us

and I have to think about.

- I, I understand.

- Oh, shit.

That's my crazy neighbor.

Can you handle this?

I just have to- - What?

- [Candace] Stay right here.

Just talk to him. - Okay.

Hey sir.

- Where's Candace?

- Oh, she- - I need to speak to her.

- She's- - I need to speak to Candace.

- Oh yeah, she, she can't talk.

She's indisposed right now.

She's, she's having, having her period so.

- Okay, would you tell her to tell Chad

to quit taking naked pictures in my front yard?

- Okay, yeah.

He's doing that.

I'm sorry about that.

Yeah, that won't happen again.

I'm sorry. - Okay.

No, just, just tell people to quit parking in front

of my house and all the noise and everything and no parties.

I'm gonna call the police.

- Looks like two little Christmas hams.

- Okay, okay, all right.

I'll, I'll, I'll let her know

and I, we'll try to take care of it

and be, be quiet from here on out.

Do you need anything?

Maybe me a little cheddar- - I'll be back, baby girl.

- [Nolan] To make things better.

- Hey Candace, I see you back there, you dumb bitch.

I called the police.

I don't care if you are on your period.

- Oh, okay, all right, well, well, namaste.

Have a great day and you know,

you can always come in and join us.

We're having, we have a, a pool out there.

Lots of beautiful women in bikinis.

- No, I seen all the freaks and weirdos

coming in and outta here, you know?

- Yeah. - You know.

- [Nolan] All right, all right, thank you sir.

What's your name?

- Sam. - Sam, nice to meet you.

I'm Nolan. - All right.

[ominous music]

- [Chad] Just, what?

- Is this good?

Yeah. - Well, no,

I'm trying to do a cross section of working,

you know, upper middle class mobile gay man in America.

- Oh. - Give me flash.

- Sheriff's Office.

- Oh, officer, how may I help you?

Here, let me open this for you, sir.

- We had a complaint. - Oh, really?

About what?

Not about you, huh? - About the noise.

About the parking.

- Is there a problem, officer?

- Yes, it was here.

Especially, don't have to come back for this but-

- Officer, what's your-

- You could just take care of it.

- You could be the cover boy in my next magazine.

How about it? - Thank you very much.

But I'll, I'll pass for now.

- Oh really? - I appreciate that.

- Oh God. - Please keep it down.

- Yeah.

[brooding music]

Oh, he was dreamy, huh?

- A cheese casserole.

Get it fuzz cheese.

Okay, where are the cuffs?

[playful music]

- Hey, babe.

- Hey. - How it's going?

- It's going pretty good.

I got, I got a lot of work to do right here.

What, what are you doing?

No, no, no.

Ah, it feels good.

But you can't do that now.

I'm with, I'm like, I'm with Candace.

Okay, so you, can't. - No you're not.

- Yes, I am. - No, you're not.

- We can't do this anymore, okay?

- I can get, I can- - Such inappropriate behavior

going on here.

- We're just hanging out.

- Violation.

- On who?

Me or her?

- Oh, both of you.

I saw hands everywhere.

Both of you.

- [scoffs] Okay, look, see, see what's happening.

- [Emily] Hey babe.

You know what I'm gonna do?

- What are you gonna do?

- Keep pretending to ignore me.

- What? - I'm gonna tell everyone

in this office. - What?

- About your smegma.

- Shh, don't tell anyone.

First of all I don't have smegma.

I'm not Jewish, okay?

- You did. - It's American dick cheese.

- You did. - That's all it is.

And I took care, but I took some pills.

It's fine.

I went to Whole Foods.

Took care.

- Yeah, I was really proud of you.

You got rid of it.

But hey, you did have it and you had it pretty bad.

And I think it's funny so I'm gonna tell people

'cause I like to tell funny stories.

- Okay, then I'm gonna tell that-

- You know what? - Plastic surgeon

night we first met.

[Emily laughs]

How you like that? - Huh.

- Yeah.

Okay, there's all already all kinds of-

- And I'll tell 'em about- - Silly rumors going on.

- I'll tell 'em about that trip to the free clinic we had,

you had, we had to take care of a little. [tongue clicks]

- That was you. - Little flushy flush.

- That was you.

That was you.

That was your, you know the issue.

It started with you.

- I'm talking about the virus

that you had in your belly called a baby

that we had to take care of.

- Fuck you, fuck you.

- Ow, okay.

[ominous music]

[dramatic music]

[ominous music]

[elf laughing]

[rock music] [Emily humming]

- Bitch. - Hmm.

- You need to stop flirting with my man.

You're disgusting.

You have mental problems.

It's pretty clear.

- And for the record, it's not my fault

that he finds me attractive.

- He doesn't find you attractive.

He finds you pathetic.

- I'm not. - What are you doing?

- You don't know what I'm doing.

- This is like a just say no commercial.

Okay, just say no.

All right, I need you out of here right now.

Right now.

- You- - I need you out.

I need you out.

- Why? - No, you're outta line.

- You fucking stop.

- You stop.

Oh, the hair.

Oh you, oh.

- Oh my God, stop it.

Candace, seriously.

- You hit me. - You hit me first.

We have cameras.

- You're a bitch. - You're a bitch.

- Huh. - You're a fucking bitch.

- All right, both of you.

You can't dress like this at work.

We have men in here that are complaining.

- They're not complaining.

If anything, they like what I'm wearing.

- I think you're more appropriate for the beach somewhere.

I'm gonna have to write you up.

- [Emily] I think she looks pretty stupid.

- Fine. - Okay.

- That's fine. - Okay.

- Write me up.

That's fine.

Fine, write me up.

Yeah, yeah.

Outta the fucking office, bitch.

- I don't care. - Get out.

- I don't care what you want.

And I don't care what you think.

You're an asshole.

You're an asshole, you're an asshole.

- There's no one else in here.

You're fucking crazy.

I don't wanna talk to your imaginary friends right now.

Just get the fuck out and leave me alone.

- Whatever, bitch.

Whatever.

- Get out.

Ow.

- Hey.

- Ah. - I'll be back.

I will be back.

Yes, you cunt.

[Candace grunting]

- [screams] Don't spit on me!

Oh god.

Oh, I think I have hepatitis now.

Oh, okay, all right.

- Oh my gosh, what are you doing in here?

- Not anything yet.

Because you interrupted me.

- Are you doing drugs?

You need set an example.

You're always fighting about telling that skanky girl

that she's always doing drugs and you're doing drugs.

Coral, you're acting crazy right now.

- Don't tell me I'm crazy. - Are you doing drugs?

- You're the one who's doing, you're druggie.

- I think you- - You shouldn't be,

you should be getting fired.

- Stop it. - Stop it.

- Stop, stop it. - Get away.

- Stop it, stop it, you stalky bitch.

[glass shattering] [Candace groans]

[body thuds]

Ow.

- Oh, oh shit.

Um. [exhales]

Fuck.

Help, help. - Oh my God, Candace.

- Oh my God. - It's happening.

- Oh my gosh. - Oh shit.

I mean- - Oh, where's Kristoff?

- I didn't see anything.

- Get help. - Oh my God.

- Yo, yo, yo, yo, chill.

Chill the fuck out.

She needs CPR.

Out, everybody out.

- Do you know how to do it?

- Kristoff. - I can do it.

- Hurry. - Come on, come on.

- Call 911. - CPR hold on.

Hold on one second, I give you CPR.

Breathe, honey, wake up, wake the fuck up.

- Hey, what are you doing?

What's going on?

Get a room. - I'm a doctor.

- Oh, shit, did she get hurt?

- I think he must've drugged her.

What did he do to her, Dad?

- That's where it was.

- What's that on her nose?

Goddammit. - Nolan.

Nolan, Nolan, oh, Nolan.

Yes.

Oh.

- That's not Nolan. - Oh.

- [Keith] She's on awake, I did my job.

- Dad, dad, look, look.

- What was your job?

- I think there's drugs on the table, Dad.

This isn't good.

- He set me up, Dad. - Oh shit.

She's doing drugs in here.

- [Candace] No, he sent me to rehab.

No. - Is it real?

- Yeah. - Oh shit.

- That's good stuff.

Where did you get this shit?

- Dad, it's not mine.

- Oh. - It's Drew's.

- I've never done it in my life.

I, I don't, I don't need that shit.

- It's Drew's. - You act like

you're on it all the time.

- I'm not. - I'm gonna change.

I don't wanna wear this outfit anymore.

- Let's go Candace, come on.

- Kind of taste like equal.

Come on, come on, come on, get your ass up, get your ass up.

- What the fuck are you doing?

You're ruining my fucking business.

- I'm sorry. - And you expect me

to leave one of you dicks with this business.

You can't do drugs and run my business.

- I wasn't doing the drugs.

Somebody did this. - Why is your face?

- Your whole face is white.

- Why is it on your fucking face?

If you ain't why do you have it on your face?

- I'm a white girl.

- Oh fuck. - I'm a white girl.

- Go, go, don't step on the glass.

Get the fuck out.

- I'm having a really big party if you wanna come.

[records scratching]

- What party?

What party are you guys having?

- Oh no, it's just an office work holiday.

You wouldn't like it.

It is not fun.

It's, it's, it's more for, you know, younger people.

It's kind of a young kind of, kind of party.

Not really, I don't think you'd really like it.

- Oh, I'm young.

- Dad. - Oh, okay.

Sorry honey.

- Buy you know you think you might wanna come.

- Yeah. - All right.

- I'll be there.

- Oh yeah, okay.

- See ya.

- Right now my bachelor party is so messy.

Whatcha doing? - What you mean?

- You, you bring all the bitches

from the office to come here.

And look at all these girls.

They dress like shit.

No, classy, no taste.

Holy shit.

[speaking in Chinese]

[upbeat music]

- Hey, you need to go to that party

and keep an eye on my daughter, okay?

I mean, you're a young guy.

- Absolutely.

I'll invoke my inner James Bond.

- Go clean the toilet.

Inner James Bond.

- You know, mess up everybody's makeup.

Oh gosh. - They look fine.

- [Vita] Oh, honey, why are you say that?

- Hey guys. - Hi.

- What are you doing here?

- [Emily] I'm here to support Vita.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Congratulations. - Oh, thank you.

- Oh, we didn't invite you.

We told you specifically not to come.

- But I'm here because I wanna be here.

- But I don't want you to be here.

- Well, I'm here.

- Well, I think you should leave.

- Well, you think I should leave.

- Yeah. - Okay.

- I didn't- - I'm not going to.

I'm not. - You have to.

You're not supposed to be here.

- I'm not.

I'm here.

- I'm telling you right now, if you stay here,

I'm gonna call the cops.

- I'm not really, I'm not really listening.

You keep saying the same thing.

So, you know, I heard it the first time.

- You fucked up everything at the office.

Okay and pissed off my dad.

- And how did I do that?

How did I do that? - Because you're a bad worker.

You're more concerned with, with men at the office

than you are about your job.

And you're not selling.

- That's wrong.

See, I have a method. - What's your method?

- I'm not gonna explain it in words.

- Oh, okay. - Like loose fitting

or something.

- All right, I, I, I've just, I've had enough of you.

And, and if you don't leave, I'm gonna get violent with you.

- I'm sorry that you feel that way.

Like, like I get it.

I have very powerful energy.

- [Candace] No, no, no.

- You know what? - Yeah.

[group yelling] [dramatic festive music]

- My God, I can't wait to get wasted.

- Oh, so what you do?

You gonna have time first.

- Yeah, like he's.

I'm supposed spy on like everybody.

- Bitcoin, mister.

You're the one that invented Bitcoin.

My main, my main cryptocurrency.

That guy man. - Wasted.

You know, it was like.

- Oh. - Should I find my fruit tea?

- Hey what's that over there. - Okay.

- Uh. - Who there?

- Um. - See look.

[group cheering and clapping]

- Somebody ask me, Keith, how you feel?

- [Group] How you feel?

- I feel good.

[group laughing]

It's party time with my bride, my wife to be.

To our wedding.

To my wedding, to my lovely white wedding.

- [Group] Take a shot, take a shot.

[group cheering and clapping]

- Well, I gotta say 48 years,

I think you've been working for me.

And that's the longest time I've heard you talk.

So you must be happy, huh?

- English is my second language.

- Oh, well, English is not my first either,

but I don't have anything else.

- Where's my wife?

That's the question. - She's over there.

- My wife, I need you.

- Are you happy to see me?

- I'm happy. - My king to be.

[group clapping and cheering]

- $6,000.

$6,000.

Can you count six suddenly?

- Are you okay?

What'd they drink?

- This guy here did something.

This guy's acting really shady.

- Watch her. - Oh.

- [Drew] This guys acting shady.

You can't let him go.

- We don't know anything.

Okay, let's not jump to conclusions based on.

- [Kristoff] He's got a gun.

- Ow. - Where's Nolan?

- I don't know where Nolan is.

- Yes you do. - No, I don't.

- You know what?

And if you don't tell me I'm gonna ruin in your life.

- You're not gonna ruin my life.

- Gonna ruin your life.

- I'm gonna ruin your life, bitch.

Fuck you the fuck up.

- Guys, you see this? - I'm gonna fuck her

the fuck up. - Does everyone see

this right now? - Yeah.

- Yeah, you're not welcome here.

- You know what?

I don't. - Hey!

Shut the fuck up.

That's a fucking- - Ah!

[group gasping]

[Emily yelling]

[Candace yelling]

- Oh. - No she didn't.

- Take that.

[Emily yells]

- [Drew] Don't come back in here again.

- I'm really sorry, Vita.

- Oh, oh, oh.

- [Candace] Oh god, somebody help her.

She's on the floor. - Is someone a doctor?

- [Candace] Is there a doctor in the house?

Is there a doctor in the house?

- Doctor. - Ah, say something.

- Call somebody.

Come on.

- Call 911.

[Vita grunting]

- There he goes again, he's making out with her.

She's making out with him.

[group yelling]

- You obsession with me and my mom.

- [Drew] I thought I saw a tongue go in.

[Vita crying]

- [Group] Oh.

- It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

It's okay. - Don't worry.

- You look so beautiful. - You'll be fine.

Maybe we can get you a work visa.

- Yes. - Yes, yes, yes.

- Get some booze for God's sake.

- Do you want some, do you want some medicine?

I have some things in my cabinet.

Some of my dad's stuff.

- You're fine.

We're gonna figure it out.

- It's all right.

- We can pay for a fake green card.

- I, I think my dad's weed dealer's here.

- Oh. - Where's my weed dealer?

- I know a guy. - We can Photoshop it.

- You could always could marry someone else.

- Yo, what's going on?

- Officer, it's my wedding.

- It's your wedding.

- I'm getting married. - What are you doing

out here in the garbage? - I'm getting married.

- You're getting married?

- Yeah, I gotta go see my-

- Oh, hold on a second.

You gonna be all right?

- Yeah, oh yeah, yeah. - Where are we going?

You gonna go inside here?

- My bride is waiting for me.

- Okay. - Yeah.

- Let me help you in here.

Good luck. - Guys.

- Good luck buddy. - He's here.

- He's here. - Woo.

[group clapping and cheering]

[man whistling]

- What a night.

My bachelor party what a night.

Big boobies everywhere.

But I didn't participate

'cause I love my mail order wife.

I love my mail order wife.

[group clapping]

- What are you gonna do now that your mom's married?

You can no longer kiss her on the lips.

No more of those tongue

and all that weird shit you're doing.

It's over. - It was not on the lips.

- Yes it was. - No it wasn't.

- I saw you, I was spying.

- It was on the cheek.

- It was not the cheek.

It was right on the lips.

- Uh-uh. - And I think I probably

even saw tongue.

You are some sort of freak.

- That girl, that girl over there staring at you.

- They're not staring at me.

They're staring at us.

Two big fat guys that they think is gay.

- Fat, I'm not fat.

- Oh, I understand.

- Freak. - Are you?

- You're a freak.

Yeah, you're a freak.

You're in love with your mother.

That's why you're acting so strange.

- I'm gay. - Yeah.

- My mom's a woman.

- It doesn't matter.

You're in love with your mother.

Your mother's your exception.

It seems as the only person that you want is your mother.

- Doesn't work that way.

- That's how it works.

- Yeah, doesn't work that way.

- Okay, okay.

[dramatic classical music]

[metal clanging]

- Thank you for finally joining us.

The family has politely asked me to not mention anything

that would be unflattering.

We can't talk about the, the, the cocaine binges.

We can't talk about bachelorette party you just came from.

What else can we talk about?

We can't talk about, oh, that,

that armed robbery in El Segundo.

- Yes, yes.

- Yeah, yeah, never convicted though, right?

Never convicted. - No, no, no, no.

- Okay, so with that being said,

let's just go straight to the, to the meat of it.

Okay, so does anybody object

to these two marrying each other on this blessed day?

Nobody.

Fine.

The rings, please.

- I fucking love weddings.

- Fantastic.

- So cool.

- Okay, by the power invested in me,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may now kiss the bride.

[hands clapping]

Yay.

[ominous music]

Congratulations.

- Hi, I got married.

[Terry grunting]

I got married.

I have a green card now.

[Vita crying]

- We going to Disneyland.

- Thank you. - Come on, mi amore.

Uber is waiting for us.

Come on.

- Kiss on the lips. - I would not kiss

on the lips. - Your mother.

- Oh, hey Mr. Kristoff. - What are you doing here?

What is this?

I don't get it. - What's what?

- [Kristoff] What the fuck are you doing here?

What the fuck are you doing here?

- Dad, you guys gotta calm down.

- This is his boyfriend. - Kristoff.

- The wedding. - He's not his boyfriend.

- Yes, he is. - Oh stop.

- [Drew] Dads, Dads, come down.

- I know what my own kids does.

- Yeah, yeah, you gotta calm down.

You can't do this here in front of everybody.

- [Drew] Can't do this in front.

- I'm not doing anything.

They're the ones doing it.

- There's no, there's no getting along.

I need to go somewhere. - There's a, there's a cop

here right now.

You have to be. - There's a cop here.

- There's a cop. - Okay.

Bring the cop and let him take the person

that's causing all the problems.

Mr. Policeman.

- Oh. - When the laws of any state

are broken. - I'm sorry.

- This person is making a scene.

Could you have him expelled please?

- Me? - Yes.

- Okay. - Did they ask you to leave?

- Yes, I'll, I'll go.

Let's go, come on.

- Did they ask you to leave? - Yes, they did, officer.

- Yes. - Let's go.

You and me.

You come on too. - No.

[upbeat piano music]

♪ There's a party ♪

♪ Party in my pants ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Everybody's coming ♪

- [Romina] Damn you, that was the punchline.

[guests laughs]

♪ Let's party in his pants ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ We're gonna go balls deep ♪

[guest laughing]

♪ Party like it's 69, 9, 9, 9 ♪

[group laughing]

- Yeah.

[guest laughs] [doorbell ringing]

♪ Caroling carolers ♪

♪ We are caroling ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Caroling carolers ♪

♪ We are carolers ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

- [Keith] We're gonna party.

- Hello. - Hi.

- Daddy, what's that?

- That's an elf.

- That does not look like an elf.

- Did someone invite you? - Yeah,

I'm here for the entertainment for the night.

- Oh, Fred, can you deal with this?

- Oh, sure. - Hi.

- Hi. - How are you?

- Would you like a tour of the house?

- Sure, I think I know where I'm going though.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

- Right.

[elf grunting] [ominous music]

[elf laughing]

[liquid splashing]

- Cheers. - Let's party.

- [Robin] See, I made my time here.

Get paid a little bit, but

- Yeah, I understand it.

Yeah, I know.

- I feel like my life is in peril at the same time.

So I don't know if the money's quite worth it.

- [Stripper] It doesn't wanna go.

It says no, no, no.

Ready?

- Oh yeah.

- Can you see me? - No.

- No. - No.

- Good.

Now ready to do this.

- One of my girlfriend- - Trying to get me alone?

- [Drew] Yes, that's what I want.

- Ask. - Yes.

[door bangs] [man whistling]

[water splashing]

- I've actually never seen a naked man.

- What about your boyfriend?

You didn't sleep with him?

- No.

[woman moaning]

- Hey baby, you look wet and ready. [laughs]

- Hold on a second.

Who is this?

- [moaning] Take it out.

- [Greg] Okay, well, I don't have a condom.

[elf laughing]

- Don't go anywhere.

I'll be right back.

- I won't. - Don't go nowhere.

- I can't wait.

- I'm gonna get me some.

Finally get the wrinkles out of this old motherfucker.

- It's finally happening. [exhales]

[guest choking]

[insects chirping]

- Ah, ah, ah, ah.

- Now don't go anywhere.

I'll be right back.

[stripper and elf grunting]

[hook thuds]

- Don't worry, you're next on my wishlist.

[elf laughing]

[elf grunting]

[guest choking]

[woman moaning]

Someone's dreaming for a white Christmas.

[hook whooshing]

[elf laughing]

- [groaning] My God, oh my God.

- Whoops, looks like santa came early.

[guests groaning]

[guest groaning] [skin stretching]

[guest groans] [blood splattering]

- [Guest] Oh man.

- 911 yes.

Um people are dying.

[woman coughing]

I, I, I kind of look out of place

so I don't wanna be blamed amongst others.

[elf grunting]

[knife thudding] [woman screaming]

[elf grunting]

[elf growling]

So you should, you should send it out.

Yep.

I won't be here when you get here, but I'm innocent.

All right?

[guest screaming] [flesh tearing]

[elf growling]

- [Boyfriend] Man, have you seen Becca?

- One down, one drowning to go.

- What the fuck happened here?

[elf panting] [water splashing]

- I'm going to kill you for that shirt alone.

[elf growling]

[water splashing]

- Man, I fucking hate Christmas.

[suspenseful music] [water splashing]

- [Elf] [laughs] I love Tinseltown.

[Becca gasps]

[water splashing]

- You know, I can hold my breath for 10 minutes.

[elf grunts]

- Let's make sure you sparkle for your funeral.

[water splashing]

- I'm kidding, man.

[water splashing] [elf grunting]

[water splashing]

Oh, can you do that harder?

[water splashing]

[elf panting]

[mixer whirring]

- [Fred] Ooh, that sounds interesting.

Is that one of them new toys?

[Rose coughing]

[Rose groaning]

[mixer whirring]

[Fred screaming]

- Wish you a merry deathmas.

[Fred screaming]

I wish you a merry deathmas.

I wish you a merry deathmas.

I wish you a merry deathmas.

[water splashing]

- I hate New Year's too.

[water splashing]

- Damn, that was hard.

[elf grunting]

[brooding music]

- These people should have got their lives together sooner.

I, I don't understand why they want

to do shit like this to themselves.

Life is too, ah.

Get paid.

That's good.

All right, well, that was worth the trip.

Out this bitch up.

Let me get my tools.

So don't leave any fingerprints.

[water splashing] [insects chirping]

[brooding music]

- Where's Sky?

Where's my son?

You promised me to come here, wait for me.

Where's kiss without the blow.

What am I going to do,

what I'm going to do in the rest of my life?

Oh gosh.

Oh.

My dear friend.

You're so handsome.

Have you seen my son and my husband?

- Not since the ceremony.

- Oh, you know what?

My husband is small, but my son is big.

- Yes, I've met them.

They've been around the office for quite a while.

- Oh, what's going on?

You know, something's not right and everything's not right.

Oh, what I'm going to do.

- If I may, your relationship with men seems very toxic.

I don't think I want to be in this conversation right now.

- What?

- Is it sexy?

Look at me.

Don't look at that.

- But there's a knife in the mask.

What?

- I like toys.

- You're into kinky shit, aren't you?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh my God.

That's fucking hot. - Yeah.

- All right take pants off. - Yes.

- Wait a second.

Who's that?

Wait, wait, that's the girl from the, wait.

Hold on, stop it. - What?

- Are you the person who's been killing

everyone in the office?

- I said, I like to play around.

Come on.

- Holy, you're the one who's been murdering everyone.

Goddamn.

Oh my God, oh my God.

Okay.

Okay.

All right, I guess, fuck, let's do that.

All right, fine.

I'll show you gay.

- Yes.

[insects chirping] [Vita sighs]

- I cannot believe,

I cannot believe you leave me at car.

Son of the bitch.

- [Elf] Ah, this elf is about to make a little sasami.

[elf laughs]

- Oh, you're are so handsome.

[gentle music]

Who are you?

Oh, how are you today?

- What is she saying?

Is everybody in this house crazy?

[knife thuds] [Vita groans]

[body thuds] [suspenseful music]

Oh, come on.

Get over here.

You die.

Goddamn, this is harder than I thought.

I should have thought this through.

- Please, please, please.

Take the knife out.

- What do you mean you don't wanna be monogamous?

- I mean, just- - What do you mean

you don't wanna be monogamous?

- I'm trying to go over- - I'm not

into poly relationships.

That's not okay, that's not okay.

You only have to be with me.

No other women promise me.

Promise me or you get sacrificed.

- [Nolan] Okay, that sounds kind of F-uped.

- Yeah. - What does that mean?

- Yeah, that means you can't be poly anymore.

- Okay. - Okay.

[heavy breathing]

I've got a surprise for you.

- Yeah, what is it?

- I like surprises. - Turn around.

- Turn around. - Turn around.

[Nolan gasps]

[playful music]

- You wanna do a threesome?

- I mean. - Get down.

- Yeah, yeah.

I've had this on my vision board for years.

That's hot.

[insects chirping]

- Why are you guys on the ground?

Guys, real funny joke.

Why are you on the?

- [Candace] Oh, you're beautiful.

- You are beautiful.

- I wanna cut his dick off

and wipe his blood all over a body.

- I wanna cut his dick off. - I wanna cut his dick off.

- I, I think I should.

- I think I should cut his dick.

I never seen his dick.

- No, I think I should probably,

I, I think, I think I should.

- [Candace] I've always wanted to cut a dick.

- Well, I've done it a couple times and it's really fun.

So I think I should do it.

- Is this our first fight?

- Um, baby, I'm so sorry.

- I'm so sorry.

I love you so much. - I love you.

- Fine.

- Guys on the ground.

They're dead.

Candace, Candace, everyone's dead!

Everyone's dead!

Everybody's fucking dead.

They're gonna kill everybody, Candace.

- [Nolan] We're all gonna be sexually-

- Ah shut up.

- That's what's gonna happen, asshole.

- [Drew] Candace, Candace.

[Emily moans]

- [Candace] I wanna cut his dick off.

- All around. - I wanna cut his dick off.

- [Candace] Where's that knife?

I wanna cut. - What the fuck is going?

Nolan, for fuck sake, who are you not fucking, Nolan?

My sister, Emily, you're back with.

Wait, wait.

You are the one that fucking,

you killed my fucking girlfriend, fucking bitch!

- No. - Oh my God.

He's getting hard.

- He's getting hard.

- Look, look, look.

- My face is in his cock.

He's getting a hard on.

It's it's getting hard, it's pushing against my fucking leg.

[lips smacking]

- Oh babe.

[Nolan choking]

- Stay away, asshole.

- Oh yeah. - Oh baby.

[Drew grunts]

- You killed him.

- I'm a hero.

I killed the killer.

- We didn't get a dick yet.

- Ah. - Cut it off then.

- Where's the knife?

- You know what?

Candace, I'm gonna get the company now.

Dad, Dad, Kristoff, Kristoff.

I just saved the day.

Dad, Dad, Kristoff.

- He's not gonna get the company.

- I should probably go after him.

- It's four or five of 'em.

I don't know how many people they killed.

- [Alice] Kristoff, you promised me.

- And they can't stay here at night.

It's gotta get cleaned up.

- [Alice] You promised me.

- How much more?

- [Alice] That you would do something about this situation.

- All right, okay, okay.

Get your skinny ass over here.

- [Alice] You promised.

Kristoff, you promised.

- Dad, Dad, you're not gonna believe this.

I killed the killer.

I killed the killer.

Nolan, he killed everyone in this whole fucking house.

Nolan's a killer, Dad.

- No, he is not, you dick.

Your sister's a killer

and that cuckoo friend of hers.

They can both go fucking to jail.

Oh God. - So Candace, they're saying-

- What?

- It was all him.

He did it. - Who's him?

- Him my brother.

And I just, I couldn't deal with it.

- [Drew] I don't understand the whole thing with,

how did I not know about this?

- You can't give him all the credit.

- All right, we better get out here before the cops come.

- Yes, yeah, they are coming.

- Dad, come on.

- You better hope Alice gets here first.

- Yeah, I hope Alice gets here.

- Lets go, baby. - Yeah.

[ominous music]

[graphic whooshing] [suspenseful music]

[electricity crackling]

- I'm just a resident.

- Please remove it.

I'm not feel comfortable.

- Doctor, can you move it?

Doctor.

- [Elf] [grunts] And that's what I call a wrap.

- Hey man, have you seen Becca?

My boss totally told me to watch her.

[ominous music]

What happened?

[rock music]

♪ Wound up tight ♪

♪ I got a fever in my brain ♪

- Let's go, it's coming out of my vagina.

- Oh, honey. - Oh, they're so.

- [Customer] Beautiful.

They're beautiful.

- And if you ask me, Christmas equals death.

- Usually when I make the last sandwich, I lick the knife.

But then everyone in surgery goes ape shit.

- Ho ho, ho, this, car is coming.

Of course.

Ho ho, ho, this was supposed

to be a very nice Christmas broadcast,

but then those office deaths had to ruin everything.

Think that car's coming back.

Ho ho ho, this was supposed

to be a very nice Christmas broadcast,

but then those office deaths had to ruin everything.

[both grunting]

♪ Ravenous, been shaking all day ♪

[both grunting]

- And in, and out.

[both grunting]

- We apparently have our own serial killer.

Nothing ever happens in this town.

- I, I cannot, for the life of me spend the rest

of my days living in a place like that

or working in a place like that.

I just, I have to get outta here.

I'm done.

- You know, I worked at that office and they fired me

'cause they didn't want to pay me my full rates.

- I'd rather have the thrills and chills

of what could be my last day on earth

at a bag factory,

then working one more day in this hellhole.

- If you're hiring, I'm looking for a job.

- This entire thing is like something out

of a bad movie of the week.

- Now this one involves a plastic bag factory

and a whole lot of murders.

- My dream was to be a secretary.

That is for that dream.

I'm a stay at home daughter now.

- I'm gonna stay home in my bedroom, eat Doritos,

and drink lots of Mountain Dew

with my teddy bear of course.

Hmm, Teddy.

- Hi, my name is Timothy.

- And my personal take.

The company needs to close

and all the survivors should sue.

- I wonder who gets

to keep all the office supplies of those who die.

- I highly doubt anyone's gonna miss them.

I mean, the bags are kind of cool, but.

- Only story tonight is the office killing.

Bodies just keep showing up.

- After all of this, I'm switching to paper bags.

- Which makes one wonder what could be next?

Desert fiends.

- I was working at a plastic bag factory

and murdering my associates,

I'd be using the plastic bags.

- I'm really hoping that something crazy like

that happens at my job.

- I just hope nothing like that ever happens around here.

I really love being a newscaster.

- I'm done with this job.

I can't keep reporting on things like this.

- I wonder who gets

to keep all the office supplies from those who die.

- I'm never gonna look for a job.

I'm happy at home, safe and alive.

- I love making vlogs on true crime.

I just never thought I'd be making it

on an everyday normal plastic bag company.

- All those senseless deaths.

- If you want to change the channel, I don't blame you.

There's more updates about the office murders.

- Oh, oh, what did I just open.

- Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma.

- Better not be that Nigerian bastard again.

- Am I the only one that thinks

that this is total bad plot movie of the week type shit.

- This reporter has covered some grim holiday stories,

but this is one of the worst I can say I've ever seen.

♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

♪ On a one horse open sleigh ♪

♪ O'er the fields we go, laughing ♪

- What do you, what you doing with it?

- Get myself some distance so I can give it a good throw.

- That makes sense, I guess.

♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In one horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one horse open sleigh ♪

- Chad.

Chad, bring a vacuum cleaner

and some spot remover.

Chad.

♪ Pure, pure as the dirty snow ♪

- I'm in small animal prophylactics.

- [Kristoff] Really?

How's that working out?

- Really good.

Uh, the rat condoms.

Um, they're kind of hard to get on,

but they work and-

- [Kristoff] If you get 'em on.

- Yeah, if you get 'em on.

[door bangs]

- What do he have here?

- Is he gone? - Mm-hmm.

The old ball and chain is gone.

- [Employee] Go get some pens, you naughty girl.

- Oh yes, I will.

I'm so naughty, I think you're gonna have spank me

when I get back.

- Boss, boss, watch this.

- What? - Watch.

No, no, keep going, keep going.

I wanna show you something.

Yeah, I wanna show you how I talk to my wife.

- Are you happy to see me my king of be.

- Face to face, I talk to my wife.

Hello, hubby. - I'm very happy.

[Chad chuckles]

- [Model] You want me to take my shirt off?

- Yeah, why not?

Go.

Oh, you're shitting me.

You're so white like you blind me.

- [Model] You know you like it?

- You could blind somebody, you know that.

- [Model] [laughs] In a good way, right?

- Okay, come on next.